4pm EST Live Q & A with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes | 12 MORE of Yoda's Rules for Living

Okay. Now as you know, I start out with a little bit of a presentation to give people time to log in before the Q and A. So I'm going to go ahead and get started with that and I will at the end share some of the quotes that y' all shared with me that did not make this presentation. So that being said, no further ado. Today we are Talking about Yoda's 12 one more rules for living. Even when I was making the presentation, I had a hard time cutting it down to just 12 this time, Remember from last week, Practices for a rich and meaningful life can be found in a variety of different doctrines, including that of the Jedi. And one of you actually recommended a book called the Dharma of Star wars. And I haven't gotten it yet, but I am looking forward to reading it anyhow. Some of these quotes come from the movies, some from the books. There are many others that are also worth pondering. So, you know, go online, you can search for the Dharma of Star wars, the Dharma of the Jedi, Yoda quotes, whatever. Not everyone embraces a particular doctrine, so looking to popular culture can provide a non threatening way of beginning to approach topics and finding common ground. We won't agree on everything, but what are some things that we can agree on? And I think a lot of these principles that we talk about are pretty ubiquitous. I encourage you to explore your life doctrine to identify ways it is similar to other doctrines, including that of the Jedi. And one of my favorite ones, I think I say it at least two or three times a week in my house still is do or do not. There is no try. And this kind of refers to integrity and earnestness. When we do things, we need to put it in our head that we are going to either do it or we're not going to do it. If we say we're going to try to do it, we might do it. There's not a lot of motivation that gives us some wiggle room, that gives us an out. And it also doesn't hold us accountable for anything. So do or do not. And if you do and you fail, okay, so you learn something. If you do and you succeed again, you learn something so wonderful. Number two, like reflections in the mirror, thoughts are clouds passing in the sky, but not the clouds. The sky is so desires, memories, imagination, they all come and go. This is something that Hays talks about in acceptance and commitment therapy, that we don't want to get too hooked to our thoughts and to our feelings. We want to unhook from them because they pass and you know, Linehan refers to it somewhat in dialectical behavior therapy, recognizing that if we tolerate the distress, that urges will come in and then they will subside. To be a Jedi is to face the truth and choose. Give off light or darkness. Padawan be a candle or the night. And this really to me refers to purposeful action and your attitude. You can choose to give off hope, to give off optimism, to give off enthusiasm, to focus on what's good in the world. I'm not saying toxic positivity because I know that's going to be one of the first comments. I'm saying recognize that with good there is always bad. There's always a yin and a yang. So we can choose to embrace and enhance the light and not feed the darkness, or we can choose the other way. Number four, Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view. So true. And this means being open or I take it as meaning. It's important for us to be open to recognize that each person's truth may be different and we may not have the actual full truth because we don't have all of the information. We haven't been able to see all of the perspectives. Likewise, people may interpret situations differently based on their prior experience experiences and our prior experiences, our schema shape our perceptions of situations. So something that is non threatening to me, like snakes now may be very threatening to someone else. And for them their truth is that snakes are dangerous because that is their what their knowledge is. At this point in time they don't have all the knowledge they that you know, certain snakes aren't dangerous. For me, living on a farm and having a son who loves snakes, I have learned to appreciate snakes. Are they my favorite creature? No. But I have. I have developed a respect for them. And so my truth is different from someone else's truth because I have different experience experiences, different knowledge and a different point of view about snakes. Number five. Close your mouth and open your ears. You must then hear what your true heart is seeking you will. This really cuts to the crux of mindfulness. When we are talking, when we are seeking, when we are constantly going, when we're scrolling mindlessly on the Internet, we are not listening to ourselves. We're distracting ourselves. In order to be aware of our thoughts, wants and needs, we need to be still. We need to be still so we can notice. 6. Easy it becomes to be false in big things. If false you are. And small ones. Truthfulness and authenticity is kind of where I think this one falls. If you start telling small lies Small half truths. Then it becomes a little bit easier and sometimes even necessary in order to maintain the earlier lies to tell bigger lies. So think of it as crossing that line. If you cross this line, then you know it's not as far to cross this next line and it just becomes easier and easier to commit bigger and bigger offenses. Number seven. Through enjoyment life grows. Joy is the sutra. Be joyful and grateful whatsoever you have. The whole question is this in the world? Doing what? Are you participant in it? Are you or a watcher? Earnestness is the virtue that I kind of assigned to this one because Yoda's really talking about being grateful and being a participant in the world instead of sitting back and watching the world go by noticing it, participating and drinking it in enhancing the good and mitigating the bad. Number eight. Share, give and given to you, more will be. Now, if you are Christian, this sounds very similar to some things that are from the New Testament, but I digress. So share, give and given to you, more will be be a miser, do not give and less will be given to you because need it, you do not. I think this really applies to that abundance mindset. When we give away, we are convincing ourselves that we have enough that we can share. When we are holding on to things, when we have this mentality of scarcity, we tend to hoard things and then we don't need anything to be given to us. So if we're not sharing, people are not going to share with us. If we're not helping people, people are not likely going to help us in return. So this abundance mindset can be really empowering. The more you share, the more abundant your resources and your supports become. And it's exponential. 9. To defeat an enemy, you do not have to kill. Defeat the rage that burns in him and he is your enemy no longer. Rage, the true enemy is. This really applies to love and compassion. A lot of times when people are rageful, remember, rage is like an extreme anger. Anger is part of fight or flight. Anger happens. Rage happens when we feel threatened. So if we are kind of, if we help defeat the rage, if we diffuse the threat, then the person is not going to have that reaction to us any longer. So we want to examine, you know, what is this person's reaction to us telling us? It may not be about us. It could be a projection from their past. So for example, law enforcement officers. Some people see a law enforcement officer and just become enraged. And that may be because of prior bad experiences that they're projecting onto this current person. And this current person may be, you know, just a stand up person. So it's important to recognize that not everybody's current emotional reactions necessarily have to do with the current situation. Situation in reality, however they their reality is one of threat. And it's important to recognize that even if you don't intend them any harm, they are perceiving harm. They're expecting, they're anticipating harm. So it's important to consider how can I diffuse this so they can see me as a helper and not a threat. 10. To your misery Never pay too much attention. Because if you pay attention, feeding it you are. Attention is food. I love food. I like attention too. But there are a lot of adages about feeding, choosing which wolf we feed, choosing which things we give our energy to. Because if we pay attention to misery, if we dwell on misery, then we're nourishing that misery. If we acknowledge it and then identify what else is going right, identify what we can do to improve the next moment, then the misery tends to deflate. We're not feeding it, we're actually stealing energy from it to improve the next moment and to use our energy for things to which we are committed in our rich and meaningful life. 11. Tremendously beautiful this life is, but only those who live it can know it. No other way. There is awe and wonder really kind of sum up what this one is talking about. Too often we go through life on autopilot, not noticing what's going on, not noticing the beauty of things. And you can't recognize how beautiful it is unless you stop and smell the proverbial roses. Take time when each day when you're walking, you know, even when you're driving. And yes, pay attention to what you're doing when you're driving. But you can also notice what is going on around you when you're riding on the subway or on the bus or walking into a store. Notice the birds, even the birds in the parking lot at the Dollar General or the Walmart or wherever you go. Notice how cute they are. Notice what's around you and the things that you don't generally pay attention to. You can even direct yourself to look for three things that make you happy. You know, I love the number three. You can choose one if you want to. But setting a goal for yourself to look for three things that make you happy can help you turn your attention. Even though something may not be going well here, you may be having a bad day at work, forcing yourself to also notice that in the midst of this distress, there is also Good can help balance it out. 12. On many long journeys I have gone and waited too, for others to return from journeys of their own. Some return, some are broken, some come back so differently. Only their names remain. This one reminds me that everything changes. So we don't want to assume zoom. And this can be. They may come back so differently because they've improved, they've worked on their selves, they have changed for the better. Some people change for the worse. That's true. But it's important to recognize that we are all in a state of change. The world, life, existence changes from moment to moment. And we don't want to assume that what was true yesterday is necessarily a hundred percent accurate today. And you can argue some of that. But, but do consider, you know, I recognize this when people would come in, when I worked in residential treatment, people would come in and they would work their butts off for 30 or 60 days and their family wouldn't know how to react to them, wouldn't. They discharged because their family wouldn't participate in family ed. And when they discharged, they were so different that their family almost didn't recognize them. 13. The more we learn, the more we discover how much we do not know. I love this one too. I love all of these. But when I went to graduate school, you know, it was graduate school. So I thought when I graduated I would be, you know, know, have all this knowledge. And once I got out of graduate school and into into my residencies, I started to realize how much I really didn't know. And then because I love research, you know, I discovered Pub pubmed and discovered how much more I really didn't know. But I love to learn. And so the more I learn, the more I recognize that I don't really know all that much. And that kind of puts me in my place, but it also inspires me to learn more, to ask more questions. So some other questions, quotes that you guys liked, wars not make one great. And that kind of goes back. There was another one here about rage. And wars often come from rage. People feeling threatened, so they feel like they must dominate. And it takes a lot of courage to compromise. And I think that's what Yoda was referring to there. Being mindful, being aware and being willing to seek to compromise and cooperate and instead of necessarily conquer. There is another where somebody, where Yoda was talking about Leia if, if Luke dies. So recognizing that when we break up, when somebody, you know, leaves, there often is another. And for some people that can provide hope that they will have someone to Be with in the future. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering and more fear. And this is, this is true. It reminds me of one of the quotes that we had last week. It's not the exact same thing, but it is similar. That anger and fear lead to the dark side. Anger and fear are threat responses. When we are acting in our fight or flight mode, we are acting in what we call our default mode, which is separate from our logical, rational mind. We are operating in our primitive get me the heck out of here so I can be safe sort of place. And that's often not a place where we're thinking through the consequences of our actions. So fear can lead to anger. So we lash out and anger can lead to hate. So we start getting even more angry, feeling more threatened, and then we start getting isolated and looking around and all we're noticing is distress. Because when we're in fight or flight mode, our brain is programmed to notice the threats and ignore the bunny rabbits. You must let go of all that you fear. You must let go of all that you fear to lose. And Yoda had a couple of different quotes that were very similar to this as well. And it's important to consider your attachments to things and how that will impact you if you lose them. What would happen, you know, when my, when my mother passed away, you know, that was devastating. But if I would have hung on to my fear of losing her, recognizing that it was going to happen, I would have missed out on the time that I had, you know, that, the good time that I had to celebrate with her. So it was important. Important to be able to appreciate and enjoy the moment. And somebody else point submitted a Stuart Smalley quote, which I'll throw in anyway. I'm good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. So those were the quotes. And I do appreciate you guys participating in the. In the chat. That was really, really awesome to see those other quotes. And whoever recommended the Dharma of Star Wars, I will be reading that. So thank you. Hello, Ed Smith, Angel, Andy J. Day, Sandy, Bilal, Grace, Patricia, Roro, and Zoe. And yes, I'm getting my. I'm going to the optometrist next week, so hopefully I won't be squinting at all your names come, come November, once I get my good glasses back. In answer to Andy's question, how do you stop toxic positivity? I actually have a video on that, but really briefly, recognizing that there is good and bad and there's a difference between tragic optimism and toxic positivity. Toxic positivity ignores the bad, prevents people from processing or coping with the bad, and just says, chin up, it'll get better. Ignore it. And that's not helpful. We need to be able to experience our feelings and process them while still having hope that things will get better. And that's where tragic optimism comes into play. When other people are being toxically positive, often it's coming from a place of caring, and they don't know what else to say. Trying to hear their intentions in what they say can be helpful for dealing with it in a way that doesn't end up coming out as offensive or critical. Because a lot of times if somebody's trying to be toxically positive, you're hurting. So it's hard to be tactful and say, you know, that's not really helpful. So try to understand where it's coming from. You know, they're. They're trying to. They don't want you to hurt. And even as clinicians, we have a hard time with that, especially young clinicians, because they want to take the pain away from the people that they're seeing. And that's not our job. Our job is to help you learn that you can tolerate it, learn. Learn how to endure it, learn how to cope with it and work through it on your own so you, when you're ready and you're able, can give it away. And as clinicians, our job is to be able to support you through that process, not to take your pain away. But that's a whole different. A whole different issue. And sometimes, as Nancy points out, you need to get to a point where you are willing to. Except that you can't control a lot of things in your life. And I actually. Hang on. I'm gonna lean down. Just got this book, and I'm not recommending it or not recommending it because I haven't read it, but it's called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F. You know what? So I'm looking forward to reading it. It was actually. It's evidently sold over 3 million copies, so we'll see what it has to say. But there is a need sometimes to recognize that we can't control other people. And they do often come in and out of our lives not because of us, but because of their own stuff. And I'm glad you felt empowered, J Day, to take active steps. If you felt. Since it sounds like you felt invalidated and not understood, that is important for you to be able to figure out what you need to do to stay safe. If that therapist was regularly trying to take away your pain instead of helping you figure out how to work with it and how to empathize. For the toxic positivity as well as for the Abundance mindset, I do have couple of videos on the YouTube channel so you can just go to the little search box and search for those on the All CEU's education homepage or if you do it on the main YouTube page, just put in you know like Abundance mindset and all CEUs and then that'll help bring my video up with the rest of the videos that come up. Are there any other questions that you have for me today? This was kind of one of those lighter presentations that I did. I am going to also ask you what topics you would like to have videos on in the coming months. I've done videos on a lot of things now so I I do have a request for doing one on current medicinal uses of certain types of drugs and the. What else do I have? I have a 10 session or attend video series that will be coming out on creating a trauma informed workplace and that's for everyone, not just necessarily for behavioral health places in order to help prevent burnout. So that could be those could be interesting. But I think I'm going to spread those out. So for people who aren't interested in it, I'm still putting out content that y' all are interested in. So yoga healing. I'm not sure if I am quite understanding the question. I do have a video on dissociation that can be that may be helpful when when it comes to feeling disconnected, but it sounds like there may be more than that. So I will ponder that question and see about putting a video out on feeling disconnected, not dissociated, but just like you don't fit in like other people just don't understand you or get you in terms of borderline personality disorder. I do have several videos out there Yuan and you may check if you Google or not google. If you look search on YouTube for living with someone with BPD. I have a five session series of videos that deal with living with someone with borderline personality disorder. So that's actually one of my more favorite topics to talk about. So if you have other more specific questions about bpd, you can put those on the community tab and I will add that to the list of videos to do. In terms of narcissistic people, Is there any hope for them to change? Well, they have to be motivated for change. What they're doing has to be sufficiently unpleasant or unrewarding for them. That's the crux of change, because people are not going to change for no reason, because change is hard. And so the short answer to your question is if that person starts experiencing enough distress from their behaviors, then they may be willing to examine what their part is in it. But check out the video that I have on narcissism, because sometimes narcissism is a reaction to feeling unsafe and it's a lot of bluster in order to try to protect themselves from either rejection or abandonment or whatever else. So there are a lot of videos and Kati Morton actually has a lot of videos, as does Medcircle on on dealing with narcissism. When you notice that a significant other has behaviors that are problematic for you, it's important to be assertive and authentic with them about it. Not critical, not diagnosing, but identifying for them. I feel very stressed out when this happens, or I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, as the book says, because I'm not sure sometimes what I'm going to say or do that's going to make you angry. Being authentic with them about that, maybe offering to talk with them and get a better understanding of what's going on, and sometimes even offering to go to couples counseling can be helpful. Now, whether they're going to accept couples counseling or not, you know, it's kind of a crapshoot. But it's important to own your feelings and present an assertive statement about your observations and feelings about the behavior. What is the behavior? How does it affect you? And how would changing the behavior improve things for you, help you feel better? So the focus still needs to be on you in order to prevent that person from starting to feel defensive. Especially if they do struggle with borderline personality, they are often very hypersensitive to criticism. So it's important to try to own it as much as possible and recognize, you know, figure out how to process your feelings and what you need to do to stay safe emotionally, mentally and physically in that relationship. How do you get over fear and anger? That is a loaded question. Remember, fear and anger are part of our flight and fight. I don't know why we say fear and anger and then fight or flight, but either way, sorry, they're part of our threat response. So if somebody is feeling fear and anger regularly, what it tells me is they're feeling unsafe, they're feeling like there's a threat to them, to their safety, to their integrity, to their self esteem, whatever, but they're feeling like there's a threat to them. And it's going to be important to identify the threats and process those. I do have a video on the YouTube channel for best practices for anxiety treatment that talks about a lot of the other things that contribute to physiological anxiety symptoms. A lot of times anxiety, and I know some of you hate hearing it, but a lot of times anxiety can be traced back to past traumas. So it is important to be aware of that and consider whether you need to process that with a counselor or clergy or someone. So the first thing is to recognize that that is a response to feeling unsafe and disempowered. The second to kind of explore where that's coming from. And the third would be to try to figure out what you need to do so you can feel safe and empowered. Do you need to develop new coping skills? Do you need to develop new supports? Do you need to develop a better ability to communicate assertively in order to get your needs met? You know, there's a lot of things that could be there that could be triggering that, that fear and anxiety. So check that out. I also have a video that's a 10 session protocol for anger management that may be helpful to give you some other ideas for identifying early warning signs of anger so you can intervene early instead of waiting to the until you're at the boiling point. I have several videos on codependency on the YouTube channel, so check those out. And if there are other specific things regarding codependency that you are interested in learning about, please let me know. I will be putting out another one as it relates to insecure attachment, probably in the next month or two. Santa? What I believe about determinism is less important than what the person believes. Each person is born with their own temperament. They're born with their own genetics, they're born with their own predispositions. But let's take schizophrenia for example. There are a lot of people who are born with a predisposition or, or the ability and increased likelihood of developing schizophrenia. But they never have an issue, they never have a stressor that precipitates a psychotic break. So just because they are predisposed to it doesn't mean they're going to develop it. I view most things in a similar sort of way. It depends on so many different factors that I think people do have some ability if they believe they have the ability. And some of that's cultural. Some cultures are very clear about the routes that the parents are very clear about routes children are going to take. And out of respect for their, for their elders, they conform to that path. So in those cases, determinism is more prominent in other cultures where the parents are saying you can be anything you want to be, then you know, there, there tends to be more divergence, if you will, from that. In terms of EMDR for processing ptsd, I think it's wonderful. I am not certified in it. I have referred many clients to EMDR therapy and there's actually virtual EMDR now that one of my clients is using and has said it has been hugely helpful. You know, you can choose what, what you think is most appropriate for you, especially dealing with PTSD type issues. I think it's advised to do it in session with a therapist. That way you have a safety net should you start to feel overwhelmed. But the research is remarkable on the effects. So I think even though we don't understand a hundred percent how it works, we have seen a large effect size in, in the research. So I'm all about it. For people who are looking for a way to help them address some of their, especially their physiological responses to their stressful thoughts. Andy I really haven't thought about self gaslighting, so I will have to ponder that one a little bit. In terms of dealing with traumatic experiences caused by, well, anything, the first thing to remember is trauma takes away our sense of safety and empowerment. So the first thing that I think is important to do is regain a sense of safety and empowerment because it's going to feel when you're processing the stuff, the abuse, the neglect, the loss, the whatever that is going to make you feel very vulnerable. And it's going to be hard to open up and be vulnerable if you don't feel safe first. So the first step is developing safety and empowerment so you know that you're safe and you can handle whatever's coming along, you know, you've got support. And then starting to identify the impact of the emotional abuse and, or the experience. In this case, you're talking about emotional abuse, identifying the impact of the emotional abuse or the trauma so you can see what it's doing and hopefully set a goal so you can see what it'll look like when you finish processing that. And then in terms of emotional abuse in particular, processing, you know, what happened, what was said to you, what does that mean? What did that mean to you? What does it mean in retrospect? Do you believe what was said? Was it accurate back then? May, may have been, may not have been, may have been said unkindly. I don't know but processing it and processing that information now, is that information accurate and helpful now? And is that person a safe person to be around now? And there are a lot of other things that I process with clients when we start talking about emotional abuse. But it is essential to start recognizing because a lot of times emotional abuse gets internalized and becomes our negative inner criticism. And we need to be able to talk back to it and say, that's not accurate. I don't believe that. And here's what I believe. I'm not really sure what you mean, Myra, by an avoider and a vacillator. Can you clarify that for me? Why don't we trust our intuition? A lot of times we don't trust our intuition because we've been taught not to. And that is part of the mindlessness of our society. We have been told, don't talk, don't think, don't trust, just do what I say and don't ask questions. So we've been taught to ignore our intuition for so long that. That a lot of times when it starts creeping up, we don't know what to do with it. I've talked in other videos about head, heart and gut. Honesty and gut is your intuition. Head is how it makes logical sense. Heart is how it makes you feel, and your gut is your spidey senses that kind of say, yeah, this is good, or no, something, something's not right here. How do I handle being an introvert when I don't want to be? Well, being an introvert means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And an introvert as a temperament is an innate self of ways of reacting and preferring the world to be. Introverts tend to get stressed out in big crowds. It's not that they have social anxiety. It's not that they're stressed out by people. It's just when they're around people, it's exhausting because they've just got all this input coming in. Introverts tend to do deep dives on topics. You know, they want to know everything about a particular topic, which. So then they become an expert. But not everybody kind of joins them in that fascination with one particular topic. Introverts tend to dislike being interrupted and need some downtime to regroup each day. And so I think of introverts as how we gain energy and how the types of environments that we prefer. Introverts tend to prefer quieter, more serene environments. Now, if that's the type of introvert you're talking about, thinking about what it is that you don't like about that is not going to change who you are, but it might increase your tolerance of more extroverted environments. Don't throw yourself headlong into huge groups or public speaking in front of a hundred people or something because that's going to be overwhelming. But if you feel comfortable around maybe a group of two or four people, well, great. So maybe try upping that to six or eight people or two or four of you getting together at a coffee shop where there's other people milling around because that ups the ante for an introvert that tends to be more stressful even if they're not interacting with the other people. It's just a lot of sensory input. So you can start gradually upping your ability to tolerate being in more extroverted settings, if you will. You can also embrace and I know you said you don't want to be an introvert, but I would also encourage you to consider the benefits that being an introvert has for things. For example, you know, one of my introverted qualities, I don't have a lot, but one of them is that I do deep dives on things. If I start learning about mindfulness or, you know, whatever, I am going to pull up everything I can find on mindfulness and order every book I can find on it. So, you know, I recognize that not everybody's going to do that, but then I feel more confident and more well versed and able to discuss it in the presence of other introverts as well as extroverts. Extroverts tend to know a little bit about a lot of things. So, you know, in a room of 10 extroverts, if we're talking about mindfulness, they may know 10 different facts about mindfulness. But since I've done the deep dive, I probably am familiar with all ten of those facts. I embrace it. But more to your question is increasing your tolerance for non preferential environments? Humira. I don't have enough information about how to answer the question about suggesting to people to form new relationships. There's just so much else I would need to know that. Yeah, I don't feel comfortable even, even addressing that. Hello, Deb Say D. Willis. Yes, I very much think inner child work is beneficial. Whether you call it your inner child or your inner self or however you want to identify it. I have worked with people who have conceptualized it and part of it is just conceptualizing that hurt part of you a lot of times that part of you that was neglected, abused, traumatized and got kind of boxed up and Set on a shelf. So it's this unresolved stuff that comes out. And I, and I have seen that when that unresolved stuff gets triggered, the person tends to react as if they were that age. So if they were abandoned or, and neglected when they were 10, they may react. When they feel threatened with abandonment now, Even though they're 40, they may react with, as a 10 year old might. So, so I think it's, I think it's a very valid concept. Not everybody agrees with me, but you know, that's why psychology is part, part art, because part of it, part of psychology is helping people find a way to conceptualize what's going on with them in a way that's meaningful for them. How to shift focus on things that we want to conquer while doing other things. I'm thinking you're asking how to shift focus when we're, when we've got an issue that we're thinking about. Maybe we're working on grief. And how do you divert your attention so you can get your other stuff done, like work? And one technique that can be helpful is thought stopping where you just tell yourself, I'm not going to think about that right now. Another technique that goes along with that can be scheduling in time. So you can tell yourself, I'm not going to think about that right now. That is what I do at 6 o'. Clock. You can also write it down and put it in an envelope, put it in a box, whatever, and go back to it. Know that you're going to go back to it at whatever time during the day, whatever time you've set it scheduled to address that issue. That way, the little conscience, or whatever you want to call it inside your head isn't continuing to remind you about it. You've already said, yes, I hear you, I've got you on the schedule. We're just not dealing with it right now. Parental alienation is very challenging and parental alienation is a form of child psychological abuse. And I have a video on that, I know surprise. On the YouTube channel to look at the characteristics of parental alienation. But as a form of child abuse, it's going to be essential for the child to, since the child was traumatized, develop a sense of safety and empowerment and, and help the child sort through all of the data that they got, all of the information that they got, and address each one of those cognitions, each one of those thoughts, each one of those bits of information for accuracy so they can get a better picture in retrospect of what actually was going on and in their mind as they define it. Building self confidence starts with, I know I sound like a broken record. Feeling safe. When we feel safe, then we feel more able to get outside of our comfort zone. We feel more confident in our ability to take on new challenges. When we take on new challenges and we succeed, we enhance our self confidence. Identify, you know, things that you don't feel confident about and figure out, you know, what if I were to do this, what would help me feel more confident in doing it? What are some steps I could take? And I shared with y' all in a video, I don't know. Last week or the week before that, I used to be a member at the Chamber of Commerce and we used to go to mixers and I am not a mixer person. There's work, my introvert side just, I don't know how to handle those, those mixers very well. And it was, I was not confident at all. I was terrified, quite honestly, to go to those mixers. So it, it was important for me to address my cognition. What is it? What am I telling myself that's making me feel threatened or unsafe or terrified about this? And is that accurate? Number two, what are some skills that I need? And so I identified some of the skills that might be helpful in doing that kind of thing. I identified someone who already did it and who was good at it, who could serve as a mentor. And we did some rehearsal, you know, in a non threatening situation. So I got kind of used to it. I'm like, okay, you know, I'm getting the feel for this. And then we went to the mixers together the first few times. So I had, you know, I had a battle buddy with me and she was there to be my backup. She was there to take the lead at first, and then eventually she was like, okay, now you try taking the lead and I will, you know, I'll follow behind. And gradually I developed my confidence in being able to do that. So confidence building is really making sure you feel safe and making sure you feel supported. And as you move through things and recognizing that you're going to make mistakes and learning from them, Everybody makes mistakes. How to distinguish the difference between being an extrovert with social anxiety and an introvert who is on the extroverted spectrum? Well, the biggest question there is, do you have social anxiety? So I would encourage you to go to search online for the DSM criteria for social anxiety and go through those criteria, see if they fit. Now remember, all of our diagnoses are on a spectrum. Depression. Everybody has occasional days, episodes, reasons where they feel depressed. It's a normal feeling. Clinical depression is on the other end of the spectrum where you feel depressed most days for, you know, at least two weeks. And it's completely oppressive in your life. But I would seek out that first to try to figure out whether social anxiety may be a presenting issue. Well, Sharon, kind of like the other question about determinism, part of that resides within you. Do you feel like you're too old to change? My feeling for myself, who and I'm about the same age, is no, I'm not too old to change. I actually look forward to changing and learning and evolving over the next hopefully two or three decades. And thank you for joining. Welcome to Bronze. Alrighty everybody. Oh my gosh. We have had such a amazingly interactive session. I am so grateful for all of the interactivity that you have presented today. I will think about that self gaslighting Andy because you know, like I said, I need to ponder that one. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it and I will address that probably next Thursday. It sounds like maybe doing a video or three on beginning steps for reprogramming trauma might be helpful. So I will add that to the list. That being said, I hope everybody. Oh, one last question. What is the relation between anxiety and dry mouth? When we get anxious, when we are in fight or flight mode, our body is secreting cortisol. And you know, a lot of times we have different physiological changes as a result of that. It is different for everybody. For example, when we are in fight or flight mode, we are not in rest and digest. So typically people experience a speeding up of their GI tract. So I would think that dry mouth would go along the same lines. But I don't know that for sure. That's not a symptom that I've actually really studied. But I would look at if you want to search online for the correlation or the relationship between fight or flight and dry mouth or anxiety and dry mouth, you might come up with something. Look for articles that are from PubMed that's or from somewhere like that has either a Edu extension or a like WebMD. Hi Kira, I'm just glad you were here. And this will be available on replay. I'm going to need to, you know, do that editing where I crop off the the front part where I was just kind of twiddling my thumbs and and remember the first 15 or 20 minutes was the presentation on Yoda's Rules for Life. So you may want to skip through that if you want to get to the Q and A. But, yes, it will be available. If not today, then tomorrow. Everybody, have a fabulous, phenomenal, amazing rest of your week and I will see you next Thursday.