20 Warning signs of a toxic relationship
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes outlines 20 warning signs of toxicity across physical, emotional, and communication patterns: stress symptoms, boundary violations, gaslighting, invalidation, excessive criticism, and imbalance of effort. She distinguishes between a partner's actual harmful behavior and reactions rooted in your own past, and notes that healing requires both people to commit to change.
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Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on how to tell if a relationship is toxic. I'm your host, Dr. Donald. Relationships should enhance each person, not tear them down. Relationships can be toxic for one or both people. So one person in the relationship may not see any problem with what's going on a lot of times because they are both what we'll call the offender, but the other person is experiencing it as very toxic. Other times you'll have both people who are bringing out the worst in each other, and it's toxic to both. Toxicity can be caused by a person's behaviors and response to the other person. So the way I respond to you or the way I treat you can be toxic. If that's the case, it is important. As long as it's safe, it is important to address it with the other person. Don't assume they recognize that what they're doing is hurtful or toxic or problematic for you. So it's important to effectively, assertively communicate what your perceptions are, what your experiences are when they do things, and what your needs are if you need them to do something differently. A person's behaviors in response to what they assume the other person is thinking or doing or going to do can also be toxic. But when somebody acts like this, it's based on their current core beliefs and schema that are formed from past experiences. So I may be in a very healthy relationship objectively, but because I've been in other unhealthy relationships, I'm constantly expecting this person to act the way the other person other people have done, so I treat them accordingly. I can be passive aggressive, I can be anxious, I can be clingy. I can be a lot of things. Whatever behaviors have I've used in the past in relationships. So when we look at toxic relationships, we want to look at, is the relationship toxic? Objectively, is this particular relationship toxic, or are one or both people in the relationship actually reacting based on prior experiences and expectations as opposed to current facts and current behaviors? So what are some signs that a relationship is toxic? Well, physically, is stress causing you physical distress? Are you having stomach aches, you know, you know, difficulty eating, difficulty with appetite, headaches, difficulty sleeping? Because of the stress in the relationships? Again, each one of these, I encourage you to ask yourself, is my stress caused by what is going on in this relationship at this point in time, or is my stress caused by what happened in prior relationships? And I'm afraid it's going to happen again. Really important difference. Do you feel physically drained after being around the person? Sometimes Other people can be exhausting because you're so afraid of setting them off. You're so. You're walking on eggshells and that can be draining. You're so hyper vigilant, you're on edge, you're looking around, you're trying to figure out what do I need to do to make this person happy, to keep this person happy again. And I'm going to say this so many times, is this the result of this person? Do they tend to fly off the handle, get irritable, rejecting, storm out, throw temper tantrums? Or did you learn to behave that way in relationships? So pretty much all your relationships are exhausting. Does the other person violate your physical boundaries? You know, this is a pretty clear cut one. If they are getting in your personal space and they are not respecting your physical boundaries, that's not okay. And do they exhibit controlling behaviors? They try to tell you where to go, who to be with, what you're supposed to eat, what you're supposed to think, what you're supposed to do. If they are excessively controlling, that tends to be very toxic. Affectively. What percentage of the time does the relationship bring you happiness? If you're stepping back and you're saying, yeah, I'm truly happy in this relationship about 15% of the time, well, then it's probably toxic in one way or another. Now it could be that this particular person is a bad fit for you or is toxic in some way. Or it could be that all your pressure, prior abandonment experiences and relationship stuff is keeping you from being able to be present in this relationship and creating toxic conditions where you might might actually be creating a self fulfilling prophecy. In what ways has the relationship, not your assumptions about the relationship, caused feelings of grief, anger, guilt, resentment? So look back over the relationship and find objective examples of when this something has happened that that's caused you distress. You know, if you're finding a lot of those examples in this relationship, if the facts are bearing out that this is a toxic relationship, if the facts are bearing out that more often than not you're unhappy, then it's probably toxic cognitively. If the other person engages in gaslighting, trying to convince you that what you think happened didn't really happen, and trying to manipulate you, then that is definitely very toxic. If the other person regularly invalidates your thoughts, wants and needs, that is very toxic in a relationship. And that's pretty. Again, that's another one of those things that's pretty objective. They either are validating and supportive and empathetic or they're invalidating. They're telling you what you think is wrong, what you feel is wrong, what you want is wrong, and that's not okay. Having your feelings, thoughts and needs are yours, and that's your boundary there. They may not agree with them, but it doesn't mean it's wrong for you. It's just not their perception. And if your attitudes and perceptions about other people and the world and yourself become increasingly negative and pessimistic when you're in this relationship, that's a good sign that it's toxic in terms of the relationship itself. If the other person is inconsistent in their ability to be present and responsive, you know, you expect them to show up. They don't show up. You know, it's kind of hit or miss. They'll ghost for a while, then they'll show back up whenever they feel like it. Or maybe they're there in body, but getting them to actually be responsive to your needs and pay attention, it's not happening. That's toxic. Lack of positive attention is also toxic. You don't want to be in a relationship in which the only time somebody pays attention to you is when you're in crisis. You want to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys spending time with you. If the relationship is characterized by high criticism, impossible to meet expectations, or talking to each other in condescending terms, that is very toxic. If you are the one doing the criticism and changing the expectations and being condescending, it may be a way that you're trying to keep that person feeling like they need you and keep them from abandoning you. But if you have that fear of abandonment, if you have a need to try to manipulate or convince the other person not to leave, then there's something else going on. You don't feel secure in that relationship, so there could be something toxic. Lack of encouragement. In relationships, we want to celebrate each other's successes and encourage one another to pursue our goals and dreams. And if that doesn't happen, if you feel like you're being held back, then that's potentially toxic. If you feel a lot of fear of abandonment whenever you're not together, or maybe even when you are together, if you have a lot of jealousy or mistrust, that is an indication that the relationship may be toxic. Again, looking at are these abandonment fears, is this jealousy, this uneasiness coming from prior experiences, and you're just expecting, expecting this person to abandon you? Or is this person actually doing something that is triggering your abandonment fears? Maybe they're being super secretive on their phone or they are ghosting or whatever the case may be. If you find that your self esteem has been going down since you've been in the relationship, or you start feeling unworthy of love, or you feel like you should be grateful that anybody would want to be in a relationship with you, that's definitely a sign that something toxic is going on. And if that your self esteem started to decline once you got into the relationship, it's a good sign that the relationship is probably toxic. Some people have low self esteem to begin with and that can cause them to have these feelings but before going into a relationship. But if your self esteem started to take a nosedive once you were in the relationship, that's a clue. If you communicate with each other using sarcasm, passive aggression, assumptions or mind reading. These are all horrible communication tools and indicate a sense of anger, threatening anxiety. I can't tell you exactly what I want, need, feel assertively for whatever reason, so I need to be sarcastic or try to get it in there passive aggressively. If there's envy or jealousy or disrespect, selfishness or an unbalanced energy expenditure, if you will, in the relationship, then those are other signs that it may be toxic. There are going to be times when one person is in crisis and the other person has to pick up the slack. My husband just got over being sick and he was really, really sick for over a week and so I needed to pick up the slack. Last year I had surgery and I wasn't able to do a lot of stuff and he picked up the slack. So it's not always a 50, 50, sometimes it's a 90 10, but then the pendulum swings back and when the other person is down, you pick up the pace. If that doesn't happen, if it's always 90, 10 or even 70, 30, you want to examine whether that is a healthy place for you to be. If you feel like you are getting what you need out of the relationship. If you bring out the worst in each other, then it's a toxic relationship. Ideally, just like, and I use this metaphor a lot, just like chocolate chip cookies. Love chocolate chip cookies. But you take a sugar cookie and that is good all by itself, thank you very much. You take chocolate and that is good all by itself, thank you very much. You put them together, they bring out the best in each other. That's really what you want in a relationship, is to bring out the best in one another. And if you're feeling more like you're combining jalapenos with a sugar cookie, that's probably pretty gross. You don't want to bring out the worst in each other, and you don't want to live your life constantly with somebody who brings out the worst in you, who's constantly trying your nerves and your patience and making you feel bad about yourself or feel angry or insecure. And finally, if you find that you're losing friends, a lot of times, friends will stick around for a little while when there's a toxic relationship and they may say, you know what? What you're going through is really unhealthy. I really don't like what I'm seeing when the two of you are together. Maybe both of you independently are wonderful human beings, but when you get together, it's like oil and water. They may give their advice, they may give their input for a while, but at a certain point, they may set some boundaries because they don't want to continue to enable the toxic relationship. Most relationships go through rough patches. Not all relationships can or should be saved. To heal a toxic relationship with both, people need to commit to addressing the toxic behaviors.
