Emotional Impact of Betrayal

Hey, everybody, and welcome Back to part two of the Betrayed Spouse. I am your host, Dr. Donnelly. Snipes after a betrayal. After an emotional assault that occurs as a result of a betrayal, it's important for us to regroup. And one of the first things that we need to do is remember that we can't change the past. It's happened. It is what it is. And we can't predict the future. All we can do is be aware of what's going on in the moment and focus on using our energy purposefully to improve the next moment, to do the next right thing to get us toward where we want to be. Some of the things that can help us is starting to envision what does a rich and meaningful life look like now? And if you want to think about it in terms of a television series, okay, this is the culmination of the season, and the cliffhanger, the main character finds out that he or she has been betrayed by their spouse. Dun, dun, dun. Okay, next season, what is that going to look like? How is that main character going to recover and evolve and grow from this experience instead of letting it destroy them? You know, how is that going to play out? It is what it is. It's happened. It was written into the script. We saw the episode. We can't take it back. Recognizing that it's okay to say, I feel how I feel today. You may feel numb. You may feel angry, you may feel guilty, you may feel resentful. You may feel a sense of relief that finally I'm out of that bad relationship. There are a lot of different feelings that you may have at any point in time, and being aware of those throughout the day and recognizing and just being able to say, okay, I feel how I feel. I feel angry right now. All right, what am I going to do? What am I going to do about it? I feel guilty right now. What am I going to do about it? Instead of holding on to that feeling and nurturing it and thinking of all the reasons I deserve to be angry, I'm noticing that I'm angry, and I'm saying, okay, now how can I improve the next moment? Because I don't want to stay angry. I don't want to use my energy. I don't want to give this person my energy by letting them monopolize my thoughts. So what do I need to do? Remembering that I cannot change the past. You know, I may. In the grief process, there's denial, anger, bargaining. Sometimes we want to say, you know, if I can just wake up, maybe this is A bad dream? Well, it's not a bad dream. It happened. Recognizing that we can't change the past and reminding ourselves of that and figuring out how are we going to affect the present, the next moment in order to move toward what we want in the future? Some people after a betrayal are going to want to stay in a relationship and try to make it work. Other people are going to cut bait and try to establish another relationship or not. It doesn't really matter. In terms of coping, it is important for that person to decide what is it that I need to do for me, for my children, if children are involved, what do I need to do in order to achieve the goals and have the best possible life, given the circumstances, can't change it. So we have to add the Given the circumstances, what do I want my future to look like? We had this idea of what it would look like, maybe growing old together and well, that's not maybe going to happen anymore. So what do you want your future to look like? If you're still trying to work out, work through the relationship and work through the betrayal, what do you want that relationship to look like with the person in five years or even in six months? And remembering that going to be really important if you're trying to work through that betrayal, holding them hostage for the choices they made in the past is not going to help you work towards it. It's going to be important that you work through those issues and work through that resentment and anger and grieve the loss of the trust and the loss of your idealized version of the relationship in order to move to acceptance and, and get to that further goal and asking yourself, what is the first step toward my goal if I want to work through this relationship? What is the first thing that I need to do in order to start on that process? We can't control other people, we can't control what our spouse is going to do. But maybe I need to make an appointment with a marriage and family therapist and invite my spouse or what is it? That's the first step that you need to take. What is the second step? And looking at it very methodically so you don't feel overwhelmed, you don't feel hopeless, you feel empowered because you see actions that you can take to help you move toward the life you want. It may be with the person that you want, that you're in a relationship with now, it may not be. And it's going to be partly on you to determine whether you want to try to repair that relationship, and partly on them. If they want to try to repair the relationship and there's going to be a lot of negotiation or potentially just anger. If one partner wants to work it out and the other partner doesn't, then there's going to be more anger and betrayal and feelings of being let down and led astray that are going to have to be worked through. Those can be worked through, focusing on what you feel right now, how to improve the next moment, and how you envision your life. Once you know the totality of this betrayal and whether your partner is going to, you and your partner are going to work it out or you're going to part ways. Once you know that, once you know the facts, saying, okay, this is how it is, this is how that season ends. What's going to happen in the next season? How am I going to grow as a character, as a person in this next season? There are a lot of different feelings associated with betrayal. Grief is sort of the big overarching one and it encompasses a lot of things. You can be angry at yourself for being blind to what happened or feeling like you caused part of it. You can be angry at your partner for, for betraying you, for not trying, for not speaking up, for not going to counseling. There's a lot of things you may be angry about. You can be angry at the other person for intruding in your relationship. You can be angry at the world for hurting you. Because the culture really is not supportive in many places of long term monogamous relationships. So you may be angry about that. You may be angry at your partner or the other person for taking away your power to choose. Instead of coming to you and saying, you know what, this isn't working, I want to see somebody else. They did it and didn't give you the option to say, sure or no, we need to go to counseling, or no, you know, we need to break up or get a divorce. If that's the way you feel. They took away your power. You may be angry at your partner for spending money on that other person, spending time on that other person that you feel should have been for you. You may be angry at your partner for choosing someone else over you and your current family. There's a lot of things you may be angry about and identifying what those things are, making a list of them and starting to address them. Holding onto that anger is just going to keep that threat response system, that HPA axis, ramped up and keep you feeling unsafe. So it's important to identify the thoughts that you're having and figure out how to work through them. Sometimes this means working with a therapist and that's too much for us to cover in this, you know, 10, 15 minute video right now. But it is going to be important for you to recognize which parts of the situation you had control over. It's important to recognize which parts of the situation you have control over in the future. It's going to be important for you to recognize how you are currently safe and the relationships that you have currently that are still safe relationships. Another feeling you may be experiencing is blame. Blaming yourself for, you know, causing the breakup, blaming the other person for causing the problems, blaming, you know, the world. Going through a whole list of woulda, coulda, shoulda's. If I would have known that you were unhappy, I could have done this, or you should have told me, blah, blah, well, woulda, coulda, shoulda, but didn't. Those are all things in the past and it didn't happen. And now we're at this place. If you're trying to work through the relationship and repair it and work through the betrayal, it's going to be important to learn from the woulda, coulda, shouldas and say, okay, the next time you start feeling this way or if you start feeling this way again, let's make a plan for how you're going to handle it. Instead of betraying me. You may have a lot of anxiety about what's going on, about being alone, about changes, about, you know, if you're splitting up. There may be financial, financial anxiety. There may be anxiety around relationships, what other people are going to think. There's a lot of different things that could be causing anxiety. If you decide to work through the relationship, work through the betrayal. There may be a lot of anxiety when that person is acting a little bit weird or somewhat withdrawn or is at work or not within your immediate purview, which is understandable because you're wanting to control the situation so you don't feel, so you don't get hurt. Again, it makes sense. However, you know, too much control and too much helicoptering and hovering is probably going to end up causing more damage to the relationship. It's going to be important to talk about fears and talk with your partner and your partner talk with you about what can be done to assuage your fears. What can your partner do when they are at work that can help you feel safe knowing that they're at work, knowing that they're doing their work and not, you know, engaging with someone else? You may feel guilt about what's going on. You may Feel guilty for breaking up with your spouse, especially if children are involved. You may feel guilt for. For being angry. You may feel guilt for. And because you feel like somehow you caused this. And it's going to be important to look at what your part was in it and what their part was in it. You were in the relationship, so there's. You had some part in it, but that doesn't mean it's your fault. You know, it means that you are true to yourself, which that's not anything to feel guilty about. And it's important to recognize that, yes, you may. You had a part in this relationship, but it may not be anything you need to feel guilty about. You may have been being the best person that you could be. And it's important that you don't take on guilt that is unnecessary. And depression, a lot of people reach that point. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Depression is a sense of hopelessness and helplessness where you finally feel reality and the totality of the situation hits you and you're like, oh my gosh, my life is just, just got turned upside down and I feel totally overwhelmed and hopeless and helpless and life will never be the same. And you may have a lot of extreme thoughts going through your mind, such as, I'm never going to find anybody else. I'm going to be alone until I die. It's important to check those thoughts against facts because we can have some really extreme thinking with when we're having really extreme feelings. You may experience jealousy of the other person because they got time, money, attention, yeah, whatever, from your spouse. And you may feel envious of people who are in healthy relationships, your friends who are. Have the, quote, perfect marriage. And you see them, they appear to be happy and laughing, and you are not experiencing the same thing. So you may feel envious or resentful of them. And that's okay, you feel how you feel. But it's important to check that feeling and say to yourself, this is how I'm feeling right now. How can I improve the next moment? Is it useful to hold this resentment and look at my friends and think that they don't deserve to be happy or have other unpleasant thing, unpleasant feelings or other feelings that contribute and thoughts that contribute to my sense of hopelessness and helplessness, or what is a better way I can react to their happy marriage, their happy life? Maybe I don't want to be exposed to it right now because that's just too painful. That's potentially an option. Maybe I want to look at that as a model for what I want my next relationship to look, there are a lot of different ways we can view it. Holding on to resentment and nurturing it and just letting it grow and sprout in our heads is going to do nothing except for increase our stress levels, reduce our libido, and reduce our mood. That gives you a few tips and insights on the emotional impact of betrayal. It is not easy to deal with, and some people, like I said, are going to have very different reactions based on their prior learning, based on their culture, based on what caused the betrayal. And it's important to recognize that you do have choices in this particular situation and focus on what you do have control of. You can't control the other person. You can't control the rest of the world. What can you control? You and your situation and figure out how to improve the next moment.