Stop Comparing Yourself and Be at Peace w/ Matthew Hussey

We all hear the aphorisms like, don't compare yourself to people. Comparison is the thief of joy. Our brain doesn't change with platitudes. We have to figure out what's a truth about why I shouldn't compare myself. That makes that's real to me. That connects me to that idea. Winston Churchill said, men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing happened.

Own your future. Because if you don't, someone else will. Welcome back to the Own youn Future podcast. Hey, it's Dean Graziosi, and I'm super excited to have this guest on today. He's someone that I haven't known for 20 years, not 10, not five, not even two. But I met him about six months ago at a mastermind with a bunch of friends and he just stood out. Just a great guy who's making an incredible impact in the world. He's a New York Times best selling author, international speaker. He is ready for this. The number one dating advice or he has the number one dating advice channel in the world. His YouTube has had over 470 million views, which is absolutely insane. And I could go on and on with all his credentials. But I'll say, you know, when you just meet someone and you know they got a heart to serve well, simultaneously they're a badass like that. That's the ingredients, that is the mix that you just know someone's gonna skyrocket. And I'm so glad to be here with my new friend, Mr. Matthew Hussy. What's up, man?

Dane, what a lovely introduction. It's lovely to see you.

Good. Good to have you here, man. And listen, it's true, we met like six months ago. We were in Napa, California. We sat around a big table and mastermind and Brainstorm and you know, you came over, we ended up having some great conversation and man, I just, I. I fell for you. Like, I just could see where your, your. Your smile. You. You have what it takes to go the next level.

I thank you so much, Dana. I. I don't have to tell you how much that means coming from you. And I'll tell you a quick story because I. About what? I started public speaking at 18 years old and there was, I remember giving a talk to very small group of people. There were like 10 people there. And there was a guy that hired me to work with him one on one after that speech I gave, and he was one of the clients in the room. And I asked him, I said, why did you choose Me, there were four or five different speakers there. Why did you choose me to work with after that? And he said you were the guy that, when you were speaking, all of the other speakers were making notes. He said. So that made me want to speak to you afterwards personally. Now, the reason I tell that story is not because of me. When I did that mastermind in January, we had, you know. And you know this because you know all these people much better than I do, but we had 30 or so people who were absolute powerhouses, all top of the food chain in their world, all people I admire and respect greatly. And you were the guy among the people who are at the top of every food chain who, when you spoke, everybody in that room was making notes. And that just made me so excited to speak to you afterwards and so honored to be here on the podcast because you're the person that leaders make notes when you're talking.

Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate that. And I'm so excited to have this conversation today. A couple of things for those of you listening right now or watching, you're going to want to stick around. I mean, here's a man who's the leader in helping women when it comes to love. I want to. I got some cool questions to ask, and I want to get you to share some stuff about that, about your marketing, about how you've started and scaled your business. But I want to get some answers that you've never shared anyplace else. So I'm hoping for that. That's my goal today before we get started, and that's going to be one of my first questions. But I got to ask you, this is the own your future podcast, and that could mean something different for everyone. For me, it means that I need to be in control of my life, my time, my calendar, who I spend time with, how I spend time, the way I dress. I don't want someone else to own my future. So I love that name when. When you hear those words, own your future. I got to start the podcast with that. What does that mean to you?

For me, it means focusing on the things that are a problem and actually fixing them today instead of burying your head in the sand. Because I've watched as people in life ignore the things that are coming. I feel like in so many areas of our life, if we don't do something about it, there's a cliff edge coming. And with time, we're just getting racing closer and closer to that cliff edge, and we're going to go off it. And the problem is when we go off it for real. When we really hit catastrophe in our life, it's unbelievably painful and it causes chaos in our lives. For me, we have to find a way to have the realization sooner about what's coming and then do something about it today. And I mean that for everything. I can mean that for big external issues, like I'm in the wrong relationship and this is going to destroy my life if I don't get out. And I need to stop ignoring that and actually start doing something about it. I mean it with business issues. I mean it with emotional issues. You know, maybe you have a level of anxiety that is going to be a real problem if you don't actually do something about it instead of just numbing it. And doing the work in therapy is. Is the work that needs to be done. But for me, owning your future is being really honest about the problems and then doing something about them right now.

I love that. I love that every. I ask that a lot, obviously. It's the on your future podcast. And I love that everybody gets a different and gives a different definition. That's so important. You know, when someone sees success, you're having right now, company growing impact. You make 460 million views on YouTube. Your company's growing fast. You're about to come out with a new book that I know is going to go right to the top. All those. All those things. But what's something you're fixing in your life right now that maybe others wouldn't think? You know, again, when people see from the outside, it's like, oh, you're on this podcast, you're doing this. You got that, you got that going on. But we're all always working on shit stuff that most people don't know. It's in the invisible. What's the invisible that you're working on right now?

Oh, what a great question. You know, for a long time in my life, I had. I didn't know I had anxiety, but I had anxiety. I thought that that was something that, you know, I just thought. I always. I just thought it was a normal feeling. I grew up. I grew up around a decent amount of chaos and, you know, things that, you know, I thought were normal. And then as I got older, I realized, oh, there's some of that's not so normal. And, you know, it. It left its mark. And in my 20s, I found ways to numb it and I found ways to kind of work myself to death so that I couldn't feel any of it, or I could try and Escape it. And by the time I got to my late 20s, early 30s, I realized, oh, this stuff isn't, you know, I can't keep telling myself that the reason I feel stressed and anxious is just because Rome is burning. And when Rome's not burning anymore, I'll feel better because there was a point where Rome stopped burning, and I still was constantly acting like Rome was burning. This hyper vigilance, this feeling that there was danger around every corner, that people couldn't be trusted, that I, you know, and I, I've really had to, in my life, come to terms with the fact that if I don't work on my emotional patterns, regardless of where they came from, not pointing the finger, but just going, this is my stuff now. Wherever it came from is mine now. And if I don't do something about that, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to feel calm, I'm never going to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I'm never going to feel connected in life. And that's been the work of the last few years of my life. In private, I don't. You know, it's funny, you said you'd get. You talk about things on this podcast that people don't talk about anywhere else. This isn't stuff I even say on my own YouTube channel, but it's. But it's real to me, and it's a very private silent war that I'm waging in my own life.

Listen, first off, I want to say thank you for sharing that, because this is the stuff that helps people when they realize, wow, Matthew, you too? Me too. Us, like, we. I want to tell you something, and it happens to a lot of people. You're running away from something, and Rome is always burning him, but you're running away from something painful. Something I, I always used to share, and I haven't said it in ages. And you reminded me when people say, hey, when you finally got successful or you finally had the money, or you finally. You didn't worry about money anymore, what was the biggest byproduct? And I would bet to say in my teens and early twenties, when I was broke and trying to figure this stuff out, I used to think, oh, it would be any restaurant I want, any car I want, any house I want. Oh, the private plane, like, and all those things. And I, and, and the vacation homes. And I've been able to do all of those. And I feel beyond blessed, but it's not the answer. I mean, heck, I, I get invited to the Grammys and the Oscars and all these. I don't do any of it. I love hanging out with my wife and my kids and working. I pretty much do nothing else. When I saw you in January was one of the first times I was out without my fan, without. And I brought my wife and kids, but usually I don't. So I. It was none of that. And you know what it was, Matthew, is when I stopped worrying about money and the Rome wasn't burning in your words, I had to look in my. In the mirror and realize I was still left with me. And I had no more excuses not to work on me. I had gone through a divorce in my life. I had gone through anxiety in my life. I've gone through an ulcer in my life. And I realized, man, I just can't keep running from it. And the one thing I have to say is, when I got money out of the way, I realized the only person that I had I was going to spend the rest of my life with was me. And it was that person in the mirror. And I had to work on anxiety and things. So I'm a little bit older than you, and I want to tell you congratulations for that. And everybody listening. I want to tell you I wish someone would have said to me, don't wait until you think you're successful to work on you. Because if you work on you now, the success will come exponentially faster. And it can come with a peaceful heart. I feel like that I ran with angst. Like, I don't drink coffee. Actually, I just started drinking. My wife got me an espresso maker. I had one this morning. I'm so jacked up right now, it's unbelievable. Like, I'm not used to it. I am 54. I just started drinking coffee still.

The.

The. The word is out. If I'm still going to use it. I love the machine. Just not sure I can handle it. But my whole point is, I probably did a couple of decades as if I was on three cups of coffee, like, oh, I gotta do this. I gotta do, like, this sense of urgency. And I realized I was just running away from a painful background. But when I. When I actually got to where I wanted to be, I realized that background's gonna follow me unless I face it head on. And I guess that advice today would be, don't wait until the success comes. Fix it first so you can enjoy the journey.

It always feels like the thing that can be delayed because it feels like the thing that has no immediate return. You Know what? What, what am I going to get from doing that work right now? Right.

The launch of the product shows happy clients and money in the bank. Right. The book, New York Times bestseller. And like you said before, we got on somebody while you were taking a walk. Yes. This morning or yesterday, somebody's like, oh, my God, I'm listening to you. Like, all that's instant digging into your past and your insecurities, man. Takes a little time, right?

You know, I heard Rich Roll talking about the, you know, himself being an alcoholic. And in his 30s, he gave up his law profession to pursue, you know, working on his sobriety. And he found himself in AA meetings watching all of his friends getting promoted and moving forward with their businesses. And all of them had. Were showing these outward signs of growth. And he had to come to terms with the fact that the work he was doing was in silence. In a meetings where there was no pat on the back, there was no anyone saying, wow, that achievement you did this month was incredible. But he credits the success of his podcast and everywhere he is today with that slowdown and with that work that he did on himself during that time. And I think it's true. I don't think anything, none of it would have happened unless he'd done that work. But so it takes courage to do that work because no one will pat you on the back three weeks from now for it. But the opportunities, I really believe this, they explode when you show up to your life with a different level of peace and calm and happiness.

Do you mind if I go a little deeper on this and ask what's one thing that you're using in your life to help you dig in or see a little clearer vision? Because it is the thing that's easiest to avoid. I mean, this cell phone that's sitting right next to me, you know, people, you know, people have masked anxiety or stress or deep worry with alcohol, with something that numbs them, with sex, with food. Now, I think a lot of people are doing it with social. I don't feel the best. Let me just keep swiping up until I find something that makes me laugh, makes me interest. We got Netflix 24 hours a day. I think we are in the dish. We are in the time of distraction. Right. Rather than the time of saying, hey, you, me in the mirror. We got a lot of time together. We're going to be in this. You're the person I'll be sleeping with no matter what for the rest of my life. We got to do this. And one, I'm Digressing here, but one thing I always taught my kids when it comes to sports is they don't win games when people are watching. They win games when no one's watching, right? When they're practicing and practicing all week. My kids both pitch. My daughter pitches. Softball, son, baseball. They love winning. I said, you don't win on the field. You win when no one's watching. And I think what you just said is so important with everything I just shared is this is the work you have to do when no one's watching. And it's not that rewarding and you don't get applause right away, but when you do the work, all of a sudden what you're doing in private starts to show up what you do in public. And I know that in my personal relationship, I didn't do the work on relationships prior to being with my wife and before I met my wife, I did the work. I went deep. I saw what insecurities I was bringing, how I. You know, my parents were married nine times, so my heart had a shell on it. I had to do all that work that seemed like for what? I don't even have the person in my life. What if she never shows up? What if I'm alone forever? And I had to do the invisible work with no proof it was going to change things, but when I did it, the outcome was there. I know that was a lot all in one to unpackage, but really boiling all that down, if you don't mind, what's one thing that you're doing in private that someone else might be able to borrow or create a version of it? I.

For me, the mornings are really, really important because. And I get up at a kind of silly hour, and it's not because I'm on some kind of, like. I pride myself on that hustle train of can I get up earlier than everyone else? I just value so much the time before anyone else is telling me what to think or what to focus on or giving me messages to be reactive to. And in that time, when I'm on my own in the morning, I have a process that I go through to really get myself connected to what's important to me in life. And I have two. I have a file on my computer called My Truths. And my truths are anything. Anything that connects me back to what's actually important in life, to what actually matters to me, to what's the really beautiful stuff that's driving me, not the insecure stuff that's driving me. And my advice for anyone who Wants to create something like, this is. Anytime you realize, anytime you feel connected to some truth about life that makes you feel at peace or that makes you feel like you just understand yourself differently, write that thing down in a file and keep that file all in one place. And it could be, by the way, that a truth is, they could be very practical. Like, for me, I learned, oh, showering in the morning and grooming and getting ready. Sometimes I would put it off till halfway through the day, and then I'd have to, like, shoot a video or do something. And all of a sudden I got to go, like, get ready to shoot a video. And I realized every time I showered first thing in the morning after a workout, I would then be ready for the rest of the day. And it was like, oh, truth. Like, I have. I should shower in the mornings because it's disproportionately efficient for the rest of the day. I. Every time I would work out first thing in the morning versus the afternoon, it would give me an energy and a calm. It would burn off a lot of anxiety, and it would give me a calm going into my day that set me up beautifully for the rest of the day. So I go, ah, truth. Working out in the morning really does set the tone for the whole day. But I would also have truths for other things. If I found myself in comparison mode too much with somebody else, one of my peers, and I was worrying that, oh, my God, they're doing so many cool things and I haven't done anything cool in the last six months. Or I'm like, you know, like those silly things, but they're real and they affect our emotions. If I connected to a truth about why it's so silly for me to compare myself. We all hear the aphorisms like, don't compare yourself to people. Comparison is the thief of thief of joy. But we don't. Our brain doesn't change with platitudes. We have to to figure out what's a truth about why I shouldn't compare myself. That makes. That's real to me. That connects me to that idea. And when we stumble, Winston Churchill said, men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing happened. And I feel like that in life, like we suddenly. We stumble across a truth that makes us feel suddenly at peace. Everyone's had that moment at some point in their life where, I don't know, you're walking down the street, and for whatever reason, life just makes sense to you. In that moment, you feel at peace. You don't feel plagued by all of those anxious thoughts. When I get a moment like that, I pause life, I stop life. And I'm like, hang on, what's happening here? Why do I feel like this? What thought preceded this feeling of peace? Why do I feel so good right now? Where am I? Oh, I'm. I'm in nature. Oh, I'm on a hike. Oh, I'm with someone I love. I pay attention to all of those things because they represent a truth that can lead me back to that feeling anytime I want. And I put all of those things in one place. And then in the morning, what I do. And it's very personal to me because that file is very personal to me. I wouldn't want anyone else reading it because it's such a private diary of my thoughts and how my brain works. But it's the thing I would be most scared of losing because over the years, I've just compounded the truth in this file. And then when I sit down in the morning, I open that file, I maybe play some music in the background and I just read these things. And it is like me having a manual for my own best brain every morning before I start the day.

Well, I have to tell you now I understand why you have so much success and why your company and your life is growing. Because they're the little things that are actually the big things. That is so powerful. I love that Winston Churchill quote. And I've heard so many Winston Churchill. I've never heard that one. And I love it. I'll keep it from. For life. Think about this. There are days, right? There's truths on both sides. There's truths to. Taking a shower allows you to do this. Be a better listener to my wife. Puts her in amazing mood, right? Making sure my daughter hears me when I talk or I hear her. Is it true if we all did truth on what takes away our joy, happiness, success, and what adds to it and actually recognized it. It Think about this. There are days when you feel invincible, you feel confident, courageous. You don't care what the rest of the world thinks. You got life on fire. Isn't it. Isn't it crazy that 48 hours later you could feel the complete opposite? Overwhelmed. You can't make anything go right. You screw everything else you touch. You're lazy or procrastinator. Life will always be this way. Isn't it amazing how in 48 hours we could have both of those feelings, emotions and. And voice that ring inside of our brain. Imagine if we acknowledged and Wrote down our truth. What was the truth? The day I felt good, what happened that day? What thoughts did I have? What did I do in the morning? And what were the thoughts that day where I felt sideways and I couldn't do anything right? And I know this sounds super simplistic, but even in my own life, when it comes to my company and my marketing, when it comes to the relationship with my wife, the relationship with my. My children, I literally always analyze what works and what doesn't. And I try to remember it. And here's the part you're gonna be like, oh, Dean, you're so brilliant. I try to do more of the things that make me feel better, make me feel courageous, and I try to do less of the things that don't. I'll give you an example, Matthew. I went 10 years without watching the news. Ten years, because I never watched the news in my life and felt better. I never watched the news and felt more courageous. I never watched the news and felt empowered. I have watched the news and said, shit, things are going sideways. Should I even work this hard? Is my money going to be worthless? Right? So I went a decade without watching the news. Then about a year ago, when things were going well, maybe two years ago, year and a half ago, during presidential election here in America, everybody was talking about. And I had a dear friend who didn't listen. He was, this is time you better watch the news a little bit because lots of crazy stuff going on. And I did about three, three months of about 15, 20 minutes a day. And I have to tell you, it brought me back into insecurities. And I was questioning some of my dreams, some of my aspirations, some of my innovations. And I was like, done. Cut it back out. That list of. The truth is, when I don't watch the news, I focus on my family. I focus on the people I get to serve. I focus on my team members. I focus on a good message and great interviews like I'm having with you here today. When I take some of those things out, the truth is, when I focus on that, I don't pay attention to what's going on around me because I can't change a lot of that. But I can help change the world by changing my family, my team, our impact. So not to digress on what I do, but I guess the question is for you, watching or listening today at home. What are your truths? What are the things that rob your confidence, make you feel like an imposter, make you question who you are, make you dim your glow to Match those around you. And what's the other truth that makes you feel empowered? Alive? I can do anything I failed before, but that's the past. And when you recognize those, they could be your greatest gift.

And I can't stress. You said it so eloquently. And I can't stress enough. When you stumble upon those things, consolidate them in one place so that. Because that thing will become a manual to your own brain. And once you have an operating manual for your brain, you can pull it out anytime you need. And I do it on a daily basis. I had the same instinct with you, Dean. I. The same recognition with Instagram that you did with the news. I literally wrote down in my truth file. Because you're absolutely right. You can write down the things that produce negative emotions reliably just as much as the ones that produce positive emotions. I said to myself, I Never finish a 20 minute scroll of Instagram feeling better in life. Not once. And once I realized that, I said this. This serves no function for me. The only time it serves a function is if there are peers of mine that might have reached out in direct messages or. Or I need to post something. So I said, fine, I'll designate a time to do that. I'm going to have Instagram deleted from my phone because I can't trust myself. If it's there, I'm going to go on it. I knew that. I recognized that. And I think a lot can be said for recognizing. It may sound derogatory, but I kind of. I think of it this way. I'm like. When I am honest with myself about how pathetic I am in certain areas, that's really helpful because I just. I. You know, like Instagram. I know if it's on my phone, I'm gonna set yourself up to win.

You know you better than anybody knows you. Right? Exactly.

So it's like, if that's true, let me stop pretending it's not. It's. It can't be on my phone. But what I can do is take the 20 seconds it takes to redownload it when I need to post something or when I need to get back to a friend of mine. But other than that, it's not there because I know that it will. I will go to it and it will make me feel bad. So that's been a truth for me. But write those things down.

Wow. I guess I challenge you listening right now. What can you challenge yourself to do or stop doing? You know, sometimes in life, it's as simple as finally saying, yes, I will or no, I can't anymore. Right. And sometimes that comes through truth. So changing the tone a little bit here, how did you end up becoming or having the number one dating advice channel in the world for women? I think it's amazing. I got to learn more about what you do and seeing the impact of what you do. But how did you end up in that field?

I originally this. So this goes way back because my dad, he always had self development books on the shelf. And we had all different lives growing up. We, you know, we had times when things were good, we had times when things were really bad. But whether we were living in a house or a trailer, my dad always had these books. And one of those books was how to Win Friends and Influence People. And I was about 11 years old when I read that book, which is a strange age to read a book like that. But I remember picking it off the bookshelf thinking it had kind of a strange title. And then the moment I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. And a very early age, it woke me up to the idea that you can actually. You're not condemned to just being shy in life. You're not condemned to the level of impact that you have right now that the things you may think are you can change and you can build these skill sets. And it was, I felt, I didn't realize, Dean, at the time, that this was like a seminal self development book. I thought I had discovered some secret scroll on my dad's bookshelf that no one else knew about. So for me, I felt like I had these superpowers that no one else knew. And I would go to school and I would use them and I would use them with teachers. And suddenly teachers were paying more attention to me and they liked me more. I was using them with friends. And it just changed my level of impact in life and gave me agency over it. And then it set me on a kind of self development adventure because I was picking up all sorts of different books in that world. As a teenager, my friend, his dad, I was about 14 years old, his dad used to take his company to Tony Robbins every year. And Tony at the time when, when this was back in England, Tony would come and do the Excel center in London every year and the. My friend's dad would drag his son along to these events and say, you're coming. And if his son fought him about it, he'd say, listen, you get to bring a friend. And that year my friend came to me and he was like, do you want to Come to this event. Wow. And I would agree. I pretended, I pretended like it wasn't a big deal to me, but I already knew who Tony was because I'd already been reading these kinds of books and Tony was the guy. So I said yes and went along to this three day event. It was Unleash the Power within in London. And it just, not only was the content building on all of these things that I had been learning about, but it also showed me how dynamic someone could be on stage. And he was, you know, I mean, he's one of the most dynamic people on, on earth. So I, it spoiled me because I really. Every other public speaker from that point.

Yeah.

And at such a young age my teachers at school were ruined for me in their public speaking. And I, I that immediately the marriage of the content that I loved and the delivery set me on a bit of a path. I won't say I knew what the hell I was going to do with it because I didn't. I just thought, oh my God, there's something about this speaks to me and you'll laugh at this, Dean. I was maybe, I was maybe 16, 17, and I went over to Dale Carnegie's seminar in London. Obviously Dale Carnegie's long since passed, but because he was my reference point and he was my entryway, I knew this franchise was doing events in London. And I went to this free event in London at a little hotel, kind of conference center and there were two people presenting. And because I'd just seen Tony not long before it, it couldn't compare to me, these local speakers doing this free event. And I, I felt this sense of confidence about this. And I went to their offices, the Dow Carnegie offices the next week in London, and I said to them, I knocked on the door and the receptionist answered. It wasn't a big office, there were a few people working there. I said, can I speak to your managing director? And she kind of looked at me confused and she said, give me a second. And she went in and she spoke to somebody and there was this guy who came looking out the door and he said, come in. And he sat me down and he said, what can we do for you? And I said, well, you know, I saw your speakers and you know, I, I feel like I can do a better job. I feel like I can do, you know, what they're doing. I feel like I know Dale Carnegie's work. I've studied it from a young age. I feel like I can. He said, well, what do you, what do you want to do with Your life. And I said, well, and I can't remember, I said something like, I want to do this and make CDs and this. Like he, and he, he said to me, young man, he said, I want to let you know, our speakers, they go through a lot of training. They go through years to be at the, the level that they, they're at. And I was, I didn't, I hadn't learned the lesson for all my Dow Carnegie knowledge at the time, I hadn't learned the lesson that the best way for a work, to work for a company isn't to start by insulting them. Yeah, I, I, he said, they've been through a lot of training to get there. He said, and look, we could put you on that path and it would take many years. He said, but, and he had clearly studied their own work because here's what he said. I see your energy and I see your ambition and I see what you're trying to do. And I got to be honest with you, I could put you on that path, but I'm worried we would just be slowing you down.

Wow. What a great, what a great answer. And he truly lived into the Dale Carnegie. I know everything about Dale Carnegie. I read every one of those books. Books. My favorite is how to Stop Worrying and Start Living is one of my, my favorite books.

It's such a good, that's a great one for anyone who I can relate through the anxiety. If you've got anxiety, that's the one you want to read.

It's such a good book. And one of my favorite quotes is from him where he said, the greatest plight of the human race is knowing you have more potential but not utilizing it. You know what I want to tell you as you tell me that story? What a great cap to that story, says, go, go do your thing. And then you could finish it and tell me how you got into this industry, because I got a couple questions that I think are really important to that, but it also shows, and this is what I, the message that I got from what you just shared is sometimes as we get older, we question the. I'm just going to go for it. You know, it's the wrong time. I've tried things before. You could have said, oh yeah, it takes years to be a speaker like that. I don't have time. We sometimes live in an instant gratification world. Right? I asked you, and this is from Tony Robbins. We all overestimate what we can do in a year and underestimate what we can do in five when we were at the Mastermind. Then I want you to finish that story and I got a couple really important questions for you. But I want you to, I want to ask you this. When we were at the Mastermind, there were some things that you shared about the evolution of your business. And sometimes when you're in business, you feel like you wish you were three people because there's so much going on, you're trying to transition and grow and you go from one size, but business to another size. And I think if you remember, I asked you, I said 10 years ago, would have you. Is. Would you have wished to have these problems today? And I watched you smile and you came over and you're like, son of a. Yes. Right. So when you think about today, the situation you might be in today, imagine if you told that kid that went in that office who left that and was on the street in, in the uk, in London, walking down the street and said, hey, come here a second, Matthew, I got this video, let me show you, and pulls out a phone and goes, this is who you're going to be in a decade or 20 years. You'd be like, no way I get to do all that and 400 million people or 460 million people are going to see my stuff. I get to help women all over the world find themselves, their confidence, their soul, find someone in their life. You would have been dancing in the streets. And I think again, back to your original thing about writing down your truth. Your truth is when we sometimes look in the rear view mirror of where we've come, we can approach the future with greater optimism because the only person you have to compare yourself to is you of yesterday, you of last month, you of whatever age you were when you walked into that office.

It's so special, you saying that day. I actually got goosebumps as you, as you said that. Because that's very real to me, what you just said. And it wouldn't have, I wouldn't have believed you as the truth.

Yeah. You would have said, yeah, that's, that's someone else's life. Right.

I've said to my fiance, Audrey, who you've, you've met and spent time with, I said, honestly, if it feels like we're living in a video game and if, if someone, if I woke up today and someone like woke me up and I suddenly was back in my bed, you know, 15, 20 years ago, and they, they said, and I tried to tell them everything that that was happening. And they went, your dream, that was a dream I'd Go. Oh, of course it was. That's so stupid. How. Yeah, how did I think? You know when you have a dream and you think it's real because you're in a dream and then you wake up and realize how absurd it is? That's how I'd feel about. About life if I woke up tomorrow and none of it was true.

The greatest feeling in the world. And what I want to say for anyone who's not in that place of where you're meant to be or where you feel like you should be, then use a podcast like this is inspiration. Use it as a belief that Matthew, myself, so many others that we have on here that none of us. There's not many magic wands that make things easy. There's a million times you doubt yourself. Matthew admitted today about dealing with certain anxieties in his life. There's no perfect path, but for sure, the only way it doesn't work is if you get off the path, if you decide that this wasn't meant for you. And, you know, talking about authors, you know, I reference this a lot, but one of my favorite authors now is OG Mendino, and I love the World's Greatest Salesman. And in scroll number three, it is, I will persist until I succeed. And that is the gift I wish. I wish my. I hope my children will have. Because there's no. It doesn't work if you just keep going until it does. Okay, let's get back on track. Just real quick. How did you. How did you take all that information, leave that office? And then how did you decide, I'm going to help women in this space? Because I got a really important question in that that I think all of us, especially us men, need the answer to.

So I started working with very, you know, one of the things that all that work had done for me. I certainly hadn't figured out my deeper trauma and all of that, but what I had done is learned how to be confident enough to take, to make a move. Even with my insecurities, even with my fears of rejection, I learned how to be bold enough to make a move, to do something about it. And it turned out that was very valuable to other people. And so especially in their love lives, where so many of us constantly hold back. We're terrified of making a move, we're terrified of being rejected. And we spend our whole lives never really knowing who we could have been with if we had had just enough confidence to get us to do something. And so I started helping other people with that. And I was helping Very, very small groups of women in London. I mean, originally, I literally just had a website that said, send me your question and I'll answer it. And it was free. I just said, send me a question, I'll email you an answer for free. And that was what I did. But gradually, gradually I started to become known in London as this guy who helped women in their love lives. And I started getting written about in newspapers, and my event started to grow from 20 to 100 to 300. And then I. I got picked up for a book deal both in the UK and the United States, which is a whole other longer story. But I. I started to become that guy who people went to for this. And that book became a New York Times bestseller. And I ended up living in America because I did a couple of events in America. My dream, Dean, was always to live in America. I. I went to America when I was a teenager for the first time, and I fell in love with it instantly. I felt connected to it in a way that I couldn't explain. And I. I really wanted to be here. And I say this because one of the things that I learned early on is one of the least eloquent things I say, and one of the most true, is that stuff leads to stuff.

Yeah.

If you just understand that concept, if you have something that you want in life or something, you just. It's a dream of yours. Instead of obsessing over how, just try and figure out how to get in the vicinity of it somehow. And for me, what that meant was just, just go book an event in New York. You know, at the time, I had a decent number of people who knew me in London, but barely anyone in America said, just book an event in New York, Just go. Just, even if five people show up and it barely even pays for your flight, just go. And I can tell you that that's a whole different story, maybe for another podcast, but that me booking that event led to the place I'm in now, where I'm a citizen of the United States. And that was a dream, but once again, it's.

All things are based on taking the uncomfortable actions of those first steps. Right. And, and, and you're right. One of the things you said before, and I didn't elaborate because you were sharing it in the middle of a longer story. But social media has its benefits, but it also has created this feeling, especially in my daughter's generation, who's 16, of this instant gratification of things come too quick. And when we really step back and understand moving to America was originally a dream, a desire, a goal. It was years away from 15 to whenever you moved here. When you left that, when you read the book at 11 or went to the Tony event or walked out of that office, all of those things, you wanted them today. That's a fact. But my grandmother used to say to me, all things in their own time. And I think there's a little more to add to that. All things in their own time. When you persist until you, you succeed, when you combine that, it's the greatest gift we could give Anyone, whether you're 60, starting over 70, or 17. Right? It's that persistence and the opportunity to follow your heart. I love this journey. I love that you started helping women and all of a sudden you fell into the same industry I'm in. And my partner, Tony Robbins, right. I, Tony impacted me that way. Now we get to be partners and talk every day is you are in the business of sharing what you know, sharing what you've learned. You're in the self education industry, the, the knowledge industry, whatever you want to call it. And I feel beyond blessed that I'm in it. And I feel everybody in the world should be in it because we all have something that we have in here, an asset that someone else needs. But I, I gotta, I, I might ask you more about that in a moment, but I got a question for you. I've been waiting to ask you this one all day. From helping so many women find love, helping them with their life, confidence, joy, abundance. With helping so many women, what's one thing that most men should take away from that? What's one thing we could learn from women or a takeaway that you were like, God, that's a common thread. I just know. When you met my wife, Lisa, I've learned so much from her because I'm in a different phase of my life. I'm madly in love with her. We talk more than I ever talked with anybody in my life. I listened deeply and I've learned so much from her intuition. I've learned so much from her heart of, you know, her heart of gold. But I mean women in my opinion, and you tell me, I trust my wife's intuition, her gut feeling more than I trust my own. I trust my wife to see around corners in a way that I don't. And I feel like it's a common thread, but I could be wrong. So I'd love to know when all these years and the millions of, of women you've helped and touched, what's something us men could Learn from them.

Oh, man, what a great question. I've never been asked that before. I. Well, I. I'll tell you what I've learned from Audrey, which I suspect you and I have a lot in common in this department. But. And. And what I think us men can learn en masse from women. Two things. One is, I spent so much of my life, and I think a lot of men do, especially type A men, constantly kind of optimizing, constantly looking at, what's the next level? If it's a business, how do we scale? If it's your body, how do you take that to another level? If it's, you know, your finances, how do we grow it to this point? And that's like an optimization game. And I think a lot of guys spend their lives playing that game in their love life where they're constantly looking at. It's almost this feeling of, is this the best I can do? And should I be trying to level up? And there's a kind of dismissal of the fact that. In that we're talking about human beings, right? Human beings won't be optimized in that way. Relationships. Two people can optimize a relationship. But if you're just going through life.

Trying to upgrade to the next version.

Completely, always thinking, is this someone with this and this? Is there someone with this? And that leaves men desperately unhappy in their lives because they end up playing the wrong game altogether. They play a game in their love life that actually, it doesn't work in that context. What I have come to believe is that a. An enormous number of women who are much more. Not all women are like this, but women tend to be much more in a place of, I want to find someone that I can love and commit to and grow with and grow with and give that my all. And. And a lot of men are constantly in a place of, you know, doubt, and could I do this, or should I get this, or should I. I've heard men say, I'm gonna wait until my stock is higher until I make a choice in my love life. And that tells you something about that.

The way they're thinking, it might be a little flawed. I'm just saying, you know, I. I have to. I want to reinforce that real quick in my own personal life. I watch my parents get married and divorced nine times. And of course, you don't think. But some of that stuff sticks with you. And I went through a divorce in my life, and I just said, you know, I wrote down all these things that I wanted in a woman that were non negotiables. And, and what I wouldn't accept in a relationship, like, this is what I won't accept. This is what are non negotiables. And it could be, you know, loving my two older children as if it was her. Some big old things. And I remember one day, Matthew, and I'll leave it at this, and I got another question for you. I remember looking at this list, I'm like, Look at you, Mr. Badass. You want this perfect woman in your life. Are you the man that can attract that badass of a woman? And I remember thinking, wow, if I bring the same version of me to the next relationship, I'm probably going to sabotage it and it'll end up the same way. And what I found this little mantra of like, I need to become the man that attracts a woman. Like that not has to pull, but they'll come to me, right? And I went and got a love coach and dating. I mean, I went through. I interviewed 10 people that had been. Been married forever and still seem like they were being loved. I searched everyone. I'd ask everybody, hey, who do you know? It's been married for a long time. And I'd get. I don't mean sit down, interview with a camera. I would just find a relationship and call. So tell me two things that has kept you. And I really dug into me and I upgraded who I was because I realized when I first went through divorce, I was like, okay, what, what woman do I need to make me whole? Rather than saying, that's right, I'm going to bring the same version of me. So I, I love what you just said. And I, I get to be proof of what you're sharing because I'm just as responsible as my previous wife of the failure of that marriage. I am, maybe I'm 51, I'll have to say, right? So I worked on me and I got to meet my wife and now we get to grow together. So it is definitely the way I think we are programmed. So, men, listen up, look in the mirror. Can you bring a different version of you? Rather than thinking your wife or your significant other is there to fill the holes? You fill the holes so you guys can grow together.

And one little thing I'd add to that, which is a nice way, I think, for a lot of us to frame it is there's Oliver Berkman. I don't know if you know Oliver, but he wrote a book called 4000 Weeks, which is the average length of a life. And one of the things he talks about is this idea of when you realize you can't do it all because you don't have time, you start getting really honest about what you can do. And when we don't, when we put off decisions in our life, it's because we're kidding ourselves that we have time to do everything. We're like, oh, I don't have to decide right now because I can do this and that and that and that. Well, the truth is we can't. And making decisions is an acceptance of our mortality. That I have to decide thing. But what I really believe in relationships is that the word settle has a really derogatory association in most people's minds. I don't want to settle. Like, that's the worst thing I could possibly do. I think we have to rebrand that word because when we think of settling, we think of settling for someone and we usually think of settling for someone who is. We're somehow being shortchanged. We should have got this, and instead we got this. I really believe in settling on somebody. Settling on somebody is powerful. That says, I'm making a decision that I'm going to stop this search for whatever it is I have in my head or somewhat society has told me or whatever, or whatever my friends tell me, no, but you, you should also have this. And instead I'm just going to. If I found someone with the raw materials to be the most incredible partner.

In the world.

I'm going to stop worrying about the optimization game and settle on this person and make it everything it can be. Because for me, the idea of the one is nonsense. And it's the same. The same as I think that the idea of like, just our one true calling is. Is nonsense. Like that when people go searching for, like, what's the job I'm supposed to do? You could do 100 different jobs and be happy. The truth is, you find something, a career path that has the raw materials to be something extraordinary and you make extraordinary, sculpt it into something extraordinary and relationships are the same way. That's not me saying you should try and change someone or live for their potential. Is me saying that when you find an incredible teammate, it's going to be an extraordinary relationship because of what you build, not because of what you find.

So good. Hey, we got it. We got a little bit more time here. But how do people find you online?

So I My website for all of the women out there who are looking for love in their lives. How to get the guy.com is my website. You can find all things, my courses, my live events there. But for anyone who is, you know, every year I run a virtual retreat and that's for men and women and it's not just for your love life, it's for every part of your life. You know. From this conversation hopefully people will see my my interests are diverse in terms of self development and this program is me taking everything that's ever helped me heal in my life and find peace and confidence and happiness as well as a degree of success. I put that all into a three day program that I do and people can find everything about that at MH. That's my initials, Matthew Hussey. MH virtualretreat.com Amazing.

So and definitely go out and find Matt. Especially if you are looking for love and have want an alternative way or a different way to look through a lens of make that happen. I got to witness behind the camera of this gentleman and how much he cares and how much he works to try to serve his people. So I'd say go find him on this podcast. Since we started a couple people have asked me questions as we got to it. You know I love it. You were in the mastermind where ended up being that exact forum. So I'd love to ask you do you have a question for me or anything I can help with? Your business, your life or just something that could give you a jump start Start.

I have about 100 questions for you, Dean. I'm going to try and limit it to one. I suppose one of them is relating to the events that we do. We have always grown so well organically steady but really well. And now when we do events, there's thousands of people in these events. They keep growing. But I see what you're doing and I see what Tony has done and I see people who the scale is on another level. And I have a feeling that it's not just time that is doing that. There's maybe something a bit too insular about the way that I'm growing and you know, maybe that's because we haven't quite cracked ads yet. Maybe it's because partnerships are not something that we have done a lot of. I mean we've promoted other people's things but we haven't really made any asks in terms of getting people on board for things we're doing. Where do you think is the best place to put our focus in terms of taking us, let's say from 1,000 people in an event to 5,000 people or 10,000 people? Is it ads? Is it partnerships? Is it Something else altogether.

Well, first off, I want to say by growing organically, it just shows that you are delivering reciprocity and value to the world or you wouldn't be growing. So I want to give you hats off to that. Right? A lot of people start with ads and they have to try to figure that out. You started by just providing free value. You said, email me for free, I'll help. You've given value to the world. I want everybody to hear this. If you're ready to start a business, a self education business, a coach, a course, a training, a book, anything or any business you have, there is nothing more powerful. I started my relationship with Tony Robbins by giving first. There is. We are in a generation, we are in a time where so many people want, want, want, and very few you realize the power of reciprocity, not to use that, overplay that word of giving value to the, to those first before you ask for anything. So what I love to do, if you watch what Tony and I are doing and what Matthew McConaughey and I had done and a bunch of others, is we will do things which you're already doing, where we give value in advance. So what I'd say to you is two things I would pick if I, if you said to me, hey, you're consulting for me and I'm not, I'm trying to do this in four minutes, right? I would say two things. Don't, don't look to be the best at ads right away and go really deep on ads. Don't look the best of having partners or affiliates. But I would scrape the cream off the top of both. I would literally write down 10 people in your life that would be the perfect partner for you. And I would build a recipe. I build reciprocity or reciprocal relationship with them. See how you could serve them, help them. You've helped me already in this relationship, right? So I would find 10 people that it doesn't con, it doesn't compete with their product. It would only serve the women that they have and help them if they're looking for love. And it could be a great channel partner that always is promoting this incredible value that you guys provide. So instead of saying I'm going to go all in on affiliates or partners, like let me get 5 or 10, let me get my feet wet, let's over deliver to them, let's show them how we'll treat their clients and then simultaneously on ads. What I see most people do with ads wrong is they go really deep, really broad and they end up to me, a lot of ads. I've been doing this 27 years, Matthew. I was on infomercials because it was before the Internet existed. And I used to hate when people didn't give value in their ads. So I would say with the, the, the relationships you've built with the value you give, I would say don't go all in on ads, but I guarantee there are people that need you right this very minute that your social, your podcast, your YouTube channel, or your email list are not reaching. So instead of looking at, look at like, hey, there are a few alleyways in this road that we're not going down. And these ads can find them. And I would find value that you could give in each one. Right. I. I have this model that I call Hook, Story close. And it. Hook. You know, you could call it whatever you want. It's really the stop sign. And for me, it's like, there's one sentence that gets people to go, oh, wait, that's me. And then the story to me is value, right? You have so many things that have helped women through the years. I'd identify the 10 top things that have helped women through the years that you could put in a short sentence. I would, I would have a grabber. I would share that. So there was an actual takeaway. If they never click on anything, they're like, this Matthew guy's pretty cool. And then I would invite them to something so they learn more about you. I know that's ads101, but most people feel like they got to go all the way. And I would dip my foot in both. I would. I would give a 60 day plan and said, in 60 days, I'm gonna have five partners, channel partners, promoting me, and I'm gonna have three ads running that convert in a way that allows me to afford them. And just. You will learn so much from both of those. And once you do that, if there's any feedback I can give you, I'd love to help you.

That's incredible. That's great advice. And look, you know, when you say it's 101, the truth is, it doesn't matter. You know, I. I've been doing this for 15 years now. It's amazing how many times I realize I'm not doing 101.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. Hey, before we go, anybody in your life in the past or in the future, I love to ask this. Is there anybody that you would like to thank that has made an impact in your life? I think sometimes we forget to do it. I know I do. And the days I remember to thank somebody who helped course correct my life, it makes me feel better. So who'd you like to thank?

I mean, my fiance, Audrey has been the person that in the last few years of my life, came along at a time when I was really questioning a lot of, you know, how I was living and whether I was, why I wasn't as happy as I would have liked. And her energy and her calm and her peace and values that she brought into my life really centered me on things. You know, she, she has this phrase that she says all the time, which is chase, chase the right things. And if you chase the wrong things, you're always going to end up being unhappy and having to circle back to the right things. If you chase the right things, you're always going to be okay. And, you know, she has, she has taught me to chase the right things. She's also a badass because she, she, she became the head of content for my entire company because she's so incredible at, well, from the little bit, a.

Little bit of time I got to spend with her, I have to agree with you. She's pretty amazing and it's awesome to give her that shout out. Matthew, I want to say this was an amazing conversation. I appreciate you spending the this time. Thanks for all the things you do for us. I look forward to watching you just grow to a whole nother level. The world needs more of this, especially now. We're so fragmented. There's so many messages out there. There's so many things to divide us and we need more people pulling us together. So thanks for all you do. I appreciate you spending time on this podcast today. For those of you listening, make sure you go find Matthew and if you like this today, share it with three friends. Go back and listen to three episodes. Follow or subscribe. And if you want to be a part of our newsletter, it's deansnewsletter.com we'll give you updated events and what's coming next. I appreciate you so much. Thanks for listening to the Own your future podcast. We'll see you next time.