4 Little Tips for Big Success in Relationships

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on 4 Little Tips for big success in relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. People are complex and relationships between people are even more complex. You're taking two complex things and you're trying to make them work together. So that's not going to be easy. I wish it were, but it's not. So let's talk about some things that you might be able to start doing today to improve your relationship. Relationships pretty quickly. The first one is have a present focus. Based on your experiences, you have formed expectations about people. You have formed expectations about what people are thinking, needing, wanting, expecting based on just the fact that they're people or based on certain non verbals they give or based on certain situations. Well, that's great. That's shorthand. It gives you a way to anticipate what might be needed in a particular situation. It doesn't necessarily mean it is what is needed in this situation at this time. Which is why present focus is so important. Projection is when someone reminds you of someone in your past and you assume that person in the present is going to behave the same way. So if you run into somebody, let's use a positive example, you run into somebody that reminds you of your first love and so you start to idolize them in the present moment. Well, they may not deserve that idolization. So it's important to really look at the present moment and think, okay, well this person might end up being just as wonderful as that person. But I don't know that in the present moment. I need to take my expectations and use those to inform my decision decisions. But I also need to take in information from the present, from what's going on with this person at this time to figure out if I'm accurate. When you start to have a reaction to someone or they to you, it's important to check the facts in context. What is similar about this situation or about this person? To my prior experiences, what is different about this situation and about this person to my prior experiences, chances are no two situations are going to be exactly the same. And how are you similar to the person you were in those prior situations? And how are you different than the person you were in those prior situations? So it's important to recognize that change is constant. Change is inevitable. You are different. There may be some similarities, they may be different, but there may be some similarities. So it's important to really get all the facts to get this nice three dimensional picture. It's important to respect that everybody has a past. You Have a past that formed your expectations, your friends, your significant others. Everybody has a past that formed their expectations. So we're going to have reactions to people, initial reactions to people that are based on our past. Because we have no data to work with, we gather data as we get to know them. In the present, we need to respect that people's reactions may have been very valid in the past. So when somebody gave you a particular look, or if some, you were in a relationship with somebody and they came home and they were drunk and they used to be an angry drunk, okay, so getting anxious when somebody in the present becomes drunk, that makes sense. In the past, that was a dangerous situation. So respecting that your reaction was valid in the past is important. You also have to respect that it may not be accurate in the present, but we also have to respect other people's reactions to us. Things that we do may trigger their anger, may trigger their fear, may trigger their suspicion, and that may be because of their prior experiences. And we have to respect that and recognize, hey, I just did something that triggered something in you that made you feel unsafe. I didn't mean to do that. I am respecting the fact that even though I'm not unsafe, even though I'm not intending to be unsafe, I am respecting the fact that you are having a reaction because you felt unsafe. It reminded you of the past. It's important to respect the people, both you and the other person in the present by checking the facts in context. Don't hold them responsible for somebody else's mistakes. Okay, I'm feeling anxious or I'm getting suspicious that you are going to abandon me, that you're going to hurt me in some way. All right, I respect and I recognize that reaction, but I also respect you and, and I'm going to say, all right, I don't know if you intend me harm. In the past, similar situations been really no good. I'm going to respect you and not automatically hold you responsible or expect that you're going to do the wrong thing. Respect the other person by helping them understand, to the extent needed, your reaction. So if somebody does something and it just triggers you and triggers anger, triggers anxiety, whatever it does, it triggers a stress reaction, triggers that fight or flight reaction in you. It's very helpful to let them know, to help them understand to the extent needed what, what's going on. They don't need all the nitty gritty details, especially, you know, if you're just in a casual relationship. But it can be helpful to let them know when you did that. It reminded me of a time in my past that was, you know, really scary or it triggered my I got angry for a minute because it reminded me of something in my past. That can help them understand your reaction and be more sensitive to it. If they understand, if they make this look or do this thing, it triggers a stress reaction, then they're likely not going to want to do that again. They're going to say, oh, I'm sorry, you know, what can I do differently? How can I help you feel safe? Help us continue to make practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@doc snipes.com donate or at cash app Doc Snipes. You can become a member of the YouTube channel@doc snipes.com join or you can purchase a super thanks on any of the videos that are particularly helpful. Or if you happen to need continuing education, you can get it@allce.com so the next tip is to be temperamental. I know, right? What I mean by that is recognize your temperament. Recognize and respect their temperament. Two people who have very different temperaments can, can do very well in relationships. If you respect each other's differences and you synergize instead of trying to force them to be like you, you know, you don't necessarily both want the same thing. Okay, well, how can we mutually be happy? How can we communicate so we both feel respected? Extroverts, for example, like to be a. Generally like to be around people, like to draw energy from being around people. What where introverts find it really exhausting to be around large groups of people. So what happens when an extrovert and an introvert get in a relationship together? They can't do anything together. No, that's not true. But they need to be sensitive. If you're an extrovert, maybe you do more things, you know, by yourself. Or when you do go out, you minimize the time. Instead of going out for eight hours, you know, you go to a party for an hour. There are a lot of different ways you can compromise. But respecting each person's temperamental preferences is so important to making the relationship work. Judgers, for example, are highly structured. Perceivers are, are highly spontane, spontaneous. So if you put those two people in a relationship, you know, how can you respect each other? In my relationship, you know, I schedule in spontaneous time. I schedule in times where I don't know exactly what's going to happen. It's just like, okay, we're going to go do something fun for the afternoon on Saturdays I. I know the afternoon on Saturdays is going to be, you know, kind of open instead of having every single minute scheduled. That helps me the judger and that helps my husband, who is much more spontaneous, not feel like we're doing the same thing every single day and we're scheduled to, you know, to the very minute. I do have a lot of videos on the YouTube channel on understanding temperament and working with temperament and relationships. So I'm not going to do a deep dive on that here. Number three, please stop mind reading and stop expecting it. Even if you have similar temperaments, you're still individuals. It's important to ask for what you need. Don't assume your partner knows what what you need. The whole, well, if you cared about me, you'd know what I need. No, that's not exactly true. It's important to ask for what you need. That's not a sign of weakness. If your partner can't read your mind, it's not a sign that they don't care. It's a sign that they're not able to read your mind. So ask for it. In our family, we keep ongoing lists on Amazon, for example, for gifts. So at Christmas or at holidays or whatever, when our loved ones want to get gifts, they don't have to guess what we want. They don't have to read our mind. It's right there. So it's important. Tell people how you want it done, if you want the kitchen cleaned or the room cleaned. Know I went through this when I was raising my kids. My idea of a clean room and their idea of a clean room were very different. So it was important for me to explain to them what I meant. What does a room look like when it's clean? So we get it clean and I take a picture. You know, granted, they were kids at this point and I take a picture and I'd say, this is what I'm looking for. When I come to look to see if you did your chores, tell them how you want it done. Because everybody has different definitions. Ask them what their preferences are. What do you prefer? Don't assume that just because somebody's graduating they want a huge graduation party. You know, that that may be overwhelming. If they're an introvert, you know, that goes back to that temperament. So ask them what their preferences are. Ask them, what would you like to do today? What. What would you like for dinner? What is your preference? It doesn't mean they're necessarily going to get it, but at least you're asking. You're not assuming that you know, that they don't want to have pizza for the fourth day in a row. Maybe they do. I'd eat pizza four days in a row. Ask them how they want it done. I already talked about, you need to tell people how you want it done. But if you're doing something for somebody, ask them how they want it done. If you're giving your partner a back rub, how do you want it done? Do you want deep pressure? Do you want light pressure? You know, what is it? Do you want me to rub in a particular area? Communication is so important and listen to understand, not be heard. When we mind read, people start talking and we assume we know what they're going to say. So we start formulating our response before they even finish thinking. Because we assume we, we've read their mind, we know what they're getting ready to say, and a lot of times that's not accurate. So please stop. Listen to understand what the person's saying. Listen to hear what the person is saying and worry less about what, how you're going to respond. Worry less about being heard here first. In this, you know, mind reading, we also have love languages. When somebody wants support, when one of their love languages is support, encouragement, space, what does that look like? What? When their love language is quality time, you know, what does that look like to them? What. What does it mean, quality time? Does that mean both of us sitting on the couch watching TV together, or does that mean no digital devices and we're out hiking in the woods and actually communicating? What does quality time look like to you? Acts of service. What's helpful? You know, acts of service are great and they can come from the right place, they can come from the heart. But if they're, if somebody's doing something for you that you don't want them to do, you know, I'll do it for myself, thank you very much. Then it can actually be a hindrance instead of a help. So tell them what's helpful. What is an act of service that's helpful to you? And if they're doing something, trying to be helpful but you don't want them to do it, it's important to tell them that because again, they may be trying to do it from the right place. Touch is another one of those things. Sometimes people don't want to be touched. So it's important to communicate. When is it okay, when is it not okay? And then I already talked about gifts. Don't expect people to read your mind about when you want gifts or what gift that you want. I'M one of those people who is not a big fan of cut flowers because they just die. And you know, I hate people spending a bunch of money on something that's just going to die in two weeks. So I like potted plants. You know, that's a gift. That's something that I love. I love potted plants. But a lot of people, you know, florists make a living because there's a lot of people that love cut flowers. So it's important was important for me to communicate early in our relationship that hey, I'd really prefer a potted plant than cut flowers. And respect boundaries. Everybody's got boundaries. And remember we've talked about this in other videos. Boundaries are like your house and not everybody is going to be given a key and allowed free roam. So it's important to respect people's boundaries with regard to physical touch. What are they comfortable with? And where. Some people are not comfortable with public displays of affection, some people are. Eye contact, how much is too much? Affective and cognitive boundaries and that's respecting how your significant other feels and what their thoughts and opinions are. You may not agree with them, but respecting that those are their that person's thoughts and feelings based on their experiences. Okay, environmental boundaries is respecting people's stuff. Don't take it without permission, don't get rid of it without permission or their mail, their email, their texts, this is a boundary. If you are digging in to people's mail and snooping around or their email or their texts, that's a boundary violation. And schedules respect people's boundaries with their schedules. If they say I don't have time to do that or I have to do this thing over here. Respecting their boundaries, respecting their schedule and saying okay, I hear that's important to you, is important in life and being respectful of their time, you. I always hate when I go to the doctor's office and my appointments at 8:15 and I don't get called back until 9 o'. Clock. You know, that's not being respectful of my schedule, of my boundaries and relationships. Respect people's boundaries with regard to how they relationship and I don't know that's not really a sentence. But some people prefer to go out in large groups. Some people prefer to be in intimate relationships one on one. Some people prefer to have very well defined relationships with lots of labels, others not. But it's important that we respect how people relationship and who they're friends with. You may not love everybody's friends, you know, your friends, maybe your friends, but you may not like their friends. Okay, well that may mean that you're not hanging out with their friends. Doesn't mean you can't be friends with that person. And it's kind of hard to do without drawing it out. But you don't have to like everybody your significant other likes and but it's important to allow them to maintain their relationships with those people. Again, communicate. Don't assume it's so important to communicate your boundaries and not assume that people know that how you feel about public displays of affection or how you relationship etc. It takes two to tango. I heard that so many times when I was growing up from my mother. But each person must take care not to step on the other person's feet. So see people out there doing a dance, doing a tango. And yes, it takes two people to make that dance. It takes two people for a relationship or more. But each person has to be conscious of their own space and how they affect everyone else so you don't step on each other's feet too often. We assume that those people we like or who like us are exactly like us or know exactly what we need. And that just ain't right. Respect and open communication go a long way to ensuring the success of a relationship.