Abundance Mentality in Relationships

Foreign like to welcome everybody to today's presentation of integrative behavioral health. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Today we are going to continue talking about an abundance mentality and we're going to start talking about creating abundance in relationships. As always, let's talk real quickly about how abundance and relationships can be beneficial. Well, when we have this notion of abundance, when we're not fearing abandonment, when we're not jealous or envious or resentful, guess what? Our HPA axis is down regulated. We have reduced pain, inflammation and illness, improved sleep, health and energy. So score there affectively. Abundance in relationships actually promotes more affective components than some other things. It promotes trust and faith, hope, love, contentment and happiness. So I want you to think about those as we're going through the strategies for abundance in relationships. And I want you to think, you know, how can these help me feel more faith, hope and love, contentment and happiness? Overall, cognitively, an abundance mentality, regardless of whether it's in relationships or just in life, is going to help you focus on the positives and what's within your control. And it's also going to encourage you to learn about yourself and others and work on nurturing each other's passions. Again, this is not just for relationships. When you are embracing an abundance mentality, you are noticing the people around you, your friends, your co workers, you know, your boss, the person on the street, whomever. And you are noticing them as the value that they are. You're noticing the value they bring to your life. Environmentally, well, it just improves the energy in your environment if you are synergizing and working together and feeling harmonious as opposed to discordant. And interpersonally, it encourages both parties to nurture their passions and transform instead of staying stuck in a rut or being apathetic. And theoretically, hopefully, it also reduces fears of abandonment because abandonment comes from, guess what, a scarcity mentality. Building abundant strategies. A lot of these are the same that as the ones we went through on Wednesday. A few of them are a little bit different. Abundance in relationships grows from a sense of personal worth and security. If you don't feel worthy, it's going to be really hard to develop a flourishing, abundant relationship because you're trying to get something from someone else instead of thinking, how can we combine to make something awesome? And I've used the I analogy before and I'll use it again. When you want to think about abundance, I want you to think about chocolate chip cookies. And what I mean by that is in a Healthy relationship, you have two parts that are great standalone and when you put them together, it makes something uber good. So with chocolate chip cookies, you have a sugar cookie, which is great all by itself. You have chocolate, which is great all by itself. And when you put the two of them together, you get something that's even more fabulous than you could have ever imagined. It's not a one plus one equals two. It's more like one plus one equals six, in my opinion. So in your relationships, you really want to strive for being great on your own, for having that self esteem that says, I am enough, I am valuable, I am amazing. You also want to develop a sense of safety in your relationships. And that starts out with honesty and respect. When you communicate with your significant others. And this isn't just a romantic partner, this can be any. When you communicate with your significant others, you're going to increase a sense of safety because if they're being honest with you, then you're not wondering, well, when is something going to come out of field? If you're respecting one another, respecting one another's boundaries, then you feel safer. And, and it's important to respect boundaries. And I have lots of videos on relationship skills and relationship strategies on the YouTube channel. So we're not going to go deep into that right now. But safety comes from, from a place of honesty and respect. And we need to have self esteem to have that sense of worth and security, recognizing that all people are not meant to be together. You know, it's just the way we are. You're not going to be liked by everybody all the time. When you have a good strong self esteem, you're okay with that. You are great with that. Let's go back to that sugar cookie. Not everything goes great in a sugar cookie. You know, you're probably not going to put artichokes in a sugar cookie. You know, that's just not the way they're meant to go. But it's okay with that because, you know, artichokes are over there in the vegetable category and perfectly great vegetables. And we can respect that. But we may not synergize quite as well. We want to recognize the power of our thoughts in our relationships. We want to be optimistic. We want to view our relationship, every relationship as one that can succeed, as one in which we can enhance one another. Because remember, when we're synergizing and enhancing one another, it is that new math that one plus one equals three. So optimism goes a long way. If you go into a discussion, a relationship, a meeting with Someone that you are, you know, not. It could be tense. It's not something that you necessarily want to have a discussion about or not something that you necessarily want to do. If you go in it with an optimistic attitude, it makes it a whole lot better. If you try to see, okay, how can I make the best of this? Or what is the best possible outcome and how can I make that happen? Instead of just going in and going, ah, crap, this is gonna suck. Think about how much different that is if you go in optimistically, if you notice the good, and radically accept your significant others. All of us have quirks, and I would be willing to say that none of us is perfect. So if you radically accept your significant others, your, you know, and that's just friends, family, everybody for who they are, faults and all, it goes a long way. Instead of focusing on the bad and going, well, I would like this person if they didn't, well, how about just saying, I like this person, yes, they do this thing over here. And I'm going to radically accept, I'm going to embrace the good with the bad because none of this is perfect. And I am going to focus on what is good. And I am going to notice in our relationship, in our interactions, what is working, and I'm going to keep doing that. I'm going to notice what's not working. I'm going to stop doing that, and I'm going to focus on what I can control. You know, we can't control other people. We can control our reactions to other people. We can control our perceptions of other people, we can control our expectations of other people, but we can't control other people. We can communicate what we would like them to do, but ultimately they have to want to do that. So empowerment really comes into focusing on, again, what's working. And sometimes a relationship may not be working. It doesn't mean that you're lacking abundance. It means that this may not be the right fit, but there are plenty of other good fits out there. And that's where abundance comes in. It doesn't mean we have everything. It means we are open to everything that is helpful and positive to help us create the life that we want. There's a very subtle difference there. We want to notice what we can do. So if a relationship is not going well, you know, we can try to nurture it, we can try to communicate, we can try to make it work. We can notice the good things. But if the bad outweighs the good, then we may have to let go of that particular relationship and that can be at work, at home, with, you know, with friends. You may have to figure out what you're going to do. Maybe you don't let it go completely, but you say, you know what, this person and I are like oil and water. And I can appreciate that they are, you know, good people. You know, let's go back to the artichoke. But we are just not going to mesh. We are not going to synergize very well. So can we coexist? Certainly. But do I want to spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out how to com. Synergize with them? You know, maybe not. Cognitive restructuring. Identify your fears that come from a scarcity mentality and fears of abandonment, fears of rejection, jealousy, all of those come from a scarcity mentality. When we fear abandonment, that translates to, I fear I'm going to be alone. Well, that's scarcity. Abundance means. Well, if this relationship doesn't work out, there's another opportunity coming right along. If we fear rejection, that again, comes from a fear of abandonment and a scarcity mentality. If this person doesn't like me, then I am going to be distraught. Well, not necessarily, you know, if they reject me, okay, well, then maybe that gives me a lesson. We look for the lesson in that and figure out what is it that that didn't mesh? What, what was it that made it so it wasn't a good fit between us? And is this something I want to change? It may not be. It may be more about them or just that you were two very different people and that's okay. But responding from abundance. An abundance mentality in relationships means there's always plenty. If you are resentful or jealous of somebody, maybe your significant other likes to spend a lot of time with their parents still, and your adults. Okay, so that's great. That's wonderful that they have that extra support system. That's wonderful that they have those extra resources as opposed to being jealous and resentful that they're not spending as much time with you. Look at it as an additive. Look at it as a, you know, bonus. Bonus resources that you're getting. So you're getting, you know, three for one instead of just one. Welcome. Competition is a catalyst to work harder and build more and not take each other for granted. Now, some people don't like it when I talk about competition in relationships, but let's be real. There are other people out there. It's an abundant world, and relationships suffer. When we become complacent, when we start taking each other for granted. So it's kind of good to welcome the abundance that's out there and recognize, you know what, there, there are other options. So what can I do to invest my energy into this? That way we can build together. And, and I don't become, you know, this relationship doesn't become something that's not working. Because remember, we need to just cut bait on the things that are not working and have no hope of working because there are other resources out there. Believe there's plenty of love and time to go around instead of jealousy, selfishness, and resentment. And you may be like, well, time, I don't have enough time. I wish there were another eight hours in the day every day. I know I do. But recognizing that when we are in a an abundant relationship, devoting time, nurturing that relationship means I've also got this person here who can be a resource, who can help me achieve my goals and do what I want to do. So I'm not trying to do everything by myself. Yes, I need to devote time to nurturing this resource, but then that resource is there for me when I need it. So time can be multiplied by nurturing those resources. The same thing is true with love. You know, when you have your first child, you love them dearly. And if you have another child, you don't love that child any less. You know, you have abundant love to go around. Your heart just keeps growing and the ability to love is love limitless. Recogniz recognizing that is important. Teaching children to recognize that is important. Teaching them how there's plenty of love to go around and there's plenty of time and we can work together to make things more efficient, if you will, so it feels like we have more time. Encourage people and yourself to embrace change in relationships. If you do what you've been doing, you're going to get what you've been getting. So if things aren't working well, or if your prior six relationships ended in disaster, well, then it's time to kind of look and say, what lessons can I learn from that? And how can I change my outlook, change my behaviors, grow myself in order to attract, in order to be able to acquire the relationships that I want with this is always creating win wins in your relationships. Sometimes you have to give a little bit to get some. We're not always going to get our own way all of the time. Be mindful in your relationships. Be consistently aware of your own feelings and wants, needs and all that stuff. But also be mindful of your significant others. Notice what's going on my best friend is going through a stressful time right now, and she also had to go in on Monday for some medical testing. And it was important for me to nurture that relationship, to be consistently aware, to recognize that and remember that, hey, she has this stressful thing going on today. I bet she would appreciate it if I reached out and gave her some moral support. And that's where being consistently aware is getting out of your own head. It's not a me, me, me in an abundance strategy. It's a we, we, we. And that's not just what little piggies say. Responsiveness prevention and early intervention is where this comes in. We can be responsive to others thoughts, wants, and needs. When they have a birthday coming up, when they get promoted, when we are responsive proactively, then it lets that other person or those other people know that we're there, that we are being mindful, that we do care, that we are supportive of them. And generally, what you give out comes back. So responsiveness goes a long way in preventing problems. If you are responsive to their needs and you're responsive to the relationship, then you're probably going to synergize quite well. And responsiveness is also good for early intervention. If you notice that your significant other is stressed out or acting, quote, weird, you know, asking, being responsive and going, hey, what's going on with you? Can be very important in relationships. Instead of letting it go and fester, being responsive goes back to that honesty and respect and say, okay, I respect this relationship, I respect you, and tell me honestly what's going on so I can do what I can to be a resource, to be a support to you. When you do that for others, they will do it back for you most of the time. Be attentive. Be attentive to the people in your life. Set goals to learn about them, to cultivate and share your passions with each other. You may not be, you know, enamored with football, but if your partner is, if that's just something that is really, you know, something that they absolutely love, how much does it mean to them if you take the time to at least try to learn about it? And that's where that abundance comes in that limitless amount of time. When you take a little bit of time out of your day, out of your life, to learn about something that is important to your significant other, how does that create abundance? And in your relationship, how does that strengthen your relationship and make it grow? How does that reduce friction in your relationship which frees up energy validation? Think like a beginner this is one of the ones we talked about on, on Wednesday. Think about a Think like a beginner seeking your significant others perspectives and evolving knowledge about your significant others you like. What does that have to do with validation? When someone's upset, when they are happy, when they've got a point of view, it may not be yours. And it's important whenever something's going on to ask people, guess what? Ask them, what's your opinion on this? What's your point of view? Not assuming that they share your point of view and not assuming or forcing them to take your point of view. You know, be willing to hear their point of view, ask them about it. Be curious, validate that their point of view is their point of view. And it is, you know, they have the right to their feelings, their wants, their needs and their, their thoughts. It's not our job to change it. And that's where that validation comes in. I love you for you. I love you for your thoughts. Even if they don't agree with mine. If they don't agree with mine, then tell me more about it. Educate me. Help me understand your perspective. The more you understand one another, the less you're going to have conflict. Provide encouragement, not criticism. Instead of focusing on all the bad things, try to focus on the good. Instead of being critical. When you say something like, you know, my kids, if they haven't been doing their chores or something, I can be critical and go, you haven't been doing anything on your chore list. This place is a mess. Well, that's probably not going to nurture abundance. That's going to nurture something else. Instead, providing encouragement, saying, I would really appreciate it if you would make sure that you got those things done today. You know, that's encouragement that comes from a positive place and they see how it's kind of a win win. If I get this done, it's going to make mom happy. And you know, that helps improve the energy in the house. Synergize. Know your unique strengths and work on collaboration, not competition. We homeschooled both of our kids and my husband and I, as I've shared with you guys multiple times, are, are very, very opposite people. He is strong in science, in math and linear thinking, and I'm not. I am stronger in English in creative arts and those sorts of things. So when it came time for my kids to be working on algebra and calculus and and history, that's another thing that he is, you know, fabulous with. You know, he was the go to person. Could I have learned it yes, but is that useful? No. In our relationship, you know, for that time, abundant time, it was a much more expedient, efficient solution for them to be able to go to him for those things and to come to me for their, for their English and their creative arts and social studies and some things like that. So we did focus on our unique strengths. He doesn't condemn me for not being as good in, in math and some of those things as he is. And I don't condemn him for not being as good in English and creative writing. You know, he's the first to tell you if he had to sit down and write a 20 page paper, he'd want to pull all of his hair out. And I can do that in a day. So there's. We just have different strengths and we capitalize on those. Associate with people who have an abundance mentality in relationships where they believe there's plenty to go around, whether where you're not being confronted by others who are competing out of scarcity and they resent you when you are successful or they're jealous of you when you're successful. Surround yourself with people that help build you up. They can congratulate you. And that is true in your relationships. Try to, most of your relationships try to create that abundance mentality. Not all of them are going to turn out that way. You know, family members, sometimes your relationships you can't choose, may not. Those people may not have an abundance mentality, but you can bring yours. It doesn't mean you have to go back to a scarcity mentality to interact with them. Breathing and recognizing the abundance, focusing even if they want to come from a scarcity point of view. Recognizing the positives that they bring and having that optimistic outlook. Outlook can go a long way. Find balance in all things important. Most of us have multiple relationships. So we want to have abundance in our life. We want to have abundance in our relationships as a whole. So it's important to figure out how to find that balance. A lot of times when you get into a new relationship, there's that new relationship energy and you may spend all of your time with that person. I remember being in college and you know, every time I'd get into a new relationship, I would diss my friends for, you know, two or three months just spending all my time with this new person. And that is not a great way to go about it. That is not a great way to nurture relationships and build an abundant support system. Build an abundant life. It's important to make sure that we are attending to all of the people in our life who are important and is. Like I said, it's about balance. It may be a text here and there. You may not be able to go out to dinner all the time or spend hours and hours every day, but making sure to reach out. Be responsive and mindful of each of your important relationships in order to nurture them. And then meditate and reflect or use guided imagery each day priming your vision for that relationship. You know, envision how your relationship with your kids is going to be today. Envision how your relationship with your significant other is going to go. Envision. You see where I'm going with this? It doesn't take long but just thinking about that person and seeing that person in an aura of abundance if you will. Seeing that person as bringing happiness and and value to your life. Recognizing how they do that and recognizing how you can bring happiness and value to their life. Abundant relationship meditation if you will. Each morning you can start out and I use the mnemonic chakras. Cultivate. Ask yourself what can I do to cultivate my relationships with others and myself today? What are my relationships cultivating in me? You know, thinking about each of those people that's important and how they are adding value to your life. It really helps to nurture that appreciation of others. When we focus on not only what we can do to cultivate but how others presence are cultivating the things in us that we cherish. Honesty and communication is the h. What do I need right now and how can I get those needs met? All right, well we do have to have a sense of safety and security. What do my significant others need and how can I help them get their needs met? And you may be like, well I don't have all the time in the world. Yes you do. An abundance mentality says you know what, I do have time. If my significant other person needs something from me, I will make the time even if I hadn't planned it out because that important. And by doing that you strengthen the relationship. The third question in this area is what do we need and how can we get those needs met? And that's there's not always necessarily a we need on any given day but it is important to reflect on the relationship itself self. You know, what does our relationship need and what can I do to meet that need today? It may just be sending a simple text going hey, I hope you had a great day or I was thinking about you abundance. Asking yourself each day about these relationships. What is this relationship abundant in? It helps you focus on the positive, do I feel angry, resentful or jealous? And if so, how can I turn that scarcity mentality into one of abundance? How can I address those fears? How does this relationship enhance my abundance, my ability to be limitless with my love and my talents knowledge? What can I do today to enhance my knowledge of my significant others? What can I learn from them? Because as you learn from them, they're going to learn from you. Respect and Kindness how can I cultivate respect and kindness with others? And how have I been granted or how will I be granted respect and kindness today? Really, looking at how have I been leading up till now gives you the energy to cultivate it yourself. If you say, wow, people were really nice to me yesterday, you know, somebody held the door open, whatever, you know, you can think, wow, people are actually pretty good. Instead of thinking everybody's out for themselves Attitude of Gratitude and Optimism what am I grateful for and hopeful for in this relationship? And how will gratitude and optimism help me be more abundant just in general, in all of my relationships? How will gratitude and optimism and having that attitude help me be more abundant in all of my relationships? And finally, synergy. What strengths, qualities and talents do my significant others bring? And how can we use our unique strengths, qualities and talents to be more abundant? How can we use our strengths, qualities and talents to be more efficient, for example, or to create something that is bigger than any one of us could do on our own? And it's not necessarily just about work. You know, we're talking about life. How can we create a life together that is far more fabulous than a life that I could have created by myself? And that is that abundance mentality we're always looking for how we can exponentially multiply what we have, recognizing that as we multiply that, then it is going kind of like a pyramid scheme. As we multiply our resources, those resources are going to multiply and we're creating more and more abundance. But we're doing it with things like talents and love and compassion. What questions do you have or what comments do you have about abundance in relationships? Now next week we are going to start the six weeks to a happier, healthier you. And we're going to keep doing the same format that we have been doing. So Monday we're going to focus on physical strategies, Tuesday affective strategies, Wednesday is cognitive strategies, Thursday environmental, and Friday is relationship strategies to enhance our health and happiness. My goal is to provide you my 30 top strategies for helping you to balance your neurotransmitters naturally and to get your HPA axis or to start working towards healing your HPA axis, because most Americans have a dysfunctional HPA axis, and about 80% of Americans have an imbalance in their neurotransmitter levels. Now, it may not be. They may not be on medication. They may not even really realize their neurotransmitters are out of whack. One question that I ask people sometimes is when you drink coffee, the caffeinated kind, does it give you energy? And if it either doesn't bother people or doesn't give them energy, that is a glaring clue that their HPA axis is becoming dysregulated, that their system has started to become resistant to the stimulants, to the glutamate and the norepinephrine that are secreted when they ingest it. And, you know, that can eventually cause a cascade of other problems, including hypothyroid and increased cardiovascular disease. So, you know, that's just one of those little questions that seems sort of innocuous when I ask people, but when they start really understanding what that means, that caffeine doesn't have an effect on them, it can actually be kind of powerful. Anyhow, thank you all for being with me today. I know we are getting close to the holidays. Some people are traveling. I really appreciate you taking time out to spend with me, and I look forward to seeing you on Monday. Be safe, be content, and be healthy.