In this interview, Dean Graziosi and Lisa Bilyeu discuss the deeper issue behind broken promises and lack of motivation: a trust problem rooted in self‑deception. Dean shares a story about grounding his teenage daughter for repeatedly failing to keep a simple commitment to clean her room, highlighting how lying to oneself erodes self‑trust. Lisa expands on why people make promises to please others rather than from genuine internal desire, emphasizing the need for a strong, personal "why" that resonates beyond external validation. They explore practical ways to create accountability, such as imposing self‑generated consequences and using identity‑based self‑talk (defining the person you want to be versus the person you don’t want to become). The conversation moves to the power of repetition and habit formation, suggesting that consistent, purposeful actions improve sales, parenting, and personal growth. Finally, Lisa shares her own eight‑year experience as a stay‑at‑home partner, describing how unspoken resentment built up and how honest communication with her husband allowed her to reclaim her dreams. Throughout, they advise listeners to identify authentic motivations, hold themselves accountable, and align daily actions with the person they aspire to be.
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She is phenomenal. She's the co-creator of Impact Theory, the co-creator of Quest Nutrition, both with her awesome husband, Tom. She's the host of the podcast Women of Impact, a number one bestselling book. I'm just excited to hang out with my dear friend, Lisa Bilyeu.
Thank you, Dean. This is such an honor. And as we were saying, it's just such a great way for us to spend time together.
So my daughter is gonna be 17. She's almost 17. I've never grounded her, but she got grounded last week for the first time because it was the 4th time I had to ask her to pick up her room. And for the 4th time, she said to me, Dad, I'm so sorry. You're right. It'll never happen again. And it happened again. So I grounded her and she thought she was being grounded for her room. And I said, no, if you don't want to clean your room, you should just come to me and go, Dad, I like my room the way it is. I'm an independent woman. I can deal with it. I said, I respect that. You know why you're grounded for a week? Because you lied, not just to me, you lied to yourself. I said, don't make commitments to yourself. I'm going to clean. And she— I said, did you mean it? She goes, yes, I meant it in the moment. I said, that's how it slowly starts. I'm going to I'm gonna go all in on my relationship. I'm gonna be more of an active listener. I promise. And then you don't. The greatest lie we could tell is to ourselves and then not follow through with it, because then you get used to disappointing yourself. I never shared that before. I just thought that was a topic that you and I would have fun talking about, is the biggest lie is lying to yourself. What do you think about that?
It's such a great topic. And here's the reason, is that we all give that excuse. Like, it's actually easy to say something in the moment and mean it, and then life basically steers you off course. Anything can happen. And especially being a female with hormones that you've got 30-day cycle. It's like in that moment you may absolutely mean it, but if you don't understand yourself, if you don't understand your goals, and you don't understand why you're doing something, then life can get away from you and things can come into effect and feel very true, right? Distractions feel very true. Excuses feel very true to you. So the question you have to always ask is, how do you make sure that when an excuse comes, you don't actually fall into the pit of it? Because it's easy for that to come. Now, one thing I'd actually even ask your daughter is, why did she think that she was going to clean her room, I'm going to bet it was because she was doing it for her dad, not because she actually wanted to. So going back to— we talk about this a lot, right? Have your why. But your why can't just be fleeting. So many of us will have a why to please someone else. I'm doing this to make this person happy. And that's where a lot of us women at least get trapped into the people-pleasing cycle. It's like, I'm gonna do this because this is gonna make my dad happy. But then the reality comes that she doesn't actually want to do it. Maybe in her mind she's got more important things that she wants to do. And so the thing that she tells you, even though she means it in the moment, all these other things come into effect. So I think for women, for any of us to really think through why we make these commitments, why we don't actually see them through, is why did you say you're going to make the commitment in the first place? Because especially when you're younger, you don't know kind of the detriment that lying to yourself is going to have on you. It doesn't seem like it's going to be a big deal. Oh, my dad, he's already forgiven me 3 times. Because you even said that, right? Is that she said that she was going to do it 3 times and there was no repercussions. So she knows in that moment of when she actually has to decide Does she do her homework? Does she go out with boys? Does she text her friend back? Does she go on Instagram? All these things are almost like a gravitational pull towards. Cleaning her room isn't going to be the gravitational pull. So now I think for her to really change that behavior is that what you have to go back to that why.
Yeah.
Why did she say she was going to do it in the first place? And then repetition creates habit. So the more she commits to doing something and not coming through to it, what's that going to teach her in the future? Oh, there's no big consequence. to saying I'm going to do something and then not doing it. So for me, I actually sometimes lean into consequences and create my own personal consequences if I don't do something, because there's external world that may not hold me accountable. So the question is, how do I make sure and hold myself accountable to those moments where I know in the future this is actually a lie, even though it feels true to me right now? And so if you can adopt that mindset of how do I create my own consequences to something that really matters to me in this moment, Mm-hmm. then that will helping me actually see them through. And then if I have a strong enough why that actually resonates to me, for me, because like I said, your daughter's why to make her dad happy is never going to sustain her keep doing it. Because maybe right now she said yes to you because she's looking for validation from her dad. The question actually is, how does she create her own internal validation? If I'm able to do that in real time, in the future when I do something, I now can look at myself and be proud of myself and not wait for everyone to give me the accolades to then be proud of myself.
A couple of things you unpackaged. Thank you for reminding me to, with my daughter, it's like I got to help her find her why. How does the dots connect from cleaning her room? Is it a habit? How you do one thing is how you do everything. And how do you stay organized? And is that compound to the thing that she wants to do? So I'm, thank you. I'm going to help her connect the dots, but it's not just for my 16-year-old daughter, everybody. You're listening to this. You know, you've made yourself promises you haven't kept and you're getting pissed at yourself. Find a bigger why. Secondly, I think besides a compelling future, if I do this, if I start my own business, if I finally decide to choose me, I also think you also have to say, what if I don't do this? Where will my life be in 5 years if you don't decide that you're the one that can validate yourself, that you could give yourself permission? So do you end up doing them both, like compelling future and the downside?
Yeah, I actually use slightly different language though, because I always try to use the language that's really gonna trigger me into action. And I just wanna irritate myself enough that I have to then act. 'Cause nice language doesn't hit me very well. And so even with when I think about this, I think of who is the person I want to be and how would they act? Who is the person I don't want to be and how would they act? And so when I think about— I love that. Who's the person I want to be, it allows me to not beat myself up over like maybe I've been triggered today or maybe I have an emotional moment that I could have handled better. Instead of beating myself up and shaming myself, which is absolutely where I used to go. And so how do I propel myself forward? I go, okay, Lisa, How you acted today wasn't your best self. Cool, I get that. Now, how do I use that to be like, okay, but now be that person? What does that actually look like? So even with your daughter or anyone listening, if you actually put together who is the person I want to be— I want to be the person that doesn't emotionally react when someone triggers me. I want to be the type of person that sees things through. I want to be the person that everyone can rely on when they're in struggle, right? Like, if you really write out that list, then it's like, oh, So even if my dad asked me to clean my room, I've just said, I want to be the person that when I make a promise to somebody, that they can rely on me. And so now there's that through line of, oh, I said I want to be that person. Now let me just take that one incremental step forward. And then the same with the other side. Don't ignore it. Don't ignore the fact that you acted in a way that is in accordance with the person you said you want to be. And so I need to be harsh with myself. I need to say, Lisa, that doesn't fly. You no longer can do that again, because if you keep going down that road, this is what will happen. Is that what you want? Yes or no? And I have to be very strict and very harsh with myself so that I have my why and that it's not based on somebody else's. Like, oh, someone said that that wasn't your best self. No, no. Did you feel like you were your best self? Yeah.
You know, I, I'm gonna shift gears here a little bit. Thank you for that. That, and I love repetition, right? It, repetition, like once you find that and then finding a way to just follow that and repeat it is how we get better. It's how we get better at sales. It's how we get better being parents of, of significant others, right? We gotta find the things that work and do more of it and find the things that don't.
Yeah.
I'm trying to do less of it, not trying to oversimplify it. I got to ask you something that I wasn't thinking till now. I look at you as this strong, independent woman who's simultaneously strong with the two of you together. A lot of times women feel as they're married to a significant other that means the world to them, but they've empowered that relationship or empowered them and kind of parked their dreams. And there's this moment of emptiness that I think they find. It's too many years of supporting, but have done it so long, they're kind of in a pattern. How do you find that balance?
Oh, Dean, I love this topic so much because it was exactly where I was trapped for 8 years. So growing up Greek Orthodox, I was basically subliminally told by my parents, by my grandparents, that I would end up being a great wife and a great stay-at-home mother, and that was going to be my future. And I fell into that trap even though I had big dreams and desires. And it was 8 years where I was just supporting Tom. And what ended up happening was, in hindsight, was I wasn't actually just sitting back and asking myself, what life do I actually want? Once you start to actually write out what is the life I want, then it becomes step 1. But then step 2 becomes, how do you communicate that with other people? Because while I was a stay-at-home wife for 8 years, I wasn't communicating to my husband Tom that I was unhappy. And what I said to him was, babe, I love you so much, but I haven't been truthful with you or with myself for 8 years. And the truth is, while I love you more than life itself, I hate I hate cooking for you. I hate cleaning for you. And that has no reflection of how I feel about you. And now once I did that, he was very open to the discussion. And then that discussion became as a result of him saying, well, what kind of husband would I be if I prioritize clean underwear over the happiness of my wife?
I wrote down the word resentment because if the worst part is if you never told him And he didn't know, you could start resenting him for doing the underwear and the cooking, even though you didn't want to, but you didn't express it to him. And all of a sudden you're like, I can't believe I'm in this. It's like, and he would be feeling the blame and some distance between you two. And he wasn't aware that maybe you didn't like that role. Is that true?
Yeah, 100%. Oh, I was definitely resenting him. He was going off to work. He was coming home. He was taking off his socks on the ground. And I'm like, I just spent 10 hours cleaning and like, and you're disrespecting me, right? Quote unquote. And the truth was, I felt it was a disrespect because A, I wasn't enjoying it. B, I thought I was doing it for him, and I was doing things that he didn't even say he wanted. I was just getting trapped in what I thought I should do, and the truth was I didn't care. I had just placed value on the fact that my life was consisting of cooking and cleaning for him, and I wasn't articulating any of it. I was just getting mad at him. But the other part was I didn't just come in and say, hey, I'm changing and now you have to accept it. I went in Seeing him as my partner and seeing the fact that how do we maneuver this together? Because just because I'm changing, it doesn't mean that I'm doing this alone.
