8 Tips for Enhancing Empathy and Detachment | Listening to Help and Communicating Assertively

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on empathy and detachment. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. In this video, we're going to explore strategies for being empathetic and still setting boundaries. We'll think about the impact of non judgmentalism and I will encourage you to consider the impact of avoiding attachment, to doing things the right way, that is trying to control how somebody solves their own problems. Empathy helps you explore someone's reality through their eyes. Detachment allows you to know clearly where you end and they begin so you can step in and out without getting stuck or overwhelmed. When I'm working with beginning counselors, we talk about this in reference to during session, stepping in and being able to empathize, but after session being able to step out and regroup so they are not continuing to be stuck in that place with the client even after the session is over. It's also important to be able to exercise empathy and detachment during an intense moment and then out to process what's being said. So if you're talking to somebody who's grieving or struggling with something, being able to be empathetic with them in the moment, being able to sit with them while they're experiencing their distress, but then being able to step out, so you're more like the fly on the wall that can help them process what they are thinking and feeling. I had a mentor when I was in, in graduate school that made this analogy and I've used it multiple times in teaching to help people understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is like if you have a person who is stuck in the bottom of a cold, dark well. It's wet, it's damp, they're freezing, they're hungry. Empathy is if you strap on rappelling gear and you go down there with them. Now because of that rappelling gear, you can still get back out when you're ready to. You can step in and out. So you're detached. You're not going down there and getting stuck with them, but you are able to more fully experience what they're going through because you've stepped into that situation with them. Sympathy, on the other hand, is standing at the top of the well and looking down and going, golly, must be really cold and wet and dark down there. There's a difference. There's a qualitative difference between being an outsider looking in and describing what you see versus being an insider where you are experiencing it with the person. We can be empathetic and we can be somewhat detached, but it's Also important to be non judgmental. When we are non judgmental, we, we are recognizing that the person is doing the best they can with the tools they have at this point in time. I encourage clinicians, but you know, anybody, if they are getting ready to interact with someone, someone else, especially someone else who might be challenging or struggling in some way, but anybody, it can be helpful to repeat to yourself, may you be happy, well, safe and at peace. You know, repeating that to yourself before you engage with someone helps you get in a mindset. Recognizing that everybody deserves to be safe, well and at peace. So when you are interacting with them, you can have more compassion as opposed to being more judgmental and shoulding them. You should do this, you should do that, you should feel this way. We are accepting how they feel in the moment and hoping, wishing for them safety, wellness and peace. We want to increase our awareness and before and after sessions, examine and confront our automatic thoughts. And this can be really helpful for counselors at all levels because even seasoned counselors, we can get a little bit lazy sometimes. It's important for us to regularly check ourselves and increase our awareness of our automatic thoughts. So before we go into session, what thoughts were you having about working with that client before you went into the meeting? If you're not a counselor, what thoughts were you having about that meeting during the session and after the session, what automatic thoughts were you having? And a lot of times our automatic thoughts tend to be relatively judgmental and it's important for us to be aware of those so we can restructure them. We may have a lot of thoughts going into, during or after a meeting or a session that revolve around shoulds, you shouldn't or you should do these things. So we want to restructure that and ask ourselves, you know, what are three reasons why the person didn't do what we think they should have or couldn't do it. This is a very trauma informed approach. Instead of judging what they did or didn't do as wrong, we want to look at why did they do it? In what ways might this make sense? Because they didn't have other options or they didn't have other skills that they needed? What are three reasons why the person didn't or couldn't? In what ways do the person's thoughts, feelings and behaviors make sense? From a survival or a skills and knowledge point of view? Some behaviors, like addiction, for example, from an objective point of view, somebody who doesn't get it may look at it and go, well, why do you keep doing this? Because you know it's going to cause you harm. But from a survival standpoint, sometimes exploring what does this behavior mean? What is this behavior? Communicating about the person's a desire to survive. You know, it's a creative way of surviving distress in the moment when you don't have other skills or supports to address the situation. So that tells me the person wants to survive in some way. And that's awesome. What's it telling me about their skills? It's telling me that they probably don't have other skills that are effective and we may need to look at doing that. So instead of judging them for engaging in a behavior that seems counterproductive, examining that behavior and exploring the how it makes sense, exploring reasons why the person engaged in that behavior. I encourage people, whether you are a supervisor or a counselor or a teacher or a parent, to evaluate your rapport and effectiveness with the people that you interact with. And look at the people that you interact with non judgmentally and how is your rapport and effectiveness at working with them. And then switch over and the people that you interact with judgmentally, the people that you are regularly either telling them outwardly you should or shouldn't and judging what they do, criticizing or just in your head criticizing what they do, what's your rapport with them like? My guess is you'll find that your rapport and effectiveness is very different between the two groups. Once we have empathized with somebody, once we have heard what's going on, heard what their behaviors were, and taken the information non judgmentally, sort of like a fly on the wall or a scientist who's just trying to get information, gathered all the information. We want to avoid attachment to our approach of choice. The way you would solve it, the way you would do it, the way you think it should be done, well, that's you. And it's important to step away from that and empower the person to identify what's going to be most helpful for them. Remember, behavior and feelings are communication. What are their behaviors and feelings saying? Is it saying, I feel unsafe, I need tools, I'm confused, I need to be validated. You know, what is this behavior saying? If you're working with somebody who starts calling in sick a lot from work or no showing for their appointments, what is that behavior saying? And what is the next best response to be empathetic to and supportive of them and their needs? What is keeping them from feeling empowered or safe? You know, if we're dealing with somebody who's in distress, if we're dealing with someone In a situation where they may be engaging in behaviors that are not necessarily the most helpful for them, what's keeping them from feeling empowered and safe enough to make the changes that they need or communicate what they need. And that could mean that, guess what? They don't have the skills, the assertiveness skills to be able to communicate that, or even the emotional awareness to be able to identify what's going on inside them. Which brings us to what do they need to feel empowered and safe? If they are engaging in self destructive behaviors, if they are engaging, if they are feeling depressed or anxious, you know, we need to ask what is keeping them stuck here? And what do they need to help them feel empowered and safe, which is the first step toward happiness? What stage of readiness for change are they in? And it's important to recognize that if you're working with somebody who has social anxiety, for example, they may not be ready to just jump in and start doing all of these techniques. And there are a lot of reasons for that. But the transtheoretical model of change has, has phases that people go through. In pre contemplation, they're not willing to change. They may not be willing because they don't understand there's a problem. They may not be willing because they're afraid they're going to fail, or they may not be willing because they're overwhelmed by the prospect of everything they've got to do in order to change. So if they're in pre contemplation, if they're not doing their homework assignments, if they're not getting their work done like they're supposed to, why is that? Is it because they don't have the skills to do it? Is it because they're afraid of failure? You know, what is it that that behavior is communicating and how can we address that? So they feel safe and empowered. They feel like they have the ability to move forward. Contemplation is when people start recognizing that, yeah, there may be a problem here, but I still have no idea what to do. And in contemplation, we want to encourage people, we want to provide support, we want to highlight the strengths and resources and tools that they do have. We want to help them start feeling empowered. In preparation, they recognize they need a change, they're starting to feel strong enough to do it, and they're starting to try to figure out, okay, what do I need to do? And in the preparation stage, we can start providing a menu of options. We can start providing resources for them. Well, you could do A, B, C, D. We can encourage them to tell us, you know, what strategies do you think might help you? Some of those strategies they may not actually know how to do yet. Maybe they know or they think that setting boundaries would be helpful for them, but they have no clue how to begin setting boundaries because they've never been taught that. Okay, that's fine. So in preparation we put that the list of this is something that when you move into the, into the change phase, you got to learn how to do this. So preparation is really getting all your ducks in a row and making a plan. And then the action phase is when people start implementing the plan. And if you've ever implemented a plan, and I think all of us have, many times the best laid plans do not go as expected. And as a support person, parent, teacher, manager, counselor, when people start implementing their plan and they run into obstacles, it's up to us to help them figure out how to navigate that obstacle. It's up to us to keep providing that encouragement and support as needed. But it's up to them to decide to recognize, to embrace the approaches that are going to work for them. For example, I am mainly cognitive behavioral in my clinical approach. That doesn't work for everybody. Not everybody is wanting that approach. Some people want a more humanistic, some people want a psychodynamic. You know, there are a lot of different approaches and EMDR is another great example. I'm not trained in it, but some people in their preparation stage recognize that, hey, I think EMDR would be really helpful for helping me work through my trauma issues. Well, that's wonderful. I am not going to sit there and try to convince them that why cognitive behavioral would be a better option if they think EMDR is going to work for them. Because I know the research has shown, I know that EMDR is super effective. So avoiding attachment to our approach of choice. And if we are trying to dissuade people from certain approaches, we really need to step back and objectively evaluate the reason. Is it because we don't believe in it, because we are unaware of its benefits, or because we are maybe afraid that they will find more acceptance with someone else? You know, we need to look and see whether it is self motivated or objectively motivated. When people are being resistant to change, we need to examine what that behavior means. And remember that goes back to that pre contemplation. When they're saying I'm not going to change, are they saying I don't know how? Are they saying I am completely overwhelmed or are they saying I'm afraid of Failure. And a fourth one could be, are they saying, I don't want you telling me what to do? If we engage in a dialogue with people in which they feel forced or pressured into something, that's not an uncommon reaction. So we do need to examine, were we being supportive, encouraging and empowering, or were we trying to tell them what to do and force them into our way? Non judgmental empathy is essential to understanding the experience from another person's point of view. They've probably already heard all of the judgmental thoughts that are going through your head. They've already probably. They probably have already shoulded themselves a lot, so they don't need to hear that. What they need to experience is empathy. Non judgmental acceptance and encouragement. Detachment allows us to maintain boundaries while still experiencing empathy. Detachment is that repelling gear that helps you get out of the well. Helpful listening means hearing the person's experience, not our interpretation of it. Listening to understand what their thoughts, feel, feelings and behaviors mean instead of taking them necessarily right on face value. If somebody gets angry with you, thinking that they hate you or they want you to leave, you know, anger often represents a threat. So that may mean that they feel scared, they feel threatened about something. So instead of assuming, you know, listening to understand what their thoughts, feelings and behaviors mean and helping them identify strategies to move toward a rich and meaningful life as they define it. And obviously this sounds more counselor ish, but even as a supervisor or as a parent, we want to hear what the people in our lives say and understand what they're trying to communicate and then help them figure out. Okay, so this is where we are. Non judgmental mindfulness in the moment. What is it? What strategies might help you use your energy effectively to move toward your rich and meaningful life?