Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes breaks down trauma bonds: what creates them (isolation, intermittent kindness, perceived threat) and seven signs you're in one, including inability to leave, rationalizing abuse, and losing contact with friends. Trauma bonds can outlast the relationship and require healing.
September 20, 2022
1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE)
thehotline.org
Hey there everybody, and welcome to Seven Signs you Might have a Trauma Bond. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. If you're interested in working with people with trauma, a masterclass in trauma informed care is available@allceus.com tic. If you think you're in an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-799-SAFE or go to thehotline.org if you go somewhere online, make sure to clear your browser history when you're finished. And ideally do it from a location that's public and outside of your home. Just to review A trauma bond is a connection between a victim and an abuser in which the victim justifies or rationalizes the abuse by believing it's their fault or that the abuse means that the abuser loves them. Trauma bonds are a common symptom or or consequence of complex post traumatic stress disorder. So if you're working with somebody with cptsd, it is essential to also screen for and address any trauma bonds. What causes a trauma bond? Conditions leading people to develop a trauma bond include believing the abuser poses a real threat to to the victim or to the victim's loved ones. If I leave this person, they will kill me. They will kill my family. Additionally, the victim believes that life without the abuser poses a real threat. So if I'm not with this person, I can't survive on my own. I don't have the capability, I don't have the resources. In situations where there's a relationship that starts out with kindness and then goes on to become controlling and critical, there are still periods of kindness that are kind of smattered in through there. And that's just enough to keep the victim believing that the abuser loves them and that the abuser's abuse is their fault. The person also needs to be isolated from other people and believe that they truly cannot escape. So what are some signs that you might have a trauma bond? If you're unhappy in your relationship, but just don't see how you can leave, it might be a trauma bond. It might be that you just got in yourself into a financial pickle. But if you don't see how you can leave, if you don't feel capable of leaving, if you feel afraid to leave, then that's a different story. If you rationalize or justify to yourself and others the actions of the abuser, if you're constantly making excuses excuses for why the abuser abuses you or for why the abuser isolates you, then that's a big red flag. If you constantly feel on edge or even maybe secretly crave the drama, it might be a trauma bond. And you may be scratching your head on this one, feeling on edge, feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Because if you do the wrong thing, the abuser is going to lash out. And obviously you don't want that. But why would somebody secretly crave the drama? Well, remember back a couple slides ago, I said that in a trauma bond, many times the victim believes that the abuse is a way that the abuser shows love. You know, they punish me because they love me and they want to make me better. So if they're not punishing me, if there's not all this drama going on, then it must mean that they don't care about me anymore. So that can be a consequence of the mental gymnastics that people have to go through when they are in a trauma bond. If you regularly or constantly carry around a lot of guilt, the abuser in a trauma bond is going to make the victim feel like everything is their fault. If you were only better, if you wouldn't have done this, then I wouldn't be angry, then we wouldn't have this problem. So the person, the victim in a trauma bond often bears the guilt for everything that's going wrong in the relationship, in their life. And with the abuser, if you avoid open communication for fear of abuse or criticism or ridicule. And remember, abuse does not have to be physical abuse. It can be verbal abuse, it can be ridiculing, name calling, being just downright ugly. If you've lost your sense of self and will do or be anything to appease the abuser. A lot of times when as a result of this grooming process, remember, it starts out with love bombing with the honeymoon period, showering somebody with gifts and attention and love and everything they want. So everything after that point, the victim is trying to regain that feeling, regain that initial rush that they had in the relationship, and that keeps getting further and further away. As a result of trying to get that back, they start becoming very chameleon. Like, what do you want me to do? What do you want me to be so you will love me again? And if you've lost touch with friends and family, it might be a sign that you are in a trauma bond. If the videos on this channel have been helpful for you, please help us make high quality, practical content available to everyone. You can donate@docsnipes.com donate. You can join the channel@docsnipes.com join or purchase a thanks on any video you particularly like. You don't necessarily have to still be with someone to have a trauma bond. You may have gotten out of that relationship. Either you did, or that person abandoned you, or maybe that person you know left for some other reason. However, it doesn't mean that you have healed that trauma bond. It doesn't mean that you you have. Your heart has let go of that trauma bond. So it'll be important to heal the damage that was done to your self esteem, to your psyche, and to your heart in that traumatic relationship. If you believe you formed a trauma bond, help is available, but the first step is to get to safety.
