10 Tips to Feel More Secure in Relationships

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on 10 tips for feeling secure in relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. One of the first things that you can do to feel secure in your relationships is to define security. What does it mean to feel secure in your relationships? In other videos I've talked about the elements of secure relationships that include consistency, consistently being there for one another. Now that doesn't mean mean you have to be joined at the hip, but it means that if I need you, I know that when you are able, you will be there for me. So consistency is important, but being there and being responsive are two different things. So the next part in security is responsiveness. Being responsive to one another's needs, recognizing hey, you seem distressed or, or hey, you like that. So let's do that again. Responsiveness is important attention. And that is spending time with one another using one another's love languages in a way that communicates a desire to spend time together. Giving attention to one another in a non distress oriented way. Validation means respecting one another's thoughts and feelings and boundaries, even if you don't agree with that person and what they're thinking or feeling about something, recognizing that their feelings and their thoughts are theirs and being respectful of their boundaries, saying, I hear that you're angry or I hear that you're scared about this. E stands for encouragement. Encouraging one another is so important. Encouraging one another to handle distress. I know you can do this. I know this sucks right now, but I'm here with you encouraging one another to get outside of your comfort zone. Hey, it seems like you really want to pursue this dream or pursue this job or pursue this hobby. You know, that sounds great. What can I do to support you? How can I be encouraging and supportive? And then S stands for safety. And safety means each person in the relationship is able to be their true authentic selves without fear of criticism or judgment and without fear of rejection. If you do step outside of your comfort zone and you fail you, you can come back to that safe home base where the other person is consistently there, responsive to your needs, validating of your perspectives and provides meaningful attention. What those things exactly look like to you are going to be a little bit different and you need to define that. So consistency, what does it look like to you if your partner is consistent? Think back on prior relationships. When someone was consistently there for you, what did that look like? You're going to need to communicate that to your partner because consistency looks different for each individual and it's important to recognize that and Sometimes you may have to compromise. If consistency to you looks like responding to my texts within five minutes, well, that might not really work when your partner is at work or at the gym or something else or. So there may need to be some compromise where your partner says, I will respond to you. I will be there for you however you need to give me. I need a window of opportunity, I need a period, or I will respond to you as soon as I get out of work or as soon as I'm able. So it is important to define what each one of those things looks like. What does it look like for your partner to be responsive? What do you want them to do when you're upset? Or what do you want them to do when you're having a you've made a milestone, you've had an achievement, gotten an award or something? How do you want them to respond? Do you want them to say, hey, great job, pat you on the back? Do you want them to take you out to dinner? Are you the type of person who wants a big fuss over it? What is it that responsiveness looks like for you? Likewise, when you're distressed, do you want them to just empathize and sit with you for a minute, or do you want them to fix it? It's important for you to know what these things look like. The next one is to know and use each other's love languages. Intimacy is developed through communication and we learn our love languages. We learn to communicate in our early relationships. Therefore, people tend to feel more validated and loved and secure in their relationships. We when their partners communicate with them in a way that is consistent with their love language. Touch is one love language. Touch is my husband's love language. It's not mine, but I know to communicate with him, touch is important. So touch quality time. And you have to define what that looks like. What does quality time look like? Is it just sitting on the couch together, watching tv, going out to the movies, or. Or doing something like volunteering together? What does quality time really mean to you? Acts of service. This is another one that's important to define and not just assume that your partner is going to understand. Maybe that means doing the dishes. Maybe that means folding the laundry. Maybe that means painting the house. Whatever it is, what does the act of service entail? Maybe it means showing up at their work at lunchtime with a picnic lunch. You know, that could be quality time. That could be an act of service. You kind of figure it out for yourself. Words of affirmation are another love language that is really Important to a lot of people. Some people don't need regular words of affirmation and encouragement. And words of affirmation aren't always praise. They're not always saying, oh, you're awesome. You're the best thing ever. Words of affirmation can be, hey, I noticed you did that, and I appreciate you. I appreciate your effort. Those are words of affirmation. I'm affirming that I see you, I notice you, and I'm appreciative. I respect you. And finally, gifts. Gifts are a love language, but it's important to remember that they are not everybody's love language. And if you try to communicate with someone in a love language that's not theirs, it's going to miss the mark. Ask your significant other, and this can be in a romantic relationship or even in your friendships noticing, what are your significant other's love languages and how can you communicate that? Number three, don't project the past on the present. Other people may have wronged you in the past. When other people acted a certain way, it may have meant something. But don't assume that that means the same thing in this relationship, in this context, at this time. Be aware of it. Learn from the past. You may need to check it out, but don't assume. Don't project and say, well, this person is acting withdrawn. They seem to be acting disinterested. That means based on my past experiences, they're getting ready to leave. So I'm gonna take the bull by the horns and I'm gonna be the dumper, not the dumpy. That there's a lot of assumptions that. That go in there. So it's important to recognize what's going on, recognize how it's making you feel, and then communicate with your significant other. Hey, it seems like you're feeling really withdrawn right now. Is there something wrong? Are you angry about something? Is there something we need to address? Maybe they're stressed out because of work or they're just exhausted because they haven't slept well. Don't mind read. And I have in here. Assume. Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. When we mind read, when we assume we know what the other person wants, We end up getting into a lot of trouble. So communicate with one another. Don't think to yourself, they should know what I want. They should know that they need to do this. They should know I want this for Christmas. They should know. Whatever. How do they know? You need to tell them now. You shouldn't have to tell them every single time. If you said it's important for me that you pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor or you put your dishes in the dishwasher. Reminding them occasionally until it becomes a habit is one thing. However, once you've told them a couple of times, then it's important that they be respectful and learn that. But until you've told them, how are they supposed to know? How are they supposed to know? And assuming that you know what they want, that is also just as toxic. A lot of times in relationships, people act from their own preferences. I would want this to happen in this situation. Therefore my significant other must want the same thing. Yeah, no, not so much. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. But it's important to communicate with your significant other. What do you want in this situation? In what way can I help? In what is what way is the best way for me to be responsive to you? Avoid jumping to conclusions without all the facts. And this kind of goes along with projecting the past and the present and mind reading. But sometimes things will seem a little odd. Maybe there's weird text messages coming in at all hours of the night, or maybe your significant other comes home and they smell like somebody else's cologne or perfume, or smell like they've been at a bar for five hours and they said they came straight from work. Whatever the case may be, avoid jumping to conclusions without the facts. If you notice something, don't assume the worst. Ask, communicate. I'm noticing this. I'm wondering what's going on. Or it smells like you've been at a bar, you know, have you been, you know, asking people to confirm, to communicate what's going on is important in relationships. If you have a question, if there's something that is making you uneasy, holding on to that is only going to nurture that anxiety and nurture those suspicions. Don't over personalize. Sometimes your significant other may be angry because of something you did. So sometimes it is you. Which is why I say, don't over personalize. So if your significant other is angry or acting dejected or something, check in and go, is it something that I did? Think about it. And if you can't think of any reason, then try to think of three other options. Why might they be acting this way besides me? You know what might be causing them to act withdrawn? Besides, they don't love me anymore. And then I know this is going to be a shock to you. Ask. Communicate with them. I'm noticing that you seem to be more withdrawn. Is there something going on? It's important to Ask and not just stop at guessing about what's going on, but identifying three alternatives for why this could be happening. Besides, you can be an effective distress tolerance skill until you can communicate with that person and find out straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak, exactly what's going on. Develop self esteem or the ability to validate yourself. If you rely on others to tell you that you're okay, to tell you that you're lovable, to tell you that you're worthy to the exclusion of everything else, then yeah, it is going to be terrifying to be in relationships and risk rejection or abandonment or whatever. That is going to be super scary. If you are able to say, I really love being in a relationship with this person. However, I do not need them in my life to exist and it's hard. It hurts when you break up. It hurts when you lose somebody you love. However, if you're able to provide a certain amount of your own internal validation, it makes it less terrifying. Which takes us down to nurture your other significant relationships and roles. It can be extremely scary to be in relationships if the only person you spend time with is your significant other and you basically ignore or dump everybody else. Because then if that person leaves, you're out there all by yourself. If you've got good self esteem, well, that's great. It's you and your best friend yourself. But if that does happen a lot of times, because we're designed to be in relationships, we're designed to be connected, it can feel very overwhelming. So nurture those other relationships. That way if you break up, you still have friends that you can call on, friends that you can rely on that can help buffer the that transition period. Likewise, nurture your other significant roles. Don't just become so and so's significant other. It's important to also nurture all those other roles that are important to you. As a professional, as a homemaker, as a dog, parent, as a artist, as a whatever it is, nurture those other aspects. So if one role, if that role is so and so's significant other, goes away, you don't feel like your entire self has suddenly evaporated. Challenge or distress intolerant thoughts such as, I cannot stand it if we break up or I will die if we break up, really challenge those and look at the facts for and against your belief. Yes, if you break up, it will suck. That's just part of relationships. When you get into an intimate relationship with someone, you become vulnerable and you let them in closer than you let other people. That brings with It a certain amount of anxiety, a certain amount of trust. You develop certain routines, certain expectations, and when that goes away, there is a sense of grief, there is a sense of anger that needs to be processed. However, does it mean that you will be unable to stand it? Or does it mean that you know, right afterwards, the first couple of months may be really agonizing and you can get through it. And that's one of those techniques that we've talked about before in other videos of living in the and this sucks right now. And there are other things in my rich and meaningful life that can help me get through it or once I get through this initial painful period, things will start to get better and view differences and challenges as opportunities. If you have a disagreement in your relationship, it doesn't mean that that person's going to jump ship necessarily. If it's a secure relationship, if you've been nurturing the relationship with one another, using each other's love languages, openly communicating, then if there is a disagreement, if there is a challenge, it's an opportunity to grow closer together. It's an opportunity to solve a problem together. Same thing with your differences. People who are polar opposites can be in very healthy, happy relationships, just like people who are, as they say, two peas in a podcast, very similar to one another. It's a matter of how you view that other person in totality. Other people. My husband and I are very different from one another, but he complements me very well and I compliment him very well. We're polar opposites, so we do well together. We don't step on each other's toes a lot, but we appreciate each other's differences and strengths and that's really what helps us work together. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Vulnerability often creates a certain amount of anxiety when you make yourself vulnerable. When you reveal that squishy inner core, then that can cause anxiety. It can cause you to feel uneasy or threatened in a certain way. A little bit of a way, because you know that, hey, now that I've let somebody into this squishy center core, they do have the ability to cause me pain. It's a choice you've got to make. Feeling secure in relationships involves developing those secure attachments, defining what consistency, responsiveness, attention, validation, encouragement and safety looks like for you, what does that your significant other need to do? What do you want them to do to make you feel secure and what do they need you to do to help them feel secure? Enhance self esteem. That way you're not dependent on that other person to be the only person who can validate you Practice distress tolerance. Recognizing that in any relationship there may be periods where you have a moment of insecurity. Practicing that distress tolerance can be helpful until you get to a place where you can communicate with that person and work through the rough spot, if you will, and process Prior losses. A lot of times people feel insecure in relationships because they've had prior abandonment issues, prior losses that they have yet to grieve and come to terms with, learn from, and be ready to move on. So they are holding on to all of that information from those prior experiences and saying, okay, if I ever see this again, I'm going to cut bait and run. And that really sets you up to feel insecure because you're hyper vigilant for those signs. You're constantly scanning for those signs, and when you are constantly looking for something, you're probably going to find it. Therefore, you might also want to encourage yourself to journal. You know, this is an additional tip that you can use. Journal so you can notice. In addition to noticing the things that make you uneasy, force yourself to notice the things that make you feel secure. Force yourself to notice. Journal. Write it down. Make a note of it. When your significant does something that helps you feel secure in your relationships.