17 Tips for Helping Someone with ADHD | Relationship Skills

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Before we get started, please take a moment to click that subscribe button and the bell next to it. That way you're notified every time we put out a new video. In this video, you're going to explore the symptoms of adhd, identify strategies to support the person in coping with their symptoms, explore how the symptoms impact you, and strategies for your own self care. A lot of times when we're in a relationship with someone who has a physical or mental health problem, we focus on wanting to help them feel better. And that's wonderful. But that caregiving, that nurturing, that supporting takes energy. And there's a lot of stuff that we'll talk about that happens as a result of their symptoms, whether it's depression or anxiety or ADHD or something else that can also lead us to feel frustrated and irritable and maybe even helpless. The mnemonic I created for ADHD is here for stimulants. And this isn't going to be a completely inclusive list of every symptom someone with ADHD may have, but it is more inclusive than what we see on the in the dsm. So it's important. There are some things like rejection sensitivity that aren't in the DSM that we need to be aware of, especially in relationships. So let's just go through what this stands for first here. Hyper focus, Emotional dysregulation, Rejection sensitivity and excess excessive talking 4. Forgetful organization difficulties, restlessness and stimulants Sustained focus is avoided Time blindness Impulsivity in behavior and speech mistakes Lack unmotivated, loses things Attention is difficult, Noisy transitions are difficult and sensory processing differences. Now I do have other videos on understanding ADHD and adult ADHD on the YouTube video. So I'm not gonna on the YouTube channel. So I'm not going to go deep into each one of these and what causes them and stuff. What we're talking about today is recognizing the symptoms in your loved one as potentially part of their adhd, identifying things that trigger these symptoms, things that make them more vulnerable to these symptoms or more vulnerable to being triggered, and solutions that work for them. Then we're going to talk about the impact of each of the symptoms on you and what you can do in order to nurture yourself and make sure that you continue to stay charged and healthy. So let's start out with hyper focus. A lot of times when we think adhd, we think lack of Focus. And that's true for a lot of things. But most people with adhd, if they get involved in something that really grabs their attention for some reason, something that they are super passionate about, they can actually get hyper focus and it's really hard to get them out of that zone. And they can. This goes along potentially with time blindness because they can get this hyperfocus and they just lose all track of time of what anything else that they're supposed to be doing. Hyperfocus is great. It is a neurochemical response on some levels where the person with ADHD is actually getting the dopamine that they need to focus on stuff. However, sometimes it's a little too much. If your loved one suffers from hyper focus, recognizing the things that they tend to get hyper focused on and developing a plan. So, for example, if they are super interested in gardening, then knowing that if they get online to read about different plants, or if they go out and work in the garden, they may get hyper focus and lose complete track of time. So what can they do in order to break that up? For a lot of people with adhd, it's really easy to ignore a little push notification here and there. They need what I call movement alarms. They need an alarm on the stove in the kitchen. They need an alarm across the, across the room where they've actually got to get up and move out of that zone where they're at, where they're in that hyper focus and to turn off the alarm. That can often help break that hyper focus. Now, a lot of times the dopamine's still in there, so the tendency is to really want to go back to what they were doing. So it does take time and attention. Another way of breaking hyper focus or helping to break hyperfocus for a lot of people is to have two alarms. You know, kind of like a snooze alarm where they have one alarm that they get up and they turn off and then another alarm, ideally somewhere else that is going to go off 10 minutes later. Now, some people will start ignoring the first alarm. They'll get up and they'll go back to what they're doing and then go to the second alarm. So yes, it's a system that can be defeated, but it is a tool. When your loved one gets hyper focused, that may mean that they miss deadlines, that they run late, they forget to get up and come down for dinner or cook dinner or wash their laundry, or do things that they need to do. And that can be really frustrating if you feel like you're having to do more of the work than they're doing because they keep getting sucked into whatever it is that they're hyper focused on. It will be important to talk with them. Recognize hyperfocus is part of adhd. They're not doing it intentionally to, to make sure that you do all the housework, to make sure that you do something, or because they don't want to spend time with you. However, if you express your frustration or your hurt when it happens, or about the fact that it happens to them, it may help motivate them to, to actually start addressing it. And we'll talk about rejection. Well, we'll jump down to rejection sensitivity right now. Because people with ADHD have symptoms that are different than a lot of other people, they have often experienced rejection because they have symptoms that are often mislabeled as oppositional behavior or, or disruptive behavior. Instead of symptoms of adhd, they may have experienced a lot of rejection from teachers, from peers, from significant others in their life. A lot of people, especially older people, people who are millennials and older, may not have been diagnosed when they were children. People who were in, in the millennial generation. It started to become more therapists started become, started to become more aware of ADHD as a thing. And instead of trying to discipline the behavior out of someone, which is what they used to do in the olden days, they started recognizing that there were neurological differences. However, a lot of people with ADHD either had didn't get diagnosed till they were adults or their caregivers may have gotten a diagnosis, but they were still kind of old school in their thought. So there is that hyper vigilance to indicators of rejection. So people with ADHD are often hyper vigilant to non verbals as well as tones of voice, et cetera. When you are disappointed in them, when you are angry with them. So it's important to recognize that you're not going to be able to hide all of those signs. It is better to be authentic with that person, to work on your own frustration and anger issues. Obviously, it's not their job to fix your reaction, but to recognize when you're feeling a particular way that you own it and say, I feel frustrated because of this right now. And because of their rejection sensitivity. A lot of people with ADHD are people pleasers, not all, but a lot. And they are willing, they're wanting to do well in relationships, they're wanting to do better, but they may not know how or they may not be able to focus on the things they need to do. To do better, which is where a supportive other can be helpful. So taking it back. People with ADHD have difficulty with motivation for things that are not right there in front of them right now. So sometimes you may have to bring it back around to the current context, in the current moment, how you're feeling in reaction to what's going on and what steps can be taken. Emotional dysregulation is another symptom of adhd. Because they've experienced rejection and in their life because they may not have felt like they were in control of their own body because of the hyperactivity, because of the wandering thoughts etc, the person with ADHD may have struggled for a while with with stress. They may feel very stressed in, especially in social situations or around other people because they're afraid of getting in trouble, they're afraid of getting criticized. That leads to changes in the stress response system or the HPA axis to which when they get stressed and it actually triggers that stress response, they may go from flat to frantic or flat to furious. There's not a lot of middle ground with the person. With many people with ADHD recognizing that is important, being able to take a breath and step back instead of leaning into their anger and ramping it up. Getting angry with them because they're angry or getting angry with them because they're completely stressed out, recognizing that in when they got triggered they had a tsunami of stress hormones just kind of flood their body. And it's going to be important to identify what helps them feel safe in the moment so they can get into their wise mind. What distress tolerance skills are useful for them so they can re regulate. People with emotional disregulation often also have difficulty returning to baseline. It takes them longer to return to baseline than it may take you. So if they've got ADHD and it and you get upset and you, you know, calm down in five minutes it may take them 30. So it's important to recognize they're not milking it. It does take them longer to re regulate to get rebalanced and excessive talking. A lot of people with ADHD are they just talk and they are really verbose. I, I don't have another word for it. Sometimes that can be because they're afraid that if they don't get a word in when they need to, then they're going to forget it. So then they won't be able to be heard. And so they tend to develop a habit of blurting or stammering or cluttering. So it's important to look at that recognizing again, how does that affect you? If you are engaging with somebody who talks excessively and you can't get a word in edgewise, talking with them about how it makes you feel and what strategies might be helpful so you both can feel heard, you both can feel understood, you both can get quiet time if you need it. It's also important, like with other mental health issues, to help the person with ADHD identify vulnerabilities. What things make them more vulnerable to these symptoms? For example, a person with ADHD is a lot more vulnerable to attention issues if they are in a busy environment and there's a lot of things going on around them. If they are in a quiet environment where they don't have a lot of visual or auditory stimulation, it's often easier for them to focus. Now some people with ADHD need to have some kind of like background instrumental music or noise going on, just some sort of baseline noise. But it's important to recognize that because when those conditions are not met, then the person is already a little bit more anxious, a little bit more stressed out, a little bit more hyper, if you will. So what vulnerabilities in, in time, in, in themselves, like being over tired or over hungry or in environments might make them more likely to have some of these symptoms triggered or might make it more like it for these symptoms to come out and what works for them. And we're going to keep going back to that. People with ADHD are often forgetful and it's again, it's not because they're trying to be disrespectful. It's not because they're trying to get out of doing something they may truly forget. Translating something from their short term memory. You told them to do these five things and getting all five of them done may not happen. They, they may get distracted. If a person has difficulty with forgetfulness, encourage them to write it down. You know, that is the simplest way to try to get things done. If they are forgetful about deadlines or appointments. Again, going back to those alarms and you can actually, instead of having a push notification, that kind of dings and then it goes away. I found with people with adhd, downloading a app that's designed to remind people to take their medication is really helpful because it'll keep bugging them every 10 minutes until they actually open their phone and silence the alarm. So if it's something they really need to remember, calling them ahead of time can also be helpful. If you're going out to dinner tonight and you want them to be ready by 6 o'. Clock. Calling them at 4 or 5 or whenever you need to call them so they can get ready can also be important to help them switch gears. That can be a trigger or not, not a bad trigger. That can be a cue for them to start getting ready. They may have forgotten about it. Same thing with holidays and birthdays and especially what I call minor holidays. Not Christmas or, or Easter for example, but like your anniversary, your birthday, Valentine's Day even. Sometimes people with ADHD may lose track. It's not that they don't want to celebrate it, but they may lose track of what week or what month it is. And all of a sudden it's boom, it's your. Whatever that holiday is. And they're completely caught, completely unaware. This is where reminders can come in as well. If there's something like your birthday that's important to you, making sure to put visual reminders, to put push notifications, to have an email auto sent to them prior to your birthday just to remind them. And this can be something that they can do as well. But sometimes people with ADHD have not had the benefit of working with others who can help them brainstorm. All right, what are the best. What things can I do? What are the best ways I can use to address this? Again, going back to taking care of yourself, if they forget your birthday or, you know, it's your kid and they forget Mother's Day or something, how does that impact you? Recognizing even though intellectually you go, is there adhd? I know they didn't mean it. It can still hurt your heart and recognizing how that impacts you and what do you need to do in order to forgive them? Accept what happened, move on so you're not holding on to that anger. People with ADHD have difficulty with organization of space and thought. And I put these two together because a lot of times they have difficulty with planning, like figuring out how am I going to get all my coursework done in the semester? Setting monthly goals is usually not enough for somebody with adhd. They need things that are much more incremental. And it can be really difficult, especially for people transitioning from high school to college or from college to real world. The less structure somebody else is imposing, the more they have to impose for themselves. And they may not know how to do that. If somebody's always done it for them, they may not have picked up the skill. They can't just go, well, this is how I did it when I was in high school, so this is how I'll do it. Now that I'm in college, they need to be taught those skills. An organization in space is also difficult. Not only do they have difficulty mentally planning things, but they may have difficulty with organization of stuff. And I worked with somebody one time who said that oftentimes our outer area, our outer environment represents our inner environment. So if their outer environment is chaotic, that probably represents how they're thinking inside. Sometimes creating an outer area that is not chaotic can help calm the inside. If they know where everything is, just don't over organize. A person with ADHD will often not do well with over organization. Bins can be helpful. This is the place where you leave your stuff when you come home. This is where you put the bills. This is so you're not, you know, as I said, over organizing. But they generally know where something is and there's not just chaos everywhere. Thinking about how their difficulty with planning or their difficulty with organization affects you is also important. And again, communicating with them. Maybe they can have their space in the house, but then the common spaces need to stay clitter free. They often are restless and fidgety. A person with ADHD may be anxious, may have some anxiety, some rejection sensitivity. They may be hypervigilant, kind of scanning for signs of rejection. A person with ADHD also has difficulty filtering out stimuli. So they're noticing all these things. And it can be difficult to sit still when you're just being bombarded with stimuli constantly. If their fidgetiness or their restlessness bothers you, again, looking at how does it impact you and what can you do and what solutions work best for them? Do they do well? If they've got a, a worry stone, it's just a polished stone that they can, that they can rub. Or do they tend to fidget or be less restless when they've got a weighted vest on? What things help them be less fidgety? Sustained focus is often avoided for th, especially for things that they don't want to do, whether it's chores or homework or something else. Recognizing that pairing the things that they don't want to do with things that they do want to do can be helpful as well as breaking things down. So sustained focus is for however long they can sustain it. If it's 10 minutes, okay, 10 minutes. If it's, then you can gradually add on to that. Recognizing other things that trigger their inability to stay focused. For example, sitting in a room where there's birds outside or where people are constantly walking by outside the door and making noise, pulling down the blinds, wearing noise cancelling headphones or earplugs? What is it that triggers their attention deficiency in that particular situation? And what are some strategies that might be useful to, to help them focus? How long can they focus for what is reasonable for them and what time of day works best for them? A lot of people with ADHD and without are able to focus better at different times of day. I'm a morning person, so right now I'm recording this at 6:30 in the morning. But for somebody like my son, he's not even going to roll out of bed until 8:30, 9 o' clock and he goes and works evening shift because his focus is better in the evening. Time blindness is another problem. And that kind of goes along with hyper focus, but not always even on stuff they don't want to do. A lot of people with ADHD have difficulty planning, have difficulty identifying or envisioning how much time it's going to take to do a particular task. So they often think that there's plenty of time when there really isn't helping them think back to other times that they've done something or helping them identify for the things that they do regularly, what the average person, how, how long it takes the average person, you know, whoever the average person is, to do something so they can gauge that a little bit better. For example, getting ready, you know, how long does it typically take them to get ready? If you've been in a relationship with them, you have an idea of whether it's 20 minutes or an hour and 20 minutes. And then you can start helping them create a schedule so they can start planning a little bit better. They may be impulsive in behavior and speech. They may do things impulsively, whether it's buying or blurting or interrupting. It's important to recognize that that may be a symptom of the adhd. But also if their impulsive behavior causes them problems, helping them recognize in the moment how that behavior is causing them problems and solutions. That might be more effective. If they're constantly interrupting you, for example, they're blurting when you're trying to talk. It's important to develop a system, express to them how you feel when they talk over you or don't let you finish what you're saying and talk about strategies to address that, whether it is a hand signal, if they start to interrupt holding up your hand, that's what I would do with my children, holding up my hand and letting them know you got to wait for a second and then you'll be able to talk. As soon as I'm finished and then obviously making sure you yourself take breaks to let them have an opportunity. Sometimes if you're in a relationship with somebody who talks a lot and tends to be impulsive and stuff, if you do get the floor, it can be tempting to not want to surrender the floor. Recognizing if you're doing that, if you're actually contributing to the problem, and being cognizant of making sure it's you're taking breaks so they can speak. Mistakes are very common in people with adhd. They have difficulty focusing on details. They'll get things done, but they have trouble seeing the details, whether it's in cleaning the bathroom or doing homework. So they may make careless mistakes. And on some things that may not be a huge big deal. On other things, it may be kind of critical. If they're making a cake, for example, and it calls for one teaspoon of salt and they put in one tablespoon, well, that cake's not going to be edible. Encouraging them to recognize what things make them more vulnerable to making mistakes. For example, being in an environment where there's a lot of distractions, they may make more mistakes. Being under time pressure or in certain situations where they feel like they're being judged, they may make more mistakes because they're just so stressed out. So identifying the triggers, what triggers them, what causes them to make more mistakes, and what solutions would be helpful. For example, if it's a project, having somebody proofread the projects can be helpful. If you've ever written a long document, you know that even if you put it down and come back to it the next day and reread the document, if you make spelling errors or grammatical errors, your brain knows what you wanted to say, so it'll probably miss those. So an editor or a proofreader can be super helpful in, in terms of those sorts of things. But working with the person, it's hard to go through all the possible scenarios of ways to reduce mistakes. A lot of people with ADHD tend to make more mistakes when they're tired or when they're in over stimulating environments. I talked a little bit about motivation and remembering that a person with ADHD may not be motivated to do some things, but it's not because they don't care. It's not because they are trying to shirk their responsibilities. Their dopamine system works differently and it's important to recognize that it doesn't mean you say, okay, you don't have to do your share. That's not what I'm saying. But recognizing that their Lack of motivation is not a sign of disrespect. It is a sign of the adhd and then working with them to figure out, okay, how can I help you get motivated? If you don't like doing the laundry, which a lot of us don't. Okay, so what can we do to help you get motivated to do the laundry? What would make it more pleasurable? And a lot of times if you combine it with something that they enjoy doing, like listening to their favorite band or watching something on tv, that can be super helpful. Making sure that it's not an overly long, arduous task. Doing laundry for four hours is overwhelming to the person with adhd. So thinking about, what can we do to make it, Instead of using the word motivation, maybe saying, what can we do to make this more enjoyable or less overwhelming to you? And that can really help with motivation. When people are overwhelmed, their stress response is ramped up, which means they're in fight ORF flight mode. They want to get done with it, they want to get out of there. They don't want to have to deal with it, which is going to trigger a lot of those other symptoms. So thinking, what is it that can make this less icky for you? They lose things, and that goes along with poor organization and forgetfulness and other things. They could lose their keys, which may mean they're running late for something, or they could lose something else. That's important. A lot of times losing things translates to running late, recognizing and I, and I know, I've said it about 15 times now, it's not a sign of disrespectful for you. It's a sign of a lack of a skill. They have difficulty organizing, which means they're going to be more likely to lose things, which is going to set their time back and have a cascade effect. What works for them to keep them from losing things that are important to them? I frequently misplace my lipstick, for example, because I have the office, I have the gym, and I have home, where I've got different things. So I've started learning to carry around a full set of the base makeup that I need in my purse with me. That way, whether I'm at home or I'm at work, I know, or even at the gym, I know that I've got the basics with me all the time and that can be helpful. Also, lists can be super helpful since organization is difficult. Making a list of what my, my husband refers to as the mission critical components. When I go to the gym, I have a list of the things that I need in my gym bag in order to make sure that I can complete the mission. And if I don't go through that list, I will inevitably forget something important, whether it's socks or a towel or something else. So lists can be super helpful. Attention is difficult, and that's more than just difficulty with sustaining focus. Some people have difficulty paying attention to movies, and they do better with sitcoms. Some people have difficulty paying attention through an entire dinner or in situations, like I said, where they're more, more vulnerable. They may be able to focus on you when you're at home having a casual dinner for two, but have more difficulty if you are at a restaurant where there's constantly people walking by and noises and clanging and all those other things. Recognizing the environments that help them focus is going to be important. And again, the times of day that are better for them. People with ADHD are often noisy. Not always again, but often they may, because they fidget, because they move around, because they talk, like to talk a lot. They may constantly be making noise. And as I mentioned, some people find having a L a certain level of background noise can be helpful because then they're not having to make noise to stimulate themselves, which kind of jump down to sensory processing differences. Some people with ADHD are more sensitive to smells, sight, sounds than you are. Some are less sensitive, and they may be more sensitive to visual stimuli and less sensitive to noise stimuli, for example. So it's not an all or nothing thing, but recognizing this, what's the purpose of the noise? What is the purpose of what they're doing? And is there a way you can compromise? Because it's important for you. If you need quiet time, if you need downtime, it's important for you to be able to get that. And transitions are difficult. People with ADHD either have difficulty getting focused or, or have difficulty breaking focus. So transitions can be really, really difficult for them. And I already talked about putting in alarms to break hyperfocus and we talked about other strategies for helping people sustain focus. But transitioning from one task to another can be really difficult and they can lose a lot of time. And in the interim, what I call dilly dallying, you know, they did this one thing that they didn't want to do. They're finished with it now. They've got this other thing that they don't want to do, and they will go to the bathroom, they'll get something to eat, they will, you know, get online and start scrolling or something because they have difficulty thinking, okay, Gosh, I'm going to have to go into another period, 15 minutes or an hour or whatever it is, where I've got to focus again, and I really don't want to do that. So the difficulty in the transition may be because they're dreading doing whatever it is. So addressing some of the other symptoms can be helpful. And I've talked throughout this about what's important for you when you're in a relationship with someone who has ADD or adhd. One thing I didn't talk about is in people who are biologically female, they find that there may be less hyperactivity and more spacing out or daydreaming. So that kind of goes along with difficulty with attention. They may not be getting up and running about constantly, but they may drift off into their own little world some. And recognizing that they weren't trying to ignore you, that they were drifting off, they were. Daydreaming is also important. Unlike with depression and anxiety, where you may feel hopeless and helpless and really hurt for the person, a lot of times, people who are in a relationship with someone with ADHD tend to get more frustrated because to them it seems like these are disrespectful symptoms or signs, or they are things that should be, quote, easily addressed. And because the person with ADHD's wiring is different, that we know that there are differences in the brain of people with adhd. They actually do need different accommodations and we need to recognize that they function a little bit differently. It's not better, it's not worse. It's just they're different and we need to embrace them for who they are and compromise, just like you would with anybody else. If you're in a relationship with somebody with a different temperament than you have, you're going to find ways to compromise. If you're structured and they're spontaneous, you're going to find a way to meet both of your needs. You're going to find a way to make it a mutually understanding relationship. Help us continue to make practical mental health tools available to everybody. You can join the channel@doc snipes.com YouTube. You can donate@doc snipes.com donate and of course, like subscribe, comment and share. If even if that's all that you can do, that really, really helps. With the YouTube algos, every person's ADHD may look a little bit different. There is no one size fits all way of supporting people with adhd. It's important to work with them, to communicate, to understand their vulnerabilities, their triggers. For their symptoms. What makes it more difficult for them to, for example, pay attention and effective interventions what works for them Developing a plan gives you a toolbox that you can use in order to feel empowered to communicate your needs and get your needs met, but also to help them feel loved and accepted and supported. It's often helpful to encourage mindful awareness of their vulnerabilities and triggers. If they tend to be more ADHD when they are sleep deprived, which is very common, then being aware of that is going to be an important step. And self care is also vital to help you cope with the vicarious distress of being in a relationship with someone with ADHD and potentially your own feelings of frustration and helplessness. If you feel like, you know, we've been trying to address this for six months and it's not changing, well, if you start feeling that way, it's important to recognize that and potentially seek additional help because there may be other strategies. We're really still only in our infancy with understanding the neurobiology of adhd.