Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes explains jealousy as anger at someone for having what you want, then offers nine CBT strategies to manage it. Stop digging through exes' social media, list evidence for and against the threat, and reframe past relationships as learning experiences instead of competitions.
Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on 9 Ways to Overcome jealousy about their exes. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Now, this video has been requested by several of you several times, and I'm finally getting around to doing it. So I'm hoping it will be helpful for you. Let's start out by thinking about what is jealousy? Jealousy is anger at somebody for having something you want. Jealousy about a partner's exes may mean that you feel angry, which is an emotion that happens when we feel threatened. So jealousy about a partner's exes may mean you feel threatened because you think they still have your significant other's heart. The person's with you, but they really want to be back with that other person. You don't feel worthy of your significant other. You keep telling yourself there's no reason this person is actually staying with you and they're going to leave you. You may be jealous of their exes because they had a type of relationship that you want but don't have. Maybe you hear stories about how when they were together, they went on vacation all the time or they used to do all these fun things or whatever, and you guys aren't doing that. Maybe you have children and you're not able to be quite as footloose and fancy free or whatever the case may be. But you may be jealous of the relationship they had more than the person themselves. You may feel threatened because you haven't processed prior breakups. There are people in your past that you really still want to get back with. So you assume that they have people in their past that they still really want to get back with and you're still attached to one or more of your exes. And projecting, projecting means I'm taking something that I'm feeling and I'm assuming you feel the same way. So what do you do about it? Well, recognize that you feel like there's a threat, but feelings are not facts. I'll say that again. Feelings are. Are not facts. Talk to your partner to make sure you're not misinterpreting things. Maybe they were married before and they got divorced and they have this picture in the living room from a family trip they took that has all of their kids and them and their ex in it. And that picture makes you feel threatened because you think, well, they don't want to get rid of that picture. Well, they may not want to get rid of that picture because it was a great picture of the kids and it reminds them of a very happy time they had with Their children and it has nothing to do with the ex, but you can't really just cut her out of the picture. Talk with your partner, you know, that's, that's the first thing, talk with them to see if there is any fact based reason that you have to be concerned. What evidence, and by this I mean facts, actual evidence, not assumptions, not guesses, but evidence do you have that the person still has a hold on your significant other. What are the facts? Are they still calling your significant other? Are they still texting them all the time? Again, if the exes are part of a caregiving unit and they have children and they're still, and they're co parenting, then there may be more conversation. So it's important again to communicate about what's going on, what's being communicated. Be open about the communications so you can feel more secure that yeah, they may be texting a lot, but it's because junior got suspended from school or whatever. The issue is, what evidence do you have that your significant other wants to be in a relationship with you? Oh, so actually write down the evidence that you have. What does your significant other do or say that lets you know that they want to be in a relationship with you? You know, so evidence that they want to be in a relationship and then evidence that they want to be in a relationship with the other person. And a lot of times you're going to find that one's a lot bigger than the other one. Usually the evidence that they want to be in a relationship with you. Oh please resist the urge to dig on social media. You don't want to go through your partner's past posts from, from six years ago, before you even met, and start digging around to try to figure out what was going on and why. Do you still have this picture? They probably don't remember. I don't remember what I posted six years ago. The only way I remember is Google occasionally tells me, here's a memory from eight years ago. I'm like, yeah, thanks. I really didn't want to see that. So don't go digging on social media in your partner's past posts and don't go digging in their ex's current posts. Sometimes if you go to your ex's, Your, your partner's ex's posts, they may be posting things about trips they're taking and how things are wonderful in their life and how beautiful and awesome and whatever they are. Well, we don't post on social media about when we've got the flu and explosive diarrhea. They're gonna put their best foot and face forward going on to their. Social media only gives you the highlights, the best snippets of them, and it doesn't give you a full picture. So you may start feeling insecure because you think, oh my gosh, that person's perfect. No, they're not. They wipe their behind just like you do. Practice mindfulness and gratitude. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Do you want to spend today being angry and jealous and suspicious about exes, or do you want to spend as much time enjoying your partner today as possible? You have them today, you're not guaranteed to have them tomorrow. And I don't mean they're going back to their ex. I mean something tragic could happen. So it's important to recognize how do you want to spend your energy? How do you want to spend your time? And consider this, you won. An undercurrent of jealousy could sabotage the relationship. But they're with you now, they're not with that person. If these videos have been helpful for you, please support us in our mission to make high quality content available to everybody. You can donate@docsnipes.com donate. You can join the YouTube channel@docsnipes.com join or you can purchase a thanks on videos that are particularly helpful. Unless you're very young, both you and your significant others have exes. You've both been in relationships. You learn more about yourself with each relationship. And most of us look back at our prior relationships and there were aspects that were good. We're like, yeah, that, that wasn't bad. But there were more aspects that were bad, which is why we're not in that relationship anymore. You can learn about what you want in a relationship, what makes you happy through your prior experiences, and that's how you got where you are now. So every relationship was sort of a twist and a turn that led you down the path to meeting your current partner. The faults and failures of those people in relationships brought you together. Feeling vulnerable in relationships is normal. It is normal when you're in a relationship. When you love somebody, it is normal to feel vulnerable and maybe have a little bit of anxiety. Okay, you know it. That is a feeling. But when we're in a significant relationship, we're letting somebody into our heart. You know, we've talked about boundaries before and letting them know our thoughts can be a little threatening. Let's letting them into our heart, oh my gosh, that can be terrifying for a lot of people. If you've got abandonment issues or abandonment experiences that you haven't fully processed. It can also contribute to feelings of jealousy because you may be expecting, based on other people's behaviors, you may be expecting that this person is going to abandon you as well. It's really important not to hold people in the present hostage for the mistakes of people in your past. Acting on feelings instead of facts can unnecessarily destroy a good thing. Other videos that might be helpful Anger, guilt and jealousy and their functions docsnipes.com jealousy cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and self esteem docsnipes.com CBT self esteem and A CEU course is available on relationships and jealousy@allce.com jealousy ceu.
