Cognitive Behavioral Tools for Addressing Anger, Irritation and Resentment | Clear the AIR

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Started.

I'd like to welcome everybody to today's.

Presentation on anger, irritation and resentment called Clearing the Air. Yeah, we're going to talk about some other things, but I was trying to be cutesy with the name. I am Dr. Donnelly Snipes, your host. We're going to explore the function of anger and we're going to explore how there are multiple different types of anger and anger is just kind of a big garbage pail term for a lot of different feelings with different nuances. When I went through graduate school, counseling 101, we weren't allowed to use the words happy, mad, sad, glad, angry, or afraid. We had to find some other word that expressed more accurately exactly what we were feeling. Instead of sad, it was either devastated or grieving or something else. Not that I would necessarily make clients go through all of that because it can be frustrating to try to put your finger on exactly what flavor of sad or what flavor of angry you're feeling at the moment. But it can be a useful experiment for some, and we're going to explore.

Different types of anger to include just.

Your run of the mill anger. People get angry, irritation, resentment, envy, jealousy, guilt, and regret.

Anger is part of the fight or.

Flight reaction, which is your brain's natural response to a perceived threat. Fight, anger, flee. Fear makes sense. Your brain wants to protect you. The difference is exactly how you feel it and why you are feeling it. Anger typically is your dominating because anger is the fight reaction and it's intended to push away or help you dominate a threat. Sometimes people get angry even if they know they can't necessarily dominate the threat because they feel trapped. Think about cats who get caught in a corner and they know that you're 100 some odd pounds and they're like 10 some odd pounds. You're 10 times bigger than they are. But they can't get away. So they're going to act as big and bad and dangerous as they possibly can because that is their way of trying to protect themselves. And sometimes we can do that emotionally when we feel backed into a corner. Even if we know it's a situation we're probably not going to when we may express anger in order to try to protect ourselves and create sort of a shield.

Threats.

That's what causes anger or fear. That's what triggers the fight or flight.

Reaction, and they can Be to your.

Physical person, like physical harm. That can make you angry. And I want you to think about that more broadly. People can get angry. Remember, anger is part of the grief response. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. If they get a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis or something else, they're not having somebody else actually physically attack them. But their body is experiencing harm and they can't control what's going on in their body. They can't control necessarily the damage that is happening to their body. So we can get angry.

It can be damage to property, anything.

That damages your stuff, your car, your house. And you can get mad when people do that. We can also get mad when there are acts of God like hurricanes or bad storms or floods that also damage our stuff. One of the things we're going to talk about as we go through this is figuring out when we get angry, what, what parts of the situation we have control over. I can't control the wind, I can't make a hurricane turn and stay off the coast.

There are a lot of things that.

I can't change with the person who gets a diagnosis of some sort of physical illness, they may get angry because their life is not going to be how they anticipated it. They're angry angry because they can't necessarily control what's going on in their body. But what parts of that can they control? They can control prevention, they can control going to and adhering to their treatment plan. We're going to look at embracing the dialectics and accepting that just about everything has things that we can and cannot control.

And threats can also be to your.

Self esteem or self concept. And that's what much more vague in nature. When people hurt your feelings, that can cause you to get angry. You feel rejected, you feel violated.

They can make you question your goodness.

As a person and that can make you feel angry. Or people may make you feel concerned that other people will think poorly of you.

As humans, we are kind of wired.

For, for wanting acceptance. Rejection, failure, isolation and loss of control are big hot button issues for a lot of us. And when you think about what's going on, what is triggering my dysphoria, a lot of times it can be narrowed down to one of those four things in some shade or another. It may not be intense, but, but like, you know, super rejection. But if somebody hurts your feelings, you know, they may not be rejecting you completely, but they're rejecting maybe an idea that you had and it can make you feel sad or, or hurt.

We want to look at the origin.

Of some of these threats too.

Sometimes we can get angry because of things that other people do.

You know, they were rude to us, they cut us off, they, whatever they did or things that they don't do, they forgot our birthday, they didn't hold the door open for us. Whatever it is that irritates you, I don't know. But we can get mad at people for things they do or don't do. And one of the questions I would, I always posit is, did they know or were you expecting them to read your mind? Were you expecting them to read your mind and know that when they do this, you find it very irritating? Were you expecting them to read your mind and just know exactly what they were supposed to do for your birthday or for Christmas or your anniversary or whatever it is? And a lot of times we'll come down, it'll come down to, oh, you know, oops, the person didn't know, or they tried, but they didn't know exactly what I wanted.

Another source of threat can be the internal critic.

Those old tapes from people or situations in the past that you may hear in the back of your mind that make you feel defensive, that make you feel irritable.

And your conscience can be another source.

Of a threat in terms of guilt and regret. If you're looking back at something and you regret not following through with something you were supposed to, or you feel guilty for doing something, that may be your conscience going, you kind of shoulda, coulda, woulda. And we need to figure out how to deal with that instead of nurturing it. Anger is a perfectly natural, helpful, healthy emotion. It is one that we feel that.

Tells us to get off our butt.

And do something because there is a threat. We want to feel anger when it's appropriate. It's what we do with it that is can be detrimental. You don't want to nurture anger. You don't want to hold onto it. You don't want to pack it away somewhere so it's grows old and smelly like the gym socks that you forgot in the trunk of your car? We want to use our tools to deal with that anger and we want to use that cue to improve our life. If we feel angry, that's a clue that I'm not feeling safe in some way right now. What can I do?

Themes as I mentioned earlier, Rejection and isolation.

Loss of control or the unknown. Death and just general loss. Not all losses involve death. Losses can be the loss of a friend or the death of a relationship. Losses can be because you, you moved and you lost all of those connections that you had, that sense of comfort and community that you once had. And failure is another theme that we can approach in terms of something that's devastating when we fail, what does it mean about us? We can also approach failure looking at those dialectics again, as a learning opportunity. Okay, so I failed. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It means that that's not how I.

Need to solve this problem.

And maybe there is a better way that I can learn how to do this in the future. So looking at it as a learning experience or a growth experience.

We also need to recognize that there are real threats.

There are real threats in this world. There are also perceived threats based on our prior experiences. Cognitive distortions. Flying, for example. Is it a real threat or a perceived threat? Well, yes, it can go south, that airplanes can crash, but how likely is it to happen? And obviously that's a anxiety based analogy.

But we do want to pay attention.

To, you know, was this person really trying to hurt our feelings? Were they trying to get us fired so they could get our job?

Or, or is that just a perception.

We have from past experiences or emotional reasoning? You know, we feel angry at this person and we need to, we're trying to figure out why we feel angry.

And perceived threats can also be based on incomplete information.

You know, Sally got fired from her job and she is hot, let me tell you. She is enraged that she got fired and so, and so who does half the work that she does is still kept their job. We want to look at or encourage Sally to look at, let's look at all the information. What factors went into you getting fired besides your productivity levels?

When I work with clients, I want.

Them to recognize and start thinking about.

How they handle threats to their person.

Or to their product. If somebody is coming at you or somebody is trying to take something you want, how do you handle that? Do you give it over? Do you hold on to it? Do you get angry?

How do you handle threats to your self esteem?

When somebody says something that is hurtful and you know, we see that a lot in the media, whether it's through influencers or whatever, there is some really nasty, hateful commentary that goes on in the media, social media and otherwise.

And that can be damaging to people's.

Self esteem and it can really make them angry and it can make them feel like angry at the whole world, make them feel like other people are not safe to be around.

So we want to figure out how.

To handle these threats that come from others that are Potentially triggering for our anger. Somebody says something bad about you and you get angry about it. Okay, you get angry. Now what do you do with that? This person said something bad about you on social media or in the break room at work. Holding on to that anger, nurturing it and growing this resentment just takes a whole lot of energy. And to contain it and manipulate it and keep it going, what else could you do with that energy in order to deal with that anger, in order to deal with that situation?

How can we handle threats from our internal critic?

And those often come from other people in our past who have been critical of us or who have taught us to be critical of ourselves. How do we silence those voices? How do we deal with that person in our own head?

And how do we deal with threats.

From our conscience that go to guilt or anger or regret?

Remember, anger is a generic term that describes the fight reaction in response to a threat. You feel like you can conquer the.

Threat or you don't see any options for escape.

Anger happens on a continuum ranging from mild irritation.

You know, somebody cuts you off in traffic and you're like, ah, to rage. And you know, I'm not thinking of anything right now that would necessarily prompt rage.

The level of anger experienced is usually in proportion to the immediate threat.

If somebody cuts you off in traffic, it is inconvenient. You may have had to pump your brakes a little bit, but it was probably, probably not a huge threat. If somebody is trying to harm your child, you are probably going to get become enraged because that threat is there and it's immediate.

And it can also be in proportion.

To the cumulative effect of multiple threats. If somebody triggers your anger or if multiple things trigger your anger, we have that saying, the straw that broke the camel's back.

Sometimes people can get angry about something.

That went wrong at the house this morning. They can get irritated with their kids. They had, you know, to fight through traffic that was irritating. They had a bad meeting with their boss and that kind of made them feel self conscious and angry and frustrated. And then something else happens and all of a sudden it's just like, I can't take anymore. That anger hadn't been dealt with. And it built up and built up and built up. So the final level of anger was probably disproportionate to whatever that straw was that broke the camel's back. We want to encourage people to be mindful. It's not always appropriate to stop after every anger situation and process and decompress and yada yada. Sometimes you got to button it up and move on for a period of time. But it's also important to recognize when you are having successive assaults, if you will, to your sense of safety. That way you're aware that you are probably going to be edgier and a little bit more irritable.

I think most of us, if we.

Practice mindfulness, are aware of at least some of the time, you know, that, you know, today I got up on the wrong side of the bed and I am feeling more irritable and I'm feeling more drained. So it's likely that I'm going to get angry easier. And mindfulness is hugely helpful. It can also help people understand why they got so upset over something. You know, they had multiple bad things happen throughout the day and they came home and the cat box was still dirty. The whoever was supposed to change it didn't change the cat box. And it was just like, I give up, that's it. And that was that straw that broke the camel's back.

It's a cat box.

You know, cats usually just don't care that much as long as it gets changed periodically. So that's probably not a huge immediate threat.

However, that was a threat to the.

Person because what did that represent? It represented, in a sense, disrespect. If you had said, the person had said, the cat box needs to be changed every day, you know, in the morning or whatever, and they came home and the cat box was still dirty, then that feels like disrespect from the other person. Now we want to go back to what else may have happened. We may have incomplete information. Maybe the cat box didn't get changed because you ran out of litter yesterday. Maybe the cat box didn't get changed because they had something else going on. They, you know, had the flu or.

Their kid had the flu or whatever. You know, there could be other reasons.

That that cat box didn't get changed besides disrespect.

Many times when people feel angry underneath.

They also have a sense of helplessness and disempowerment. We want to look at that. Helplessness and disempowerment would trigger a sense of fight. I don't want to feel helpless because then I feel vulnerable.

Encourage people to take a look and.

This is a great between session activity.

About things that trigger their anger, what.

Triggers their sense of rejection or isolation.

What triggers their sense of loss of.

Control or the unknown.

For me, for example, and a lot.

Of times when I do this in group, I'll have the whiteboard and I have four columns and Loss of control in the unknown is sort of ambiguous. And we'll talk about. Sometimes I get irritable or. Well, irritable, I guess, is the best word when I'm waiting on test results from the doctor. Sometimes I get edgy and crankier when I know that I've got to drive into a town I've never been to before, especially if it's a big city, because I feel completely out of control in big cities. I'm a country girl.

So I start giving people examples like.

That, and they can go, oh, yeah, okay. You know, those are the things that trigger, you know, my feeling of uneasiness or irritability or crankiness. And then they start realizing how many times they actually experience some form of anger during the day, and they start becoming more aware. Once they're aware, they can start dealing with it.

What things trigger your threat or your.

Sense of threat regarding death or loss, whether it's getting a, you know, diagnosis. Going to the doctor.

Some people don't like to go to the doctor.

My daddy was this way. He didn't want to go to the doctor because he didn't want to know. He was more afraid of getting the news than he was of potentially having something that could be problematic.

And the sense of failure.

What makes you feel like you failed? What makes you feel angry? That has to do with failure. And it can be getting passed over for a promotion. It can be breaking up out of a relationship. It can be somebody being critical.

There are a lot of different things.

That can trigger our anger as it relates to a sense of failure.

So what do we do? First, identify the threat. Explore your automatic beliefs, triggering the anger, to try to figure out why this.

Is making you angry.

For example, if you have.

You're sitting in a doctor's office. We've all been here. The doctor is running late. And I don't mean five minutes late. I mean really late. And you're feeling irritable, you're feeling angry, you're feeling disrespected because your time is important. You're feeling undervalued, which makes you potentially feel angry that that doctor doesn't have the respect for your time that he requires, the same way he requires you respect his time. If you ran an hour late for your appointment, he most certainly wouldn't see you.

We want to look at, you know.

Why is this making me angry? And understand what's going into it, and then we can validate, yes, this is disrespectful. I have gotten up on more than one occasion and left a doctor's office when they've been running that late. I'm like, you know what? Clearly doesn't have time to see me today. I've got other things to do, you know, whatever. And obviously I don't call and reschedule for that same doctor because they don't have respect for my time except for my obstetrician.

You know, OB GYNs can't schedule when.

Babies are necessarily going to come. So, you know, I had more leeway there because, you know, I had information. And, you know, even with other doctors, I may ask the nurse manager, you know, is there something that's holding this doctor up? Now I can be a little peeved that they didn't call ahead of time and call all of his patients and go, you know, Dr. Smith is running three hours late because he ran into complications in surgery. You know, that would have been much more respectful of someone's time. But going back to figuring out what is it about this situation that's making me angry and is this something worth getting upset about and how can I deal with it? I could sit in the doctor's office and stew and stew and let my blood pressure go up, or I could ask the nurse manager, you know, if there's any time in sight that the doctor might show up or just leave. There are options that I have that starts making me feel less powerless and more empowered to deal with this threat to my sense of self and sense of self worth.

How similar is this to other unresolved.

Situations in your past? The doctor running late could be irritable.

Let's talk about a friend failing to keep a promise. Most of us have failed to keep.

A promise at one time or another. We have forgotten we goofed.

We screwed up.

You know, it happens. It's not something that happens frequently, hopefully, but we probably have occasionally goofed and forgotten something. And.

So when we start getting in.

A situation where we have a friend who, who said, I promise you I will come help you move this Saturday, and then they call you up on Saturday morning and they're like, you know what? I can't come over and help you. Okay, well, we don't know necessarily what went into that. Maybe there's a reason to be a little peeved. They stayed out drinking all night long and they're too hungover to come help you, you might be justified in being a little bit peeved. But the intensity of the anger is this similar to other situations where other people have repeatedly let you down, or similar situations when this same Person has repeatedly let you down. And what is that anger telling you? And what is your knowledge of the situation telling you?

And are there alternate explanations for the situation?

Like I talked about with the doctor.

Did they get caught up in surgery?

Did they, you know, I don't know. With most doctors, there's not a whole lot of wiggle room there. But you do have the occasional emergency that comes up. I had a dentist one time who had an emergency root canal for a juvenile. And you know, I'm not gonna make some kids sit in pain. Well, because I, because I want to be out on time. You know, he worked that kid in, in order to help, help him feel better and you know, okay, cool. I'm not heartless. Alternate explanations, understanding the bigger picture. Sometimes there is no good excuse or explanation. Other times there is. So we do want to look for that. The kitty litter or cat box, if the kitty litter was out, or you.

Know, your friend failing to keep a.

Promise, maybe they actually woke up and they truly did have the flu today, you know, or their kid had the flu. Sometimes you just. There are things you have to work around.

What threat theme is it related to? Some people are more sensitive to certain.

Threat themes like rejection. And we want to look at the situation and go, is this really about you?

Even if somebody is being verbally hateful or critical.

Are they rejecting you? How much of it is about you and how much is it, how much of the situation is it about them? Because a lot of what people do is more about them than about anybody else. It's about how they interpret a situation. It's about what they need in the moment and, and less about what other people need or maybe even the actual objective facts of the situation we want people to look at. Is this situation really about me and are they rejecting me? Maybe they are providing constructive feedback about an idea, or maybe they just don't like an idea. You bring an idea to your boss and he goes, you know, yeah, no, no, that's not going to happen. Okay, you know, that may smart, especially if there's no good explanation given for why. But is that a rejection of you? Is he saying, you are awful as a therapist and I don't want you working for me anymore and yada. No, he said he didn't like that idea. So we want to make sure that people don't overgeneralize or over purpose personalize things. Going back to those cognitive distortions when.

We talk about failure, is the person.

Globalizing if they fail a test, are they getting angry and saying you know, I am going to fail at everything and I hate this school and I hate my professors and. Or are they being realistic about what that failure means? What can you learn from the situation when we fail? It's an opportunity to learn. I don't think I've ever encountered a situation, a failure type situation where there wasn't something that could be learned. And it can be how not to do it. It can be that, you know, maybe this isn't something that's in your wheelhouse.

You know, there are a lot of.

Different things that you can learn from failure. You can also learn about what your resources are. Who else in your system could be helpful in this situation since it's not something that's really in your wheelhouse. Plumbing is not in my wheelhouse, thankfully. It's in my husband's. We had a leak the other day and, you know, I didn't know how to even begin to handle it, so I turned it over to him. Does it mean I failed as a person because I couldn't fix something that was going bad at the house?

No.

Means that that just wasn't my thing.

Loss of control in the unknown. Encouraging people to look at what parts.

Of a situation were and were not in their control.

For example, if they didn't get a.

Promotion, that can feel, rejecting it can make you feel like a failure and it can contribute to a sense of loss of control. It's like, why did I get passed over again? You want to encourage the person to look at what parts were in their control and not maybe this promotion was to this other department where you wouldn't be a good fit. They needed somebody who was extremely detail oriented. And you're the more creative, broad strokes type of person. Okay, it makes sense. At the job I worked at in Florida, I was the person that they would transfer to different units that were struggling when they're charts were in disarray. Because I'm one of those by the book kind of people. And you know, they knew that when auditors came to my departments we were going to be fine. And that billing generally went up because we actually had documentation which was good on a lot of fronts. So that was one of those things that I was selected for over other people because, you know, that was my thing. And there were other positions I wasn't selected for because they needed somebody who was a little bit more or less specifics driven.

Maybe what actions are worth your energy? Sometimes we feel out of control in.

A situation and we'll take being passed over for a promotion what actions are worth your energy?

Is it worth your energy to file.

A complaint with hr? Is it worth your energy to go talk to your boss and find out why you got passed up? Is it worth your energy to sit in your office and stew about it and slam doors and kvetch and complain to everybody? What actions are worth your energy?

And in terms of death or loss.

How does this situation impact how you see the world? And how does it impact how you see yourself? Encouraging people to examine that when there's a loss, you know, what does that mean? Does it make you feel like the world is unsafe? Does it make you angry that the world is not living up to the ideal that you had set? You know, most of us have this vision of what other people are supposed to be like and, you know, holding hands and singing Kumbaya and all that stuff. And when it doesn't happen, we can get frustrated. We can get angry that other people are not conforming to our idea of what their behavior should be like and what society should be like. We can't control other people. So that goes back up to that loss of control.

1 But it's also a sense of.

Loss if something happens. And it shakes our very foundation of, of how we perceive the world, our very foundation of whether we feel safe somewhere. It can make us angry. When I was at the University of Florida, unfortunately, we had a serial killer that was running rampant for a while. And it changed our little enclave of the university from a place where you felt totally comfortable, you know, 24 hours.

A day, to a place where you.

Were on edge, to 24 hours a day and you were keeping your blinds drawn and afraid to walk to class when it was dark in the morning or at night.

And that made a lot of us not only anxious, but also frustrated and.

Angry that we weren't able to feel safe anymore.

One of the activities you can have people do, and this is a good.

Chart to have them to take home.

Have them identify their triggers for a week. What was their trigger? What is the threat to their person.

Property or self esteem?

Who's causing the anger?

Is it caused by something other people are doing? Is it caused by the internal critic telling you that you're worthless? Or is it from your conscience? What is the threat theme? Is it failure, rejection, loss of control, or just plain old loss? Why is this threatening? And what can be done to address the threat in a way that helps me live a rich and meaningful life? How is it that I can use my energy in a way that makes sense instead of Just burning through it or making the problem worse. So in this example, you get cut off in traffic. Most of us find that to be somewhat irritating. The threat was to my person and to my property. I could have been injured, I could have gotten in a car wreck and maybe to my self esteem because I feel like the person was being inconsiderate.

Who's causing the anger? Other people.

This person cut me off. What themes is it related to? Well, I was out of control because I can't control what that other person does when they drive. It was potentially related to loss, even though I didn't lose anything. You know, I could have potentially been killed. Rejection because it felt like the person was being disrespectful of me and everybody else on the road because they were driving carelessly.

Why is this threatening?

Well, the person put us in an unsafe position. It could have injured my property or my physical person, and it was disrespectful. What can be done? Be more aware of what's going on. I can't control other people's driving, but I can be more aware of other people's driving so I can stay out of their way. Avoid rush hour, because people tend to drive a little bit more crazy when they are late for work or eager to get home. And if they are a business driver, report it to their employer.

And all those other things aside, sometimes.

It'S just worth letting it go. I remember one time I was in the car with my son and he was back in his car seat and somebody cut me off and I said, you know, I was talking to them. I don't remember what I said. I wasn't cursing, but I was telling them how inconsiderate they were. And this little voice from the back of the car said, mommy, they can't hear you. And I said, well, you're right, son, they can't hear me. So staying angry and, you know, being critical of them wasn't doing any good. And I just kind of let it go. And out of the mouths, the babes kind of laughed.

Resentment is anger directed at others for things they either did or.

And shouldn't have done or didn't do and should have done.

I want people to think about the.

Impact of holding on to resentments. A lot of us hold on to resentments and it's just so draining. Resentments, well, resentments and guilt especially are like walking around with a weighted vest on all the time. It just drains our energy to hold on to this. Because every time you're reminded of the situation that anger flares back up a little bit and it takes just a little bit more of your energy.

Letting go of resentments, then when you're.

Reminded of just doesn't even phase you.

What's the impact of holding on to resentments? Emotionally, when we hold on to resentments.

Especially, you know, if we have multiple resentments at multiple people, it can keep us from being happy during the holiday season. I talk to a lot of people who are dreading going to spend time with their family because they have so many resentments that they are still holding onto and nurturing that prevent them from having a happy holiday season and prevent them from appreciating the good things that are actually in front of them. Resentment usually trumps happiness.

It rears its ugly head and goes.

You know, we need to be aware of all this stuff here.

Mentally, when we hold on to resentments.

It can put us in a more negative mind space. We start to see other people as malicious or unhelpful.

Physically holding on to resentments can tear.

Us up, it can make us age faster, it can upset our stomach, it can give us headaches, it can irritate. TMJ can trigger autoimmune issues if it ramps up that stress response impact sleep, there's a lot of things.

And some people when they are resentful.

Tend to may turn to drugs or alcohol, which are also hard on the body.

Socially holding onto resentments is tough because not only does it create a wall.

Between you and that person you are.

Resentful toward, but it also creates a wall between you and everybody else because a lot of times you are protecting yourself.

It's like, okay, I resent this person for doing this. Now I want to make sure that all of y' all don't do it too. So not only am I resentful and holding this person at arm's length, I'm being extra suspicious of other people because of what somebody else did that I am still holding on to and spiritually.

And I mean this in the most.

Vague sense, if you will, how does it affect your hope if you resent other people? It's hard to be hopeful that people are good and forward moving and all that Rogerian theory, all that humanistic theory.

It's hard to be hopeful when you're.

And resentful at the same time.

It's hard to have faith that other.

People will do the right thing if you're holding on to resentments.

It's hard to have courage or willingness.

To do things if you feel like you're Going to be let down all the time.

Many times underlying resentment is hurtful feelings.

So.

And a simple example, it doesn't have.

To be this huge resentment.

It can be as simple as you.

Invited Jane to the party and didn't invite me. So I resent you. I'm angry at you for not doing that.

Have people figure out what they resent.

And a lot of times when they start unpacking that closet that they've shoved.

All those skeletons in, they're going to realize they've got a lot of stuff.

In there that they can liberate themselves from. Make a chart with four columns, one for each threat, and identify their resentments.

Have them take 30 minutes and identify as many resentments as they can and place them in the appropriate column. Review the finished list and mark off all the resentments of things over which.

You have no control. Maybe you resent the doctor running late. Well, he ran late. You cannot control him now.

Cross off any that have no effect.

On your ability to live a rich and meaningful life. I may resent the fact that somebody got promoted to a position that I wanted, but does that prevent me from living a rich and meaningful life?

No.

So cross that off.

Explore how you can accept the things that are left and let go of.

Anger and of the ones that are left. Brainstorm ways of addressing that resentment.

If there are things that you feel.

Justified and still feeling angry for, how can you deal with that anger? So you feel safe, so you feel empowered again? Envy and jealousy can be thought of.

As anger at somebody else for having.

Something you want, going through it again. What's the impact of holding on to envy, to our emotions? We see a lot of influencers on TV. Or YouTube or wherever. And I remember back in, when I was younger, MTV was really big and they used to have all these shows on MTV about the mansions that the stars lived in and this, that and the other. And, you know, it's easy to be a little bit envious to go, wow, I'd love to live in that kind of place. Now there's awe, where it's like, wow, I'd love to live in that kind of place. And then there's envy, where you're angry at them and you're angry at the world because you don't live in that kind of place. And there's a difference. You can be in awe without having to be envious.

Mentally, when we hold on to envy, a lot of times it takes our.

Focus to that thing and, you know.

You'Re envious that somebody has A bigger.

House than you do or a nicer house than you do. So a lot of times it makes people focus on how can I fix that? How can I get whatever it is that they have that I want, which makes you not pay attention or makes you not give as much attention to the other things that are important in your life.

Physically, envy has the same effects and.

Jealousy have the same effects as just about any kind of anger. The muscle tension, the autoimmune issues, the stomach upset, yada yada.

Socially, when we're envious of other people.

It can be difficult on our own self esteem because we feel like we are less than because we don't have something and we're angry at them for having something.

Especially if you're envious of a lot.

Of people, it can start creating barriers and limiting your social circle.

And spiritually, when we're envious and jealous.

It makes it more difficult to focus on things that we can be hopeful for and have faith in because we're so focused on that thing that we want that we can't have.

When we talk about envy and jealousy.

In session a lot of times I'll ask clients, in what way would having this improve your life? How would that have help you have a richer, more meaningful life? And in what way would having that not improve your life? So let's take the big house for example. I've used this example in other classes.

Having a big house, having a gorgeous.

House is wonderful and you can entertain.

In it and there's lots of stuff you can do. But on the downside, you've got to.

Pay the property taxes on it, you've got to keep it clean, you've got.

To furnish it and you've got to.

Heat and air condition it. And I don't want to spend the money on those things.

So there are positives and negatives to everything.

You know, if you've got a 20,000 square foot house, I'm, you know, exaggerating at this point. And you've got a movie theater and a bowling alley and this and that. How much time do you actually spend in each one of those rooms? How much does each one of those rooms actually enhance your quality of life?

Many times underlying envy and jealousy are.

Feelings of low self esteem. People don't like me because I'm not as pretty as her, or I'm not as thin as her, I'm not as in shape as her. We want to help people address that. You know, why is it that people like you? Let's work on your Self esteem. Instead of worrying about her or him, let's focus on you and why people would like you. Why?

Lack of gratitude, awareness. People often feel envious and jealous when they spend more time focusing on all.

The things they don't have or all the things they will get one day instead of focusing on what they do have now. They, you know, maybe they'll get a house in the country one day, but they have a house right now. Maybe they will have a significant other and 2.4 children and a dog one day, but right now they've just got a significant other. Okay, so instead of being envious of people who have a whole mess of children, you know, they can be grateful for the significant other that's in their life at that point in time.

Lack of clarity about personal goals. If you say something like, I wish I were a CEO like that person.

Or I wish I was an influencer like that person, or whatever people want to be, what are the consequences? That would mean sacrificing other things more important to you?

I think sometimes about going back to.

Work in a, you know, community behavioral health clinic, but that would mean not being able to teach. That would mean not having as flexible a schedule. That would mean giving up things that are actually probably more important to me. In some ways we want to have people examine that. Yes, I would love to have it all, but I don't have enough hours in the day to do it all. So I have to choose.

And that helps that envy and jealousy go away.

Yes, I've seen some of my colleagues get promoted to CEOs and. And would I love to do that? Sure. But at what cost?

And envy and jealousy can be caused.

By erroneous conclusions such as, if I were rich, I would be happy, or if I were thinner or more in shape or a blonde or whatever it is, I would be happy.

And a lot of times that's not true.

We assume people are happy based on the facade that we see on the outside or we don't get the whole picture.

Helping people figure out what they envy. Have people figure out each of the. Have your clients figure out each of.

The people and things that they envy. And this can be a long list. A lot of times it starts out kind of short.

Have them look at.

In what ways does each of those things or people represent acceptance and inclusion into the in crowd, I. E. The opposite of rejection.

In what ways does each of those.

Things represent control and power, that is avoiding loss of control?

In what ways does each of those things represent success?

That is not Failure.

You see where those threats are kind.

Of coming back out again.

And in what way does each of.

Those things represent someone having something that you lost? Maybe you lost a good relationship, and they've got a great relationship, and you're envious of them. So we want to think about, have people examine where the envy is coming from. Because a lot of times it may be stemming from some of their own internal insecurities that we can help them work through.

Another question I ask clients is, why.

Might people envy you? And a lot of times they look.

At me like I'm crazy.

Nobody envies me.

And then we start talking about, well.

What'S going on in your life that's good? And let's talk about some people who have things worse off than you do right now. And they start realizing that, you know.

Maybe the grass is kind of green on this side of the fence too.

When they start identifying reasons that people might envy them, then we go through that same list. In what ways do the things that you already have represent acceptance and inclusion? You know, your friends, your family?

In what ways do the things that.

You already have represent or show that you've got control and power over certain things in your life, that you've been successful in your life, and that you've got things that are important to you? What does it mean if people don't envy you? And, you know, most people.

Will find.

That there's somebody somewhere that envies them. You know, it's just kind of the way it is.

But, you know, if by some chance.

Nobody envied you at all for anything, it could mean a sense of rejection, a loss of power or control or a feeling of failure.

A lot of us somewhere deep down.

Inside would really like people to look up to us, whether we want to call it envy or respect or whatever we want to call it. But a lot of us really want to be impactful in other people's lives. And when we don't feel that way.

Then we may start feeling.

Bad about ourselves, which can lead us to look to others who have what we think we want and get angry at them because they have something we want. I know that sounds circular, but have.

People who are dealing with envy identify three people that they respect and or.

Love but don't envy. And again, there's a difference between being in awe and being envious. And that's a really important nuance for people to understand. There was somebody that I was friends with when I was in college, and.

You know, he had a very important.

Position, and he was you know, very important, very famous, had a very big house and, you know, he was very well known in the community. You know, just lots of varies that went along with him.

And he had a.

Life worth respecting. I mean, he was a very respectable.

Person and, you know, great family and.

All that kind of stuff. But I didn't envy him, you know, I wouldn't want his life, you know, because there were also. I saw the stresses that went along with it, but it was worth respecting. There are a lot of people in my life that I respect, but I don't envy. I'm not angry at them for what they have. I'm actually, you know, really happy that they've been so successful.

Is it possible to respect or love.

Someone and not want to be like them or have what they have?

This is one of those, you know, let people mull on this for a.

Little bit, but it can be a good thing for discussion a lot of.

Times with these philosophical questions.

I will end a group with it and then we will start the next group. You know, you had time to think about that question I asked at the end of the last group. Let's talk about it now.

Guilt and regret are anger directed at yourself for things that either you either.

Did and shouldn't have or didn't do and should have.

It represents your mind's way of identifying.

A threat and getting you to do something. A lot of us want to hold on to guilt for some reason. We've been taught that that's what we're supposed to do. In what ways does holding on to guilt and regret, in what ways is that an effective response to a threat? Holding on to this guilt that I did something wrong, how is that an effective response? How does that fix anything? I can't fix what I did, what I feel guilty about. I can make amends for it, but I can't change the past. I can avoid doing it in the future. I can learn from it, but holding onto that guilt just drains my energy.

And how does holding on to guilt.

And regret prevent you from effectively responding to the threat?

Some people are so hell bent on.

Holding on to that guilt and not forgiving themselves that it keeps them from doing anything to address it because they feel guilty if they don't feel guilty. And you know, that's one of those.

Things that we need to help people.

Work through to help them liberate themselves. You know, what good does it do to keep lashing yourself for something you did 20 years ago?

Have people take 30 minutes and identify as many regrets as they can review the finished list and mark off all.

Guilt and regret over which they had no control. They may have guilt because their house was destroyed in a fire. Well, they had no control over that.

Now cross off any that have no effect on your ability to live a.

Rich and meaningful life.

I didn't take my parents advice when.

I was going through undergraduate, so, you know, med school was quickly out of my picture. I didn't take their advice.

Did I feel guilty about it?

Did I regret not taking their advice? Yeah. However, it didn't keep me from living a rich and meaningful life. I found another career that probably suited me better.

Explore how you can accept those things.

That you marked off, the things you didn't have control over and that you just really don't have an impact on you having a good life. And figure out how to let go of that anger at yourself and then anything that's left. Brainstorm ways of addressing those resentments or guilt triggers. Consider addressing one each day. I have people take what's left on that list and put one on each. Put one on an index card. So they have, if they have 30 regrets, they have 30 index cards. They draw an index card out every day and they work on addressing that issue that day.

Forgiveness is a power move. Forgiveness allows you to choose to stop giving your power to something or someone.

Else and to stop letting it make you angry. You can choose to let something go.

Forgiveness doesn't mean it was okay.

It means accepting reality as it is, choosing to learn from the experience and use your energy for things that are more meaningful.

Anger exists on a continuum. It's a response to a real or a perceived threat designed to get you.

To do something that's that fight or flight response. Your HPA axis is going, there's a threat. We want to survive. You got to do something. Okay, cool beans. Thanks for helping me survive, brain. Now let me figure out if it's.

Really something to worry about.

Not think about the fire alarm. You know, we just went through Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it's likely that at some point during those holidays, the smoke alarm went off because somebody burned something. Does that mean when the smoke alarm goes off, does that always mean that there's a fire and there's danger? Not necessarily. You know, sometimes it could just mean that a little bit of something dripped down onto the, onto the burners and caused a lot of smoke. The smoke causing the fire alarm to go off is the perceived threat. A fire obviously is a real threat, but all the fire alarm knows is there's smoke so there might be a fire. Let's check it out.

The intensity of the response often represents the level of the threat. Many times threats are perceived based on prior learning experiences and that trigger memories.

Or critical self talk. Something happens and you're like, oh, here we go again. This person is going to behave the way these other people did. So I'm just going to start getting mad now because I know exactly what they're thinking and I know exactly what they're going to do next. In reality, there's no way we can know what somebody is thinking and there's no way that we can know exactly what they're going to do next. That's that False expectations and Mind Reading.

By knowing what is important and meaningful in your life, you can more effectively.

Identify what things actually present a threat and respond more effectively.

What's important in my life may not.

Be the same thing that's important in your life. What is would make me angry may not make you angry, and it's important to recognize that that's true. We all have different anger triggers.

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