15 Signs You are Hitting Bottom in Codependency

Hey, everybody, and welcome to this video on hitting bottom in codependency. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. CEUs are available for counselors and social workers@allce.com CodeE CEUs let's start out with talking about what hitting bottom actually means. That's a term we use a lot in addiction, but it's one we don't use as much in mental health. However, to change, people need to hit bottom. It needs to become more uncomfortable to stay the same than it is to change. Change is hard, even if it seems like the best choice. When faced with a choice, people choose the option that is the most rewarding or. Or the least painful. So let's talk about codependency here. People are faced with a choice. Do I address the codependency and get out of this? What I can even see objectively is an unhealthy relationship, or do I stay in this relationship that I know that is meeting certain needs right now, that I can predict that I feel like I've got some element of control, whereas change is a complete unknown. So you can see why some people may have difficulty choosing to move towards a different way of interacting. People will often not change until it's more painful to stay the same than it is to change. Think about times when you've tried to change anything. You've tried to start exercising, you've tried to change a particular behavior. It takes energy, it takes effort, and it's uncomfortable. Whatever you're trying to do differently is often means taking away something that was in some way rewarding, like if you start to try. Right now, my kids have recently moved out, and so I've had to take over what they have been doing for chores for the past, you know, 15 years. And I am changing my behavior. So when I get home in the evening, I'm swiffering the house and I'm dusting the end tables and things that changing litter boxes. I didn't used to do that. I used to come home, make supper, and then kind of collapse at the end of the day, and I can't do that anymore. And I kind of miss that sometimes. However, it is important to me to make that change. So what am I giving up? I'm giving up some of my couch potato time. However, what am I getting? I'm getting a house that stays clean to my standards. Hitting bottom is when the person realizes that the change is the only way to stop the pain in codependency. The person who is codependent will look around at their life. And they'll say, this is my vision of a rich and meaningful life. And, and gosh, most of the things that are important to me are going to hell in a handbasket right now because of this relationship. Maybe it's time for a change because the pain is worse than staying the same. I do want to mention that most people with codependent behaviors have a history of abandonment trauma that has caused them to develop complex post traumatic stress. And I mention that because the symptoms of codependency and CPTSD often significantly overlap. And it's important to recognize and address the trauma and not just assume that this is a, quote, relationship behavior or a, quote, addictive behavior. Well, yeah, it's a, a behavior and it may be an addictive behavior in a, in an addictive relationship, but it's serving a function. What function is that? Often to provide a sense of safety and security to somebody who is terrified of abandonment and rejection. Codependent behaviors often develop during that traumatic time to help the person try and survive. Now why did I not say childhood? Sometimes codependency doesn't develop in, in childhood. Sometimes it's the result of being in a relationship with somebody that starts out healthy and then they develop an addiction and you continue to try to pursue them and quote, fix them and get the person back that you initially got together with. For people to be willing to recover or change any behavior, they must be motivated. The more important the behavior to survival, the more intense the motivation must be. If I am going to get motivated to use my earlier example to swiffer and dust every evening when I come home, that's not super important to survival. So it doesn't take a whole lot of motivation for me to say, okay, I can get up off the sofa and do this. If I'm going to change something huge, then like getting out of a relationship that is clearly serving a function at this point, then the motivations off obviously going to have to be a lot stronger. What does hitting bottom look like? Well, in codependency, remember, people are obsessively anxious. They're hyper vigilant to what's going on. They're constantly trying to keep the dysfunctional other from, from relapsing. They're constantly trying to protect these dysfunctional other from the consequences of their own actions. They're constantly trying to keep the dysfunctional other from becoming angry, becoming distressed, or experiencing anything that might cause them to relapse. It's exhausting and it takes a crap ton of energy. So physically the person with codependency often experiences sleep impairment. That underlying hypervigilance and anxiety and feelings of disempowerment and unsafeness because of the situation often keeps them from getting that good sleep. As a result of impaired sleep and high tension and high stress, they experience increased pain and illness, including exacerbation or even development for some people of autoimmune issues, there's low energy, not only because of a lack of sleep, but because their body is constantly revving, just kind of waiting for the next shoe to drop. And some people develop substance use or addictive behaviors. Now why didn't I say? Addictions may not rise to the level of being an addiction, but they may start heavily using substances or other behaviors in order to try to escape from the pain of the codependent relationship, Affectively or emotionally. The obsessive anxiety turns to major depression or explosive anger when people with codependency start to get to the point where they're hitting bottom and they start to become emotionally dysregulated. So when they're not raging, when they're not furious or frantic, they're flat or depressed and just don't have the energy. And it's usually one extreme or the other. And they start to notice that they feel like their emotions come in tidal waves instead of sprinkles. They're often plagued with regret and resentment. They regret the things that they've lost as a result of the relationship. They resent the dysfunctional other for putting them in that position. They resent other people for, for abandoning them when they wouldn't leave the dysfunctional other. There's a lot of regret and resentment, both of which by the way, are anger feelings to go around. And as I mentioned, there's frequent emotional dysregulation. Cognitively, there's hypervigilance. The person is constantly scanning for any clues that the dysfunctional other may be getting ready to relapse or abandon them. So they're hyper vigilant to every non verbal, every verbal clue and they start to engage in mind reading. You looked at me sideways, therefore you must be thinking this and that means bad things are going to happen. So they start second guessing or assuming they know the other person's feelings, thoughts and intentions. When you're this stressed out, when you're this hyper vigilant, constantly scanning, constantly looking for hints that you know it's going to go bad, you can't concentrate, your body is not able to say, hey, I'm in the middle of this flat fight or flea response. But let's focus on the Excel spreadsheet right now. It ain't going to happen. The person hitting bottom all starts to engage in stinking thinking, which is another term we use in addiction. But generally it's characterized by all or nothing thinking. You're either all for me or you're against me, and it's either all my fault or it's not my fault at all. And personalization. A lot of people with addictive behaviors, including codependency, personalize everything. You're angry. It must be my fault you relapsed. It must be my fault you had a bad day and crashed the car somehow. It must be my fault. And cognitively, I didn't know where to stick this one. People who are hitting bottom in any addiction often say that they're sick and tired of being sick and tired. They are over it. They have run out of energy. They've run out of motivation. They've realized that something needs to change. Environmentally, when the person is hitting bottom, Remember I said the pain of staying the same has to be worse than the pain of change, because change is hard. Making amends is hard. Letting go of control is hard. But the person who's hit bottom and codependency looks around one day and realizes they've lost pretty much everything. The friends that they used to have have kind of washed their hands and been like, I can't be party to this anymore. I can't enable this behavior. Family has done the same thing a lot of times in codependency. Whatever the dysfunctional others issue is, whether it's mental health issues or addiction issues, it costs a lot of money, so the money is gone. The person with codependency very often has problems at work at the very least, or loses their job because they are so obsessed and consumed with enabling the dysfunctional other that they call in sick, or they don't focus at work, or they make mistakes, or all of the other emotional and cognitive issues make their productivity and work product just kind of disappear. Their health has also gone. You know, they look around. Remember I said they have increased pain, increased illness, reduced sleep. A lot of times, people with codependencies realize that the stress of the relationship is impairing their immune system. It's impairing their health. It's actually literally killing them. And often when the person with codependency hits bottom, they may have lost the dysfunctional other. The dysfunctional other may be so steeped in their problem, in their issue, that they realize that the person with codependency realizes on some level I can't bring them back from this. And the dysfunctional other may be actually pushing them away, going, you know what? Get out of my life. I just, I can't deal with having you around anymore. Relationally, the person who's hitting bottom with codependency has low self esteem to begin with, but now they're really feeling empty and worthless because with codependency, they had a very unstable or weak sense of who they were. And a sense of self is what we call it. And when they are no longer needed, when they are no longer caretaking for the dysfunctional other, they don't know what their job is, they don't know who they are, they don't know what they're supposed to do. And that starts to feel really terrifying. Compulsive caretaking also starts to turn to helpless resentment. The person who's hitting bottom starts looking at the dysfunctional other going, no matter what I do, no matter how much I turn my life upside down and hurt myself, you're not changing. And they start to develop a lot of resentment towards the dysfunctional other. They're not ready to let them go yet, but they're starting to get really angry and resentful, but they feel helpless to change anything. They're terrified to let go, but they're also recognizing that they can't change it. And in, in psychology again I said, Martin Seligman devised a term called learned helplessness. And when we continue, when we do things, and no matter what we do, there's a painful consequence at a certain point, sometimes we just give up and lay down and take it. And that's where we're at with people when they're hitting bottom. So what does it mean to let go? What does it mean to change? Letting go of these codependent behaviors is terrifying. That for many people, means letting go of control. And if they, in the past, if they've let go of control, bad things have happened. Letting go of this relationship and letting go of these behaviors that have worked to some extent until now is terrifying. So sometimes I'll do an activity with the people I work with where we talk about reframing letting go. What are you letting go of? But then what are you getting control of? Vulnerability. When you're letting go, you become very vulnerable. When you don't have somebody else that you're trying to control, you don't have somebody else that is providing structure on the same end. Yes, you're vulnerable, but now you only have to use your energy to Control yourself and you can use it to move towards those things that are important. Letting go of codependent behaviors means accepting that you could not change or fix it or them. Okay, that's terrifying because it often represents the fact that you may not have been been able to change other relationships as well. However, you also, when you do that, the flip side is you start to recognize that it wasn't me. It was something that was not changeable, but it was not me. When you let go of codependent behaviors, you grieve the loss of the fantasy. You're not going to get the person back that you thought you were in a relationship with or that you hoped you could make out of this diamond in the rough. It ain't gonna happen. So that's terrifying and heartbreaking. So there's some grieving that happens when you let go of those codependent behaviors. But you also get with it an increased awareness and appreciation of the present moment. Okay, I'm not gonna get this prince that rides in on a white horse. Ain't going to happen. What do I have in the present moment? And when you let go of codependent behaviors, it means you've got to learn a whole new skill set which can feel very overwhelming. However, what you're doing is gathering tools to help you be the person you want to be. And there's no time frame. It's not like you've got to learn all these skills in two weeks. You've got time to do it. If the videos on this channel have been helpful for you, please support us in our mission to make high quality practical content available to everyone. You can donate@doc snipes.com donate join the channel@doc snipes.com join or purchase a thanks on any video that you particularly like. Once a person's decided to change, there's a grieving process that has to happen. They're letting go of a behavior, they're letting go of a dream, they're letting go of, you know, a lot of things. Control. Remember, in the grief process, we have denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When a person hits bottom, the grieving process, denial, when they're in that place, they're still saying it's them and not me. I can fix them. Then they're going to love me and I'll feel happy. Well, once they bust out of that denial, a lot of people move to anger and we see the person in with codependency bounce back and forth between all of these feelings while they're in the relationship. It's kind of interesting. There is an ongoing grief process. So then they move to anger. If the dysfunctional other would only do what I tell them, things would be okay and I could relax. They don't appreciate my sacrifices, so they're angry that they can't control the person. And they're angry and feeling unappreciated. Bargaining. All right, okay, let me step back. Maybe if I do X, Y and Z, then there. Then they'll change. You know, let me, let me see. Can I bargain with you? If I do these things, will you, quote, behave? And the dysfunctional other may say yes, may say no, but the person with codependency is still trying to figure out how to make it work. Depression. Nothing I do makes them change. It's hopeless. I am helpless. And that is the place where the person is really hitting that bottom. When they're hopeless and helpless, they recognize what they've been doing ain't working and it probably never will work. So they're having to find something else. They're having to let go of this pattern. And finally, acceptance. Continuing to do what I've been doing and expecting different results is insanity. It's another phrase that we often use in recovery circles. My life with this person has become unmanageable, and I'm powerless to change them. That's step one of codependence. Anonymous. I have to make a change if I want the things in my life that are important. And that is the final assertion in acceptance. When the person has accepted that they have to let go of this dream, this fantasy, this. This relationship. Hitting bottom is part of the grieving process. When making a significant change. One of the things that you can do to raise the bottom, which means help a person get motivated before they have to experience even worse consequences, is to increase awareness. Make a collage of all the things, people and activities that are important in your rich and meaningful life. Cross out the ones that have been harmed or are likely to be harmed by your codependency. You know, that's a pretty stark picture when you start looking at it. And I encourage you not to use words, but to actually do a collage. Because if you're talking about harming the relationship with your kid and you have to put a big red X through your kid's face, that's kind of startling when you step back and look at it. So it can be a wakeup call. Once people start becoming more aware, they're going to become more motivated. But a lot of people with codependency, if not all are terrified of being alone because they don't know who they are. If they're alone, they may not have ever been in a place where they haven't been taking care of someone, so they don't know what to do. The loneliness, the trauma, the depression, the anxiety, the grief, everything they're going through, they think, oh my gosh, if I have to go through this alone, it might just completely overwhelm me. Which is why it's important to join a support group or begin counseling. But this is what I call placing an anchor. When you are rock climbing or mountain climbing, you know, as you go up, you periodically place anchors, so if you start to slip, you're not going to fall all the way back to the bottom. You're only going to fall a little bit of the way. So place an anchor. Support groups, codependents, anonymous, adult children of alcoholics. There are a lot of different free support groups out there. Your community also may have other support groups for codependency. Final thoughts Recognize that the recovery from codependency requires that you grieve the loss of the relationship with the dysfunctional other. There was something about that relationship that was very important to you. You grieve the loss of the hope for a relationship with the imaginary dysfunctional other. And I, I mentioned this earlier, the diamond in the rough. A lot of people who are codependent get involved with others, dysfunctional others who need to be rescued or seem to need to be rescued. So the person with codependency sees them as a diamond in the rough. I'll just polish them up and I will make them into this shiny diamond. That ain't going to happen. Other people may have been in a relationship with the person when they were healthy, and then the person developed an addiction or other problem, and they hold on to this dream of having the gym Bob that they married back. And that person may not comeback if the current Jim Bob is steeped in addiction or trauma or something else. The repeated loss of the original dysfunctional other is another thing to grieve. Most people who are codependent or have codependent behaviors have some original traumas that every time a relationship breaks up, especially a codependent relationship, that initial relationship that didn't work out, which is often with the caregiver, is. Is repeated. You know, they feel like they're losing dad or mom all over again. And it's going to be important to grieve that the original dysfunctional other that started all of this, and they need to grieve all of the things that they've lost along the way as a result of these dysfunctional relationships, there's a lot of grieving to go around. Related videos are linked in the notes to this presentation.