Codependency Self Help Week 1 Understanding Symptoms & Recovery Tools

Hey there, everybody. Welcome to this series on codependency. Today we're discussing symptoms and causes. This is week one of 20, so there's a lot of stuff to cover over the next couple of months. Let's start talking about the symptoms of codependency and what causes them. You can't effectively change a symptom until you identify their function. And, and once you identify their function, then you want to look back and say, why did I develop this symptom? What caused me to develop this symptom? So, low self esteem and a need for external validation is very common in people who are codependent, and we want to explore where that came from. They probably grew up in an environment that was critical or, or neglectful in some way. And in order to avoid wrath or rejection or abandonment, it was important that they did whatever their caregivers wanted them to do so that external validation. I know I'm okay, I know I'm safe if you tell me I'm okay and safe. As people grow up and individuate, as we say, they become their own person, they move out, they become adults. They may still rely on others to regularly tell them, hey, you're doing okay, you're a good person. Because they never learned how to tell themselves that. And they may not even believe that themselves. There's a lack of a sense of self awareness, and that kind of goes along with low self esteem and a need for external validation. Because growing up in that environment that was toxic or aggressive or abandoning or neglect often caused the person to keep into a very narrow set of behaviors. I'm going to do what I know is going to avoid harm. They didn't start exploring and figuring out what they believed, what they liked, what they wanted, because it wasn't about them in the environment in which they grew up. It was about the person with the addiction or the person with codependency, or it was about the caregiver that was experiencing mental health issues. It wasn't about them. So they never figured out what they like and what they need. Which is why a lot of times people with codependency seem to not have a lot of opinions about a lot of things, but then sometimes they have really strong opinions about others. Why is that? Well, because the strong opinions come from what they were taught was safe to think and do and believe. And the other things, they don't know what they're supposed to think. So they're just like, you tell me what I think about this. People with codependency often have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries. They grew up in an environment where they weren't allowed to think, to feel, to trust other people. The caregivers were either neglectful and just completely ignored them and didn't help them meet their needs, or that the caregivers were stepping all over their boundaries and telling them what to do and when to do it and how to feel and what to think. So they never learned how to set boundaries. And if they tried, it was probably often met with anger or abandonment or some other unpleasant and terrifying reaction for a child from a caregiver. As a result, they developed hyper vigilance in this environment. It was difficult to know what they needed to do when they needed to do it because boundaries were on roller skates. Sometimes they were expected to have an opinion, other times they were punished for having an opinion. They were constantly surveying the caregivers to try to figure out what they needed to do at this time in this context to stay safe. They were like a soldier in a foxhole. They were potentially able to eat, potentially able to sleep, but it wasn't good quality sleep. And they were constantly anxious or fearful or sometimes angry because remember, anger and fear protect from a threat. So the child may become angry and belligerent as opposed to anxious and passive. That's their way of trying to protect themselves. The way they manifest their perception of threat is based on what is rewarded. The angry and belligerent child. That may be the only way they can get their caregiver's attention because their caregivers are so disconnected from everything. So it's important to look at your symptoms and say, okay, what in my past caused me to start feeling like I always need to be on guard, like I'm never safe and people pleasing goes along with what we've talked about. People with codependency are often very strong people pleasers to their detriment. It's not just I'm going to do nice things for you when I've got energy or time or whatever, but it's I'm going to do nice things for you to my own expense because I so need you to like me. I so need you to not abandon me. I so need you to not be angry. And. And a lot of times people with codependency have a hard time saying no to things because of their fear of rejection or abandonment, which again often goes back to those early relationships. Now I will say codependency is not something that has to develop in childhood if somebody is in a dysfunctional relationship as an Adult. These behaviors can develop for the very same reasons. But it's important to recognize in you if you feel like you have some of these symptoms, what caused you to develop them and what function are they serving now? How are they helping you potentially, or stay safe, or how are they trying to help you stay safe? A denial of personal needs is also very common. If the person was in a relationship where the person with codependency was in a relationship where the dysfunctional other needed to be taken care of, and if they didn't take care of that person, then they would be abandoned, they would be in a bad place. Then the person with codependency learned to put aside their personal needs because in order to survive, they needed to take care of the dysfunctional other. A fear of abandonment is often covered up by a need to be needed. A lot of times people with codependency are attracted to people who have needs, people who need to be taken care of, people who are troubled because if they are needed, then they won't be abandoned. If they are indispensable, then it's less likely the person will abandon them. If it doesn't mean they're going to have a great quality of life, the relationship could be really crappy. But if they're needed, then a lot of times that person won't abandon them. Which takes us to control issues. Growing up or being in a relationship, even if it wasn't as a child with a dysfunctional other, can cause the person with codependency to start developing control issues. If you do what I tell you to do, the way I tell you to do it, you'll be fine. I need to watch your every move because I can't trust you to do the next right thing. Children may have learned that by watching their caregiver who was codependent take care of a dysfunctional other. Or adults may learn it in dysfunctional relationships as they are trying to care for a dysfunctional other. Difficulty expressing emotions or and or disregulation is another symptom of codependency. A lot of people who are have developed codependent symptoms. Remember I said they're hyper vigilant, they feel unsafe a lot of times, which means their stress response system is always on. And we know when that stress response system stays on too long, it quits functioning as effectively. And without getting into, you know, great explanations for why all that is, it's important to recognize that a lot of times the person with codependency will get to the point where they don't feel a lot. Most of the time they feel kind of flat. If they're not feeling anxious or. Or irritable, they're feeling kind of flat. But then when they do get upset, they go from zero to tsunami like that. And that is the stress response system reacting in overdrive. The stress response system saying, okay, I gotta get out of this. Kind of like when you're stuck in the mud, if you push on the gas a little bit, you're probably just going to dig yourself deeper. But if you're somehow able to get traction and you floor it, all of a sudden you get released and you go, you know, tearing out of there. That's kind of what the stress response system is doing. It recognizes you're constantly under stress and. And the dysregulation is a, oh, crap response. I gotta get out of here. Guilt is also very common in people with codependency because the dysfunctional other is often not willing or able to help themselves. And the person with codependency, since they think, well, if I can love you enough, if I can control you enough, if I can, you know, get you on the right path, then you'll be fine. And when that doesn't happen, the person with codependency often feels guilt. They feel like it's their responsibility to fix or change the other person. They miss the whole chapter on the fact that you cannot change another person. You can lead them to water, you can't force them to drink, as they say. The guilt can also be triggered in future relationships that in. In which the person they're in a relationship with is struggling with something. And if the person with codependency can't fix it, they feel immensely guilty. Now, they may also have been blamed in the past, if you hadn't done this, then I wouldn't blah. So one of the behaviors that is often seen in dysfunctional others, and I use that term because it's not just people with addictions. It can be people with trauma histories or borderline personality or a whole host of things. So we're just going to say dysfunctional other, someone who is having difficulty dealing with life on life's terms. But a lot of times the dysfunctional other in these relationships may, instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they will blame the person with codependency. And the person with codependency may accept that blame and feel guilty for it. And then enabling or rescuing behavior. And when we enable somebody, we are keeping them from experiencing the consequences of their own behaviors. If Johnny gets into trouble, and gets arrested. Enabling behavior may be bailing them out and making sure you get an attorney that can fix it for them. That doesn't cause them to learn from their consequences, the natural consequences of things. So now the question is, once you realize what your symptoms are, what do you do about them? I would encourage you this week to review the symptoms that we just talked about. Explore ways that you might demonstrate that. How might you express or act hyper vigilant? How might you demonstrate the need to control others, etc? Determine if the way you act or react to things is excessive or a problem? Every once in a while it's important to control some things. There's everything's on a spectrum. Are you doing it in a way that is healthy and helpful, or are you doing it to an extreme? Identify the function the behavior serves. How does the behavior help you feel safer? Help you feel loved? Help you feel like you have power in your life? Identify how you learned that behavior. Did you learn it from watching caregivers? Did you learn it by, you know, trial and error in relationships? How did you learn it? So you're exploring some of those traumas that taught you that you were unsafe. And then start thinking about alternate responses. You've developed other ways of responding or you know of other ways of responding you may not have tried much yet. Start thinking about what your options are. This is not, you know, an overnight process. Right now what I'm asking you to do is to just start explaining, exploring your history and exploring your behaviors or your symptoms, if you will, so you can identify their function. And then later identify behaviors that are healthier, that will serve that same purpose.