Conflict Resolution and Communicating Without Violence

Hey there everybody, and welcome to today's episode on conflict communicating without violence. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellyce Snipes. In this episode we're going to define violent communication and identify strategies to become more aware of situations that trigger violent communication. Then we'll finish by identifying and rehearsing some skills for for communicating non violently. Everybody wants to feel safe, loved and respected. It's just the way we're wired. When people don't feel this way, they drop into fight or flight mode and often become aggressive and or even violent in their communication. It doesn't mean that they become physically violent, but they may become defensive or aggressive or attacking. And that generally promotes aggression, defensiveness and attacking from the other person. And instead of improving the situation, things just continue to get worse. It's important to remember that all behavior is communication. If a child starts throwing a temper tantrum, they're trying to communicate something that they don't have the words for. When we do something, we are communicating a need that we have. Evaluating behavior from the perspective of it's communicating something will tell us a little bit more about what that person's going through. Violent communication often tells us that the other person feels threatened for some reason. They feel afraid and or angry. Violent communication often violates another person's boundaries. Physical boundaries include being in someone's personal space or making excessive eye contact. I think we've all been in a situation before where we've irritated somebody and they've just glared at us and it feels very uncomfortable, it feels very threatening. When people's physical boundaries are violated, it is violent because they feel physically unsafe, they feel threatened. Affective boundaries include telling somebody how they should feel and that basically communicates to them. It violates their boundaries and tells them the way you're feeling is not right, it's not okay, it's not acceptable, acceptable. So you are not going to get support at best and at worst you may experience rejection that feels very threatening and scary. Cognitively telling others how they should think, taking ownership of their ideas, such as they tell you something and you take that idea and you run to your boss and go, hey, I have this wonderful idea. So you just betrayed them, you took their idea, you violated their cognitive boundaries so they can't trust you. And gaslighting is another violation of cognitive boundaries. When people are gaslighted, it means that somebody is trying to convince them that they're crazy. They're trying to convince them that they didn't see something or what they think they know is really not accurate. I Have a whole video on gaslighting on the YouTube channel. But suffice it to say, when our cognitive boundaries are violated, it also feels very threatening because we start questioning, you know, is this right? Am I going crazy? Do I actually have this knowledge? So it makes us feel insecure, which scary environmentally, you know, that's pretty straightforward. When people's environmental boundaries are violated, it means that others are not respecting their stuff. They're going into their, they're reading their diaries, going into their drawers, taking their clothes, whatever it is. Again, it makes the person feel unsafe because they don't have any privacy. They can't guarantee that they're still stuff is safe. And relational boundaries can be violated. If you tell someone who they can associate with, or if you violate a confidence, or if you even assault somebody's self esteem. If you start being highly critical or mean to somebody, that is violent communication, it is assaulting their relationship with themselves, their self esteem, or it is telling them who they can associate with, which may make them feel isolated and again, scared. When we're talking about violent communication, it's important to know your triggers. We all have triggers. We all have things that can make us feel angry or anxious. Knowing yours means that you can be more aware of when you might be triggered. So you don't react out of anger or anxiety. You don't react on autopilot violently. Instead you're able to observe, describe the situation to yourself, and actively improve the next moment. I've distilled a lot of the topics or issues that trigger people into abcd, abandonment, boundary violations, control. When somebody's taking away your control and disrespect, those are pretty self explanatory. So think about what your anger triggers are. Think about what makes you feel defensive or respond defensively and try to figure out which of those categories it fits in. Think about three situations for each trigger for anger or anxiety in you. So three situations that trigger abandonment anxiety or abandonment anger, or even abandonment and rejection kind of go hand in hand. Three situations that trigger fear or anger because of boundary violations. Get to know yourself. Think back over times when your violent communication has been triggered. So then when we get to communicating without violence, you can replay those situations in your mind and think, okay, how could I have gone about this discussion differently and would it have had a different outcome? The first step in communicating nonviolently is mindfulness. You need to be aware. If you're triggered, you need to know that you need to be aware of your thoughts, feelings and needs in the present situation. And in the current context, a lot of times we are basing our emotional reactions on prior experiences that we've had and we're assuming that this one is going to be the exact same. Unfortunately, a lot of times that's not accurate and we may create distress where none needed to be. I give the example of getting a refund at customer service. I've been a customer service rep and I have been on the other side trying to return something. So I can kind of see both sides of it. A lot of times when you're getting ready to go in to try to get a refund, for example, if you've had bad experiences or difficulty returning things in the past, you, you may dread it. You may expect that it's going to be a hassle, you may expect that the person is going to be rude. You go in there with this mindset expecting to respond to a certain situation, which often means you're going to look for clues and you're going to create almost a self fulfilling prophecy. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is important, but the present context is also important. Saying, okay, I've had bad experiences in the past, however, today's a different day. Maybe I'll get a different customer service rep. Maybe I've never returned something at this store before, who knows? But it's important to recognize the impact of the current context. Again, recognize the influence of past situations on your perception of this one. If you're expecting difficulty, then recognize that. But also recognize that just because you've had difficulty in the past doesn't mean you will this time recognize what's being communicated by the other person through their behaviors and words. And this is important both before you go into the situation and when you're in the situation. A lot of times when you're getting ready to have a discussion with somebody, it's somebody that you know, or you might be able to anticipate what they might be thinking or needing. You know, when you meet somebody on a blind date, you have an idea potentially of the fact that they may also be anxious. Customer service. A lot of times it's important to recognize that this person is just trying to do their job and follow the rules. They're not trying to be difficult. They are, you know, they need their job, they're trying to do the right thing. A lot of times, however, just like you perceive it to be probably going to be a difficult situation, they also have often grown to expect or perceive hostility in others. It's important to recognize they may not be responding to you. If they're responding with hostility. They may be responding based on their expectations of how you are going to act or respond. I find when I deal with cashiers, customer service, anybody who regularly encounters hostility. If you open the interaction by being human, it often diffuses a lot. If you can just ask somebody, you know, hey, how's your day going? Or oh my gosh, it's raining like cats and dogs out there. You know, start out by identifying, communicating to them that you realize that they're a person, they're human, they've got feelings, and a lot of times that can go a long way to defusing the situation because they see that you are not approaching them as a threat. Once you've reconciled reality, you recognize what your thoughts are, you recognize what you do and do not know in the current situation, and you recognize what the other person may or may not be going through. You know, you've kind of anticipating what you're getting ready to go into, then it's time to move forward. Identify ways to achieve the needed resolution. Once you enter into that conversation, how can you tell them what you need in a non violent way for the speaker? Pick a safe place. It is not a good idea to have a difficult communication with somebody in a place where there's an audience. If you are scolding your child, you don't want to do that ideally in front of the whole family because that adds to their feelings of threat and humiliation. If you're scolding your teammate or your subordinate, you don't want to do it in the middle of the staff meeting or in the hallway at work. You want to pick a safe place where you can have a conversation and that person isn't going to feel humiliated or threatened. Pick an appropriate time. Not when the person first walks in the door. When whether it's walks in the door to work in the morning or somebody walks into the door after a long day of work at home. You know, you don't want to assault them with done me wrongs or problems the minute they walk in the door. You don't want to assault them with those things when they're exhausted, when they're under the influence, you know, so it's important to pick an appropriate time where that person's going to be able to effectively hear what, what you're saying. Tell the person you appreciate their time and empathize with them. You know, say something like, I know that whenever I hear we need to talk, I get anxious and it stresses me out. And this isn't a comfortable conversation to Have. However, I think it's important that we talk about this before it gets worse. However you want to say it, but empathizing that you recognize that the person's probably uncomfortable. Objectively describe one problem at a time using I statements. No blaming. Say something like I feel angry, upset, disrespected. When this happens, you're stating how you feel when something happens. You're not blaming. Anytime you feel like you're verbally pointing the finger at somebody, it's important to recognize that that is violent, that is accusatory, threatening. You don't like anybody wagging their finger at you. You don't want to do it even verbally at somebody else. So you want to own your part, recognize your part, say it in as helpful, kind and inspirational of a way as possible. You don't want to walk up to somebody and say, you are a lazy piece of crap and you suck. Obviously that's not helpful, kind or inspirational or even objective. You want to start out with presenting it as a concern that you have and that you want to help with. You want to use the carrot, not the stick as we say. You don't want to threaten somebody that you're going to break up with them or they're going to lose their job or whatever else you want to inspire them to want to change. You know, what can we do so you can get back on track? How can I help you? That's very different than if you don't straighten up. I'm going to put you on a performance plan and you may lose your job. You know, one's fear based one is more inspirational. Try to avoid extreme words like saying, you always, always do this or you never get your paperwork in on time. Think of examples when that person has done it and avoid those extreme words. Because as soon as you use an extreme word, the person is going to start trying to think of exceptions themselves. As soon as you say you never do this, you know that's wagging your finger at them, but it's also encouraging them to get defensive and go, that's not true. Six months ago on a Tuesday, I did or didn't do it. And don't expect mind reading. Don't expect them to understand or know what you're thinking or what you're perceiving. Again, this is why we use objective language. Instead of saying, you're such a slob. You know, that means different things to different people. Saying, I feel stressed out when there is stuff on every flat surface in your room, or I perceive your room to be Clean when all of these things have happened. So you're giving them very objective goals to reach so they know what it means to have a clean room. Create a win win. When this issue is addressed, it will benefit us both because you know, it's always better. A carrot is involved in creating a win win. How does this benefit that person? Identify the needed resolution and ways to achieve it. Provide options when appropriate. So we could do X, we could do Y, we could do Z. You know, these are my ideas and then solicit the other person's input. What do you think about this? Or do you have other ideas for how to solve this problem? If either person starts to get too emotional or agitated, it's essential that you empathize and agree to take a time limited break. You can say something like, I notice that you seem to be getting really stressed out. I think we need to take a 10 minute break. Then we can get back together and start discussing this again when we're both in a clearer frame of mind. If somebody is communicating, if you're in a communication with someone and they start to get upset and walk away, don't follow them saying, don't walk away from me. That is violating their boundaries. They are trying. Their behavior is saying, I feel unsafe, I feel threatened, I need to get to safety. It's important to allow them to regain their sense of safety. In terms of the listener. When the other person is talking, listen with your eyes, your ears and your heart. What needs thoughts and feelings is this person communicating? Right now you're trying to listen to hear these things, not to respond. So when they're talking, don't be formulating your answer because then you're not listening to hear, you're listening to respond. Listen to hear and try to understand their point of view. Be curious about it. Don't interrupt unless you need to ask them to repeat something. Maybe you didn't understand something, but don't interrupt to put your own 2 cents worth in. When the person is done speaking, paraphrase their thoughts, needs and feelings. This allows them to know that you actually listened, you actually hear. It doesn't mean you agree with what they said. It means you are summarizing what they said and it makes them feel important. It makes them feel heard. If you summarize what they said, it also gives them the ability to correct anything that you misunderstood. You know, we sometimes have misunderstandings and that's okay. Once you both agree on what the speaker has said and that both of you are on the same page with understanding what the Issue is then the listener becomes the speaker. So let's try it. In an example, Sam's boyfriend often runs late without texting and cancels plans at the last minute. Sam feels very disrespected and believes that Chris is being rude. In the past when people have done this to Sam, it's been an indication that their relationship was failing or that person didn't. Respect considers the possibility that Kris's new job might be overwhelming or Chris might just suck. At time management, Sam needs Kris to be more respectful by being more punctual and prioritizing their plans. So this is the mindfulness aspect. Sam identifies her feelings about what's going on and identifies possible other reasons other than her expectations for why it might be going on and also identifies what the needed solution is. Sam picks a safe place, her apartment, an appropriate time Saturday after lunch. So blood sugar's up. It's not first thing in the morning, you know, it's a pretty safe, benign time. Sam says, I really enjoy spending time with you and know you've been dealing with a lot trying to adjust to your new job. However, I also have noticed that I've started feeling increasingly resentful when you consistently run 20 minutes late or cancel our plans at the last minute. I really don't like feeling this way and it would help me feel more respected and I think we'd have a lot more fun together if these things weren't happening. What can I do to help you be more punctual and would it help if we made fewer plans so you had more time to focus on your job? Chris responds and doesn't directly paraphrase, but acknowledges that he's been kind of flighty lately. He has been running late and canceling a lot of plans. Chris responds, I recognize I've been kind of flighty lately and I can see how that would hurt your feelings. It's a pretty good summary of what Sam said. I know you're busy too and I have always been bad at time management. That was something that Sam suspected. I will set a push notification on my phone to remind me to get ready earlier and I agree right now it would be helpful if we only made plans on Saturday and Sunday because I just don't ever know what's going to happen at work. Seems like they created a win win there. Another example, I'm irritated because Joe is not getting his paperwork turned in on time and his work with his patients has been deteriorating. Joe has worked for me for years without a problem and this has only recently started to Happen Based on my experiences with Joe, my expectations of Joe. This is, you know, out of left field, so I'm wondering what's going on. It's likely that Joe didn't suddenly become lazy and that there's something else going on. As his supervisor, I need to understand what is causing his performance problems and help him get his paperwork in on time and see all of his patients as skills schedule. This, again, is the mindfulness place. I identify what's going on, what my perceptions and expectations and beliefs are about what might be going on. I reconcile with reality, you know, likely Joe didn't suddenly become lazy. And then I identify what the needed solutions are. So I pick a safe place. My office time Tuesday morning. In behavioral health, Monday mornings are really hectic. So Tuesday mornings are generally a lot more relaxed and laid back. Joe comes to my office. I say, joe, I appreciate you taking a minute to meet with me. I get the sense that you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed or burned out. Lately. I've noticed that your paperwork for the last two weeks has not been turned in. And I have gotten complaints from some of your clients that their sessions have been cut short. We've worked together for five years now, and this is not like you. For us to pass our audits and stay open, I need you to be seeing all of your clients and getting documentation in by close of business on Friday. I'm wondering what changed and what I can do to help you get back on track. So in this, I've identified, I've empathized, I've expressed appreciation, I've put it out there as hopefully and inspirationally as possible that I know, you know, Joe is a really good worker, and this is an anomaly. And then I've offered to try to help improve the situation. And I've pointed out that if the situation is improved, then we can pass our audits and stay open. It makes things go a lot more effectively. So Joe says. I recognize that not getting my paperwork in on time is a problem. I thought I'd been seeing all my clients, though. I just end the session when it seems like there's nothing left to discuss. I will start doing my notes at the end of each session with the client to make sure that they feel like they get a complete session and everything has been completed and they feel satisfied. Great. So Joe recognizes that, yeah, I know that there is a problem and picks up on the fact that the clients are getting upset with him and identifies a way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I know that's kind of violent, but by doing notes with the client at the end of each session, I respond. That's an awesome solution that will not only keep you caught up with your paperwork, but it will also ensure that each client feels that they got all of their allotted time. Is there anything else I can do to help you enjoy your work here more? If Joe is starting to get burned out, I may need to try to figure out ways to help him enhance motivation. So I throw that out there. There may not be right now, but it also leaves the door open so Joe can come back if he feels necessary and say, you know what, I'm going to take you up on that offer. It would help if you would do Violent communication makes people feel threatened, which results in defensiveness. Violent communication violates people's physical, emotional, cognitive, environmental and relationship boundaries. Communicating without violence helps people feel heard and respected and helps keep them in their wise or listening mind instead of being in fight or flight mode or where they are reacting from a place of threat. This episode was produced by Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnelly Snipes. They can be contacted at 1633 West Main Street, Suite 902, Lebanon, Tennessee 37087 or by email at supportocsnipes.com More Tools for Living a mentally and physically healthy life can be found@docsnipes.com YouTube that's docsnipes.com YouTube.