A short video by Dr. Dawn‑Elise Snipes outlining five signs of abandonment anxiety, its developmental origins (childhood chaotic/dysfunctional caregiving or adult relationship experiences), typical behaviors (need for control, craving praise, unexplained insecurity, hypervigilant mind‑reading, staying in unhealthy relationships) and recovery steps focused on developing secure attachment with oneself through consistent self‑validation, mindfulness, and stepping outside comfort zones. The video also briefly contrasts secure attachment features (responsiveness, validation, encouragement) with insecure attachment patterns.
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Hey there, everybody. In this video, we're going to discuss five signs you have abandonment anxiety. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. If you have a need to control or be controlled by your partner, you may have abandonment anxiety. Children who grew up in chaotic households, dysfunctional households, may have learned that the only way to be safe is to control everything. To walk on eggshells, to try to make sure everything is perfect. Other children that grew up in chaotic environments may have learned that it's not safe to think, to feel, to have any initiative or to act. They need to simply respond to whatever the caregiver says that they need to do. So they may lean more towards a controlling environment. They feel like if their partner is controlling them, then their partner notices them and their partner loves them. So you can have either end of the spectrum happen. If a child grows up in a dysfunctional household, if you have a frequent need for praise, this can be another sign you have an abandonment anxiety. A lot of people who have insecure attachment, who've been abandoned have a very low self esteem. They rely on others to tell them, you know what, you're okay, you're good enough, you're, you're lovable right now. And so they don't internalize a stable, lovable sense of self. So they require others to constantly be praising them. It's not that they are, to use a term that I hate, narcissistic, it's that they are terrified. And they need people to regularly acknowledge the reasons that they are deserving of being on this earth. You may feel insecure for no obvious reason. Van der Kolk did some very wonderful research many, many years ago that has shown that a lot of times traumatic memories, especially traumatic memories from childhood, are often stored in our body as feelings. We may not have images, we may not have words to go with them because we were too young to actually understand what was going on. But we have that feeling, that gnawing in the pit of our stomach or that sense, that, that queasy feeling. So if you start feeling insecure for no obvious reason, you're looking around going, things seem fine. Why am I afraid this person is going to abandon me? It may be a sign of abandonment anxiety. If you find that you feel like you have to be hyper vigilant and engage in mind reading most, if not all the time, you probably have abandonment anxiety. Hyper vigilance is when you are on guard, when you're scanning constantly for any sort of micro expression or microscopic sign that the person is getting ready to abandon You. You are constantly questioning their motives. You are constantly looking at things, and you're constantly trying to read their mind. You're constantly trying to know their motivations. Just by the look on their face or what they're doing, you assume you know what they're thinking. And that is a tool that develops in people who've been abandoned before because they say, okay, when I saw these symptoms before, it meant somebody was getting ready to abandon me. So whenever I see them in the future, I will quote no what it means. That's not always true. Somebody may be acting withdrawn not because they don't love you anymore and because they're getting ready to abandon you, but because they are, you know, having a crisis of their own, or they're having a hard time at work and they're trying to figure out how to deal with something that has nothing to do with you. However, the person with abandonment anxiety is often assuming that is all about them and they are trying to anticipate. And people with ab abandonment anxiety often stay in unhealthy relationships. Being in a relationship is better than being in no relationship, even if it's an. An unhealthy one. And people with abandonment anxiety have often grown up in very unhealthy environments, so it's what they know. And sometimes it's easier to stay with something that's predictable, something that you already have tools to sort of deal with, than to disengage from an unhealthy relationship and be alone. A lot of people with abandonment anxiety have almost never been alone. They bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship because being alone, being with their own thoughts is terrifying. Abandonment anxiety occurs when people do not have secure attachments. It can occur because you didn't have a secure attachment in childhood, or it could occur after you have a series of bad relationships in adulthood. It's not something that always has to happen as a result of a dysfunctional childhood. But when you don't have secure attachments, then you don't have any relationships, including a relationship with yourself, in which someone is consistently there. You can count on them. They're responsive to your needs. Not only are they there and they notice, but they also are responsive and help you figure out, okay, what do I do to improve the next moment? What's going on here? They pay attention to you just because you're you, not because they have to help you solve a crisis. They actually want to invest energy in nurturing the relationship. They validate your perspectives, your thoughts and feelings, even if they don't agree they Say, okay, I hear that you're angry. I see your point of view on this. Again, they don't have to agree, but they respect that your thoughts and feelings are yours and they validate or acknowledge that the that they exist for you. They provide encouragement to step outside of that comfort zone and take chances and move towards goals, and they help you feel safe. When you step outside that comfort zone and it doesn't go so well, they are that safe home base to which you can return. They're that person that you can call up and go, well, that didn't happen the way it was supposed to. And they say, all right, let's figure out what to do. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It means that you tried something and it didn't work out. You're a good person who didn't, who may have failed at a task. The first step in recovery often involves developing a secure attachment with yourself. Consistency checking in with yourself. Being mindful on a regular basis of your thoughts, wants and needs. Responding to your thoughts, wants and needs instead of ignoring them or minimizing them. Acknowledging them and saying, okay, this is how I feel, or this is what I think right now. What can I do about it? How can I improve the next moment? Nurturing your relationship with yourself. Paying attention to yourself. Spending time with you, figuring out what you like, what your values are, what's important to you. Validating your thoughts and feelings when you have them instead of struggling with them. Validating. I feel anxious about this. Okay, it's not good. It's not bad. It just is. This is how I feel right now, and that's okay. I can figure out if I want to hold on to this feeling or if I want to do something about it. Validating your thoughts instead of saying, well, this is my opinion, unless you think I should have a different one. When you validate your thoughts, you say, this is my opinion and this is why you don't have to agree with me. And I may be willing to change my opinion or but right now, these are my based on my experiences and my knowledge. This is my perspective and it is valid from my point of view. Providing encouragement to yourself saying, all right, I've always wanted to learn how to do this, so I'm going to step outside my comfort zone and I'm going to try it. And if you try it and you do great at it, wonderful. And if you try it and it's not your thing, being able to look in the mirror and going, all right, well, we learned something that is probably not going to be one of our strengths, but we looking in the mirror, we are still lovable. We are still us. That doesn't make us any more or less lovable. It just means we know something more about ourselves and the skills that we have. For more in depth information on dealing with abandonment anxiety, watch allceus.com abandonment videos and there are several there for you to watch.
