This is The Key To Forgiveness in Relationships | Dean Graziosi

How do you heal issues in the world, guys? How do you, what do you think? Put in the chat on how you think you heal issues. I believe one of the things that heals issues is finding a common ground. Forgiveness. So what is your thoughts on forgiveness? Sylvia, are you there?

Yes.

Can we put her on the screen Mike so I can see her? Sorry guys, nobody's talking to me. There we go. Hi Sylvia, how are you?

Hi, it's. I'm Sylvia from Indonesia. I'm sorry, I'm sleepy face. It's 1, almost 1am Here.

Oh, well, thank you for joining us. So your question is, what is your idea about forgiveness in the relationship?

Yes, because I'm doing the relationship. I'm a relationship coach, right. Lately I, I keep hearing this, all of this thing from the people like, you know, they have this very, very hard time on forgiveness. Especially like a lot of husband or wife, they've been cheating each other and then some like got it's a more than five kids like from previous marriage and everything. And then it's really, you know, hard for them to start another marriage. Like especially it's like this is the second marriage or third marriage and then they messed up again. So what is your idea about the forgiveness?

Well, I'd love your opinion on this. What I want to share is that's a hard one, right? Especially being unfaithful is a hard one. It's a hard one to forgive. But no excuses. This is just my thing is sometimes people have a pattern, right? Like you're saying it's this first and second, third marriage and that same pattern happened over and over is for me, forgiveness is really difficult if someone isn't working on fixing it, right? Because it's not forgiving. You're. How do you forgive somebody if that's who they are, if that's their values, if that's what they believe, if that's what they do. I think the only way forgiveness on that deep a level would ever work is if someone is doing massive shifts to fix it, right. It's like for me, I've witnessed friends who have gone through. So my best reflection is I'm thinking of a couple right now. I can't say their names, but when that happened in the relationship, the dude just pacified his wife and said, I'll go to a sex anonymous thing, I'll do a weekend thing. And I messed up. People mess up and it was really like blown past and the depth of true transformation wasn't there. And the real communication and there's no Excuses for being unfaithful. And I'm not saying there is, but the real depth of the problem was that the two of them had been disconnected for years. Not blaming her, not blaming him. I don't. But they'd been disconnected for years because they avoided things. And then they led. It led to that. And then when it happened, he really didn't go deep on the actual transformation, and they ended up not being together. But I've also known people through time that when that hit and they realized how much they loved each other, and they both stepped up with compassion, not blaming the other person ever, if there's someone's unfaithful. But they both took part in the separation or what allowed them to get there, and they found their connection. They found the thing that they loved about each other, and then real work was done. Right? Like, this is. I want you to. I want you to have the password to my phone. I want to do therapy once a week. I want to go a date once a week. I want you to feel safe and secure. These are the things I'm doing. These are the things I'm changing. I've watched that happen, and I've watched an amazing relationship blossom on the other side of that. So the only thing I can do is tell the tale of two stories, of watching two experiences.

So for me, I would say forgiveness. I feel like it all starts within that person's self, right? There's some people that just have such a hard time forgiving the littlest things or the biggest things, whatever, if the other person that has been forgiven, like Dean said, you know, wants to make changes, admits their faults, and says, listen, I want to make this work. I'm an open book. Let's do this. Let's. Let's find a way. How do you. How would you feel better about what I do differently or, you know, vice versa? But then that person that was hurt still can't get over it. And I've been into that situation where the. The person did everything they could to completely make me feel secure and, you know, changed everything and. And was an open book, and I still just could not get over it. And I was true with myself, and I said, listen, I just can't. And then let's just be honest with each other, and there's no point to waste more any more time. I was a lot younger at that time, but, you know, it's just so.

Glad that guy screwed up.

But it takes two, and it takes really honest conversations between both people. And I think each situation has Its own different story, too.

Yeah, so it's a good point, Sophie. Thank you. Thank you for the question. I hope that helped. Thank you. All right, let's pull up Alicia Maldonado. Alicia Maldonado. And Alicia asked, how can I. And Mike, I know you guys will work on pulling her up. Alicia asked, how can I talk with my husband about issues in our relationship without upsetting his masculinity? That's a really great question. Mike. Let me know if we can pull up Alicia Maldonado. Alicia, go ahead, say hi. I wonder if you. We got to get better at this. Are you on mute, Alicia? Okay, unmute Alicia and hop on. All right, let's do it. Alicia, are you there? Oh, that stinks. Let's try. We'll keep trying, and we'll answer that question. Mike, can you help her out in any way possible? How can I talk to my husband about issues in our relationship without upsetting his masculinity? Okay, I'll ask you because I know what I want to say, but I always talk first. So if you had something you wanted to talk to me about that you thought would be sensitive, what's a good way to approach it without questioning masculinity?

Okay, so I would definitely wait for the right time. I wouldn't ask you when you're stressed, or I wouldn't talk about it when you're stressed or having a hard day. And I would always probably start. I'm just thinking about what I usually do.

I start with, I'm learning the secrets here now. So. So I could see it coming now. Thank you, Alicia. Appreciate it.

I, you know, whatever the situation is, I would start with, babe, you know that I love you, and you know that I think this of you. Like, you know, but. But. Or I have a concern. Do you think. And you. I feel like I always ask you the question, like, do you think that maybe we should be spending more time together? And then you. I've kind of put it back on you. I never, ever. I am so against harsh words and. And be. And not just to men or. But women. I mean, I don't talk to people, but with putting them down. So I think by just not putting them down, that is number one. Like, I. I've never told you you suck, or, oh, you're awful, or, oh, you're. I mean, I can't think of other words but right now. But stuff like that. Like, I think there's a way to talk about.

It's even more subtle. Right. Alicia, can you hear us now? I can See you. Oh, unfortunately, we don't hear Alicia, so I'm so sorry. I wish we could. Good to see you. I see your little whiteboard in the back and your fish tank, and. Awesome. So, Alicia, what I'd say is. And coming from a man's perspective, there are subtle words and things that. Especially if there's something you've been dying to talk to your husband about, and if it's sensitive and you feel like you've tried a few times and you really haven't gone deep enough, right? I could see the smile on your face, right? It builds up in you, and all of a sudden you start thinking, I can't believe I can't talk to him about this. And it's bugging me. And it becomes bigger and bigger. This little thing becomes a mountain. And what happens by the time you finally get a chance to talk? Sometimes that frustration comes out first, right? And you're like, you know, this is something important to me. Like, I can't believe you haven't listened. Or, I can't believe you ignored that. Or, it doesn't have to be, I can't believe you're not a good person. It's more subtle to that. Men are so damn sensitive in certain ways. Like, everybody talks about men, women, being sensitive. We're so much more sensitive. Like, there's little triggers that hit us, and it's like, you're right. You poke up. It's like, well, I don't need that shit. And why would someone say that to me? And I take care of this, and I do all these things for you, and on your birthday, look what I did. Oh, I gotta go, right? Because think about men. We just want to fix it. Because I know men are from Venus and women are from Mars, and we get that, but it is an absolute fact, and I fight it every single day. When Lisa brings anything up, my brain immediately goes to a solution. Like, did you ever see the video where the girl has a nail on her head? Anybody ever see that video? Mike, go find that video. That is the best video in the world. I'm so sorry. We can't hear you, Alicia. But, like, the girl's got a nail on her head and she's talking to her husband, and we don't need the video, Mike. It's okay. And every time she's like, I just want to talk to you because I have this headache. And he's like, but you have a nail in your head. And she's like, it's not about the nail. And she's Trying to give all these other reasons. And she's like, no, but, you know, sometimes I'm just like, I'm a little foggy and I can't clear. And it's just this pain right here. And he's like, it's okay, babe. That must be hard. Like, you just watch this thing. But it's so true. I know. I find myself whenever she brings something up. Do you think the kids should do more chores? I'm like, yeah, they should make a list. We'll get it done. And I will do that. And she wanted to talk more about it. Like, how can we make it a part of their lives? How can we do this? It's kind of bugging me that the kids left a mess in the kitchen when we asked them to clean up. I'm just making right for me. I'm like, okay, make a list. Do the chores. I don't know. Is there anything more to talk about? Babe? I'm good. I'm kind of on a call. Like, literally, that's how my brain wants to work. And then a lot of times she'll bring something up like that that I feel is so petty. I'll think it's so small. I'm like, you're telling me that was something that bugged you for a month that you were waiting to ask me? Are you freaking kidding? Just ask me. I'll give you the answer. So what? Knowing that, Alicia, knowing that's how men think is. I would go about it in a way, like what Lisa said. And even in a subtle way, it's like a sneaky way would be, hey, babe, is there anything that you've been thinking about the last? Like, if you could talk to me or ask me about anything, is there anything you'd like to share? Like that maybe I hold back here or something? Like, let him do a share first. Because men will always fall for that trap. Just want to tell everybody, like, hey, babe, is there a way that we can make our relationship better? Is there something I'm missing? Here's a good word. You ready for a man? Write this down.

I'm taking notes to you guys.

Yeah. Is there a blind spot I have? Do I have a blind spot in our relationship? And is there something that could make us more connected, have more fun? Remember when we first got together and that fun we used to have? We don't worry about shit sometimes we do now. We got the jobs of the kids and the house and all that stuff. Is there a blind spot? I have. I'd love to have it and ask him. And I promise he'll talk. And either at that time, or maybe you just listen to his. And you take. And you bite your tongue, even if you want to say something. And then maybe a day later or at that moment, you say, you know what? I'm so glad you shared that, because I'm going to work on that. You know, here's something I know this might sound silly, and maybe it's not a big deal to you, but it kind of is to me. I'd love to. And ask him about that. Now, where men's masculinity is, like, what? I mean, if you go back to the root thing, like, a man's masculinity is intuitive or built into us that we want to protect. We want to do the things to protect our families, to make sure everybody's okay, make sure everybody's safe. If there's any words that make a man feel like he's not doing that job, he's not protecting you, he's not making you feel safe, he's not doing the right things. Even if it's true, those things hit men. And the defense wall goes up. Boom. The shield goes down. It's like, I worked my ass off this week. I took care of you. I don't even want to freaking talk about this right now. It's stupid. Look at all I've done. I've sacrificed. I'm working overtime. I'm starting a second business. I'm in the knowledge industry. Plus my job. Are you kidding me? I do everything I can for our family, and men get in this weird freaking space, right? Anybody ever see men get in that weird space? Dudes, do we get in that space or what? Right? Like, come on. Right? As men, you gotta. When you find yourself going in that space, which I still find myself doing, this is not a guy saying, I'm reformed. It doesn't happen. Lisa asked me something last week, and I'm like, I literally. My first reaction is like, are we really talking about that again? I thought we solved that. The chore list or whatever it is, it's up on the. It's up on the refrigerator. Like, seriously? Like, that's how I wanted to reply, and I might have started that way. And then I'm like, no, that's. That's this masculine guy. Like. And then I go, okay, babe, let's. Maybe we'll have a Sunday meeting and make sure we anchor that in and we talk about it as a family. Does that sound good? Should we do that? And then she talks a little bit more on stuff, and in my head I'm like, why the hell is she still talking about it? We solved it 10 minutes ago. But I listen and I let her share and I let her keep going. And in the back of my head, I have to be honest and I'll be truthful. My brain still going, oh, my God. She still has more to say about this. Right? But I found a way to love her for it, not be resentful for it. Right. Does that make sense? Okay. All right, thank you. I'm so sorry we couldn't hear you, but I hope that helped. I would have loved to get your feedback, but I hope that helped Melinda Hunter. And maybe you guys can pull up Melinda Hunter. When you have a situation where you don't agree, how do you handle the conversation? Hey, Melinda, how are you?

I'm doing good, thanks, Dean.

Good to hear from you. Mike, can we put her up on the screen so we don't have to look down to see her? We can look up. Okay. There you go. What's going on today?

Oh, I'm just enjoying all of your tips. I've been married for 26 years and together with my husband for 33 years. And so we're empty nesters now. And it's like we've gone the full circle. And I feel like. I feel like our marriage has gotten stronger, kind of like going back to the time of dating. But there is that masculinity when I have, like, maybe I don't approach something the right way, or you have a conversation or a topic where you don't agree on. And I was just trying to figure out how you two handle situation or conversation that you don't both agree on. How do you handle it?

You go first.

Okay. So I would say my rule of thumb is to always treat the other person the way I want to be treated. I always talk to people the way I want to be talked to. If I was okay, maybe with being told, shut up, I'd be like, shut up, Dean. But I'm not okay with that. So I don't talk to him that way. If there is a conflict that we have, I'm really spicy. I would say so. I have to also tell myself, okay, calm down right now. You're not in the right space to confront the situation. Just take a step away, smile and nod. I do a lot of that. And sometimes it bothers me. Like what? Say something like, no. Yeah. Because I know I'm mad and I know what I'm going to Say is not going to come out right, and then it's just not going to be good. So I take a deep breath in my mind. All day I'm telling myself, how am I going to bring this up again in an elegant way where I don't offend him? And then I find the right time and then I'll bring it up. Sometimes if it's just too deep, a nice letter like this is how I feel. That way he can read it at his own time and think it over. And there's no back and forth and. Or you not getting your word in or your say of what you want to say. I don't know. I just think I'm just simple. My rule of thumb is just treat people like the way you want to be treated. Even an argument. I never say something so bad in an argument where I'm going to regret it later because I don't want to go back and be like, I'm sorry for what I said. But now that I'm saying I'm sorry for what I said, we never fixed what really the problem was, because now he went so far above beyond that.

So I'll share that is true. It's exactly how she handles it. And when I see you go, okay, babe, let's talk later on, I'm like, oh, she's not so happy with that one. But here's what I would say. Are you a part of kbb? Okay, so you know the part where I talk about influence and understanding the thoughts, like, answer questions going on in the mind of the other person. Let people feel understood, not understand them. The same as persuasion, the same as negotiating, same as honest communication. What happens when you disagree? Sometimes we intuitively become lawyers and want to argue our case, right? We can't help it. We want to argue our case. It makes so much fucking sense. Excuse me, I. Language. It's like, how can you not see this is the right answer? Right? It's like, what's going on in America right now? If someone's way to the left and way to the right, there's just in their world so much that we can't see. The only way to heal is to come together in middle, right? And how do you. How do you. How do you heal issues in the world? Guys, how do you. What do you think? Put in the chat on how you think you heal issues. I believe one of the things that heals issues is finding a common ground. Right? I believe the world could be healed by finding a common ground. We all have a common ground. We're so separated in so many ways right now. But if we really sat down with someone way to the left or way to the right or in the middle, we all call about, care about family, we all care about our freedoms. We all care about race being a non existing issue in our world. We all care. We all believe that compassion comes first. I believe that. I think there's people extreme to one side and extreme to another, But I think 90% of the world, if we all got in one big room and we talked about our kids and talked about family and talked about being together and talked about a higher power, whether it's, whether it's Buddha, Jesus or God or whoever you believe in, I think we go like, holy crap, we all got a lot in common. All right, how do we move this forward? But so many times as we feel so like put to the side that we want to fight our case, like, this is what can't you see this is right? Are you freaking crazy? So here's what I'd suggest. Live inside the mind of your spouse. What is he thinking or what, you know, your other, the other half. What are they thinking? Right? What, what is going on in their mind for them to think the way they are? How do they come up with the conclusion that you don't agree in? Agree with. And all I know is the best way to influence in business, the best way to, to get someone to hear your point is to put their glasses on and really look through their lens. Like, why is he thinking? Why? Why is they go, why are they going down that road? Why would he think this and that and, and then approach it in a way like, hey, I know we've had this topic that we don't agree in. I just want to tell you, I really spent the last couple days looking through your lens and I could see how you've come up to that agreement. You know, you've done this, your childhood led you to this. And that time you were in that relationship before, that time you did this with your work or the reason you're Republican, the reason you're Democrat, I could see how it landed there and I could see how that looks. And I want to tell you I understand it more today than I ever have, but I hope you give me a little chance to see my journey on. Why? I think this because of my child, because of my past job, because of the way we raise our kids. And I see both sides. How do we try to figure out a way where we blend those or come up with some kind of Middle ground. That always works 1,000%. But it's a really hard thing to do because if someone's not on the same page, you might be doing that, and they're still stuck saying, no, no, no, I'm here. There's a line in the sand. This is it. But I think how you soften that is going to. Through their lens. You know who was. What was the name of the guy put it in the chat? The gentleman that was in the wheelchair. Really brilliant guy. He passed away last year. What was his name? The scientist put it in the chat. Sorry, I forget his name. He made a movie about him. But did you know that he used to. What I thought was the most fascinating thing in the world. Do you know that he used to spend years coming up with, like, a. A thesis or a story like how the universe was created? And he would come up for years of figuring that out, and he would release it. And then you know what he did for the next couple years? He would spend two years disproving why it wasn't true or how it couldn't be true. He would battle his own thoughts, even though it was years to come up with, this is how the universe was created. And then he'd spend two years figuring out how that's not true. And I think we. The more we can do that, the more we understand. Like, sometimes Lisa, it'll. It'll drive me crazy. Like, we get to do things. We're beyond blessed, and we get to do cool stuff, and we'll be busy. And Lisa will be doing something in the kitchen, like making fancy hearts for her clients where she can go online and buy them for five bucks each, right? And she'll be in the kitchen, and it's time. I want to be together. I'm like, I got free time. Let's go play. I'm making these hearts for my clients. I'm like, babe, they're five bucks each. Go buy a hundred of them online. I'll buy them right now. You don't need to do this shit. And she'll be like, how could you say that? I want to save the money. It's like our electric bill costs more in the last 15 minutes than all of those things combined. Are you crazy? But part of me is, like, wants to get frustrated. But I also know that she comes from parents who are immigrants from Mexico that had absolutely nothing. They didn't speak the language. She grew up as a firstborn of immigrants and had nothing as a child. Her parents went into foreclosure when she Was a kid. She's been working full time jobs since she was 15. She saved everything she's got. Everything she had before I met her came from her. She made it on her own. She saved every dime, and that's built into her. So when I say when, she's like, I was gonna go to this store, But I drove 20 miles to this store to save nine bucks. I'm like, are you effing kidding me? Like, go buy the whole store. Don't leave me for an hour because you saved $7. But I have to realize that's how she came up. So when I look through her lens, I could say, babe, I totally get it. But what do you think is more important? Should we go to dinner tonight? Take Luca, spend time with the kids. And then I look at it, she's like, oh, my God, you're right. But if I just go, oh, that's stupid. Stop spending the money. It doesn't work.

Yeah, that's true.

Does that help?

Yes. Thank you for bringing me back to the tools. I appreciate it.

Oh, you got it. All right, guys, that hour went really fast. We're at an hour and seven minutes. Guys, this is so much fun spending time with you in the chat. Mike, the chat started going. Could you scroll up so I could see the chats coming in? Mike, they stopped feeding. I like seeing the chat. That's my energy. That's my love here. Guys, should we have Lisa back on? So if you guys want Lisa back on, I think we should have more time, because then I get more time with my wife. So we'll get Lisa back on. We'll do another version of relationships. We can go deeper on business relationships, or we could just do fun stuff. But thank you guys for being a part of our inner circle family. It's a pleasure to be with you guys every single month. I love coming up with cool things that we could talk about. And remember, if some of the things didn't serve you today, maybe that's not where you are in your life. Remember, there's always magic in everything we learn, right? So take what serves you from today and throw the rest away. If there was one sentence, one thing, one concept, one thing Lisa said, one thing I said that could fit into your life where you are right now. Then take it and then implement it. This isn't just about me being up here and my wife up here just dumping stuff that comes out of our mouth. Listen, if we didn't have the relationship we have, I give you my word, I wouldn't be here. Sharon. We truly have a connected, passionate, fit, friendship relationship that grows every day. I can't see my life in a moment without her. What's up? What's up? Hey, before you go, you need to watch these next few videos. They're absolute game changers. Hurry up and click right over here and watch them, and I'll see you there.