5 Expert Tips to Help Someone with a Trauma Bond

Hey there everybody and welcome to this short video on 5 tips to help someone with a trauma bond. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. If you're interested in learning more about working with people who have experienced trauma, a Masterclass in trauma Informed care is available@allce.com tic just to review A trauma bond is a connection between a victim and an abuser in which the victim rationalizes or justifies the abuse because they don't believe that they can escape the situation. Trauma bonds are a common symptom of complex ptsd. What can you do if you know someone who is in a toxic relationship, who's formed a trauma bond with? What can you do to help them? In the last video I talked about the fact that the victim in a trauma bond or the abuse in a trauma bond has done some mental gymnastics in order to endure the abuse they are experiencing. So now they believe that the abuse is their fault. They believe that the abuser's actions are their fault and that the abuser actually loves them. So it's going to be really hard to help them see a different perspective. The abuser has gone to great lengths to brainwash them, to convince them that they are incompetent and unlovable and can't survive without them. So how do you help this person? You see what's going on, you recognize it's completely dysfunctional and your heart goes out to them. But you can't walk up to them and say hey, why don't you come stay with me for a while because that's just not healthy. The victim will would likely become extremely defensive and maybe even push you away as a result. So what do you do? It's important to establish I know you get tired of me saying this, a secure attachment, consistently non judgmental awareness. Recognize that they've been brainwashed to believe the abuse is love and they deserve it. When you're talking with them, when you recognize maybe they come to work and they've got a black eye or something and no amount of encouragement to get them to report it is going to do any good. Being consistently non judgmental and empathizing with them. How scary it must have been empathizing with them. How powerless they may feel. Whatever goes on, just listen to what they have to say. You may not agree with what they're saying, but take a non judgmental stance because you are not in their skin, you are not in their head. Respond. Accept them where they are. If they are not ready to leave, then pushing them to leave is just going to push them away. Accept them where they are and just be consistently there when they're and and be there when they're ready. Be a sounding board when you can. Attention Give them positive attention. I don't mean love bombing, but I if it's somebody you work with or a friend you see or maybe it's a parent that you see on the playground when your kids are, you know, having their play dates, inquire about them, ask about what they like to do. Compliment them on things. Show them positive attention. Now not fake attention but positive attention to help them see you're planting little seeds in there that say hey, maybe you actually do have something to offer. Because remember the abuser has beaten their self esteem way down and made them believe they don't have anything to offer validation. Empathize with their fears of leaving if that topic comes up. Their guilt for what they believe is their fault and their shame for what they believe is wrong with them. You don't have to say yeah you sounds like you really suck, but empathizing with it sounds like you feel like you can't do anything right. You know, recognizing, empathizing with and hearing non judgmentally what they're saying is going to be important. Encouraging them. Encouraging them to explore. Encouraging them to consider alternate perspectives at the right time. Remember the more you try to break them up, the more resistance you're likely going to get. Because they're afraid. They're terrified they can't survive without that person and they're terrified nobody else is going to want them. They truly believe these things. So coming up to them and telling them something different is like telling them the sky is purple. They're going to look at you like you're crazy and probably step back from you some. So provide encouragement when they start doing things again. If you're maybe at a play date with your kids on the playground, commenting on how well behaved their kids are or something, providing positive feedback and safety. Let them know you will help. If there's any ever anything I can do for you, if you ever need any help, I'm here. You don't have to say when you're ready to leave the abuser you can come to me. You can just say if there's ever anything you need, I'm here for you. And if they ask for resources, provide them again. You don't want to bombard them with resources for domestic violence shelters and this, that and the other because they will take that as criticism of the abuser who they are going to vehemently defend, at least initially. Once they start softening a little bit, then they may be open to resources or there may be periods where they are more receptive to to resources that you can provide at that time. Recognize that this relationship is filling a need for the person and was not created overnight. And you're not going to change it overnight. You may not ever change it. But recognizing that is important. They went through an extreme grooming process. Be realistic in your expectations for what can happen. Would you like to see them get out of that relationship and get into a healthy relationship and live happily ever after? Sure. Is that realistic right now? What is realistic in the short term? What is realistic? Maybe the only realistic thing is that they continue to have contact with you, you know, and, and remember, part of the grooming process is isolation. So if they continue to have contact with you when your kids are on mutual play dates or at work or something, that is a realistic expectation. Seek support for yourself from a therapist or a domestic violence organization. It's really important to recognize that this is emotionally draining when you're seeing somebody being abused and you feel helpless to intervene. Now, I have to make my little, you know, statement here. If you're a mandatory reporter and you see that there's abuse going on, you have to report it. If you know that there's human trafficking going on, you can encourage the person to report it to the authorities. And in some cases, you may be obligated to report it, depending on what your job is. If you're a mandatory reporter, so be aware of your legal responsibilities. That applies for teachers, pastors, doctors, nurses, counselors. But if you are not one of those people who works in human services, it can be helpful to be aware of the resources that are out there for people who are experiencing domestic violence or who are victims of trafficking. Finally, if this is triggering traumas from your past, seek counseling. You may have grown up in a family in which your caregivers were involved in a trauma bond, and now you're seeing this in somebody else. And your family of origin didn't work out so good, so now you're hoping that maybe this will work out differently. It's important to recognize what's being triggered in you so you can address those things. Even if your family of origin worked out well, it may reopen some of those wounds and you may need to process that a little in order to keep it from causing you more mental distress than is actually healthy or helpful. If the videos on this channel have been helpful for you, please help us make high quality practical content available to everyone. Donate@doc snipes.com donate join the channel@doc snipes.com join or purchase a thanks on any video you particularly like, trauma bonds form as a way of surviving. The abuser uses the victim's need for love to manipulate them. Since victims believe they can't escape, they must resolve their cognitive dissonance by believing that abuse is love and the abuse is their fault. Victims will also often become very defensive if they feel you're criticizing or attacking the abuser. Helping them, even for counselors, even for victim advocates, is often a very slow process of providing a safe and supportive lifeline and planting seeds of change.