Authenticity Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Nuggets

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on authenticity. This is part of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Nugget series and I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. Authenticity really means very basically being true to yourself, being authentic. We often become inauthentic because we're either trying to get other people's approval, we fear being rejected or cancelled, or we're just operating on autopilot. We're not being mindful. And when we're not mindful, we don't notice or really realize what we need. So it's hard to be authentic. The first step to becoming more authentic is to develop your self esteem, esteem and let go of the need for other people's approval. When you're inauthentic, when you're being a chameleon, you're trying to be what you think other people want you to be, they're not approving of you, they're only approving of the facade that you're putting forth. So if you want to be accepted for who you are, it's important to learn how to become authentic. And I'll give you two different analogies here. Chocolate chip cookies. This is my favorite because I love chocolate chip cookies. But chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate, which is very good on its own, thank you very much. Most of us can eat chocolate just right out of the bag. Sugar cookies, they're very good on their own, thank you very much. Sugar cookies don't try to be chocolate. Chocolate doesn't try to be a sugar cookie. They recognize if they were able to think that they are good on their own, they are valuable, they are lovable, they are yummy as they are. They don't need to be anything for anybody else except for who they are. So thinking of yourself as chocolate chip cookies. Now, when chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies are put together, they synergize and they make something that is like immensely wonderful, but they don't compromise what they are. The chocolate still remains chocolate and the sugar cookie still remains sugar cookie. Okay? So authenticity means being what you are and recognizing what you bring and how you enhance all of the things that you interact with. Another example comes from scripture. If you want to look at 1 Corinthians 12:27, where Paul is talking about how we are all parts of one body. An eye sees, hands work. You know, the eye wouldn't try to be a hand and the hand wouldn't try to be an eye. The hand wouldn't try to see. In order for the body to function, it's important that all of the different parts exist. And if we were all made up of just only eyes, not only would that look weird, but we wouldn't be able to do a lot of things. Authenticity means embracing what you are and what you bring and how you are integral to the whole, whether it's the whole of your community, the whole of your family, the whole of your workplace. What is it that you bring and and how do you contribute? With authenticity, start by becoming mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and needs and then act in accordance with them instead of how you think others want you to act. So the first step is becoming mindful. You can't be authentic until you know what your thoughts, wants and needs are. But once you know what they are, instead of keeping them locked up here in your head, say, okay, now how can I meet those needs? Let me live authentically. Let me share my thoughts and my feelings and do what I need to do to get my needs met. Now that's a radical thought for a lot of people. Explore. As you become more mindful, explore what you truly want and believe. When you start shooting yourself or thinking that this needs to be this way, ask yourself, who says, is that something that your caregivers taught you? Is that something that your teachers taught you? Is that something that the media taught you? Okay. And if so, you know, wherever it came from, do you believe it? Is this something that you embrace and you hold is true? If it is, great. If it's not, what do you believe instead? As you become more mindful and start realizing what you truly want and believe, you're going to notice that you are different, probably from the person that you have presented to the public. And before you start, you know, be becoming radically authentic with every, anybody and everybody. It's important to separate approval or disapproval of your behaviors or opinions from approval or disapproval of you. Some people may not approve of some of the behaviors that you do. For example, my daughter is a, what I call an ethical vegetarian. She doesn't eat meat, not because, for health reasons, but because she doesn't believe that we should kill animals and she doesn't believe we should eat animals. She disagrees with my behaviors of, you know, sometimes eating meat. It doesn't mean that she disapproves of me as a human. She just really doesn't like that behavior. And it's important to separate the difference. You're not always going to share the same opinions. You're not always going to think do the same things the same way. And that's okay. Respecting people's Right. To think, feel, and behave in ways that are authentic to themselves as long as they don't violate your boundaries is really important. Explore and address your fears related to being authentic. What would happen if you told somebody, you told your best friend what you actually thought or you gave your true opinion about something? What are your fears? And what do you need to do so you can feel safe being authentic? Which takes us to the next one. Practice being assertive and sharing with safe others. First. Part of being authentic means being assertive. Authenticity means recognizing your thoughts, wants and needs and communicating them in a way that lets people know what you think, feel and need. It doesn't violate their boundaries. You're being assertive, but it also lets people know where you stand so they're not violating your boundaries. It's a very healthy place to be, but it requires assertiveness. And I say share with safe others first. Start low and slow. You know, share something that's not too personal, not too, too much of a sensitive topic for you with your best friend or with a family member that you think is safe that won't react very extremely to your thoughts, wants, and needs. Once you get comfortable doing that and you've started developing a circle of supportive people who are willing and able to allow you to be authentic, even if they disagree, they're willing and able to allow you to be who you are. That's great. That's your support system. That's your circle. Recognize that radical authenticity may not be appropriate in all situations. If you're at work, sometimes you may think something or feel a particular way about something, but because it's a work situation, it may not be the appropriate time or place to be radically authentic. There were times at one of the places that I worked that I would have very strong feelings about something. But there was a time and a place, and generally it was when I had my weekly supervision with my boss, and he was wonderful about allowing us to be very authentic in his office. You know, we wouldn't start spouting our frustrations in the middle of the hallway. We would wait till we had supervision and then we could tell him exactly how we felt. And he may not agree. He may not be able to do anything about it, but he would acknowledge our thoughts, our feelings, and our needs. Encourage others to also be authentic and appropriately authentic, whether it's your kids or your friends or your family members, when you ask them something, even simple things like what do you want for dinner? Or what did you think about that movie? Encourage authenticity so they can get used to being open to sharing their thoughts, wants and needs in a safe environment. As you become more mindful, you'll become more aware of your thoughts, wants and needs. Authenticity means moving from just being aware of those things to actually acting in a way that's true to yourself. Being responsive, Being authentic can be very scary at first. And it's often not advisable to suddenly start practicing radical authenticity and just baring your thoughts, wants and needs to everybody. That that is really not advisable because it does make you very vulnerable. Start by developing your self esteem. So if people get upset about your opinions, for example, that their rejection of your opinion is not devastating to you, and you start separating rejection of your opinion from rejection of you because you're a person, your opinion is something out here. Develop safe social supports. Start developing people relationships with people with whom you can be authentic. They again, they may not agree with everything you think or need or do, but they are willing to love you for who you are and be supportive of you without trying to violate your boundaries and tell you what they think you should think or feel. Start slowly because being authentic can also make you feel and be a lot more vulnerable. So dip your toe in. Don't just jump into the pool of authenticity. Dip your toe in a little bit and get used to it. And then you can gradually start becoming more authentic with a greater variety of people. As you start to become more authentic, notice how it impacts your mental and physical health. As you actually start acknowledging your thoughts and your feelings and meeting your own needs, how does that impact your mental and physical health?