Dating: Tips for Finding the Love You Want

Attention therapists all CEUs is grateful to our new sponsor, the Diversion Center. They offer workbooks that are 100% editable and delivered to you in a Word document on topics including anger management, substance use disorders, domestic violence, parenting, and shoplifting addiction. Each workbook can be used for individual or group sessions and is over 120 pages. You have the option to add or remove content, insert your name as the author, and reprint and resell the workbooks to your clients. Go to privatelabelworkbooks.com and take advantage of their buy one get one free bundle offers. Remember, that's privatelabelworkbooks.com hey there everybody and welcome to the PACER Method, a trauma, informed, integrative, cognitive, behavioral approach to health and wellness. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes, and today we're going to be talking about Looking for Love. We all want to be loved. It's a fundamental human need. A lot of times people get intimidated when they start trying to find a relationship. But finding a relationship is a lot like interviewing for a job. Let's look at how when you go to apply for a job, you hopefully don't apply for jobs thinking, well, I suck at everything but maybe you'll hire me. You view yourself as high value. You are aware of your strengths and weaknesses. You apply for jobs that appeal to your strengths. For example, if you don't like dealing with people, then you probably wouldn't apply to be a customer service rep. If you really don't like math, you probably wouldn't apply to work in accounting somewhere. And it's important to be aware of those strengths and weaknesses. Just because you have a weakness or a non preference doesn't mean you are a failure. Doesn't mean you're bad. It means you're human. None of us is good at everything. None of us likes everything. So that awareness is the first part. So know what you're starting with. Focus on what you bring to the relationship. When you get ready to go in for that interview. Focus on all of the ways that you can enhance the organization in terms of dating. Focus on what you bring, your good sense of humor. You are spontaneous. You are very handy. For example, what types of things do you bring to the relationship that would make a person want to give you a second interview? Recognize yourself as lovable because you're human. If you don't see yourself as lovable, if you don't see yourself as worthy or worthwhile, other people are not going to see it as much either. And finally, be authentic when you are Getting ready to apply for a job or start trying to find somebody to date. Don't put on airs and try to be something that you're not. Be. Because even if you can pull off that facade, you're not being your true self. And eventually you're probably going to end up being unhappy because you have to keep up this air of being something that you're not. More likely, once you get into it, it will become painfully obvious to the other person that you were saying that you were things or could do things that you really couldn't do. Be authentic. If you love motorcycles, say you love motorcycles. If you hate them, say that they're not your preference. But don't try to be what somebody else wants you to be. Be who you are. That is much more likely to help you find a relationship or a job that you know what you want. But be prepared to compromise. As I said, nobody's perfect. So think about what do I want if I had an ideal relationship, what do I want physically? What physical attributes does this person have? We all have different things that we're attracted to. It doesn't mean that the person that we end up in a relationship with is going to have all those attributes or maybe any of them. But be aware of what you're attracted to health wise. What are you looking for in somebody? If you are somebody who likes to go skydiving and rock climbing and snorkeling and diving and those sorts of things, you're probably going to want somebody who is in pretty good health because they won't be able to keep up with you otherwise. Affect and addiction, I guess can go up here too. If addiction or substance use is, is a deal breaker, you know you want to know about that affectively or emotionally. Are you looking for somebody who is intense? You know, they're not just fine, they are fabulous or they're excited or they're thrilled. They're not just, yeah, it was fine. Are you looking for somebody with that intensity or do you prefer somebody who's more level and even keel? You know, they're not. They don't go up too high, but they also don't go down too low at any particular time. Cognitively, you know what values are important to you in a relationship? And you may have a laundry list or you may have two or three. But what things are important to you in a relationship in terms of the other person's values that would make you compatible? And interests? What interests are you looking for in another person? If you are somebody who loves gaming or who Loves anime, then those may be things that you're looking for in another person. If you're somebody who has no interest in either one of those things, then you're probably not going to be a good fit for somebody who is passionate about those things. Relationally, what does a good relationship look like to you? Some people think a good relationship means being together 247 or, or when you're not together, constantly texting, always doing things together. You know, once you're in a relationship, you do everything as a couple. There's no longer any me time, it's always us time. Other people would find that terribly oppressive and constraining. So what does a good relationship look like to you? How much time do you want to spend together? What types of activities do you want to be able to do together? And know your deal breakers. You know, like if they're married, that's probably a deal breaker. If they have kids, may or may not be a deal breaker. If they don't like animals, may or may not be a deal breaker. For me, if you don't like animals, that's a deal breaker. Because I live on a farm, I have animals coming out my ears and I love every single one of them. I can't imagine living without having animals around me. Not everybody likes that. My stepfather, for example, was not real fond of animals. Wonderful human being, but was not real fond of animals and most certainly was not fond of them in the house. So, you know, he and I probably would never have connected. But, you know, so know what your deal breakers are. Just like when you're interviewing for a job, know what you're looking for. You go in knowing what you're looking for in terms of job duties, in terms of the climate in the organization, in terms of the values of the organization. And you know what the deal breakers are. For example, if they are going to make you be on call on a 24 hour call one week out of every month and that's a deal breaker for you. Well, that's one of those things that you know is a deal breaker. So know what you want before you start looking that way. It kind of helps you narrow things down a little bit more and you don't waste a lot of time going hither, hither and yon. Now again, I say that, but I also say be prepared to compromise. This is your ideal list. You're probably not going to find somebody who meets every single ideal criteria. That's okay. But you want to look for people who meet a fair number of them. Do you have A fair number of things in common. Do you share a fair number of values and interests? You know, those are the sorts of things that you can start with and then as you get to know the person, you can decide, am I willing to compromise or forego these other things that I would ideally like because this person brings so much to the relationship. Know your boundaries. Physically, what are your boundaries? How soon do you want to meet or how soon is too soon to meet? How do you feel about giving your, giving out your phone number or your email? And how do you feel about talking on the phone? For me, I hate talking on the phone. I detest talking on the phone. I will text, I will video chat, but I hate talking on the phone. I know that's one of my hang ups or whatever, you know, I will talk to somebody on the phone occasionally, but I am going to probably suggest the alternative of video chatting. Video chatting can be very helpful, but people don't often want to video chat all the time. So it's important to explore, you know, how often do you want to video chat? What makes you comfortable in video chatting? And know what your boundaries are physically, as far as, how shall I say it, pictures and dress and things. Sometimes, especially online, people may request or send inappropriate pictures. And you need to know where your boundaries are with those and be okay. Setting your boundaries affectively. How you feel about different things. How do you feel about politics, how do you feel about whatever's going on in the world? How do you feel about puppies and kittens? You know that's how you feel and those are your boundaries. And there's nobody, nobody has the right to tell you you shouldn't feel that way about something. So recognizing where your boundaries are. This is how I feel. You may not feel the same way. We can meet. But I'm not going to change how I feel based on to please you. And you're probably not going to change how you feel to please me. Same thing with cognitive boundaries. How you think about things and your values and your interests and your beliefs know what they are and recognize where your boundaries are. Nobody has the right to tell you that you are, your values are incorrect. They're yours. And you hold your values for a reason. Now you may choose to look at them at some point and re evaluate them. But your boundaries mean setting this invisible wall or door if you want to think of it that way. And these are your thoughts, these are your feelings. This is your body and and you can choose who you let know about your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and you can choose whether you change them or not. It's nobody's right to tell you how to live in your own skin. Now you know your boundaries, you know what you're looking for, you know what your strengths are and what you bring to the table. You're ready to go. So apply to the right places. You know, if you're looking for a long term career, you're probably not going to apply to a fast food restaurant. If you are looking for, you know, just something to make up a little extra money, you're probably not going to apply to a long term job. You're probably going to look for seasonal work or part time work. Likewise, if you're looking for a serious relationship, you may look@meetup meetup.com which has meetups in different locations across the nation and probably the world. So I am a member of a couple of hiking and kayaking meetups, for example. So there are groups of people that share similar interests. So this may be somebody to meet somewhere to meet somebody. Singles groups, a lot of community organizations and even churches may have singles groups online. There are places like match.com or an app called Hinge that might be a place to go. I don't even know if they're still in existence. You know, that tells you how far out of the online dating scene I am. But if you're looking for a hookup though, you're probably going to look at places more like Tinder or bars because the attitude in those types of places tends to be more of I want to meet you, I want to have some fun, but I'm not looking for anything that's really intense or long lasting. If you're just looking for friends, you actually truly want friends. You're not looking for a hookup or a serious relationship. Then there are apps like Friend Zone. There are Meetme also. Again, Meetup, it's a great place to meet friends or volunteering. You know, where can you find people who share similar interests to you? And if you're looking to explore kink, FetLife and Reddit tend to have communities where you can connect with other people that might be into some of the kinks that you're looking to learn about or explore and can direct you to in real life meetups where you might be able to get some more actual real life interaction. With a job. You wouldn't just send in a headshot in your name and go hire me. You're going to add a cover letter, you're going to send in your resume. So please fill out Your bio. It's so annoying when people don't fill out their biographies, even if it's just on a friend's website. You know, how do you know what to, how to strike up a conversation with somebody? A lot of bots don't have descriptions in their, their online profiles. So that's one way that you might rule out bots. But you also may rule out real people that were just too lazy to actually fill out anything online. So what do you put in your online bio? A lot of people say, well, I'm awful at filling these things out, just ask me. Well, let's think about what would you want to know about somebody else? You know, that's a good place to start. What type of connection are you looking for? Depending on where you're at, you know, what site you're on, there may be the option for dating or friends or long term relationships. So if that's appropriate, what type of connection are you looking for? And then a little about you, you know, how would you introduce yourself? For example? I'm a 25 year old engineer. I have three brothers and a sister who live in New York. I work long hours during the week but enjoy hiking and boating on the weekend. And then add a couple more hobbies or interests. My favorite comedians are Chris Rock and Robin Williams. I love most types of music. I work out four days a week and am teaching myself how to cook. You know, that gives somebody enough information to go through their what am I looking for List and go, yeah, we have some things in common. Or nope, not, not a single thing in common. Yes, when you're dating, the pictures are important, Attraction chemistry is important. But it's also important, especially if you're looking for a relationship, whether it's friendship or a long term relationship, that you have some interests in common, that you have some things that you're interested in doing together. Don't include in your cover letter a list of don'ts when you apply to a job. You wouldn't include in your cover letter a list of I won't work overnight, I won't do this kind of job, don't ask me to do this, don't do this. You're not going to put that on a cover letter for a job. Don't put it on your cover letter for dating. You know, that just communicates. Either you are difficult to get along with, to put it nicely, or that you are too traumatized by past relationships and you've got too much baggage that I would have to deal with. So yes, we all Have a list of things that we don't want somebody to do in a relationship. But let me get to know you first and then I can approach those with you kindly and assertively if necessary. You know, if I don't want to be with somebody who smokes, for example, and I start talking to different people and, you know, I don't know if somebody smokes, so I don't need to automatically say, well, don't smoke in front of me. You know, they may be like, well, I don't smoke anyway, what's your issue? So keep that off of your cover letter. You're presenting yourself, you're selling yourself. And it's important to start out with a positive foot in the interview. The date. And this can be your first video chat. It can be your first real life date. However fast or slow it goes. Dress nicely. A picture is worth a thousand words, whether it's in real life or an actual picture. If you present yourself slovenly, then the person will think, well, this person didn't care enough to really get dressed up. If you're sending the first picture you send somebody is shirtless and in bed, well, that communicates something that you may or may not be trying to communicate. If they send you a picture of them at their desk and you know, that communicates something completely different. So recognize that the pictures you send, especially the ones that you lead with, say a lot about what you're trying to communicate to that person. Open the conversation with something more than hi, hey, or how you doing? This is what doesn't matter whether it's in real life or online. Try, you know, hi, my name is, what is your favorite animal? Or what is your favorite food? Or whatever. Or ask what was the best vacation you ever took? You know, or if you could be an animal, what would it be and why? Those kind of questions catch people off guard because they're so used to the whole, hey, how you doing? Fine, how are you? Blah, blah, blah, you know, the same small talk that's very painful. So if you start out with something creative, it gets them thinking. And even if you don't know anything about them, you can ask these questions. So if you're volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, you can introduce yourself and ask something like what brought you? What made you decide to volunteer today? You know, that is a, gives them something to answer. It's an open ended question where they can provide some feedback and you can figure out whether, you know, they're doing it for community service or because it's something that they felt inspired to do or some other reason. Mind your banners until you get a feel for the room. Don't start telling off color jokes or swearing like a drunken sailor until or unless it seems like that would fit with, you know, what the other person expects and that is part of who you are. Remember, we want to maintain the authenticity. And please don't complain about your ex or how awful the dating scene is. You wouldn't go into a job interview and start complaining about your last employer or how bad the job market is. Don't do it on an interview. You're presenting a this is the first interview. You know, maybe you've been talking for a while and this is the first time you meet in person. I don't know. It's early in the relationship. Try to keep it on a positive note. Focus on all the ways this person is different than the traumas and dramas from your past. Be curious about that person. If it's online, read their bio and don't ask questions that have already been answered. That just shows a lack of commitment and effort. Find commonalities, interests, goals or experiences and ask them about it. You know, I read in your bio that you love hiking. Where have you gone hiking at? You know, and then you can talk about different places you've gone hiking, for example. Actually listen and respond to what they have to say. You know, if they say, start talking about their job, you know, listen and respond to it. Ask questions. Don't just go, oh, you know, that's interesting and then change the topic. That makes them feel dismissed. If they say something you don't understand, ask questions. Or even Google it. I've talked to people before on social media who have talked about things that you know are outside of my purview. I had no idea what they were talking about and typically I go look it up. I want to have at least a cursory knowledge about what I'm asking about. But sometimes I'll just ask them. I'll tell them, wow, that sounds interesting. Can you explain that to me? Because I've never heard of it. If they spend the first 30 minutes telling you all about the terrible exes they have, it's a clue. If the conversation is just one way. If it's not a give and take where you offer something and they listen and ask questions and then they offer something and you listen and ask questions like a conversation supposed to go. If it's just one way, that's a clue. If they're not willing to put forth the effort to engage, then you know it probably is not going to be a great fit. After the interview, and this is after each conversation initially reflect on whether it's a good fit. Do you share similar goals, interests and values? Don't pursue a bad fit because it will likely end badly. Even if it's, you know, the most attractive person you've ever seen in your life. Don't pursue it for a long term relationship if it is a bad fit on most other dimensions because people, you are not going to change somebody. People are not your project. You can only change yourself. And if you're not willing to change in order to fit their ideal, then you know it's probably not going to be a good fit. Don't make them carry your baggage. Don't talk about how they remind you of an ex or if they remind you of an ex. Don't hold them hostage for what your ex did. They are different people and this is a different time. Don't make them carry your baggage of abandonment fears. You know, if you fear abandonment, don't assume that they are going to abandon you. Don't put that on them. Don't make them fulfill your need for validation. You know, if you need somebody to tell you that you're okay, you know, that's something you need to work out, not rely on somebody else to provide constant validation for you. Follow up with people. Don't have one conversation, then let it drop. You know, if you're interested, it's important to follow up and text if you know. If you follow up once or twice and they don't respond well, that's a clue. But at least follow up once and maintain the effort. Don't expect someone you just met to love you. It takes time to develop trust, to develop authenticity. So it's really important to continue to connect with that person. Maybe not every day, but to connect and start building that relationship. Developing interests, developing experiences and memories. And then you can decide, you know, at a certain point if you want to keep it going or if it's one of those relationships that's probably better left as is. Avoid scams. Video chat in the first few sessions if you're online to make sure the person is who they say they are. Ask questions to verify their story. You know, I'm from Gainesville, so if somebody says, oh, I'm from Gainesville, I might say to them, oh, well doesn't it suck that they tore down the O dome? Which by the way, they didn't. And if the person acts like they did tear down the Odone, then I know they're not from Gainesville. They have no idea what I'm talking about. So yes, I do unfortunately feel like it's necessary a lot of times to double check people people's story and be alert but not overly suspicious or paranoid for ulterior motives like people who want you to sign up for their only fans or cheating spouses. Finding and developing a good relationship takes work. You're often going to get out exactly what you put in, or sometimes even a little bit less. Instead of applying to any old job, take have something to do, know what you want, figure out where to find it and go after it. The same thing is true for relationships. Instead of getting an inial relationship just to have somebody to snuggle up with at night, know what you want, figure out where to find it, and then start pursuing it. Learn about yourself and grow from every Interaction Most likely, the first person you connect with is probably not going to be the forever relationship, but you can learn a lot about yourself and what you want in relationships and what you can tolerate from every interaction. And you can use that to modify your what I'm Looking for list for the future. You can learn more about relationships@docsnipes.com YouTube this episode was produced by Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnellyce Snipes. They can be reached at 1633 West Main Street, Suite 902, Lebanon, Tennessee 37087 or by email@supportocsnipes.com.