Boundaries and Authenticity 6 Weeks to a Happier Healthier You

Foreign. I'd like to welcome everybody, today's presentation of integrative behavioral health care. I AM your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. And today we are talking about boundaries and authenticity. Remember, this is part of our six weeks to a happier, healthier you. You can't live authentically and you can't even set boundaries very well until you get to know yourself. So the first step is to become mindfully aware of what you need, want, think and feel. And that sounds like something that we do automatically, but a lot of times we don't. A lot of times we try to conform to what other people want. A lot of times we are on autopilot and we're really not sure of what we need, want, think or feel. We're just kind of putting one foot in front of the other and not thinking about it. So it's important to start becoming more mindful in the present moment when something triggers a feeling. Good feeling, bad feeling, not sure what kind of feeling, but a feeling. Ask why. Ask yourself, why am I feeling this way at this time? And is this feeling accurate and based in facts? Sometimes you'll be feeling deliriously happy and you think, you know what, this probably isn't the best thing for me. Other times you may be feeling anxious or scared or stressed out and you look at the situation and you go, you know what? In the big scheme of things, this is not that big of a threat to me, if a threat at all. So it's important to use your cognitive processing and find the facts to support or contradict what you are feeling in the moment. So look for the facts for and against your belief and your feelings, you can make a better assessment that way. And then, regardless of how you're feeling, whether it's a happy feeling or a sad feeling or an anxious feeling, what can you do to help improve the next moment? Living authentically means being true to yourself, being who you actually are, the original, the one and only. And living authentically means knowing what you want, need, think and feel. Doesn't mean you're always going to get it. But it is important to know those things so you can assert those things. You can also spend time each day in order to become more authentic, to figure out who you are and what makes you tick. Because again, a surprisingly few number of people really actually knows what makes them tick on a moment to moment basis. Spend some time each day, or maybe set aside time once a week to reflect on the past. Especially the things that made you feel happy, loved, curious, excited, not things people told you should make you feel those that way, but things that actually made you feel that way, these are feelings that you probably want to enhance and increase in the future. So if you become more aware of the things that you like and the things that make you happy, and then guess what, you can assert those things. You can tell people those things when they say, what would you like to do? What would be your favorite thing to do this weekend? You'll actually have something to tell them so you can spend more time being authentic. You can also spend time reflecting on your personal rules, your shoulds, and your expectations. We all have them. And it's important to figure out, you know, those rules, what things do we should. Other people, when those rules may say, other people should act this way, I should act this way, I have these rules for acceptability, for acceptance, and that kind of flies in the face of unconditional positive regard, but it is what it is. We all have our own sets of rules. So reflect on your rules. Reflect on the rules that especially the ones that may add stress or may add frustration or anxiety to your life, and ask yourself, are these my rules? Do I actually believe that this has to be a certain way in order for me to be lovable, in order for somebody else to be lovable or acceptable? Or is that something I picked up along the way and I just never challenged? So examine your rules. Figure out if they're yours. If they are, great, then you can move on to the even if they're not, that's fine too. Move on to asking yourself, are these rules helpful? If it's your rule, you can change it. If it's somebody else's rule, you can change it. Rules are made to be adjusted as time goes by. You know, think about when you were little, you probably had a rule in your house that you were supposed to be in bed by 8:00pm well, as you got older and things changed, you stopped going to bed at 8pm you got older, you, those rules changed, you got more responsibility or, or things were altered. So rules can change. What we expect of people and ourselves can also change over time. And it's important to periodically examine those rules to see if they are helping us create an environment, create relationships, and be the person that we want to be. So once you know your thoughts, wants, needs, all that stuff, you know who you are, what you like, what makes you tick, or you're starting to figure that out so you can live authentically, then comes the time to start figuring out this whole boundary thing. And boundaries basically define where you end up and somebody else begins physically, emotionally, cognitively, physically. Our boundaries really are pretty self explanatory. Touch and eye contact, anything that makes you feel physically uncomfortable. What are your boundaries there? You know, when is it okay to give a hug, when is it okay to touch, when is it okay to, you know, be close to someone? When is it okay to make extended direct eye contact? And that is going to be impacted by your culture as well as your individual preferences, affective and cognitive boundaries. Your feelings and your thoughts kind of smudge together. So I'm covering them together. And it's important to remember that every person's feelings and thoughts are theirs and grounded in their past experiences, their reality. And in psychology, a lot of times we call this their phenomenological reality. Their reality is different than yours. Even if it is your twin sibling and you grew up in the same household, they had slightly different experiences than you did. So they may interpret or react to certain things differently than you do. They are potentially wired a little bit differently. I mean, if you're twins, it's going to be pretty similar. But we do know that there are some differences between twins, especially once they are, once they're born, how their brain and their neurons develop is, is based in their environment and who gets attention and how they're responded to. So you may end up, even if you are identical twins, having somewhat of a different brain structure. I digress. Anyway, everybody's feelings and thoughts are their, their own and grounded in their past experiences. And to that end, their feelings and thoughts are right based on their experiences. Their feelings and thoughts are right in the moment. And they are the ones that are responsible for, for finding the facts for and against their feelings and thoughts to evaluate whether they're accurate. It's not up to us to necessarily tell them that. And that is really important in relationships to respect other people's boundaries, to not tell them how they should feel or what they should think. And we need to ideally try to minimize that should word as much as possible and own our feelings. You know, if you're in a situation with somebody and that person is really upset about it and you don't see it as that big of a deal, Empathy is really important. Empathizing and saying, you know, I, I see that you're really struggling, I see that you're really unhappy, that's important. Acknowledging, validating their feelings doesn't mean that they have to be yours. And it also doesn't mean that you have the right to tell them that they're wrong for feeling how they Feel. And a lot of relationships are really improved once we start allowing people permission to hold their feelings and have their feelings without trying to take them away. And sometimes we want to make people feel better. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to see someone you care about struggling. However, we can assist them by being supportive. And I've used the analogy or the story before, talking about empathy. And empathy is a great explanation of boundaries as well. Two people, one person is stuck in a deep, dark, cold well and they can't get out. Another person is, you know, outside the well, looking down, going, wow, you know, it's really dark and scary in there. Let me strap on this rep rappelling gear. Those are your boundaries. And go down there in the well with you. So I can empathize, so I can experience what it might be like now I can still tug on that, on that rope and my repelling gear will pull me out. You know, I still have the ability to step out. I am not taking on your emotions, I'm just experiencing them. And that is really important to improving and enhancing relationships. Being able to empathize with someone without taking on their feelings, without being overcome by their feelings. And as I said, every person has a right to have and to hold their own thoughts and feelings. So often when I work with people who are grieving, for example, they have well meaning loved ones who are telling them, you know what, you need to get over it. And that is invasive, that's invading their emotional boundaries and telling them what they should do. And instead of empathizing and saying, instead of saying you need to get over it, saying, how can I help you improve the next moment? How can I help you right now? As they get help, as they get strength, as they process what needs to be processed in their own time, they will start feeling better. But they may need a little support and encouragement in order to get that way. So instead of telling them how they should feel, providing help and support, how can I help you improve the next moment? Environmental boundaries refer to our personal space, our privacy and our stuff. Whether you feel safe, you know, in your environment, that is a boundary. If you feel like your boundary is going to be invaded, then it contributes to a lack of safety, activation of that HPA axis and all kinds of other stuff that and stress that we don't want. So in your personal space, you want to feel safe. You want to know that you're not going to be physically, effectively or cognitively assaulted. And in today's day and age of media that is constantly in Our homes. Sometimes it feels like other people are invading our space because we turn on the news and we may hear something or see something that we don't want to see. And it makes it feel less safe because all of a sudden, we're confronted with that thing we don't want to see. You know, I've shared with you guys multiple times that the ASPCA commercials, I just. I can't tolerate them. And there are certain channels on television that I won't even watch because they regularly play those commercials. And I will be sitting there, you know, kind of immersed in a TV show, relaxed, having a good time, and all of a sudden I see this horrible image which I won't even describe to you because it's triggering for me. I imagine my description would be triggering for some of you. And, you know, so it doesn't feel safe to see that because they have now infiltrated my home. So it's important to pay attention to your personal space and recognize that our boundaries are not necessarily just brick and mortar anymore. They are also digital and setting those boundaries so we do feel safe. Privacy is another part of our environmental boundaries. Everybody has a right to privacy. And, you know, when you are a teenager growing up, you probably. You may have experienced your parents invading that boundary. How did you feel when you are in a relationship with a significant other? You know, there are certain things that may be private, and, you know, it's important to negotiate those boundaries, but also to recognize if you feel anxious or uneasy when you are allowing someone to have privacy, that that may be something from your past that you may need to explore and address and recognizing, you know, what kind of privacy do you want? And if you don't want any privacy, you know, where does that come from? Going back to. Each person's feelings and thoughts are theirs and theirs alone. Your significant other was raised in a different environment and may have different beliefs about privacy. So that may be a boundary that has to be negotiated a little bit. It doesn't mean you have to give in or just obliterate your boundaries, but you may have to move that wall a little bit and stuff. There are boundaries on stuff. And when you're in a relationship with somebody, those boundaries may be a little bit. Maybe fewer. But, for example, I would never use my husband's toothbrush. That's just. No, wouldn't do it in any circumstance. I can't think of a time where I would ever use his. His toothbrush. Now, I do borrow his hoodies a lot. So stuff is kind of negotiable but if you're living with a roommate, for example, and you just walk into their room and grab one of their sweaters, that might not be acceptable. So boundaries differ between different, different people and in different situations. And it's important again to negotiate those boundaries. You know, maybe you tell your roommate, well, I don't mind you borrowing my stuff as long as you ask first. Well, that's reasonable. And finally, relationships. And you may think, well, isn't that what we've been talking about? Well, yes, but there's also the boundary that refers to whether you can have relationships. Sometimes people are in a relationship and one partner, or maybe their parents, if they're younger, tell them who they can be friends with and what they can do and want to control their other relationships. Now, in ca, in the case of a parent child relationship, you know, that boundary and what the parents have the right and responsibility to do are probably going to look different than in a grownup relationship. But it is important to evaluate your boundaries in terms of, you know, if you in a relationship with someone, a best friend, a partner, whomever who starts trying to tell you who you can be friends with, you know, is that okay with you? If it is, you know, fine. That is your boundary. It's not for me or anybody else to tell you what's okay. But it's important to recognize what makes you feel comfortable, what helps you feel safe and secure. And that's what boundaries are about. When our emotional boundaries are violated, it feels threatening, it feels hurtful, it feels invalidating. When our physical boundaries are violated, it feels threatening. Same thing with environmental boundaries. Keep us safe. So where do you need to have your boundaries? With the important people in your life and, well, with everybody in your life, you're going to have boundaries with the cashier at the grocery store with where do you need to have your boundaries so you feel safe and that's important. Too often people ignore their boundaries because they want to be accepted, because they don't want to be criticized, they don't want to upset someone so they don't live authentically. And that adds all kinds of stress and distress to their life. When we don't respect our own boundaries, it increases stress, increases the HPA axis, reduces immunity, increases pain. You know, we go through this every single day about the impact of stress on our life. Boundaries and authenticity are huge. And going with this, and we had, we talked about it the other day, I believe is self esteem. If you have low self esteem, if you are relying on, on other people to tell you that you are okay if you if you have to have other people's approval in order to feel okay then it's going to be a whole lot harder to set boundaries and to act authentically. You're going to be more like a chameleon on roller skates if that makes any sense because those boundaries are going to be all over the place if existent at all and you're often going to be changing your colors and what you want think need all that stuff to please another person instead of to be true to yourself. So develop self esteem, behave mindfully, start practicing mindfulness in order to figure out what makes you tick so you can be the authentic one and only you and start setting boundaries respecting that other people may not like everything you do however if you are behaving authentically as Dr. Seuss says those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Have a great and fabulous and wonderful first day of 2021 and I will see you on Monday.