How do you balance business & family life with Angela Tonkin. EP #073

Hey guys. Dan here with another episode of the how to Scale a video business podcast. Now today's guest is Angela Tonkin who is a communications consultant who focuses on human behavior and a neuro linguistic programming of the brain. She's also a qualified emotional freedom technique coach and she works one to one with children, parents and adults to assist them in gaining clarity and empowering them with resources and strategies to overcome challenges at school, home and in their daily lives. She also teaches yoga and mindfulness to schools having been a school teacher for 17 years. So you might be asking what's this got to do with running a business? Well, because there's a good chance many of you have children, it's quite possible that on occasion you get really stressed at work and so, so you may be shout at the kids. And this is really what this is all about today. It's about essentially how do you make sure your behavior doesn't impact your kids in a negative way. And really the critical aspect of like a kid's environment that even the most well meaning of parents overlook. So we're going to talk about several things.

Including how many parents unwittingly do this thing that lowers their child's self esteem and self worth. And whenever a parent does this in front of their child, more often than not a child will take it personally. So we're going to be talking about simple and powerful things parents can do that will help their kids form strong and healthy relationships outside the home. And, and just bear in mind this is all to do with the fact that a lot of my listeners, I know you guys work in small teams and often take work home with you. So we want to do is also focus on the mirror effects and, and, and some other things that I think will be really beneficial to you. And especially something called the drama triangle methodology for helping a child become more self aware. And so I think you're really going to get a lot out of this episode. You know, Ange comes from the inside of working with children in schools and is now really passionate about helping kids be happier and more focused learners. So I think this would be a really interesting episode for you to really consider how you are.

Behaving perhaps at home. And look, no one really is doing anything other than wanting to love their kids. But I think you'll find this a really fascinating example of an unusual episode that I just thought I really wanted to tackle. So guys, enjoy the show. This episode is sponsored by the video business accelerator Mastermind. This is a business coaching and mentoring program exclusively for video production companies rather than me tell you about it. Let's hear from some of our members.

As far as video business is concerned, it was a no brainer for us. It's the right pain points that we went. These are the things that we need to work on and these are the solutions that are offered by Den and the Video Business Accelerators.

The reason I joined the accelerator was I really wanted someone who could help guide and mentor us through that next level. So we're going through quite a period of change at the moment. Our industry is changing massively and I really wanted that support and mentoring and that's exactly what Dan provides.

The Video Business Accelerator event has been great so far. Dan always provides a lot of value.

He was really good at communicating with filmmakers as well because he obviously has such a great passion and past working in it. So it was really good to hear somebody talk about business theory and marketing strategies and things. But from a perspective of being a.

Video production company, Quarter three of this calendar year was the biggest year, biggest quarter we've had and now wrapping up on quarter four, towards the end of the calendar year, it's been bigger again. So yeah, it's obviously working. I'd say the biggest advantage of being part of the Video Business Accelerator Group is the group itself. Yes, you've got Den the expert to turn to for advice, but more often than not, when you ask a question of the group, you get a variety of different answers. Everyone's kind of come across the same problems, but everyone has a different approach to solving them. We're all there to help each other. I think that's a big bonus of being part of the group.

So if these case studies sound like they resonate with you and you're ready to take your business to the next level, then head over to Denleny.com and click on work with them. There are also a heap of other great resources available on the site now. Enjoy this episode.

So, Ange, I'm so glad I've managed to twist your arm to come onto the show because you're actually just here visiting Sam, my wife, for a weekend before doing one of your workshops and I twisted your arm.

You did.

So I appreciate you, the first guest I've actually had in the studio face to face, which is pretty exciting.

It's pretty fancy studio as well.

Oh, thanks. So tell us why, why, what is the workshop you're running up here in Queensland? Oh, let me, let me preface this for the guys listening.

It's. Well actually you, you tell them what workshop you're Doing up here now it all makes sense.

Yeah. So I travel all around Australia running workshops that are called I Am and their empowerment workshops. Children aged anywhere sort of between 8 and 14. And the workshops run over two days and they're based on four concepts and the concepts are presence, connection, identity and mindset. And so throughout the two days, the children have really fun activities and games to play where they get to experience the concept and then we unpack it and discover how that can be applied to their life so that they become more empowered.

What I love about this is that a lot of my members and a lot of people listening to this are running small businesses, video production companies and, and you know, you're an entrepreneur as well yourself, you know, you know, being in that small business space, you know, oftentimes we can be working 60, 70, 80 hours a week. There can be a lot of stress.

A lot of the reasons that my members and people listening to the show do what they do is because they want to create a safe environment for their family. They want to have a nice house, save for the kids, education, go on nice holidays and provide, I suppose, in quite an external way for their kids. But that can oftentimes mean that they're tired, they get home late, and at weekends they're stressed and worried about other things. And we were chatting earlier off Mike about the, some of the, I guess, the damage that can do to kids. Can you kind of unpack that a little bit? Explain kind of some experience you've had with kids and how that, how that plays out?

Yeah, so my background is in the education system and working a lot with teachers and also with children. And it's, it's a really similar theme with educators and with parents, because when we're with children, we're in the same environment as them and we share the same space and we share the same energy. And so, I mean, I know myself that if I'm sitting in a staff room and a staff member walks in and they're really stressed and overwhelmed or maybe they're, you know, they've just had a bit of a run in with someone and they're a bit cranky or angry, I can feel that energy coming off them and it can start to impact my state. And so when we think about kids and our family homes, it's very similar. So when parents are coming home and they're stressed or they're overwhelmed, then the children start to take on that energy. I work with a lot of kids that have anxiety and often when I'll be working with that child, I'll meet their parent and the parent will also have anxiety. So a lot of the emotional responses are transferred through to the children. So that's just one, I guess, one area.

The other thing that can impact kids when they're really, really, I guess when the parents are stressed is that parents may say things without thinking and they might do things or where children will take that personally. It might be as simple as not now I don't have time. And a child then may interpret that as my mom doesn't have time for me or my dad doesn't have time for me. And then that belief will go deep into their subconscious mind and it'll become one of the lenses in which they view the world. And so then their relationships with other people moving forward will be based on the way in which they've perceived their relationships with their parents. So I think, I think that's one of the major takeaways is that our relationships with our parents do form.

I guess, all of our ideas and our beliefs and our values for our relationships moving forward.

Something else you were mentioning earlier today was this idea of like just how important the first seven or eight years of a child's life are in terms of forming their personality.

What is the, what is the kids you work with? What are some of the things that you see where you think that that could have been triggered by a parent who loves their kids and means well and is working hard to kind of provide this kind of future.

But perhaps inadvertently are creating problems by being. Not by not being present?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I see it all the time. And I know from the bottom of their hearts all parents want the best for their children. Like, you know. Absolutely. And one of the things that I do notice, often with parents that are working and are quite busy all of the time, it will be this constant state of rushing or trying to get out the door. And I will see sometimes even when I was teaching parents, sort of rushing kids out the door and carrying their school bag for them, which sort of starts to imprint the belief of, you know, I can't, I can't do anything for myself or so. So the child then often will not believe in themselves or they'll have self doubt because a parent may not have time to sit down and unpack and explain how to do something effectively and instead they'll just do it it for them. So that can create a really big impact. And I see that quite often with kids.

Wow. So how did you get into all of this stuff? Because you do a number of different things. And we probably don't have time to go into all the projects you're involved in. But how did you migrate from being a teacher to teaching kids yoga and running these kind of development classes for kids?

Yeah, so in the classroom, I was seeing children as young as five having panic attacks and quite severe anxiety. A lot of children with the inability to be able to focus and concentrate, not able to express their emotions or regulate their emotions. And these are all things that can be directly impacted from the home environment. And so if the home environment is one that is quite calm, or an environment where parents are actually modeling how to express your emotions and how to communicate effectively.

If parents are modeling the tools on how to manage your energy and how to focus, be it meditation or breathing exercises and even just simple presence activities, or sitting around the dinner table together without the TV on and all having a meal together and sharing a meal and having quality time. I know some of the parents that I work with will do gratitude nights. You know, they'll finish their dinner and everyone shares what they're grateful for in their day or they might share acts of kindness. So what was something that you did that was kind today? So all of those sorts of sitting down and communication times with your kids are really, really important because we need to be taught as kids. If we're not taught about all of these fundamentals, then as we grow up, our relationships, which are everything, they're at the core of everything we do, our relationships, then they're not so strong or stable. So.

And I guess if, if, if, you know, because, because no parent actively wants to up their child's life. Right. It's like parents. I, I'm a parent, you know, step parent. You do the best you can with the tools you have at the time. And I think every parent gives themselves a hard time about. Could have done things better. But what are, you know, what are some of the. There's another, I guess there's another thing like, which is like when kids trigger us what's actually going on there. So if you've got an older child, for example, who, who does something or behaves in a certain way and it really triggers a parent what's going on there.

Yeah, it's a really interesting concept, this one. And I think, yeah, I, I can't speak from being a parent, obviously, as, as I'm not yet one, but I certainly have worked with a lot of children through teaching and been triggered quite a lot. And I think it's a really good opportunity for us to look at that. Behavior, and every behavior that we see in another person that triggers an emotional response or a reaction, then we kind of call it like our shadow. It's an opportunity for us to go inwards and see where it is that we may be doing that exact behavior somewhere in our life. It may not be very obvious to start with. It's our shadow. We can't always see it. So it might take a bit of inward journeying and reflection. But, yeah, our teachers out. Sorry. Our children are our biggest teachers. They are a really good opportunity for us to grow and become better as people and as parents, as teachers, as role models. But then also it can be used probably quite effectively in your business as well, because you would be learning about yourself through that relationship and with your kids or really your relationship with anyone, and then being able to take that aspect of yourself that might not yet have been owned by you and seeing how you can change and adapt your behaviors.

It's the mirror effect, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Whenever something triggers us, you kind of got to stop and look in the mirror. Because it's actually reflection.

Yeah, absolutely. I see it all the time. I see it in the kids that. Especially when I was in the classroom, the kids that couldn't sit still and they're jumping around and they're really fidgety and look, I can be exactly that. And so instead, it's sort of an opportunity, I guess, also to have. Have. Have empathy and. And look at the exact behavior. Because every behavior is, I guess, it's seeking something. It's either an expression of something, or it's seeking a need that they want met. And so it's really a good opportunity for us to sit back and sort of reflect upon what is. What is it that their need is right now? What are they wanting? What are they needing? What aren't they actually expressing?

So tell me more about your workshop. So. So the kids that come to you. Why. Why do parents want their kids to come to this workshop?

They come for many different reasons. Some of the parents might be quite conscious and aware of the concepts and the things in which I'm teaching, and they want that backed up by someone else. So often parents might be, you know, sharing something with their children, and it's good for the children to hear it from an outsider as well. It's not just their parents trying to drill them. So that's. That's one of the reasons. And then I do get a lot of children with many different difficulties, so they might be having challenges with friendship. A lot of children who Worry a lot, excessive worry. And.

Some, some of the boys that come along. And it's not just boys, but it tends to be the theme of what I'm noticing with a lot of anger and yeah, so anger is really where they have not been able to express their boundaries being crossed and not being able to express themselves. And when we remove that anger, deep down there's usually a lot of sadness. So it's really helping all children to connect to their emotions and be able to understand their own emotions and express them. I think that's one of the things.

And friendships. We talk a little bit about a philosophy called the drama triangle. And we see this a lot in workplaces as adults as well, where we have the victim and we have the rescuer and we have the persecutor or the bully and how all humans can go between all of the different roles or identities. And so I teach the children about this and they're quite quick to be able to identify whether they're more of a rescuer and they want to fix other people or help other people as opposed to going within themselves and looking at their own sort of challenges. And then where are they being a victim? Where are they whinging and whining and not being able to see the lessons in certain life situations or being able to find the tools to solve the problems? And then we look at the bully as well, the aggressor, who tends to want to control other people because they can't manage what's happening within them. So we unpack that philosophy, which is really interesting and it's quite powerful, especially if I have siblings in the course, because six siblings can see where each of them is sort of acting out the triangle at home. So yeah, it's very interesting.

I love that. So interesting because, you know, oftentimes when entrepreneurs are running businesses, they often refer to their team as like managing an adult daycare center.

Yeah.

And I guess it's because, you know, fundamentally, you know, little Den and little Ange are hiding inside there somewhere and. And when things trigger, little Ange comes out to play, little Dan comes out to play and it's like, oh yeah, this hasn't been resolved.

Absolutely. It's all our inner child stuff, all our reactions and our over emotional responses and all of those sorts of things. It's all our inner child stuff, which goes back to what we were sort of saying about the belief systems between the ages of 0 to 7, when children really are like sponges. And so everything that's happening around them, they see everything as truth. So everything that's said about them, whether it's from a teacher, a parent or a sibling. I think my sister told me as I was younger, when I was really young, that I was an awful singer.

And that stayed with me right up until probably about two years ago until I unpacked the belief and realized that it wasn't truth and got some singing lessons and started expressing myself again. So, yeah, it's really, it's scary, but it's also empowering to know the impact that we can have as adults and role models and parents on our children. And as you know, as you said, everyone does their best, but it's also good to be quite conscious and aware and to know that these types of things do have an impact.

And so while this workshop you're running up here in the Sunshine coast is specifically for kids, you don't just work with kids. Do you actually have like grown up kids as well?

Yeah. So throughout the time I've been working with children, I've also been on my own journey, my own personal journey of healing my inner child. And I couldn't work out why I had so many adults coming to me for coaching and healing sessions when I felt that my purpose was to work with kids. Until I really unpacked it and stood back and looked at it and I was realizing that I'm working with the inner child within everyone. So I think when we can go back and we can heal our inner child, particularly all the beliefs of I'm not enough or nobody sees me, nobody hears me, all of those sorts of beliefs, we can really start to step forward into our own power in our life, in our business, in our families and you can see a great impact.

So it's never too late to start, is it?

Absolutely not. And I think it's an ongoing journey. It's not something, you know, once you discover this and, and that there is opportunity for you to create massive change in your life, it kind of, maybe it can become a little addictive.

I'd say there's two ways to describe it. One is slightly addictive, the other one is, is like, beware folks, right? You can't just have a little peek under the lid of this stuff. If you, if you're going to go into your inner self and start exploring that, which I highly recommend, everybody does, it is a bit of a Pandora's box and it's a bit of a.

You know, it like you can't, you can't close once you go in opening. It's a one way Street. It's a one way street.

Yeah, totally.

And it's not always, it's not always fun.

But I think in the discomfort you get breakthroughs.

Yeah, you totally get breakthroughs. And you develop a lot of strength and a lot of resilience and you learn not to take life so personally. I think once you can really that, yeah, it's massive. Especially you look in business, in family, in friendships. I think when you can start to look at yourself and I basically call it owning your own, it's kind of a good description.

I mean you give it a fancier name, but really it is about your own.

Yeah. And when you can look at that and go, okay, great, I have this behavior. It is not me because we're not our behaviors. And so I have this behavior and, and this behavior is because I'm trying to get this need met. You know, I'm trying to get some connection or I'm trying to receive love or whatever it is, I want certainty, whatever, whatever the core human need is that you're wanting to be met and then going, okay, well how else could I have that need met? What could I do differently so that my behaviors not so shadowy and not so negative?

I think also, you know, as, as creatives, as filmmakers and videographers and video producers, you know, one of our big skills is empathy and emotion and being able to tell a story and really hook into that person and extract the story, which is amazing. But I think sometimes we can carry those emotions and those responses over to building business where it's a bit more right brain versus left brain. I was getting mixed up. But you know, there's logic and then there's creativity. Is that something you've seen with clients as well, where we might have an emotional response to something that actually there is. There's no emotional tension in this scenario whatsoever. It's all being created by ourselves.

Yeah, absolutely. It's like almost like a over dramatizing. But I think also what often happens if there's a problem or a situation or a scenario and you have an emotional response, you've got some energy around that and your nervous system is actually reacting from a trigger which is usually brought on by the senses. So it might be something that someone said, something you've heard. You know, it's the whole the door slammed or something like that. And it's creating a nervous system response. And it's also activating whatever belief has been stored in your subconscious mind. It's bringing that to the forefront. And then it's also activating all that emotional energy that was stored from the original time that you had that experience. So, you know, for example, let's say there was a time when you were younger that you didn't feel that you were enough. And you're in your workplace and something has triggered that, that thought of I'm not enough. You know, someone has.

Declined a job or something like that, or a script you've written or something like that. And, and then all of a sudden it's I'm not enough. And it will bring up that same emotional response that was stored from when you were younger. So what I do with my adult clients is, is we do a little bit of timeline and, and we do a little bit of energy work where we go back through and we meet that younger version of yourself and we release all of that emotion. And a lot of the clients I work with then realize that they don't have those responses anymore and they're therefore creating their reality how they want it from now. So I think often until we let go of the past, we keep repeating the past and we keep recreating the past. And so it's about clearing our past energetically as well as through our mind and our thoughts to be able to create a new reality in our lives.

I love that so much because I know, I mean, I'm. I'm 49 next month and young. I know, right. And, and what's interesting is when I started on this journey myself three or four years ago, like little Dan from six years old still can appear in 40 plus year old den instantly. And I think the thing that, that blew my mind was like you can be hanging on to, from 50 years ago and never having dealt with it and it will feel exactly the same as the very first moment. I think that's kind of what you're working on with these kids now is you're actually.

Yeah.

You're trying to undo any kind of, you know, damage that, that has been, you know, created by parents unwittingly.

Yeah.

And I guess to kind of come, come full circle with this. Can you undo it? Like it's because we're doing a lot of work on ourselves now at our age. Well, you're not my age, but you know, I mean, you know, growing up, grown up adults, always kind of working on our stuff. But I guess is what you're doing with these workshops actually undoing that damage at a much earlier stage?

Yeah, it's, it's undoing it, but it's also actually creating the awareness for them to not take it on in the first place. So it's really teaching them that someone else's beliefs, even society beliefs are not their beliefs. So what is true for them?

Because you know it's happening every day and it's not just by parents, it's, it's all around us. You know, their friends could say something to them. Siblings, yeah, anyone really. And it's whether or not they're aware that that's that person's projection, it's their thoughts, it doesn't need to be their own. So it's really about teaching them all the tools I wish I had when I was younger and, and giving them that awareness from a very young age because I think prevention is far better than having to get to sort of your age, my age and go back and do all of the healing work.

So, so it's so true. And, and you also do kids yoga, don't you?

Yeah, yeah. So there's a bit of yoga involved in the workshop. It's just a small part because with the workshop we have to do a lot of activities and movement and games as well. But the kids yoga I've been teaching for about four years and I really got that through the education system, the yoga and the mindfulness. I think I trained about 800 adults on how to teach kids yoga mindfulness in, in, in schools.

It must be such a rewarding thing to do based on the fact that as an adult you're clearing your own. As an adult I'm clearing my own. But to work with kids, what, what are some of the kind of breakthrough moments that make you just like sort of sing inside?

Yeah, probably. I think when I do a lot of the onetoone sessions with kids and when they let go of a thought or a limiting belief or I've worked with some younger girls that have had challenges on the way in which they look and already sort of getting into that self judgment and non acceptance and putting themselves down. And so when I finish a session and you can see that they feel differently about themselves or that something's shifted and, and then they come back the next week and they'll tell you all of the things that they've been doing to love themselves and you see that shift, it just warms your heart because you know that these are tools that they're going to take through for the rest of their life. So I think when you see big, big shifts in kids in their limiting beliefs or letting go of emotions and things like that, you just know that that's not going to continue on in Their journey. So it's pretty special.

I wonder how much of what you share with the kids they then take home and tell their parents. I wonder if it starts like, you know, that one. I mean, talk to me about that.

Yeah, it's really big.

The parents will always come to me after a workshop or even if I've been working with their kids weekly in sessions or through yoga. And they will say to me, sort of, I learned this, or, you know, my child came home and taught me this and. Or I've had one of, one of the parents said to me that she had her daughter come home and say, mom, you're looking a little bit stressed. Let's sit down and do some breathing together.

Sort of. Yeah, the kids do. They like to go home and teach and then all of a sudden, you know, they're playing games in the house again and there's that fun element that's been brought back into the family home. It's not so serious and stressful when the kids come home and want to share. The games and activities have been learning.

An entrepreneurial friend of mine who lives here in the Sunshine coast.

He finished up with one business and he had kind of time out and he said, I was just sort of searching for like, you know, something.

And he said to his like 3 year old, you know, why, why do you, why are you happy all the time? And he said, she said, because, daddy, I just play.

Yeah, there's so much truth in it. I say that to parents all the time or to adults all the time if they're sort of feeling a bit stuck or not sure in which direction to go in their life. I said, just go and play. Yeah, go and reconnect with your inner child. Go and play. What are you passionate about? Do that. What made you happy when you were younger? You know, a lot of my clients will start painting or they'll start, they'll take up dancing or, you know, they'll go and play an instrument or, you know, anything that they enjoyed doing when they were a kid. And I encourage them to go and do that and reconnect with their inner child. Because when we create from that space, we create from a place of joy and love and abundance and yeah, it's pretty special.

It's so cool. So, I mean, obviously this is a podcast about how to scale a video business. And I think this is a really important topic because ultimately we're creating video businesses as businesses to provide for ourselves and our family. And even we don't have families. The play part is really Important.

What thoughts can you share with families who are perhaps in that period where they're grafting, they're really busting a gut and they're trying so hard to make everything work because they want to have this, you know, I guess here in Australia, like anywhere, everybody wants a nice house, they want a nice lifestyle, they want to be able to, you know, drive a nice car, perhaps, or go on nice holidays. All that kind of modern world trappings is probably the wrong word. But, you know, we all, we all want nice things because, you know, it makes us feel good. But how do you, how do you kind of balance that with, you know, the behaviors that might end up kind of yielding themselves as a result of that desire to want that success?

Yeah, I think creating really strong boundaries around your work hours is really important because the more present you are in your work, the more successful you're going to be, so the more focused you're going to be. And that goes with being in the home and in your own personal life as well. So if you're taking that time out to fill your cup and to play and have fun and get inspired, like, be inspired by your daily life and the things that you do and the hobbies that, that you have, and then you're going to come back into your work with a really full cup. So you're going to be way more effective. And I think that that's really, really important. And then the other thing I would say is like taking that time to dream big and taking that time to imagine and, you know, that's what kids do. Kids love doing that. So spending time with your kids and really getting into that dreaming space and, and creating from that space. Come back to your why. I think that's really, really important. So why are you doing what you're doing and what do you get out of it? So what's the purpose? Why are you doing it and who are you doing it for? And I think that once we have our why.

We sort of can be a little bit more driven and passionate about what we're doing and then putting boundaries around that. So I'm going to do that between these hours between 9 and 5 or whatever your hours are and whatever days of the week and not letting that trickle over into your family life, I think that's really, really important.

You'll be able to have more energy in your work if you're spending more time with your family and doing things that fill you up.

Such a great finishing point, I think. I don't think you could say any better. If people want to find out more about your work and what you do, what's the best way for them to connect with you?

Yeah, absolutely. Jump onto my website, which is www.theheartofliving.com.

So you can reach me there via email on my website. Awesome.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Thank you for having me.

See you. It wasn't so bad, was it?

Not at all.

You've been listening to the how to Scale a Video Business podcast with me, your host, Dan Lenny. If you're a video business owner who's hit a ceiling and we benefit from mentorship, support and coaching, then check out how you can work with me over@denleny.com don't forget to subscribe and rate the show over on itunes. And we'd really appreciate you taking a few minutes to leave a review of you. And don't forget to share. If you feel you've gotten value from this episode and you think it would be useful for other filmmakers you know, then please do me a massive favor and share it on social media and in groups that you might be in. We'll see you next week.