12 Tips for Helping Someone with Abandonment Anxiety | CBT Relationship Counseling

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on being in a relationship with someone with abandonment anxiety or insecure attachment. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Before we get started, please take a minute to click that subscribe button and the bell right next to it to be notified every time we put out a new video. In this video, we're going to explore the symptoms of abandonment anxiety, which is often caused by attachment trauma or insecure attachment. We'll identify strategies to support the person in coping with their symptoms, as well as explore how their symptoms impact you and things that might be helpful for your own self care and burnout prevention. The mnemonic I have here to help you remember the symptoms is Scared Champs. Now for each of these symptoms, we're going to talk about what they might look like, but we're also going to talk about helping the person identify what makes them more vulnerable to being having that particular symptom triggered what makes them more vulnerable to being triggered into splitting, for example. Then we'll talk about those triggers and solutions that work for that person. And then finally we're going to finish up by talking about how those symptoms might impact you and things that you might be able to do for your own self care. So let's start out with the first one, splitting. Splitting is thinking in all or nothing terms. You're either all good or all bad. And somebody who's experienced abandonment or who has insecure attachment often experienced that when they were very young and very young children think in all good or all bad terms. So they may still be projecting or thinking from that framework. They may never have altered that framework to recognize that people do make mistakes, but very rarely are they all good or all bad. But splitting can involve just about anything. Whatever they're doing is either all good or all bad. It's every, it's always or it's never encouraging the person to think about different situations in which they're more vulnerable to splitting. For example, at work they may not see things in extreme terms like that, but in their relationships, they may be more vulnerable to splitting. So when they're in a relationship and they start caring about somebody, it's easier to have that particular reaction triggered because when they start feeling vulnerable in a relationship, they start feeling unsafe. And as soon as they see the first sign that they might be abandoned, they switch into all bad. They switch into protective mode. It's important to recognize that this can be exhausting for you, the significant other, when you're in a relationship with someone who engages in splitting because you're going along, doing your thing, and then all of a sudden, sometimes it seems like you've been gone from being the good one to being hated. And that can be very exhausting. It's important to recognize that the person engaging in splitting is often trying to do it to protect themselves. They started to feel vulnerable. Something triggered them to feel like they were about to be abandoned or rejected, which may have caused this, triggered this symptom to come up. It doesn't mean that you have to sit there and go, okay, you know, I can be all bad for a while. But recognizing where it comes from can help you have a little bit more empathy for what's going on. And then approaching the person, calmly, compassionately identifying, you know, it seems like that you've been triggered and you're feeling really unsafe. Now I'm wondering what I can do to help you feel safer and more empowered. I'm wondering what triggered you to start feeling or fearing that I was going to abandon you. Clinging is another symptom of abandonment anxiety. People who have been abandoned before, when they start picking up these signs that they're going to be abandoned, some will split and just put up this wall and say, you're all bad. I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Or some will cling. And that is the, please don't leave me. I can't survive without you. This is, again, something that is often carried over from those initial relationships where they were abandoned. And oftentimes those relationships had occurred at a time where the person couldn't survive on their own. They were children. Recognizing that clinging often means I'm afraid that you're going to go away behavior is communication. Just like with splitting. Recognizing it, identifying, you know, for the person. I feel like this is clinging behavior that's coming up. You know, talking with them about how it feels. And clinging may look like texting you 30 times throughout the day or showing up at your workplace all the time, or whatever the clinging behavior looks like. Some people will say it feels suffocating. Identifying what those behaviors are very specifically. And when you communicate with the person, making sure that they know, I love you, I want to be with you, I want to support you, and we need to talk about, you know, ways that you can feel safe without engaging this in. In this behavior, that triggers my anger, that triggers my frustration. One of the biggest things for people with abandonment anxiety is as soon as you start getting anxious or angry around them, they assume it's them. They assume that they're going to be Abandoned or rejected because that's what's happened in the past. Therefore, starting out the conversations with I love you, I want to be with you, I'm not abandoning you, and we need to have a talk. But also regularly communicating with them when they're, even when they're not engaging in problematic behaviors to make sure that they know that they are loved and respected and safe. Part of that means communicating with them in their love language, figuring out what their love language is. Is it quality time? Is it acts of service? Is it words of affirmation? Is it gifts? Is it touch? What is or are their top love languages in order to make sure that they know, hey, I see you, I notice you, I want to provide attention to you. That will go a long way to helping the person feel feel safer and more secure in the relationship. People with abandonment anxiety have perpetual levels of anxiety. A lot of the time that it may come out as envy of other people because they're afraid they're going to be abandoned for someone else. It may come out as anger at other people because they're afraid that the person is getting ready to abandon them and they want to. They start feeling afraid and they want to try to manipulate the person. Now they don't think about that, but that is the de facto result of the anger or the anxiety sometimes. Recognizing that this person often feels very anxious is important because when you go into situations that may make them feel more vulnerable to rejection, then it's important to think about it ahead of time and say, what do you need in order to feel safe and empowered in this setting? If it is going to my Christmas party, if it's going out to dinner, if it's going to the gym together, whatever it is that we're doing, if it's going to be a situation in which you feel vulnerable to rejection or criticism, what is it? What steps can we take in order to help you feel safer? What do you need to do and what can I do to support you going along with that? Is that rejection? Hypersensitivity? The person who's been abandoned often has learned from those prior abandonment experiences what some of the micro expressions, what some of the things that the person might do that indicates that they are on the way out the door. And the person with rejection sensitivity not only notices those, but also becomes acutely sensitive whenever they receive criticism because it cuts them to the core if they get receive criticism. A lot of times they interpret that as you are bad instead of your work product was bad or your behavior was bad. It is you are bad, therefore you are unlovable, therefore I'm going to abandon you. So there's some catastrophic thinking that happens, but it all goes along with prior learning. And especially if the abandonment occur occurred when the person was young, or the dysfunctional relationship occurred over a long period of time where their thinking was really dramatically changed, the person may react from a more all or nothing sort of perspective. As I mentioned, envy and jealousy, these are other words for anger. They are angry at somebody or they're jealous of somebody for having something they want. Whether it is the way they look, or the money they have, or the house they have, or the job they have. They see this in another person and they see that other person as a threat. It can be exhausting being in a relationship with someone who is extremely envious or extremely jealous. Because when they're doing that, sometimes it comes off as I am assuming, since I value this in this other person, or since I want to have this, I'm assuming you want to have it too. Which means I'm assuming that you are going to leave me for that person or you're going to judge me harshly in comparison with that person. So it's important to address envy and jealousy and help people recognize that they are loved for who they are. And yeah, there may be other people who are more powerful or who have more money or whatever they're concerned about, but that doesn't mean you love them any less. There, there is something about them that you actually want in your life. Helping them see how envy and jealousy can be exhausting to you is also important because when they are assuming, when they're trying assuming what you're thinking, when they're mind reading, that's not fair. That is not fair to you because they are assuming the worst when you might not have the worst in your intentions at all. And putting it to them like that can be very helpful because they don't want to hurt you. And when they start to realize that they are projecting other people's behaviors and is holding you hostage for other people's mistakes, then they may be able to start to look at those situations a little bit differently. It doesn't mean they're not going to be insecure. They are likely going to have to work on their self esteem. But it can be a place to start opening that realm of discussion. Dysregulation is also very common. People who are have abandonment anxiety, as I said, are almost always hyper vigilant, scanning for signs of hints that they may be rejected. That's exhausting. And that takes its toll on the, the stress response system or the HPA axis. So a lot of times people with abandonment anxiety, if you want to think of it like a pressure cooker, they're already at max pressure, just day to day living. And when something actually triggers their anxiety or triggers their anger, it adds enough pressure to blow the top off because they were already at max pressure and now all of a sudden there's more and it just boom. More than they can cope with at that particular time. And remember that dis, disregulation, when it happens, is neurological, it's neurochemical, and it takes those people longer to downregulate, takes them longer to get back to their baseline. Another analogy, if you think about a flood, when you get stressed out, when you get angry, it may be like a pipe bursting under your sink, you know, and the floor got a little bit wet and there's some dampness. And yeah, it's a pain in the butt for them. It's like the entire house flooded six feet deep and it's all the way up in the drywall. So it takes a lot longer to dry the house out. Being compassionate with them, recognizing that when they disregulate, it's exhausting recognizing a lot of times after they disregulate, they have a certain amount of guilt and frustration and again, maybe fear that because they disregulated, they're going to be rejected and there's just a bunch of turmoil. Being supportive can be very helpful. After they disregulate, say, okay, you know, let's in use some of the tools that are helpful for you to feel safe and empowered until you can get back to your baseline. And then, you know, we can talk about what happened, you know, we can talk about the situation, but not until you have, you know, had a chance to recover from that disregulation. Each of these things is going to be important to recognize what that makes them more vulnerable and what triggers it. It could be sights, sounds, smells, times of day, places, events. There can be a whole lot of different things that may trigger their fear of rejection, may trigger their anxiety or their envy. Identifying those triggers so they can start working on them, but so you can also be aware of them. And if they start acting stressed out, if they start acting like that rejection, hypersensitive was triggered, or they start acting anxious, you might be aware of something that they're not even aware of. And you can say, hey, it seems like you're getting anxious. You want to talk about what's going on. And then Champs. Controlling and manipulation is another part of abandonment anxiety. Some people may cling and be very dependent, very almost childlike, needy. Other people may be more controlling and domineering, telling you what you need to do in the relationship. Because somewhere in the back of their mind they learned that if they can control the situation, if they can control the relationship, if they can control you, then you're not going to leave if they can just keep everything under control. And that may be the result of growing up in an environment where everything was out of control. Exploring the behavior as not as malicious, but as a safety mechanism, as a protective mechanism, and exploring with them what would help them feel safe even if they didn't have to control everything could be an avenue for supporting this person. Recognizing their controlling behaviors. It doesn't mean you have to submit to them. Recognizing their controlling behaviors. It as a strategy to stay safe and then discussing with them compromises. You know, I, I understand that this may be, may help you feel safer. However, it's making me feel oppressed. So what can we do in order to, to arrive at a middle ground where both of us feels okay? They're hyper vigilant to signs of rejection. And that can be signs that you know you're talking to somebody else or you're angry with them. But it also could be hypervigilant to their. Their own selves. If they are self rejecting, then a lot of times they will assume that you're going to reject them. So they may be hypervigilant to their appearance, they may be hyper vigilant to what society says they should look like or should be, and if they're not, that they may feel inadequate and therefore unlovable and therefore a candidate for rejection. Noting those things is going to be really important. What is it that the person is hyperv vigilant about? And how can we help them again feel safer and more empowered? Throughout this series, I've said that phrase over and over again. Because ultimately that's what the person with any sort of mental health or even chronic physical health issue needs. They need that secure attachment in which they feel safe in their own skin, they feel safe in their environment, and they feel empowered to move toward what's important in their rich and meaningful life. Some people with abandonment anxiety actually attach too quickly. They meet somebody, they start getting to know them, they're like, oh, I like you. And then all of a sudden they're like, joined at the hip. Many times this early attachment may be confusing physiological attraction with actual trust and romantic feelings. And all those Other things. So it's important to recognize that the attaching too quickly, that surge of oxytocin that makes them feel loved and secure, they may want, they may really want to keep that going and which may lead to not having very good boundaries, which may lead to trying to push things in relationships too quickly. You've been together for two weeks and all of a sudden they're talking about having, you know, a family or moving in together. It's important. If the person is attaching too quickly, that means they, they've got really bad boundaries. If you have this discussion to let them know you love them, you want to explore being in a relationship with them, and you're not ready to do this yet, it doesn't mean that you don't want to be with them. It just means you work at a slower pace than they do. Own your own boundaries, acknowledge where they want to go. I, I hear this is what you want and, and this is what I need. So again, where can we arrive at a compromise here? Mind reading and conclusion jumping is very common because it helps the person who's been rejected or abandoned stay safe. When they were in that dysfunctional environment, if they tried to anticipate their caregivers every need, then it was less likely they were going to be abandoned. If they jump to conclusions and about what was getting ready to happen, sometimes they could prepare themselves or brace themselves or even take a proactive movement. So sometimes, interestingly enough, people with abandonment anxiety will jump into being the dumper so they don't have to be the powerless dumpy in relationships. Acknowledging this especially. Well, both of these are very dysfunctional communication patterns in relationships. If your partner starts engaging in mind reading, trying to tell you what you're thinking or assuming they know what you think, it's important to correct that. It's important to correct that quickly and say I'm not either I hear this is what you think I'm thinking, or I can see where you might have gotten that from my behavior or I have no idea where this is coming from, but this is actually what I'm thinking and making sure that you open that line of communication where you're being authentic and you're correcting their assumptions and encouraging them to ask you. Instead of assuming that you're angry at them, ask, you know, it seems like you're angry. It was it something that I did or is there something you want to talk about? You know, that gives you the opportunity to tell them so it empowers you, but it also prevents them from making Erroneous assumptions. Projecting. I mentioned this a little bit before. Projecting is when you take the lessons that you learn from other people, the good or the bad, and you put it on somebody new. So in prior relationships, when somebody acted this way, it meant the bottom was getting ready to fall out, therefore you're acting this way. So that must mean the bottom is getting ready to fall out. Projecting kind of goes along with mind reading. However, it's coming from a different place. Projecting is basically like rerunning an old episode. And it's important to encourage them to stop and look with you, which is this person in this relationship at this time. Are their assumptions valid? Is this actually a repeat of the past? Or could this mean something different? And suspicion is the final thing. People who've been abandoned are often very suspicious of people's motives. If things are going too well, they're suspicious. It's like, oh, this is uncomfortable. It's actually been going too well for too long. So the other shoe must be getting ready to drop. They have difficulty trusting. Other people are going to have their best interest at heart because in the past it hasn't been that way. And they may over analyze things. If you do nice things for them, they may overanalyze it and say, you know, what do you want? Or what, what did you do wrong? Or what bad is going to happen? Or if you don't do enough nice things for them, they may think, why are you getting ready to reject me? Why are you mad at me? It's like everything you do is under a, an extreme microscope. And that is also exasperating and exhausting sometimes. And it's important to communicate with them how you feel. If you, you feel like you're constantly being monitored, watched, evaluated, assessed, it is often going to wear on you. And it's important, as I mentioned earlier, help them on a, on the, a regular basis, daily or more often, make sure that they know that they are loved, accepted and safe. And as things come up, communicate with them. But when you end the communication, make sure to reiterate that you love them and you want to be with them and you want to work this out. It's not, you're not getting ready to abandon them, but it was important for you in order to be happy in the relationship, to have that conversation. It's important in all relationships, but sometimes, maybe especially in a relationship with somebody with abandonment anxiety, that you also have other relationships. And I know that sounds counterintuitive because won't that trigger the person with abandonment anxiety? It could but it's important to talk that out. And you know, if you are the relationships that you choose are going to be important in order to help them feel safe. But it is important to have other relationships, to have hobbies that where you can get a break from feeling like you're under the microscope. The person with an abandonment anxiety, that may be really difficult for them, especially if they're clinging or control both. So setting having agreements about, okay, I'm going to go out and I'm going to play around of golf and I'll be back in four hours and if I'm going to be late, I'll call. You know, that's respectful. But that also gives you time alone. They know where you're going to be so they feel a little bit more secure and that can be a step toward helping them feel less anxious in the relationship. Help us continue to make practical mental health tools available to everybody. Join the channel@doc snipes.com YouTube donate@doc snipes.com donate and of course, like subscribe, comment below and and share. Every person's abandonment issues may look a little different. There's no one size fits all way of supporting people with abandonment trauma. We do need to recognize though, that abandonment trauma is trauma and it's going to potentially influence future relationships. Especially if the person doesn't understand what they're doing. They don't understand that what they learned in the past, they're projecting into the present. It's important for the person to understand their vulnerabilities and triggers for their behaviors and effective interventions for them to feel safe and empowered in the relationship and to communicate that with you. It's important to develop a toolbox together so you can work on the problem together. You're not doing it for them, you are working with them to create an environment that is mutually nurturing and nourishing. It's often helpful to encourage mindful awareness of vulnerabilities and triggers on a regular basis, at least first thing in the morning and last thing at night, so they can assess what's going on with me, what are my thoughts, wants and needs in order to feel safe and empowered in my skin, in my environment and in my relationship. Self care is vital to help you cope with the vicarious distress because as the person with abandonment anxiety has symptoms, it's going to impact you. You can't be in a relationship with them and not have it impact you in some way. So recognizing that distress and maybe feelings of frustration and figuring out how can I cope with this how can I acknowledge it and deal with it in a way that's healthy and helpful instead of dwelling in frustration and resentment? Additional videos on my YouTube channel include understanding and addressing abandonment anxiety@doc snipes.com abandonment list and two videos. One's calling called Caring for Caregivers and the other one's called Burnout Prevention. Both can be very helpful if you're in a relationship. Whether you're a caregiver or you're in a romantic relationship, or even if it's just your best friend. If you're in a relationship with someone with a chronic physical or mental health issue.