Creating Secure Attachment Part 3: Attention

Hey there everybody, and welcome to today's presentation of attachment and mental health. This is part three. Today we are going to be talking about responsiveness and attention. Remember we started talking the other day about attachment and how there are multiple components to a healthy attached relationship. And I use the mnemonic device craves, consistency, responsiveness, attack, attention, validation, encouragement and support. And we talked yesterday about consistency, being there for others and find, identifying people who are there for you. We also talked about being there for yourself, being mindful of what you need in the moment and being consistent in your attention, attention and care for yourself. Today we're going to talk about responsiveness. Responsiveness is different from consistency. Consistency means you show up. Responsiveness is what you do when you show up, how you respond when someone is in need. And responsiveness communicates safety and support. If a child is having a bad day, is struggling, something's wrong, they're in distress of some sort, and their caregiver attends to them. Cons is consistent. They, they show up and they say okay, then what they do when they show up is going to be really important. Helping somebody cope through challenging times is a sign of responsiveness. So with that child, when they are responsive to the child's needs, they acknowledge that the child is in distress. That helps the child feel safe. They know that that caregiver is there and is going to help them through this challenging time. When people are responsive, it communicates respect. It helps us understand that we deserve love and, and we what we deserve, how we deserve to treat ourselves. And one of the things with responsiveness is not doing what we think needs to happen, but being responsive to the needs of that person in that moment at that time. So what a child needs is going to be different than what an adult needs at that point in time. So responsiveness is responding in a way that's appropriate to that person and situation. And when we are consistent and responsive, it communicates the message that we are lovable, we are deserving of other people's time, attention, care, support. So what does responsiveness look like? Well, listening with your head and your heart. And I said earlier that kind of goes along with respect. When somebody is in distress, when somebody is interacting with us, being responsive, even if they're not in distress, if they're having a good day, being responsive means listening to what they hear and listening from your heart, listening for what they might be saying that they need so that you can ask them about it. It's not half listening and half paying attention to the tv. It's not Half listening and half trying to formulate what your response is before the person's finished talking. It's complete listening with your head and your heart, trying to understand what they're saying and what they're feeling. Responsiveness also means using love languages to say I love you and I'm here and quality time. Words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts are and, and touch. I forgot to put touch. Oh, I skipped over it. Touch are, are the love languages that we communicate in. Not everybody communicates in the same love languages. So if you want to say to someone, I love you and I'm here for you, what works best? How can you communicate to them in their love language if they are sick from, for example, what is it that communicates to them that you love them and you're supportive and you're there? And for some people, it's quality time. You know, they just want you to sit next to them and watch TV with them while they. Not all over the place. For other people, it's acts of service. If you make them meals, you. If you bring them their, their food so they don't have to get out of bed or something, that can be how you communicate it. But it's important to recognize how that person receives love in order to best communicate that message that I love you and I'm here. Scaffolding is another way that we can be responsive. Now with children, we talk a lot about scaffolding. And what scaffolding is, is basically being along, being there for somebody, but letting them do as much as they can on their own. And, and then when they get stuck, helping them further along. So I, I usually use the example of when I was teaching my son to tie his. Tie his shoes. You know, we started out, I showed him how to do it. And you know, obviously the first time I showed him, he probably didn't remember. So I said, okay, let's break this down into small, small steps. And I had him cross the two laces and pull that. So that was step one. And then I did the rest afterwards. The next time he put on his shoes, I said, okay, what's the first step? And he remembered that one. And I said, okay, what's the second step? And that. I think he did remember that he needed to make the bow, he needed to make the bunny ear. But then he got a little confused, so I picked up from there. Scaffolding is really just being there, being that support to help people move forward. But we want to empower them as much as possible. When a child is experiencing distress. For example, they may come running to you and they're crying and they're all upset. And for small children, one of the first things that we can do is help them start developing that emotional vocabulary so they can label, so they can identify the emotion or the problem that's going on when we get older. Hopefully we've already developed this skill. But for young children, it's important to help them start at the beginning and identify what's going on. As they get older, they'll be able to come to you and say, I'm so angry because or I'm so happy because. But until they're able to do that, we want to make sure that we prompt them to start at the beginning. Then we can help them identify distress tolerance skills that may be helpful with children. We're probably going to teach those as they get older. They're going to have some of those skills in their toolbox and we may ask them what skill, what strategy might help you calm down or deal with this problem best at this point in time. And then we can move on to problem solving. You know, once they have down regulated and they're in their wise mind, as Linehan would say, we can ask them, okay, you know, let's talk about what the problem is or what the issue is, if there is one, and how can you best solve that problem. So first is identifying the emotions, then is figuring out how to re regulate the so they can get into their wise mind. And then third is identifying the problem. So that would be scaffolding with the child and that demonstrates responsiveness to them. We are meeting them where they're at and that is what is so important. We don't want to tell them how to do it necessarily. You know, we really want to coach them as much as possible to help them feel empowered. If you're doing scaffolding with an adult, you may identify, you know, the person's in emotional distress and they come to you. Generally with an adult, you don't have to ask them, you know, what do you, what are you feeling? What's going on? They come to you and they say, oh, I am so over it or I'm so angry. And for some people, if they are caught up in that whirlwind of distress, they may just feel, feel sort of out of control at that moment. So it could be helpful for some people to ask them, you know, what would help you feel better right now? For others, it may be important to just suggest something. I know sometimes, you know, when my mother was Ill. I would get so overwhelmed with my own emotions, I couldn't even think about what would help me feel better for the moment. And my husband was there and he, and he would be like, we need to go out and go for a walk. You, you need to get a break for a moment. And he was right. You know, we've been together for 24 years. He knows a lot of my distress tolerance activities that work. So with scaffolding, first you want to start by asking what would help you feel better. But if the person can't come up with something, then reflecting on what has worked for them in the past that you know of and maybe suggesting that once they're down regulated, then start asking them to identify ways they can solve the problem. Most adults are very adept at solving their own problem, so we don't need to do it for them. But it's important to help them sometimes when they're caught up in that whirlwind of emotion, help them get regrounded so they can see with clearer eyes exactly what the problem is and make a more logical decision in their wise mind. Responsiveness means also engaging. Not just showing up, but engaging with people when they're with us. You know, not just sitting down with your kid while he's playing cars on the floor and watching television or playing on your, on your tablet, but actually putting the tablet down and engaging with that child or with that person, whatever you're doing, paraphrasing what's going on, asking them how they feel, actually interacting and being truly interested. And that's what part of what responsiveness is about is actually being interested in, in what's going on with the other person. And when we're in responsive relationships, people are interested in what's going on with us and that moves into attention a little bit in a minute. But we do want to note that. And I found a. It can be helpful to remember responsiveness with the ABCs. Avoid becoming complacent. Think about interactions you've had with friends, with family, whatever the case may be. And we just assumed, you know, let so and so be and they'll cope with it. And that didn't end up working so well or it ended ended up creating a wedge between you because you didn't offer help, you weren't responding responsive when they needed you to be there. So we do need to avoid becoming complacent in our relationships. We want to avoid getting into the habit of interacting or being present with people, you know, sitting in the same room, what have you and not Engaging, not being responsive to them, being in our own little world. Mobile devices are horrible for that because they encourage complacency and detachment. So think about how can you be responsive with yourself? We talked yesterday about consistency, being consistently present and aware of your thoughts, wants and needs. Well, once you're aware of them, responsiveness means doing something about them. So how can you be responsive to yourself to help you meet your own thoughts, wants and needs? Who is responsive in your life? When you have a problem, they not only notice or identify or hear that you've got a problem, but they're also responsive to you. You call them up and you say, oh, this horrible thing happened. And they actually say, oh, wow, tell me about that, or how do you feel about that? Instead of oh, sucks to be you. The last one obviously is not responsive. That is just sort of a passive reaction. So who is responsive in your life? When you interact with them, they actually interact back. When you need something, not only are they there, but they actually respond and try to help you. And how can you improve the responsiveness in your relationships? As I mentioned yesterday, we all can work a little bit on consistency, being more consistent with ourselves as well as being consistent in our relationships with other people. How can you be more responsive to yourself, to your thoughts, wants and needs, once you know what they are? And how can you be more responsive in your relationships with others? Think about the quality of the relationships that you have right now. How could you be more responsive with your friends? And you may choose one or two relationships that you want to focus on being more responsive in. And as you do that, notice the changes that may occur in those relationships as you become more nurturing and responsive. And attention. You know, along with responsiveness, when you're responsive, you're giving attention. But attention can also be proactive. Responsiveness is reactive. Attention is proactive. And attention is so important because it communicates. I want to spend time with you. I think you're important. I think you deserve care. Now again, think about giving yourself attention. A lot of times we don't do that. We feel guilty if we give ourselves permission to take a vacation, if we give ourselves permission to go to the spa or whatever it is that you like to do. But it's important to recognize that relaxation and restoration is really important. So what does it look like? Not just to react to your urgent needs, but to do nice things for yourself, to give yourself attention, to use your own love languages in a way to communicate to yourself that you know what you are worthy and you are enough and you deserve to be treated well. Attention looks different for different people. And again, we go back to those love languages, touch. And, you know, for touch, that may mean going and getting a massage or going and getting a little foot massager thing that you can use at the house or something. But touch can be important acts of service. You know, what can you do for yourself that is nice? What kind of act of service can you do? You know, maybe instead of cleaning the house, you call to get a maid service to come in and clean. You know, I don't know what works for you. Quality time. And this is. This one's easy. Spending quality time with yourself, paying attention to what you want and enjoying the moment, just being with yourself. Gifts. You know, you can give yourself gifts too, if that's your love language. So you see where I'm going with this? So attention is important to give to yourself because you're modeling how you expect, how you want other people to treat you, but you're also doing it so you're not waiting and twiddling your thumbs and hoping somebody will treat you the way you want to be treated. Well, gosh darn it, get out in front of it and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. And then think about those people that are important in your life. How can you use their love language to proactively give them attention? And this can be, you know, from a supervisor to a supervisee or from a friend to a friend. I remember when I did have a staff making sure that I noticed and I gave attention to my staff proactively. So the. So they didn't feel like the only time I showed up was when I had a problem. It was important for me to notice when they were doing positive things. It was important for me to use their. And. And back then we didn't know love languages. That book hadn't come out yet. But to communicate with them in a way that was meaningful, to let them know that I appreciated them and that they were, you know, doing an awesome job. So that was really important for me to do as a supervisor. Now, obviously, touch is not one of those things that you use as a supervisor, but words of affirmation and acts of service and, you know, quality time, all of those things can potentially be used by a supervisor to show appreciation for supervisees and for clients. It's also important to use to know people's temperament. Attention is great, but you need to do it in a way that's meaningful to them. And I'll give you the example. When my husband was Retiring, he's an introvert. And I'll start out by saying that he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. So my idea of celebrating and showing him how awesome, how proud I was that he was retiring and you know, to help him celebrate and you know, to try to make this the best moment possible, I planned a party and I planned, you know, it was a decent sized party. Well, what I didn't really take into account was that was what I wanted. When I celebrate things, I want to party. I like having people around. I love large gatherings. It's fun. I draw energy. That's not what an introvert wants. So when we're giving attention, we need to consider them as individuals. He would have much preferred to go out on a double date. You know, me, him and his best friend and his best friend's wife would have been much less stressful and much more enjoyable for him. You know, live and learn. But it is important to recognize, and I do have videos on the YouTube channel about the differences between introverts and extroverts and, you know, how to make differences in temperament work in relationships. But when you're proactively giving attention, it's important to ask yourself, is what I'm getting ready to do something this person would enjoy or is it something that I would want? And that is a crucial difference. So with attachment, what we're talking about in this series is really focusing on ways that we can improve our attachment in our relationships. It's. And what we can do in order to feel happier and healthier. And part of that is developing a secure attachment with ourselves. Some people will talk about it as reparenting. Some people will talk about it as forming an attachment relationship with your inner child. Whatever you want to say. But remember, attachment is characterized by consistency, responsiveness, attention, the proactive kind, validation, encouragement and support. So we will get to those last ones in the next two days. Are there any questions about attachment or relationship skills or how this impacts mental health? Okay, well, remember that on Mondays I do the question and answer show. So if you have questions about mental health or relationships or you know, anything that's tangentially related to what we talk about here, please feel free to email them to me at wellness_1@yahoo.com and I will add that to the money.