10 Tips to Stop Being Overly Sensitive | Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Tools

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to Today's video on 10 tools to stop being overly sensitive. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. So let's start out by defining what I mean by overly sensitive or hypersensitive. Being overly sensitive, by your definition, to the feelings, expressions, or words of other people is what we're talking about. So there's no real hard and clear line in the sand about what's too sensitive and what's not sensitive enough. So it's up to you to decide, is my sensitivity too much? Is it causing me distress? Is it causing me to have problems in one or more areas of my life because I just. I can't take all that input or I can't deal with people's reactions? Hypersensitivity often develops as a result of trying to stay safe in chaotic environments. You were either trying to stay safe from harm or neglect. So you learn to be on alert. You alert. Learn to be hypervigilant all the time so you wouldn't be harmed in some way physically or emotionally. So you would recognize what you needed to do in order to make sure that your caregivers were willing to meet your needs or safe from abandonment. And this could be in relationships where you became hyper vigilant of people's thoughts, wants, and needs and didn't feel like you could have your own because you felt like that would lead to rejection or abandonment. So think about it. Where did you learn to be hypersensitive? Where did that come from? Who taught you it wasn't safe to be yourself or to make mistakes? And what mentors might you have in the present that can teach you how to be more authentic and less fragile? Think about people that you admire. And generally, if you admire them, they're probably putting themselves out there a little bit, whether it's celebrities or scientists or whomever that you admire. Think about how they put themselves out there. And yeah, they get criticism, they get negative feedback. Not everybody likes them, and it may be uncomfortable for them. However, they don't let it oppress them. They don't let it cause them negative impacts emotionally or cognitively for more than a minute. They feel it. It's like, okay, this is unpleasant. However, I am going to be authentic with myself. So the first tip, self care and security. Be self accepting. Once you move away from needing everybody else's approval, and you can look in the mirror and say, you know what? I. I am doing the best I can and I am lovable. I am imperfect, but I am lovable. That goes a Long way because then you're not as sensitive to rejection, you're not as fearful. If everybody else doesn't like you, that you're going to cease to exist. You can spend time with yourself. You can more selectively choose who you spend your time with because you're not craving that approval if you can give it to yourself. Remember to dislike choices or behaviors not yourself. You are lovable. You may do things that you don't like. You may have a short temper. One day you may make a mistake, you may lose something. You know, all of these things are things that you might look at yourself and go, yeah, I could do a little bit better there. But does it. What you're looking at is the behavior, not yourself. It doesn't make you less lovable. Even if you engage in a behavior that may not be super lovable. Identify characteristics that are important for a person to have. In your opinion, what characteristics does a person need to have in order to be a quote good person? Make that list. Then after you make the list, go back down and identify the characteristics on that list that you already have. Compassion, forgiveness, willingness. You know, there's a lot of things that you probably already have, a lot of characteristics you probably already embrace that make you an awesome lovable person that you can say, yeah, I'm not perfect, but I've got a lot to offer the world. So that's one of those activities that can help you work on building your self esteem and become more self accepting because you're focusing on the things that you already have, the good qualities you already have. I'm not saying ignore the things that you want to work on, but I'm saying balance out the scales and reflect on the benefits and drawbacks to being hypersensitive or self conscious or even self hatred. A lot of people who are hypersensitive or or tend to be overly sensitive don't like themselves. So they're looking for other people to say, you know what, you're okay, you don't have to hate yourself. Well, what is the benefit to holding on to that self hatred or to being self conscious? What is the benefit to having that underlying anxiety? How could you use your energy differently in a way that would help you move toward a rich and meaningful life? Embrace your individuality. Be your authentic self. Science is propelled by creativity and independent thought. Art is it propelled by individual expression and creativity. And as a matter of fact, humanity itself is propelled propelled by synergizing with people who are different, people who have different ideas can synergize and Come up with this awesome idea. And, you know, I'm not super strong in the stem area, so I can't give you great examples, but I'm sure there are examples of people who had a wonderful idea and somebody else who was able to help them make that idea a reality. Where would we be if Da Vinci, Warhol, Steve Jobs, Jeff Bezos, Elvis Louis Armstrong, Marie Curie, or Louis Pasteur were too sensitive? I mean, all of those people put themselves out there and all of them received criticism, received, rejection, received. They weren't all liked by everybody, but what amazing contributions did they make to our society? Let go of perfection. Accept that perfection is an illusion. And it's even more of an illusion today than it was 30 years ago because of the Internet. People have filters and masks and things that they can use to portray perfection. They can let you see snapshots of their life when they're having good moments, not the times that they're not having good moments. So let go of that illusion of perfection, because guess what? None of us is perfect. Think about the people that you love. Are they worthy of love and care? Are they perfect? And if they're not perfect, does that make them less worthy of love and care? If they're not perfect, do you think they should be harmed or abandoned? What? Do you think that they should be rejected when they disagree with you just because they have a different thought or a different perception? You know, it's important to think about what kind of world you want to live in and whether it's okay for other people to have different perceptions, different thoughts, thoughts, different feelings. If it's okay for them, then it's okay for you. You know, just because you don't agree with your best friend on something doesn't mean that you deserve to be rejected. Your best friend may reject that idea and say, I disagree. But a phrase my mother used to say, and I never liked it, but I can see where it comes from, is agree to disagree, respect those boundaries, and welcome the opportunity to grow when you do make a mistake. Progress is what we focus on, not perfection, because perfection's that illusion. So we want to welcome the opportunity to do it a little bit better the next time. Maybe we didn't even make a mistake, but somebody offers that unsolicited advice, okay, that's fine. Hear what they have to say from the perspective of a beginner's mind. How do they do it differently? And is there anything that you can take from that that might be helpful? A lot of times people offer advice not to be critical or condescending even though it may come come off that way. But they offer it in order to out of a, out of a genuine place of caring because they think their way is better and it doesn't mean their way is better. You know, take what's useful, leave the rest. And I'm going to say that a couple of times today. Help us continue to make practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or on cash app at Doc Snipes. You can become a member of the YouTube channel and get perks@doc snipes.com join or if you're a clinician, you can earn CEUs@allce.com the next tip is to recognize your strength to develop those distress tolerance skills. Even when somebody says something that is less than glowing with praise, you know, okay, it may be uncomfortable. Even when somebody says something downright critical or even ugly and mean. Use those distress tolerance skills. Recognize your strength. Recognize you don't have to be completely obliterated by their words or their thoughts. Don't give them that amount of power. Recognize your strength to stand up to it and to resist letting that hurt you. Those distress tolerance skills can start out with mindful regulation, grounding and deep breathing. And in other videos, you know, I've talked a lot about using square breathing where you breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four and hold for four. And that works really well for a lot of people. But for some people, they tend to dissociate when they do that. So I've added to that. When you're doing your square breathing, notice things that are around you. And I usually try to keep it simple. I notice anything that's green, but you can do 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. When you're breathing, as you breathe in, notice five things that you see. As you exhale, notice four things that you hear. And so you're keeping yourself grounded, you're keeping yourself focused in the moment. But you're also triggering that vagus nerve and that relaxation response. So distress tolerance almost always starts with getting into your wise mind, triggering that vagus nerve, triggering that relaxation response so you can think more clearly, so you can quit using emotional reasoning. You can get out of fight or flee. And you can change or choose your thoughts. You can choose thoughts that are empowering. Looking at the facts in this current context, what do you have control over? And given the current context, it's unpleasant, distressful, whatever it is, okay, that's fine. What resources and strengths can you call on in order to endure this? How have your prior experiences helped you? Help strengthen you so you can endure it? Who can you call on or what tools do you have that can help you deal with this? Use encouraging thoughts. Tell yourself, okay, this sucks right now, but this too shall pass. Or, you know, this person doesn't have to like me because I am lovable and other people like me. Or you can just choose alternate thoughts. You turn your attention to something else for a minute because whatever it is that's causing you distress may not be able to be fixed. You know, maybe it's a troll that is causing you all kinds of consternation and continuing to think about what that troll said. Or worse yet, feeding the troll is not going to change anything. So sometimes it's helpful just to turn your attention to something else and go dealing with this. Not worth my energy. Not worth my energy to focus on this. So I'm going to focus on something else. Likewise, distraction and, you know, alternate thoughts is turning your thoughts to something else. But distraction can also involve turning your energy, using that energy instead of stewing over what somebody said or the fact that they don't like the way you did it, or they may be rejecting you, turning your attention to other activities that you enjoy, doing something that you can use your energy for that will help you move toward your rich and meaningful life. This next one reminds me of when I was a very young child. And you're probably not supposed to say this anymore, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm rubber and your glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you, or what you do bounces off me and sticks to you. And I think it's really important to take that childhood saying to heart because the way other people react and act toward you reflects more on them than it does on you. What other people say to you and the way they say it reflects more about them often than it does about you. So I'm rubber and you're glue. Address unhelpful thinking. If you are over generalizing, think to yourself, am I criticizing everything I do or just one thing? Am I saying something like I'm stupid? Or am I saying something like I don't know how to change a tire? Two different things. And. And I have they or you? Because it's important to recognize that we can be hypersensitive to our own inner critic. Our own inner critic can be ugly. Therefore, we can't ignore our inner critic when we're addressing hypersensitivity because our inner critic tends to make us feel insecure, which makes us even more nervous about rejection from other people. If we're our own, we're rejecting ourself in our own head, then wow. Out there is even more scary. If you find that you're criticizing everything or using global language, change it and use specific language. I didn't do this particular thing, right? Not I'm a screw up, but I messed up this project. Another example of overgeneralization. If you tell yourself you're a total failure or completely unlovable, is that true? Are you really a total failure? Yes. You may fail at something. You may do something that makes you a little less warm and fuzzy for the moment. You know, we do engage in some of these behaviors that make us a little more prickly. So think to yourself, am I a total failure or did I make a mistake? Am I imperfect? Am I completely unlovable? Or did I do something that was maybe a little prickly? You know, think about. I think about. We used to have prickly pears in our yard. And in at the heart of a prickly pear is a very soft, gushy, kind of fluidy center. There is a lot of moisture in a prickly pear, but the outside is kind of prickly. And you've got to figure out how to get around the prickers in order to get to the good meat inside the prickly pear. And, and I think about that with people too. A lot of times, people, because they've experienced trauma in the past, may have some prickles that protect their soft, gushy inside. It's important when we're talking about overgeneralization as well, to not assume consequences. Because I failed at this, you're going to reject me because I lost my temper? You're. You won't love me anymore. Wow, that's really jumping ahead of the game. Don't assume consequences. Yes, you lost your temper. The person may recognize that you were having a bad day, forgive you, and be wanting to help, not reject you. So don't assume personalization. Is it even really about you? You may remind them of somebody in, in their past. They may just be having a bad day and they happen to be taking it out on you. They were already primed to be prickly and you just happen to make their prickers stand on end. Are they criticizing you as a person or a behavior? Or are you criticizing yourself as a person? Or are you criticizing a behavior? And it's important, even though it doesn't seem like it, it is important to change Your inner dialogue as well as your outer dialogue and focus on behaviors and not people. And finally, mind reading. Do you know for a fact what someone is thinking, feeling, wanting, or. Or are you just assuming it's about you? Your boss walks in, they have this awful look on their face. You assume you did something to tick them off. In the in other videos we've talked before and I'll say it about my resting face and I'm not in a bad mood. It's just the way my face sits, especially if I've got my TMJ bite plate in or splint I think is what my dentist calls it. I can look like I am in a really bad mood and that I'm really not. I'm just deep in thought about something. So it's important to recognize that just because somebody has a particular expression on your on their face doesn't necessarily mean you know how they feel. Or you may have an inkling of how they feel, but it may not be about you. They may have just come out of a meeting or gotten off the phone with somebody and they're just livid. Has nothing to do with you. And I've already said this one, but I'm going to say it again. Take what's useful and leave the rest. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and way of doing things. If it doesn't violate other people's boundaries, if you're not hurting other people, then you have a right to your way of doing things. And if your opinion's not hurting anybody, you know, even if other people don't like your opin your opinion, you're entitled to it and they're entitled to theirs. And that's where you come to that. Agree to disagree. Most things we can learn from though, most things have a useful kernel in them. So think about what the person did or say said that made you feel uncomfortable that you became hyper vigilant about and figure out from that experience what can I take from this? Maybe you they came in and they had this awful expression on their face and you learned that hey, it wasn't about you. Okay? That's something you can take from it. You can take from that experience that you were assuming. And mind reading gets you into trouble. Likewise, there are positive things that you can take from situations. If somebody provides you constructive feedback, maybe they don't do it in the most compassionate way, but if it's constructive, there may be some nuggets in there that you want to pull out. You can take how they presented it and put it over Here and go, yeah, I don't want to use that kind of tone. I don't want to present information to people in that way because that's hurtful. So I learned that and I got these nuggets out of it. The HPA axis or your stress response. If you are already anxious, you're already primed, you're already on edge, you're already waiting and primed to jump into action at the slightest threat. So you're more likely to be more sensitive to perceived threats. So I know you've heard this from me before. Get adequate sleep. Sleep deprivation is associated with increased anxiety and difficulty controlling ruminations. And a lot of times people who are oversensitive tend to be more anxious and tend to have difficulty letting things go. Though the situation just keeps replaying in their head, they keep having those ruminations. Good sleep's not going to get rid of all of it, but it will. It certainly can be helpful. And have good nutrition, manage your blood sugar and reduce caffeine. Both of those are known to ramp up the stress response, ramp up the HPA axis. So those are behaviors that actually might make you more prone to being anxious, more prone to being hypersensitive and create safe spaces. Recognize the connection between hypersensitivity and your prior trauma and what was traumatic or what is traumatic for a one year old, a two year old, a five year old, it's very different in many cases from what may be traumatic for a 25 year old. So even if you're looking back at it and going, that was no big deal, as a two year old, it may have been really freaking scary. So recognizing the connection between your hypervigilance, between your hypersensitivity and your trauma. Develop a rescue plan and self compassion when you start feeling hyper vigilant, okay, Have a plan for how to deal with it and be compassionate with yourself. If you notice that you're feeling that way, then let's do something about it. Don't ignore it. Don't tell yourself you should let it go. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel this way. Well, you do have compassion for yourself and take steps to address it instead of just trying to lock it away in a box somewhere. And another part of creating safe spaces is setting and respecting boundaries, embracing your right to your thoughts, wants, feelings and needs. They are yours. And nobody has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. That's how you feel. Now you can choose if you want to, to change how you feel or think about something, but Nobody has the right to tell you that. Likewise, you don't have the right to tell other people that either. You know, it's important to be respectful of their boundaries. You can tell them. If you feel like they're invading your boundaries, you can tell them, you know, that's. That's hurtful. I need you to, you know, back off a little bit. And it's important, again, with boundaries, to recognize what somebody else's opinion and stuff is. They may have stuff. They may not like you. Okay? It's not your place to tell them they have to like you or why they should like you. They don't like you. Okay? You know, if you are being authentic, if you are being genuine, if you are being the loving person you know yourself to be and somebody doesn't like you, they're lost. And finally find a confidant. And this is someone who is kind but won't sugarcoat the truth. This is invaluable. Somebody who you can go up to and say, all right, I got this criticism. Is it accurate? Or how should I take this? Because I'm not sure how accurate that that feedback was. And I'm feeling very sensitive. I'm feeling very vulnerable. And a confidant will say, you know, that that's crap. It's not something you need to pay attention to. That person was probably having a bad day. Or they can say, yeah, you know, that might be something that you want to look at. You know, they're the person that's going to tell you the cold, hard truth. If you're being particularly prickly, they may be able to say, yeah, it seems like over the past few weeks you've been more impatient. And then you can figure out, what do I need to do to address it. Remember, they're saying you have, over the past few weeks, you've been more impatient. They're not saying, you're not lovable. They're not saying, I hate you. They're saying, I've seen a change in this behavior that you might want to take a look at. It seems we're becoming increasingly hypersensitive as a society. We've forgotten the beauty and necessity of hearing other opinions, getting feedback from a different perspective, and just living authentically. Our belief that we should be hypervigilant to every person's micro expressions creates incredible anxiety and distress. Even putting this presentation together today, you know, caused a fair amount of consternation. It's like, okay, I need to make sure that I try not to offend as much as possible. And having to walk on those eggshells can be exhausting. It is important to be kind, to respect people's right to their thoughts, wants, feelings and needs and apologize if we offend others. If I accidentally step over somebody's boundaries apologizing, I'm not going to apologize for my opinions, but I may apologize if the person, if I made them feel like I was telling them their opinions were invalid. We need to stop living in fear of being abandoned, cancelled or rejected. Because, let's face it, nobody's liked by everybody.