6 Causes of Infidelity (Cheating) and Tips to Prevent It

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's video on six causes of infidelity and strategies to prevent them. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University found that among adults in their 30s, there were no significant gender differences in the report of sexual infidelity, which was reported to be about 20%. So when we're just talking about sex, sexual infidelity, men and women are both equally as likely to be unfaithful. And the level of that is one in five. So that's a pretty big number. But that just talked about sexual infidelity. There are a lot of types of infidelity that can seriously damage a relationship and trust in the other partner. Physical or sexual infidelity can be in real life, where someone is actually having a sexual relationship with another human being. Or it can be virtual, where the person is engaging in watching porn, or they are engaging with people on Only Fans or something else, where they are getting their sexual needs met by someone who is on the other end of a computer. They have a relationship of sorts. Maybe it's just in a fantasy relationship, but it is still a relationship that is serving to help them meet their sexual needs. Emotional infidelity in real life, when you have someone that you are fantasizing about that you are really emotionally connected with other than your significant other, that can feel very threatening to a lot of people. And then virtual emotional infidelity. And this is where you have people who develop these online relationships and say, well, I'm not cheating because I'm not actually meeting with this person. We're just talking. We're just really good friends. But you end up finding that you are significantly emotionally attached to that other person in a way that is damaging to your current relationship and social infidelity, doing things with others instead of your significant other. And yes, we need to have our own individual lives. We don't necessarily need to be doing everything with our significant other all the time. But if it goes to the other extreme, where you're spending 95% of your free time with your friends and other people and not your significant other, you're basically trying to avoid your significant other. That's social infidelity. And some people perceive it as social infidelity if you start supporting social causes or beliefs that are different than them. So maybe the two of you got together and you both agreed that on these certain things that you believed in, and then along the way you changed your beliefs and started affiliating with people who share those new beliefs. Of yours. The, the significant other may perceive that as being socially unfaithful, as abandoning them. So there's a lot of different types of infidelity. And infidelity is really a word that means unfaithful and people define it differently. You may have somebody who is in a relationship with a person and they feel very comfortable that they are in a real life relationship. And then this, their significant other also has an emotional relationship with somebody else and they may not feel threatened by that. So it's important to define what the limits are and, and what at what point you feel start feeling distrustful or insecure. The causes of infidelity can be boiled down to three things. Need, opportunity or disinhibition. But so let's look at what some of those things are and maybe how we can prevent them. A lot of times people cheat in relationships or, or, or are unfaithful in relationships because of dissatisfaction. Emotional starvation is one of those. If you are in a relationship with someone and they are not meeting your emotional needs, then you may seek to have those needs met somewhere else. It's like, well, I'm not getting my needs met here and, and I'm starving. I need to feel comfort, I need to feel compassion, I need to feel something. So one of the ways to address that would be to openly communicate with your significant other about what your needs are emotionally. What is it that they can do to help you feel emotionally heard and supported and nurtured? And what is it that you can do to make sure that you're effectively communicating to them? If you are just kind of standing by waiting for them to do something to show you they love you, or if you are just passively standing by hoping that they're going to notice that you're in a bad mood. That is setting yourself up for failure. That's setting yourself up to expect that they are going to mind read. And that is not a healthy dynamic. It's important to communicate with what your needs are and set up a dynamic. For example, maybe your significant other isn't really good at picking up on hints. All right, that's fine. A lot of people aren't so identifying a time each day, 20, 30 minutes where the two of you sit down and actually talk and connect on a meaningful level or make a list. What are some things that your significant other could do so you would feel emotionally fulfilled. What are some things that you can do together? It's not all up to your significant other. It's going to be a two way street here. Sexual Deprivation is another very common reason for infidelity. And it's important to, again, have open communication. A lot of this stuff comes down to communication. Sexual deprivation can mean not getting sexual attention or not getting the type of sexual attention you want. Or maybe things get stale in terms of your sex life and so you start feeling like you need some newness or some adventure or some something. Well, that's okay. It doesn't mean you have to become unfaithful. And I encourage you, if sexuality is a problem, to explore what is different now than when the sex life was good. And maybe go online and print out a, what we call a yes, no, maybe list. And these are things that you definitely want to try, things that you might want to try. And then your hard limits of, no, there's, I'm not going there. But that often opens lines of communication. Many people, adults, even, even older adults and people who've been in relationships for decades have very, very poor communication about their sexual preferences in terms of what they really want to do in the bedroom. So it's important to open that line of communication and encourage one another to identify what their sexual needs are so there's no desire to look elsewhere. Anger. Sometimes dissatisfaction in relationships can be because you're holding anger and you're retaliating for past deeds or a refusal to be changed so one person may cheat on their partner or become unfaithful because it's like, well, you were unfaithful, so I get to be unfaithful too. Or I've told you all these things that need to change about you and our relationship, and you're not doing it. So I am going to be unfaithful instead of breaking up. Instead of leaving the relationship, they retaliate. There can be lack of excitement. And it is true. There's even a term for it, new relationship energy. When you're in a relationship for the first couple of weeks or couple of months, there is this surge of dopamine and oxytocin and all kinds of stuff, that new relationship energy that provides excitement and desire and all those kinds of wonderful things. And the longer you're in a relationship, that new relationship energy kind of dissipates. Unless you work at it, you're not going to have probably the same intense rush that you did those first few weeks or few months. But you can keep excitement alive in your relationships by listening to one another, by trying to meet each other's needs, by making sure that you're not falling into a rut and you're actually nurturing your relationship. Excitement is different for different people. I encourage you. Communicate. What is it in a rich and meaningful life, if you had the perfect relationship, what would you be doing? Communicate that to one another so you can make that happen for each other. And take chances. You know, consider doing things that, you know, maybe they were out there on the I'd like to do that list, but, you know, that's a big step, like going on a cruise or going on vacation. Vacation is a big deal for me because I don't like change. I don't like leaving my house. You know, I mean, going on vacation, leaving my house for days or weeks on end. So going on vacation or getting out of my routine is, can be really stressful. But my husband is not as rigid as I am and he likes spontaneity. So making sure that I don't kind of suck him into the vortex of the mundane has been really important in our relationship. So figure out what is it that that relationship is going to look like for you. Loneliness is another cause of dissatisfaction. And you can be alone and not lonely if you have a good relationship with yourself. Or you can be lonely in a room full of people if you don't feel heard, if you don't feel understood, if you don't feel empathized with. And this all goes back to, I know, communication. If you are feeling lonely, it's important to try to identify. Is it because you are keeping people out, you're keeping those walls up, or is it because other people are oblivious and they need to pay more attention? And this is another place where love languages can be very, very helpful because sometimes your significant other may be trying to communicate that they love you and they're there for you, but they're doing it in the wrong way. And insecurity is another reason for dissatisfaction in relationships. And this can go both ways. If one person is insecure, then they may be very demanding and very clingy to the other person. And so the other person ends up cheating because they are just like, I can't, I can't take the insecurity. And I just want to have a relaxed environment, a relaxed meeting, date, evening, whatever, with somebody. And insecurity can go the other way where the person who is insecure actually cheats because they're like, well, I better have somebody else on the side because I can't trust that this person's going to stay around. Communication. Developing secure attachment are really important here. And remember, secure attachment is really pretty simple. Consistently be aware of what's going on around you. Notice your significant other. Pick your head up out of your digital device and notice what's going on. Communicate. Be responsive to your significant other in a sensitive way. Validate or empathize what they're feeling. Encourage them to do what they need to do to improve the next moment. Make sure it's a safe environment for them to articulate, to communicate their needs in a unfiltered sort of way so they don't have to be tiptoeing on eggshells, trying to choose the right words and provide attention. Spend time with your significant other, even when it's not because they need something right now. Okay, so opportunity is the next one. An opportunity happens. You're off on vacation somewhere by yourself. I guess a lot of people wouldn't do that. But maybe you're on a business trip and the opportunity arises and it's going to be really important to explore. Explore what that looks like and explore in yourself and talk with your significant other about what conditions would have to be met for you to think, you know what? If the opportunity arises, I'll take it. Because this other person may not find out. Opportunity is kind of nefarious because it's out there and it's the whispering sort of, you know what, what happens here stays here, or the person won't ever find out. So that little devil on your shoulders going, why not? And it's important to discuss why not. What would happen if you seized on an opportunity? And it's important for you to explore that for yourself as well. If you seized on that opportunity, how would it change your relationship with your significant other? And in the future, even if they didn't ever find out about it, how would it change your relationship with them? Would you feel this guilt? Would you always have this anxiety that they're going to find out? Would you be more liberated to do it again? What would happen? Low self esteem is another cause for infidelity. Sometimes people are in a relationship and the relationship is actually pretty good. But it may not be meeting their emotional needs or they may feel insecure, or it may not be pumping them up enough so they need validation. They need to prove that they still got it. And that can be a challenge. It's important to explore if you are tempted to be unfaithful because you need validation, because you need to prove to yourself that you can still attract other people. If you need other people to be added to your circle to tell you that you're okay, it's important to explore your self esteem and why you need that validation from others, and why you're not getting it from yourself, from your significant other, from your friends, etc. And pressure or fear of rejection can be another associated issue with low self esteem. If people have low self esteem and a colleague starts flirting with them, they may fear that they're going to lose that friendship or they're going to cause problems with that colleague. If they set boundaries and they so want to maintain that connection, even though it's seemingly a dysfunctional one, that they become unfaithful, even if it's just emotionally. And some people joke about having, you know, your real life spouse and then your work spouse. Some people are okay with that. Other people feel very threatened if their significant other is in a strong relationship, we'll say with someone at work. Midlife crisis has also been cited for reasons for infidelity. And that also goes back to people often wanting to prove that they've still got it. If you are approaching midlife, whatever that means for you, for some people that's 30, for some people, that's 55. But if you're approaching midlife and you are starting to feel insecure about yourself, or you're starting to have regrets about the things that you didn't do, or struggling with all any of those midlife issues, it's important to be aware of that and start addressing it so it doesn't end up causing you to become impulsive. Insecure attachment is another reason for, or cause of infidelity. If people in a relationship, and I already kind of touched on this, if people who are in a relationship do not feel securely attached to one another, if they don't feel safe, if they don't feel empowered, if they don't feel heard, understood and loved, then they may look to meet whatever needs they're not getting met in their relationship elsewhere. So really focusing on building a secure attachment with yourself so you're aware of your needs and you're, you feel safe in your own skin, setting boundaries, communicating your needs, but also developing a secure attachment with your partner. So again, you feel safe in that environment. You feel heard, you feel noticed, you feel supported in what you're doing. Mental health issues can also sometimes cause infidelity. When people are depressed, they may seek that new relationship energy. New relationship energy is going to cause that rush of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin that is associated with improved mood. So people who are depressed may actually seek out relationships, thinking, well, maybe this will distract me, maybe this will help me feel better and you know what it does, however, that's sort of self medicating without addressing the real problem, what's causing the underlying depression. If you're depressed, and I've said this in so many other videos, go to the doctor, get a blood test done, make sure your thyroid is in balance, make sure your hormones are imbalanced, make sure that your nutrients like vitamin D are in balance. Rule out some of those easy fixes, if you will. And then if all of that is working, then start examining trauma history and other things that are leading you to feel helpless and hopeless. And start addressing those with a counselor or a pastor or some really good self help books. Mania is another reason for infidelity. When people are in a manic episode, or even sometimes a hypomanic episode, they tend to be very impulsive without regard for consequences. Additionally, when people are in a hypomanic or a manic episode, hypersexuality is a very, very common symptom. So they may feel hypersexual and act on those impulses without reservation when they're in the middle of an episode. It doesn't make it easier to accept for the partner who's been cheated on. But it's important to recognize that if you have mania or hypomania, if you have bipolar disorder, it's important to recognize that that is a risk and be aware of early warning signs of a relapse. Have a relapse prevention plan, have, you know, safeguards in order in case you do start to experience an episode so you don't end up acting impulsively. Addiction is another cause of infidelity. Addiction to substances. Sometimes people will use substances, become disinhibited, and engage in behaviors that they later regret. Sometimes people will use sex in order to as a currency to get drugs or alcohol. And sometimes people are addicted to the sex itself or the masturbation itself. And any of those things can't obviously can lead to infidelity. So it's important to examine in what way did my addiction or did my addiction to sex and pornography contribute to my infidelity and what is motivating that? Because recovery is going to involve an addressing what motivates those addictive behaviors and then numbing. Sometimes people are so anxious, they're so stressed out, they're so angry, they're so all of these unpleasant feelings, they just don't want to feel anything. They want to, or they want to feel pleasure. So they may engage in sex for stress relief or for distraction, sort of as a distress tolerance tool. And sometimes if the distress is strong enough, then the decision to engage in unfaithful numbing behavior may may also be very impulsive. So the the summary for mental health is Be aware of your mental health issues. If your mental health is declining in any way, or if you are feeling excessively stressed, have strategies to deal with it besides infidelity. Help us continue our mission of making practical tools available to everybody. You can support the channel@docsnipes.com donate, become a paid member@docsnipes.com YouTube or purchase a super thanks on videos that are particularly helpful. Infidelity can happen for a variety of reasons. Strategies to help prevent it can be summarized with the mnemonic Hacker Honesty with yourself as well as with your partner about what your feelings are, what your needs are, and what your hopes and dreams are. Attention again to yourself as well as to your partner. It's important to know what's going on in you in order to prevent problems and to communicate that. But paying attention to your needs as well as paying attention and spending quality time with your partner is going to be important to maintain that connection. Communication Open, honest, frequent communication is also important. Communicating only when there's a problem, or communicating at this superficial level of how was your day? Small talk. That's not going to get it done. Communication means talking about what your needs are, how you feel in your relationship, what is going well as well as you know, if there's anything that you would like to see going better. Kindness to one another. And that's so important. Just being kind and compassionate with one another. Recognizing that each person has their own load to carry and sometimes people are going to fall a little bit short. Maybe you hoped that your significant other would do XYZ for your birthday and they just didn't do that. Okay, well, being kind and going all right, you tried, you did this. Not exactly what I wanted, but you did this and I'm going to be grateful and appreciative. Emotional intelligence. That is the ability to identify emotions in yourself and manage those emotions in yourself, to effectively identify emotions in others and to respond appropriately. So when your significant other is happy. Responding appropriately when your significant other is really ticked off or stressed out. Being able to respond appropriately to them, to help them feel safe and empowered in the moment and respect for self and others. Having respect to not be unfaithful, but also having respect for one another's feelings, needs, wants and ideals.