7 Signs You Have Toxic Guilt Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Self Help

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on five signs you may have toxic guilt. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Let's start out by defining guilt and shame. Although it's basically kind of semantics, guilt and shame are both forms of self anger. Anger is a feeling that we have when we feel threatened. So anger is a feeling that we're having where we feel like we're a threat to ourselves for some reason. Now, as I said something of semantics, some people use guilt and shame interchangeably. What we're talking about right now is a feeling you get when you did or you think you did something bad. Shame, some people define as a feeling that you are bad. And that is going to be discussed in next week's videos. Healthy guilt motivates change and growth because, let's face it, sometimes we do things that are wrong. And when we do that, we have this healthy guilt that says, you need to fix that. Okay? And healthy guilt helps us grow. Toxic guilt drains your energy and erodes your self esteem. So what are some signs of toxic guilt? It may be toxic guilt if you feel guilty about things you have no control over. You feel guilty because some island out in the Pacific got hit by a tsunami. You can feel bad for them. You can empathize, you can have compassion. But feeling guilty doesn't do any good. Yet some people will and they will start saying, well, I didn't reduce my carbon footprint enough and I contributed to global warming, therefore the tsunami in the Pacific was my fault, so I will feel guilty. People who have toxic guilt will find a way to make it their fault. You may have toxic guilt if you have guilt about other people's feelings. Other people, especially adults, are responsible for their own feelings. You're responsible for your behaviors, they're responsible for their feelings. If they're angry, you need to check yourself, did I do something that was inappropriate that I need to apologize for? If so, okay. However, the other person's emotional reaction is their responsibility. You can trigger an anger feeling that's natural. If they felt threatened, but then what they do with that anger, that's their responsibility. If they choose to hold it and nurture it and see and stew on it, that's on them. If you feel guilty about things that you already made amends for or maybe can't make amends for, but you've learned from, that can be toxic guilt. If you already apologized for something and the person accepted your accepted your apology, yet you still keep beating yourself up for it, then that is toxic guilt. If you refuse to let it go. They've already let it go. You're the one holding onto it. So you need to examine your motivations. Sometimes things happen that you can't make amends for. For example, maybe you chose to go play around a golf when you knew that your grandmother was on her deathbed. And instead of going to the hospital to say goodbye, well, you may regret that later. You may feel guilty for not going and saying your final goodbyes. Okay, well, you can't change that. But, but you've learned from it. You're probably not going to do that again. You can make amends to the other people that could have used your support, but you can't tell grandma what you wanted to tell her. So you have to learn from that and not do it again. But if you continue to hold on to that guilt because of, because you can't apologize to Grandma, then that is toxic guilt. Another sign of toxic guilt is feeling guilty because you're not perfect or as good as somebody else. You got this message somewhere along the way that you're only lovable if you are perfect. And if you're not perfect, then you're going to be rejected. And rejection triggers anger, ergo guilt if you feel guilty about being successful. So this is the flip side side of the coin. Some people feel guilty if they're not successful and they're not perfect. Other people feel guilty for being successful because they look around and they see other people that are struggling and they're like, oh my gosh, I don't deserve to be doing this. Well, when everybody else is struggling and in some cases the same person can feel the same, can feel guilt for both things. They can feel guilty that they're not perfect and then feel guilty at the same time for being successful. So they're damned if they do and they're damned if they don't. Let's call it what it is. Another sign of toxic guilt is feeling guilty about taking care of yourself. And in the next video we're going to talk about ways to deal with toxic guilt. But let me say this. Self care is not selfish. If you burn yourself out, then you're not going to be any good to anybody. And the final sign of toxic guilt is when you feel guilty about what other people tell you to feel guilty about. If other people are able to manipulate you by telling you what you should think, what you should have done and trigger that self anger, trigger that guilt in you that you hold on to, then that's toxic guilt. Toxic guilt is an ongoing anger at yourself, you end up seeing yourself as a threat to yourself. You see your behaviors, or lack of behaviors if you fail to do something that you think you should have done as unacceptable and that makes you reject not the behavior, but you reject yourself. You're not separating a behavior from a person. You are lumping them all together and going, I made this mistake. I did this bad thing, therefore I'm a bad person. I'm going to reject myself and other people are going to reject me. That's toxic. This toxic guilt causes ongoing activation of your stress response, which can lead to desperate attempts to prove to yourself that you're worthy. A lot of people with toxic guilt are incessantly apologizing, incessantly caretaking, sometimes kind of overstepping their bounds and invading your boundaries, going, how can I fix it? What can I do for you? And you're like, I don't need anything right now. Thank you very much. But people with toxic guilt feel like they need to constantly be making amends for their real or perceived failures or mistakes and the past. When people have toxic guilt, they feel feel guilty ident. It's important for them to identify and evaluate their shoulds. When you start to feel guilty, it's important to ask yourself, what am I shoulding myself? What am I saying I should have done or I shouldn't have done? That'll help you get some idea into the chorus of the inner critic that is just getting stronger and stronger. The more ammunition you give it, the louder it gets. One of the things that you can do is ask yourself, is guilt a good use of your energy right now? Is being angry with yourself and sitting with this feeling and punishing yourself? Is this a good use of your energy? How else could you use your energy to move toward what you define as a rich and meaningful life? If the videos on this channel have been helpful to you, please support us in our mission to make high quality, practical content available to everyone. You can donate@docsnipes.com donate. You can join the YouTube channel@docsnipes.com join or you can purchase a thanks on any video that you found particularly helpful. The media, your communities and your family all shape and guide your beliefs. They tell you what you need to do to be good or lovable. Sometimes, especially when you were a child, you may have believed that you were responsible. Sometimes you were told you were responsible for things that were not your responsibility, like other people's feelings. In the eight Ways to Overcome Toxic Guilt, the next video, you'll explore how to deal with these beliefs that are toxic to your mental health and enhance your feelings of self hatred, powerlessness and fears of rejection. If this video was helpful, consider watching some of my other videos on guilt, positive self talk, and cognitive distortions.