12 Tips for Improving Communication in Relationships

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on 12 tips for improving communication. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Communication is both verbal and non verbal. It's important to remember that what you say is important is as important as how you say it. So for example, when my kids would leave for school or something and I would say, love you and they would grumble under their breath, love you too, you, it communicated something a little bit different. I know they loved me. But it also commun communicated a little bit of irritability that they were having to express their emotions. It's also important to recognize that what you understand is, is as important as what you hear, maybe even more important because we can hear words coming from somebody else or we can see non verbal behaviors coming from somebody else and we can interpret them in however we interpret them, but we don't know if we're accurate. So it's important to make sure that what we're under, what we're hearing from that person and we're understanding from what we heard is what they meant to communicate. So let's talk about how to get all this done. The first tip is to recognize that everyone's interpretation of what is said and done depends on all of their prior learning experiences. Every time you learn something, it gets filtered away in something called schema. And those schema help you ex anticipate what's going to happen next and interpret what's going on. So it's a filter that every future experience is going to be sort of run through. Think of times someone had a different opinion of something than you did. Roller coasters is a perfect example. My cousin loved roller coasters. I was terrified of them. He had been going on roller coasters since he was legally able to go on roller coasters. I had never been on one and I, when we were at the park, I was like 12 at that point. So it was unknown to me. So our perceptions, our realities, our expectations for the roller coaster were very different. Being loud is another one of those things. If you grew up in a household that was regularly loud, then you may interpret that as, you know, all's fine here. This is just, we're loud, this is how we communicate. But if you grew up in a household where when people got loud, things got dangerous, then when people in the future get loud, it may trigger that anxiety response. So you may react far differently to loudness than someone who grew up in an environment that was just typically was loud. Being critical. You may have grown up in a household where caregivers or teachers or coaches were critical in order to help you get better, but they were supportive in the way they did it. They were trying to help you get better, and they really had your best interest at heart. Or you may have grown up in an environment where your caregivers were critical and they were just tearing you down all the time. It was, you could never seem to be good enough and you didn't feel like you ever measured up. You didn't feel like you were loved. One situation, the person receives constructive feedback and they feel loved and supported and encouraged. The same thing said in a different situation could be interpreted as rejecting and critical and unloving and being driven to a chief. Another example, in some environments, you may be driven to focus on achieving and doing what is necessary to do to reach the prize to get to that end goal. Other people may approach the situation very differently because they're more focused on everybody getting a fair shot and everybody feeling accepted and safe and comfortable. It's just the way that your prior experiences shaped how you view things and how you approach things. When two people that come from these different environments get together, the one who experienced a stressful environment may be triggered by the person who is just behaving like they evolved that like they were raised, like they always have. They don't mean to be threatening or dismissive in any sort of way. So it's important to recognize that even if you don't mean to be critical or hurt somebody's feelings or scare them in some way, you may inadvertently do it. Likewise, if you come from a traumatic place, people may not intentionally do it to you. They may not understand what your triggers are you. So it's important to communicate that to them. The next tip is to respect boundaries based on people's personal reality. They may disagree with your perspective or not have the same feelings about a situation, whether it is where to go for dinner or politics. You know, you can be all over the map. You can have different opinions when people disagree with you. It can trigger defensiveness, though. It's important that we recognize defensiveness as a reaction, an emotional reaction to a possible threat. It doesn't mean that there is a threat. Feelings are not facts. It's us saying, oh, hey, I gotta protect myself. Well, where does that come from? Well, that's important to explore. What did differences of opinion mean in your, your life up until now? It's also important to recognize that it's likely the other person is not rejecting you. They simply do not share your point of view. And you may get to A point where you have to agree to disagree. The next tip is listen to understand. In some cultures, people only hear the first half of what somebody has said. This is very common in American culture. They check out due to feeling defensive, scared, or maybe just self centered. If you're listening to somebody talk and you feel like they are being critical of you, you may zone out as soon as you start feeling threatened and start preparing your response, preparing your attack. They may not have meant to trigger you, they may not have even meant it what you interpreted the way you interpreted it. So it's important to listen to everything that's said and listen to understand. Some other people may check out, if you will, when somebody's talking because they get bored. They hear what the person's saying and they're like, oh, I know how to do it better, let me tell you. So they don't even want to let the speaker finish speaking. They want to jump in and say, this is how I do it better. Again, that could be the environment in which they were raised. Now that's an aggressive form of communication. That's not respecting boundaries and wanting to hear somebody else's point of view. It's important to recognize that when we do cut people off, we often assume that we know what the person's trying to communicate. And this goes back to two very common cognitive distortions. One is mind reading and the second one is jumping to conclusions without sufficient evidence. We hear it, we know what they're going to say and we just jump right on top of it. That is going to very often lead the other person to feel disrespected, to feel like you were being aggressive. So it's important again, listen to understand. Listen to everything they say. Even if what you hear is just. You're like, oh, I gotta respond to that. You'll get your chance. Okay. First, make sure that the way you're interpreting what you're hearing is the way they mean to say it and then you can address it. Help us continue to make practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or on cash app at Doc Snipes. You can become a member of the channel@docsnipes.com join purchase a super thanks. Or if you need continuing education, you can get it@allce.com the next tip is to listen to nonverbals. I know how can you listen to non verbals? You want to pay attention to those non verbals. How someone says something tells you a whole lot when they're talking to you, are they making eye contact or are they looking at the floor or around or anywhere but at you? Do they mutter what they have to say or do they look at you and say it clearly, this is what I need. Or this is, yeah, it would be really nice this, if this happened. Are they sitting tall, looking at you, or are they hunched over? This is a protective position when somebody's sitting like this. When they're hunched over, are they squared off with you or are they angled towards the door? Think about how much more connected you feel when you're talking to somebody and you're squared off versus when you're not facing one another. Do their words match their gestures? If they say, sure, I'll go ahead and do that, that doesn't match the gesture and it's important to recognize. Or if they say it's fine, it's, it's really fine, you know by hearing it that it's not fine. Their words are not matching their gestures or their tone of voice, or are they aggressive in their communication, being loud, dramatic, and maybe even getting in your space. And customer service people have to deal with this a lot where somebody comes up and they expect to get grief about returning an item. So they walk in and they're already prepared for a fight and they go in and they slam something down on the counter and they're like, this doesn't work. Okay, well, it's not the customer service person's problem or responsibility that it didn't work, but they're assuming that the person is not going to help them. It can be helpful for the customer service representative to say something like, I would be really upset too if I got that all the way home and it didn't work for me. And just paraphrase what you are understanding, what you are hearing from their non verbals to help them feel like you're paying attention, like you're connected. Which takes us to paraphrasing, summarize what you heard to make sure what you understood is what they were trying to communicate. For example, I'll use the example of being critical if somebody is talking to a friend or a roommate and says, you've had these tasks on your list for six months and have not made any progress. Okay? The person hears, so what you're saying is I'm lazy and I sit on my butt all day. That's not necessarily what they said. They didn't clearly communicate that they were hoping to get some sort of timeline for when they would be. The stuff would be Finished. So it's important to really clarify, what is it that. What is it that you're trying to communicate to me and how can I do this? And the person who heard it, took it very personally and assumed, probably based on prior learning experiences with other people, that the speaker was being hypercritical. Another example, if a caregiver says, you are so stupid, stubborn, just like your father, the child may hear, so I'm a useless idiot and you're going to kick me out too? Because they heard this caregiver calling the father a useless idiot before they got divorced. So now they're saying, okay, well, if I'm just like my father, then I must be a useless idiot too, and I'm going to have the same fate. So it's important to recognize. Now, the child is probably not going to be able to paraphrase, but it is important for the caregiver to recognize, is this child understanding what I'm trying to communicate? And we'll talk about if there's a nicer way to say it in just a second. Take a breath. This is an important one. And, and generally, it's not helpful to tell people, take a breath because they are feeling stressed, they are feeling threatened, they are feeling anxious, and you invalidate them by saying, basically, calm down. Yes, we want them to calm down, but first it's important to acknowledge, I can see you're really stressed out right now or starting to feel very anxious. Maybe we should take a break. If this is you. If you are talking to somebody and feel like you're getting upset, your brain is telling me, telling you you might be unsafe. Remember, feelings are not facts. It can be helpful to excuse yourself, maybe go to the bathroom, splash some water on your face, take a break for a second so you can figure out in this context, at this time, am I safe? Is there something to feel scared or angry about? Keep it objective. If you dislike a behavior or disagree with somebody's opinion, keep it objective. Stay away from judgmental words. Avoid statements like, you're an idiot, just like all of those other Fill in the blank. And I think we've all heard a similar statement over the past six years. Instead, say something like, so you think blank is a good thing? So you think Elon Musk's idea about Twitter blue is a good thing? I. I don't know. I know that's one of those contentious areas, and if the person says, yes, okay, we can talk about that a little bit more. Help me understand. But saying you're an idiot, that's aggressive. That's hurtful. That is judgmental. When you don't under. You don't know that person's reality, you don't know the facts and the experiences that they're basing their judgment on. So it's important to identify what is it that we're talking about. We're not talking about how smart or not smart I am. We're talking about my opinion on this matter. Another example, avoid that judgmental word. Instead of saying, you are such a slob, say instead, it really bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink. That is observable. Two people living in the same household may have very different ideas about what clean and sloppy are. So if you just tell somebody you're a slob, they may not understand exactly what you're referring to because they look around and see everything is fine. So objective identification is important. Validate. Think about how do you feel when you tell someone your point of view or feelings and they immediately tell you how you're wrong or make it all about themselves? You tell them what's going on, or you tell them your opinion and they say, I've had a similar experience. Let me tell you. Yeah, and instead of having a dialogue, it becomes a monologue of them telling you stories and regaling you with their ideas. Remember that validating someone's perspective doesn't mean agreeing. All it's saying is, I hear your position. I can see where you might feel that way. We don't have any understanding in many cases of every experience another person has had. So it's important to recognize and validate that. All right, I may not understand it, but based on your past experiences, this is how you feel right now. Got it? When people feel heard, then they can stop feeling like they need to continue to explain or escalate to be heard. A lot of people need to be have their thoughts or their feelings validated so they can say, okay, this person is actually listening to me. I actually have a connection here that can help me get through this. And similarly, don't make it about you. Don't just jump in from validating and saying, I see that you're really angry. Let me tell you about. No, no, no, no, no. Don't make it about you. Most people crave connection. Now, introverts aren't going to crave connection with as. As extroverts might, but most people crave connection. When people communicate, it's like they're reaching out a hand. If I start a conversation with you, I'm opening that conversation. I'm extending my hand, I'm expecting you to reach back and then we're going to connect. If you take what they say and then just start talking about yourself, you're not grabbing their hand. You just start clapping your own hands for your own self. This may leave them feeling disrespected. Now, if you don't share the same opinion or reaction, inquire and explore. If somebody shares something that you don't agree with, whether it's how they're reacting to a situation, you think they're overreacting and they don't think they are all right. Or if they're angry about something and you don't see why they're angry, validate how they feel. If you don't understand why they feel that way, then explore it. People, when they want to be heard, they want to be important too. And by exploring it, by saying, you know, I don't share your point of view or I don't really understand where you're coming from, can you tell me more? Then that gives them the opportunity to share with you. You open that door for them and actually let them come in instead of slamming it in their face. Tell me more about why that is. For example, if one person gets triggered when somebody else starts being loud and they just come from a loud family, I don't understand why you get so edgy. When we start to get. When we go to my relative's house and everybody starts getting loud. Help me understand. It's not, you're wrong. It's I don't, I don't understand the dynamics. Help me understand. Now, the only caveat to not making it about yourself is if you're trying to persuade. If you're trying to persuade or convince someone to do something for you, ask them to do it in a way that makes them feel like they're helping you out. It would make my life a lot easier if you would put the dishes in the dishwasher, for example. So you're trying to get somebody to change their behavior and not leave dishes in the sink, put them in the dishwasher. That's what you want. Instead of saying, you're a slob, you never put your dishes in the dishwasher. Saying, it would really help me out. That is one way to create a win win and motivate another person. Hear their response. If they say, well, the dishwasher is always full of clean dishes. Okay, well, the first response might be, you can empty the dishwasher too. That's probably not appropriate here. We want to stay on the issue, you want them to put their dishes in the dishwasher. So paraphrase invalidate. Well, I can see how that would make it difficult to put your dishes in there if it's already full. I hear that. So how about this? Now we compromise. When the dishwasher is full, please rinse off your plate before you put it in the sink. So that comes to a compromise. Instead of saying, well, if you're, if you have dirty dishes and there's no room in the dishwasher, then you have to do all this extra work, all you're saying is, I'm just asking for this little bit of extra effort. Assert yourself is the next tip. Remember, assertiveness says, my thoughts, wants and needs are just as important as your thoughts, wants and needs. So once you've heard the other person and confirmed you understand what they were trying to tell you, then it's your turn. Remember I said your turn would come. But it's important to first hear and validate and connect with that other person so they feel respected, so they can sort of let their guard down, avoid those judgmental terms like stupid, lazy, narcissistic, blah, blah, blah. Remember, their opinions and feelings are just as valid as yours and stick to the facts. For example, I hear you think this is a good idea and you certainly make some strong points. And you can say, and I agree, or however, I still have some concerns, or however, I'm not quite on board with that yet because. And then you can tell them your rationale and then you can open a dialogue. How awesome is that? Or another example, I hear you're very angry about this situation. I did not intend to be late and I did not think it would. Would upset you. I was wrong. And the I was wrong is really important because saying I didn't think it would upset you and just leaving it there may be interpreted as you're overreacting. Even if you believe they're overreacting, they are reacting from a place of threat, from a feeling disrespected, feeling rejected. What? However they're feeling, they're reacting from a place of threat. So I didn't intend to be late and didn't think it would upset you. I was wrong. I'm sorry. What are the next steps to address this situation? So you're state, you're hearing them, you're paraphrasing, you're validating and saying you're right in the situation. I was wrong about my, about my assumptions and then working toward a compromise. And finally, and this is, I Guess more than one tip. But think, think. Before you speak, it's important to remember that not everything actually needs to be said. Not even the things you say to yourself in your own head. Sometimes we need to shut off that voice, too. So think. Is what you're saying truthful? If it's not truthful, don't say it. That's pretty simple. The next one, H stands for helpful. Is what you have to say truthful? Okay, if it is great and helpful could be. All right, so it's truthful and helpful. We're working towards talking. I Inspirational. If it's truthful and helpful, how can you say it in an inspiring way instead of being critical? How can you say it in a way to motivate somebody to do it or see your point of view instead of feeling like they're being criticized or pulled down? Necessary is n. Not all truthful, helpful things need to be said. But if it is truthful and helpful and necessary, how can you say it in the kindest and most inspirational way possible? I'll give you an example. When I was younger, I used to fold towels a certain way, and my mother wanted them folded a different way. Was it truthful that her way may have been a better way to fold them? Maybe. Was what she was trying to tell me helpful? Yeah, you know, it would have been helpful. Ultimately, I realized it was helpful and saved me work in the long run, but I didn't realize it at that point. Was it necessary? No, it really wasn't necessary to get into a disagreement and for her to get extremely angry at me for folding towels a different way. But in retrospect, I recognize that she. She may have felt rejected or disrespected because I was not following her lead, but it wasn't something that was necessary to actually have a discussion over at that point in time. So it's important to think truthful, helpful, necessary, and can you say it in a way that is inspirational and kind? Think about things that you've said today or yesterday. Were there some things that didn't need to be said? Were the things that you said always helpful and necessary? If so, great. If not, you know, you may want to think about curbing that. And when things were truthful, helpful, and necessary, were you as inspirational and kind as possible, or were you not? Most people are not born knowing how to effectively communicate. It develops through observing and interacting with others. Unfortunately, not all environments teach effective communication. If you tend to get defensive or angry, explore why you so often feel threatened. And whether you're reacting to the present or the past. It may have been unsafe in the past because of fear of rejection or abandonment or punishment or whatever. Is that still true in the present? If you tend to feel unheard, explore why it's unsafe or it was unsafe to assert yourself. And again, whether it's still unsafe to assert yourself in the present. The skills in this presentation can help you start strengthening your relationships and more effectively get your needs met.