10 Characteristics of Codependency | Live Chat with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Foreign. Everybody, and welcome to today's live discussion. Today we are going to be talking about characteristics of codependent people and of course, strategies to cope. There's no sense talking about a problem unless we're also going to talk about solutions. So let's go ahead and get started. As always, please remember I would love to interact with you, answer your questions. So if you have questions, please put them in the comment section or chat however it looks to you right now, and I will respond to those as quickly as possible. And also, please remember to subscribe and click the bell so you're notified. Most mornings when I go live, I go live on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday for everyone. And then I go live on Wednesday for for members only. So it's a smaller group at that point in time. So anyway, let's go ahead and get started. Codependency is an issue that affects many, many people, but a lot of people don't know what it is. And codependency, like most other things when we're dealing with human beings, is on a continuum. There is the left side of the continuum, if you want to think of it that way, in which we care for other people and it's very health. And then there's the right side of the continuum where we've taken some of these behaviors to extremes. It's important to remember that all behavior is communication and all behavior has a function. We learned it from somewhere. So looking at the symptoms of codependency or depression or anything else, it's important to evaluate and ask yourself, what is this behavior communicating? What is it trying to help me with? With that being said, let's go on and take a Look at these 10 characteristics of codependent people. Now you can go online and find lots of other different characteristics and permutations. You know, I could I and I have in other videos that are longer spend an hour or more discussing it. But we're really just going to hit the highlights today and kind of give you some ideas so you can answer for yourself. Number one, might I have codependent characteristics? And number two, what can I do about it? The first characteristic, an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others, often offering advice when unwanted. If you grew up in a household that was enmeshed in which your caregivers were very overprotective, they were in your business all the time, they were telling you what to do, offering advice when it was unwanted, and they got very offended and there were consequences if you didn't do exactly what they said. All of the time you may have learned this behavior that you're supposed to be responsible. On the other hand, if you grew up in a household in which the caregivers were either emotionally or physically absent or both, you might have developed this need to be responsible for yourself. Those boundaries may have switched, those roles may have switched when where you became in your household, you became sort of the caregiver figure and your caregivers were not responsible. So there are a lot of different reasons you may have learned this behavior. And it's important to figure out, you know, why do I feel responsible for others? Where did I learn that this was necessary? What is going to happen if I am responsible for myself but let other people be responsible for themselves? What does it mean if I offer advice and people don't want it? Is that a rejection of me or a rejection of my advice? You know, sometimes people want to figure things out for themselves. So those are questions you want to ask yourself. Figure out where it came from and you know, what would happen if you didn't do this behavior. Number two, an extreme need for approval and recognition. Often doing more than their share. A lot of times, not all the time. A lot of times people who are codependent have very low self esteem and they derive their sense of self worth by being recognized and approved of and praised by others because they don't approve of or praise themselves. This need for approval and recognition is also a way of becoming indispensable. Because people with codependency issues often have extreme fears of abandonment, often because of the way they grew up, the environment in which they grew up. They may fear this abandonment issue. Now, codependency can develop later in life. You know, these same criteria, these same issues can come up later in life, but a lot of times it starts earlier. And when you grow up in an environment in which you are afraid of abandonment, you feel, you often feel like you need to make yourself indispensable so you won't be rejected, so you won't be abandoned. Back to what do you do about it? Ask yourself, do I approve of myself? And if not, then self esteem work is certainly something that is probably needed. Number two, why do I need recognition from this person at this time? You know, it can be you want recognition from your boss because you want a promotion. That's totally different than needing approval and recognition from most people in your life most of the time. And if you don't get it, feeling like you've been rejected and feeling devastated, stated, so do some self esteem work, start being Able to validate yourself, approve of yourself, recognize your own accomplishments, not relying on others to do it for you. A lot of times in today's fast paced world, you know, we're in relationships with other people and they love us and they approve of us, but they don't think to tell us. They are busy with their own stuff. Now I'll kind of diverge here. If you've read the book on, on love languages, the five love languages, you know, one of those love languages is affirmations. And it's important to recognize if you are one of those people who needs affirmations from others to communicate that to them. They can't read your mind. If they are not the type that needs affirmations, they may not give you affirmations as much as you want. So this is especially true in your personal relationships. You know, I think about when my daughter was little, she is a big one on giving affirmations. Especially when she was little, she was always big on words of encouragement and affirmations. And that is one of her love languages. So I try to remember that. And when I'm interacting with her, I try to make sure that I am communicating approval and recognition of things that she does. I don't approve of everything she does by, by any means, but I do approve of a lot of things she does. Number three, taking everything personally. If you are in a bad mood, it must be my fault. If something went wrong around the house, it must be my fault. If you know, it rains outside, it must be my fault. That is a characteristic of codependent people. What is the function of that behavior? Well, if it's my fault, then theoretically I can fix it. And if I can fix it, I'm in control. And if I'm in control, then I might be indispensable. So needing feeling like you need to take everything personally can be a a way of trying to keep control of everything. Another reason some people take everything personally is because they are hyper vigilant all the time. They're expecting rejection, they're expecting people to be angry at them. And they are so worried about abandonment and rejection that they're constantly scanning. And if you give them a negative micro expression, they take it personally. And they're like, oh my gosh, I must have made that person mad. So again, asking yourself, whatever this is that's going on right now that I'm taking personally, is it really about me? I have my kids look for three other ex and I look for three other explanations for why something might be happening. If Somebody is rude to you in the grocery store, or your boss is grumpy with you one day, or you're. Your kid is withdrawn one day, is that them being angry or rejecting of you? Or could something entirely unrelated to you have them in a mood and you just happen to be kind of around them when they're in a mood? And part of recovery from codependency involves starting to set physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Just because my daughter's in a bad mood one day doesn't mean that I have to take it personally. Nor does it mean that I have to join her down there in that bad mood. Now I'm not going to be all up in her face and going, oh, this is the greatest day in the whole wide world. You know, I am going to respect her desire or not desire, but I'm going to respect her feelings. She is unhappy for some reason. And you know, of course I'm going to talk to her about it, but it is not my job nor my place to take her feelings away. If she's feeling depressed, if she's feeling angry or anxious, she's got something to work through and I can be there as a support. But it's important that I don't assume that it's about me right away and I allow her to have her feelings. I start setting boundaries emotionally with other people and recognizing that they may be in a bad mood because they've got something going on and it's more about their stuff than me. Number four, a tendency to confuse love and pity. Loving people that they can feel pity for and feeling responsible for fixing other people's problems. A lot of people who have codependency issues get into relationships with others who need to be fixed in some way. And by doing that, they make themselves indispensable. If they get in a relationship with someone who needs them, then they are creating this sort of symbiotic, maybe parasitic relationship. But it is one that is less likely to result in abandonment or at least so to the codependent things examining why is it that I get into these relationships? Am I trying to redo, Am I trying to fix something? Maybe the person grew up in a household where one or more caregivers were addicts and or had addictions. I'm sorry, person first language. Where one or more people in the, in the household had addictions. And now in their adult life they have lived through that and they think they know how to fix it or what people with addictions need. And they seem to gravitate towards relationships with people with addictions, it's important to look at, you know, are you trying to fix something from the past by replaying it in the future? Are you trying to create a relationship in which you won't be abandoned? Why is it, what's the draw to being involved in a relationship in which someone needs, needs fix, needs to be fixed, so to speak? They've got so many problems that they are dependent on you. One of the analogies I use in, in my relationship skills classes is cookies. Now, I'm sorry, if you love cookies and if you haven't eaten breakfast yet, you may be hungry when you make a sugar cookie. Sugar cookies are good, you know, and they are very basic cookie that form the foundation for every other cookie out there. But sugar cookies are good on their own. Chocolate is good on its own. Both of them are very respectable standalone desserts. You can put them together and they bring out the best in each other. They don't need each other. But when you put them together, oh my gosh, you've got something going there. So thinking about relationships in terms of sugar cookies, are you getting into relationships with people who bring out the best in you, or are you getting into relationships with people who, you know, need you, who are more like the egg to the sugar cookie than the chocolate chips? An unhealthy dependence on relationships to avoid the feeling of abandonment. A lot of people who are in codependent relationships or who are codependent don't have a relationship with themself. And they rely on other people to tell them they are okay. And they rely on other people to provide that validation. And they will go to, you know, great lengths to avoid being single. They will go to great lengths to avoid being not in a relationship. Because when they're not in a relationship, they don't know who they are. They don't have a sense of self. It's important if this characteristic describes you, to recognize that you're. You're using relationships in order to fill a void that you need to figure out who you are. And the most. Well, one of the most important relationships to develop is the one with yourself. So you can be your own best friend. You can be there for yourself. I'm not saying that that is great. 24, 7, 365. We all need to be, have friends and be around other people. But the need to be in a relationship, where is that coming from? And is it because you're afraid you're unlovable? Unless somebody else is telling you that you're lovable, looking at that Number six, a sense of guilt when asserting themselves. So instead of being assertive, they use manipulation, shame or guilt to control others behavior. Examine your communication styles if you grew up in an environment or you've been in an environment where you were discouraged from asserting your own opinions. And this goes back to that boundaries issue again. In families and relationships where there are no boundaries, people are discouraged from asserting their thoughts, wants and needs. They defer to the more powerful person in the relationship. So as assertiveness becomes sort of a mystery, it's important to recognize the and validate your own feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. The first part of that means figuring out what those things are. So you've got to work on being mindful, checking in with yourself and saying, what's my opinion? What are my feelings? What do I need right now? And then thinking to yourself, would I be angry at somebody else if they asserted their own opinion? And if so, you might want to look at why that makes you angry. But if not, then you want to ask yourself, so why do I feel guilty when I tell people my genuine thoughts, wants and needs using manipulation, shame or guilt? Those are all passive aggressive methods of trying to control other people's behaviors. So instead of being assertive, you're being passive aggressive. That may be a learned behavior, but it's one that can be unlearned. So working on practicing assertiveness, Start easy. You know, being assertive with a safe person is a great place to start. Whether it's your best friend or maybe somebody in a codependency anonymous support group starting to learn how to state what you need without feeling guilty. Number seven, a compelling need to control others. Expecting them to do what you say. Well, that's part of codependency because remember, you got into this relationship usually to try to fix other people and you think you know what's best for them. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you want to look at it, Human beings are independent. They have independent thought. So you may think you know what's best for somebody, but it's important to help them figure out what's best best for themselves. We cannot make other people do anything, at least not for long lasting behavior change. Likely. Most of the time people are going to do whatever they choose to do. And yes, you can argue you can reinforce and punish behavior and all that kind of stuff, but you know, ultimately in a healthy relationship, it's important to not control other people's behavior, to assert your thoughts, wants and needs, to hear their thoughts, wants and needs and arrive at a Compromise. Controlling others is a method of keeping them subservient, a method of keeping control over them so they won't abandon you. A lot of times examining the reason, what is the first function of this behavior for you if you need to control others? Now obviously it's different if you are trying to control your two year old, but when you're trying to control an equal partner, you know what's going on with that. A lack of trust in self and or others. Well, if you get into relationships with people who have issues, who have problems, who need to be fixed, then a lot of times they are probably not the most consistent, reliable people, which means they may not be wholly trustworthy at that point in time. So if you're getting in relationships with people who aren't trustworthy, who have stuff that they are not able to manage, then of course you're going to potentially start observing or feeling like nobody is trustworthy instead of recognizing maybe it's just the people that you're getting into relationships with. Lack of trust in self comes back to number one, not knowing what you need, but not being aware of the larger environment. Fear of being abandoned or alone. Where does that come from? You know, and, and we've talked about that multiple times. That's one of those core issues underlying codependency. And some people who are codependent have difficulty being by themselves, being still because when they're still, they hear those negative internal voices and it is terrifying to them. Those voices that say you're not good enough, you'll always be alone. So people who are codependent often need to be around people just to avoid their own internal criticism. Examine the facts, examine the past. Look at your relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships, you know, how many times have those resulted in abandonment? And the ones that did result in abandonment, why? Was it something you did? Was it something they did? Was it, you know, what are the, what was the situation? You know, learn from those. Sometimes we push people away, you know, it happens. And learning from that so you don't do it again is important. Sometimes people just can't take it and they run away or they leave. That happens too, may have more to do with that person and that person's stuff than yours. And it's important again to not take every person's reaction or every relationship ending personally and recognize that it takes at least two to tango. So looking at prior abandonments, but also looking at other relationships that haven't resulted in abandonment, looking at friendships, looking at, you know, family members maybe who haven't abandoned you. Most people can think of at least one or two relationships in their past that haven't ended badly. Not everybody. And again, it's important to look at each relationship independently to figure out what went wrong here, what happened and then problems with intimacy and boundaries. People who are codependent generally have no boundaries. They project everything onto other people. Kind of right away it's like, okay, I just met you, but you know, you're pitiful, so I love you. So let me tell you everything about me. And hey, we've known each other for three days, so let's move in. That's not the case with all codependent people. But a lot of times people who are codependent get very attached to others very, very quickly and that and become far too intimate emotionally and sometimes physically far too quickly, which goes back to that lack of trust in self or others. When, when you do this, that can be very scary to other people and they may, you know, hit the bricks. So examining boundaries and learning reciprocal self disclosure, which basically means you tell something, they tell something and you can judge how intimate a relationship is emotionally, how much you want to give and take on a, on a discussion by discussion basis, gradually you'll start sharing more about what's going on. So it's important to, for people with codependent issue, sorry, codependency issues to really work on relationship skills, communication skills, boundaries and self esteem, as well as just regularly asking themselves, you know, if I'm upset about this, if I'm feeling anxious, if I'm feeling angry, that indicates that there's, I'm perceiving a threat somewhere? Where is this coming from? Is there a threat right now to my health, safety and well being? And you know, if not, you know, hopefully not, then where is this perception of threat coming from? Is it stuff that I need to work through that I've already experienced, but you know, just kind of stuffed back in the recesses of my mind or, you know, what's going on. Okay, like I said, that is a really, really quick high level overview of some of the characteristics of codependency, some of the potential causes of it and something, some steps that you can start taking to address it. Are there other questions about codependency or relationship skills, anything like that? Hello, Asiatic and Kim Whitefeather. As far as codependency programs, the first place I would look is codependence. Anonymous is in many, many places. That's a good place to look for issues of codependency. You also might Check with some of your local. If you're looking for face to face in person things, you might check with some of your local addiction treatment centers. Because addiction and codependency often go hand in hand. So a lot of times addiction treatment programs will also have some programming for people who have codependency issues. And if not, it's a big issue a lot of places. So it might be ripe if you are a clinician, I don't know if you are, but if you are a clinician, it might be a ripe area to start a support group or a psycho educational group. It's important to remember that guilt is anger at ourselves. So if we feel guilty for doing something, we're angry at ourself for doing something. Why am I angry at myself for being assertive? Why am I angry at myself for this? When maybe I'm being assertive and the other people aren't listening, and then I need to look at, why is that? Why are these other people that I'm trying to be assertive with, why are they not hearing me? Am I not being assertive enough? Or are they being too aggressive and too invalidating? And if so, how do I navigate that relationship? But recognizing that if we're assertive and somebody ignores us, they. They say, you know, basically they're saying, your opinion doesn't matter, what you need doesn't matter. That is an aggressive behavior. Assertiveness says my opinions matter and your opinions matter. Aggressiveness says, my opinions matter and I don't care what you want. And passive is the other way, where it's a passive person says your opinions matter, but mine don't. When we're assertive, we're recognizing that if you're in a relationship or in a discussion with someone who is aggressive or passive, you will definitely perceive the power dynamic there. Pardon me, there. And, and it's important to look at that anger and examine whether it's anger itself or frustration for not being able to feel heard. And congratulations, Kim, on being a crsw. I'm glad. Oh, I love to hear when treatment programs have smart recovery programs. Since codependency is not one of them. That might be something that you can suggest to your department head, your program director, whatever they call it where you're at, that it could be potentially a high need, high demand area, which, you know, from a administrator's perspective translates into money. You know, let's just be frank about this. And it also translates into potential referrals. So that might be a great niche area for you. You said hang on a second. I'm sorry, New Hampshire. My family is actually from Laconia, New Hampshire, so I've been up there a couple of times. I know from some of the things that I've read that certain areas of New Hampshire at least are very pro recovery, which is so wonderful. So hopefully you would be able to encourage them to integrate a codependency program, maybe even just a psycho educational program once a week that people could attend. That's awesome. You can also work with some of the 12 step programs locally and see if they want to launch a codependence anonymous meeting either at their facility or at your facility. You know there are things that you can do. Not Everybody embraces the 12 steps so I always like to see when there are options that are psychoeducational and maybe smart recovery, cognitive, behavioral oriented as well as 12 step oriented recovery programs. That always makes my heart happy. But any kinds of services and I'd be happy to, you know, try to help you brainstorm some things. If you want to, just email me at support all ceus.com and we can kind of put our heads together about how to get some programming started. Are there other questions? Alrighty everybody. Thank you for joining me today and I will see you on Monday. Have a glorious weekend wherever you are. I hope even in New Hampshire it is still somewhat temperate temperature wise and I I will see you on Monday.