Ask Me Anything About Mental Health and Wellness! Live Q&A

Foreign. Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's Ask Me Anything. We were. Well, I did have a meeting before this that I thought was going to run a little later and it didn't. So we are actually starting today at 12 o', clock, which is fine. The. We already have a question, so that's good too. How do I manage a grief burst or relapse? Especially if you begin attaching a story to it. Managing grief bursts starts with recognition, starts with mindfulness of the fact that, hey, this is what's going on. I'm having a grief burst. I'm feeling sad about it. It's reminding me of, and I've shared with y' all mo multiple times the experience I had when my mother tried to identify a hawk. And now when I see hawks, I can still remember her saying that. And sometimes I feel like I'm kind of right back there, but I remind myself that, you know, that was. That's a memory that I have and it's bittersweet. But acknowledging that grief, when. As you heal from grief, let me try to remember. I heard this analogy on a television show and I can't remember exactly how it goes, but he said something like, grief puts a hole in your heart and grief doesn't ever go away. The hole just gets smaller so you don't fall through it or fall into it every time you walk past it. And I thought that was kind of meaningful because we always are going to have this little spot where we feel a loss. We feel like something's missing, but that spot gets smaller as time goes on, as we learn to live without the person or without the thing. And as we develop our new normal, it doesn't mean that person's any less important to us and it doesn't mean that we don't miss them. However, we've learned how to tap into our memories of that person, our happy memories, our ideas. To this day, when I'm struggling with something, I think, you know, what would dad do? What would mom do if I called them right now, what would they tell me? And yeah, they're not here. Can't do that. But I can, you know, know, living with them for 20 some odd years, I can ask myself, what would they say? And that can help provide a sense of comfort. But mindfulness is first, recognizing what you're experiencing. Self compassion is second. Yeah, this hurts and it's unpleasant and I don't have to make it go away. It's not going to consume me. I, um. And then allowing that feeling to do with. Do with what that feel. Do with that feeling, what you think is most beneficial to helping you move toward your rich and meaningful life. You don't want to forget the person, most likely, so you're probably not going to try to shut it out and forget them. So what is it that you can do? Sometimes it means just sitting with that and going, yeah, that's. That's a bad memory from the past. And it helps me remember how important that person was to me, for example, so. Hello, seeking harmony. Hi, Lindsay. Hi, Oliver and Crystal, haven't seen you in a while. Oliver, welcome back. Hello, Trish. Do I have any knowledge about the link between parasites and mental health problems like toxoplasmosis? I know there is a connection between parasites and especially cognitive disorders, but I don't have a lot of good information on that. I can look it up and get back to you on that next Monday, but I don't have, whoopsie, now I'm throwing pencils at myself. That's one thing I have not studied in depth in, let's see, my son, my daughter's 21. So in about 21 years, After hearing personal issues from others, how do I decompress? One of the ways to decompress is, or I decompress is turning my attention back to me. I evaluate how my day went, what went well, what didn't go so well, and I recognize what is what from my day might be triggering stuff in me. And then I try to process that. And then the rest of the time I turn my attention to me. If my mind starts with drifting back to the client I saw at 10:00am or 2, 2:00 clock or whatever, I acknowledge it and I say, I'll think about that tomorrow. And then I turn my attention back. If it keeps going back to that issue, I may write it down so my mind knows I'm going to remember tomorrow. Dealing with people's worst moments can be exhausting. It can be stressful. I like to take time to focus on my animals in the evening so I can turn my attention to notice the good things instead of only noticing the negative things, only noticing the threats. I force myself to turn my attention and it is important to set boundaries with between myself and my clients, recognizing that I can't fix them. I can provide support, I can provide encouragement, I can provide knowledge. But they have to be willing to fix themselves and I have to set that boundary. If they're not doing what I want them to do, well, that's their choice. And accepting that can be a little Challenging for anybody, even if you're not codependent. But I have to do that for myself so I don't get too caught up in trying to focus on what did or didn't go well or what I should do tomorrow. I need me time, I need recovery time so I can be recharged for the next day. In terms of taking supplements, just like neurotransmitters are in a very, very delicate balance, supplements and, and are, well, not supplements, but our, our nutrients need to maintain that delicate balance. So for example, if you take one supplement, it may increase the availability and activity of, of certain nutrients and actually decrease the availability and activity of other nutrients. It's really difficult to get the proportions exactly right, which is why it's recommended to get most of your nutrients from whole organic foods. Try to stay away from the pesticides, try to stay away from things that are overly processed, and try to get at least three colors on your plate at every meal. And that goes a long way toward helping you meet your needs. Now, zinc itself, a lot of Americans can be zinc deficient. So focusing on and you can go online and find foods that are high in zinc and find something in there that you're willing to, willing to consume. If you're worried that you're not getting enough zinc to talk to your doctor there, your doctor can help you figure out if you are needing a supplement and if so, how much to take so you're not overdoing it, so you're not hindering the activity of other essential nutrients. If you've experienced the same type of grief multiple times, can that lead to see lead to ptsd? Well, if you say that trauma causes somebody to feel powerless and unsafe and if you say that when you lose something it is traumatic, you might be able to make an argument and I'd really have to sit down and chart this out. You might be able to make an argument for complex post traumatic stress. Definitely not traditional post traumatic stress. The other thing that I would look at is complex grief because experiencing the same type of losses can really cause you to feel powerless in that area of your life. For example, in my family, people have dropped like flies from cancer and it is something that I'll admit I have some health anxiety about because it's been so prominent in my family. And yeah, it's horrible. It's. It, it was horrible each time I experienced it and had to grieve it. And each time, each successive episode, not only was I dealing with that episode like the last one was my mom. So not Only was I dealing with her death, but it was also reminding me of going through it with my dad, going through it with my grandma, going through it with my uncle. So all of those memories and experiences which were very unpleasant were jumping on, kind of all piling on, going, oh, we've been here before. And even things that weren't specifically happening with her, I was remembering from those prior experiences. And because my schema had formed anticipating those things to happen, I was kind of waiting for them. And it's kind of like going through a. A haunted house and waiting for something to jump out in front of you. It's terrifying and exhausting all at the same same time. Stopping constant overthinking. Part of it depends on why you're overthinking. Are you getting enough sleep? When people don't get enough sleep, they tend to have more difficulty controlling their thoughts and then to have more intrusive, negative thoughts. So that's one. If you're overthinking because you're afraid of rejection and you want to, did I do it right? Did I? You know, you're reflecting on everything that you've done. If you went to dinner with somebody, you spend the next three hours thinking about, did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? And then I would look at why you're worried about that, what is triggering your fears of rejection? And what rejection? If that person said, I don't want to go out to dinner with you anymore, what that would mean to you? I mean, obviously it would feel horrible, but what does that mean about you as a person? And hopefully you'd come to the conclusion that you're still a great person, you may just not have been a good fit for that one. If you're overthinking because you're worried about what's going to happen, you're trying to play out all the scenarios. If this happens, then I'll do this. If that happens, then I'll do that. Identifying what it is about the future that is causing you to feel unsafe and powerless, and evaluating the facts in context. What is the likelihood that if this happens, the worst case scenario is actually going to play out? What is the likelihood that this is going to happen at all? So we want to look at the difference between probability and possibility. We also want to look at facts. I may believe that if something happens, then it's going to be a catastrophe. But if I look at the facts, what do I. What do I actually know? What do I. And I guess I'll quit being quite as evasive. I know a lot of people have a lot of anxiety about this upcoming election, okay? But when we look at the facts, what does the President actually have the ability to do all by themselves? What does the President need both the House and the Senate to sign off on? What things are controlled by the states and not the President at all. So those are all issue, whatever issues you're worried about, whatever situations you're worried about, asking yourself is this a state thing or a federal thing? And if it's a state thing, then be more worried about your local elections. If it's a federal thing, then recognizing whether it's something that can be changed on executive order or if it's something that has to pass both the House and the Senate. And we know how effective they are at passing things lately non ineffective, but so looking, getting the information, not just assuming that this is going to happen. People attribute way too much power to the President when there's actually a lot of steps that have to take place most of the time when it's being done right for things to happen. And I encourage people to think about that. Same thing is true. If you're waiting on blood test results to come back and you're worried about it. If you're blood tests come back and they're out of the quote, normal range. Okay, what does that mean? Eating. I'm a vegetarian and eating a lot of green leafy vegetables, especially one of my favorites which is stinging nettle. They all those have high levels of vitamin K so they can cause your blood levels, your blood work to be a little, a little out of, a little out of balance compared to people who don't eat as many green leafy vegetables. So just because my blood work came back out of the range doesn't necessarily mean I'm sick. A lot of other things would need to fall into place and it can mean a lot of other things. Okay, hang on. It jumped on me. I want to make sure I don't miss things. If you bombard your dopamine system and the receptors downregulated, but you still continued the addiction, what does the body do with the extra excess neurotransmitters if they are, if there are not enough receptors, they get reabsorbed. Ultimately they get kind of reabsorbed, which is why, you know, when you talk about tolerance, you have to have increasing levels or increasing intensity of stimulation to get the neurotransmitters levels high enough to actually stimulate the receptors. And it typically, typically your body also responds by secreting the enzymes and in a way to make the neurotransmitters not stay in that synaptic space too long to avoid over stimulating the receptors. Well, thank you. Crash course. I am glad you enjoy it. I don't know what it's called, nor have I been able to research it, but I was diagnosed and just had a full MRI on my brain and spine for relapsing, remitting MS, and it's been 10 years now. Well, I'm sorry for that. That is a really difficult thing to deal with, knowing that the chances, the likelihood of a relapse are relatively high for you right now until they figure out what is triggering these relapses. So hopefully they'll be able to examine that. I mean, if you were coming to me in clinic, we would talk about the obvious things that might trigger your stress response and make it hyperactive, which would potentially negatively impact your immune system and cause Ms. Relapses. Just like autoimmune relapses and other types of relapses, a lot of times they can be traced back to a stressor. Now, whether it's a psychological stressor or a physiological stressor, I don't know, and I don't know enough about Ms. To know whether what percentage of the. When you look at what's causing your relapses, what percentage of that could be due to stress? Maybe stress doesn't play that big of a. A factor in Ms. Relapses. I had a colleague in college who was diagnosed with Ms. And I do remember that stress management became important for her. And I'm thinking it probably plays a pretty big role. But again, not just thinking about emotional stress, but environmental stressors. Physical stressors, like sleep and circadian rhythms, those are things that I would encourage you to look at, just to check the block and go, yep, that's not causing a problem. That's not causing a problem. And start narrowing it down. So hopefully you can get to a place where you go, all right, these things are all common or all. Are all commonly happening right before I have a relapse. And, and really keep good journals about what that looks like so you can gather some more data. What is it called when they can't come to terms or even talk to me about my physical disabilities? Denial. They are in denial. They don't want to believe that you have it. And everybody has their own reasons for that. For parents, for example, it can be heart wrenching to know that your child is suffering, to know that your child has something wrong. With them and you can't fix it. So some parents will ignore it, some parents will become overly enmeshed, some parents will address it just right. Kind of like Goldilocks behavior has meaning. And when your parents, when your family are ignoring it, then ultimately the question becomes what are they communicating with that? Are they communicating that they don't believe it's a legit diagnosis? Well, you've got a doctor's diagnosis, so you know, they can't argue with that. Do they not believe that it's as bad as it is? And that could be that they're hoping. They're hoping it's not as bad as it is. So they're trying to pretend that everything's actually going to be okay. And that, again, is denial. They have got to grieve your diagnosis, just like you had to grieve your diagnosis. And you probably go through periods where you've got to grieve again as you have a relapse or as you lose different amounts of ability that you used to have. It's an ongoing process for you. For them, they're in the denial phase of the grief process. And then they need to move to anger, depression, and eventually acceptance where they're going to be like, okay, this is real. You have this. How can I help you? So identifying exactly why they won't engage with you, I can't do without a lot more information. But my sense is it has to do with their feelings of guilt because they weren't able to fix it, their feelings of fear because they don't know enough about it, and they re. They're afraid to find out their feelings of powerlessness and, and pain and devastation because there's nothing they can do about this. I'm wondering if you've approached them to try to educate them a little bit about what Ms. Is, what relapsing Ms. Is, and what the course is. For some people, once they get the knowledge, it can be helpful. Now, they may not want to sit down and talk with you about it. It may be helpful to make basically handouts available for them to read or provide them with links to very basic helpful websites. Nothing that's going to like, freak them out, but something that gives them enough awareness of what's going on so they can hear, know about the symptom and then they can see the symptom in you and can start connecting that, okay, this is real. Now we gotta deal with it. Another thing that you can do, even if they don't want to talk about it, is to tell them what you need them to do to help you, they may think and, and people do this with mood disorders all the time. If I don't talk to you about it, if I pretend it doesn't exist, then I'm respecting your boundaries. And I am, you know, if, if I ask you about your depression or your anxiety or your pain, then I'm going to make you think about it. And so I'm not going to ask you about it because I don't want to trigger you. That can be another faulty cognition. And if we tell people, hey, it's okay to ask me about it, it's okay to ask questions. If I'm not having a bad day, then I'll tell you I'm having a great day. They may feel like they don't know how to act around you and they're walking kind of on eggshells, not knowing what to say. Which again, if you tell them, this is what I need from you right now, this is what I'm going through and this is what I need from you, it can be helpful. It educates them, it gives them the knowledge. Now whether they choose to do it or not, that's the next step. But so grief, guilt, fear of what's going to happen, they may think that it's going to progress faster than it is and fear of triggering you, those would be kind of the reasons that I would think that they might be trying to stay in denial or avoiding addressing that particular issue. Let's see, For people who live alone, how do you balance self care and healthy living versus isolation and loneliness? For people who work at home, that is an excellent question and I wish I had a really good answer for you. Part of it is mindfulness, knowing yourself if you work at home. Some people, especially people who are true introverts if you will, who are further on the introverted scale, may think it prefer to work at home, work alone and other people may really crave that human interaction. I recently came to the epiphany that I really love working with people and but working with people on zoom, working with people on YouTube doesn't provide the same connection that I really crave. And so it's been been important for me to start taking on some more in person clients and for doing some more things in real life with people. So that's one thing is recognizing what is it that you need. You just need connection with others and how much of it do you need in to be happy in your rich and meaningful life. My husband and I are on polar opposites he's very much an introvert and you know, he talks to his mom once a week and whatever. We obviously talk. We work in the same house 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. But getting out and socializing and being around a lot of other people ain't his thing. It never has been. And when he does go out around other people, my daughter's the same way. It's not that they don't like other people, it just feels exhausting to them. So it takes a lot of energy and in terms of self care, recognizing what is it that I need to do for me interpersonally, what do I need in my relationships, what level, what amount of interaction do I need and what type of interaction do I need? Is going over to a friend's house and binge watching Netflix good or do I want to do something that is mentally stimulating? Figuring out what that looks like, figuring out how you're going to portion your energy. When you're working at home, you can look around and see stuff that needs to be done constantly. And it can feel, feel like stuff is always needing to be done. And setting boundaries with that stuff is really important. Setting boundaries with your work is really important as well. It can be tempting to work a 12, 14, 16 hour day when you're at home, because you're home, you can eat at your desk. You know, I'm guilty, but is that healthy? And that's where a lot of self care kind of starts to break down with working from home, the lack of human interaction and for some people, and the lack of boundaries in terms of work, separating home from work, that work, life balance, it all kind of blends together. Some people will have glasses that they use for computer work that they take off and they leave in their office when the day is done. And that's a signal that hey, work day's over. Some people, I, for example, will leave my office, I'll turn off all the lights, I'll shut the door, I don't come back in here until it's time to get to work the next day. Figuring out how to set those boundaries both cognitively and physically can be really helpful. It. How do I come to terms with my life not turning out as I had envisioned? Grief and regret can be buggers and some people call that existential anxiety. I didn't accomplish everything that I wanted to accomplish and you know, my time's running out, so to speak. We all have to examine what is important in our rich and meaningful life. When I was 18, 25. What was important in my rich and meaningful life at that point is different than what's important now. And I made choices. There was only so, so much time in the day and I couldn't do everything that I wanted to do. So I had to sacrifice some things. There are other things that I just chose not to do. And, yeah. Do I have regrets? Yes. But I also recognize that using a lot of energy, being angry about the things that I didn't do and can't do anymore is just stealing energy from the things that are important in my rich and meaningful life. The things that you didn't accomplish need to be grieved. I didn't do this. I need to grieve it. I need to get angry, I need to get depressed. And then I need to accept it. And however you work through that process. But it's a loss. If you had envisioned that you were going to become a doctor and it didn't happen, you need to acknowledge that. And that's a loss. That's something that you wanted, that you didn't get, you didn't have. And acknowledging that the loss of that dream or that hope is really important. Once you've grieved that, it's also important to recognize what you did have instead. You know, did I go to medical school? No. Did I instead devote my energy and become a mom and start a YouTube channel and all CEUs and do all that stuff? Yes. Did I go a slightly different path? Yeah. And looking back over it, I think it contributed to what I define as my rich and meaningful life now. I think it was a better choice in the long run to help me achieve the goals that I wanted to. And that, that's really the crux of it. Regret is anger at yourself for something you didn't do or something you did you shouldn't have done. So regret is anger. And holding on to that anger over something that can't be changed just drains your battery and steals energy from the things that are important in today's rich and meaningful life. What do you do with that anger? Well, that anger is the first step in the grieving process. So acknowledging it and then moving through. How to set boundaries. Great question. Bless J. Well, there are different kinds of boundaries. And in my videos on boundaries, we talk about how boundaries are. Are like a house. Okay. They're like the walls of a house that keep you safe. Some people you're not going to let in the front door because you don't know them, you don't trust them. Thank you very much. You Going to stay out there. Some people you may open the door for, you're not going to let them in, but you feel safe enough opening the door and talking to them. Other people you may invite into the foyer, or foyer, depending on what part of the country you are, and be willing to talk with them. Like the UPS man that delivers your packages every week. You start to recognize them, kind of sort of trust them. You may say, oh, well, come on in for a second out of the rain while I get you something that you need, you know, whatever. You're not going to give them full run of your house, but you feel comfortable enough saying, you know, come right inside the door for a minute and then you're going to have other people that you know and you trust enough to invite into your house. Maybe not full run of it. You know, you're going to have your neighbor come over, you're going to make dinner, you feel fine if they go find the bathroom and come back out. But you're there, you're monitoring. And there are only certain areas of the house that they're permitted to go. And then you've got the person that you trust implicitly, and this is the person you give a key to and have them watch your house when you're not there. This is the person who you trust enough to give them access to everything and believe that they won't violate that trust by. By going through your private stuff. Okay, so those are the different levels, whether it's, you know, a stranger or your bff, if you will. Now you have physical boundaries, how close you allow somebody to you physically, literally physical boundaries. And some cultures stand closer when they communicate than other cultures. And for Americans, that tends to make us a little nervous because we tend to have like an arm's length rule, if you will, when you're talking to somebody. Likewise, some cultures have rules, I guess, expectations for eye contact. And that's not, you know, physically touching you, but that is visually touching you, if you will. And we all have been in situations before where somebody's been staring at us and it started to feel. Feel really uncomfortable. That's a physical boundary. And what you do with that is really important. So your physical boundaries know what makes you feel safe, know. And then if somebody starts to violate that boundary, then you need to decide, do you leave the situation. So if it's some creepy person staring at you in the restaurant, you may choose to get up and leave the restaurant. If it's somebody that you are working with or somebody that's you're in a relationship with. In that case, you may choose to say, you know, it makes me a little bit uncomfortable when you stare directly at me for that long. And some people may be doing that because they're trying to be respectful and trying to show you that they are attentive. Other people whose culture dictates that they don't make eye contact may be avoiding on eye contact with you not to be disrespectful, but to be respectful. There are a lot of cultures where making eye contact with somebody is considered sort of a power move, and you don't make eye contact with authority figures or people who are older than you. So there's a lot of different reasons why somebody may accidentally violate or encroach on your boundaries. And it's important to at least give them the benefit of the doubt and let them know, hey, that's just a little too close, or, I'm not a hugger. Sorry, not a hugger. And then if they choose to violate it after you've stated your boundaries, then that's just plum disrespectful. Emotional and cognitive boundaries are how you think and feel. And we all have the right to our thoughts and feelings. And I'm going to try to get this out before I choke to death. If you are feeling like somebody is encroaching on those boundaries and telling you how to think, how to feel, and negating your thoughts and feelings, then that's aggressive. It's important to let them know, these are my thoughts and feelings, and you don't have to agree with them, but they're mine and you can't. It's not okay to tell me how to think or feel. You can tell me your position, you can tell me your thoughts and feelings, and I can choose to agree or disagree. But I'm again, I'm not going to tell you how to think or how to feel your environmental boundaries. That's your stuff. Like going having somebody read your diary. If you had siblings, somebody probably read your diary at some point, and that's not okay. And telling people that this is private, don't go into my closet without permission, that's setting that boundary. And then if they violate that boundary, then that is an act of disrespect. And you've got to figure out how to. How to address it with that person in a way that helps you feel safe. Steph, I am really glad that you're giving yourself space to grieve if it's what you need to do. Nobody has the right to tell you when you should or shouldn't be over it. Grieving is a very individual experience based on the loss itself and your prior experiences with other losses. So I am glad that you are being compassionate with yourself and taking time to allow yourself to process the feelings instead of just try to box them up somewhere and pretend they don't exist. What resources do I recommend for husbands understanding more about perimenopause or for better communication? Well, there's two different things perimenopause and it's really interesting. But men go through something they call andropause. We both, both men and women experience a relatively steep decline in our primary godadal hormones after we hit about 50 and and that's important to recognize helping your spouse or someone who doesn't understand understand the symptoms of perimenopause and what you're going through. I do have videos that talk about the function of of estrogen and progesterone on mood, so that could be helpful if they're willing to watch a video. You can also find some printed resources on it that you know if you google, I'm sure you can find stuff or if you ask, ask Perplexity if they'd prefer to read. But helping them understand that changes in your gonadal hormone levels impact your thyroid, it impacts your circadian rhythms, it impacts your sleep, it impacts your mood, it impacts your neurotransmitters, it impacts your body's ability to fight off infection and inflammation. So there's a lot of stuff that is unfortunately negatively impacted when our gonadal hormones start declining. And helping people recognize that there's also a lot of physiological sexual side effects that have to do with perimenopause as well. And that can also be helpful for your partner to be aware of. And it can be helpful for them in the same place to also understand that at some point they may go through something somewhat similar. Not all the same things. But. But testosterone also affects all those things that I listed for men in terms of better communication. I would encourage you to define what that means. Does that mean talking more because they keep it all bottled up? Does that mean using your love language because they're not communicating on an intimate level that you both understand? Does that mean communicating better with you based on your temperament, based on your personality style? I am somewhere in the middle of TNF when you look at the Myers Briggs. So a lot of my motivation. My motivation comes both from what makes my heart feel good, but also what is what is right, what is what, what does the Rule book say a lot of feelers need to have their feeling validated. They don't need it fixed. They just need somebody to say, I hear you're really upset about this. And they'll say, yeah, and let me tell you why, and this is what I'm going to do about it. But they need to feel like somebody gets them. They need to feel that connection like somebody gets them. Thinkers don't typically need that kind of validation. They have a problem and they want somebody to help them fix it or they'll fix it themselves. Thank you. They don't focus a lot on feeling type words. And if that's a problem you're having, then communicating to your partner. When I'm upset, this is what I need you to do. I need you to acknowledge that I'm how I'm feeling. I need you to acknowledge that I'm mad or I'm scared or whatever. And I need you to let me vent for a minute so I can figure out what to do about it. I can figure it out. I don't need you to fix it. I just need you to acknowledge that you understand. I'm trying to think about other communication difficulties. Mind reading is another one. If they agree, if they engage in mind reading, they assume they know what you want and they try to do it and they're wrong, then that's a problem and they need to ask you ahead of time. I assumed you wanted to go to Cabo on vacation. Yeah. No, really, I didn't. I wanted to go on a cruise or something. So that assuming can be a problem. If they assume that, if you assume that they're going to tell you something, if you try to read their mind and figure out what they want to know, or if they expect you to read their mind, it's like, well, you should have known. I shouldn't have had to tell you. Well, that's not fair either. We can't expect mind reading and we shouldn't engage in mind reading. In terms of seasonal affective disorder, it's important to recognize that part of it, not all of it, part of it is vitamin D levels, vitamin low. Vitamin D is strongly associated with depression in terms of circadian rhythms because the days are shorter. It's important to set your circadian rhythms and maintain them even through those winter days where the days are really short. You need to keep that bright light going. If you're really impacted by seasonal effective disorder. Bright light therapy is very helpful and it needs to be significantly bright. I've got some. They're Called Govee G O V E E Govee. Lights on either side of my desk, and I can adjust the temperature of the lights and I can adjust the brightness. But it's really important for me to help keep my circadian rhythm set, to have those on. Especially during the winter when it tends to be kind of dark. I don't do well in dark. Circadian rhythms are also set not only by light, but by temperature and. And activities. When you're engaged in social activities, your body says, hey, it's time to stay awake. When you're not engaged in social activities and it's dark and it's cool, then your body says, oh, all the stars are aligning. It's time to start getting sleepy. And that's something that we generally mess up quite effectively during the holidays because we're going to holiday parties and staying out later and not getting enough sleep and our circadian rhythms and get really out of sync and our stress levels go up on top of that for financial reasons or because you're having to deal with, you know, weird Uncle Bob or whatever. And that's another thing that can disrupt your sleep and your circadian rhythms. I would back up and look and say, what's different when I'm not experiencing the seasonal affective disorder or depression, and when I am, and really look at all pieces physically, what's different? Am I eating differently? Am I sleeping differently? My circadian rhythms different? What's going on interpersonally, what's different? Am I around when I'm depressed? Am I around people who are stressing me the heck out all the time, or not around anybody or what's going on emotionally, cognitively, environmentally? What is different when you are experiencing that depression versus not? And how can you address those issues? You're rich in meaningful life in is so important because just like your phone, you only have so much energy in your battery. And you've got to figure out how you're going to split that energy to move towards the things that are important in your life. And it's also important to recognize. And this actually comes from. If you go back to, I think it was 78, Kabasa published a paper on hardiness, commitment, control and challenge. When you know what's important in your rich and meaningful life, then when things start going crappy in one area, you can step back and you can look at the big picture and you can say, okay, all of these things are important in my rich and meaningful life. This one over here, it's in a crapper right now. But these over here are going really well. So knowing your rich and meaningful life is important. You can also look at the things that are important in your rich and meaningful life and say, you know, this one, there's nothing I can do about this one right now. So I'm going to put that on the table. And but there are things that I can do about these things. So I'm going to use my energy to focus on those things instead of trying to focus on something that's unchangeable. Really adds perspective. It gives you a framework to decide whether you're using your energy in a positive, proactive way or you're spinning your wheels. Things that you can do in or in order to manage age related changes. And it's interesting that you bring this up because I'm getting ready to do an entire series that will eventually be a certificate program on working with older adults. And I don't like the term elderly. That's just my personal hang up. And I don't like the term geriatric. That sounds even worse to me. Older adults and some people go into menopause or andropause very early and other people don't go into it until they're in their 50s. So assuming age is the exact cause is or that you can pinpoint somebody's issues based on their age is a little bit faulty. As you notice changes, acknowledge them, figure out what is it that I can't do that I used to do like that I used to do and what modifications can I make so maybe I can do it more. I can't run a 10k anymore. Used to be an avid runner. Can't do that anymore. Okay. But I still like to stay active. I can run shorter distances. I can ride the bike. There are a lot of other things I can do to stay active because that's ultimately what's important. Not exactly how I do it. That can be helpful. Maintaining your circadian rhythms. I know I sound like a broken record, but maintaining your circadian rhythms maintains the eb and flow of all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters in your body. And it is so important to, to mental health as well as physical health. Recognizing as we age and we have some of those physiological age related changes that we may not be able to do things for as long as we could before. You know, can't go out and work in, in the on the farm for four hours anymore. I need to keep it down to about two hours or I wake up the next morning and can hardly move. Yeah. Paying attention Is what I'm doing important to me, important in my rich and meaningful life? If so, how can I still do it and recognize my limitations as not being 20 anymore? I do have a couple of videos that talk about the Myers Briggs or temperament, as I generally call it, which help you understand the differences between the polls. Remember, temperament is on a continuum. Most people are not totally extroverts or totally introverts. They're somewhere on that continuum. But it is interesting to understand what makes people tick. And the introvert, extrovert dimension has to do with how much socialization you like and what kind of environment you prefer to be in and how you. It has a lot to do with how you like to interact with people. The sensing and intuitive dimension, or S and N has to do more with how you conceptualize information. Do you focus on the details and the facts or are you a big picture person? The T and F dimension is what motivates you. Are you motivated by facts and rules and stuff like that, or are you motivated by compassion and connection? Most people are not completely one or the other, but there's one that pulls a little bit harder at the heartstrings or their mind strings, if you will. And then J and P is your time management dimension. Judgers tend to be very structured, like to get things done early. They like to make plans. They love routine. Perceivers get bored really easily. They like to be more spontaneous. Going to the same job every day and doing the same thing and every day is annoying at the very least to them. So they prefer to have jobs like law enforcement or. Well, law enforcement's a good one, where every day is going to be a little bit different. It's not, not the same routine thing. Working in a factory would not be good for somebody who is a perceiver, for somebody who's a judger. Yeah, you know, knowing exactly what to expect would be glorious for them. But it's also important to recognize how your preferences in each one of those areas differ from your significant others and how, how you can compromise so both of you are getting your needs met. If you're like, I'm an extrovert, my husband's an introvert, we've figured out how to compromise. You know, if I want to go out with a big group of people, I do it by myself. If I'm willing to go out with a small group of people, maybe two or three other people, he's fine doing that. He just doesn't like to be in, you know, huge crowds of people for extended periods. We've learned how to, how to tailor it in a way that meets both of our needs and that has helped us, I guess. We've been married for 26 years, so I guess we're doing something right. You're right, Steph. Omegas are very important in helping to reduce systemic and neurocognitive inflammation. So when your omegas are low, that can contribute to mood issues. Eating too much processed food, you'd be surprised how much of a difference it makes. In support, I guess, of my daughter who has celiac disease, I quit eating gluten and when she moved out, I was like, oh, okay, I can have a little gluten Now. I'm not going to go back to, you know, doing what I used to do, but I can go back to eating a more moderated diet. Oh, no. Oh no. My body said, wait a minute, you got rid of that and now you're bringing it back. We're not playing that. So I've learned one thing, that whether you agree with them or not, I haven't seen any peer reviewed studies, so I'm not saying it's fun fact. However, RFK Jr. Has hypothesized that it's not the gluten itself that makes a lot of us feel really awful when we eat too much of it, but the pesticides that are sprayed on it. Because there are a lot of people, I know of at least a dozen people that have gone over to Europe and can eat bread and wheat based foods just fine, thank you very much. And they come back over here and they start eating those things and their, their stomach says, oh no. So there's definitely something going on. Why can you eat it over here but not over here? Is it the pesticides? Is it that we use genetically modified wheat? Is. And they don't? I don't know. You know, that's not my area of expertise. But I have heard from multiple different people that didn't know each other that when they've gone overseas, they've been able to consume moderate amounts of wheat. Now, I'm, I'm assuming they didn't go overboard. I didn't really grill them on it. Let's see. Vintage, seasoned. I like that. Yeah, I like those words. How can you communicate with a person who has severe trauma throughout their stages of life? People have also warned me. They cry wolf a lot and use people for their benefit to get attention. Well, what is the behavior communicating is, is one, being clear with that person about how you feel and setting clear boundaries is really important. If they are trying to get attention, then it's likely that they fear abandonment. You could look what you're talking about sounds a lot like histrionic personality disorder. But as most of you know, I really believe that the issue that causes personality disordered behaviors is trauma. Helping the person feel safe and feel accepted and feel like they're not going to be rejected. Even if you have to say no, making sure that they recognize I can't do that or I won't do that for you, and I'm still here for you can be really important. Now, when it comes to crying wolf, it's a little harder to navigate that delicately because essentially you're saying, prove it to me. But you can look, you can examine with that person the facts for and against their belief in context. If they believe that the neighbor down the street is stalking them, okay, let's look at the facts for and against that. Yes, they walk by your house three times a day, every single day, but they're walking their dog. So does that mean they're stalking you or they're just a creature of habit? Now, if they're coming in and peering in your windows and everything, that's a whole different thing. So we want to look at the facts for your belief and against it. We don't want to just say you're wrong. Let's look at all the reasons why you're wrong. We want to say let's evaluate maybe I'm wrong and, and that can be helpful. I don't know if extroverts live longer than introverts. That. That's an interesting question. A lot of us, when we're under stress, whether it's stress because of grief or trauma or anxiety, or we're not getting enough sleep because we're sick, or whatever is the stressor is contributes to fatigue and that fatigue impacts our relationships because our body says, you barely got enough energy to keep you going and get a shower in today. You don't have time for anybody else's nonsense. Which is why a lot of people, when they start getting burnt out, exhausted, you know, they're grieving, whatever, often withdraw from others because they just don't have. They don't have the extra bandwidth. Now there are a few people who go the other direction and they cling to other people because they're so afraid that they're not going to be able to have enough energy to handle life on life's terms. But the majority of people often will. Will withdraw. It makes sense, is my point. It makes sense that your social battery Would be very low. And if you are processing grief or trauma, yes, it is normal, Jaden, for trauma to bring physiological responses at the same time of year. The time of year is a trigger if something happened to you in the fall or we'll just stay with the fall, then when that time of year comes around, it will trigger, can trigger those feelings. Now fall is my favorite season. And as soon as we get that first overcast day where it's kind of crisp outside and the leaves are starting to change, I get really happy. That's a trigger for me to be happy. But for people who've had bad experiences in the fall, you know, obviously they're going to have a different reaction to those environmental stimuli. The temperature, smells, sights, length of day can all be triggers or all these sensory triggers for past experiences. We don't want to just limit triggers to direct reminders. We want to remember that when we're in a traumatic situation, our brain takes in as much as it can so it can help us stay safe in the future. That means it takes in, you know, information about where we were at, when we were at, who we were with, etc. And when we feel triggered, it triggers our autonomic nervous system. So yes, you will have a physiological response. One of the things that can be helpful is acknowledging how you feel but also working on strengthening your vagal tone so you can downregulate, you can communicate with yourself. In a way to say this reminds me of that time, but I'm safe now. I'm empowered now. And you can down regulate. What question do you have about the vagus nerve, Candace? Oops, while I'm waiting on that. How do you deal psychologically with uncertainty? Different people deal deal with it different ways. I'm a planner. I'm a J on that temperament. I like to have, you know, plan things out. So I'll have a plan A, plan B, plan C, plan D. You know, if I wake up tomorrow and it's sunny and warm, I'm going to do this. If it's sunny and cool, I'm going to do this. If it's raining, you know, you get the point. I don't know what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. It's Tennessee, give it an hour. The weather will change. But that's how I deal with things. I try to figure out what the possibilities are. Now you can go down a rabbit hole and start coming up with these possibilities that are very improbable. And I rein myself into the probable possibilities. What things? What are the options that could happen, that are likely to happen. And then I choose or I plan for those occurrences. That's how I do it. I also look at with whatever it is I'm concerned about. And like we talked about with the a little while ago with the election, with people being worried about the election, there's uncertainty. There certainly is. And I'm going to identify what is it about each outcome that makes me anxious and what are the facts for and against my beliefs. Relaxing your vagus nerve. You know, this is one of my favorite topics. Your vagus nerve winds through the body. The easiest place to access it is on your tragus, which is your ear flap, and right behind your ear. And you can put your middle finger on your tragus and your index finger behind your ear and rub just very, very gently. Not enough to make that flap go down, just enough to make the skin move. Kind of tickles a little bit. And that can help stimulate your vagus nerve. Chewing like chewing gum can. You have your trigeminal nerve, which comes in here, and its part feeds into that vagus nerve. And when we chew, it actually stimulates the vagus nerve. Why? Because when we eat, our body needs to go into rest and digest, not fight or flee. So by chewing, we are actually triggering the relaxation response so our body can receive the food and do something with it. I rec not that I'm recommending eating all the time. Chewing gum can be really helpful. Now, chewing bubble gum, if you can chew gum, if you don't have TMJ or something, chewing bubble gum can be doubly helpful. Because not only are you chewing which activates that trigeminal nerve, but you are also to blow bubbles. You're slowing your breathing. You breathe in and then you breathe out slowly to try and make that bubble as big as you can without having it pop on your face. So that can be helpful. One of my favorites is I call it bubble stuff. I don't know what the actual name for it is, but the little wands that you dip into the soap mixture and you blow bubbles, that can be awesome. It's great for little kids, and I am a little kid in a big person's body. I love blowing bubbles. I've actually put a little bit of essential oil of catnip in mine. I blow it for my cats, but that's a whole different issue. Anyhow, blowing bubbles is the same thing. It causes you to inhale deeply and then exhale slowly. If you exhale too fast, you don't get much in the way of good bubbles. That can be helpful mindful grounding exercises. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Identifying five things you see, four things you hear, three things you smell, two things you feel, and maybe one thing you can taste that forces your mind to focus on the present moment instead of being helter skelter everywhere, which can help you get grounded and recognize that you're safe and empowered in the present moment. Square breathing. Breathe in for four. Breathe. Hold for four. Exhale for four, hold for four. And repeat. And finally, another one of my absolute favorites, Singing loudly. And you can do this in your car and nobody looks at you. Well, they may look at you crazy, but I don't care if they look at me crazy. Get into that music. Sing loudly. When you project from your diaphragm again, you're slowing your breathing. And the vibrations made from singing actually kind of trigger some of this stuff up here, some of the vagus nerve. So that can be another good way of triggering your vagus nerve. Now, strengthening vagal tone is a little bit different. When we strengthen our vagal tone, what we're doing is we're saying, all right, stress system, you need to turn off relaxation system. I'm turning you on. And because we've been stressed for so long, our stress system is much stronger than our relaxation system. So it bullies that relaxation system. It says, go away, get out of here. So what we need to do is tell ourselves, I am going to trigger this relaxation response. And when I do, I'm going to realize that I'm safe and empowered. And then our vagus nerve gets a little stronger. Every time we activate that, we can make it get a little stronger. If you don't have a history of trauma, yoga can be really helpful. If you've got a history of trauma, approach, yoga, very, very carefully approach. Because that focus on internal sensations can be extremely triggering for people. But one of the things with yoga, or you can do it, all my weights are down. If you're doing weights, when you're focusing on raising that weight and you're breathing through it, focus on keeping your heart rate down and your breathing slowed. Your. Your body wants to ramp it up. One of the things I do when I'm doing cardio is I intentionally will get my heart rate up, but then I keep it right on this threshold right about 151, 152. And if it starts to go higher than that, instead of slowing down, I slow my breathing to trigger that vagus nerve to kick in and go, hey, we don't need to be running that wild right now. So there's a lot of different ways you can strengthen that vagal tone. Essentially what you're doing is calling it into service. You're saying, hey, you need to shut down the stress response and that eventually it will start responding on its own once it realizes, oh, that's what I'm supposed to do. Okay, I. I done forgotten. And I know why I turn all of our responses into anthropo little humans is. Is weird, but I do what I do. Okay, I'm gonna take two more questions and then I think I need to get going because I've got to go vote today. I'm sorry for that, John. Sounds like you've February is one of those months for you. When we're interacting with others who, as parents who are critical of our children, whether it's our own parents or our in laws or other parents that are on the playground, it can be difficult to manage those boundaries. And depending on the situation, it may or may not be appropriate to tell that person. Thank you for your input. I. I'll take it from here. I will. I will address this issue or thank you for your input. If you've got an issue with what my daughter's doing, please bring it to me and I will address it with her. That's how you can acknowledge that they are trying to be helpful in some way, in their own way, and you can control what goes toward. What goes toward your daughter. It's very disempowering. When somebody corrects our children. They step in and take away our power and start doing our job. Especially if they're correcting something we don't think needs to be corrected. So it's disempowering. And then it also may be insulting, like it may feel like they're saying we're not a good parent. We need to check that. If even if they're saying they don't think we're a good parent, do you really care? Do you really care what that person's opinion is of your parenting? Or do you know that you are being a good parent and responding to your child in a way that best meets their needs? My mother, for the longest time, vehemently disagreed with the fact that we homeschooled our children. And. And she went to her grave vehemently disagreeing with that and thought that that was one of the worst things that we did for our kids. But that's not what my husband and I thought. And we had a great group of homeschool families that we Recreated with and spent time with. And, you know, the kids are still in touch. They've been out of high school for five years now, and they're still in touch with one another. And it worked for them, it worked for us. What worked for her wasn't necessarily what was appropriate. Raising me wasn't necessarily what was appropriate for our kids and raising them. And it was important for me to recognize that her input was well meaning, misinformed, but well meaning. And at a certain point, it wasn't worth the energy of trying to explain myself because she was having none of it. So we agreed to disagree on that and let it go. Was it difficult to keep a smile on my face when those little quips would come out about, you know, if the kids had a real teacher? Yes, yes, it was difficult. However, I chose in that particular circumstance with family to let it roll off my back. I also chose to acknowledge that when my kids went to visit her for the summer, they would go and spend a week or two with her during the summer, that her. Her house, her rules. And, you know, obviously my children knew, you know, minimal or levels of behavior that were appropriate. They weren't going to run around like little banshees. But there were certain things that she didn't tolerate at her home that I tolerated at mine. And I said, okay, you remember at grandma's house, you can't do this. That. That's fine. That's her rule. And respecting her boundaries was really important for me and acknowledging that her heart was really in the right place. We just saw things from different perspectives. Tips for low mental energy and motivation after stopping an ssri. Well, I'm hoping they had you taper off the SSRI because stopping suddenly can be really a jolt to the system. Your brain has actually got to heal itself. It adjusted to you ingesting that SSR SSRI for a long time. So it's still expecting that being compassionate with yourself, identifying what you need to spend your energy on is really important. Chunking things instead of expecting yourself when you were. Maybe when you were on the ssri, you could work for eight hours straight, no problem. Well, now maybe you need to work for two hours and take a little break. And work for two hours and take a little break. Whatever it is you need to do to make reasonable adjustments or reasonable modifications to accommodate your. Your body while it heals is going to be really important. There is no magic sauce for suddenly getting energy and motivation back because those are all involved in the serotonin, the norepinephrine, and the dopamine that are now trying to figure out how to rebalance themselves. All right, last one. I don't know why, but I have a hard time being in romantic relationships even with people who are clearly healthy to be with. A part of me has always been scared I'll lose my independence. So you know why. And I don't mean that to be flip. Behavior has meaning. Behavior is communication. There is something in your past or someone in your past that made you believe that being in a relationship would cause you to lose your independence. Whether it was an enmeshed parent or an early relationship that became very enmeshed and you lost yourself in it. I don't know. Or maybe it was somebody else's relationship that you saw. Like your. Maybe your parents were completely enmeshed with one another and it was hard to tell where one ended and the other one began. That could be a fear, and that could prompt a fear in you. Okay, if you're afraid you're going to lose your independence, what does having your independence look like? What is it that you need to maintain even if you're in a relationship? Make that list. In prior relationships that you've been in when you've started to get got out of them because you were afraid you were losing your independence. Afraid is fear, and fear is an emotion. It's not a fact. So what thoughts were you having that triggered your fear that you were starting to lose your independence? I also wonder, just kind of throwing this out there, whether you're afraid of being abandoned. You start relying on somebody not being dependent, but relying on somebody, getting used to having somebody in your life, getting into a routine, and then they abandon you and it feels like your world falls apart. So that's a little bit different than independence. But again, I ask you to look back and figure out what experiences have you had or have you observed in those you love that have told you or taught you that being in a romantic relationship is inherently going to lose result in a loss of your independence, that being in a relationship eventually will feel threatening and overwhelming. Okay, everybody, it is time for me to go. I really enjoyed everybody being here today. You had great questions. I know. I didn't get a chance to answer all of them. But I will be back here next Monday, same time, same station. So please come back. Please bring your friends. We don't have many people here today, so, you know, I'd really like to see these numbers up over a hundred. If you have friends, you know people. You know people in your church congregation, people on Twitter, X whatever we call it now Facebook. Please invite them to come. Invite them to ask questions about mental health. If you are in college working on becoming a counselor, then you probably are in classes with people who are also wanting to become counselors or psychologists. Have them come. Have them ask questions. Mondays are the time for you to pick my brain. So on that note, everybody have an amazing day. Please remember to like and share and and I'll see you next week.