Assertiveness Skills and Techniques: Setting Boundaries and Living Authentically

This episode was pre recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar on demand. CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register@Allce.com Counselortoolbox you I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on assertiveness skills. Now this is one of those things that I've always struggled with trying to figure out how exactly do I teach assertiveness skills? I know that a lot of my clients need them, but how do I go about teaching it? How do I go about making it relevant to them? So we're going to talk a lot about that today and really look at some things that you can do in order to facilitate your clients learning assertiveness skills. A lot of what we're going to talk about are the activities and stuff are designed so they can be used in group, but most of them can be used just in individual if you know with the therapist, if that's the situation that you're in. So we'll define assertiveness. We'll talk about the different barriers to becoming assertive, including the stress, social and belief barriers. We're going to look at reality check or how to help people kind of keep their calm. Because one thing that keeps people from being assertive is either fight or flee. If they get scared, they may become passive or they may become aggressive, or if they become angry, they're more likely to become aggressive in their communication style. We'll talk briefly about nonverbal behavior and what that communicates, because a lot of times clients I've worked with have been better about using assertive verbal communication, but their nonverbals were still really closed off and angry. So we'll talk about those. We'll explore how to help clients learn how to give their opinion, give constructive, not critical, feedback, and make requests of others without trying to control them. So making assertive requests. So when I start these groups with people, we talk about what is assertiveness. And a lot of people know the term passive aggressive, but other than that, it's just kind of a term. And they know it when they see it, but they have a hard time defining it. So we start defining these terms so people can start categorizing and saying, that's assertive, that's aggressive, that's passive aggressive. A great way to start teaching about the different communication styles is to take little snippets from TV, from sitcoms, from soap operas, Dr. Phil, anything that you can find in order and play it and have clients identify whether it's passive. Passive Aggressive, assertive or aggressive. So assertiveness. Hopefully we come to the agreement that the definition means stating your feelings, wants, and needs clearly, with ownership, saying, it's my stuff, I need this, or I would like this. And with conviction, you want to not tag on the but I don't know. So if you believe something, I believe this to be true. You don't want to tack on that disclaimer at the end, but I could be wrong or but I don't know. And then there are times, obviously we all have worked where we've tried to hedge things for one reason or another, especially when talking with a client. You know, I'm wondering if this might be going on, but you're the expert on you, so that would kind of be one of those things that you want to steer away from in assertive communication. But encouraging clients to just start paying attention to their words when they disqualify themselves, when they minimize their own feelings. Assertive behavior, and this is kind of a warning or whatever you want to say may not be appropriate in all workplaces. Some organizational and national cultures may view assertive behavior as rude or even offensive. Research has also suggested that gender can have a bearing on how assertive behavior is perceived, with men more likely to be rewarded for being assertive than women. So does that mean women shouldn't be assertive or you shouldn't be assertive in your workplace? Not necessarily. But we want to make sure that people know that assertiveness isn't necessarily just readily embraced by everybody out there. So there are some caveats that they need to pay attention to, especially cultural caveats. Most organizations, assertiveness is accepted. You know, sometimes they want to keep a paramilitary structure, but even in that paramilitary structure, you can assertively communicate with your direct supervisor. So advantages of assertiveness. And, you know, once we've defined it and defined, you know, why we want to be assertive, I have them make a list of things or reasons why they might want to start being assertive. How can this help them feel better, feel less depressed, feel less anxious, feel less overwhelmed? So assertiveness helps us feel good about ourselves and others because. And, you know, if they don't come to this, you know, I'll try to elicit it. And we talk about the fact that when we're assertive, we're saying, my feelings and needs matter, and your feelings and needs matter. Passive means your feelings and needs matter, not mine. And aggressive means my feelings and needs matter, but not yours. So assertiveness is the. The one that's Right in the middle and says both of our feelings and needs matter. So that helps us feel good. It helps us feel empowered and not, you know, walked on or forgotten or. Assertiveness leads to the development of mutual respect with others. If we're being assertive, we are not invalidating somebody else's opinion. Even if we don't agree, we can accept their opinion as their opinion and potentially valid in their eyes. Assertiveness increases our self esteem, helps us achieve our goals, minimizes hurting and alienating other people, can often reduce anxiety. If we're talking about what our needs are, then we're more likely to get them met, which means we're less likely to feel anxious that we're going to be rejected or have some need go unmet. Assertiveness protects us from being taken advantage of by others. When you can put your foot down, so to speak, your proverbial foot, and say, this is what I need right now and be okay saying no. And we'll talk about that at the end of the presentation. Encouraging clients to learn how to say no and be okay with it. Not have to make excuses, not have to feel guilty about it, but be willing to say, you know what, that's just not something I can do right now. Assertiveness enables us to make decisions and free choices in life. If we're being passive, then we're expecting other people to make decisions for us. If we're being aggressive, then we're keeping other people from potentially making decisions and free choices. So assertiveness allows us to control our lives so we can live authentically. And it enables us to express, both verbally and non verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative. When people learn assertiveness skills, it's easier to communicate even about the stuff that's unpleasant, the stuff that makes them angry or just makes them feel disappointed because they are able to control their emotional reaction and present it in a way that owns their stuff and that is not overpowering to other people. When people are passive or aggressive, their feelings and wants and needs are not heard. So we talk about different in group, we talk about different examples of what direct aggression looks like and you know, if I'm being aggressive, and that's what we generally think of as direct aggression, what does it look like and what kind of behaviors might you see? And some of the suggestions that I've gotten have been bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated and overbearing. And some people are extremely opinionated. However, they can all you can be Opinionated and also accept other people's opinions. So it's finding that line where you're validating the other person as having, you know, their valid opinions. Indirect aggression or passive aggression, if you want to call it that, sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt inducing. So indirect aggression can be kind of the martyr play. There are a lot of different ways that people can express their displeasure and try to control another person without being overtly aggressive. Submissiveness can look like wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, apologetic, or just not. Well, I guess it kind of goes along with passive. Not even having an opinion about things, you know, whatever. I don't care. Whatever you want. People have opinions. You may not have opinions about everything. I mean, sometimes we'll be trying to figure out what we want for dinner, and I'm like, I don't care. I just want food. At that point, I really, truly don't care. I'm hungry enough to do everything short of eat paint off the wall. So, you know, we're just, we're good. But other times I do have a clear opinion about where I want to go. So encouraging people to be able to feel comfortable stating their opinions, and we're going to talk about what holds people back in a minute. Assertiveness is direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and can be spontaneous. A slogan that Carl offers to clients that many appreciate is, say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I love that I've heard the first part, but not the last part. That's awesome. Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean. So that's something you guys can take out of this right away. When people are aggressive or passive, it leads to feelings of isolation. Because they don't feel like anybody understands them. Well, no, because they can't read your mind. So, yeah, you may feel isolated because nobody can get past that wall. Resentment and anger. If you're not feeling like you're getting your needs met for one reason or another, either because you're being passive or because you're so aggressive that you kind of push people to the outskirts, you can start feeling angry. And depression and helplessness can also come out of ineffective communication styles. So becoming assertive is stressful. You're having to change the way you interact with others, and others have to change the way they interact with you. Most of your friends and, you know, I just kind of look at the group and I'm like, most of your friends are used to you behaving in a certain way. So if you've always been passive and you suddenly start having opinions, they may be like, trying to figure out what's going on, and they may take a minute to adjust to it. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes. People who are really passive tend to be in relationships, friendships with people who tend to be more on the aggressive side because, you know, it's kind of yin and yang. And then when the passive person starts becoming assertive, the aggressive person may not know how to deal with it. So. So it's a matter of negotiating and working into a new method of communicating. I encourage people to think about in the past when they're in stressful situations, what do they typically do? Do they become aggressive or do they shut down or do they handle business? But generally, if they're in a group on assertiveness, it's kind of one or the other. So this helps us see, you know, when you feel threatened, what is your go to method of solving the problem? Because your. The behaviors generally mimic or parallel the communication styles. The stress response is designed to protect people. So we talk about, you know, why, how anger is protective, and we talk about how anxiety is actually protective. You know, fight or flee. Your body's going, there's a problem, and I want to survive. So we need to handle it so they can start understanding why their heart races, why they get flushed, why they have, you know, sweaty palms, and understand the physiological reaction. And that's just a physiological reaction. It doesn't mean there's necessarily threat. Ignoring the urge to fight or flee is extremely difficult until assertiveness has proven itself. So until people can say, all right, I'm feeling stressed, but let me take a breath, and I know how to handle this situation. You know, that's when we're starting to move into assertiveness. But up until then, they're going to go to their de facto method of handling things, which is either getting aggressive or. Or getting passive or running away or withdrawing. So it's going to take time for the person to. And maybe I shouldn't have said ignoring, but to recognize that urge to fight or flee and go, okay, my brain's telling me that there's something I need to check out here. There may not be a threat, but there's something to check out here. So barriers to becoming assertive. As I said earlier, people in your social circle expect you to act and react in a certain way. They're used to you behaving in a certain way. So all of a sudden if you change, that might, you know, upset them because they're used to you being passive. If you tend to be more aggressive and then all of a sudden you become more assertive, there tends to be less uproar. But people do tend to notice it. But changing your behavior often can confuse other people. If you tend to be aggressive or very opinionated and all of a sudden you're not so much, people may be like, hey, hey, you feeling okay? Is everything going alright? And it just takes a while for everybody to adjust to this new normal. Our egocentric society leads people to expect that if you change your behavior, it has to do with them. So other people may think that, you know, whatever reason you've become more assertive or less aggressive might have to do with them, or for whatever reason that you've gone from being passive to being assertive, you're being offensive to them intentionally. So we want to make sure that it's communicated effectively that people don't take offense to you stating your opinions. A lot of times people, and I've seen this in irl, in real life as well as in social media where people don't know how to communicate assertively. And if somebody states a differing opinion, the sky is falling and it's taken as a personal affront that, oh my gosh, you have an opinion that's different than mine. So helping clients recognize that other people will have opinions and that's okay, it doesn't mean that yours is any less valid is important. People strive for consistency. If you used to be aggressive, they may interpret the change as depression, disengagement or an exploitable weakness. If the person used to be passive, then their friends may interpret the change as rejection and a push away. You know, all of a sudden you don't want to hang out with us anymore. Well, didn't ever want to hang out with you before, but now I'm just telling you, no, not to that extent. But as you start stating opinions, people may start shirking away a little bit until they get used to it. And it's important. I agree with Carl. It's important to be assertive and to educate people around you about what you're trying to do and why it's helpful and, you know, maybe even engage them in practicing with you. So if you're getting ready to, maybe you want to ask your boss for a raise or something, practice with one of your friends so they get used to it. And guess what? They're probably going to become more assertive by practicing with the person. So it's a double bonus. The belief barrier can also keep people from getting from being assertive. Reality, 90% perception, 10% fact. So if you take five people who witness a crime and you take their statements, all of their statements are going to be different. And they vehemently believe in the statement that they gave. So they're going to hold on to that opinion because that's their perception of what happened and their interpretation of what happened. And if you come up and go, well, no, you know, Jim over there gave a very different account of what happened, then John, who gave the first statement, may go, so you're saying I'm lying and become very aggressive and offended. It's important to negotiate or navigate differences in opinion and help people realize that everybody has different perceptions based on their life experiences, their vulnerabilities. At a certain point, if they're in pain or they're exhausted, they may be more sensitive. I know I am. I tend to be more irritable and grumpy when I'm not feeling well. So I may interpret something as being snitty or disrespectful or whatever when I'm in that state, when I'm already in a negative state. Whereas if I'm in my normal, you know, gregarious state, if you will, I just kind of let it roll off. I'm like, oh, somebody's having a bad day today. Prior learning experiences influence influence perceptions. So again, what I believe the situation to be may be very different. If you had a boss, for example, or let's take it, you know, to the home front. If you grew up in a home where there was an active, angry alcoholic and they came home, and if they were angry, it was not safe to be happy or to make noise, then in the future, when that happens, you know, your spouse comes home and you're just conditioned. So when that person comes in that now's not the time to have an opinion. Now you need to blend into the wall. So the belief that it's not safe to state my opinions or have an opinion different than yours can be partly learned. Overgeneralization can keep us from being assertive. We may have transference reactions with other people. So if somebody reminds me of my mother or an authority figure and, you know, I. And I'm not okay standing up to those people, if somebody reminds me of them, then I might kind of back away a little bit and not be assertive with that person. So assertive is not across the board. You know, people are generally assertive in certain areas of their Life and not so much in others. So it's important for us to encourage people to look at what areas do you tend to not be assertive in and what areas are you assertive in and how can you transfer those skills over to the other areas and other people's non verbals can influence assertiveness. If you're talking to somebody and you're expressing your opinion and even doing it assertively and they start closing off and giving you a weird look, you might feel criticized or you know, not feel so good about the situation, which can lead to an escalation from assertiveness to aggression or passiveness. If you see somebody's nonverbals closing off, you may go well, but you know, that's just my opinion, I don't know and back off. So moving more towards that passive thing. If the other person's non verbals are not accepting, then you may, in an effort to keep things calm or for whatever reason you may back off. So yeah, nonverbals are going to play a huge part in assertiveness. Failure to be assertive stems from prior efforts to be assertive, being punished. And maybe it was in a classroom, you know, you raised your hand and you had this great idea and you shared it and the teacher was like, no, that's a dumb idea or at home or from prior, prior relationships, whatever. And you tried to be assertive and it caused fights, you know, the person, maybe the other person was aggressive or couldn't, wasn't willing to take, listen to your opinion or validate it. So that could cause people to fail to be assertive. Fear of rejection can be another reason. And that's, I mean everything from where to eat dinner to what your opinions are on political topics and you know, whatever. There are opinions involved in all of those things. And if you people who fear rejection, if they're needing external validation, they may be more chameleon like in order to get that validation. So they may just be like, well, whatever you want or you know, what are you thinking? Always asking the other person's opinion and then suddenly echoing it. Assertiveness requires confidence. You know, people have to have a certain amount of self confidence to say, you know what, I, I have very valid opinions and my thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. They have to have emotional control. If they get into a situation where they're needing to be assertive and they're feeling scared or angry, they're probably not going to as easily be able to be assertive. They need to be able to get back into their wise Mind, so to speak, and not be being pushed and communicating through their emotions. And they need effective verbal and nonverbal communication skills. And this is one of the reasons that group can be really fun to do it, because you can do skits and you can freeze in the middle of a conversation and you can just say freeze. And then have people identify what's going on with the non verbals and what their body might be saying, even if they're not hearing the lips. And that can give you an idea. And that can also help people become more cognizant of their own non verbals when they're talking so they realize what they're doing. You know, I never really paid much attention to it before I got into counseling. But now, you know, after going through counseling classes and stuff, when I cross my arms, you know, and I get cold, really easy. But if I'm talking to somebody and I cross my arms, I know that's a closed off stance and can be considered hostile. So I try not to do that. Or if I have to because I'm just freezing, you know, I'll rub my arm, I'll go, I'm sorry, I'm really, really cold. So they don't interpret what I'm doing as being rejecting or aggressive. Encouraging clients to stay calm. So when they get that fight or flight feeling, have them go through in their mind a couple of questions. What's my perception of what's going on? And the example that I usually use is going to return something at the customer service desk. I don't know anybody who really loves doing that. And you know, sometimes you have to be assertive to get it returned. Sometimes you can get away with not being, but generally you don't need to be aggressive. But a lot of times I see people being aggressive with customer service. So what's my perception of what's going on? If I'm up there and the customer service person says, you know, I can't take this back without a receipt, what does that trigger in me? Does that Was I already anxious? And then that triggers anger because I'm not getting my way going on. What's my perception of the situation? Am I perceiving that that person doesn't want to help me or what? And that's just identifying the perception. It's not saying it's true or false or anything. Then we go to what evidence do I have for and against this perception? What were the person's words and what were the person's nonverbals? And the way somebody says something you know, if they say, you know, I'm sorry, I really need a receipt to take that back, that comes off very different than, you know, you need to have a receipt to return this. Even my verbals are very different there. But, you know, if I were standing up, I could do more non verbals. And this is something else we can model in group. You know, show me an aggressive customer service manager response. So looking at the evidence for and against this perception that the person is just trying to be as unhelpful as possible, how valid is the evidence? Am I reacting to feelings or facts? We try to return something and if they don't want to take it back right away, we may have that real quick feeling that, oh, this is not going my way. Okay, you know, but that's a feeling. You're assuming that you're not going to be able to return it. You're assuming that the person doesn't want to help you or whatever. Am I magnifying or catastrophizing? Am I making this a bigger deal than it really has to be? And a lot of times with customer service, you just ask to speak to the manager or, you know, you come back later with a receipt or whatever. There are ways to get around it that, you know, you just have to follow the rules. Have I stated my feelings and needs objectively and clearly? So if you come up and you just kind of put it on the desk, I need to return this, they may be like, well, what's wrong with it? And. Or, you know, do you have a receipt? Well, those are the first two questions they're supposed to ask. It's not that they're questioning you or, you know, trying to be unhelpful. They have to ask those questions. So helping people understand the communication as it goes through so they can stay calm and not take it personally, be able to state their needs and figure out, okay, if I state my needs and I don't get my needs met, what's the next step? How do I resolve the situation? Six characteristics of assertiveness. Eye contact demonstrates interest and shows sincerity. So you don't want to look down and be looking at the ground and failing to make eye contact. You also don't want to like, stare and bore your eyes into the soul of the next person. You know, that can be considered aggressive. But having good eye contact, smiling when at all possible, body posture, congruent body language will improve the significance of the message. So if you're open, you know, you have that solar position, what is it? Sitting open, leaning Forward, attentive, and I don't remember the acronym from counseling, but when you're talking to people, you know, be squared off with them. Don't be turned this way. You know, pay attention. Even some cultures will pay attention to which direction your feet are turning. And if your feet are pointing towards them, it's considered insulting. But that's a whole different class. Gestures, appropriate gestures can add emphasis to things. So if you say, you know, I really need this, that's a gesture that, you know, you're grabbing your heart. You really need that. So when you're being assertive, you know, it made me so happy that this happened. It can communicate more of a message and it kind of underscores it. It's like verbal, bold, italicized and all caps. Voice a level that's well modulated in its tone, is more convincing and acceptable and is not intimidating. So if somebody's too loud or too soft or kind of wavering up and down, people get messages from that like the person's not being sincere or they're trying to bully or people interpret a lot of different things just from non verbals based on their prior learning experiences. Timing. It's important to encourage people to use their judgment to maximize receptivity and impact. So going to that customer service manager, again, you know, you don't walk in and from the very get go, go, I need to see the manager. You walk in, you try to resolve it with that person. If that person can't help, then you talk to the manager. Same thing. If you're going to talk to your boss or your significant other, your roommate, about something, you don't want to do it right after they've had a really bad day, you know, assertiveness also takes into account the other person's mental state, so to speak, and doesn't kind of kick them when they're down. We want to make sure that that person is good for the conversation here at the office, you know, I'll walk into somebody else's office and if they're in the middle of something and I need to have a conversation, I might say, when you get a second, if you could come over, then we'll talk. So I'm not pulling them away from something which may irritate them on top of whatever I've got to say. And content, how, where and when you choose to comment is often more important than what is said, encouraging. And this is true for parents, for friends, for anybody. It's important not to call people out or be aggressive in public. If you've got some sort of constructive feedback to provide. Pulling the person aside somewhere quiet or somewhere more private is definitely better than hollering across the room or not saying anything at all. Assertive behaviors mean being open in expressing wishes, thoughts, and feelings and encouraging others to do likewise. You don't encourage others to do likewise. That's kind of aggressive. And you may not think of it that way, but if it's like, you need to hear my stuff, but I'm not really interested in yours, that's sort of an indirect aggression. Listening to the views of others and responding appropriately regardless of whether you agree. My mother and I, for example, are our polar opposites when it comes to some of the big issues. Politics, religion, that kind of thing. So, you know, we have to be assertive or just not talk about the subjects. But when the subjects do come up, it's important that we are assertive and sort of agree to disagree. Accepting responsibilities and delegating to others. People who are too passive often take on too much, and they feel overwhelmed and burdened. People who are aggressive may put too much stuff off, or they may not accept responsibilities. They're like, no, that's your problem. I'm not helping. So assertiveness is really kind of being in there and being the glue that keeps teams and families and relationships together. Assertive people are willing to delegate to others, though, but they own it. You know, at the farm, we have a ton of stuff to do, and so I communicate with the children, and I'm like, you know, it's really important that we get these, you know, eight things done this weekend, so I can handle these. However, I really need you to do these other things because I'm just not gonna have the time to do it. So I own it. I say, you know, I need it to happen, and if need be, I express to them why. But, you know, they've gotten to the point where they're pretty good about understanding that, but we need to be able to communicate to others and ask, and that's asking and saying no. They're two interpersonal effectiveness skills that we talk a lot about in dialectical behavior therapy. We're going to talk about them in a couple slides, regularly expressing appreciation of others for what they have done or are doing. You don't really often think of this as assertive, but it's true, because we're kind of making ourselves vulnerable, and we're saying, you know what? I really appreciate you helping me with this, or you're doing a really good job with whatever. So it's important when being assertive, not just to only say things when there's something negative to say. Again, that's aggressive. And passive is not saying anything at all, good or bad. So assertive says, you're doing a great job. I appreciate your help. Being able to admit mistakes and apologize, that's a hard thing and it makes people feel vulnerable. People who are aggressive tend to have difficulty doing this because they, it makes them feel vulnerable and weak. People who are passive a lot of times, not always, but a lot of times apologize too much. You know, I'm sorry, I'll take care of that just to keep the peace and make everybody calm. Maintaining self control is another assertive behavior. Not operating from that revved up emotional mind, but being able to de escalate a little bit and get into a wise mind sort of state where they can think about, okay, what is the best option for improving the moment and behaving as an equal to others. Not being better than not having smarter opinions or whatever. Acknowledging that you cannot control other people's behaviors, but you can control how you react to them. And we'll talk about this one in group for a while and I have people give examples of times when somebody said something that has triggered either a passive or aggressive response and we'll talk about why it triggered that response and how else they might have chosen to react to that situation in the future. Being open to criticism and compliments Most of us are open to compliments. You know, we're like, okay, we can take that. Some people have difficulty handling compliments because their self esteem is kind of low or they don't know what to do with them. So we'll talk about how to handle that. But also being open to criticism. Not everybody is going to like what you do all the time. Nobody is going to like what you do all the time. Pretty much. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that periodically. Even your greatest fan is going to say, you know what? No, that's okay. You know, criticism, if it's constructive, can help you learn and grow from something. It's not necessarily designed to make you feel less than or to be rejecting. It may be designed to help you improve. And assertive people express themselves in positive ways. Instead of saying this is assertive, stupid idea, you might say, well that's one way of doing it. Let's look at the benefits and drawbacks. And that's one I use with my kids a lot when they want to do something. And I don't think it's probably going to actually work. But I'm like, okay, you know, let me hear you out. Let me. Let's talk about the benefits and drawbacks, how this might work. Sometimes they convince me. Sometimes I hold true to my own opinion, but it's an idea, and I want them to continue to want to be creative. Another example would be saying, you're the laziest employee I have. It's probably not going to get you anywhere. And that's pretty darn aggressive and ugly. Instead saying something like, I know the work can seem overwhelming, but in order for the department to bill, so stating why it's important, I have to have your reports within 72 hours of service. So it helps people understand why you're asking this of them, why it's important. And you're not calling names. You're just saying, here's a behavior. Here's what I need. Here's the end part that I need. The third one is somebody saying, you know, where do you want to go to dinner? And somebody else saying, I want to go to XYZ barbecue. And the first person saying, I hate that restaurant. Well, that's kind of negative. And that also doesn't propose any solutions. So instead of saying, I hate that restaurant, saying, hmm, that's one choice, but you know what I'd really prefer to go to, or I've had a hankering for whatever. Assert your opinion and it states it in a positive way without having to be negative. If you really have a reason for not liking that restaurant, you can state that too. So, for example, I can't have caffeine anymore, which such a downer. But when we go to restaurants and we go to places for lunch or whatever, for fast food, there aren't a lot of places that have drink options besides water. And I know I should drink more water, but I digress. So I will state my opinion. I'm happy going to these three places because they've got something I can drink there. Do I always get my way? No, but it's definitely, I'm stating my opinions and why I want to go there. Giving your opinions. We all have them. And, well, there are sayings about opinions, but your opinions are important. Opinions are qualitative. They can be good, bad, fair, helpful, you know, and generally we think our own opinions are good and fair and helpful. But, you know, some people may look at our opinion to go, no, you know that that's a bad opinion and they don't agree with it. They have a different opinion. But that's okay. You know, they have A right to it. So if we're talking about restaurants, for example, you know, you may think a restaurant is good, somebody may think a restaurant is bad. You both may be right. You know, opinions are a combination of the current situation plus prior learning. So we'll. We'll stay with the restaurant example. Right now, if I've been to this restaurant before and I've had a really bad service experience or really bad food, then I might think that, you know what? That's a bad restaurant. I don't want to go there. My opinion is that that's a bad restaurant. But on the other hand, if I've been there 20 times and it's been great, I might have a very different opinion. And we both could be going to the same restaurant. We just had different order different meals or have different taste preferences. It's important that we own our own opinions when we give one. You know, I like this restaurant. Good opinions are often based in fact. So you say, I like this restaurant because they have the best manicotti that I've had in years. Or give a reason. Support your opinion with evidence. If somebody asks you like, did you like that movie? If you say yes or no, then put a because after it. You know, I liked it because. Or, you know, my common response is, yeah, the first three quarters of it were really good, but I thought they could have cut off the last 30 minutes of it because it was redundant. I get bored easy. So my family's kind of learned to expect that from me. But it's fine. I mean, we go to the movies and everybody enjoys it. I'm not unhappy. It's just they asked my opinion, I offered it. If the opinion is negative, try to identify what you would change. So if you have, you know, that restaurant, every time I go there, my food is cold. You know, if they had, you know, better service, so it got out before the food was. Before the food was cold. You know, I love going there. Or, you know, if somebody asks your opinion on their clothing, try to identify instead of going, oh, that looks awful, go, you know what, I'm wondering if maybe you want to put a blazer on with that so it's more constructive and respect others opinions. I statements have three specific elements, and I think we've all taught these to our clients. A behavior, a feeling, and a tangible effect. I would like you to do this. It would make me happy if you would do this, because then I wouldn't have to. Yada, yada. So with my son, for example, it would make me happy or I would appreciate it if you would bring down your laundry every Friday, because it'll make it easier for me to do laundry on Saturday morning when I get up, you know, gives them what it is, how it's going to benefit them, and how it's going to benefit me. Techniques for becoming assertive. This is what you all been waiting for. Behavioral rehearsal. Can't say it enough. Encouraging clients to be assertive when they make appointments at your office, if they've got an issue with, you know, something that we're doing, if they like it or they don't like it, and anything else. And I encourage clients to pay attention during the week to times when they could have been more assertive. And then we will rehearse that either in individual, if it's an individual client, or in group repeated assertion. And I encourage people to think about this because sometimes they'll get into a discussion, we'll call it, with someone else, and the other person tries to switch topics on them. And one of my rules for fair fighting is to pick one topic at a time and resolve it. You know, I don't want a litany of dummy wrongs. We're going to start with one thing, and we're going to get all the way through. So if you're talking about somebody leaving the toothpaste cap off the toothpaste, we're going to stay with that until we've resolved that issue. We're not going to go to leaving clothes on the floor and the toilet seat up. And you know, my daughter's favorite, when her brother leaves whiskers on the counter, she's like, oh, but we're going to talk about one thing at a time. We're not going to sidetrack if we, you know, until we finish that. So staying focused. Fogging is another technique that we can help clients learn to use that allows them to receive criticism comfortably by acknowledging the criticism, agreeing there may be some truth to what they say, but remaining the judge of your own actions. So, you know, maybe they have roommates that don't clean up after themselves very much, or maybe their roommates are upset that they don't clean up after themselves. And the roommate says, you know, you don't ever clean up after yourself. And the person assertively responds, you know, you're right. I have a bad habit of getting a collection of dishes in my room. Try to bring them down once a day now, something like that. So acknowledging that there may be some fact there, you know, we all could use it. We can all grow from constructive feedback. And even if it's not presented constructively, just taking that breath and acknowledging the parts that are right and then letting the rest go. Finding a workable compromise is another assertiveness technique. You want to go to this restaurant, I want to go to this restaurant. How can we make that work? Can we get takeout from both and go have a picnic or what's going to work here? Nonverbals thebodylanguageproject.com Great site. They have a downloadable PDF that goes through a ton of different non verbals and it's a great reference point for a lot of people especially I feel so old. The younger generation who has spent a lot of time texting and not as much time face to face, it can help them become more aware of their nonverbals and read people a little bit easier. So key points in helping clients learn about nonverbals is baselining. When my husband was in law enforcement, he took interview and interrogation and he's like, yeah, if you, if you look up and right it means something. If you look down and left it means something else. I don't remember what it was and I started thinking about it and paying attention to it. The thing with baselining is you've got to figure out how often somebody normally does that because I will avert my gaze down and left when I finish talking to somebody and that's just kind of my cue of okay, your turn to talk. But it's not necessarily that I'm being deceptive or accessing memories or whatever it is. So you need to know what a person normally does, how fast their eyelids blink. You know, some people when they're talking to someone of the opposite sex, for example, their eyelids blink more frequently because they're excited. So that doesn't necessarily meaning that mean that they're being disingenuous or manipulative. So get a baseline on what that person's normal body posture is. Another one that my daughter comment comments on periodically. And I had a client say the same phrase the other day and kind of struck me interesting. But resting bitch face when I'm working on my tablet, when I'm playing Scrabble, when I'm not engaged with somebody, I guess I have this resting look on my face and it's not that I'm trying to be grouchy or anything, that's just the way the corners of my mouth go. And so I try to pay attention when I'm around other people to make sure that I'm making good eye contact and keeping More of a smile on my face, but baselining for people. So because when I do that, 99% of the time, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just deep in thought. Congruence with nonverbals, making sure that their words and their actions kind of mimic. If they're going, sure, no problem. I'll take care of that. Obviously incongruent. So we'll role play different examples of incongruence and then move on from there. Cue clusters and the rule of four. You know, you want to look for four different cues that something's going on. If somebody is unhappy about something, if they just look kind of down, they could be tired, maybe they don't feel well. So you don't want to go just by necessarily their facial expression. You want to look at the rest of their body language. Have at least four cues before you start drawing a conclusion that they're angry or they're anxious or whatever. Mirroring is another thing for nonverbals. Encouraging people to mirror each other's behavior. So if I close my arms, it's more likely the person I'm talking to is going to close off, too. If we're in a discussion and it starts to get heated and I stand up, then the other person is probably going to stand up. Likewise, if I sit down, the person's probably going to sit down. So you can control some of the momentum of the conversation through your nonverbals. A fun activity is having people display a closed posture and like mannequins around the room, and then identifying, going around and trying to identify what they're thinking. What does this closed posture mean? And a lot of times we'll do the closed arms to start out with, because that's the easiest. Because closed arms can mean I'm angry, It could mean I'm scared. It could mean I'm really cold, or go ahead, I'm in pain. I'm really trying to hold it together so I can listen to you. So, you know, I have them try to figure out, you know, what the nuances are between those four postures. Constructive feedback is objective and measurable. And I encourage people, and my staff included, instead of saying, you know, he's not progressing in treatment, that doesn't tell me anything. He doesn't know how to progress in treatment if you don't tell him what he needs to do. So, you know, if you say somebody's lazy, well, sorry, I don't know how to fix that. But if you say they failed to complete their assignments for the past three weeks. That gives them something to look at and say, okay, how can I start getting my assignments completed? Stupid, horrible word. But I hear it sometimes versus, you know, what is it that's making you say this? If the person has difficulty following basic instructions for opening his register, then, okay, so that's what we need to focus on teaching this person. Or maybe it's just not something that they're going to grasp because there's too many steps. Provide information that the person can choose to address and that presents an actionable problem. Instead of telling your roommate, you are such a slob, tell your roommate, what is it that you don't like. It bothers me when you don't clean your whiskers off the counter or pick your clothes up off the floor. That is something that they owning it. It bothers me when this happens, or I would appreciate it if you would pick your clothes up or whatever. It would make me happy and provide possible solutions and develop an action plan. So instead of just saying, you know, it drives me crazy when I walk into your room and there are glasses everywhere and dishes and, you know, this and that, picking apart things and going, fix it, Continuing with the feedback and going, what's a strategy we can use? Or to fix this. With roommates, it's a little harder. Obviously with kids and with employees, you can do little bit of the same thing. If you walk in and you say, you know what, I'm noticing that your paperwork has started to get really behind. So let's talk about what we can do to help you get caught up. And definitely constructive feedback. Carl points out labels the behaviors, not the person. Because the person, you know, it's like saying, johnny's a good boy or Johnny's a bad boy. Johnny is a boy. Johnny does good and bad behaviors or behaviors that we don't like. So we want to focus on the behavior. Unconditional positive regard for the person. Constructive feedback on the behavior. Making requests. State the reason for your request. Such as, I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by trying to manage all of these tasks. Or I recognize that as a result my work product has gone down. I'm just, I'm having difficulty prioritizing right now. So that owns it. It says, I recognize there's a problem and this is what I'm seeing as the problem. Then state what you need in this situation. I need help prioritizing which of these tasks is most important to you. That's one solution. Or I need some assistance so I can produce a quality product in a Timely manner. During grant season, my boss and I would have this conversation quite a lot because on top of managing the programs, we also had grants to write. And usually two or three would come in at the same time. And I'd be like, okay, I can only do so much and I need help. At least when I first started working with them, I needed help understanding what his priorities were, what I needed to put at the top of the list. Saying no is important and part of assertiveness, because poor time management leads to stress and irritability and the downfall of assertiveness. Encourage people to get in touch with what's important to them, to have a rich and meaningful life. I know you guys get tired of hearing me say that. And at work. So in general. And then at work. So then if somebody. They're at work and they're doing their tasks and somebody comes and says, you know what, I have this extra project over here. You know, you want to do it? Or I have some overtime work you can get. Do you want to take it? The person can check in with themselves and go, is this going to distract me from what's important in my life? If so, then I need to say no. And if it isn't, then I can consider saying yes. So first you have to know what's important so you know where to say no and where to say yes. And then encourage people to say no assertively. And I always use the example of somebody asking you to move. This is what we start out with. Or asking you to help them move. You can say, yeah, you know, I'd rather not. I've got a lot to do this weekend. Then potentially propose a compromise. You know, maybe next weekend I can help you come clean your old place or whatever. The second level. And that's the level where you're willing to be persuaded. The second level is no. You know, I've really got too much to do this weekend. Excuse me, but if it's an emergency, The second level is one where you really don't want to say yes. But if you have a friend or a colleague or your boss really, really needs something, then you might be willing to put aside something that's important to you in order to help them out. Level three is no under any circumstances. There is just no way I'm going to do this. I remember, you know, there are very few times where I've had to say no under any circumstances. But there have been times with our clients, you know, sometimes, especially those that are in recovery from addiction, they may need to say, you Know there is no, I cannot go to that party because there's going to be too many triggers. Absolutely not. It's not safe for me. Hard line in the sand. So encouraging people to know where their nose are. Is it a, you know, I'd rather not, but I can be persuaded, or is it a hard line? Can't do it. Group activities for developing assertiveness. Ask someone you feel is fairly assertive to sit on a chair in the middle of the room. Select a few other people and assign them a behavior type, assertive, aggressive, passive, passive aggressive. And tell them that their task is to persuade the person on the chair to give up the chair. Or if the person sitting in the chair has a bowl full of candies, they need to persuade the person to give them a piece of candy and see how those different behavior styles play out. Rehearsals are another thing to do. I encourage clients, we'll put a situation out there and I break them up into groups and each group will draw so they don't do the same thing each time, but to create a passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, and assertive response for each situation. So I'll just call on group A and whatever communication style they drew is what will be presented, and then we'll go to group B. This can be really fun to do in group. There's generally a lot of laughs, but it helps people practice and become more aware of their own behaviors. If a new colleague that you share an office with smokes continuously and you don't like the smell of smoke, you know, how do you handle that? Another situation you're feeling put upon at work and decide to ask for a raise. Or you're waiting to pay for some shopping, but the two sales assistants are deep in conversation and appear to be ignoring you. Or your employer expects you to take on extra work, but your existing workload is already heavy. Or you make a mistake at work and your supervisor tells you off in a very abrupt and angry manner. So I think most of us have encountered several of these situations, and clients can come up with their own scenarios as well. But this gives. I mean, generally going through all of these takes the better part of a group period. And like I said, it can be pretty fun to watch them act it out and people laugh. And it's good steps to being assertive. Know your human needs, your biological, you know, think Maslow's hierarchy. Biological needs, safety and security, creation, participation and contribution. So there's a lot there, but it all kind of is similar. We need to be able to make things and participate in the making of things and feel like we're contributing to the world. We need a sense of love, belonging, understanding and significance in the world and self esteem, growth and autonomy. So we have people look at these because when they're not getting these needs met is when they tend to respond with less than assertive behaviors. When they realize these and are more cognizant, then they'll understand where that fight or flight reaction might be coming from and they can address it more assertively. Encourage people to pay special attention to the universal needs that they think are not important to them. And encourage them to explore if they're using self deception or denial. So if they don't get a promotion, instead of going and assertively talking to the supervisor about why it didn't happen, they say, I didn't want the promotion anyway, it's not that important. But then six months later they're still talking about why they didn't get the promotion. Connect severe negative emotions to the fear of specific needs not being met. So maybe a fear of lack of security at your job or a fear of not being loved if they feel like they're being rejected. Encourage people to then identify areas where they are and are not assertive. And we have a list here. Physical space. Making new relationships, intimate activities. Setting boundaries, both physical and emotional. Public or large groups with authority figures over money matters or just being creative. I know my daughter doesn't like to share her creative stuff very much and I'm always honored when she's willing to share stuff with us. But she, you know, that's very private and personal to her and she sets that boundary. She's like, no, you know, this is my stuff. I'll show you when I'm ready. Physical space is one of those, you know, some people just don't like being touched at all. And they, they're very clear about that. Other people, you know, kind of shrink when somebody touches them. So encouraging them to be able to state, you know, I really prefer it if you don't touch me or, you know, or I'm a hugger, welcome. The next step is to encourage people to face their fears and practice being assertive with moderate self exposure. So doing that graduated exposure. So if somebody has difficulty talking with the opposite sex, for example, have them first ask somebody that they like what time it is and then ask 10 people of the opposite sex what time it is. So they start out with one and then they move to 10 total strangers. Then ask three people of the opposite sex for directions and their opinion on what to do. In town, and then 10 people of the opposite sex the same thing, and 10 people of the opposite sex for their email or phone number. And you can adjust this, obviously, because it kind of, you know, gets down to the hard stuff pretty quickly. But encourage people to create a ladder of anxiety so they can work through the first rung and realize it's not so bad and work through the second rung and go, okay, that's. I can do that. Other things people can do to start being assertive is encourage them to introduce themselves to a few people at a meetup or a party. Have them practice saying no. You know, saying their first no can be a real big thing for some people. Encourage them to ask for a raise when they complete a demanding project. If that's something that they want or think they deserve. Encourage them to not run away from conflict, but try to manage it. So they need to plan ahead. If they know they're going to have a discussion with a roommate, plan ahead behaviorally rehearse in their own mind how it might go, how they can assertively communicate. Find one thing you like about someone you dislike and compliment it and smile the next time somebody cuts you off. The next step is to develop social skills to improve self confidence. Depending on where the assertiveness is lacking is going to guide what types of activities the person does. But examples include reading books in an area where they're not assertive, or joining a public speaking course. If they're terrified of public appearances, if they're afraid of heated discussions, then intentionally, you know, letting the other person know ahead of time. But getting with a friend that they can have a civil, heated discussion with and feel free to express their opinions. And learning how to manage aggressive people and conflict and developing conflict resolution skills. Everybody's got difficult people in their life, so I shouldn't have even put. If people in your life that may be difficult can include aggressive people, the martyr, the person with borderline characteristics, or the person with narcissistic characteristics who always thinks they're right. This can be another role play that you can do in group, which can be fun. I find clients really like role plays because they're actually working with the material and when they're creating their skits, they're thinking of somebody they know when they're creating the Persona for their skit, so it's bringing it home for them. Dealing with guilt and shame. After doing an assertive act, some people feel guilt or shame, especially if they're rejected. So if they ask somebody out and they get told no, they may feel shameful. You may assume it's not okay to have your needs met, or you don't think you deserve it or you're embarrassed. So it's important for people to understand that everybody feels disappointed sometimes when they don't. Everybody doesn't agree with them or they don't get get something that they want. But with every small exposure, people realize that it feels good to get their needs met and it's okay to do so. And you know, more times than not it's going to go well, but there are going to be some no's in there. Reinforce the healthy belief that you have needs like everyone else and it's your basic right to meet them in a healthy and respectful manner. Dig deep into why you really feel guilty or shameful. What kind of errors were made in your upbringing that put a tough emotional burden on your assertiveness? You know, why were you taught that it's not okay to be assertive to state your opinion? It's a great chance for people to practice talking back to their inner critic and consciously decide to take good care of themselves and their needs. Instead of saying, you know what, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to make friends and it's okay if somebody tells me no, or you know, talk back to their inner critic who's telling them they should be afraid and shamed and feel guilty. Acknowledge guilt or shame. Make room for it, you know, kind of embrace it. Let's figure out what's going on here. Write down why it's so tough. Talk to other people about the situation and then let it go. Assertive communication means stating your feelings, thoughts and needs in a respectful but owning manner. Social barriers are those created when you start acting differently than those in your social circle except you to so it takes them a little while to adjust. Belief barriers are those automatic thoughts and schemas that help interpret events based on past learning. Where you may interpret that it's not a safe place to be assertive, or you may interpret events in a way that causes you to feel anger or fear. And it's harder to be assertive when you're in your emotional mind. When being assertive, it's best to provide your opinion or observations supported by facts. You know, if somebody says, did you like that movie? It's more fulfilling to them if you say yes because or yes, I really liked instead of just going, yeah, okay, what did you like about it? When making requests, it is ideal to create a win win by pointing out what's currently wrong, the behavior, what needs to happen and how it will benefit both parties. Do your clients need a little help staying on track between sessions? Are you looking for a great aftercare resource? Look no further than Docsnipes.com for as little as $15 per week, Dr. Snipes provides concierge coaching services to clients through online weekly groups, chat availability seven days a week and members only. Resources learn more@docsnipes.com.