Boundaries in Relationships

Foreign. Hey there everybody and welcome to today's presentation. Happy Friday. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend planned. I know our temperatures are supposed to drop and it's supposed to be very fall like all weekend, so I'm looking forward to getting into doing some baking and things like that. But for today's presentation, we're going to be talking about setting boundaries in relationships. And I created the acronym Master. We'll talk about that as we go through. What are boundaries? Boundaries in general are an awareness of where I end and others begin. And this. There can be lots of different types of boundaries. They can be hard or they can be soft. A hard boundary is something that is something you're going to hold and it's not something you're willing to compromise on. A soft boundary, you're willing to compromise on it, but a hard boundary is set in stone. It's one of those, no, this is the way it's always going to be. We have at least five different types of boundaries. Our physical boundaries relate to space. Whether we like being touched, how much space we like to have between another person and ourselves. You know, that makes sense. We all have experienced times when people have encroached on our physical boundaries. And it may not be intentional. I know when we would ride the Metro in Washington D.C. it always made me a little uneasy because people were too close to me. There was, it was just. There were too much in my physical space and they couldn't help it. I mean the metro was cram packed. But knowing what your physical boundaries are is really important and asserting them as much as possible. Obviously I couldn't tell people on the metro to get away from me, but you know, when you're interacting with friends, with co workers, with family, it's okay to set those boundaries and let people know that you need a little bit more distance or to set, put the distance between yourselves and back up, for example, affective boundaries. You know, this is where it gets a little bit grayer. It's a little bit harder to define affective boundaries. But basically when you have affective or emotional boundaries, that means you know what your emotions are, you know how you feel about something, you know how you feel in general, and you can empathize with someone else who may not feel the same way, but it doesn't have to change your feelings. For example, if you are in a household and there is someone in your family who had a just an awful day and they are angry and frustrated, frustrated and depressed and you know, all of those dysphoric emotions you can empathize with that. You can be there, you can be supportive, but it doesn't mean you also have to become angry and depressed. And however else they're feeling, you don't have to merge with their feelings. You can have your feelings, and that's okay. Cognitive boundaries are similar to affective boundaries. That's our thoughts. And there are two different types of cognitive boundaries that I like to talk about. There are cognitive boundaries with others that we interact with on a daily basis. Our, our, our co workers, our bosses, you know, whomever. And it's okay to have your own thoughts and opinions, believe it or not, but it's also important to let them have their own thoughts and opinions. Part of boundary setting is not only maintaining yours, but not encroaching on other people's boundaries. So you can have boundaries with thoughts with other people. You can agree to disagree, basically. But then there are your internal voices, those little messages that you got when you have as you've grown up, messages that play inside your head, that tell you what you should think or what you should do. And it's important to be able to set boundaries with those voices too, because those voices are coming from the past. And when you hear those voices, just like when you hear somebody else's thoughts or opinions, it's important to hear them, to consider them, and to validate or invalidate them. If you agree, great. Hold on to them. If you disagree, well, then you know that's okay. In terms of your internal boundaries, if you disagree with, you know, something that you have always been raised to believe, then it's important to start setting that boundary and saying, no, that that's not right. Environmental boundaries similar to physical boundaries, but not quite the same environment. Environmental boundaries have to do with my stuff. It can be whether it's your diary or your drawers. Some people have environmental boundaries. They don't like other people washing their, their delicates will call them. There are a lot of different environmental boundaries, but it involves your stuff and what makes you feel safe and what you're okay with other people looking at, touching, messing with and what you're not. Environmental boundaries can also relate to your, your home. You know, some people love having people over and, you know, they don't mind having people in and out all the time. They've just got friends coming and going. And other people, they like their house to be their sanctuary, and that's an environmental boundary for them. They don't like having lots of people coming in and out. Depends on how you were raised, what your temperament Is all that stuff's okay. Recognizing environmental boundaries and then relational or relationship boundaries again. You've got two different types of relationships to think about. One is your relationship with yourself. And it's important to be mindful. We're going to talk about that in a few minutes. Be mindful of what you want, need, think and feel and to be respectful of those boundaries, to develop a respectful relationship with yourself, to be authentic relationship boundaries with others means obviously setting those boundaries with different, with your different people. Setting boundaries in relationships about what types of treatment you are willing to accept and not accept, about how often you need to communicate. You know, those are all boundaries that need to be negotiated. As you go through a relationship, you're not going to meet somebody and five minutes later sit down and go, okay, here are my boundaries. It's something that evolves over time, especially with those soft boundaries. Your boundaries for your best friend, you know, what you tell her or him may be very different than your boundaries with a co worker. You're not going to tell them the same things. I don't think so. It's important to recognize those sorts of things. When we have poor boundaries, it has a deleterious effect on our whole person. Physically, we feel stressed when our boundaries are invaded, we feel unsafe, we feel disempowered. And that's a problem. That unsafe and dis. Unsafeness and disempoweredness triggers that threat response system and puts us in a position of feeling hyper vigilant and anxious. Affectively, when we have poor boundaries, we have a hard time knowing what we feel and identifying what our feelings are. And we can also start feeling anxious and depressed for the aforementioned reasons. Cognitively, when we've got poor boundaries, we stop oftentimes trying to think for ourselves. We just say, okay, you know, whatever. My boundaries are going to be trampled anyway. And that can contribute to feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and depression. Environmentally, when we have poor boundaries, people are all in our business and all in our stuff physically, you know, aren't. You know, they're maybe sitting down at our desk and going through our, going through our drawers. That's not okay in most situations. And it's important to be able to feel like you've got safety, safety in your environment. When you don't feel safe, your anxiety goes up, your stress goes up, your health goes down. And in relationships, when we have poor boundaries, oh my gosh, it can be so destructive because the person who doesn't have boundaries, the person who feels like their boundaries are being invaded often Will feel hopeless, helpless, misunderstood, discounted, taken for granted. You know, the list goes on. The person with overly aggressive boundaries, the person who's invading other people's boundaries, you know, obviously can contribute to discontent in relationships, make other people feel like they're being bullied. And a lot of times that's very off putting if you're in a relationship with someone who is reg really invading your boundaries. But then we have a third set of people, unfortunately, and they have boundaries on roller skates. And this is really common in people who, especially if they grew up in households where there were, where there was addiction or significant mental health issues, relationships and, and boundaries were often on roller skates. Who was supposed to be the parent could switch on any given day, who was responsible for what switch on any given day. Communication is so important as well as consistency in terms of boundaries. Knowing what the boundaries are and if they have to change, being able to articulate why and for how long is important. But why is it hard to set boundaries? Okay, we, we know what they are a little bit now. We have reviewed some of the reasons that poor boundaries are not helpful. That they can be actually very harmful to us physically and emotionally. So why don't we just set them? Easier said than done. A lot of people have difficulty setting boundaries because they fear rejection. They don't want other people to not like them. They don't like adversity. So a lot of times it seems easier just to go along with what everybody else wants. Unfortunately, if you do that too much, then all of a sudden you may wake up one day and feel like people are not paying attention to you or are discounting your thoughts, wants and needs. Well, they are because they don't know what your thoughts, wants and needs are. You can't assume that people are going to know unless you've told them. Unless you've communicated what your thoughts, wants and needs are exploring. Your fear of rejection, where does that come from? Is going to be important to being able to start developing healthy relationships and setting boundaries along with that. Some people have this need for approval, need for external validation, which goes along with fear of rejection because they don't feel good enough. Their self esteem is, you know, down here in the sub basement. And when in order to feel okay, they need other people to approve of them. And in order to get other people to approve of them, they forego their own boundaries and try to meld or chameleon with the people in their lives. Another reason it's hard to set boundaries comes from internalized messages that your Thoughts, wants and needs are not important or not okay. And that may have come from your family of origin, that may have come from your peer group. It could have come from a lot of different places. And, you know, you need to check where those messages are coming from. When you start saying, my thoughts don't matter, my feelings don't matter, ask yourself, who says, where is that message coming from in the back of your head? And why is it not okay for you to set boundaries? A lot of times it goes back to family of origin issues and not having boundaries in that family of origin. In addicted families, we are often taught, don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. Everything revolves around the person with the addiction. And that can be very detrimental to people's self esteem as well as to their ability to feel safe and their ability to set boundaries. Because in those households, it never feels safe. You never know when the person with the addiction is going to have a flare up or what they're expecting. You know, things are always kind of chaotic. And sometimes people don't set boundaries or have difficulty setting boundaries because they've had prior bad experiences trying to be assertive. They grew up in situations that were, you know, relatively empowering, maybe, but they've had significant relationships or significant experiences in their life, maybe only a few, but they tried to be assertive and it backfired on them. Maybe they tried to stand up for themselves at work and they ended up getting written up for getting fired. So now all of a sudden, they start feeling very uneasy, uncomfortable about setting boundaries at work. So we do want to look. Whenever you have anxiety coming up, you try to set a boundary. Remember, boundaries keep us safe. You try to set a boundary to keep yourself safe, emotionally, physically, interpersonally, yada, yada. You try to do that and you start getting anxious. The question needs to be, why? Why? Why am I feeling anxious right now? What are my thoughts that are telling me that creating safety for myself is actually an unsafe move and it's going to be different for everybody. I can't possibly, you know, cover that in today's presentation, but, you know, we're talking about some conceptual things that if you're having difficulty with boundaries and you're working with a therapist, for example, you can start looking at where did I learn that it was unsafe to set boundaries? And why do I think it's unsafe to set boundaries? And in my current situation, is it unsafe to set boundaries? And culturally, there are some differences in boundaries between cultures. And, you know, so obviously being culturally sensitive to you know, where you grew up or where your significant others are coming from is going to be really important, especially if you're in a relationship with someone from a different culture. But start asking, being curious, not judgmental. You feel how you feel and it's important to start being curious and go, okay, why do I feel this way? And is this accurate and helpful for me at this moment in time? Which takes us to the acronym Master. You can be your the master of your own destiny. You know, think of it that way. Mindfulness, that's the first thing. Being non judgmentally mindful. What of what your thoughts, wants and needs are. You can't set boundaries unless you know what your thoughts, wants and needs are. Once you have, you know, you know how you feel or think about something, great, those are yours and you can accept them non judgmentally, they are yours. Not good, not bad, just yours. That's the first step. Assertiveness comes next. And remember, in communication, passivity is saying that my opinions, thoughts, wants and needs don't matter and yours are the only ones that matter. Okay, that's not helpful. That's, you know, not good. Boundary setting aggressiveness is just the opposite. It's saying my thoughts, wants and needs are all that matters and yours don't matter at all. Don't want to hear about them again, that's really bad in relationships and it doesn't set up a healthy power dynamic. Assertiveness says I know what my thoughts, wants and needs are. I'm open to hear your thoughts, wants and needs. And while we may not agree, we can respect one another's thoughts, wants and needs. And you know, sometimes there's a possibility for compromise, you know, setting boundaries about different things and I'm losing the my train of thought for, for examples to give you. But sometimes you're willing to give a little bit on something as opposed, you know, maybe let somebody have a little bit more space, give them an extra drawer in the bedroom or something, I don't know. But you're willing to give a little bit in your boundaries as you get to become more comfortable with that person. Self esteem is super important if you are relying on others for validation. If you don't feel good about yourself, then that fear of rejection is just going to be glaring and you may feel guilty. You may feel very anxious about setting boundaries, being assertive for fear of isolation or rejection when working on that self esteem. So you can look in the mirror and say I'm all that in a bag of chips, thank you very much. You don't have to say it to other people, just the mirror and, and recognize that everybody is not going to like you hard and fast. Truth, everybody is not going to like you. But that's okay if you like yourself. That's where you really need to start developing that relationship so you can be your own best friend and not rely on other people to do everything for you. You know, if, if things change in relationships and, and there is a bump in the road, you're able to validate your own feelings as legit and acceptable trust comes next. You've got to trust yourself. You've got to start learning to the learn, learning to listen to those spidey senses, that honesty in your gut. You've got to learn to start trusting your gut. If something doesn't feel right, that a lot of times it means that there may be a boundary violation going on. And it's important to recognize that and figure out where that comes from. But trust boundaries are about helping keep you safe. Which means you've got to trust your gut. When your gut says okay, this is a little unsafe here. Learn to trust your gut and check it out. Just because your gut says things may be wonky doesn't mean it's always right. But it's always important in my mind to listen to your gut and at least check it. Check it out. If you start feeling anxious, ask yourself why Empathize is super important in boundary setting in relationships. Like I said, you may have different things feelings from other people. Empathy is so important because we want to be supportive and respectful of other people's situation. We want other people to empathize with us and be respectful and supportive. Empathy is different than letting boundaries go. You can empathize and still maintain your own feelings and thoughts and space. And finally, like I've talked about multiple times, reflect on meaning when something feels a little bit odd or when you start feeling like you need to set stronger boundaries. Reflect on why you feel or weaker boundaries. Reflect on why you feel you need to move your boundaries or why you are holding those boundaries with this person. And at this time, things can change. As you get to know people, the boundaries are going to move a little bit. You know, you, when you first meet somebody, you don't have trust with them and, and you don't know much about them at all. So you're going to have different boundaries than somebody than with somebody you've known for 20 years. And it's important to reflect on those, on those things and understand. Reflect on the meaning of your feelings. And in situations where you start feeling like you're being taken advantage of or your boundaries are being violated. Okay, that was a very, very high level, quick overview of some steps to take in order, in order to start improving your boundaries. And yes, setting boundaries can be very difficult for some people because of the way they grew up, because of their feelings. People who tend to emotionally dysregulate often get frustrated because they grew up in invalidating environments. So environments where their caregivers, their family were encroaching on their boundaries and saying, your feelings are not right, you're overreacting. So they've regularly been had their boundaries stomped all over. So when they get older and, and grow up and they still are dysregulating, sometimes it can be really difficult to set boundaries because they've tried to do it in the past and it hasn't worked. So what's the point? Why exert the effort? And the important thing to recognize there is not all things are created equal, not all people are going to respond the same way. And as a six year old, you couldn't explain to your caregivers what was going on, you couldn't explain to them about emotional dysregulation. As a 26 year old, you hopefully have some more insight and can explain to them, you know, how you're feeling and recognize and validate your own feelings in that situation and, and use some distress tolerance skills. And, and when I talk about reflecting on meaning and trust, that's where it does come down to starting to pay attention, becoming more mindful of our boundaries in relationships. If you look at your relationships right now and you go, you know what the relationship, the boundaries in my relationships really stink. And it could be a variety of different types of boundaries. It's important to note that, figure out what your boundaries, what you want your boundaries to look like and why, and then start becoming more mindful. So you are aware earlier about boundary violations. You know, when somebody's starting to push that boundary, you notice that you're starting to feel anxious, you're starting to feel angry, and you can identify it then, and then have an assertive conversation with that person about, you know, what the boundary is, why it's important to you, and if it's a relationship that's based on respect and trust, and then, you know, hopefully that conversation will be fruitful. Are there other questions about boundaries or relationships or heck, anything else? It's Friday. Let's just throw the whole kitchen sink in there. I have several videos on the YouTube channel on relationship skills that can be Helpful. None of them are specifically that I remember that are specifically on boundary setting, but they do. There are videos on developing assertiveness, self esteem, you know, all of the stuff that we are talking about. When you are stating a boundary, it's important to again recognize and validate your own emotions. I feel anxious or angry that this boundary got violated. And that's okay. Accept your emotions ex non judgmentally and then it's best if you can take a couple of deep breaths. In for four, hold for four and out for four in order to start helping that rest and rest and digest reaction kick in and then figure out what you're going to say. I mean, ideally, if you can get out of the situation for a minute and let things cool off, that is the ideal situation. But if you can't, you know, think carefully about what you're going to say. Remember, when we get upset, that means we are angry or afraid. Generally that's our fight or flee, which means we feel a threat. So ask yourself, why do I feel threatened? Why do I feel like having this discussion is going to be threatening? Many times we're assuming the other person is going to respond aggressively and that triggers that threat response. We don't know how other people are going to, to feel or react. So it's important to also check that when you've been assertive in the past, when you've set boundaries in the past or you know, maintain, tried to maintain boundaries in the past, if it was met with aggression, if it was met with resistance, then of course your subconscious is going to tell you to expect that now. But it's important to check in this context, with this person in this situation, if I set a boundary, is that safe and am I just projecting my fears onto this situation, not knowing what's going to happen? Am I assuming the other person is going to react badly? A lot of times when we set boundaries, you know, my experience has been when I've set boundaries with people, they felt bad be not, you know, I wasn't trying to make them feel bad, but they were remorseful. If whatever word you want to use for violating a boundary that they didn't know I had, they didn't understand that that was not comfortable me. So it's a lot of times people don't realize they're going based on, they're making assumptions based on what their boundaries are instead of asking you what are your boundaries. So if you tell them nicely, then a lot of times they are happy to, to work with you on, you know, maintaining those boundaries and they won't violate them again. But it's important to be aware that if they have issues, they may react strongly and recognizing that their reaction a lot of times has to do more with them than with you. If you set a boundary, you tell them very nicely, you know, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't go through my desk or if you, you know, didn't do this because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Most, most people are going to go, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. If they don't, that really has to do more with them and their lack of respect than, than it does with you because that shows a lack of empathy on their part. And more to me, it shows more of a need for power and control. There are always exceptions to the rule, but ultimately when you set a boundary, it can be intimidating, especially the first few times you do it because you may be expecting an aggressive response. But once you practice it and get used to doing becomes a lot easier and it's a lot easier to do without getting upset. The other trick I use is to assume in my mind that this person doesn't know that they're violating my boundaries. And a lot of times that's true. And so it's an educational thing. I'm just, I'm sharing something with them. I'm not being aggressive or disrespectful, I'm sharing. And if I think about it that way before I do it, then my tone and my non verbals also tend to be a lot more easygoing. Alrighty everybody. Thank you for being here today and I will see you on Monday. Have a great weekend. I hope you are able to do something fun. If you're in the north, I hope you can stay warm and if you're down here in the south, you know, get out and enjoy the nice weather.