Ask Me Anything About Mental Health and Wellness! Live Q&A

Foreign. Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's live Q and A. I AM your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. This is a opportunity for you to kind of pick my brain a little bit about all things mental health and wellness. Today we are not necessarily focusing on disaster mental health, but if that's something you want to talk about, we most certainly can. Hello, Maximino and share. I appreciate the serious prayers for us, Cher. I'm taking all I can get right now and I think a lot of people, I guess I will go on to that topic now. I think a lot of people are starting to suffer from what we call compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue happens when you've used so much energy being compassionate that it's hard to gin up that energy anymore. It's just you're trying to figure out where you're going to find that neck next. Energy bolus in order to be empathetic with the next person. And it's important to recognize, yeah, lifting things, bringing supplies to people, helping people move, whatever, that certainly takes a lot of energy. But being empathetic to someone also takes a lot of energy. Actually trying to put yourself in their shoes or in their place can be exhausting. A lot of people have had prior traumas reactivated, so they're dealing with that in addition to having compassion for, for the people who are suffering right now, in addition to feeling powerless to do a lot. And all of those things are just combining together to create sort of the perfect storm for compassion fatigue. Be kind to yourself during when you're starting to experience compassion fatigue and make sure that you're giving compassion to yourself. But because if you start getting burned out and irritable, then you're not going to be able to be continue to be compassionate and effective. All righty. Terrell asks, how do I cure driving anxiety? Well, cure. Let's talk about addressing it. And one of the things is to examine when that driving anxiety started. Was it something that started after a car wreck or is it it something that you've always had? I know my son had intense driving anxiety when he was younger, and I don't think it's as prevalent anymore because he drives and he actually drives quite a lot. But it took a while for him to feel confident behind the wheel of a car. So figuring out if there was something that happened that's causing you to expect driving to be dangerous, evaluating those thoughts about driving as such, based on the facts in the current context, how likely is it that you're going to get into a crash? How likely is it? And we can't necessarily predict all of those things. You know, we can't predict the future. But looking at basic stats, is it likely at some point in your life you're going to be in a traffic crash? Yeah, probably. That's just unfortunately the fact. Is it likely at some point in your life you're going to be in a devastating or life threatening traffic crash. That's a much, much lower number and sorry, I've got hair or something on my nose. So examining the facts for and against your fears in context. Choosing routes until you feel more confident that are less busy. Not getting on the interstate during rush hour, for example, taking back roads to get places. Yeah, it'll take a little bit longer, but you'll be avoiding a lot of the excess traffic. And once you start feeling confident doing that, then potentially starting to get on the busier roads during times when they're less busy. You know, to this day I don't like driving in super heavy traffic. I just, I don't and I avoid it when at all possible. Sometimes it's unavoidable. But I do my best to schedule my day so I leave the house before rush hour. I get close to where I have to make my first stop in the morning, then I work out and take a shower and get ready for work and then I can go from that place to the clinic I'm supposed to be at really easily. It's a short distance and I'm not having to fight that traffic because I drove most of the way before rush hour hit. That's what I do. Keeping a log when you drive so you can see how many times that you've actually driven that have been fine, that you've been safe, that you've had no problems and recognizing, you know, there are sometimes you may have to slam on brakes or something, but recognizing that you were driving and yes, something did happen that could have been bad, but because you were alert, because you were aware you were able to avoid that you were empowered to avoid that. Keeping that log can help you start looking at again, looking at probabilities. I've been out, I've been driving for a year and I haven't been in a crash. Well, so probably means that you're a pretty good driver and you can build on that. That's where I would probably start. Nora says I have bipolar rapid recycling diagnosis. If you're having a lot of night terrors and bad dreams, I would discuss it with your psychiatrist as there are. It could be a side effect of the medication you're on. Or it may be just part of the bipolar disorder that you're experiencing. And they may be able to change your meds in a way that can help you get sleep. Because, yeah, you do need to get good quality sleep in order to manage your bipolar symptoms. The best way to deal with toxic shame. Unfortunately, I can't tell you one way it's going. Partly to depend on the person. Shame is believing that I'm a bad person, believing that I'm unlovable, believing that I am not okay based on who I am. Guilt is being angry with myself for doing something that I shouldn't have, or not doing something that I should have. And there's toxic forms of both. What we really need to examine is what is the person telling themselves that is contributing to their feelings of guilt or shame? Again, get that down on paper. And we've talked before. Or on a whiteboard if you don't want to use paper. I get it. We've talked about the importance of writing things down before because it helps get it. Whoops. Get it out of your head. And it also helps it sort of stick around for longer. And I know that sounds weird, but they've done studies, they've found that when we write things down and we're looking at them, they. We engage with them in a different way than if we're just talking about them. So write it. Write down the thought and then evaluate the facts for and against those beliefs. For and against the belief that you are you did something wrong. For and against the belief that you're not good enough or you are unlovable. For and against the belief that is contributing to that toxic shame or to that toxic guilt. Toxic. Well, guilt in and of itself. Sometimes we. We screw up and we should feel guilty for what we did. We have that feeling. We learn from it, so we don't do it again. We make amends where necessary, and we use that knowledge to move on. That's what the energy from guilt is supposed to do. Toxic guilt is when we feel guilty for things that are out of our control. We had nothing to do with it. People may have toxic guilt, guilt about surviving during. After a disaster. They may have toxic guilt for having. When some people don't have. There are a lot of different kinds of toxic guilt, and it's important to examine. Is this something that you would sort of hold against someone else? Is this something you'd be angry at somebody else for? Would you be angry at them for surviving? Would you be angry at them for succeeding? Would you be Angry at them, Fill in the blank. And if the answer is no, then we're probably heading in the direction of toxic guilt. If you're angry at yourself for those things, guilt is anger at yourself. Anger is a threat response, and it's designed to help us learn from the situation and stay safe so we don't do it again, so we don't encounter it again. And if we are consistently holding on to guilt, if we're refusing to let guilt go or shame go, then we need to examine what the function of that is. In what way is holding on to guilt or shame this toxic guilt or shame, in what way is that helping us move toward our rich and meaningful life? In what way or ways is it potentially helping us feel safer? Some people in addiction recovery, for example, will hold on to guilt about what they did in their addiction because they're afraid that if they forgive themselves, then they will relapse. And we spend a lot of time talking about that in recovery and about how holding on to that guilt and anger at themselves is actually more likely to push them towards relapse and using that energy instead of holding on to the guilt and anger and just nurturing it, using that energy to operationalize their relapse prevention plan to do the things they need to do to stay clean and sober and move toward their rich and meaningful life. Hello, Guarov. How do I. How do you overcome negative emotions? You're alone in your house, apart from your family, and you fear what will happen after they die, and you're not ready to marry. So that's a lot of stuff right there. First thing, when you are experiencing negative emotions, recognize them. Anger and anxiety. That's your body's reaction to perceiving a threat. You believe that there's a threat coming from somewhere. Now, it may not. There may not be a threat. Okay. It's kind of like our internal smoke alarm. Just because the smoke alarm goes off doesn't mean there's a fire. So that internal smoke alarm goes off and starts causing you to feel angry or anxious. Write down what thoughts you're having that are causing you to feel vulnerable, causing you to feel threatened in some way, and evaluate their accuracy in the present context. I would also encourage you, I have a video on this, to define your rich and meaningful life. That way you can examine whether you're using your energy to move toward what's important in your rich and meaningful life or away from it. And that can help you to figure out what to do with your energy. Sometimes during those down periods, instead of being. Using all of your energy stuck up in your own head. You can redirect some of that energy to doing things that'll help you move toward the life you want. Whether that's succeeding in your career or exploring life, whatever that means to you, or getting married. And I know you said you're not ready to marry yet, so. Okay, that's fine. I encourage you to recognize that depression is a feeling of hopelessness. And hopelessness and depression often comes after something has made us feel powerless. Whether that is a disaster, for example, or a family member getting sick. We feel totally powerless. Then we, we may get angry that they got sick. We may feel depressed. But depression is that hopelessness and helplessness. Okay, about what? If you're feeling depressed right now, about what do you feel depressed? What thoughts are you having? What things are you depressed about? And regarding each of those things, what do you have the power to control and what don't you have the power to control? Your parents passing? You don't have the power to control that, unfortunately, that's just you. You can't even predict when it'll happen, which is unfortunate in a lot of ways. But if it's something you feel depressed about because we know our parents are going to pass at some point, unfortunately, what can you do? What are you empowered to do? What do you have the control to do between now and then to make the most of the time that you have together? What is it in this particular situation you fear? What will happen to you after your parents death? Okay, what fears do you have that what do they take care of now that you won't be able to take care of on your own, and then making a plan for how to get support or how to get resources to take care of those things on your own. Given that it sounds like you've got a lot of stress and a lot of what we call existential anxiety going on right now? An existential anxiety comes up when we start fearing death or feeling. Fearing death of our loved ones and being uncomfortable with the fact that we are powerless over some things. It makes sense that your concentration is probably bad. When anxiety is up or depression is up, concentration is gone. When we are in fight or flight, our brain is focused on helping us stay safe. And it's not focused on our job, it's not focused on the task at hand, so to speak, because that's not the priority. Survival is. So to get your attention back, it's going to be important to help yourself feel safer and more empowered about what's going on right now, as well as addressing those fears about the future so you're not in this constant state of, oh my gosh, what's going to happen? That will help some. In the meantime, write things down. Don't expect yourself to remember things. Break things into smaller tasks, however long your concentration is. If it's 10 minutes, all right, 10 minutes at a time. If it's 30 minutes, 30 minutes at a time. And be compassionate with yourself. When you notice your mind wandering, even if it's during that 10 minutes, acknowledge it, bring it back, and try to focus on the task at hand. If you are being distracted from whatever you're trying to do, if that's what's breaking your concentration is your anxiety, I would encourage you, when you have an anxious thought, write it down and put it in an envelope. At a certain time each day, maybe 5:30 in the evening, give yourself time to review your worries of the day. But you've written it down and you've set it aside for now so you don't have to worry about it. It's. And that's one way of compartmentalizing your anxiety. So, okay, I'm thinking about this right now. I'm worried about this, but I need to focus on my work. So I'm going to write this down on a piece of paper, put it in the envelope, and I'll take care of it tonight. It's not something I have to take care of right now. That way I can focus on the task at hand. In terms of health. Anxiety, which is what you're describing, when you fear what will happen if you end up with a chronic illness or cancer, a terminal disease again, it's important to examine what thoughts you're having, what you're telling yourself about that chronic disease. It's important to examine what experiences you've had with that chronic disease. We'll take cancer. You. You brought that one up. My family has had a lot of cancer in it, and I've watched a lot of people pass away from it. What I also have recognized is that cancer treatments are becoming so much more effective now. My uncle lived for 13 years after his diagnosis of bladder cancer, so, and, and he had a good quality of life up until the very, very end. And that gives me hope and recognizing what the risk factors are for cancer and making sure I minimize those. I'm empowered to do that. I'm empowered to avoid alcohol. I'm empowered to exercise. I'm empowered to eat cruciferous vegetables and a healthy diet. You know, there, there are things I can do to reduce my chances. And those things that I'm doing to reduce my chances, even if I got cancer, would make my immune system and my body healthier and better able to get rid of the cancer than if I hadn't been doing those things. It's important with the diseases and disorders, whether they're chronic or terminal, to also find information about the survivors. A lot of times we hear about the deaths, but the survivors. One of the articles I read the other day, apparently, and I haven't fact checked this so it could have been false, fake news, I don't know for sure. But apparently Jimmy Carter had brain cancer and they were able to get rid of his brain cancer and he's 100 years old now. So there are a lot of people who get cancer, who beat cancer and go on to live very, very long, healthy lives. Assuming that some the worst case scenario is going to happen, not only will that increase your anxiety, but it'll also reduce your immune system. Get information, live your healthiest life. Avoid sources that are not reputable and talk with your doctor. One of the things that I tell people that I've been told is stay off WebMD because a lot of times they will have, you know, some benign reasons why you might have this symptom and then some really catastrophic reasons why you might have the symptom. The likelihood is that it's something very benign. But if you've got health anxiety, you're gonna zero in on its cancer or it's some neurological disease or something when that's probably prob. Probabilistically speaking, not the case. So just stay away from those and talk to your doctor. Tell, ask your doctor, what am I at risk for? What can I do to reduce my risks? And if you have an particular fear or that may or may not be triggered by prior trauma, you may end up talking to a therapist who specializes in health anxiety and who can help you get the facts about the things that you're concerned about. Hello Senorita Aurora, welcome back. Hello Cher. Do I have a video on elders coping with elder life? Is it normal to get depressed about this? Okay. There are a lot of, there's actually a lot of questions in there. I do have a couple videos on mentor mental health in older adults. I am getting ready to do an entire series because I am taking a job where I am going to be working in long term care facilities and rehabilitation facilities. So I need to refresh my knowledge and skills about that stuff. So do stay tuned because there are going, there is going to be a big old series coming out that has to do with aging, mental health as well as mental health issues surrounding being in a rehab facility. So that's one thing. Do people get depressed as they age? Yeah, we do. Recognizing that we're not spring chickens anymore, recognizing that we don't have the bodies of 20 year olds and can't do what we did when we were 20 years old, again, we can grieve that. Recognizing that we don't have 80 more years to live, that's that existential grief. Again, people may grieve that and feel depressed having changes in our life. A lot of people get really depressed when they retire because the family that they used to go to, 40 hours a week, they're not interacting with anymore. And so even though retirement's supposed to be this happy, happy go, lucky free time, a lot of times people end up feeling very isolated. Some people will get depressed when they see icons from their childhood or from their youth passing on. I know my husband and I are going through that right now. And I remember when my parents were alive, they were both journalists. So as Peter Jennings died, as Walter Cronkite died, as you know, all those big name anchors died, my stepfather had worked with them all and it was just heart wrenching for him to see that happen. And he had his own death trauma that he carried with them most of his life. So when these people died, not only did it feel like, oh, you know, I'm going to be next, but it also reignited or I don't know what other word to use the trauma over what happened when he was a young man. So there's a lot of reasons we may become depressed now remember? Well, and one more, one more big one before I go on to interventions. As we age, our hormones change and there is a direct link between mood and the availability of serotonin, estrogen, testosterone, oxytocin and DHEA in the human body. As we age, those go nadal hormones drop, which means serotonin is less available, which means as we age and our hormones change, there can be a precipitous drop in our mood that some people choose to address and other people don't. But do recognize that part of it is a function of, of aging, of phys. Physiological aging. Again, Again, can it be addressed? Yes, if you choose to. But it's something that a lot of people don't realize. No matter how much they will themselves to be happy, if they're for example, postmenopausal and have no estrogen left anymore, their energy and mood actually may be lower than, than it was prior to menopause for that reason. So look at any physiological changes. A lot of people as they get older also may develop hypothyroid. And it's important to recognize that hypothyroid masquerades as depression. Get that blood work done, get that blood work done. Then to talk with your doctor about the best courses for you. People who are older have a harder time making vitamin D from the sun. So vitamin D is also associated with depression and mood disorders and increased pain. As we get older, our body can't make that vitamin D. A lot of people who are older may need more vitamin D than they did when they were younger because their body isn't processing it through their skin. Now onto the cognitive interventions. Depression is that sense of hopelessness and helplessness. And yeah, there's a bunch of crap that we have no control over. But if you examine, you know, do that activity of defining what's important in your rich and meaningful life and examine what you do have the power to change, what you do have the power to address right now is really important. Using your energy to move toward your highest quality of life is really important. And it can help you feel more empowered. If you're focusing on what you can do instead of what you can't do, if you're focusing on what you're looking forward to, what you're getting ready to do instead of regretting what you haven't done, that will help you feel more motivated, more empowered, maybe happier, I don't know. Again, you've got to just, you've got to figure out how much of your distress is cognitive, how much of your distress is physical and maybe even how much of your distress is environmental. Do you look around your house and you think, you know, it's gray, it's blah. Or if you're in a long term care facility, you know, is it warm and inviting and cheerful or is it depressing is all get out. Make sure if you're home alone a lot, a lot of people when, as we age, especially after we retire, we are home a lot. And we may not keep it as bright as we kept it in the office. And we may not be outside as much as we were when we were younger, which can also contribute to circadian rhythm disruptions, which contribute to depression and just feeling environmentally feeling blah and drab. We need to keep it inviting, whatever inviting means for you. I don't know if you, y' all can see on that wall, I've got a Tapestry of a rooster. And on that wall I have a tapestry of cats. That's inviting for me. Some people may come in and go, no, we need cleaner lines. We need, you know, more white. I don't know. But I made my environment as inviting as possible, so I was happy coming up to my office every day. How do we live with parents who have bipolar and schizophrenia? How can. All right, I don't understand the last sentence. If your parents have bipolar and schizophrenia, it's important to work with the doctor to. Because both of those are neurochemical in nature. Yes, there are some cognitive interventions, there's life skills interventions that can be implemented depending on the degree of their bipolar and schizophrenia, they may qualify for in home health care through Medicaid or Medicare. I don't know how old they are. So there are resources out there. It's a matter of connecting with a social worker or somebody who can help you figure out how to access the resources you need. And I'm not sure, when you say, how do we live with parents with these diagnoses, I'm not sure what problems they're causing for you right now, whether it's, you can't leave them alone, so you need access to adult daycare, or whether they're having symptom breakthroughs, which is something that their psychiatrist really needs to address, or, you know, I'm not sure what the issues are. So if you write down all of the issues, then you can talk with their psychiatrist about who could help you connect with the resources that. That might help you manage that better. Religion and magical thinking often get compared a lot. And the question is, what's the difference between the two? And religion is a belief in a higher power, a code of behavior, so to speak, that helps give life meaning. Magical thinking, on the other hand, I mean, the two kind of overlap a little bit. But magical thinking is believing, for example, if I do X, Y and Z, then this will happen. And. And we can't guarantee that every time we put our hand into the hat, we're going to pull a rabbit out. That's magical thinking. We can't guarantee that if we pray somebody gets. Gets well that they're going to get well. And that's where a lot of people get frustrated with religion is expecting things that are out of our control, expecting that we can control things that are out of our control. Hello, roller girl. Welcome. Best advice for a family scapegoat who still struggles with relationships and other people. Well, recognizing that you're a scapegoat is half the Battle you're. You understand that you're being blamed for things that aren't your fault. And recognizing that is important. Now, the people who are blaming you. Blame is a form of anger. I'm going to blame you for this. I'm going to try to take control and I'm going to be angry at you for this because I don't have anybody else to be angry at, and I'm not going to be angry at myself. So blame is an aggressive power move, getting people who are stuck, still struggling with addiction or with mental health issues or just in general to accept responsibility and not make you the scapegoat. That might not be a realistic expectation for those people. I don't know. I mean, in some cases you may be able to sit down and have a reasonable discussion about, I hear you're blaming me for this, but I had nothing to do with it. Or I'm wondering how you see that, what. What you think I did that makes this my fault. Most of the time that conversation's not going to go well. If somebody is in an active blaming place, why they're blaming. A lot of times they feel insecure or they're afraid that if somebody sees that they made a mistake or didn't achieve something that they won't be accepted. So they're afraid of abandonment, they're afraid of criticism, they're afraid of something. And blaming is a way of taking control and putting this distress on you. It's your fault. Recognizing that they may be doing the best that they can is important. Again, recognizing that they may not be willing or able to change their behaviors. And so you're going to have to proceed accordingly. What is safe for you in terms of your mental health and your ability to connect with and trust others? Is interacting with these toxic people keeping you from being able to form other healthy relationships in your life? And how can you navigate. There's a book that I recommend a lot. I've got a video on it and I. I really think it's worth. You can get it. You can probably get it from Better World Books or something used, but you can probably get it used off Amazon. It is Surviving the Borderline Parent. And it is a must read in my opinion, for anyone who has grown up in a chaotic family. Even if the parent wasn't actually borderline, if they had an addiction, if they had a mental health disorder, it was chaotic. And this book really addresses a lot of those blame dynam dynamics and helps you through questions because it's. There's some writing and then there's like 10 or 15 questions and then some more writing. So it breaks it up. It really helps you reflect on how you want to address those relationships. I've actually used that book in group multiple times and it's been a hit. We go through each section and then we end with the question bank and that's what we process in group. And then the next time we do the next section and the question bank and process it in group. So it takes a minute, but it's going to take more than a minute to heal from the traumas of a dysfunctional family. So there's no reason to rush it, I suppose. Warrior queen, unicorn. I agree. I think that hormone replacement therapy, bioidentical hormone replacement therapy has a lot of positives now. Just like there's negatives to taking it, there's negatives to not taking it. And people have to decide what's most important in their rich and meaningful life and again, work with their doctor. Some people are, are at a higher risk for, for certain types of estrogen related cancer, for example, so it may not be an option for them, but a lot of people aren't at risk for that and it greatly improves their quality of life. Is it. Very often people can be diagnosed with psychiatric diagnoses like schizoid, schizoaffective, and then go into remission and be able to get off their meds and stay in remission. When you're talking about anxiety or depression or even addiction, I can say the answer is yes. It's not uncommon for people to be able to go into remission, wean off their meds and stay in remission. For schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, that is a little bit different. Some people can manage it, but most of the time they need to stay on some level of medication. Now they may be able to develop enough skills and tools that they can reduce their medication. But I can't recall in my 25 years of working with people with mental illness, I can't recall anybody ever getting completely off medication for schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. There's just so much about those two disorders that is biochemical that the brain, just the brain never was able to do what it needed to do. So the medications that the person is taking are helping the brain function closer to what the typical brain might do. Now if you're having significant side effects from your medications, there are a lot of new medications and new treatments out there that don't have those same sedating side effects. I would really encourage you to talk with your psychiatrist or your physician about it. One of the newest interventions that they're looking at right now is oxytocin nasal spray. Now, oxytocin is that bonding hormone, and they've found that in people who have a lot of negative symptoms of schizophrenia, they're flat and have difficulty reacting or interacting sometimes, sometimes catatonia. That oxytocin nasal spray has actually been shown to be somewhat effective. And they've also been using it with other disorders like autism spectrum disorder and attachment disorders. So challenge your doctor. And I, I don't mean aggressively, but I mean, ask them, are there other medications, are there clinical trials out that may be able to help you live closer to what you define as your rich and meaningful life and avoid some of the negative side effects that you're experiencing right now. Daily porn consumption, how does it affect mental health? Depends on the person. Some people and. And I know I'll get hate for this, but it's the research. I'll blame it on the research. Research shows that daily consumption of pornography doesn't necessarily harm a person. It's how much, how often, and whether it starts contributing to problems in the rest of your life. There are couples who will watch porn together in order to or as a part of their intimacy ritual. And okay, if that works for them, that works for them. If you're watching porn by yourself for 15, 30 minutes a day while you're masturbating, for example, if you're just. If it's limited to that and it's not, escalating, may not be a problem. Now, porn has been shown, when watched regularly to change the way you perceive other people. And I'm not saying the opposite sex because it may not be the opposite sex that you're looking at in the porn video, but I'm saying it changes the way you relate to people, and you may start objectifying those who you intend to have sex with as less than human or as it may become more transactional or objectified than intimate. And that's important to keep a. Keep an eye on some people who are watching porn, especially if they watch it for a long period and. Or frequently, they may start feeling bad about themselves, feeling like they can't measure up. Other people watch it to get tips or to explore their own sexuality. And that's a positive aspect of it. So I can't say across the board, watching porn is bad. I can't say watching it every day is bad. What I can say is if you are watching porn and if it starts causing problems in one or more areas of your life. That includes how you feel about yourself. Your emotions, your energy, your sleep, your health, your relationships. Then it's starting to become a problem. It's sort of like drinking alcohol. Is one drink each night a problem for a lot of people? No, it's not. For some people, one drink is too many and 100 is never enough. And not that I'm. It's a saying. I'm not saying go drink a hundred drinks, but what I'm saying is if they get started, they can't stop. They just can't get to the point where they're satisfied. And that can be a problem. And that I think that's where we need to explore. If what you're watching porn and it's causing problems in your self esteem because you feel bad about yourself for watching porn, then again that's causing a problem in your mental health. And, and you need to be able to rectify whether you believe, whether you believe you should feel guilty for it or you shouldn't feel guilty for it. And I'm putting quotes around it because that is a personal judgment. Some people, based on their religious upbringings have very strong beliefs about porn and masturbation. Other people don't have those same beliefs. And so the way they feel about themselves after consuming porn is often very different. Okay, thank you for the prayers for our family warrior queen Unicorn. They are treasured. What does it mean to have a relative who hates me for doing the right thing to them? Without knowing more details, I'm just, I'm guessing tough love is the right thing, for example. And when you have somebody who has an addiction, if you refuse to continue to enable them, which is the right thing to do, in most cases, they are likely going to be very angry with you because you're not letting them do what they want to do. It's a control issue. Anger is a response to a threat. If somebody's angry at you, then they feel like you took their power away or you made them vulnerable or you're a threat to them in some way. So it's important to examine what is it that you did that made this person feel vulnerable or feel threatened or attacked and is there something that needs to be addressed or adjusted? Maybe you did the right thing, but you went about it the wrong way or you said something too harshly and the per made the person feel rejected? I don't know. People's behavior is communication and when they express anger, when they express blame, it lets us know that they are feeling or did feel disempowered. How can I start to feel safe, to shine and be successful? I've realized the cause of my chronic self sabotage. My whole life. If I didn't sabotage myself, someone else would or bad things would happen anyway. Okay, so you've got a lot of insight. In the past, if you didn't sabotage yourself, someone else would. So self sabotage was your way of taking control. I am going to be the dumper, not the dumpy. And that was actually a power move, believe it or not. Sabotaging yourself was going out on your own terms. And that shows me that you've got the courage, that you've got the power, that you've got the strength to do the right thing or see it through, to not sabotage yourself. Examining the reasons for self sabotage is also important. What happens if you try and you fail? What's your relationship with failure? Failure is essential. We're going to fail at things in life. So defining and examining your relationship with failure and separating it from yourself. You fail at a task, you're not a failure as a human being. You failed at getting a job. You failed at your math test, you failed at learning how to roller skate. You're not a failure as a human being. Or a relationship may have failed and that may not have even been your fault. It could have been the other person didn't have the skills, but the relationship failed. You didn't fail. The, that entity, that dyad failed. So that's one thing, being mindful on the daily of how you're feeling about what you're doing and where your anxieties are coming in. Because self sabotage is basically pulling that parachute rope so you can get out, hopefully less scathed than if you would have gone through it. So you're pulling that emergency rope. Keeping keeping your finger on the pulse of your anxiety on the daily can be really helpful examining what you're worried about, what you're concerned about and for that task, as well as what you're concerned about. If you fail, if you fail at that task, what's going to actually happen? Based on the actual facts in context, what's actually going to happen? And that's another thing that's really important. Not what do I think is going to happen or what possibly could maybe happen. Yeah, anything could possibly maybe happen. But what's the prob. Probable outcome if you fail at that, what's the probable outcome? You do it again or you switch to something else. What are you afraid the probable outcome is and how likely is that? For example, are you afraid that everybody will abandon You, Are you. Are you afraid that you will? Well, I'll give you an example of my best friend. When he retired from the military, he was like, I don't know what I'm going to do next. I've got to find a job. If I don't do that, then I'm, you know, when I retire, I am going to end up homeless, living under a bridge. I'm going to become a drug addict. And I'm like, what? How did we get from getting your pension after 20 years in the military to living under a bridge? You know, what's the probability of that? He didn't have any sort of addiction issues at that point and still doesn't. And he knew what he was doing. He's like, yeah, I'm catastrophizing. But really making himself focus on the daily that that catastrophic outcome wasn't going to happen even if he didn't find a job right away. Surrendering to our higher power can be a superpower for some people. And I go. I go through this with a lot of people. We spend a lot of time on step one. Admitting powerlessness for a lot of people triggers prior traumas because they were powerless in those traumas. And admitting powerless makes them feel too vulnerable. So we've got to get through that admitting powerless powerlessness part and recognizing what we do have control over what we can, what we do have the power to change, and then turning things over to a higher power. That's a whole nother re traumatizing issue for a lot of people. And it can be worked through. And I've seen people make amazing, have amazing epiphanies going through step one as they start realizing how many things, not just the drugs or the alcohol or the pornography, how many things are making their lives unmanageable based on past traumas, how many things that they were powerless over that they blame themselves for. Generally, I spend anywhere from a month to two months with people just working on step one for that very reason. Once we re can recognize the things that we have the power to change and we have the cur take the courage to change the things we can, it makes so much difference. We're not throwing good energy after bad trying to change something that we don't have any power over. Is blaming ourselves a good way of improvement in life since the other way around doesn't change anything. Now, this is purely opinion, like a lot of psychology, but this is definitely purely opinion. I would say no, I would say when you make a mistake, when you do something that Is contrary to the person you want to be and the life you want to live. Learning from that, you can feel guilty that you made a mistake. Learn from it, make amends, learn how to prevent it in the future, and then move on. But we can also move forward, even if we're not moving away from something painful. I can move forward toward a chocolate bar even if I'm not moving away from something else, because it is motivating me. It's something that I want. And it's important to recognize that we can. We don't have to move away from things. In depression recovery, for example, or addiction recovery, for example, we are moving toward being healthier, happier, more mindful individuals as opposed to getting rid of the depression. I used to do an exercise with people in group. We had a big old box, and in that box we had. I had people put representations of all the things that they were angry about. Most of the time it was just crumpled up paper. And. And then I would say, okay, now let's get rid of this anger. Let's get rid of this anxiety. Let's get rid of this, let's get rid of that. And lo and behold, when we got rid of the anger, the depression, the anxiety, the resentment, the blame, the trauma, the whatever was in there, what was left in the box? Nothing. That's not where we want to be. We need to be working towards something. We want to be adding stuff to our box, not just taking it away. Yeah, it's. It's good to take away some things, but we need to replace it with something else. It's good to move toward some things. If I'm doing things that are healthy, instead of saying, I need to get in, I'm in bad shape and I need to get rid of my unhealthy behaviors, I can say I need to develop healthy behaviors because that'll enable me to move toward my rich and meaningful life. It's all about where you put your motivation. Are you avoiding pain or are you go moving toward pleasure? I'll take this one more question, and then I'm gonna have to call it for today. How to deal with wanting extreme external validation and approval. When you grew up being the neglected middle child, your inner child is struggling. Your inner child, that person you were at 4, 6, 8, who felt neglected, who felt abandoned, who felt rejected, who felt unseen. There's a part of you that still feels that way all the time. And I've got videos on the inner child. I think it's really important to connect with young Laura and help her recognize that what happened was not because she was unlovable, not because of her at all, but because the other people that were responsible for her weren't doing their jobs well and they could have had mental health issues or something else. I'm not saying it was intentional, but helping. There's a grieving process to go through there's a grieving process to go through that you didn't have the childhood that you should have. You didn't receive the love and the consistency and the security that you should have as a child. And now every time, wherever you go, that inner child in you that never felt secure, never felt safe, is still trying to find that sense of safety. And as an adult, you are able to provide that inner child some sense of safety. You're able to take time to recognize your strengths and your successes. And you're able to eventually, in relationships with others, start recognizing that you don't need their approval about everything all the time. They can disagree with you, that's okay that you share different opinions, that's fine. It doesn't mean they're rejecting you. It means they're rejecting your opinion, which you still may not like. But it's not a rejection of you working hard each day to recognize your worth as a human being, to recognize your younger self, little Laura's worth as a human being, and to try to integrate that young person into the now so you feel like you're a whole person. You're not trying to escape from the past. You're not trying to escape from the memories and the experiences and everything you had as a child. You are integrating them and you're saying, okay, now I'm not going to let you feel rejected. I'm not going to let you feel ignored. I'm not going to let you feel unsafe because I'm here and I, I'm big now so I can take care of us. Another video, I have the. I have three on the inner child, but then I have another one that's on internal family systems theory. And that can be really helpful to understanding the dynamics that go on in our head based on who we are now, who we want to be, versus our prior experiences. And so I would encourage you to look at that video as well. Alrighty, everybody. Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for having so many awesome questions and we will do this again next Monday.