Lloyd's Story

Hi, I'm Deb Bushong-Song, founder, owner, and therapist of Conversations Therapy. And I would like this person to introduce himself.

Hi, I'm Lloyd Reed. I am friend, patient.

Friend.

Patient. Friend. Yes.

Yeah.

Of Ms. Deb. I've known her, what is it going on, like 4 or 5 years?

Gotta be at least 5.

Yeah, yeah. 4 or 5 years now.

So yeah. Yeah. And he is here to tell his amazing story. Yes. Okay. So where do you think your recovery story starts?

Definitely. I definitely— the whole program, because I got diagnosed and when I got diagnosed, I got diagnosed when I went back in. But when the whole program started, it It was the first time that I had a structure of how to combat what I was going through. And so that structure gave me the mindset of, okay, Lloyd, this is actually something wrong. You're not tripping. A lot of times with the symptoms and stuff, you think it's so real that you don't understand what's really going on. So being in the HOPE program was that structure that I needed to be able to climb out the hole that I was in.

Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. What was the thing that brought you to treatment?

My mom.

I was going to say, you better say your mom. Yeah, I know she brought you in.

Oh yeah, she didn't play that though. She definitely brought me in. She was— didn't give up. She just didn't accept. She's the one who actually brought me into the hospital for when I got diagnosed, right? So she brought me in and she just kind of, you know, she just went above and beyond for me. And she's the only reason I found out about the HOPE program, you know? So yeah, definitely my mom. Without my mom, I probably wouldn't have been in the HOPE program.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, she definitely was a driving force.

And, you know, she would tell it how it is too. Yeah, I'm doing okay. No, no, he's not. You know? But yeah, yeah, definitely.

She would definitely hold you to the fire.

Yeah, she—

there's no playing with Connie.

No.

Tell me what recovery means to you.

Recovery means to me being able to live a very fruitful, productive, enjoyable, you know, being able to live life. That's what recovery means. Having like 21 years without schizophrenia, you know, and when it first happens, you're like, dang, my life is like ruined, you know, my life is ruined. I can't, you know, because in the beginning you can't, you can't, you You have to relearn how to live because you can't operate how you used to operate.

Right.

You know? So really, when I was in that state at the height of my psychosis, all I could think about was like getting back to regular stuff, maybe college, you know, or what I want to do. You know, it's funny because before schizophrenia, I would be like, I want to do this, this, this, this, this. But at the height of my psychosis, I'd be cool if I'm just nice and regular, you know, because I just want to be playing old Lloyd again. Exactly, exactly. So for me, recovery means not necessarily only to have the confidence to live, but being able to live a life despite— live a life that I can enjoy, be proud of, and, uh, instead of just, you know, just, you know, living like— yeah, live a life that I can enjoy, be proud of, and live full life despite the fact that I have my mental illness.

Yes. Love it. How important is the concept of HOPE? And I don't mean the program, but just the concept of hope to your recovery.

Oh man, it's absolutely everything because I wouldn't have got through it without God. And God has installed hope within me that way through the bad times. I know that I'm going to come out and I'm going to be better and it's going to be okay. Hope is what keeps you going. Hope is what makes you not kill yourself. Hope is what makes you fight. Hope is so important because without hope you have nothing to look forward to. And if you have nothing to look forward to or live for, then what's the purpose of it? You know?

It's true.

So hope is amazing.

Hope is amazing. You are correct. How about the concept of acceptance? How important is that to your recovery?

Oh, it's so important. And it's so hard. It's one of the hardest things about recovery because you don't want to accept the fact, you know, it's like people tell you, oh, like, okay, Miss Sandra, Miss Sandra, the— she— Sandra is my old therapist in the whole program. It would run— dealing with her, it would run me like hot. She was like, it's a chemical imbalance. I'm like, no. It's real. It's real, you know. But going back, understanding where she comes from, yeah, I literally have something wrong with my brain. And the way schizophrenia works, it's so string pulling. It has your conviction, you know, it has your conviction. So once you accept and believe that there is something wrong with you, the rest just comes like a stream of water because getting past that acceptance means, okay, I'm going to love myself enough that even if it feels real, even if these voices say something, even if I feel less than or anything like that, I'm going to love myself enough to accept what I'm going through and live accordingly. You know?

Yeah.

So acceptance is huge. Once you accept what you're going through, the recovery process is that much more easier.

So true. And it's— you're true. You're so right about how hard it is to get to that point.

Yes.

You know, but then it's like getting over this huge hill.

Exactly.

You're like, oh wow.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, most definitely. Because when you do that, it's bliss. It's like, okay, I love me. I got people— it's surrounded with people who love you. That's it. You don't need the world to love you. You just need a couple of good people and that's it.

That's it. When you've gotten stuck, what's helped you get unstuck?

A couple of things. So when you say stuck, I mean like, not me, but I'm thinking the first thing come to my mind is me being in the living room with my mom and me going, you know, talking to myself. And she said, get out your head. And I, you know, I'll be like, okay, okay, okay. You know, and that's, that's what I first thinking about, about getting unstuck.

That's a really good example though. I think that's great. I think that's perfect. You know, just your mom just catching you and being like, hey, come back here.

Exactly.

Come back to us.

Exactly. Exactly. Because if I'm being honest, it took years to build coping mechanisms to where it's like, okay, boom. Like you said, with that acceptance and and okay, I'm tripping, let me reset myself. That's, that's, that's, it's hard because like I said, it has conviction. So you, you'd rather entertain it and come out on top than back up and, you know, not entertain it. Yeah, you know. Yeah, it's a constant fight. Yeah.

How do you get the support you need?

I've been blessed. I've been blessed because I have the HOPE program. They gave me— y'all gave me ton of support. My mom, she's a fighter. She did not give up on me, so she definitely surrounded me with the support I need. My little sister was there, you know, and she's back from college right now. I call them my ladies, my ladies, you know. Yeah, and I get support from them. I'm learning how to be a man. I got my dad in my life, thank God. He almost croaked the other week, last week.

Oh no.

Yeah. Blood clots. Because he's always like factor 5. So he's always dealt with blood clots.

Yeah.

And the blood clot, we were on the way to church and he passed out, like hit the ground hard in the bathroom stall. Luckily I was there, but he's good now. He had to have a surgery with blood clots again. But I know God is good because he surrounded us with people. If he wouldn't have— because he drives from Dallas to Houston for church, right? So if he wouldn't have left the church and he was by himself when that happened, he wouldn't be alive. He'd be dead.

But also, you were there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thank God.

Your family around you.

Yes. That's the biggest support. And then having y'all a team, it's not a flaky team. Y'all were there for me. There's no ifs, ands, or buts. Whether it was job, whether it was therapy, whether it was medicine, whether it was just having someone who I could talk to whenever I want to. You know, it's Deb. You know, having that, that was— that's what kept me. And God, yeah.

Yeah. So how do you keep going even when you feel uncomfortable?

Let me see how to say this. Not, not, not up a shut up way, you know? No, no, no. You got to be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. You just— I believe in taking breaks.

You know, that's really good.

Yeah. Yeah. I believe in taking breaks. If something is very overwhelming, it's okay for me to go sit down myself for about 2, 3 minutes and just be with me, you know, as opposed to engaging in the environment that's giving me very— a whole lot of anxiety. I believe in taking breaks, so I'll take a break even with studying. I'll take a break and get back to it, you know. So Yeah, I believe in taking breaks. I take breaks because sometimes it's like children, like babies need nap time. We need breaks. We can't just work 24/7. That's not, that's not healthy. And you're going to burn out and you 9 times out of 10 don't even know when you kind of hit that tipping point or, you know, why you burn out. You just know you're burned out because you have your head to the ground and you're just trying to bulldoze through everything as opposed to taking a back, looking at the situation. But Okay, I got those stairs, good bulldoze, but I think I'll take the stairs. You know what I mean? Just to gather your thoughts and have cognitive thinking.

Yeah.

So I love that.

Like so many people don't even think about taking a break. You know, it's perfect. Do you have things that you recognize that are triggers for like a decline in your mental health?

If I fully engage in conversation with myself.

Okay. You know, that's when you know, uh-oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, people, we talk, talk to ourselves, right?

Sure.

You know, we can carry a conversation with ourselves. But with what I realize is schizophrenia, like, and when I'm around people, it's different because I automatically have to compose myself. But say I come by myself. And I'm just— I just happen to be entertaining really hard, and I'm like, out loud, you know. And I have to catch myself, okay, I'm talking fully out loud, having a full conversation by myself to these voices, you know. So it's just like, okay, that's— that's when I have to like, okay, Lord, you're talking out loud to yourself, you know. Or, you know, yeah, you told me, like, like, because— because when it's like that I, I did this the other day. It's like 2 AM, maybe— no, maybe like 12:30, 1, right? And I decided, okay, I'm gonna clean my room. I got the music playing. I'm not thinking. I'm relaxed. So I'm, you know, not tripping about engaging with them. Now mind you, my room is a little bit bigger than this. I didn't finish cleaning until about 4 AM.

Wow.

You know, because I'm listening to music, I'm engaging in them, I'm relaxing, you know. So it, it definitely— when I, when I begin to talk to myself a full-blown conversation and I find my emotions to be really wrapped up within the conversation, yeah, that's when I realized— when I realized that I'm like, okay, that's why in the back, let's, let's have the, the boundaries and the pillars that you can go to and just, you know, think things out, relax, bring it back and stuff like I think that's really good that you recognize, like, okay, hold on, where is that? Yeah, yeah, yes, yes.

Uh, talk about a time that you were in denial.

Oh man, oh, it made me— life be blessed, Miss Sandra. She caught, she caught some hell for me. I'm not gonna lie, she did. And I feel so bad, I need to contact her. Because I was, like I said, you know, it's a chemical imbalance. Like, no, no, no, something going on in my head. There's something going on and I know it to be true, you know. I know it. I was in denial for a very long time because the talking to the voices and it's hard to ignore what they say. So you have to fight what they say, you know, or have enough— not discipline, not only, but just enough cognitive thinking to bring it back. And a lot of times, you know, you don't develop those skills until, you know, after years of practice.

Yeah. You know, it's not a quick fix.

Oh, no, no, not at all. So like, The way I actually got diagnosed is, well, I went in to 4 different facilities from August to November. The last one was not the Hope, but Giselle Lipsch. But I didn't get diagnosed then because, like I said, I was in denial. I was like, okay, these voices are XYZ. It's like a game. I can't tell people. But we ended up sending me into— and my mom turned me in because I told her, I said, Mom, that shit is going to be— It's over. I said, you know, at the time in my head, I was talking to Malia Obama, and this is wild, but I was telling her, I said, yeah, Ma, I said, I'm going to meet her. They're going to pick me up. I'm going to meet her. I'm going to give them my child and then they're going to kill me or throw me in prison for the rest of my life. And when you talking, when you said the now, that's what I think of, because I told my mom with tears in my eyes, ready to die, you know, and she was like, okay, we You need to go to the hospital. I'm like, Mom, no. I said, don't worry yourself. It's about to be over, you know, because I ain't felt that much pain in my life ever when I started going through schizophrenia. So it takes time to get out of denial because it feels so real. It becomes your world, you know? And you're in like an iron bubble that won't pop.

Yeah, that's a really good description. That's a really good description.

Yeah.

What stressor are you grateful to have put behind you in the past few years?

Stressor? Are you talking— you talking about like what stresses me out?

Yeah, anything that's— that has been a stressor for you that you've able to kind of been— been able to put behind you.

Oh man, a stressor, stressor. What stresses you? That's a good one.

If you can't think of anything, that's all right. I mean, I can think of one for you.

What would you say?

You put your associate's degree behind you.

So wait, wait. Okay. Yeah.

You know, things that stress you out.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I put my associate's degree behind me. I'm currently in college right now and in boot camp, so that's stressful. But another thing that would stress people You know, I always like my old friends and stuff like that. Like, I love them. We still talk and stuff like that. But, you know, my mom and I, you know, that's who's with me. So stressors, wanting to fit in.

Yeah.

You know? Yeah.

So are you working on making a new friend group?

Not yet. Well, so I don't even know, I stopped drinking and smoking.

Lloyd!

Yeah, so I was thinking that maybe—

Oh my gosh!

Yeah, I stopped drinking and smoking.

That's huge!

So yeah, I was thinking of that maybe being the stressor a little bit.

A little bit? Oh my gosh, that is humongous! I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, thank you.

I see that huge smile on your face too. You're proud of you.

Oh yeah.

What's a hard lesson that you're grateful that you learned?

A hard— let me see— a hard lesson that I'm grateful that I've learned. A hard lesson. I can't do everything by myself.

Oh gosh, that is so good.

Yeah.

Yes.

And I'm learning different ways, like Without my mom, I can't— oh, for example, I just got a new dog, right? So tomorrow I say, yeah, Mom, be on it, I'm be on it, I'm be on it, right? So we got the dog, and without my mom and my sister, oh my gosh, I wouldn't be able to raise that dog by myself, you know? I wouldn't, I wouldn't. So a part of it was like, you know, realizing I can't do everything by myself, you know? Like, in your head, oh I got it, I got it, I got it. Without God, I would be screwed. He's vouched for me and kept me in positions, has given me stability and concrete foundations to where if the voices come at me XYZ, even if I can get, you know, wrapped up in— I can say, boom, go to that pillar right now. Like, okay, now you can't mess me up. Remember what God said. God done brought me through it. You know, I can't do it without them. So understanding that I need people, beings in my life to help me throughout my life because I can't do it all by myself.

That's so true. Love it. Do you have a daily schedule that you do?

I'm more, mm, yes or no.

Are you kind of a wing it guy?

Yeah, but like I, like I'll stay up late, work all night, sleep, get up, you You know, by class, eat, go to class and then study. Just do work, schoolwork or, you know, or work from a boot camp. So, but I know given that I have so much little to do, you know, I just, and I don't have a job, right? So I stay up, wake up and then do what I need to do and just be good then, you know? So yeah. Yeah, that's what I do.

You set goals? I mean, I think you've kind of answered that already, that you definitely have set some goals and you're working very hard to achieve them.

Yes.

Talk about a value that's important to you.

A value, a value, a value. The first thing that comes to mind is love. And then after love, I think about truth, respect. Yeah, kindness, right? I learned that I want to be kind, not nice. Nice, nice sometimes means that you'll bend over to accommodate other people when you really should accommodate yourself. But kind, kind is showing genuine love to oneself and the other, not degrading oneself for the other.

So well said.

Thank you. Yeah, I love that. That's why I like it. Yeah.

Who's someone who really listens when you talk and how does it affect you? And I have a feeling I know who you're going to say.

Yeah, it definitely my mom. She listens. She definitely listens. She's genuinely curious. You know, when I was at the height of it, she would genuinely ask, you know, How do you— what's your thought process? You know, shoot, am I tripping? Are you tripping? You know, what is your thought process so I can understand why XYZ is so hard for you? You know, so yeah, definitely my mom listening and understanding and just taking the time to understand. I mean, there's a point in time, you know, I was— I'm broke, like, you know, Papo S bars in my head, and I, I promise you, you know It's just crazy. But she showed interest, you know. Y'all help me out. Y'all show interest, you know. Someone genuinely wanting to help me understand how I think and where I'm coming from. So yeah, I would say my mom, y'all, Pushka Michelle, Can't Nobody Talk, God, you know. So yeah.

Nice. Tell us about something you do really well.

I sleep really well. No, no, man, what do I do really well? I, I, I, I'm a great communicator.

I think you are a great communicator.

Mm-hmm.

So, and you have an outstanding smile and laugh.

Thank you.

It gets me every time.

Thank you.

What's an aspect of your personality that you're grateful for?

My goofiness. Yeah, you know, my goofiness. Because like, my dad was in the hospital, I'm just trying to crack jokes to get him to smile. And by the end of it, because you know, he can't even move or anything like that, by the end that he's coming to, by then I got him to smile a little bit. Oh nice. You know, I believe like—

just crack a little smile.

Exactly, you know. Exactly.

So what are your career goals?

Eventually, I would like to be a technology consultant that specializes in cybersecurity. So I want to know networking in and out, which is basically how the internet works, right? Routers, switches, just a whole different thing. And with networks, right, you have the Internet of Things with VR devices, right, that connect to the networks, and the networks go throughout the whole world, understanding networks, how they work, so I can protect them. Understanding the network's connection to the devices, which is Internet of Things, and then understanding like how to protect them is the part of cybersecurity. So my goal is to eventually become a cybersecurity consultant, uh, or a technology consultant leveraging cybersecurity so that I'm able to have my own schedule and work on my own time and You know, hopefully gain some financial freedom and literally time freedom. That way I can, you know, be my own boss and maybe travel all over around the world, you know, with my wife and my kids. So, yeah.

So proud of you. Thank you.

Thank you.

So proud of you. Who do you admire and why?

Who do I admire and why? Man, I want to say God, Jesus, but beyond that, well, I guess for human-wise, it will probably be my dad. Believe it or not, he's the man in my life teach me how to be a man.

That's really good.

Yeah. So, you know, it's funny because I went to Jamaica last October and I have an uncle, he's older, you know, he's an older— he's my dad's older brother. And just talking to him and getting to know my dad and just spending time with my dad and my dad as a man you know, just thinking about his past sometimes and learning from his mistakes. You know, what I admire both about my parents is when they were my age— I turned 27 in June, June 1st, right? So they were married and about to have me, you know. And one, my dad's from Jamaica, my mom's from America, and they took a leap of faith with love, you know. And it didn't work out. Sometimes I feel like, you know, if they would have just you know, fought harder, but they were both young. You know, I'd imagine myself married and having kids and stuff. That'd be a lot for me right now, you know?

Right.

So I admire both of my parents for taking that jump in love. I genuinely hope to take the same jump and just, you know, work it through. But yeah, my dad would be that. He's the man in my life, teach me how to be a man. And I respect him because of how far he came and where he's at now, what he's about. As a man.

It's amazing. What's something you look forward to in the future?

Marriage.

Yeah, yeah, I can't wait to see who it is.

I know, she's gonna be awesome. I have to bring her around all y'all.

Well, this is a silly question. Okay. But let's see if you can come up with a different answer though. What made you laugh or smile today?

Okay. You. You. Jesus. You. Yeah.

What's one thing you wish everyone knew about mental illness?

Oh man. A couple. Jesus, that everybody has. I believe that everybody has some type of mental deficit. Nobody fits in within the confines of normal. We try to fit in. We force ourselves to fit in. If we were to flow freely, we wouldn't fit in the confines of normal. So I say, you know, everybody that, you know, has something going on, but, you know, it's okay to love yourself enough to say, hey, I really do have this problem. Whether it be small as anxiety, whether it be big as schizophrenia or autism, just to understand that it's okay to know that you're not normal and it's okay to get help for these things. It doesn't make you weak. You know, it takes a real person, a real strong person to recognize their faults and then act as such on them. So yeah, just understand, you know, everybody has some type of deficit where it's mental, physical, or something like that. And that's okay. This is an imperfect world and we're imperfect people. So, but, you know, just understanding that it's okay to be different because in one way or another, we all are.

Absolutely. Yeah. Got it. Is there anything else you would like to add in closing? And it can be anything you want.

Don't give up.

That's really good advice.

Yeah, you could take breaks, don't give up. It's worth fighting for.

It is. I agree. Well, Lloyd, I cannot thank you enough for coming and doing this and telling your story.

No, thank you for having me.

You're one of my— you're one of my faves.

Yeah, I already know. You're homie for life.

Thank goodness.

Oh yeah.

All right, thanks everybody. Bye.