Difference Between Introverts and Avoidant Personality Disorder

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video where we explore the difference between avoidant attachment and introversion. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Avoidant attachment is a type of attachment. It's an insecure attachment style. It overlaps almost completely with what we call in the DSM 5 TR Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don't like the term disorder because I think that the avoidant personality behaviors develop as a way the person copes with a very abusive and neglectful environment. Anyhow, people who have avoidant attachment are often dismissive or minimizing of their feelings and needs as well as the feelings and needs of other people. They grew up in a household where, where they were told that they were too needy, that they were too emotional, that they needed to suck it up. They were not comforted, they were criticized. And so they've grown up shunning their own feelings and needs as well as those of others. It's not that they don't empathize, it's that they have been taught that it is not important to pay attention to those things. They can empathize, they just don't. People with avoidant attachment may not try new things, won't ask for help and give up easily due to fear of rejection, embarrassment, criticism or just not being accepted. When they were growing up again, their caregivers expected way too much out of them and as a result they fell short. They were constantly receiving criticism and feedback that they weren't good enough. We see this in AVO an attachment and we see often see this in avoidant personality. They feel shame for expressing emotion. We already talked about that. Have unreal, unrealistic expectations of themselves and constant feelings of inadequacy, not feeling good enough. So the person with avoidant personality or avoidant attachment constantly feels like they don't measure up, that their feelings are unimportant, that they are not good enough. They have this low self esteem esteem. They believe they don't deserve love because they're unappealing or inferior. How heartbreaking is that? And these are the characteristics, as I mentioned, of a avoidant quote personality disorder in addition to avoidant attachment. And finally, in people with avoidant attachment or personality, their relationships, the ones that they do have, are often extremely superficial. Why? Well, in their family of origin nobody had these deep relationships. It was all pretty superficial. Anyhow, they were taught that their feelings and thoughts didn't matter. And they were taught that if you let anybody in, if you're vulnerable, you're going to get criticized and you're going to get hurt. So as adults, their relationships tend to be on the surface. I will interact with you to the extent that I have to, you know, say at work, for example. But then we're done. We're not going to be best friends forever. Introversion, on the other hand, is a personality style or a personality trait. It's the opposite, if you will, of extroversion. It's important to remember that introversion and extroversion are on a continuum. Most people are not all the way at one end or all the way at the other. They have characteristics of both temperaments. But people who are introverts often need down or alone time each day to get grounded and recharge. It's not that they don't like people, it's that the noise from being among people and out doing stuff can be exhausting for them. They just need some recharge time. They love to do deep dives on things. These are the people who if they get something that they're interested in, they are going to try to learn everything there is to know about it. They're going to check out every book, they are going to talk to every person, they're going to read every blog. They don't have a lot of interest in small talk. That superficial small talk that you make with anybody and everybody feels like a time waster to them. So that's kind of interesting. And that's one of those key differences between introversion and avoidant personality. Avoidant personality. The relationships are often superficial in introversion. You've got relationships that tend to be very close and very deep. Also, the person who's introverted doesn't have that underlying feeling of anxiety or not being good enough as a result of their temperament. Now they may have that for other reasons, but healthy introverts don't have that. They are very comfortable in their own spirit skin. They're actually a lot more aware of what's going on inside them than outside. So they're, they know what, what they're feeling. They have to exert a lot of effort to get out of their own head, if you will, and notice what's going on around them. Not that they are selfish or self centered, it's just the way they are wired when they're in environments with other people which they don't dislike. You know it. People who are introverted do tend to like being around other people. Not big crowds, that's overwhelming. But a few people at a time. But it takes a lot of energy for them to focus on other people and Other people's needs. Now, some people who are introverts, interestingly enough, are highly sensitive people. They're aware of what's going on inside them, and they're also very aware of what's going on around, around with others. And when they get into an environment in which there's lots of people around, it's like the volume gets turned up to its act max amount. And they're just getting all this stimulus and input and it's overwhelming. Again, again, this overwhelmingness or this input, this is not the result of hypervigilance or trauma or anything else. It's just the way introverts are. My daughter is an introvert and even doing things when she was a teenager, like going to the mall or going shopping, even if we were going just grocery shopping and stuff. So it's not like this huge crowd being out and around other people was exhausting for her. And she would come home and she would just say, okay, I've had enough extroverting for today. I'm going to my room for a while. Fine. She needed time after that outing to get grounded and regroup, and that was fine. People who are introverts tend to have a few close friends. Extroverts have a lot of acquaintances. They have never met a stranger, if you will. People who are introverts have a few close friends. When they go out and do things, they like to do things either by themselves or with a couple of people. So the size of the group is limited. It's not that they don't like people, it's that the size of the group is limited. They also prefer to work independently because they can get into their zone. They can get into their groove and do a deep dive. They don't mind collaborating on projects, but they prefer to have each person have their own task. And then you get together and share, and then each person go and do the next step and then you get together and share. Instead of four people trying to work on the exact same thing at the exact same time, they can do it, but it's probably not their favorite activity. People who are introverts tend to be accountants, scientists, even. Sometimes people who work on an assembly line, if it's not too chaotic, because they are able on the assembly line to focus on in their own head. You know when a lot of times when people work on assembly lines, they're not chatting with all of the people around them. They've got to focus on what they're doing. And people who are introverted, because they get into that Groove. They get into that zone, if you will. They often dislike interruptions. And I said multiple times that people who are introverts don't dislike other people because that is a huge misconception. And that's one of the things I wanted to dispel right now. People who are anxious about getting in relationships, who don't trust other people, who feel bad about themselves, that we want to look at Attachment Introversion is a set of behaviors or a way of interacting that is very common in healthy, empathetic, compassionate people. And, and so there's a difference that we need to recognize. If the videos on this channel have been helpful for you, please support us in our mission to make high quality, practical content available to everyone. You can donate at doc snipes.com donate join the channel@docsnipes.com join or purchase a thanks on any particular videos that you like. People who have avoidant personality or attachment are often haunted by an underlying fear of rejection or sense of shame. Sometimes people who are avoidant may have lost hope in others, so they truly just don't care about getting in relationships. And that is one manifestation of the stress response. We've talked about this in other videos. Fight, flee, freeze, fawn, or forget about it. And they've gotten to the point that psychologists will sometimes call learned helplessness. And they just kind of lay down and go, I give up, forget about it. I'm just not even going to try anymore. People who are introverts, on the other hand, are often very healthy and happy, in touch with their feelings and needs, and have a few close friends. Ultimately, the question is, are you truly happy? Some people who have avoidant personality have been that way for so long, and often it begins in childhood that they've reached a point where they are comfortable with it, if you will. They are afraid of change, or they just don't have the energy for change, or whatever the reason is, they don't want to change their attachment style. They're like, fine, I don't need people. I can go live by myself and be a hermit on 115 acres. That's fine if that's what they want to do, obviously, because that's their choice. And that's another mistake that people often make, assuming that the person with avoidant personality wants to change. If they want to change, there are tools to help them overcome the issues that got them to where they are. If they don't, if they are content with where they are right now, well then great, let's empower them to be the person that they want to be. And introverts, we need to embrace their potential because just because they like to do deep dives, just because they don't like to be interrupted, you know, that makes them a great member of a team. When you've got other people who like to do the superficial things, they like to come up with the great ideas, but figuring out how to actually put it all together is just too much. You know, they get bored really easily. Well, they balance each other out. So introverts are also awesome to have around. We just need to respect that. Unlike the extrovert who gets enter, draws energy from being around people and can get charged in, you know, rah rah meetings as we sometimes call them. The introvert, not so much. That's exhausting for the introvert. So we do need to respect their ways of gaining energy. There are ways of feeling grounded and centered and the environments that are preferable and least stressful to them. Related videos are linked in the notes to this presentation. I've done multiple videos on temperament, extrovert, introvert, sensing, intuitive, all that kind of stuff and what they might look like in relationships. So if you're interested in how people's temperaments may be impacting their relationships and how you can better connect with people of different temperaments, check out some of those videos.