Coping With Abandonment Anxiety: Healing Strategies

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this short video on Nine Tips for Abandonment Anxiety Relief. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. There are a lot of things that can cause abandonment anxiety and way more than we can go into in this particular video. But I was asked to give a few quick tips that people might be able to start using. So here you go. First, recognize that abandonment anxiety may occur when you've been rejected by someone you love and trusted. It doesn't have to be something that started when you were a child or with your primary caregiver. Abandonment can happen at any time and it can be devastating. Secure attachment is the opposite of insecurity and fear of abandonment. So basically, one of the things that you want to strive for to address abandonment anxiety is learning how to develop secure attachments. It's possible that you have abandoned and or rejected yourself and that may contribute to abandonment anxiety because you expect others to do to you as you've already done to yourself. To start to learn what a healthy relationship feels like, develop a secure attachment with yourself. Start there cons. Be consistent with yourself. Check in. Be mindful. Be responsive to yourself. When you notice that you have a thought, want or need, attend to it. Pay attention to yourself. Be loving. Give yourself positive reinforcement. Do things that are kind and compassionate for yourself, not just stuff that has to be done or not just stuff that is corrective. Validate and accept yourself for who you are in the moment. Encourage yourself. Be your own best cheerleader and finally, support and forgive yourself. Support yourself even when you fail. Support yourself when you're getting ready to do something that may be anxiety provoking you. You know, provide support for yourself and be forgiving when you don't get something perfect. When you don't do what you had hoped you would do. You can still be supportive when secure attachments are developed. That supportive home base is so essential because that's where the child can come back to when they have gone out of their comfort zone and had a bad experience. They can come back to that supportive, safe, life loving environment. Some journal prompts what are some similarities between relationships that you've had that have gone badly? How can you avoid or address these pitfalls in the future? If you've had good relationships, how are they different from the bad ones? Other things that you can do include accepting that anxiety is a natural experience. Experience to vulnerability all of us feel a certain amount of anxiety and a little bit of abandonment anxiety when we become vulnerable to another person. Anxiety itself is not a bad thing. It's your brain Telling you, hey, this is a vulnerable territory. You better check and make sure that you've got all your proverbial ducks in a row. Anxiety tells you to check and make sure there's no threat. It doesn't mean that there is a threat. It's the smoke alarm, if you will, of the fight or flight response system. Eliminate mind reading, catastrophic and all or nothing thinking. A lot of times abandonment anxiety can be caused when we, quote, know what another person is thinking. Well, we don't know what they're thinking. You know, to the best of my knowledge, we haven't developed the capacity to actually read other people's minds. We may infer a lot from their non verbals or from their behaviors or even things they say. But it's important to eliminate mind reading because a lot of times we project our expectations onto someone else's thoughts. We assume that what we expect is what they're thinking. Catastrophic thinking may cause us abandonment anxiety because we fear, oh, we made a mistake, this person's going to hate me, they're going to leave me and I'll be alone forever. Well, yeah, that's going to cause you to feel anxiety if you, you know, go to that catastrophic end. So you want to look at the facts in the situation and the probability, you know, based on whatever happened. What is the likelihood that it's going to have a catastrophic end? What are alternate endings that are more probable that could happen? And all or nothing thinking is assuming that somebody either loves you or hates you. And it's important to differentiate between extreme thinking patterns. It's important to communicate effectively. Say what you want, say what you mean, when, when you mean it, and tell people how you're feeling. Don't expect others to read your mind either. Just like you can't read their mind, they can't read yours. So if they're not meeting your needs, it may not be because they're getting ready to abandon you. It may be because they don't know what your needs are. So it's important to communicate effectively. Differentiate between rejecting behaviors and rejecting a person. Just because somebody provides constructive feedback about a behavior you have doesn't mean they're rejecting you. It may be something you did that they don't like or they resent and we all make mistakes. It, it happens. So it's important to separate. They're not rejecting you as a person. They just don't like what you did. And they are communicating that to be authentic. Continuously evaluate the accuracy of your thoughts in context. So what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling right now, how accurate at is that with this person in this context at this time? Maybe you were in a relationship with somebody three years ago and they started to withdraw and get grumpy, and they were tired all the time and stopped paying as much attention to you, and then they. They abandoned you. They left. Okay, that's devastating. You're in a similar situation in this current relationship. Your partner starts becoming withdrawn and grumpy and irritable and just exhausted all the time. Well, you know, part of you may assume that you're going down that same path, but it's important to evaluate with this person at this time what else might be causing that person to be withdrawn and cranky and irritable. Are they going through something at work, or are they going through something with family members or something that could be causing that behavior? What else could it be besides. You basically identify and address your abandonment triggers. Know what things that you feel, hear, see, make you think that, oh, my, this person is rejecting me or getting ready to abandon me. And then figure out how to address them. Remember, you know, part of it comes from processing the trauma in your past when that trigger was formed, but also part of it comes from being mindful in the present about that trigger in the present. Is that trigger threatening, or is that trigger just, you know, whatever that person's doing, is that just very benign? It can be very different in different circumstances. Explore what you need in a relationship to feel safe. What does a safe relationship look like? And finally, create and maintain healthy boundaries with reciprocal adjustments. It's important in relationships that there's a give and take. And sometimes people who fear abandonment will get into relationships and they're like, okay, I don't want to be vulnerable to you and put a whole lot of time in this just to have you leave. So the minute we meet, I'm just going to put all my stuff on the table. And I mean everything. And that can be really overwhelming to other people. It's important to give a little bit of yourself, let the other person give a little bit of themselves. You each is kind of like walking up, walking up a wall together. You each go a little bit at a time, so you each give a little bit, become a little bit vulnerable. You both have a horse in the race, so to speak. When you make reciprocal adjustments and you maintain those healthy boundaries, you don't put everything out there automatically right away, but. But likewise, you don't have a wall that's 6ft tall and 20ft tall and 6ft thick around your heart the entire time either. Some journaling prompts what does trust mean to you? If you trusted somebody, what would that look like? What do you need in a relationship to feel safe? And in what ways does low self esteem prevent you from believing that people value you more in depth Resources can be found in this playlist on addressing abandonment@allce.com abandonment videos.