How to TRANSFORM Your RELATIONSHIPS | Dean Graziosi's Best ADVICE on Getting LOVE

Listen, the past already happened, and I'm sorry if it was bad, but you can use it as your anchor or your. Or your rocket fuel, the wind behind your sail. You get to decide. You get to decide. So one of the questions that came in was from Jennifer, and we got a bunch of them, but I figured I'd ask this first. So how do I find more balance to sync my passion career with my family and my spouse? They believe in me and my dreams, but I have a hard time finding a balance because I want to spend more time with them. But also I want to go, I want to reach my full potential. So what would you say to someone about the balance?

So, okay, especially if, you know, you have a dream that you. It sounds like you have a dream that you're working on and you know, you're. It needs a lot of your attention, a lot of your focus, but also you want to be a good mom or a good spouse. I could relate to that. Because even though Dean has this massive success and I look up to him so much, I still want to do my thing too, and continue my dreams and work on my thing. But with having a baby and two bonus kids and a husband, I also want to be. I'm super Mexican, so I want to be like that wife at home that takes care of my family, my house, and all that. At the same time, you want to build your career. It could be discouraging when, for instance, Dean being in this part of his life, massive success. He's probably thinking, sometimes I think myself, he's probably thinking, why would you want to focus on your career? You're fine. I work hard to take care of you and the family. But I'm like, but you don't understand. And sometimes I can see, okay, do I go to work and work on my little dream that's just starting to take off, or do I stay home and build a stream, stronger foundation with my husband and build more memories at home? So one of them always has to kind of not.

Compromise. You don't want to.

Yeah, compromise, right. But I feel like you definitely could have balance with both as long as you have communication. Because we're always talking, we're always, you know, talking about. I'm always sharing him, what my goals are, what my dreams are. And I also want to. I always tell him I want to be good at home with the kids, the house and all that. And so I think if you just continue a conversation and communication with each other, because what happens is I've seen people in this situation and they go so far deep into their goal, into their dream that they forget about everything else. And they say to themselves, it's fine when I'm successful, I. I'm gonna go back and spend more time with my kids, spend more time with my spouse. But then by that point, your spouse is checked out or your kids, our teenagers. Yeah.

So here I'll reiterate and I'm gonna share it through your lens of some things that you might not see. And something, you know, I talk about this a lot is if you're gonna. First off is finding out and really identifying what's massively important to you. These guys know I kind of talk about you sometimes, you know, in a decent light. But my relationship with Lisa and my children is first and foremost. It's my number one priority. Right. But really close second. I'm just being honest is my business and my family and my team and the impact I make on others, it's not a million miles away. It's like wife and kids a millimeter below is my business. Right. But because those two things are so important to me, I've. And she. Lisa can attest to this. I say no to everything, guys. Everything else gets a no invited to fancy parties. I mean, I get invited. I feel blessed that. It's weird, right? When you don't have anything, nobody invites you anywhere. And then when you can go on your own, everybody invites you. Right. It's like the banks don't lend you money when you need it and then when you don't need the money, they want to give it to you. Like it doesn't make sense. But. But we get invites and we'll send a private plane to pick you up and fly you to the Oscars and private party. It's like, no, that doesn't make me a better husband. It doesn't make me a better dad. It doesn't serve like I'm using as an extreme example, but legit. I say no to everything except for the things that are important. Like today at 3 o', clock, I'll pick my kids up from school. At 3:30, where will I be? At 3:30, I'll be outside practicing. Practicing and catching for my daughter when she does pitching practice. At 3:30 today, right? At 7:00 clock to 9:00', clock, I'll be driving my son to his baseball practice where I'll watch him and help out.

How do you think to you you've taught me to.

No, that's what I was gonna. That's what I was gonna loop around everything. So I was gonna loop around with.

You, and then we'd get home and be mad that I said yes and take it out of my family or take it out. But I wanted to please my clients and please everybody else. But at home, I know I was being grouchy or grumpy and. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was gonna say I wasn't making it about me. I was circling back around to you. That I'm not even sure I'm glad you recognize that is because. And I'm not saying I want her to say no to things that she loves or enjoys, but I've watched this woman prioritize. And my. My children, who are now her bonus children, are a priority of hers. And our son, Luca is a priority. And our relationship is a priority. And so is her business. She was voted the top hairstylist in Arizona eight out of 10 years. And she's got her own business. She does amazing. She doesn't want to give up on that. And that's her dream. And I want to. I want to support that. Right. But I watched as we've grown that things that she used to feel were really important to her, they don't fit in that bucket anymore of what's important. That's true. Does that make sense?

Especially after being a mom, too.

And then some of the things you're like, wow, I can't believe I used to like to do that, or I like doing that, but it's not a top priority anymore. It's not a 10 out of 10. So what I would suggest to you, Jennifer, and to anybody here is, you've heard me say this. You're part of my family. You know, I say, make a list of things you shouldn't be doing, but make a list of things you shouldn't be doing, because there is the time. It's not a time management issue. I want you all to hear this. It's not a time management issue. It's a clarity issue on who you want to be. Jennifer, I see you shaking your head. Jennifer Hall. It's a clarity issue. You didn't even realize you're shaking your head big time, up and down. It's a clarity issue. Like, really identify what is important to you. And I know that whether you have a list or not, babe, I've watched you. And now that our baby is 10 months old, little Luka. If my team has a picture later, I'll have them pull it up. I'm sure they got it. But now that Luka's 10 months old and Lisa's got her groove. This is our first baby that's hers. Even though every time I say my kid, she gets mad at me. She's like, they're mine too, so stop it. Right? It's one which was one of my dreams, is to meet someone who loved my kids as much as I did. But I'm watching her find this balance now, and I see how she's back doing hair and back expanding her business. And your balance is actually going really well. But I also. One thing I want to share with you guys, you get to see us on social media, if you follow us at all, or you get to see the happiness and things are perfect here. I also watch this woman stress out and worry about it to try to figure out that balance. Because I know some days she's like, today, I just want to be your wife and jump on a plane with you and go to that event and bring Luka with us and just support you and love you. And honestly, thank God. I mean, I love being married to a woman with old Mexican values. This woman takes care of me like nobody's business. Like. Like old school. Like my grandmother used to take care of me. So I'm just. I'm throwing my hand up and saying I am spoiled rotten. I. I think at like 11 o', clock, I start thinking I'll be working and don't realize I've been working since 5am And I'm like, I think I'm hungry. And like 30 seconds later, a plate, a plate, a plate of amazing food lands in front of me with a tea and a coffee. And I'm like, right? I say that because I'm the best.

I can do for everything that you do for us.

But what I'm saying is, I just want you to know I watch her struggle with that because some days she's like, I just want to jump on a plane and be your wife and be a mom. But I know, like so many of you, she's called to serve on another level. Who's called for more? Seriously, Put it in the chat or raise your hand. You're freaking called for more. So when you're called for more, Stephen, I see you raising your hand with your. With your daughter there. Good to see you guys. But we're all called for more. So what we have to do if we're called for more is we have to find that balance. We can't just. Because, listen, okay, I just said, who's called for more? You guys are all saying it. Who also knows if you were 95 years old today and look back and didn't go after being called for more that you know you'd regret a lot, right? That you'd look back and say, what the hell did I do? Why did I waste that time? I don't care if you're 75 right now. I don't care if you're 85. There's. There's time. My dad's 85 right now and he's reinventing his life. You can't believe watching this guy reinvent himself at 85 years old. We're called for more. So if you're called for more, if you're a part of the inner circle, if you're part of kbb, if you're part of our family and you're here, that means you can't put it on the sidelines. You can't park it for another day. You have to start making decisions now and start saying no to those things that don't serve you. And listen, some of those things you need to say no to are deep rooted habits, right? Hanging out with certain people, doing certain things. Like, I have to tell you, as we grow, Lisa was a social butterfly in a business way. Like, her business thrived. And she was the number one hairstylist doing amazing. I have to be honest, when I first met her and she was driving fancy cars and had fancy purses and shoes, you want to hear a typical, like, horrible man? I'm thinking to myself, I wonder who she's dating. Isn't that crazy how our brains think, like, ridiculously terrible, like, this is family? So I'm admitting that. I wouldn't admit that to anybody else in the world. But I was thinking, I know she's a hairstylist. So even if she does great, I had no idea someone could make the money she made as a hairstylist. Like, it blew my mind. It was just an industry I didn't imagine. If she was in a different industry, maybe I wouldn't have thought that, but I thought hairstylist. If she's crushing it, she's making this, she's making five times more than I imagined, right? So the reason I'm sharing that.

Sorry to cut you off, but now you understand, you know, for instance, income. You just said, if she was in a different industry, I would be able to, you know, justify why she has this or that. But she's a hairstylist, right? Now that you have kbb, you're like, oh, my gosh. Like all these people with other professions that are doing these courses are making so much money. Right.

I know.

I don't know if I could say that.

Yeah, yeah.

Online. But, you know, they are, and they're so successful. But, you know, that's the thing is, like, so many people think if I'm not a doctor, if I didn't go to college, I can't make this money. And, you know.

Yeah. So my whole point. I digress too much. I want to get back to my focus, my add. I'm like, squirrel. Yeah, me too. Right. But my whole point was this is she was a social butterfly because that's how she fueled her business. She'd go to a lot of charity events and donate money from her heart, but then she'd meet other wealthy women that were there, and they'd be like, oh, my God, you're so beautiful, your hair. And she'd say, well, you need to come get some extensions at my place. Right.

And she said I was authentic.

Of course. No, listen, my wife does well because she loves making women look beautiful. This woman loves empowering women, Just so you know. Like, her whole thing is she'll text me and go, oh. She won't say, oh, oh, my God, I got $700 for a hair extension job. She'll text me and go, oh, my God, this woman came in today. Her and her husband are kind of distant right now. I gave her some inspiring words, and I made this woman look hot. She left on fire. That man ain't looking any other place but her, like. So that's why she's successful, because she cares at the deepest level. So my whole point was there were certain things that she got accustomed to, the networking part. But then the byproduct was out with her girlfriends all the time. She wasn't in a relationship like this, and she didn't have kids. So all those things. And when we first met, she's like, I don't know how that can change. I have all these friends, and I have to go to dinner with this one. I have to do this, and then Tuesday I have to do that. And I just remember saying to her sometimes, and I did not want. I don't want to change this woman. I want her to be the version of her she wants to be. That's one of the secrets of a relationship. But I remember her saying, I have to go to this thing. She didn't say, I want to go. She said, I have to go. And when she said, I have to, all I said was, why do you have to?

That's true.

I said, do you remember Me saying, why do you have to do anything? Shouldn't you do the things you want to do that are important to you? And I remember you going, oh, my God, Dean. No, I don't want to go. And she started shifting some of those things. And when that happened, that time opened up, and that was in time. That was time for our relationships, times for her business, time for things like that. So when we say no to things, you might be thinking, nah, there's really nothing I can say no to. I would question you on that. I would question you on that, and I'd really dial in what's important to you. Make sense?

Yep. Definitely.

Okay, guys, if you got questions back there, feel free to bring more. And who would like to ask a question? Raise your hand if you'd like to answer question, or put it in the chat that you'd like to. Great. We got a whole bunch of people raising their hands, so we'll get to that. Jane asked, and this is unlike the intimate relationship Jane asked, how do you nurture your relationship to continue growing after the honeymoon phase?

I would say my biggest thing. And, you know, you get so much amazing advice from people that have been married forever. And I would always ask my clients that are a lot older than me that have a happy marriage, like, what's your secret? Like, how are you? How are you still together? And, you know, I always took in what I loved and I stored in my brain and the other stuff that I knew that didn't really serve me well. I just kind of, like, forgot about it. And I remember my older clients always saying, I always put my husband first, which, to me, was a little hard in the beginning because I'm so. Like, now that I'm a mom, I'm, like, so into Luca and everything he's doing. And then sometimes I'm like, oh, he's fine. He's an adult. He'll take care of himself. But then I have to think, okay, no, I need to put him first, because that's our foundation of our household. And it does help, because if he's happy, I'm happy. If he's stressed out, I feel angst. If he's worried or someone said something to hurt his feelings, it hurts me to the deepest core. And that's how I've always been, even with my family, my mom and dad, my siblings, like, they're my best friends. So of course it translates to you, because now that you're my other half, I feel the same way. But I think that to answer that, I would say Checking in. It's just simple as that. You check in like, hey, babe, let's do a little quick check in. How are you feeling? Or I know you've been really stressed out and busy. Do you want me to be more present? Is there something I can do to make your next week easier? What else can I do for the kids? He always wants to do everything for the kids, and I have to tell him, wait, wait, I'm here too. I could help out. So, you know, it's. And he. Same with. Same with Dean. He'll tell me, Lisa, you know, I feel like this needs to be different or less Ben, since I can't see you all tomorrow because I'm going to be on Zoom and this, that. Let's just do a workout together so I could see you and. Okay. And I think that just keeps our relationship really strong and kind of fresh.

Yeah, I love that. And dates. Here's something I'll share is. And I think I can share through experience, right? Because I've had relationships in the past that I know I made mistakes and they went sideways and I learned from them. Thank God I learned from them, right? Because it's really easy to repeat the same mistake and just look for someone else on the other side to fix it. And then you wonder, why the next one? Because you carried the shit from the last. Excuse my language. You carried the things that didn't work from the previous relationship. You just carried them into the next one, hoping someone else could adapt better, Right? So I know when my last relationship ended, I knew especially Tony Robbins, being my best friend, gets right in my face and says, how do you become the man that attracts the woman you want? Right? I knew I wanted a Lisa in my life, but was I the man to attract and keep and have a passionate relationship with someone like Lisa? I don't think I was five years ago, seven years ago. I think I was a good man, a good provider, big heart, donated to charity, Love Kids. But I was missing a couple things. And I worked on me. And that's the hardest part in a relationship. The hardest part in a relationship, whether it's your business relationship, your partner, your spouse, the person you're going to work with, the hardest thing is selflessness and compassion. That's what I. This is my opinion. But because here's what happens in a relationship. There's this time, right? Tell me if I'm true, if you agree with me at a certain point, tell me. There are certain times in a relationship you go from. You remember the beginning of A relationship. Who can remember the beginning of a real relationship? The first 30, 90 days, and that feeling that nothing could go wrong. They're amazing. And that if they have a seed in their tooth, it's. And you pull it out, right? And if they, if they choose, if they eat their cereal and slurp the milk, you're like, oh, it's so cute. And then there's this time where it's like, oh, my God, if she has a seed in her tooth one more time, if she slurps that damn milk, I'm gonna kick the chair out from underneath her. Right? Like, where is that transition? And think about in the beginning of a relationship, do you. In the beginning relationship, is there anything you wouldn't do for that other person? Think about that, right? Oh, my car just broke down. Don't worry, I know you're 77 miles away and I'm in the middle of a meeting. I'm coming to get you, right? And then there's this transition, right, Terry, I see you shaking your head. There's this transition. Sometimes that happens and you say, you know, last time my car broke down, I asked him and he didn't come, or she didn't come. I'm not going to be there the next time he needs me. If you start stepping up, I'll step it up. And we transition from the honeymoon is, what can I do to serve you? How can I fill your heart? How can I make you feel beautiful, look beautiful, make you feel alive? Then all of a sudden there's this time where. How can we make each other? And then there's this time it's like, hey, how come you're not making me feel beautiful? How come you're not doing things for me? How come I was hungry at 12 o', clock? You didn't bring the lunch? What the hell? And all of a sudden there's this time when. When you start judging subconsciously and you're waiting for them to step up, fix, expand, be more intimate. How come he hasn't asked me? How come he hasn't tried to have intimate relationship with me? Or why hasn't she tried? Or he tried. And all of a sudden, and I just watch this because this is my job, this is what I do for a living, is to model people and ask questions. I watch this transition of what have you done for me lately? And all of a sudden we go from a giving, compassionate soul and we go to keeping a scorecard. And if you're keeping a scorecard in your relationship, it's doomed because you're never going to be balanced, and someone's going to go through a hard time and someone's going to forget to do the right things. But here's what I know. What if. What if you were just brave enough to not keep score anymore? This isn't my saying. This is. Tony Robbins has been saying this since I met him 20 years ago. Is if you treated the end of a relationship like the beginning of a relationship, would there really be an end? Think about it. Would there really be an end? So good, right?

That's my favorite.

Yeah. Would there really be an end? So I know this is hard, especially if you're in a relationship where you felt like you've been taken advantage of or someone's ignoring you, or work is more important, or their sports on a Sunday, or they get more excited about golf on a Sunday than they are of going on a date with you and having an intimate day. I'm sorry if anybody's going through any of that. I really am. But here's what I know. You can't force them back on the track. You can't do it by saying, here's the scorecard. How many times have you showed the other person the scorecard, said, look, here's a scorecard. I'm winning. You need to step up. How often does that work? Ever? Never. You might guilt him into it for five minutes, Right? Or they might. Or the masculine man, if it's him, he might just cave and go, okay, honey, whatever you think. But he's just losing his masculinity. And because he whimpered, you're not going to be sexually attracted to him because he's, like, gave in to you rather than, like, standing up and doing it or vice versa. Right. So I know this could be a much deeper conversation, but that was a great question. And. And my suggestion to you. And can I tell you something? I didn't really. I never talked about relationships in my 40s because I didn't feel like I was qualified. I wasn't in a good relationship that I knew was ending. And I'm not an advocate of divorce in any way, but I knew mine wasn't meant to be, and it was ending. So when people ask me about it, I defer to something else. I defer to business. I defer to something else. I would never give advice. Why give advice on something that I wasn't all dialed in in my life? But I can say right now that how do we keep this alive? Is a lot of things, but one of them is I want to do more for her than she does for me. And I don't care.

I want to do more for you than you do for me.

And it's addicting because when I feel hungry at 11 o' clock and food shows up and I didn't even say anything, or I see her sitting down, making birthday cards for the kids, moms, for the kid's mom, right? And just doing that, I walk in, I'm like, look at this woman. Holy shit. What can I do for a babe? Let's go on a date, babe. You look beautiful. Like, I want to do more, right? I want to do more. And then the more I do, the more it comes back. And here's the thing. I know you might say, well, you found each other, and it's perfect. That could be serendipitous. It could be that we saw each other and it was that perfect match, like a movie. I mean, we truly do. This is not fake. There's no bullshit that goes on behind the scenes. We don't fight, fight. We're never getting a divorce. Like, I'm not saying that to be. I'm not saying that to be like, we truly find ways to fall more in love every single day. She's my best friend. I don't compromise. I have no wandering eye. I opened up all my freaking accounts, my dm, my text message, everything I please. Look anytime you want. Like, this is my forever, right? I don't know if it was pure luck or did I know what screwed up where I screwed up in the past and she screwed up in the past, and did I stop keeping score and was I brave enough to go, I. I'm going all in? Like, can your heart get hurt when you go all in? Hell, yes. Right? Of course it can. But do you really explore the depths of your heart unless you really go deep enough to understand it? And so my thing would say, my. My last quote here would be to go back to Tony Robbins and say, if you're in a relationship where you've had one foot out the door, you don't have to admit it right now, but I had one foot out the door for almost a decade, and it's the worst feeling in the world. And I'm not, again, an advocate of divorce, but that was my best path. If you're someone that maybe has one foot out the door, you're unsure. What if you were brave enough to be the one, even if the other person doesn't contribute and you just decided to spend the next 90 days like it was the first 90 days. I don't know what you did in the first 90 days of your relationship that you're in. It could have been 30 years ago, 40 years ago. Think back. What did you do? What did you say? How did you look? How did you contribute? How did you care? What did you like? And see if it sparks that. Because here's what I know. You could try to force someone to get back on the way you want them, or you could just be the mirror of who you hope they'll become.

And like Dean was saying, if you put all your eggs in one basket and you're trying to make this work and re establish that spark and it's just not working out, or there's something so deep that you just know you can't continue, that's okay, because it's a fresh start. Like for me in my past, I know that same thing. I had my foot out the door and I knew that I was searching for something else. I wasn't fulfilled. And. But it's great because when you branch out and you're on your own and you're looking for that amazing person or just not looking, but just, you know, you're out and ready to mingle and date, you know, you can be whoever you choose to be. So let's say there's something that, you know, that, you know what I could have done better in my last relationship with this or that, or next time I will not put up with that. I will see the red flag. And it's great because when you start over, you have a chance to rebrand yourself, so to speak, and be the person who you want to attract, because you will attract who you are.

That's just. Yeah, and I love that. And the other thing I would say is if you're not in a relationship right now, is today, literally today. And it's very small percentage of you, but let me put this elegantly. Let that shit go. There's too many people that are holding on to the ugly that someone else caused in their life. This person that was unfaithful to you, the person that took advantage of you, the person that did you wrong. And I'm sorry, I truly am, but that was yesterday. And if you're holding onto it, then that's all you will continue to get to in the future. I've watched so many people live and look through that lens and maybe never trust men again, or never trust relationships are going to never opening your heart again. And that's just tough. And I, and I say to you what If God, the universe, whatever you believe in, decided that was the path you needed to be on so you could be the next level version of yourself. Listen, the past already happened and I'm sorry if it was bad. But you can use it as your anchor or your, or your rocket fuel, the wind behind your sail. You get to decide. You get to decide, right? Listen, I'm in personal growth, I'm a multiple New York Times best selling author. And in success, I'm not bragging. My best friend is Tony Robbins who's like the best in the world. I have all this great stuff and I went through a divorce. Like I could say, holy shit, you're a failure, you messed up. Or she messed up, or how dare she do the things that she did. I could do all that. Or I could say that's the journey I was on. I can't turn it back. But what can I learn? How can I grow? How can I be a better man? And I have to tell you, especially for my kids sake, we decided to take compassion over everything else and, and my kids don't suffer because of it. My kids go back and forth between two houses with no worry, no fear. There's nothing they can't say that wasn't my childhood. If I brought up my mom and her new husband and my dad, the plates in the kitchen would be busted. The, the bat would come out. Like crazy stuff in my life. My dad's an amazing man now, but as a child I had to lie to my dad about what was going on with my mom and I had to lie to my mom about what was going on with my dad. That's all the journey I was supposed to be on. But all I know is I could have kept those feelings and repeated it with my family. Or I could say, I'm going to let that burn with the past. I'm going to let that shit go. I going to learn from it. I'm going to be a better man, a better father. What's up? What's up? Hey, before you go, you need to watch these next few videos. They're absolute game changers. Hurry up and click right over here and watch them and I'll see you there.