The Daily Habits Quietly Making You Anxious (And How to Stop Them) | Matthew Hussey

We're in a time where so many people want, want, want, and very few realize the power of reciprocity. Not to use that, overplay that word, of giving value to the, to those first before you ask for anything.

Making decisions is an acceptance of our mortality that I have to decide something.

What are your truths? What are the things that rob your confidence, make you feel like an imposter, make you question who you are, make you dim your glow to match those around you? And what's the other truth that makes you feel empowered, alive? I can do anything. I failed before, but that's the past. Don't wait until you think you're successful to work on you, because if you work on you now, the success will come exponentially faster, and it can come with a peaceful heart. Don't wait until the success comes. Fix it first so you can enjoy the journey. And I'm super excited to to have this guest on today. He's just a great guy who's making an incredible impact in the world. He's a New York Times bestselling author, international speaker, and I could go on and on with all his credentials. And I'm so glad to be here with my new friend, Mr. Matthew Hussey. What's up, man?

Oh, Dean, what a lovely introduction. It's lovely to see you.

Before we get started, and that's gonna be one of my first questions, but I gotta ask you, this is the Own Your Future podcast, and that could mean something different For everyone. When, when you hear those words, own your future, I got to start the podcast with that. What does that mean to you?

For me, it means focusing on the things that are a problem and actually fixing them today. I feel like in so many areas of our life, if we don't do something about it, there's a cliff edge coming. And with time, we're just racing closer and closer to that cliff edge, and we're going to go off it. And And the problem is when we go off it for real, when we really hit catastrophe in our life, it's unbelievably painful and it causes chaos in our lives. We have to find a way to have the realization sooner about what's coming and then do something about it today. And I mean that for everything. I can mean that for big external issues like I'm in the wrong relationship and this is gonna destroy my life if I don't get out, and I need to stop ignoring that and actually start doing something about it. I mean it with business issues. I mean it with emotional issues. You know, maybe you have a level of anxiety that is gonna be a real problem if you don't actually do something about it instead of just numbing it. And doing the work in therapy is, is the work that needs to be done. But for me, owning your future is being really honest about the problems and then doing something about them right now. For a long time in my life, I had I didn't know I had anxiety, but I had anxiety. I just thought it was a normal feeling. I grew up, I grew up around a decent amount of, of chaos and, you know, things that, that, you know, I thought were normal. And then as I got older, I realized, oh, there's some of that's not so normal. And, and it, you know, it, it left its mark. And in my 20s, I found ways to numb it, and I found ways to kind of work myself to death so that I couldn't feel any of it, or I could try and escape it. And by the time I got to my late 20s, early 30s, I realized, oh, this stuff isn't— you know, I can't keep telling myself that the reason I feel stressed and anxious is just because Rome is burning, and when Rome's not burning anymore, I'll feel better. Because there was a point where Rome stopped burning, and I still was constantly acting like Rome was burning. This hypervigilance, this feeling that there was danger around every corner, that people couldn't be trusted, that I, you know, and I, I've really had to in my life come to terms with the fact that if I don't work on my emotional patterns, regardless of where they came from, not pointing the finger, but just going, this is my stuff now, wherever it came from, it's mine now. And if I don't do something about that, then I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to feel calm. I'm never going to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I'm never going to feel connected in life. And that's been the work of the last few years of my life in private. I don't know, you know, it's funny you said you'd get— you talk about things on this podcast that people don't talk about anywhere else. This isn't stuff I even say on my own YouTube channel, but it's real to me. And it's a very private, silent war that I'm waging in my own life.

I'm a little bit older than you, and I want to tell you congratulations for that. And everybody listening, I wanna tell you, I wish someone would've said to me, don't wait until you think you're successful to work on you. 'Cause if you work on you now, the success will come exponentially faster and it can come with a peaceful heart. But my whole point is I probably did a couple of decades as if I was on 3 cups of coffee, like, oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do— like this sense of urgency. And I realized I was just running away from a painful background.

Right.

when I actually got to where I wanted to be, I realized that background's going to follow me unless I face it head on. And I guess that advice today would be don't wait until the success comes. Fix it first so you can enjoy the journey.

Winston Churchill said, men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing happened. And I feel like that in life. Like, we suddenly, we stumble across a truth that makes us feel suddenly at peace. Everyone's had that moment at some point in their life where I don't know, you're walking down the street, and for whatever reason, life just makes sense to you in that moment. You feel at peace. You don't feel plagued by all of those anxious thoughts. When I get a moment like that, I pause life. I stop life, and I'm like, hang on, what's happening here? Why do I feel like this? What thought preceded this feeling of peace? Why do I feel so good right now? Where am I?

Oh, I'm—

I'm in nature. Oh, I'm on a hike. Oh, I'm with someone I love. Oh, I pay attention to all of those things because they represent a truth that can lead me back to that feeling anytime I want. And I put all of those things in one place. And then in the morning, what I do, and it's very personal to me because that file is very personal to me. I wouldn't want anyone else reading it 'cause it's such a private diary of my thoughts.

Yeah, yeah.

And how my brain works. But it's the thing I would, I would be most scared of losing because over the years I've, I've just compounded the truth in this file. And then when I sit down in the morning, I open that file, I maybe play some music in the background, and I just read these things. And it is like me having a manual for my own best brain. Every morning before I start the day.

Isn't it amazing how in 48 hours we could have both of those feelings, emotions, and voice that ring inside of our brain? Imagine if we acknowledged and wrote down our truth. What was the truth the day I felt good? What happened that day? What thoughts did I have? What did I do in the morning? And what were the thoughts that day where I felt sideways and I couldn't do anything right? And I know this sounds super simplistic, but even in my own life, when it comes to my company and my marketing, when it comes to the relationship with my wife, the relationship with my, my children. Um, I literally always analyze what works and what doesn't, and I try to remember it. And here's the part you're gonna be like, oh, Dean, you're so brilliant. I try to do more of the things that make me feel better, make me feel courageous, and I try to do less of the things that don't. I'll give you an example, Matthew. I went 10 years without watching the news. 10 years. Because I never watched the news in my life and felt better. I never watched the news and felt more courageous. I never watched the news and felt empowered. I have watched the news and said, shit, things are going sideways. Should I even work this hard? Is my money going to be worthless? Right? So I went a decade without watching the news. Everybody was talking about it. And I had a dear friend who didn't listen. He goes, this is time you better watch the news a little bit because lots of crazy stuff going on. And I did about 3 months of about 15, 20 minutes a day. And I have to tell you, it brought me back into insecurities. And I, and I, I was questioning some of my dreams, some of my aspirations, some of my innovations. And I was like, done, cut it back out. That, that list of— the truth is, when I don't watch the news, I focus on my family. I focus on the people I get to serve. I focus on my team members. I focus on a good message and great interviews like I'm having with you here today. When I take some of those things out, the truth is when I focus on that, I don't pay attention to what's going on around me because I can't change a lot of that, but I can help change the world by changing my family, my team, our impact.

I had the same instinct with you, Dean. I, I have the same recognition with Instagram. I said to myself, I never finish a 20-minute scroll of Instagram feeling better in life, not once. So I said, fine, I'm gonna have Instagram deleted from my phone because I can't trust myself, if it's there, I'm gonna go on it. I knew that. I recognized that. And I think a lot can be said for recognizing— it may sound derogatory, but I kind of, I think of it this way. I'm like, when I am honest with myself about how pathetic I am in certain areas, that's really helpful. Because I just, I, you know, like Instagram, I know if it's on my phone, I'm gonna—

But you're just setting yourself up to win. You know you better than anybody knows you.

Right, exactly. So it's like, if that's true, let me stop pretending it's not. It's— it can't be on my phone. But what I can do is take the 20 seconds it takes to re-download it when I need to post something or when I need to get back to a friend of mine. But other than that, it's not there because I know that it will— I will go to it and it will make me feel bad. So that's been a truth for me. But write those things down.

Women, in my opinion, and you tell me, I trust my wife's intuition, her gut feeling, more than I trust my own. What's something us men could learn from them?

Oh man, what a great question. I've never been asked that before. I think a lot of guys spend their lives playing that game in their love life. They're constantly looking at— is it almost this feeling of, is this the best I can do? And should I be trying to level up. And, and there's a kind of dismissal of the fact that in that we're talking about human beings, right? Human beings won't be optimized in that way. Relationships— 2 people can optimize a relationship. But if you're just going through life trying to upgrade, trying to upgrade to the next, next version completely, always thinking, is this, is this, you know, is there someone with this and this? Is there someone with this and the— like, That, that leaves men desperately unhappy. When, when you realize you can't do it all because you don't have time, you start getting really honest about what you can do. When we put off decisions in our life, it's because we're kidding ourselves that we have time to do everything. We're like, oh, I don't have to decide right now because I can do this and that and that and that. Well, the truth is we can't. And making decisions is an acceptance of our mortality, that I have to decide something.

Yeah.

But what I really believe in relationships is that the word settle has a really derogatory, uh, association in most people's minds. I don't want to settle. Like, that's the worst thing I could possibly do. I think we have to rebrand that word because when we think of settling, we think of settling for Someone, and we usually think of settling for someone who is— we're somehow being shortchanged. We should have got this, and instead we got this. I really believe in settling on somebody. Settling on somebody is powerful. That says, I'm making a decision that I'm gonna stop this search for whatever it is I have in my head, or somewhat society has told me, or whatever, or whatever my friends tell me.

No.

But you should also have this. And instead, I'm just gonna— if I found someone with the raw materials to be the most incredible partner in the world, I'm gonna stop worrying about the optimization game and settle on this person and make it everything it can be.

You know, by growing organically, it just shows that you are delivering reciprocity and value to the world, or you wouldn't be growing. A lot of people start with ads and they have to try to figure that out. You started by just providing free value. You said, email me for free, I'll help. You've given value to the world. And I want everybody to hear this. If you're ready to start a business, a self-education business, a coach, a course, a training, a book, anything, or any business you have, there is nothing more powerful. I started my relationship with Tony Robbins by giving first. There is— we are in a generation, we are in a time where so many people want, want, want. And very few realize the power of reciprocity, not to use that, overplay that word, of giving value to those first before you ask for anything.

Thank you.

I would say 2 things. Don't look to be the best at ads right away and go really deep on ads. Don't look the best of having partners or affiliates, but I would scrape the cream off the top of both. I would literally write down 10 people in your life that would be the perfect partner for you. And I would build a reciprocity or reciprocal relationship with them. See how you could serve them, help them. You've helped me already in this relationship, right? So I would find 10 people that it doesn't compete with their product. It would only serve the women that they have and help them if they're looking for love. And it could be a great channel partner that always is promoting this incredible value that you guys provide. And then simultaneously on ads, what I see most people do with ads wrong is they go really deep, really broad. And I used to hate when people didn't give value in their ads. So I would say with the, the, the, the relationships you've built, with the value you give, I would say don't go all in on ads, but I guarantee there are people that need you right this very minute that you are social, your podcast, your YouTube channel, or your email list are not reaching. So instead of looking at it, look at like, hey, there are a few alleyways in this road that we're not going down, and these ads can find them. And I would find value that you could give in each one, right? I have this model that I call hook, story, close. And hook, you know, you could call it whatever you want. It's really the stop sign. And for me, it's like there's one sentence that gets people to go, oh wait, That's me.

I mean, my fiancée Audrey has been the person that in the last few years of my life came along at a time when I was really questioning a lot of, you know, how I was living and whether I was— why I wasn't as happy as I would have liked. And her energy and her calm and her peace and values that she brought into my life really centered me on things. You know, she, she has this phrase that she says all the time, which is, chase, chase the right things. And if you chase the wrong things, you're always going to end up being unhappy and having to circle back to the right things. If you chase the right things, you're always going to be okay.