Codependent In Love Strategies for Creating Healthy Relationships

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on the Codependent in Love how to have healthy relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Remember, CEUs are always available at allce.comcody-ceus let's start out by defining what a healthy relationship is. It's important to recognize that we are not in a healthy relationship. You're not missing a piece. You don't need to be completed in a healthy relationship. You're both standalone awesome, but when you put the two together, it enhance. You enhance each other. It's important to think about what positives and negatives you bring to the relationship. You know, do you help? Do you hurt what? None of us is perfect. What positives and negatives does your partner bring to the relationship? And how is this partner and relationship similar to and different from prior relationships? So I mentioned the cookie metaphor. What am I talking about and how does that apply? Healthy relationships are a lot like chocolate chip cookies or cookies in general. You start with a basic sugar cookie, and in and of itself, that sugar cookie is really awesome. And then you have chocolate, which by itself, it's also really awesome. And in my opinion, even if it's semi sweet, it's really awesome. But you can eat those both independently. When you put them together. Oh, my. They are just absolutely wonderful. They enhance the flavor of one another. They enhance the texture, they enhance the experience. So let's think about putting other things together. You start with that sugar cookie. So we'll say you're the sugar cookie and you combine it with peanut butter. Now, most of us like peanut butter cookies. Obviously, if you're allergic to peanuts, you can see there's a problem here. You know, you wouldn't want to put those two together. But assuming you're not allergic to peanuts, when you put sugar cookies with peanut butter, it makes them a little bit looser, a little bit oilier. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just changes the texture. It changes the ultimate outcome. But peanut butter by itself and sugar cookies by themselves, again, both really yummy caramel. It's the same way if you want to make sugar cookies and combine them with caramel, you know, a lot of people will eat the little caramel candies. So you can have those by themselves or in coffee or anything else. And a sugar cookie, you put them together, they enhance each other. So what I'm pointing out here is that the sugar cookie is great by itself, and all these other things are great by themselves. And when you put them together, they enhance each other. In different ways. And that's awesome. You combine a sugar cookie with lemons. Now, not everybody's down for that. But think about lemon pound cake. Lemon sugar cookies are actually really good if you like the lemony taste. Not everybody does. So not everybody is going to love that combination. That combination is not going to work for everybody. Combine sugar cookies with onions. Okay, that sounds positively disgusting with to me. Onions by themselves, I'll eat them, especially if they're sauteed. But onions by themselves can have their own flavor, their own personality. Sugar cookies, same thing. Put them together, not so much. So my point is that not everything that is great by itself works together. Not every person that is great by themselves works together. You may meet a wonderful person, but you just don't work together. And then you've got sugar cookies and rotten eggs. Now rotten eggs, you're. You're just not going to eat. It's not something that you want to mix with, is it its own thing? Yeah, you know, it's great fertilizer for the garden, but ultimately, you know, it's kind of like bringing something toxic into your environment. It's going to not enhance that sugar cookie. So think about the people in your life. Who's peanut butter, who's caramel, who's lemons, whose onions, you know, they're wonderful, but you just don't quite jive. And who's the rotten eggs? And we want to try to set some boundaries to keep those rotten eggs from mixing in. In new relationships, it's important. If you have had codependent relationships in the past, it's really important for you to be aware of your vulnerabilities when you. What things emotionally, physically, environmentally, cognitively like thoughts are going to make you feel more vulnerable, make you more easily triggered to engage in codependent relationships. What can that. What might that person do that might trigger your codependent behaviors? Remember, when you're vulnerable, it means you're more susceptible. Just like when you're vulnerable to the flu or you're vulnerable to a cold, you're probably worn down. Your. Your immune system's not great. Okay, that's a vulnerability. Same thing in relationships. What are your vulnerabilities for codependency? And then triggers are kind of like the germs in the environment that make you sick. Triggers can be the things in the environment that trigger those old behavior patterns that cause those old sick behavior patterns. It's important to know what those triggers are and your relapse warning signs. When you are on the cusp of Falling back into old patterns. What do you do? In addiction, people often start with withdrawing, being more secretive. In codependency, you may do the same thing. You may start making excuses for the for your sign, significant other. You may start withdrawing from family and friends who've seen this pattern before and are likely to call you out on it. That's a relapse warning sign. You know you're getting ready to do something that's probably not in your best interest. Somewhere deep down inside, you know this. So you are trying to withdraw in a way to protect yourself so you can have what you want. What are your feelings, thoughts and needs or your FTNs? It's important to remain aware of your feelings, thoughts and needs. If you are feeling anxious, if you are feeling depressed, if you're feeling angry or resentful or guilty, any of those things. And why are those feelings being triggered by what's going on in the present moment with the current person? Or are they being triggered in the present? But there's something from the past. Something in the present is triggering past memories, and you're holding the people in the present hostage or reacting to people in the present like you did react to those people in the past. Which brings us to reality. It's important to maintain a regular, mindful awareness of reality. This person is not the dysfunctional other with whom you were in a relationship before. It's also important, though, to not jump in too quickly. A lot of times with codependency, people want to control the situation. People want to try to rescue and make themselves indispensable. And they make a lot of assumptions about people in the present based on people in the past. So it's important to regularly check in and ask yourself, how well do you actually know this person versus what you think you know? And that is really important. If you think that they can't do this or you think that they need this, okay, that's your assumption. What do you actually know? And likewise, you know, you may have gotten into a relationship with somebody who you think is, just, as my grandmother would say, the bee's knees. However, it's important to recognize, especially in that first four to six months, but maybe even longer than that. On for distance relationships, for example, people tend to put on their best behavior. So are you falling in love with a facade? Are you falling in love with their best behavior? Or do you really know the real them? Do you really know what their habits are? Like, you know, leaving their underwear on the floor or piling all their dirty clothes on the easy Chair and in the bedroom instead of putting them away. What is it that, that you really actually know about this person? So make sure you're not falling in love with a facade or a fantasy. You may have this fantasy that this is a diamond in the rough and you are going to polish them up and make them a beautiful diamond. Get over it, okay? They need to be able to choose whether they're going to polish themselves. It's important to recognize and, and not fall in love with this fantasy that, okay, this person isn't that great, but I can fix them, I can change them, I can mold them. No, you know, that is setting yourself up for getting back in a codependent situation. Boundaries is another challenge in new relationships. It's important to remember not to quote, give them your key on the first date. In my video that I talk about how to set and maintain boundaries, I make the analogy that relationships and boundaries are like a house and you can choose who you let in and how long you let them stay. And a random person that comes to your door, you're not going to let them in the house. A random person that you meet on the street, you're not going to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets. So you're not going to let them in your house. Whether it's your emotional house, letting them know your, your in inner feelings or your cognitive house, you may not tell them about all of your thoughts. You may keep that conversation very superficial. As you get to know them, you may be more comfortable to let them in, so to speak, into the foyer. So this is where you're telling them a little bit more about your thoughts that you wouldn't share necessarily with somebody on the subway, but less than what you would share with your best friend or your family. As you get to know them more, then they're going to maybe be invited into the house where they can, you know, sit in the living room and go to the bathroom unsupervised and all that stuff. That's wonderful. And then the final step is when you, quote, give them your key. But this is a process. Getting to know somebody and giving, giving somebody your key with your emotional and cognitive boundaries means letting them know the true you, how you really feel about anything and everything, and what your thoughts are about things without fear of retribution. But it takes a while before you can actually trust somebody to let them quite that far in. Make sure not to violate other people's boundaries by giving unwanted advice, shoulding them, or being too helpful. What does shoulding them mean? A lot of people who have been in codependent relationships before hear somebody having a problem and instead of asking them, I wonder what do you think you need to do now? Or is there any way I can help? The person with codependency jumps in and says, okay, this is what you should be doing, this is what you need to do. And that can be overpowering and overwhelming and off putting pudding to a lot of people. And finally, don't lose yourself to get their approval. Don't invite them into your house, your mental, emotional, physical house. Don't let them just stomp all over your boundaries in order to get their approval. Don't change how you think or how you feel. Don't be that chameleon you trying to get their approval. Authenticity is super important in relationships and in having healthy non codependent relationships. And engage in assertive communication about your feelings, thoughts and needs. This goes along with not losing yourself to get their approval. Assertive communication means this is how what I think about this particular issue. If you don't agree, that's okay. I'm not going to tell you how to think. You don't tell me how to think. Both of our thoughts and points of view are equally valid for for each of us same thing with our feelings. And that's the assertive point. Saying, my thoughts, wants and needs are just as important and just as valid as your thoughts, wants and needs. I may not understand yours, I may not agree with yours, but I'm not going to tell you they're wrong. I'm not going to invalidate them. Emotion regulation is another challenge in new relationships for people who are codependent. Recognize anxious excitement is normal when you're in a new relationship. It is normal to feel vulnerable. It is normal to be anxious. Did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Are they going to call me? Those things are normal and not spinning out of control into complete abandonment. Anxiety meltdown is really important and it's helpful to have a friend or a support person that you can talk to to make sure that you are kind of staying in check, not to take away your anxious excitement. You know, that's part of the fun of new relationships is that excitement, but also to help you temper it so it doesn't become an obsessive thought. Distress tolerance is another skill that's really important in early relationships. If that person doesn't call or waiting for that person to text you or call can be very anxiety provoking. And developing distress tolerance skills is really important so you don't automatically start assuming they're not going to call. Or spiraling into depression and abandonment anxiety. Making sure you have those distress tolerance skills. And radical acceptance versus splitting. Recognizing the good with the bad. Radical acceptance recognizes that, hey, there are great parts to this and some not so part, not so good parts. Instead of saying this person is all bad or all good, or the situation is all good or all bad. So for example, if you're in a relationship with somebody you're dating for a little bit, maybe a few weeks, and it ends, you know, radical acceptance would be embracing the fact that when you were together, you were having a really good time, so you had a great few weeks, you learned more about yourself and because of that relationship, you are strengthening your distress tolerance skills. Splitting would go would be saying, I'm never getting into a relationship again. Relationships are always bad and I suck as a person and everybody's going to abandon me. You know, that's all the way over to the other end. And listening without defensiveness to disagreement is also super important. Remember, people with codependency often have a lot of abandonment anxiety. Therefore, when they hear someone disagreeing with them, remember I talked about assertive communication. When they hear somebody disagreeing with them many times, they may feel like the other person expects them to change their opinion. They may feel like the other person is invading their boundaries. And it's important to recognize and hold fast to those boundaries. If they're disagreeing with you, number one, that's their opinion and they have the right to their opinion. But also, rejection of an idea is not rejection of you. If they don't like your opinion on something, that doesn't mean they don't like you. That doesn't mean they think you're stupid. That's globalization. That means within this particular situation with this particular idea, they disagree. And that's super important in communication and recovery in codependency. To not overgeneralize and to recognize that people can reject an idea, cannot like something you do, but they're not necessarily not liking you. There's a difference between your ideas and your behaviors and you. If the videos on this channel have been helpful for you, please support us in our mission to make high quality, practical content available to everyone. You can donate@docsnipes.com donate join the channel@docsnipes.com join or purchase a thanks on any video that's particularly helpful. People in recovery from codependency and or other addictions are often advised to avoid relationships for at least a year. Now, this is intimate relationships, but it's important to recognize that even friendships can become codependent, even work. You can become codependent with your clients, for example, if you work in human services, including if you're a teacher. So it's important to be aware of your codependent thoughts and behaviors and be mindful of them on a regular basis. Again, you're not going to want to be a hermit, but it is important to be aware of those and ideally not jump into another intimate relationship until you really have your bearings and you feel secure in yourself. Non romantic relationships, friends, treatment buddies, and clients at work can be just as toxic. If they are codependent themselves or if they are quote broken in some way, then it may be very triggering for your codependency. So it's important to regularly assess the people in your life and the things that you're doing in your life and whether they are supportive or disruptive to your recovery. Avoiding all relationships, in my humble opinion, is unhealthy. Daily mindful reflection and regular support are essential to maintaining those healthy relationships, though regularly stepping back and going, okay, is this relationship still healthy or am I starting to backslide into codependency? Other videos can be found on codependency at Docsnipes.com cod on relationship skills at Docsnipes.com relationship or on communication skills at Docsnipes.com communication.