Are Men Really from Mars and Q&A REPLAY
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes challenges the Mars/Venus framework and explains partner differences through temperament types: sensors versus intuitors, thinkers versus feelers. She uses the rubber band and wave metaphors to show how people process emotions and stress differently, then answers questions about toxic family, personality disorders, and therapy.
Chapters
Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's live presentation. We are talking about are Men really from Mars? I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. So the book was written many, many, many years ago. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. But I think that oversimplifies the issue. But let's talk a little bit about where that idea may have come from. Early men. And when I say early men, I'm thinking like the 1800s were responsible for making sure the family was safe and had their basic needs met. They were often working on the farm or at the mill, like in solitary occupations. They weren't just hanging out. They weren't in sewing circles. They weren't doing that sort of thing. Early women, again, 1800s think little house on the Prairie were responsible for tending the children and helping them grow into happy, productive humans and ensuring their spouse had a comfortable, comfortable, welcoming home. Now, those are our very early traditional gender roles. And as we start to talk about temperament, you may start to see how temperament is very similar to what he talks about in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Once we move past the early days, culture still teaches children what they are supposed to focus on and how to behave. That's always been the way traditional gender roles really started to change dramatically in the 1970s. My mother was a flower child and so, you know, I was raised with different, a little bit more non traditional gender roles, if you will. And we've continued to evolve our conceptualization of gender roles and responsibilities. Now, instead of being pigeonholed into traditional gender roles, people are permitted and even encouraged to live in a way that is more in alignment with their temperament. They're encouraged to be more authentic when it comes to men and women. Our differences are not prescribed by our biological gender, but more by our individual temperament and preferences, our wiring, so to speak. And I've done some deep dives on temperament in relationships. On if you are familiar with the Kirsi temperament disorder or the Myers Briggs. I've done four different videos specifically addressing temperament and relationships and you can find that playlist at all ceus mars. That's allceus.com mars so trying to make it easy for you to find, but let's basically talk about some of the premises of the Men are from Mars Women Are from Venus book. One of the chapters is titled Mr. Fix it and the Home Improvement Committee. And yes, we do tend to see things a little bit differently based on what we care about and what our focus in the household I'm not saying based on our gender, but based on, you know, who is fulfills which role. So a sensing thinker likes to live in the real world, address problems and believe if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Sensors tend to be bottom up thinkers. They look at what's there and then they build. They're motivated to do things like fix a leaky faucet, but less motivated to maybe replace all of the faucets just for aesthetic reasons. It ain't broke, why are we messing with it? So the sensing thinker tends to be more practical, more instrumental in what they do. There's nothing wrong with that. And you're going to find that the different temperaments synergize very well and they can actually work together to balance each other out a little bit. And we're going to continue to talk about that. Now on the other end of the spectrum, the intuiter feeler, they're visionaries, intuitors are dreamers and love to think and ponder. We're top down thinkers. I'm an intuitor, so I'm going to say we. They are motivated to make the environment welcoming and inspirational. So as an intuitor, I spend a lot of time looking at home improvement magazines, learning about home decor, learning about different ways interior design methods. I think about, okay, what would it look like if I remodeled my kitchen? There's nothing wrong with my kitchen, it's not broken. But I can see how it could be improved. And that's what I like to think about now, intuitors and being that we tend to be dreamers and visionaries, we can think about a lot of things and not be intending for them to be done right now we can think about it and it's important for the intuitor to communicate that. I know there have been a few times where I've been talking to my husband and I'm like, you know, oh, we could remodel the kitchen and we could do this and you know, we could do this to the bathroom. And that's just my intuitive brain going, and I start seeing him like turn pale and start hyperventilating. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not talking about doing it right now. I'm talking about over the next few years, you know, if we're able to remodel. These are some projects that I'd like to do. So it's really important to communicate the intuit for the intuitor to communicate about what is a vision and what is a I want to do it right now. It's important for the sensing thinker. The fact based if it ain't broke, don't fix it to be willing to open up to opportunities for gradual improvement. Another chapter and refers to men going to their caves. And this is one of the most common, commonly cited quotes from the book about how men go to their caves when they come home. And I really get frustrated when I hear men do this or women do this because it is so not true. Yes, 50, 60% of men tend to ascribe to more traditional gender roles and tend to do things more in line with what the book is. But 60% is barely more than a 50, 50 chance. We don't want to assume. What's more important is to recognize the individual's needs. So you have introverts and extroverts. Introverts think, then speak and may need time alone to organize their thoughts. When they have something to say, they don't talk it out and think while they're talking. They want to go, they want to sit, they want to get their thoughts in order and then they want to come talk about it. It's not that they don't want to talk, it's not that they don't want to communicate, but they need to get their thoughts together first. Introverts are more aware of what's going on inside them and tend to do deep dives one issue at a time. So if you have somebody who's kind of tangential or comes at them with a whole list of done me wrongs, the introvert just kind of their, their brain starts to implode. You know, one thing at a time. Let's talk about it and then move on. And introverts tend to recharge in what I call the safety of their and I'll use his word cave. Now why is this when if you know an introvert, my daughter is one. We'll go to the mall or even grocery shopping if we happen to go to the grocery on a day when it's particularly busy and we will come home and, and she will go up to her room proudly announcing I'm aware I need some time to decompress because that was far too much extroverting for today. All right. I mean she doesn't have social anxiety. It's just people who are introverts tend to become overwhelmed by all the stimulus input that they experience when they are in highly social situations. And that can even be with your own kids if you're at home and, and you know, somebody comes home from work and, you know, they're bombarded by, how was your day? Let me tell you about how my day went. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That person may just be like, okay, I haven't caught my breath yet. So the introvert may need time to come home. And just like some of us, I go home and I change out of my work clothes and I change into my comfy clothes. That's kind of me decompressing and shutting, setting a barrier, if you will. Work days over, family time is beginning. And for the introvert, that involves spending some quiet time. It may be 10 minutes, it may be 20 minutes. It doesn't have to be a long time, but they need time to be able to just sit down and go, oh, my gosh, I'm home. And then they can handle what else might be coming at them. So being in their cave prevents them from being assaulted, if you will, with all the extra stimulus. Extroverts speak to think and may have difficulty organizing their thoughts in their head. I'm an extrovert, and this is not true of all extroverts, but it is a common characteristic in extroverts. We like to talk it out when we think we like to talk, we may talk to ourselves. We may jot down lists. Oh, I'm famous for lists. You know, I've got to get it all out so I can see it, or all out so I can hear it. That's an extrovert trait where we need to get it out so we can pay attention to it. Because we're very aware of what's going on around us and what's right in front of us. We tend to be more aware of what's going on around us and tend to be broader and more tangential. So not that we don't care about things, but there's a little bit more free association here with extroverts. When we talk, we can, you know, take a little detour here and there and recognizing that that is just a characteristic of being an extrovert. So you can identify extroverts because we like to talk. We tend to think and talk at the same time. Instead of sitting down and taking quiet time and thinking something out, we tend to talk it out or write it out in order to try to figure out what's going on. Introverts, on the other hand, really need that quiet time and tend to get overwhelmed when they're bombarded by a lot of social stimulus, even if it's from the family or Even the kids, whether it's from the family or even from pets, you know, if they come home and four dogs jump in their lap, it can just be like, oh, you know, I just wanted five minutes, let me go hide in the bathroom for a while. Another chapter in the book talks about motivation and people are motivated differently. And I'm going to use that gender term that bugs me so much. But men, 60% tend to be thinkers. They tend to more traditional gender role tends to be thinker. However, there's a lot of women out there. There's a lot of people out there who are thinkers. So I love to think more in terms of temperament than gender. Thinkers are motivated by facts, rules and true false statements. They tend to be your lawyers, they tend to be your people who are maybe your engineers, your mechanics, your people who tend to be more. Clear cut in their decision making. It's not different, different shades. It's one or the other. Feelers on the other hand, are motivated by compassion and harmony. So just talking about different ways to motivate a person. If I wanted to motivate my husband, for example, to go on a, to a vacation in a cabin in a state park, he's very much a thinker and I would talk to him about how it would be less expensive, it would provide lots of free options for things to do. And since I know he's also an introvert, it would be less touristy. So it wouldn't be, he wouldn't be bombarded with having to deal with lots of people and crowds and those sorts of things. Now those are objective facts that motivates the thinker. Now if he wants to motivate me to do something, he might say, a vacation cabin in a state park is something you've wanted to do for a while. So that's that. Compassion, harmony. I've listened to you. I want to do something you want to do. And it would give us a chance to unplug as a family to and reconnect. Oh, I hear that word reconnect and my ears perk up. So we're motivated by different things. In a family, the caretaking adult is often motivated by the compassion and the harmony and keeping things going and a smooth oiled machine or whatever metaphor I'm looking for. And then you may have somebody else who focuses on, you know, other tasks. But in our society, we've also gotten to the point where people overlap and they may share different tasks. You often have two parents, both parents working outside of the household and then coming home and both taking Care of children and dogs and all that kind of stuff. But it's important to be aware of what motivates your significant other. Are they motivated by facts or harmony? I mean, that's really oversimplified, but that's where we're kind of going in terms of speaking different languages. The introverted Sensing thinker focuses on what exists and what's working right now, or how's it broken or how's it a problem or what's the need? You know, it's very practical. You know, if there's a problem, I want to fix it. If it's just, you know, improving, then I'm not so motivated. But you want to speak to them in a way that's meaningful to them because it will get their attention, it will help them, and it will help them get motivated to help you want to solve the problem. What does a resolution look like? And this is so important, regardless of your temperament, to be able to articulate the this is the problem, this is why it matters, and this is what the resolution looks like. And then you can start talking about, okay, how can we get from broken or problem to resolution? You know, what are the different ideas we have? And the IST also wants to understand how is this a problem for me? You know, and that goes along with creating a win win to motivate people. You want to help them see why it's in their best interest to take action. For ENF's extroverted intuitive feelers, we look at things, how could this be improved? You know, we see things and it's like, wow, this is awesome. How can we make it better? That's just how we're wired. And the world requires both people, people who are wanting to keep things humming along and people who want to see where we can evolve to and then work together to slowly and gradually move towards that. The enf, what's the vision they want to focus on? How does it make me feel and how does it enhance compassion and caring? So thinking about buying a house, an IST might look for something that's in a good school system, something that's close to work, something that's in your budget. You know, all very practical aspects. The ENF is going to consider those things, but also wants to look at what else, you know, in my vision, if I had the. If I found the perfect house to buy, what, what would it look like? And that's where there can be some challenges because the IST may get tired of shopping for a house before they find the one that fits. The ENF'S vision. So they need to figure out where is a good compromise. He also talks about men being rubber bands and women being waves. And you know, I'm again, I really have difficulty with the gender bias and that. But rubber bands, let's think about them. Let's just look at the metaphor. Rubber bands may get stretched out of shape but quickly snap back. And if they snap back, you know, if they're stretched out too much and they snap back, it can actually sting you. So, you know, rubber bands react and resolve quickly. Waves build, crest and slowly recede. So how does that translate to temperament? Well, the sensor thinker, when they encounter a problem, they may have a strong reaction. We're talking about the rubber band here. The sensor thinker may have a strong reaction and get all stretched out of shape, but that energy is often quickly redirected into identifying the problem and addressing it. The sensor thinker often is motivated because they want to feel capable, they want to feel successful. On the other hand, you have the intuitive feeler who's on the other end of the spectrum. When they encounter the problem, a problem, they often need validation, empathy and compassion. They want somebody to say, you are really angry about that. It's not that they don't know how they feel, it's not that they want to sit on their pity pot, but they want to know that the people around them get it, that hear what they're saying, hear their frustration and are supportive. Intuitive feelers are very good at solving problems however it takes them. They go about it a slightly different way. They need to acknowledge and then they look at how do we solve the problem in a way that makes the most people the happiest? How can we make them choose the best possible solution for everybody? Whereas a sensor thinker may use the what is the most expeditious or what is the most financial cost beneficial solution. So part of it goes back to problem solving, but part of it goes also points to the way we handle things and the way we compartmentalize. Center thinkers are very good at compartmentalizing emotions and focusing that energy on problem solving. And intuitive feelers don't feel the need to or the desire to compartmentalize their emotions because their emotions are very core to their to their person. But a lot of sensor thinkers find that simply acknowledging how their intuitive feeler partner feels it solves the problem. Then they're able to say, okay, you get it, now let's move on. So some basic tips. Extroverts often are stuck until we can talk it out. So if you're an introvert and you need time to think before you talk. Then say, give me 20 minutes, or when I get home from work, I need 20 minutes, 30 minutes to decompress, and then I want to hear about your day or I want to discuss the issue. But if the extrovert has a time, you know, they know that, okay? And I just bide my time for the next 20, 30 minutes and then we can talk about it. Then they don't feel so anxious, they don't feel rejected. Extroverts are adept at interpreting what's going on around them and may forget that introverts are not. Introverts typically do not take hints very well, and this can be true for a lot of people. But in my experience, personally as well as clinically, I found that introverts tend to be less sensitive to hints being dropped. It's important to recognize that and communicate that. My daddy used to regularly say, I don't pick up on hints. If you want something, you gotta tell me because I'm not aware as aware of all that stuff out there. It can kind of be overwhelming. Extroverts draw energy from being around people and may feel rejected if they don't understand the purpose of cave time. And I know I'm using that word again. But for introverts that get into a relationship with an extrovert, it's important to communicate to them, I'm not rejecting you. I am interested in what happened during your day, but I can't hear what you have to say until I get my head on straight, until I get grounded, whatever word you want to use, until I relax, decompress. There are a lot of different words you can use. I can't effectively hear you, so I need to be able to take 30 minutes, have quiet time so I can leave the office at the office. That way I can focus on you. Oh, how wonderful. Extroverts need to remember that introverts are stuck until they have a few minutes to regroup. It's important to focus on one thing at a time, not get tangential. If we want to keep an introvert's attention, it can be important to focus on one thing at a time. Introverts are more aware of what's going on inside them and may have difficulty interpreting what's going on around them. So if you're in a relationship with an introvert, and again, this is not always true, but it's important to recognize that they may not pick up on the passive aggressive sighs or huffs or silent treatment that you think is just screaming at them. It's important to communicate to them what's going on. Introverts can get overwhelmed by external stimulus. Recognizing this is important in relationships. And that can be, you know, like I said, when they come home from work, but it can also be when you go to an office Christmas party, or when you go to Disney World, or when you go even to the mall. The introvert may start getting overwhelmed very, very quickly. And it's important that the extrovert be aware of this. So if the introvert starts becoming irritable, they can identify it. Ideally, the introvert is self aware enough to say, you know what? I think I need to go sit out in the car for a few minutes. Cool. But when both parties understand the purpose of that, then feelings don't get hurt. Then nobody feels rejected. Sensors embrace or harness the creativity of the intuitive dreamer and their passion for constant improvement. And my husband's done a great job of that over the past 23 years. When I start getting these wild hairs, you know, he's like, let's make a list of them. And then you've got to prioritize. What are we going to work on? One at a time. You can't do all these things at once. Okay. Ask concrete questions of the intuitor to understand why it's a problem for them or how it doesn't fit with their vision and what their resolution looks like. You know, if we're going to have to. If you're talking about remodeling the kitchen, why, what's wrong with this current kitchen? What's the problem? How does it not fit with your vision? And what are you hoping this new kitchen will suddenly bring to you? Intuitors love to dream. We love to dream and think. So remind them to make it clear when they have something they actually want done. You know, if I am drop quote, dropping hints about remodeling the kitchen and no, I'm not dropping that hint right now, but if I were, then, you know, that might fall on deaf ears to the sensor, who's like, well, there's no problem with the kitchen. I guess she's just talking about something that we can do in a few years. If it's something that I want done now, I need to be very clear. This is something that needs to be done now. And this is why intuitors, us dreamers, we need to embrace the practicality of the sensor, who is great with details and motivated to fix things that are broken. If it ain't working, then they're right there. But if it's still working, it may be confusing or frustrating at the very least to have to work on it. Don't overwhelm the sensor with too many forward looking visions. You know, don't start walking around the house and talking about, you know, all of the different ways you can remodel and you know, because you'll see your sensor start to just kind of get this thousand mile stare going on. Thinkers to motivate the feeler Couch it in terms of how it will promote happiness, harmony and compassion. In what way does what I want you to do, how is it going to make you and everybody else happier? The feeler to motivate the thinker, we need to couch it in practical terms. Why is this the best decision based on the objective facts? It's just the way we're wired. Thinkers are from Mars and feelers are from Venus. If you want to put it that way, that might be a better approach. But regardless of whether you use temperament or you use gender roles or whatever you use, it's important to remember that humans are individuals and we have our own unique characteristics. When you look at the Kirsi or the Myers Briggs, for example, and you have extrovert here and introvert here on a spectrum, very few people are at one end or the other a lot. Most people are a mishmash. They're somewhere in the middle, which is why it's so important to talk and communicate with your significant other. And those videos that I told you about that you can find the link to it allceus.com Mars go through different questions or checklists if you want, if you want to look at it that way that you can think about when you're thinking about your significant other to try to identify particular characteristics that might help you understand and interact with them more effectively. All right, what questions do you have? Friar? I love that idea of museum fatigue. My son, bless his heart, he would get so excited when we would go into museums and he would bounce around from one exhibit to the other and he was all over the place and so excited and talking non stop the whole time. And it was exhausting. And we usually went when it wasn't too busy because he was that way. So it wasn't overly overwhelming for, because there were too many people. But I tend to be extroverted and at the end of the day with him, I was just like, oh my gosh, let me just sit down in the quiet for a minute. Cave time can be great for people. And you know, when we talk about mindfulness and meditation and all that kind of stuff. Remember, cave time doesn't necessarily mean sitting alone and doing nothing. It can mean. Even meditation can mean open awareness meditation where you're sitting your front porch or your back porch and you're watching the birds and you're just aware of what is in the moment and you're able to clear your head of all the clutter that it picked up along the way. And welcome to the Bronze Alexander. I'm happy to have you with us. The producer always reminds me that I need to switch over to the full screen when I'm finished with my PowerPoint. So, bada bing, what other questions do you have? It can be about Mars and Venus. It can be about temperament. It can be about abandonment, constructive disagreement, whatever it is that you have questions about. Because this is your time, I'm here for you until 4 o' clock if we have enough questions. D. The test that you would take would be. If you wanted to take the test, you could go to the. I always forget the suffix of it. Hang on just a second. Yes, here it is. You can learn more by going to kircy.com. And. And there are actually tests that you can take. Or you can look at the videos that I recommended that are on my website that have a very succinct checklist of characteristics for each temperament that really play off the main strengths or preferences for each end of the spectrum. Nevo asks what to do when a partner is mad about a philosophical disagreement. Anger indicates that the person feels frustrated or unsafe or unheard in some way. You know, they feel threatened in some way. So I would ask them about, you know, what about the fact that you don't agree with them is causing them to feel frustrated. Why is it that it is so important for them to have the power and to be right? Many people feel very threatened when there are philosophical disagreements because their philosophy is part of who they are. And when somebody disagrees with their philosophy, it feels like a rejection of who they are. And it's important to say, separate the difference. You can disagree on this philosophical issue and still like me as a person. You know, I know a lot of people who are in, I guess you would call them mixed marriages, where one is one person is one religion and another person's a completely different religion or even an atheist. And, you know, they differ philosophically, but they still love each other. They just know they don't agree with particular topics. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to address that and to feel comfortable, feel Safe and agree with somebody and still like them as a person. Fryer asked, do I think the popular notion of no contact with toxic family members is healthy, or is it overdone and destroying families? Oh, that is a loaded question, and I hate to use the cop out answer, but I'm gonna do it anyway. It depends on the family, and it depends on how toxic a person is. There is, you know, there may be a person who is, you know, physically violently abusive and, you know, threatening. You know, obviously you wouldn't want to put yourself in a situation with. With them. Then you have other family members who may have traits of what people like to throw around as common personality disorders, or they may have an addiction which can be very toxic in the family. Part of it depends on how that person impacts you and whether you're able to set and maintain your boundaries. When, you know, when we were little, we used to say, I'm rubber in your glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Now that is a great. That's actually a pretty great philosophy if you're dealing with a toxic person, because if you can recognize that what they're saying is more about them than about you and you can keep it from getting to you, then the need to maintain complete no contact may not be as strong. So it's about how safe you feel, feel and how well you can maintain your safety in the presence of that toxic person. It's important to also note, you know, if it's a toxic parent, you know, toxic parents can be very traumatizing. Supposed to love us and accept us and do all those things. And unfortunately, a lot of parents missed the whole chapter on separating the behavior from the person. So they can be hypercritical and it can be very toxic. And since they are our parents, a lot of times it cuts more to our core because our parents regularly communicate with our inner child. And so we feel more vulnerable, we feel more assaulted when. When it comes from a parent. I wish I could say that there was an easier answer to that. There is a book that I love from new Harbinger publications called Surviving the Borderline Parent. And in that book she talks about ways to cope with a caregiver who has borderline tendencies. And a lot of it applies to if the caregiver has an addiction because a lot of the characteristics of addiction are very similar or the addictive behaviors are very similar to that we. The behaviors that we see in people with borderline. So it's a good book. And there's actually a video I know, there's a surprise. There's a video on the YouTube channel that reviews Surviving the Borderline Parent. It's a longer video. It's like an hour and 15 minutes or something. But I do go through a lot of the highlights of the book, so it gives you a really good idea of about whether it's something that you think might be helpful. I have used the book in group therapy before where everyone's, you know, everyone gets a copy of the book and we go through it chapter by chapter. And it is, I found, been a very effective therapeutic tool. Thank you, Dee. I appreciate you very much. Friar Cluster B. I like that phrase because there is so much overlap between the cluster B diagnoses, which are borderline antisocial, narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders. But we really, and I will go on my soapbox for a minute here about personality disorders, particularly Cluster B. If you look at them, the majority of people who actually have a diagnosable personality disorder also have histories of pretty significant trauma. And if you explore their behaviors as a manifestation of how they coped with that trauma at whatever age it happened, it makes more sense. So if they were traumatized when they were six and as adults, when they get, when they interact with others, they often act like a six year old. You know, you can kind of understand where that might be coming from because the way they learned to deal with things that made them feel scared, they developed that when they were, they were six to survive. And unfortunately it didn't evolve as we would hope. Can I speak more about being assertive, especially for a daughter, to her mother who has had some bad life situations? Daughter doesn't want to hurt her mother, but needs to be assertive. Acknowledging the mother's bad life situations and past. One of the keys when communicating with people with trauma histories is helping them feel safe and empowered. So if you're going to communicate something, even assertively, that the person may perceive as critical, then it's crucial ahead of time to make sure that they feel safe. And when you're talking about it, make sure to point out I love you. You know, I really want to be with you. I need, you know, I. And use those I statements. I feel this way when this happens and this is what I need in order to feel safe. I'm not blaming you. I am just telling you at this point what I need. And it's probably not going to go super smooth, especially the first few times, but continually reasserting that you love her, that you want what's best for her, that you want to interact with her. Yet whatever you need to be assertive about, you know, maybe she is always honing in on how you parent your kids, asserting to her that you appreciate her input and you recognize that she has years of practice and wisdom raising you. However, you are choosing to raise your child in this way for this reason, and it can be. Frustrating for the caregiver, for the parent, and sometimes you may want to explore with that person whether getting that assertive feedback is hurtful to them because it makes them feel like you don't need them anymore. And for a parent, that can be a really hard pill to swallow. As our children become independent, we raise them, we want them to be independent, and they start becoming independent and then it's like they don't need us anymore. So, you know, been there, done that. I can encourage you without knowing what's going on in your situation. I'm just speaking in generalities. Use the I statements. Make sure she feels safe and empowered. Identify, you know, whatever she's doing, if she's doing something that you need her to stop doing, identify that she is offering it out of a place of love and you appreciate the fact that she loves and cares so much. However, and you know, kind of work at it that way to be as gentle in your feedback as possible. There are a lot it's important to remember when we talk about personality disorders. When we talk about a lot of different disorders, especially any that are on a spectrum, it's important to remember that there is normative behavior that. Let me rephrase that. Any of the symptoms of those things can be normative or non pathological or whatever word you want to use. Behavior to a certain degree, you know, for example, people with autism may have a very intense focus on a particular interest. Well, there's a lot of people that have that. It doesn't mean that that's a bad thing. It just means it's something that they care deeply about. So remembering that when we start talking about clinical diagnoses, when we talk about a diagnosis, it means there's a problem and it's a problem that causes my favorite phrase, clinically significant distress for the person in one or more areas of functioning. If the person doesn't perceive it as causing clinically significant distress, then you've got some other issues to contend with. Do I feel like therapy really works? That's another loaded question. Each person is different. Not every tool, even my favorite cognitive behavioral approaches, work for every single person. It's important to find a therapist if you're going to work with one. Find a therapist that works in a way that works for you. A humanistic therapist, for example, is going to be one that provides you a safe sounding board for you to talk things out and work things out. They are very non directive, so it can take longer. A cognitive behavioral therapist, dialectical behavior acceptance and commitment therapy, any of those dbt, CBT type therapists, they're going to be much more directive in what they do. A psychodynamic therapist is going to help you explore your current symptoms and your current issues, if you will, in terms of past experiences and how they're impacting you in the present. So there are a lot of different schools of thought or approaches to counseling. So the first thing is finding a therapist that has an approach that works for you. Now, as far as does therapy work, it's important to remember that we are biopsychosocial creatures. When we get depressed, when we get anxious, it causes physiological changes. And physiological changes can actually cause mood changes. But either way, you have changes in your physiology, you have changes in your mood that's going to affect your attitude and, and what your body pays attention to and what you notice, which can have a big effect on your perception. So there's a lot of cognition stuff there. And altering cognitions, altering the way we think about things so we feel safer and empowered, instead of using extreme language can help us down regulate or not overstimulate that stress response system which can help our body start to recover from intense stress. So I think that therapy is a very useful tool in a lot of different instances. However, I personally don't believe that talk therapy alone is ever sufficient. I think it needs to be combined with lifestyle behaviors that support healthy hormone and neurochemical balance and circadian rhythms. And there's a lot more to go into it than just altering the way you think. But if you've got traumatic experiences, if you've got stuff you need to process, or if you tend to think in overly personal or negative, all or nothing terms, you know, there are a lot of thought processes and memory issues that can be very effectively addressed in therapy. So those things are not contributing to ongoing physiological stress. And in some cases, nivo professionals can be more intrusive than the average person who has no academic degrees because they may try to go too fast or they may misinterpret some things. Whereas the average person, average friend that you're talking to provides more of a sounding board. If your therapist, if you're interacting with a therapist and we've had a couple comments on the YouTube channel lately, as well as this one. It's important that you feel comfortable with your therapist, that you feel like you can tell them anything and it won't overwhelm them, they won't judge you and that you're safe in the room with them, that you're not being interrogated, that you're not being picked apart or criticized. So if you start feeling that way, like you can't talk to them or you're being interrogated or you're not safe to be authentic and vulnerable, it's important to confront your therapist with that and say, you know what, I just don't feel comfortable when this happens because they may not realize it sometimes in, for example, a cognitive behavioral therapist, because we tend to be more directive, if we're not careful, we can make people feel like they're being interrogated. So it's helpful to, if a client is able to say, you know, I really, I feel like I'm being interrogated, you know, put it out there. And the therapist hopefully is able to hear that and modify their approach. You know, I say hopefully because therapists are human. But it's important to get that out there because if you're feeling interrogated, then you're probably going to be on the defensive, which means you don't feel safe and it's going to be harder to open up. Therapy can be paid by insurance therapy. There are a lot of. Not that they provide in depth therapy, but there are a lot of crisis hotlines that are out there to talk to people if you are in a place of crisis. I worked for a crisis hotline for many years and we would work with clients, you know, on a short term basis, you know, usually for a couple of weeks in order to help them get stabilized and maybe referred out. If you need sliding scale, if you don't have insurance, you can call United Way Information and Referral or go to their website. And there are often a lot of places in most cities and towns, I mean, even the town that I live in, which is a remote suburb of Nashville, we have free counseling options that are available for people who don't have insurance. So. So contact United Way Information and Referral if you need to get some free resources for counseling. It's important to remember that. And Fryer points this out, that therapists are people, we have our own approaches. And you're not going to mesh with every therapist and a good therapist is not going to take it personally if you say, you know what? This ain't working for me now. You can address it with them and ask them, you know, if you feel like you're not doing much, if it's not directive enough or you're not getting enough out of it, tell them what you're hoping to get and what you think would help to give them some direction, which way to go if you want to stay with that person. But, you know, when we have medical problems and we go see one doctor and they don't seem to have the right answer or no answer at all, we can get a second opinion. We don't think twice about that. It's important to remember that mental health is the same way if you are not congealing with your therapist, just like if you don't congeal with your physician, you may need to find someone that's a better fit. I'm glad that the name works for you, DJ I did it with a little bit of trepidation. I didn't know if it would anger the YouTube algorithms, but apparently it did not. So I'm very grateful. Well, I'm glad you're with us, Nathan. There is a lot of need for children's homes and think there's a lot that you can do in the future. So please stay in touch and you can email us@supportocsnipes.com I guess I don't have that up anymore. If you have any questions about, you know, how you might start down that. Start down that path. So when you get to the point where you're ready to start opening that, you can, you're prepared. How can you not tie your worth to academic rewards in the midst of intense schooling and clinical rounds? It's hard. I know you're like, I know that. That's why I'm asking the question. Recognizing when you are going through it. And this goes back to creating that vision of a rich and meaningful life. You have intense schooling, you have clinical rounds, and yes, that is part of who you are, and that's very important to you. And hopefully there are other areas in your life that are also important to you. There are other things that you're excelling at or. Or that are still there for you to support you. And separating, and this is the really hard part, separating unhooking your worth from academic achievement and recognizing that you are a very valuable person for who you are and for what you bring. And, okay, if you don't do so well on a. On an exam or during a particular clinical round or something, it provides you an opportunity to learn from it and improve Your skills, but your skills are different than who you are. And when you are doing something you know, that you've dreamed about doing forever, you know, maybe you wanted to be a doctor forever. I'm assuming you said clinical rounds that some sort of health profession and, and you start to struggle. It can feel very overwhelming. And remember or try to remind yourself that. You are a good person and you are a smart person and you may be failing at this particular thing. Maybe you are doing rounds in the emergency room and that is just not for you. Well, you're learning something about yourself, so you're narrowing where you're going to go. You're narrowing where you're doing, focusing. You know, when I worked, when I was doing internships and things, I learned very quickly that there were certain populations that I worked much better with and certain populations that I just was not nearly as effective with. And so that helped me hone and recognize that I am good at what I do when I stay in my lane. And the schooling part helped me define my lane. And that is the objective textbook response to what you're asking. However, I'm also hearing a lot of anxiety and trepidation coming from you because of all of the stress. So addressing, you know, thinking about what is it that you fear is going to happen? What are the facts for and against that belief? If you fear that you're going to be kicked out of school, okay. Or, well, we'll just go with that. What are the facts for and against that? Yeah, maybe you failed a test. Okay, you failed a test. So that may go in the pro column, but based on the facts, how likely is it, what is the probability that your worst fear is going to come true? That you're going to get kicked out of medical school? And what do you have within your power? What do you have control of to address the issue? So maybe you need to seek tutoring or go see your mentor and talk about a different placement or what you can do to improve your skills. So facts, control and probability to address whatever's triggering that anxiety can be another thing. Alrighty everybody. It is now 4 o' clock and I am so thrilled that you all came to today's presentation and we were able to cover a lot of topics and I look forward to seeing you on Thursday next week. Take care.
