Dealing with Toxic People | Live Chat with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Foreign everybody to today's presentation. I hope everyone had an amazing weekend and we are getting ready to launch into another awesome week. You know, it can't hurt to try to be optimistic. So you know, I encourage you to think about what is upcoming today that is exciting, what is going well for you today and and what you hope will be going well throughout the week. So let's start start the week off by trying to figure out what we can look forward to. That being said, let's start our presentation on dealing with toxic people. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. What are toxic people? Well, there are a lot of different definitions for toxic people, but there's short version is toxic people are includes anyone that when you're around them they tend to bring you down or make you feel bad about the situation or yourself frequently. You know, every once in a while somebody is going to have a shot of reality that's going to be unpleasant. But when we're around people regularly that contribute to us feeling stressed or distressed in some way, then we might want to look at whether they're toxic. There are a few different types of toxic people. First, there are the people with no boundaries. They have to have their own way. They have to be right all the time. How they feel is how you're supposed to feel. Everything is. It's important for them to control everything. And they have difficulty respecting your feelings, thoughts, wants and needs. The second group, which kind of dovetails pretty quick pretty closely to no boundaries are the people who are very egocentric. They can only see things their way and they lack empathy. They have a complete inability to even understand or dis desire to even try to understand where you're coming from. Dishonest people, you know, that doesn't need any explanation. Well, maybe it does. People who are dishonest with you are obviously toxic. It's hard to be in a relationship with that is characterized by trust and honesty with someone who's dishonest. But we also have that little twist on it. People who are dishonest with themselves, if they are telling themselves, I'm fine, it's okay, it's all good. And they are really angry, depressed, unhappy. That can also make them toxic because they have difficulty seeing what's going on with them and they have difficulty seeing, seeing and understanding their impact on other people. They think they're, quote, fine. In reality, they are very angry and tending to bring other people down. Sometimes toxic people can be considered inconsistent. They are happy one moment and unhappy the next. They love you one moment they hate you the next. That inconsistency, that unpredictability, is really challenging. And it's almost impossible to form a secure attachment with someone who is regularly inconsistent. We all have, again, moments where we can be a little inconsistent. But if you're dealing with someone who you feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time or you don't know who's going to show up, if it's Dr. Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, then you might want to consider whether that person is toxic. And finally, people who are just mostly negative are, can be really toxic in your life if you're surrounding yourself with people who are always looking at the bad, always looking at conspiracies, always waiting for the last shoe to drop or the sky to fall. That can be exhausting. To be around that constant or persistent negativity is really important to be aware of. Now, there are toxic people in our lives that we love and we love very much. And it's important to recognize that just because they are, quote, toxic doesn't mean we have to cut them out of our lives. But we do need to know how to deal with them. The impact of toxic people on us, you know, when other people around us are toxic, it affects us physically. It puts us in that fight or flight or sometimes just learned helplessness, depressive state of mind. So it can really trigger some of those neurotransmitters. It can trigger our stress reactions. Being around toxic people can also just be stressful. And however you experience stress, physically can come out. Being around toxic people can keep you anxious and maybe make you feel unsafe so you have more difficulty stress sleeping. Affectively. Being around toxic people is generally not fun. When you're around someone who's toxic, a lot of times it is a drain on your happiness because you are at best battling against their negativity if not getting sucked into the vortex cognitively. When we're around toxic people, a lot of times our, our mind, our thinking turns toxic. We start questioning ourselves, we start questioning our beliefs, we start wondering if we're right. We start noticing the negative. More environmentally when we're around toxic people, it's just stressful. Think about a time when you've been around in a, quote, toxic environment. Well, think about the energy in that environment and where that energy is coming from. Guess what? It's coming from the people, those, the people are emitting, if you will. It's not the word I'm looking for, but they're creating an unpleasant energy in the environment which takes us to relationships. Toxic people make it more difficult to trust, make it more difficult to feel secure, make it more difficult to feel like we can get support from, from them. So we feel more isolated. What do we do about it? You know, that's probably why you turn tuned in today was to figure out what can we do to help deal with toxic people. And the first thing I say is to empathize with what it must be like to be in their head. And you know, for the longest time my grandfather, bless his heart, was in World War II and he was in a, on a ship that had a bad explosion. He ended up having to have a metal plate put in his head. Now when I was growing up back in the, you know, 70s, 80s, we didn't really understand a lot about traumatic brain injury or ptsd. In retrospect I can understand why this man had a difficult time being optimistic and being happy. He was in pain, physical pain all the time, and he had brain injury that contributed to problems with regulating his neurotransmitters. So he was depressed and anxious a lot of the time. If I would have understood back then what it was like in his head, I might have been able to be more empathetic and, and be more accepting of his negativity. But I didn't and I wasn't. So you know, it was always a challenge going over to my grandparents house because you did walk on eggshells around grandpa and sometimes it was very stressful to go there because you weren't sure what was going to set him off. But you know, in retrospect, so I encourage you, even if you're dealing with a toxic co worker or a toxic family member, think about what is that behavior saying? If they are egocentric, if they have to have their own way, you know, maybe that means they are terrified of losing control. For some reason they don't feel safe. If they are persistently negative, you know what is prompting that? Why is it that they are on hype, they're hyper vigilant, they are on fight or flight overdrive and all they're noticing is the negativity or what's the benefit to them to holding on to that negativity. For some people it means that they are less likely to be disappointed. You know, if they expect the worst and something else happens then well, okay, maybe they're happily surprised. For other people if they are expecting the negative, if they're holding on to that negativity, then it keeps them in that fight or flight mode so they feel like they can Defend themselves because they're afraid if they let their guard down that something bad is going to happen. We need to, you know, try to understand where that person's coming from and remember that what they are doing and what they are saying is communication. You know, you have your over what they actually say. But, but then just the tone. If it's negative, if it is fearful, that tells us, you know, that they may be scared or they may not feel safe. Recognize that toxic people's reactions, whether they are having difficulty taking perspective, they're being bullies, they are negative all the time, they are inconsistent, they are lying. Whatever they're doing has more to do with them than it has to do with you. They probably interact that way with every single person because of whatever is motivating it. Because they don't feel safe, because they are depressed, because, because, because, and I can hypothesize until the cows come home about what might be motivating that for any individual person. Because we all have our own reasons for why we do what we do. Ultimately, I think a lot of negativity and a lot of toxicity comes out of an overwhelming feeling of being unsafe and being powerless. If we can recognize that it's not our job to fix everybody, but if we can recognize that and have empathy or even, you know, maybe you take it to the next step and have pity on that person for how dark and scary it must be in their head, it can help you cope with it a little bit better. It can help you set boundaries and go, okay, you know, I feel compassion for this person. However, it doesn't mean that they have to impact me. So recognize their reactions are probably how they react to everybody else. Maintain a positive self talk, even, even when they're negative, you may not want to try to argue the positive with them because you're probably not going to get many places. Most of the time. If people are in a negative frame of mind, they're going to stay in that negative frame of mind. When we are stressed out, when we're hypervigilant, when we're in that fight or flight mode, we notice the negative and our brain weights it a lot more heavily than the positive. Because if we miss a threat, then that could be, you know, really devastating to our survival. If we miss something that's positive, like a cute little bunny hopping around, you know, that's not really going to impact our survival. So our brain actually weights the negative more heavily. So recognize that they may be negative, but it doesn't mean that you have to be Negative. So use that positive self talk, reminding yourself of the good things. And you may have to do it in your own head if somebody's talking about how bad things are right now. And you know, right now there is a lot of negativity out there, there's a lot of toxicity and you can change the topic or you can just recognize your own opinions and remind yourself of the good things, you know, in your own internal self talk when you're around those people. And it's really important when you're around people who are negative or want to control everything to be able to set those boundaries and not feel like you've got to change your mind or change how you feel. Which takes us to hold firm to your boundaries, your emotions. If your, you know, say your co worker that shares an office with you is in just an awful mood, all right, well, you can have empathy for them. You can even possibly ask, you know, if they want to talk you. There are a lot of things that you can do, but it doesn't mean you have to get in a bad mood. It's important to be able to set that boundary and say, you know what, I feel bad for this person. However, I'm having a good day and I'm not going to let them bring me down. Way easier said than done. But it is important to be able to allow people to have their own feelings. You know, we're not going to take their feelings away, but also to be able to hold on to ours. Hold firm to your boundaries on your thoughts. People can disagree, it's okay. That's what makes the world go round. We don't want everybody agreeing on everything 100% of the time. That's group think. Then you start missing issues. If you don't have somebody arguing the opposite perspective. You know, it is good to have people who disagree, but recognize that just because they disagree doesn't mean either one of you is wrong. You both could be right. Holding firm to your boundaries in terms of your thoughts, whatever your thoughts are, check them against your facts, check them against reality as you perceive it. And if you think your thoughts are correct, you know they very well may be. And recognize that that other person's perspective is also affected by their prior experiences and their interpretations of things. So their perspective, although different from yours, also could be right. And personal space, obviously physical boundaries are really important. Holding firm to your physical, personal space in terms of obviously physical boundaries, you know, recognizing when people are getting too physically close, but sometimes toxic people are intrusive. If you live with them or if you share an office with them, maybe they're going through your stuff and which is not something that's trustworthy. Maybe they are too intrusive into your, your space. And, and like I said, that includes everything. Not just your person, but your personal space, your diaries, your journals, your computer, your mobile devices. You know, if you're feeling like your space is regularly invaded, then you're not feeling safe. Get support. Sometimes you're going to be engaging with somebody who is toxic and you have to, they are a co worker or a family member who's coming to visit or whatever the case may be. Get support from somebody who it. You can connect with. My husband is, is great about that. When there was one particular family member, when they, whenever they would come over, they always had something critical to say. And for the longest time I let it get under my skin because this person was always. I felt like they were regularly critical of what I did, how I raised my kids, how I cleaned my house. You know, the list went on and one day my husband pulled me aside and he's like, you know what? This person, they're coming over, you know, they're going to have something critical to say. It's probably coming from a place of love where they're trying to be helpful. However, if you let this get under your skin, it's going to drag you down, recognize it, you know, and take what's useful and leave the rest. And I was like, you know what, you're right. That's just the way this person is. So instead of taking it personally, I recognized that their reactions, their behaviors had more to do with them than me. And it was so much easier to deal with this person henceforth and forevermore because I stopped taking it quite as personally. I never quite understood where all that stuff was coming from, but that's not important. I'm not that person's therapist. So you know, those, those things are important to figure out for each toxic person in your life how you're going to be dealing with them and practice self care. Toxic people are draining. Dealing with toxic people, you often feel like you are fighting a. Fighting to defend the fortress if you will. Your fortress of solitude and, and happiness. So it can be exhausting dealing with toxic people. Practice self care. If you know you're going to be dealing with a toxic person. Make sure you've got enough rest. Make sure you're not overusing stimulants, make sure that you are keeping your blood sugar stable. Make sure you're addressing anything that can make you More vulnerable to responding with fight or flight to that person. A lot of times we become defensive, want to fight when, when we're around a toxic person. But it's important to practice self care so we have the energy to maintain our composure, to recognize where that person is coming from and to stay healthy. You know, it, it does take a lot of energy. And after you engage with a toxic person, it's important to practice self care and do something to recharge. You know, you are, you are bombarded with a lot of negative, negative energy. So now it's time to recharge that positive energy. Narcissists are a special type of toxic person narcissists. Let's go back to first slide. Narcissists often are very egocentric. They need to have things their own way. They feel like they are right about everything all the time and they will not hear any different. When someone doesn't fawn over them, does not cave to their opinions, then they get very angry a lot of times and, and that's important to recognize. Going back to, it's more about them than about you. This represents a fragility, if you want to think about it that way. In their ego strength, they have a very fragile self esteem. They have a very fragile self worth. For a lot of people who are narcissists, they really need other people's approval. And in order to get that, they sort of bully other people into approving with them. And if you don't approve with them, okay, they're going to cut you off before you abandon them. That's not always the case. The research has actually shown that some narcissists have very, very high self esteem and that high opinion of themselves and low opinion of others has been rewarded throughout their life span. The ultimate endpoint is really no different unfortunately because when you disagree with somebody who thinks they're all that in a bag of chips and, and you are not, it's hard to get empathy from them because they think they are so much better for the people who need your approval and they get very angry and defensive when you don't approve with them. Again, if you, for either person, if you go against them, you are going to incite their wrath. Dealing with that, maintaining your personal boundaries is really important. Knowing that you are okay, knowing that your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions are valid is really important. Even if this person says they're not. It's important to have others in your life that can be supportive of you. Recognizing that the narcissist is almost incapable of Being that supportive, empathetic person. And if you're asking them to be, you're asking them to do something that they may not be able to do. It's not that they don't want to. It's not that they don't, you know, maybe in some way care about you, but they don't know how to be empathetic and they don't know how to take other people's perspectives. So narcissism is an interesting characteristic to deal with. That was a, that was a great question. And I will do another video specifically on dealing with narcissists in the coming week. But, you know, that would be. As it relates to toxic people, narcissists can be extraordinarily draining and make you question yourself. And it's important to hold those boundaries and recognize that your, your feelings are valid. Parents who are narcissists is pretty much the same way as narcissists in adult relationships. Parents who are narcissists think that what they are doing is right, think that their opinions are right. They will often argue with doctors. They will to get their. Because they think they know more than the pediatrician. They think they know more than the psychologist. They think they know more than the teacher. But they also often are squelching of their children's ability to think for themselves. They tell their children what to think, what to feel, how it is. And if the child starts to assert independence or independent thought, thought, it's often met with disapproval. In terms of no boundaries, remember that our boundaries are basically an imaginary protection for our emotions, for our thoughts and for our physical person and our physical space. And people who are toxic often don't respect those boundaries for whatever reason. And again, I encourage you, whenever you're interacting with somebody else and they do something, think to yourself, what is this behavior communicating? In what way is this behavior helpful to this person? Why do they feel they need to do this? Why do they feel they need to, you know, invade my privacy? Why do they feel they need to, you know, get on my, my mobile device and read my chat messages or hack into my Facebook account or. There are a lot of different ways that people can invade boundaries. When you feel a certain way and they tell you you shouldn't, or if they feel a certain way and they get angry with you, if you don't agree with them, you know, that is their inability to respect your boundaries. If you are content and they are angry, they could get angry about the fact that you're not angry. Why are your feelings valid? Yes. They are. If you are content, then that's how you feel. And it's important to be able to recognize that your feelings are valid and okay. Because when you hang out with toxic people for too long, you start questioning everything. What other questions do you have? Remember, narcissism goes along a continuum. You know, there are people who are pathologically narcissistic. There are people who are difficult to be around because they're narcissistic. Then there are people who have really high self esteem but they're able to empathize. And that is one of the big differences. A narcissist doesn't care. A narcissist does not empathize with other people. There is nothing wrong with having high self esteem, but it's important to be able to empathize with other people. There is nothing wrong with thinking that your opinion is right because in your, from your perspective, from your point of view, it may be very right. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's important to be able to empathize with others and take others perspectives. I remember there was a little while that my, my children were homeschooled and we used to have these discussions each week where I would bring up a ethical topic and we would debate the ethical topic. And you know, a lot of times it came out that my son had very different opinions than I did and he could support them. I could see his rationale. I don't, didn't necessarily agree but with some of them, but, but I was able to respect his thought process and respect his point of view even if it wasn't, even if I didn't share it. And I think those were some of the most important activities that we did because it taught him from a very early age to be able to form opinions, to be able to disagree, but also to be able to be civil and respect one another. And yes, children of narcissists do tend to have mental health issues because one of the characteristics of secure attachment all the way through adequate psychosocial development is the ability to explore the world, the ability to form your own opinions and eventually the ability to individuate and become your own person in even if that is not the same thing as what your parent is or are. So children who are raised by narcissists often have difficulty knowing what their feelings, wants and needs are. So that's one, sometimes they take on some of the narcissistic traits because that's how they were raised and they become bullies themselves in some ways. They, they want other people to always agree with them and they can't stand it if someone disagrees. If someone disagrees then they are going to unleash again whether it's because the narcissist has such high self esteem they think they are right about everything or because the narcissist has so such low self esteem that they can't see stand someone who might disagree with them who might reject their opinion. You know it it there are there there there are the different kinds of narcissists but it's important to recognize if you grow up in that environment it's going to have an effect. Are there any other questions? Alrighty. If you enjoy these talks, please remember to click the like button down there and if you will share this with other people so they can join us on our morning discussions or they can watch the replays. But I really love it when you guys are here to interact with so I can. Answer your questions in terms of how to heal from toxic narcissistic parents. That's a whole presentation on its own, but I will add that to the list. For later in the week. Okay everybody have a great day and I will see you tomorrow morning at 9:30.