Addictive Relationships: What Are They and What Can You Do?

Foreign. And welcome to this video on addictive relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. In this video, we're going to explore how relationships can be addictive in nature. Notice I use quotation marks because technically, addictive relationships, that's not a diagnosis, but it characterizes for a lot of people what we'll be talking about. We'll identify some of the causes of addictive relationships, define characteristics of healthy relationships, and develop a strategy to begin addressing addictive relationships. So let's talk about what an addictive relationship looks like. And we're going to apply the same criteria that we apply for other addictions. So psychological or physical withdrawal when you cannot be with the person is a characteristic of addictive relationships. And being together, you get sort of a high. Now, we're going to talk about new relationship energy in a minute. But it's important to understand that just like social use to problematic or addictive use of substances is on a continuum, so are relationships. So what we want to look at is how impaired is the person, how much devastation, how much, how many withdrawal symptoms are they experiencing, or what's the intensity of that withdrawal when they're not with the person? Are they all consumed by it and they are super anxious? And having to text the person every 15 minutes when they're not not together. So that would be the first characteristic is having that withdrawal when you're not together. The next characteristic, spending excessive amounts of time or energy, thinking about, engaging in or recovering from use. And what we're talking about here is being with the person. If your thoughts are all consumed with that person, with being with them, with I wonder what they're doing right now with all those things, with spending time with them, which is great, but if it ends up negatively impacting other areas of your life, you're not getting enough sleep and maybe you're skipping work. So when you go to work the next day, you've got more to do. So it takes a lot more effort to recover from spending time with that person. That's when you're starting to see a problem. Number three, making impulsive or risky life or financial decisions a lot of times to avoid abandonment. And with addictive relationships, sometimes we will see people doing whatever they feel the other person wants in order to keep them in their life. So they are. It's not a healthy compromise. It's not a, oh, this would make you happy. It's a, I will give you all of my savings, I will go out and I will buy something that is way above my Means because I think it's something you want and maybe if I keep giving you things, you won't leave me. So these impulsive or risky life and financial decisions also start to cause the person harm. If nothing else to their bank account, but sometimes to their livelihood. Giving up significant people and events in order to use in order to be with that person. And in addictive relationships, we often see people starting to become more and more isolated. They give up spending time with their friends, friends, they give up spending time with their family. It's all about being with this person. And if they can't be with that person, they don't want to be with anybody else. And continuing to engage in this relationship despite one or more negative consequences as a result of it. So if you are in this relationship and it's causing you distress, if you're in this relationship and you're feeling like less confident about yourself, you're constantly fighting and abandonment anxiety, you are devoting less attention and time to your health, to your work, to your family, to your other friends, then it might be considered an addictive relationship. Other characteristics of addictive relationships. You lose your sense of self because you're doing whatever that person wants. Instead of being you with your interests, you become so and so significant other and you do whatever they want and kind of throw all of your thoughts, wants and needs to the wind. You don't feel like you're able to leave in an addictive relationship because those withdrawal feelings are so strong, because it feels so overwhelming when you're not together. A lot of times people feel like they're not able to leave. They feel like they will disappear or not be able to handle a breakup. Addictive relationships are also often extreme in their intensity. So when you get together, you are passionately in love, passionately infatuated, whatever you want to call it. Things are going well. But at the first sign of rejection or difficulty, there may be rage at the other person. Not necessarily cutting bait, but rage at not being able to control that other person and fear of abandonment. Now, addictive relationships, it's not just a submissive person or a dominant person. Both types of people can be addicted in their relationships. If the dominant person is the one who is feeling more addicted in the relationship, they are often addicted to being able to control someone. They need to feel like they are powerful, like they are needed, like they are in control, like they're indispensable. A person who is more submissive in relationships may be in an addictive relationship in which someone else has all the power they are deferring to that person and they rely, they're dependent on that person to help them deal with life. Now I mentioned new relationship energy. When we get into new relationships, there is that period and it can be a couple days to a few months. For some people who are really blessed, can be several years where there's a feeling of elation and infatuation with the other person. And you do have that sort of high when you're together. You have those butterflies in your tummy and you know that's all wonderful. However, with new relationship energy, remember I said it's a continuum with nre. People are able to still clearly see what needs to be done and fulfill their obligations. So yes, they have these feelings of wanting to be with the other person. They think about them a lot. But they're able to put that over here in order to focus on work. They're able to be apart from that person without feeling consumed with anxiety because they are. It's a more healthy relationship. So there's nothing wrong with really being infatuated with somebody, with having this nre. But when it starts to negatively impact other areas of life, then you really want to start looking at what function is this relationship serving. Causes of addictive relationships are as numerous as the causes of addictions themselves. Some of the more common ones self medication of depression or anxiety. When we get into relationships, we can feel that rush, we can feel that excitement. And if somebody is feeling depressed, that can be a breath of fresh air. If somebody feels anxious, especially about abandonment or being isolated, then being in a relationship can give them a sense of security. For some people, relations relationships become a substitute addiction in addiction chemical addiction recovery. One of the things we recommend is people don't get into another serious relationship for at least a year or two after they've gotten sober. And the reason for that is because we don't want them to substitute infatuation and obsession and compulsion to be in a relationship for their addiction of choice. We want them to be able to be clear headed and focused on the recovery process. Abandonment anxiety is another reason. And a lot of people who experienced adverse childhood experiences often have insecure attachments and a lot of abandonment anxiety. So sometimes they may get into relationships in order to quell that anxiety and help them feel somewhat safer. Some people may be in addictive relationships because they have been raised in an environment where their parent was a helicopter parent, it was enmeshed parenting as we call it. So they may not have learned to make their own decisions. They may not feel so safe or comfortable if they're not in a relationship. So they'd rather be in any relationship than not in a relationship. Some people get into addictive relationships because they've grown up with models of addictive relationships. If their parents, if their siblings, if their, you know, friends, parents and siblings were in addictive relationships, unhealthy relationships, then they may think that that's what a relationship is supposed to look like. And finally, some people get into addictive relationships because they are, and I'll use the term loosely, codependent, they have low self esteem. They need other people to tell them that they're okay. They need other people to validate them. If they don't have someone else telling them, you are needed, you are indispensable, then they feel very anxious, they feel very unnerved. And being in an addictive relationship, being in a relationship helps them feel whole, so to speak. Healthy relationships are characterized by honesty and trust, the ability to be apart from that person for a period of time. You may not love it, but there is honesty and trust. And in the relationship, so you can be apart and tolerate it without having extreme anxiety. There's open and respectful communication. So people are talking about, these are my feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. And I hear and validate your feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. And let's see how we can make them work together. We don't always agree, but that's okay. And I accept you as being different than me. You've had different experiences, so you may have different perceptions and thoughts about certain situations. In a healthy relationship, you miss the person when you're not together, but you don't experience high levels of anxiety or depression. You enjoy spending time together, but you still get things done. You feel loved for who you are and not used for what you do. And that is a really crucial aspect of a healthy relationship. You feel loved for who you are. So you don't feel like you've got to constantly buy somebody things in order to make them love you. They love you because of who you are. Your relationship does not alienate you from friends and family. Now, sometimes our friends and family may not be as healthy as we would like. And this relationship is healthier, so you're not spending as much time with them. But what we're talking about is alienating you from healthy, other healthy relationships. If most other people in your life are saying, oh, that doesn't seem like it's a healthy relationship, and you tell him to go jump off a bridge and then that is an indication that, you know, maybe There is something else going on in this relationship. While there are ups and downs, the relationship overall is fulfilling. Any relationship, you know, I've been married for 23 years now, and in any relationship there are ups and downs. Some days are great and you know, there are the occasional disagreements. But overall, the relationship is fulfilling and validating and building up of each person instead of tearing down. And finally, there is a healthy and consensual power division. And I put this in here to be responsive to those who choose to be in a relationship in which there is a power different in the power dynamic. So some people are aware of that and they actively and openly choose to be in that kind of relationship. And it doesn't cause them distress, it doesn't negatively impact their life, their goals as they define it. So healthy and consensual power divisions are important. Most people think, you know, they want to be in a relationship that's 50, 50, but not everybody. So we do need to respect differences between individuals as well as between cultures. Like other addictions, addictive relationships help the person escape distress and continue to be used even when it causes harm. Addictive relationships often feel exhausting. And it's on that continuum. You know, you have the new relationship energy in a healthy relationship. You have the healthy average relationship that has its ups and downs. You know, it's not going to be perfect all the time. However, the addictive relationship is causing more harm than good. Basically, if you want to grossly oversimplify it. So what do you do? Recognize the harm the relationship is causing in all aspects of your life. You know, look at how does it make you feel physically? How does it make you feel emotionally? You know, has your anxiety and depression actually increased while being in this relationship? How does it impact your environment? Do you feel supported? Do you feel safe in your environment? Do you feel like you're, your housing is stable? If you're living with somebody in addictive relationships, you may not feel like your housing is stable because you're afraid that they're going to leave or kick you out. And how does it impact your relationships with yourself? So how does it impact your self esteem as well as your relationships with healthy other people in your life? Finally or next, explore what this addictive relationship is protecting you from. Is it protecting you from anxiety, from depression, from, you know, having to make life decisions because you're afraid you can't make them, or you don't know how feel you have the skills to make them? Is what is it protecting you from? Identify other ways to protect yourself, other than this relationship. So if this relationship suddenly didn't exist, who could you rely on? Or what could you rely on to help you get through life? To help you feel happy and loved and secure? Finally, seek support in developing and implementing your plan. You know, once you identify, okay, maybe I need to make a change, it's important to get support. Support groups can be really helpful. Love Addicts Anonymous can be helpful for some. Finding a place where you can get support from other people to figure out how to implement your plan and then support you through that. Implement Implementation is going to be essential because at the core of addictive relationships is this desire to have support and connection with other people for. For whatever function it's serving. So making sure that you do have other people that can help you is essential to recovering from addictive relationships.