2 Strategies for Talking to Partners About Codependency | Relationship Advice

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on talking with partners about how codependency affects you. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. If you're in need of CEUs, you can always find them@allce.com if you're interested in CEUs on codependency specifically, you can find them@allce.com cod ceu so since this is a short, I want to make sure that we're clear about the definition of codependency. Being compassionate in a relationship, being helpful in a relationship, being caring in a relationship. That's not codependency. Codependency is when one person prevents another person from experiencing the consequences of their actions or does things for another person that they can do for themselves and continues doing these things despite experiencing significant negative consequences. So every once in a while, you may protect somebody from the consequences of their actions. Doesn't necessarily mean you're codependent. But if you continue doing it despite experiencing negative consequences to your mental health, to your financial health, to your relate other relationships, relationships, whatever, then we might be moving toward codependency. So talking with your partner about it first help your partner understand where codependent behaviors come from. Codependency looks different for everybody. However, at the core is a person who has often felt unsafe and powerless and vulnerable to rejection. The behaviors represent the best tools that the person had to survive at the time. So looking back, when your codependent behaviors developed, what are your behaviors? Maybe you are an extreme caretaker. Well, why did you have to develop that? Why did that skill have to develop to keep you safe? Maybe you are regularly protecting people from the consequences of their own actions. Again, why did that behavior develop? Why did you need to develop that behavior in order to stay safe? Maybe you needed to protect your parents from getting arrested because they were using drugs, but you knew that if they got arrested, then you'd go into foster care, so you had to try to cover for them. You had to try to make sure your siblings got to school because your parents were too stoned to do it. And you knew that if you didn't take care of things, it wouldn't get done. So we want to look at why those behaviors developed in that situation. When those behaviors developed, you formed a schema, and that schema is now informing the present. That schema is saying, okay, this is what you need to do in order to stay safe. Many of those behaviors continue to exist because the person with codependency learned that if they're not all in if they're not in control, all hell is going to break loose. And that's terrifying. So thinking again back to when you developed your codependent behaviors, those relationships, when you weren't in control of everything, when you weren't trying to keep everybody in line, what happened? Well, your brain remembers that and says, oh, I don't want to experience that again. That's not safe. That's not fun. So I need to be in control. Recognizing in the present that this person in this situation is very different than that those people in that situation is really important. And helping your significant other understand that when you start trying to be controlling, that means that your schema from the past got triggered and you are reacting the way that you had to react to stay safe in that prior relationship. When people, places and things in the present trigger the memories of your trauma, it can trigger that terrified inner child. For a lot of people who developed codependency, it started in their family of origin. So that inner child is feeling terribly unsafe. Remember, children, they can't shop for themselves, they can't rent an apartment, they can't get out of the situation. They're stuck in a. An unsafe environment unless they figure out how to try to make it safe. That inner child is still constantly hyper vigilant, constantly wondering, when's the next shoe going to drop? When's it going to be unsafe again? So when those memories get triggered, you may kind of, if you will, flash back and feel like you're that scared child again, trying to figure out how you're going to keep things together so you don't get hurt and your family doesn't get destroyed. Identify your codependent behaviors, their triggers, and associated thoughts and expectations. This is important because you're going to need to communicate to your partner, these are my codependent behaviors. This is what triggers them. These are why they happen, so they can kind of understand what's going on in your head. So, so the what, what triggers you talking to your partner, your. Your new relationship. When you do this thing, it reminds me of this event and I start feeling, thinking this way and identifying for them what they could do instead. Or in addition, maybe when you get angry and raise your voice, it reminds me of when I was younger and my caregivers would fight and I start feeling or thinking that I'm unsafe. Okay. Expecting your new relationship, your new person to not ever get angry or raise their voice. That's unrealistic. Therefore, when they get angry, what is it that they can do to help you feel safe? Even if they raise their voice. Now, ideally they would try not to raise their voice, but helping them understand that maybe if they feel angry and they need to raise their voice, they need to just yell about something. Maybe if they go to another room and do it and then come whatever, it works for you. But coming to a mutually agreeable plan or resolution for addressing those triggers can be helpful. Maybe when they raise their voice, they say, you know, I'm feeling really angry right now, and I want you to recognize I love you and you're safe, but I am really angry about what you did, or I'm really angry about this situation. So helping them more effectively communicate that again that I love you, you are safe. Don't like the behavior, So identify why it is triggering as well. Not only what is triggering and what they can do differently, but why it is triggering. Explain to your partner. When I was growing up in my past relationship, I was expected to fix things and keep everything under control. Or else, and maybe give them an example of what that means. When things went wrong, I was blamed for them and made to feel guilty or ashamed. So maybe in your current relationship, when things go wrong, you start feeling very defensive, very guilty, very ashamed of, of yourself. You know, shame is a feeling that you are bad to the core. So it's important to understand what's going on. And so, so your partner can understand and not compound that feeling of guilt or shame, but remind you again that you are lovable, maybe the behavior not so much. And finally, again, how can your partner help you? How can your partner help? By identifying when you're reacting from your younger self, maybe pointing out, not saying your inner child's coming out. No, that's not helpful. Maybe saying something like, I'm wondering if you're responding this strongly because it's triggering your past or triggering your inner child. That's putting it out there as a question. I'm wondering if this is going on. And then you have the ability to say, yeah, you're right, or no, I'm really angry about what's going on in the present. What can your partner do to help you feel safe, just in general, but also during times and places and around people that make you feel vulnerable. How can your partner help you get grounded in the present moment when that inner child gets triggered? When those past schemas get triggered, your brain may start speed spinning because you may feel like you're back there again. So what can your partner do to help remind you to get grounded in the present moment? You're the one that's going to have to get grounded. But maybe they can have a keyword or a movement or something that they do in order to remind you, hey, let's stop for a second and focus. And then whatever you do to get grounded. For my son, one of the things that we work on is his stuttering. And when he gets too excited, he starts stuttering and cluttering a lot. And his occupational therapist pointed out what we need to do is develop a hand signal. So whenever he starts getting too excited and stuttering and cluttering, raising our hand just points out to him that, hey, stop, take a breath. And that has been very helpful for encouraging him to develop more self awareness of what's going on. But the same thing can be used if somebody is spiraling or flashing back, helping them recognize, hey, this is different. So what can you do to get grounded? Whether it's 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or whatever grounding exercise the person uses. And how can your partner help you identify and address your automatic beliefs? Using facts in the present context I hear how you're feeling right now, but what are the facts in the present context and do they line up now? I hear you're feeling anxious and angry right now. All right? That's how you're feeling. What are the facts in the present context? Is this something that deserves that level of anger or anxiety? Or are you reacting from a place in the past? Is your inner child reacting to the present moment? And how can your partner help you with cognitive restructuring, identifying exceptions or alternate explanations for what's going on? If the videos in this channel have been helpful for you, please support us in our mission to make practical content available to everyone. You can donate@docsnipes.com donate join the channel@docsnipes.com join or purchase a thanks on videos you particularly like. In relationships, it's important to start slowly. And in relationships, if you have a history of codependency, it's also important to start slowly. Don't info dump. You don't want to meet somebody and within the first week be like, okay, so I'm codependent and these are my diagnoses and these are all the things that I need you to do. In order for me to feel safe in the relationship, the other person's probably going to be completely overwhelmed. So starting slowly, begin with your own mindfulness. Begin with making sure that you have support outside. And I've done another video this week on how to have a healthy relationship with codependency, so refer to that one for things that you might be able to do to get you started. Once you're in a relationship with somebody and you've gotten past that initial phase, then sharing with them some of these things about codependency and talking with them about that can be super helpful. When your partner understands why you're reacting the way you are and what they can do to help, it opens lines of communication and empowers both of you. Remember again, a caring, supportive relationship is not codependent. Codependency is being caretaking and sacrificing to the extent that it causes you significant negative consequences. Other videos on codependency, both long and short, can be found@docsnipes.com cod on counseling and parenting children, doc snipes.com kids or on developing secure attachment@docsnipes.com attachment list.