7 Tips to Survive Valentines Day and Address Loneliness

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to Today's presentation on Seven Tips for Surviving Valentine's Day. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Valentine's Day is a day that we celebrate that means different things to different people. Originally, it's thought that it was to commemorate St. Valentine, and some people may still believe that. So who was this person or persons? St. Valentine is the patron saint of loving couples, so it would make sense that we would celebrate him on Valentine's Day. But he's also the patron saint of beekeepers, the mentally ill, the plague and epilepsy. So there are a lot of other things that you can celebrate, including beekeeping and recovery from mental illness, the plague and epilepsy. So take, take with from that what you will. Valentine's Day, actually, if you go back to the original pagan tradition, was what I think of as the original bachelor. It was a pagan fertility festival called Lupercalia, in which all of the young women in the city would place their names in an urn. Then the city's bachelors would each choose a name from the urn and become paired with that woman for the rest of the year. And those matches often ended in marriage. So think about that. There's not a whole lot of choice. It's sort of a crapshoot here. And then that woman was sort of stuck with the bachelor who pulled her name for the. For the rest of the year. So that's not really something that. That we would necessarily celebrate these days. What's the problem with Valentine's Day now? We, a lot of people have very strong feelings about it one way or another. For people who really don't like Valentine's Day, there's a lot of expectations for what you should do, regardless of whether you want to or can afford to do. And we've talked in, in many other videos about how shoulds generally indicate a problem. When you say you should do something or you shouldn't do something, that can put you in. In a very uncomfortable position. It's important to think about people, for example, who are in unhappy relationships and they're being pressured. They should be celebrating Valentine's Day and they really just don't want to. They really need to address the relationship issues that they've got going on. Or maybe they're watching things on television or wherever they get their information from, and they're being told they should buy jewelry or should take somebody out to a expensive restaurant, or they should get roses, which this time of year are marked up to a million dollars a flower. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but. And if you don't have that kind of disposable income, you may feel bad. You may feel like you're not meeting expectations, you're disappointing people. There are also expectations for being in a relationship. Valentine's Day, they start marketing it before Christmas decorations are even put away. And for a lot of people, that communicates to them that something's wrong with them if they're not in a relationship. Which is kind of why I started out with looking at what Saint Valentine's a patron saint of. Because I love bees. I'll focus on bees. For that matter. Valentine's Day does not have to be about being in a relationship with someone else. It can be about being in a relationship with yourself or even with your higher power. And there are expectations for what your relationship should be like. You should be happy and carefree and all those things that you see on these Hallmark movies that for most people it's just not that way. At least not that way all of the time. Maybe there are little glimpses here and there. Making that glimpse happen on this one day out of the year is really difficult. It's really difficult to say, okay, this is Valentine's Day, so all the stars are going to align. It's going to be a perfect day. No, unfortunately, that's probably not going to happen. And the expectation that it is sets us up for frustration. And it also is sort of replete with reminders of what you don't have if you're not in a relationship with someone else, if you don't have a good relationship with yourself, so you feel very lonely, you may have fears and memories and thoughts about loneliness and abandonment triggered. So Valentine's Day can be really harsh on people. I do want to make a note about the difference between being alone versus being lonely. Some people are introverts and they really like being alone. They really like spending time with themselves. They're not antisocial, they just like spending time with their thoughts. And other people may be extroverts, but they can also be alone because they don't feel deprived. I have on here, you can be alone and not feel lonely. And I looked up some of the animals that are the most common, commonly non social animals. Solitary animals, Koalas. Who would have thunk it? I think of koalas like these cute little teddy bears that you just want to hug. And I can see them all in groups. And that's not really how they live life. Bears, leopards, most snakes, garter snakes evidently are very Social, but most snakes are not. And then there's a whole group of bees. There's about 200 different types of bees that are called solitary bees. They are not your honeybees, but they're still important in the ecosystem for pollinating and doing those sorts of things. But they don't really get together in. In huge colonies and interact with one another. They're solitary. Loneliness is a feeling of being disconnected or unaccepted. So when you're alone, do you feel disconnected from others or unaccepted, or are you perfectly happy? You feel connected with yourself, you feel connected with other people. You just may not be in their physical presence. You can feel lonely in a room full of people and. And I think all of us have been there at a time or another where we felt sort of like a fish out of water. And we're in this environment, whether it's at work or a social gathering, and we feel kind of lonely because we don't feel like anybody gets us. We feel very disconnected or unaccepted. So it's important to evaluate when you are alone, are you alone and good with it and that's okay, or are you alone and lonely? And if you're lonely, then there's something to work on there. To address loneliness, it's important to connect with and accept yourself because you are not going to leave you. You are constantly there for you. So figure out who are you, what do you like, what do you stand for, what are your preferences, and why are you lovable? You know, when I connect with myself, I spend time listening to the music that I like, watching the television shows that I like, doing the things that I like to do because I know what I like to do. I've taken that time to reflect. So I'm not lonely even. Even when I'm alone. Explore whether you are unaccepted or just disconnected. There may be a lot of people who would love to connect with you, but you haven't given them a chance or you haven't spent time with them lately. It's not that they are unaccepting of you. You've just drifted apart. So can you get reconnected? Do people know your love language? One of the reasons people may feel lonely is because others communicate with them in a way that does not mirror their love language. And we feel most connected, most accepted, most loved, when people communicate to us via our love language. So if your love language is acts of service and you haven't communicated that to people, well, they may be trying to show you that they love you by getting you gifts. And if that's not your love language, it may fall flat. So let people know this so they can connect with you, so they can communicate with you in a way that is connecting. And make a list of those people who share your interests and passions, the ones you know and maybe the ones you don't know. Maybe there's a club that in your town and that is involved with things that you like. Okay, maybe you're not a part of that yet, but you could be. So you could be connected there and work on connecting or reconnecting with those people. So let's just get down to the brass tacks of Valentine's Day solutions. Communicate to people what you do and don't want, regardless of whether you're in a relationship. If you're not in a relationship, do you want to be set up? Do you want to be going out? Do you want to just ignore the day? Do you want to exchange Valentine's or not? And it's important in workplaces, for example, that we don't force this upon people to celebrate a holiday that is traumatic or stressful for them. So communicating about what you do and don't want, if you are somebody like me, who's not big on cut flowers, you'd rather have a plant, who's not big on spending a bunch of money, you'd rather go hiking. It's important to communicate that to your significant other and ask them, what is it that you want to do on Valentine's Day? And I say significant other. But this can be your best friend, this can be your family. Heck, this can be yourself. What do you want to do with you on Valentine's Day? Another thing that you can do on Valentine's Day is just ignore it. Go about the day as if it's any other day. It's possible. It is possible. You can also make other plans. You can go on a date with single friends. Just get a bunch of people together who aren't selling, celebrating Valentine's Day. And go out together, enjoy each other, each other's company. Connect with one another. Go out on a hike in nature with your dog or somebody else's dog if that's something that you like to do. But that gets you out of the mainstream media where you're not being bombarded with commercials and television shows and stuff on the shelves at stores that has to do with Valentine's Day. Do something you love, whatever it is, if it is cooking, if it is swimming, if it is photography, do something you enjoy this is a day about love. So do something you love. You can watch a Doc Snipes marathon. Y' all know I had to throw that in there. You can dog sit or babysit for friends who are going out. Just because you don't have somebody to go out with on Valentine's Day doesn't mean it can't be awesome. If you love dogs, well, spend some time hanging out with dogs. They're not going to give you grief. And you can have a good evening while your friends go out and try to navigate what is supposed to be a perfect evening. Watch Valentine's Day movies and pick them apart. There's a show called Mystery Science Theater that does this to old B. B grade movies. And it's really kind of a funny show. I, I rather enjoy watching it. But I have here instead of Mystery Science Theater 3K is Mystery Val or Mystery Valentine's Theater 3K. I guess the M should have been changed too. But find Valentine's Day movies. Know those hokey Hallmark movies that they play and pick them apart. They have this beautiful date planned and just imagine how much it's costing or find things that they're doing wrong. I mean it's, it's mean, but it's something that you can do. And sometimes it helps you see that Valentine's Day. Even the most perfect movie scenes that they paint aren't necessarily all they're cracked up to be. I mean, think about how much money people would have to spend in real life to make those Valentine's movies scenes happen. But I digress. Have a vinegar Valentine's contest. Finding, making and sharing or sharing rude funny Valentine's video Valentine's with friends. And whoever finds the worst or the most offensive wins. And. And I know that's another one that can be kind of mean, but this is all in good fun. In the 19th century, vinegar Valentines were actually popularized. So this was the akin to the modern day trolls. And this particular one that I found says I'm not attracted by your glitter for well, I know how very bitter my life would be if I should take you for my spouse, you rattlesnake. Imagine getting that on Valentine's Day. So I thought that one was kind of funny. And you can actually go online and search Vinegar Valentine's and find dozens of these. Or like I said, you can make your own. Reconceptualize love. It's a day to love your life and embrace the dialectics. It doesn't have to be about being in a relationship where you're in Passionate love. It can be a different kind of love each time you think of something that you lack in your life. When you are focusing on loving your life and embracing the dialectics. Each time you think of something you lack, identify something you have. Okay, I don't have this yet, maybe I never will, but I do have this. Think about it as a day to love yourself. A day to focus on the things that you do well. A day to day do things for yourself. Think of it as a day to celebrate friends and you can celebrate with friends as well, but a day to celebrate friendships and recognize that the love that you have for one another and that can kind of feel sort of hokey for some people. You don't need to get all mushy, but celebrating the connection that you have. A day to show love to people, creatures, or even things who aren't getting it. Imagine how much it means to go visit somebody in the hospital who doesn't get visitors or at the retirement home or somewhere else who doesn't usually get visitors. Imagine how much that brightens their day that you wanted to share some of your life with them, you wanted to spend time with them. Going to, and this is one I can't do, going to the animal shelter and walking and dogs or playing with cats who are stuck in cages all the time. I go there, I end up wanting to bring them all home. So my husband's kind of said that's not a good idea for me. But spending time with creatures and I said things the earth does not get a lot of love. Spend time working in a garden, planting a plant, planting a tree, planting some flowers. Especially, you know, this time of year we're starting to get some of the early, early, early spring flowers and putting them out and watching the, watching the bees flock to them, watching the birds come, check them out or you know, set out some bird feeders. So it doesn't have to be about romantic person to person love. Choose a mantra to silence the hecklers in your head. When you start hearing that voice in your head telling you what you should be doing today or that you should be in a relationship, you know, all those, the shters in your, in your head. Choose a mantra to silence them. Whatever you want to tell yourself. I am happy today in my own skin. I am confident with the way things are going, whatever it is you want to tell yourself. And capitalize, if nothing else, on the half price chocolate and flowers. You can even dry the flower petals and make potpourri at the, you know, after Valentine's Day So go to the store because a lot of the flowers and chocolate isn't going to get bought. Buy it at half price, 75% off and enjoy it. And think about all the poor people who who ended up spending twice as much or more on those same things just 24 hours ago. Valentine's Day ain't going anywhere. It can be Valentine's Day and you can still have a rich and meaningful life. It can be Valentine's Day and. And you can still have a good day. Sometimes you just need to put it out of your mind or do something different or think about it in a different way. But in reality, it's just another day. You can choose what to focus on, if anything at all. So like I said, you can choose to just ignore it. Not focus on anything at all or focus on loving yourself or loving your best friend or loving your pets or something else. It. If you want to focus on love, you can. But it doesn't have to be romantic relationships.