Empowering Children for Life: The Key to Psychological Flexibility

Hi, everybody. I'm Dr. Donnelly Snipes. And today we're going to be talking about creating psychological flexibility in children. Now, we have talked about creating psychological flexibility before, but generally in terms of adults and this presentation, I should have kind of been more specific instead of saying children and specified the age. So I'm going to try to apply it as much as I can to all age groups so we can work with parents with children as young as two or three and start helping those children, despite their cognitive abilities at that point, start developing psychological flexibility as well as all the way up through adolescence. We're going to define psychological flexibility and list the main principles of it. We'll identify the components of psychological flexibility and describe how to teach it to children as they're growing up. This isn't something for younger children. For older adolescents, you can sit down and you can teach it as a concept. For younger children, they're going to learn the concepts and the components as they grow. And then when they get to be adolescents, they will be more able to implement this. So the first thing we want to talk about with psychological flexibility is vulnerabilities. When people are tired, malnourished, hungry, stressed, sick, or in pain, they tend to have more difficulty dealing with life on life's terms. When we're tired, our HPA axis can be activated. It's also harder to concentrate. Our neurotransmitters are a little bit out of whack. If we're malnourished, we may not have the right balance of neurotransmitters to support focus, learning, attention, happiness, all that kind of stuff. If we're hungry and our blood sugar is low, a lot of people tend to get what we call hangry, which is a combination of hungry and angry. When our blood sugar starts to go low, our HPA axis releases cortisol, which causes our body to dump glucose into the bloodstream in order to help us get going. For some people, that kind of gives them the shakes. For people with hypoglycemia, they can get really cranky anyhow. All of these vulnerabilities can lead people to have more difficulty getting into their wise mind, if you will, and having psychological flexibility. It's more difficult for them to be flexible when they are struggling to deal with life. So with kids, starting from the time that they're infants, set a bedtime routine and teach them about good sleep, hygiene. Make sure that they're doing roughly the same three things, three or four things, every single night. Eat dinner, take a bath, read a story, go to sleep, whatever it is that they do, and help them start learning. You don't want to drink three glasses of water an hour before bed because you're going to have to get up and pee in two or three hours. If you do that. Teach them as much as you can about good sleep hygiene from the time they're young. Help them learn the value of sleep. Even with young children, they may not quite register at all, but if they hear it, you're planting those seeds. Point out that you're going to have a better day at school or we're going to have a much better time at the park tomorrow. If you get a good night's sleep when they're having a bad day, especially if you know it's because they didn't get good rest, you might want to point that out, too. It seems like you didn't sleep very well last night, so now you're having more difficulty making the right choices. Any way you can point that out to help children start drawing that connection between sleep and behavioral or emotional disruption will be really helpful. And as they get older, you can still do that with my son. And, you know, he's in college now, still living at home, but he's in college. And, you know, I regularly point out, it seems like you didn't get enough sleep last night because you're, you know, seeming kind of scattered, having difficulty concentrating. Well, lo and behold, the other day he said the same, exact same thing to me. He's like, you know what? I didn't sleep very well, and I'm having a real hard time focusing on my final project today. I'm like, oh, hallelujah. You actually did make the connection. The more they hear it, the more times those seeds are planted, the better. Nutrition is also important. So their body has the building blocks it needs to grow, but also to balance those neurotransmitters and help them have neurotransmitters. Enough neurotransmitters like norepinephrine and dopamine for focus and motivation. Help children learn good eating habits. Have them participate in cooking. There are lots of recipes, and you can go on Pinterest. You don't have to buy a book that have healthy recipes that kids can actually make and eat. A lot of them have to do with food art, if you will, but they can be fun and they're easy things that kids can learn to make, like macaroni and cheese or little toaster pizzas or whatever. Have children help create menus with three colors at every meal. And we talked about this in one of the presentations last week. You can download posters from online that show you the different foods and the different categories. The purple, the yellow, the orange, the red, yada yada. And have children choose different foods to go in each category and then you can make a menu together. That way they feel like they've got some agency in identifying what they're going to have to eat. Keep prepared fruits and vegetables available. If they get used to snacking on these, then they're not going to be looking for the sandwich. Cookies minimize refined foods so they have stable blood sugar. It's really important for adults as well as children to try to minimize our blood sugar spikes and crashes. That doesn't mean you can't have a cookie occasionally, but we don't want children to regularly come home from school and be binging cookies or something that is really highly processed, which will spike their blood sugar because it's probably low by then. But then they're going to crash really hard, which is going to make it more difficult for them to do homework during school. Our brain is one of our biggest users of blood glucose. Bet you didn't know that. Make sure that children are getting a good lunch during school. I know I was bad when I was in high school. I skipped lunch almost every single day. And in retrospect, probably wasn't my best idea. If children have sufficient protein and complex carbs at lunchtime, it will help them have better focus throughout the rest of the day. And obviously you want to make sure they have sufficient protein and complex carbs at breakfast as well. We want to fuel the brain and talk to kids about why nutrition is important. One thing that you can do is tell little children to build a Mr. Potato Head, but take one set of the pieces, like all the stuff for the face or all the limbs. When a child cannot complete the project, you can explain that. Just like they need all the pieces to make a Mr. Potato Head, for them to be healthy and happy, their body needs all the different types of food building blocks. And you can go from there. But you can use that analogy with something that they work with every single day. Positive health behaviors are another vulnerability. We want to make sure that people are not stressed out, they're not in pain, they're not sick, yada, yada. Relaxation is really important. And for these health behaviors for younger kids, we need to model it. And for older kids, too, younger kids, it's harder to tell them to do something we have to show them or do it with them or older children we can tell them to do something, but if we're not doing it ourselves, they're likely not going to do it either. So we want to do it with them. Why is this important? Because we want to make sure they've got as much resilience built up as possible, so when distress comes their way, they have the reserves to deal with it. Ergonomics and little soapbox here and you can click on these links later. The presentation is in your classroom. Backpacks, youth all the way through college and even I do it today. I'm bad about having my gym bag or my purse on one side. That is horrible for your back and it can contribute to a lot of back pain and discomfort. Make sure that children, especially now that they are using more and more digital devices, have an ergonomically sound desk. And there's a link to the OSHA site where you can look at exactly what angles different things need to be. And the other place people don't think about ergonomics is bed. If you're spending seven to ten hours in bed every day, then that particular area ought to be ergonomically sound. Recognizing how your child likes to sleep and helping them get the best pillow and the best mattress in order to support adequate sleep. That is one of the best things, surprisingly, that we can do for parent as parents, for them to help them with their mood and their focus and their learning potential and everything is make sure they get a good night's sleep and they're not in pain. When children are growing, think back to when you were going through a growth spurt and you got kind of achy and you were uncomfortable. The more we can do to help them be comfortable and be relaxed, the more charged they're going to be and the more resilient energy they're going to have to deal with the stress. With hand washing again, starting with little kids, we can start teaching them good health behaviors. I know when I'm sick, I have difficulty dealing with just about anything. I'm a big old grumpy puss and they say sing Happy Birthday or whatever. I like baby bumblebee because it's appropriate. I'm washing up my baby bumblebee Won't my mama be so proud of me? I'm washing up my baby bumblebee Scrub a scrub, a scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. You notice I didn't sing that for you? And you're welcome. You can do that once at least, but two twice is better. In order to make sure that you're washing your hands long Enough to kill all the germs and model exercise. It doesn't have to be going to the gym every day, Just moving your body for an hour a day. Whatever that happens to look like for you is better than nothing. Remember, children should be getting one hour of moderate to vigorous physical activity every day. Most kids aren't getting any. So if we can even get them off the couch for an hour or out from in front of the video games for an hour, that's better. Exercise increases self esteem, it increases coordination. It actually releases some endorphins and serotonin, so it can help mood. So again, we're charging that battery. We're using energy, but we're also charging the battery at the same time. Which takes me to my metaphor. When you start working with older kids and middle schoolers get this, help them realize that if they get a good night's sleep, eat a healthy diet and learn to relax, so they do all these vulnerability prevention type behaviors, then they're charging their battery. And each day they're going to start out with a fully charged battery. If they don't get a good night's sleep, eat a healthy diet and learn to relax, then they may not fully recharge their battery. So they're working from a low battery the whole day. And you know how it is when your cell phone battery, you wake up and you're like, oh, I didn't get the connection good, it's 50%. You're constantly looking for somewhere to plug it in to charge it up and trying to charge and use it at the same time. How effective is that? Not very effective. Same thing for our bodies. Our bodies recharge a whole lot better when it can get adequate sleep and nutrition and everything, as opposed to trying to recharge and deal with life at the same time throughout the day. And continuing with that metaphor, tell children that throughout the day, each time they do something, they're draining their battery. And it can be good things like exercise. It takes energy to exercise. Or it can be stressful things like getting upset. The more intense the activity or emotion or the longer it lasts, the more battery is used. Makes sense. Same thing with your, you know, the bigger and more intense the app, the more battery it's going to drain. The brighter you have your screen, the more battery it's going to drain. Things like eating, walking and exercise. Yes, they drain your battery. They do, but they also help you be healthy. So we want to make sure we have room to use that. Just like there are certain things you always probably want to be able to do on your phone. You want to be able to make sure that you can listen to music and look at the weather or whatever it is. Those are the basic things that you reserve energy for. So you know you need 60% of your battery to do the basic things on your phone every day. Well, you know you need 60% of your battery to get through life. You know, do what you need to do activities of daily living every day. That amount of the battery is pretty much devoted already. Now you have that other 40% of your battery that you can use for downloading apps or doing other things that happen on occasionally when we're talking about the human 60% or whatever of that battery is spent. Your body battery is spent doing activities of daily living. The other 40%, you can choose how to use that energy, but we have a lot of options and a lot of stuff to do. Do you want to spend that other 40% of your body battery worrying, getting angry, throwing a temper tantrum, fretting about something, or do you want to use it for something else that is more akin with things that you enjoy? Encourage kids to think about a day they didn't sleep well. Did they run out of body battery earlier in the day? By the time it got to be one or two o', clock, were they really dragging? I remember days I was sitting in seventh period in high school and we had eight periods and I was nodding off. You know, that that's not a good sign. And I remember days where I was perfectly awake. What about a day you were really stressed out about a test coming up? You know, how did you feel by the end of the day? Generally, when we have even low levels of chronic anxiety because we know we've got this test coming up or something, it ends up being more exhausting. And then how much easier do things seem when you're rested and relaxed, when you don't have something you're worried about, when you're rest? Now, for teenagers, they may not even know what this feels like because they haven't felt either one of those things since they were little. But we want to help them start developing these tools so they can have those moments that they do feel rested and relaxed. A lack of clarity about values, and this term is we're going to define it in a minute, can underlie much of people's distress or keep themselves stuck. When we talk about values in this particular context, we're talking about a lack of clarity about what's important to you in life. You know, is whatever this is that you're worrying about, is this really that important in the big scheme of things? Now remember, for kids and adolescents, they don't have much of a big scheme. So something that for a 48 year old might not seem like a big deal, may seem like a huge deal to a 14 year old. We do want to take their perspective, but we also want to help them gain some perspective about, you know, how much does this really matter to the things that are truly important to you? We want to help children identify what is really important in their life and become willing to focus their energies on those things to clarify who is most important deep in your heart, which people and what do you want those relationships to be like? An adolescent can probably tell you some of these things and describe it. Younger children may not be able to. So we can help them create a collage of people who are in their life and talk about, you know, what things do you like to do with these people or their higher power or their pets, you know, what do you want that relationship to be like? And create different collages so they can envision it a little bit better. Children do much better, especially ones who don't read yet. But even ones who do read who are under the age of maybe 13 do tend to do better with pictorial representations. And it can be a collage. A lot of us are not artists. What events, things and experiences are important to you? And some examples might be getting on the fill in the blank team or club, the drama club, the football team, whatever, getting good grades, going to college to be a teacher, a physicist, a computer, something or other, being good at art, cooking, whatever the child fancies as their, their hobby or their strengths, my health. And generally kids are not going to put this in there as things that are important to them. But we do want them to see how their health is important to them. Because without their health, it's going to be harder for them to be able to participate in sports activities or drama club or focus long enough to get good grades or enhance their skills in some area if they are ill. Lot of the time now, small children may not have a lot of anything here. So we want to bring it back to something more proximal, the things that are important to small children. And I remember when my, when my daughter was little, from the time she could talk, critters were important to her. She's my little Ellie Mae Clampett. And those were really important. Our cats, our dogs. Even then, even back then, she would go out to our little pond, our koi pond, and Play with the frogs. You know, she loved her critters and that was important to her. Pointing out, for example, that if she got sick that she wouldn't be able to do that. She was more willing to take care of herself. Pointing out that if she was angry and having difficulty managing her emotions, that she was using a lot of energy that she could be using to play with those animals. That was a little bit more helpful helping her realize how she's spending her body. Battery and kids understand batteries now. I was sitting in the dojang the other day waiting for my daughter to get out of taekwondo, and this little girl walked up to her grandmother and she didn't have anything in her hands. And she had this very frustrated and worried expression on her face. She goes, it's dying. I was like, oh my gosh, what is she talking about? And her grandma was like, what? She goes, it's dying. And I was waiting. Turns out it was her iPad. Her iPad was dying. She was five, I think. No, four. But even kids as young as four understand the importance of battery now, I guess. So this is an analogy that you can carry through with them. When we're talking about values, I mean, we've already talked about who's important in your life and that who I included pets and higher powers and the. What's the things that you do, your health. But what values do you want to embody? Adolescents, they're trying to individuate, they're trying to figure out who they are. So this is an interesting activity for a lot of them. Younger children probably haven't thought about it that much. So for them, we may want to for as parents, choose five that are important for our family and. Or characterize the child, such as, you know, if your child is honest, resourceful, compassionate, faithful and determined. You know, those are the five I picked. And we can help children learn to embody these things. They're already those things. So help them learn to enhance those things, because those are strengths. Another way you can go about it with small children, that can be kind of interesting. Tell me what animal you're like and why. Children will tell you pretty matter of factly. You know, they want to be like a racehorse because it runs fast, or they want to be like a gorilla because it's a good mother or whatever it is. Children have observations and that can give us a clue as to what values might be important for them. We've done what we can to enhance protective factors, prevent vulnerabilities. But unpleasant things happen. Life happens sometimes. So what do we do psychological flexibility? You knew I'd get to the definition eventually. Is the ability to be aware of situations and consciously choose from available options. You're in the midst of a situation, and generally when we are in the midst of a situation that triggers that fight or flight reaction, we go into autopilot and we do what we've always done, which may not be the most effective option available at that point in time. So psychological flexibility says we become mindful of the present moment and what's going on and how we feel without judgment. And then we look at our options in our wise mind and choose the best option for how to use our body battery to get us to help us get closer to those things that are important to us. So, for example, with psychological flexibility, somebody can choose to stay angry and do what they've always done, or they can choose to use that energy to do something to improve the situation, improve how they feel about the situation. Sometimes you can't change a situation, and we're going to talk about some of those in a few minutes. Maybe Sally gets a D on her chemistry test. Okay, well, that can be very upsetting. We'll accept that. That's upsetting in the here and now. It is what it is. You got a D. Can't change it. Now, can you stay angry about it and beat yourself up and call yourself stupid and catastrophize? Certainly that is an option. Or what are some other options that you have in order to improve the next moment and figure out how to improve the situation or improve how you feel about the situation? You got a D. Do you want to focus on and catastrophize and make it feel like the end of the world? Or do you want to add in some empowering cognitions that tell yourself, you know, I didn't do as well as I could have. Let's look at options, and I can do better. The main principles of psychological flexibility are to create a happy life while accepting that sometimes that things can be unpleasant. It just life happens. We want to be able to learn to recognize that distress is often harmless, even if uncomfortable, But a passing psychological event when we get upset, and this is really important to drive home upsetness, whether it's anger, anxiety, rage, any of those dysphoric emotions, that is our body's natural response for survival. Our body goes, hello, fight or flee. That's survival. That's okay. Feelings are okay. It's what you do with those feelings that can cause you problems. Feelings tell you to take action. Happiness tells you to do it again. You know that made you happy. I want to do it again. If something makes you scared, it may tell you that there could be a problem. Now, just like a faulty fire alarm and we have smoke alarm at the house, when we have our windows open sometimes and the wind blows particularly hard, our fire alarms will go off. No particular reason, don't know why. Does it mean there's a fire? Well, obviously no. So the smoke alarm is there to tell us that there could be a problem and we need to check it out to figure out what the next best step is. We also want to help people learn to make effective choices for how to use their energy based on their goals and values to improve the next moment. So is using my energy on this issue going to help me achieve the things I want to in life or improve my relationships with the people I care about? If so, then well carry on. If not, then I need to figure out how to handle it maybe differently. The six core principles of psychological flexibility. And this comes partly from acceptance and commitment therapy, our awareness of values. You need to be aware of who you are and what's important because you can't figure out if you're using your energy to get closer to that unless you know what that is. The next one is the observing self and mindfulness. Being able to observe what's going on without getting all tied up in it, to step back and objectively look at it. Third is diffusion, and that's unhooking from it. Acceptance. That's where we are. We're still in that main area and I'll show you that area in a minute where we say, okay, this is what's going on. It is what it is. It may be unpleasant, but it is what it is. I'm not going to judge it. I'm going to accept it is what it is. And then I'm going to choose how to react and then committed action. So the fly on the wall, your dog, or for little kids, Sid the science kid. And the observing self or the audience, the non judgmental, curious, objective entity that is in the present moment, you know, pretend for little kids, you know, what would your dog say about this? Or Sid with little kids. Sid the science kid is one of the best examples because I think most kids have watched that fly on the wall is a little bit more difficult for small children. But we want to encourage them to take that curious, objective, non judgmental stance. Just describe to me what's going on. So using that entity, bringing full awareness to the here and now experience, taking Three deep breaths and notice how it feels for the air to go in your belly and out. Why do we do this? Because deep breathing triggers the relaxation response, which basically turns down or turns off the HPA axis or the threat response system. So we're helping people get into their wise mind. Back in my day, people used to say, you know, just go take a few deep breaths and you know, I take a few deep breaths really fast and I'd get dizzy. But that didn't do any good. Taking the deep breaths is designed to trigger that relaxation response. Get some of that adrenaline out of your system so people can think more clearly. Then have the child explain to you what happened using objective words. If your child comes up to you on the playground and said, Tommy was mean, okay, I don't know what that means. I don't know if he said something ugly or what happened. So I need to probe to get more objective terms. What exactly did Tommy do that was mean? Well, Tommy knocked me down. Okay, now we can deal with that and figure out how to address that. Or a teenager coming home and, you know, upset and says, my day sucked. Alright, well, that's a pretty common theme. What happened today? I got a C on a quiz and nobody sat with me at lunch. Okay, Those are objective events that we can figure out whether it's worth, whether you want to spend your time and energy on those things. So we talked about using objective words. What happened? Now? How do you feel about what happened? I got a C on a quiz, I feel frustrated with myself and I feel like a failure. Okay, you feel how you feel. What are your thoughts, wants and urges about this? What, what do you want to do? What is your autopilot telling you to do? What physical sensations are you experiencing? Some people, you know, when they get upset, they have physical sensations. They have their racing heart, they're breathing fast, their hands are tingly, whatever. And what is the purpose of your feelings? And with little kids, I really want to bring that full circle. Why do you think you feel angry right now? And help them understand that anger is a feeling that helps protect themselves. And then evaluate the situation and see if they're really in danger to help them start differentiating. The next step we've identified what's going on is cognitive diffusion. And it means stepping back and recognizing that thoughts and urges are just passing events, not part of us, and don't have to lead to action. If you get pushed, you could get angry about that and you may want to push the person back. Well, that's a thought. And an urge I want to push back or I want to fight back. That's a thought or an urgent. It's not part of who we are. I don't have to do that. It's not part of me. And it doesn't have to lead to action. It's just passing. Becoming resentful at classmates for not sitting with you at lunch. Well, you could hold that resentment and you could nurture it. Do you have to now? Part of your thoughts may center around there. It's safer to nurture that resentment than to put yourself out there and try to take risks. Is that how you want to spend your energy? Do you want to spend your energy on resentment? We want to allow thoughts and urges to come and go without running from them or giving them undue attention. When something bad happens, we notice it. You know, that's just like the fire alarm, smoke alarm going off. Okay, notice it now. I'm not going to give it undue attention or run away from it. I'm going to say, okay, it's telling me I need to do something. Let me figure out what I need to do. And perceiving thoughts, images and memories as bits of language and pictures as opposed to what they can appear to be, which is threatening events or objective truths. If you get pushed, you know, on the playground, maybe then the person thinks, you know what? It's not safe on the playground anymore. I can't go there. Well, let's look at that. Is that an objective truth? Nobody likes me. That's a thought. And that's a thought you are obviously able to have. Is that an objective truth? Let's look at the facts. Little children have nightmares and they can get afraid. Maybe they're afraid to even sleep alone in their room because they're afraid they're going to have another nightmare. The Boogeyman's in the closet. Obviously, with their creativity and their imagination, we're probably not going to convince them that there's no boogeyman in the closet. But what we can do is try to help them figure out, okay, I hear you're worried about this Boogeyman, and I'm here to tell you, I can promise you he's not going to bother you. But what would help you feel better and what would help you feel safer? So we're doing something to improve the next moment. Sometimes I'll liken distress tolerance to a B. And I've told you guys this one before. Unpleasant emotions. You notice I don't say negative because our unpleasant emotions tell us to do something. They serve a purpose. So I try to always avoid saying negative emotions. They are unpleasant or distressful, but they're like bees. If you resist them or swat at them or try to run away, you're going to likely make it worse and get stung. If you just observe them with curiosity to understand why they're there and let them leave when they're ready, it's much less painful and those little bees just fly away on their own good time. Another thing we can help children with is the analogy or the story about two wolves. It says that there's a fight between two wolves going on inside every person. One is anger, fear, envy, sorrow, regret, arrogance, self pity, yada, yada. The other is peace, love, hope, contentment, humility, compassion, and so on. Which wolf will win? If you think of having two wolves inside you, the wolf that wins is the one that you feed. So are we going to feed and give energy to the things that help us feel hopeful and contentment and happy, or are we going to feed the things that help us feel envy, regretful and angry? And when we talk about feed, that's really feeding it with different thoughts and things that we say and the way we perceive the world. Cognitive diffusion activities. Understanding that thoughts are passing events can be kind of difficult. And as I've told you all before, thoughts are passing events for me. A lot of times I. I'll walk into the kitchen and I can't remember why I went there. And you know, it happens. Thoughts are not permanent. They're not part of who we are. You can envision thoughts as clouds. You know, take kids out and watch the clouds. Especially on a windy day when the clouds are moving pretty quickly. See the clouds just kind of blow. You can't reach up and grab them, you can't hold them, you can't keep them there. Just like thoughts, they will pass. Some people prefer the metaphor of trains. You know, if you think about a train, you know that little arm comes down and it's frustrating to have to sit there and wait for the train to go by. But eventually the train goes by and you can go on your merry way again. You ain't gonna catch it. The train is like the thought, you have to sit there and it's a little bit unpleasant to sit while it passes, but it's going to pass, and then that arm will go up and you can drive right on through. For older children who are able to write and read, they can write their thoughts, you know, something that's distressing them down on a index card or scrap of paper and put it in a thought box or a jar. When they start thinking about that again, then they can remember that they've taken that thought and they've put it in the thought box and they will deal with it later. Bubbles. Little kids like blowing bubbles so they can think of their distressful thoughts like bubbles. So just get that out. When children are out there blowing bubbles, they're having fun for a moment. They're getting more into their wise mind and they're also able to envision some of those thoughts just going away and bursting, you know, all gone. If you don't like bubbles or it's not a nice day outside, you can do balloons with little safe darts. Please don't release them into the air. So bad for the environment. That's not my favorite one. And dandelion seeds, if you don't mind dandelions, which are super high in vitamin C and dandelion roots are super nutritious. I digress. You can take one of those dandelions that's just the white puffy thing and blow on it and imagine the seeds are the unpleasant thoughts as they go away. Activity. In order to encourage kids to unhook from negative self talk, think of a negative self judgment such as I am stupid. Think about it. Believe it as much as you can. Notice how it affects you when you're hooked to a thought. When you say I am something, you know, I am a female, I am a mother, I am stupid. Well, I don't like that, you know, that feels like it's something I can't change because it's something I am now change it. And instead of saying I am stupid, saying I'm having the thought that I'm stupid. Remember, those thoughts come and go. They don't stick around. They're not forever, they're not part of us. If we don't want them, we just watch them go away. Notice how you feel differently when you're no longer hooked to that thought. When you're no longer hooked to that I am statement. Think of an urge. Because we've talked about thoughts, now we're going to talk about urges such as I have to get even or I have to get an A on this test. If I don't get an A on this test, you know, bad things will happen. And I see a lot of this with test anxiety. I see a lot of students freaking out at the end of the year testing. When I used to work in the schools, I had a couple kids that actually would pull out their eyebrows during their eyebrow hairs during testing or pull out their arm hairs during testing because they were so stressed. Again, I have to get even. That's something that must be done. It just. There's no options. That's being hooked to that thought. I must do this or fill in the blank or bad things are going to happen. Notice how it affects you when you're hooked to that thought. I have to do this now. Insert the phrase, I'm having the thought that. So I'm having the thought that I have to get even. Well, am I going to hold on to that thought or am I going to let it float on by? Notice what happens when you're no longer hooked. You have options. If I'm having the thought that is an option, and I can have other thoughts, which are other options. I have to get an A on this test. Well, if I think that, then I'm going into that test and I'm already stressed out because I'm thinking that I have to get an A on this test or something bad will happen. That's not going to help me focus if I have the thought that I have to get an A on this test. Well, ideally we change it to I want to get an A on this test. But, you know, little steps. Think about it. What happens when you're no longer hooked? If you don't get an A on the test, what's going to happen? Once you. You're not hooked anymore? Once you quit saying I have to do it, then you have options. If you don't get an A on the test, what are your options? What's going to happen? Because you may not. Once people are able to be in the present moment, identify their thoughts, feelings, and urges, recognize the purpose of those thoughts, feelings, and urges that are generally, sometimes misguided, but generally devised to help people protect themselves, then they're able to unhook from their thoughts and urges and their behaviors. Instead of automatically thinking something and having to do it or having the urge and having to do it, they're able to view those thoughts and urges as thoughts and identify other possible options for behavioral responses. Then assess the situation. Well, some situations that come up. Tommy pushed me. Susan posted something mean on my Instagram feed. I have to get an A on this test. Nobody sat with me at lunch. Any of those things. Encourage the child to ask themselves, is this thought or issue even worth my attention? You know, maybe you're at a playground that you're never going to go back to again. And yeah, Tommy pushed you, and that was not appropriate. But Tommy went home. Is it worth worrying about Tommy again? Because you're probably never going to see him again? Will addressing it get me closer to the people and things that are important to me? If it is important, what thoughts and behaviors will be helpful at addressing the issue and getting you closer to your goals? If it isn't, how can you let it go? So in the case of Tommy, if you're never going to see him again, if it's a safe place, you know, you might want to talk about in the future if somebody becomes aggressive, how to handle that, but also help the child feel safe in where they're at. So to become Flexible One of the things that I encourage people to do of all ages is to create what I call a prevention matrix. And these are the things that you do every day in order to make sure that your battery is as charged as it can be. And it's divided into four quadrants. Up here are your external events, your behaviors and urges. And down here on the bottom are your internal events, your thoughts and your feelings, things other people can't see. On the left side usually is autopilot, and autopilot usually are behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that keep us stuck. And on the right side are things, behaviors, thoughts and feelings that we can implore or employ in order to get closer to our goals and values. So becoming flexible we want to help people identify what kinds of behaviors do you do when you get upset, when you get distressed? That use energy, that drain your energy and don't help you get closer to the things that are important to you? Then we want to ask them what things do you do when you get upset? That what kind of feelings do you have and what kind of thoughts do you have when you get upset that drain your energy and move you away from those things that are important to you? Helping people recognize that thoughts and ruminations can be extremely draining. You know, if you've gotten upset about something and three hours later you still haven't let it go, how much energy did that take away from what you could have? The energy you could have spent on something that's more important to you on this other side. Have them identify what kinds of behaviors can you do on a daily basis or weekly basis that helps move you toward your goals and values. So that goes back to getting good sleep, nutrition, taking care of yourself, yada yada. And what kinds of feelings. Now remember feelings themselves when you initially have them. They are natural. That is your body's way of telling you to do something. It is nurturing those feelings. What feelings can you spend your energy nurturing that will help you get closer to your goals and values? A feeling of confidence, a feeling of empowerment, a feeling of self esteem is not really a feeling, but you get where I am going eventually. I want their prevention matrix to look like this. If when they get upset, sometimes they eat, they go and eat a pint of Haagen Dazs or they scream or they play video games or they decide they're gonna sleep all day long, sleep is good, sleep all day, not so much. Or they're gonna flame or gossip about somebody, whatever they normally do to in reaction to feel like they are getting even or getting safe or getting vengeance. What kind of feelings do you again, nurture that drain your energy? If you nurture resentment, anger, jealousy, depression or worry, it can be exhausting. If you nurture thoughts like I am powerless and kids are not going to use the word powerless, but you get my point, or everybody in the world is mean or nobody likes me, okay, Those are thoughts that you have and being aware of them is more than half the battle. What thoughts can you have that help you get closer to your goals and values? You know, when you feel distressed, what thought options do you have? You can get angry or resentful, or you can take a deep breath and focus on things that are going well. Identify what you have control over. Have faith that this will pass. You see where I'm going and your external activities that you can do to get you closer to your goals and values. I started on that earlier. Sleep, nutrition, exercise. If grades are important or your career is important, then study, do your chores. You know, for a lot of kids, they're living at home and if they do their chores, life's going to be a lot easier and they're going to get a lot more of the things they want. If they're not in conflict with their parents, they can call or go out with somebody. You know, if we want to nurture those relationships, then we need to nurture them. Maybe they can draw or practice, practice drawing or practice tennis or whatever it is they'd like to do or listen to some kind of music, anything that helps them relax and recharge or, or get closer to their goals. How can they use that energy? They only have a battery's worth of energy. They don't have any more than that. So they have to choose how to use that, you know, random 40% that's not already dedicated to activities of daily living. One activity that you can do with kids on a magnetic whiteboard, draw out the Matrix like you just saw and ahead of time, make out cards, laminate them, and attach a small magnet. Obviously, this is an activity that is going to be durable. On each little card, put something that is appropriate to your particular kids, whether it's your personal children or the kids in your group. What things can they do that are helpful? What things do a lot of them do that are not so helpful, but automatic ways of responding? And then each time, then you have the cards in front of you, and you draw a card and you hand it to the child and you help them figure out what quadrant it goes in. Does it go in the helpful quadrant or the unhelpful quadrant and have the child put it in the correct space? So does eating healthfully, does that drain your energy and move you away from things that are important, or does that help you get energy and stay healthy and happy? Have them move those cards around and if there are debates about it, that's fine. That's a good place to start having a discussion. This doesn't work really well for super young children, but it does work well when you start getting into your upper middle school and high school students. I like using the magnetic whiteboard and the magnets just because, you know, a lot of the things that people do on autopilot are very similar. So becoming flexible. Now we've done the prevent flexibility prevention matrix. So they should have one of those sheets filled out. They should fill out a sheet for themselves on paper that identifies all the things, all their response options that are available to do on a daily basis to help them be as charged as possible and help them work toward. Use their energy to work towards their goals and values. A lot of times, if we don't have something written down, then when we have extra time or extra energy, we sit there and twiddle our thumbs like, I don't know what to do. Well, if they've got that down there, they know what they want to do. They can look at it and go, oh, yeah, you know what? I could try drawing or I could practice the piano for 30 minutes. Hallelujah. That's their prevention matrix. But then you have another matrix that we use for helping them deal with the stress. Same four quadrants. The issue. We want to help them notice, objectively unhook from it and radically accept it is what it is. So this particular instance, Susan was mean on Instagram. Okay. Notice objectively. How was she mean? She said something that was unkind. Okay, what are your feelings right now? I'm feeling devastated, and I want to get Even. And I'm going to show her and yada, yada, yada. Okay, that's how you're feeling right now. Let's unhook. I'm having the thought that I'm devastated. I'm having the thought that I want to get even. I'm having the thought that. You see where we're going with this? So now those thoughts go over here, probably. Because those are thoughts that are probably not helpful. And then you ask her, okay, what are some other thoughts that you could have that might help you use your energy in a way that helps you be happier? So the issue we've talked about, so the away behavior. She might think, I want to flame her back, I want to gossip about her at school. I. I want to get into a fight. I want to meet her after school. Okay, those are thoughts that you can have. Sure are. Let's just put them down there, get them out in the open. What are some thoughts and feelings that you're having? Anxiety about what other people are going to think if they read that. Okay, well, that's a realistic concern. Resentment. Okay, that's a feeling, and that's a perfectly valid feeling. Anger at Susan for being hateful. Again, that is a valid feeling. Now, is nurturing those feelings, nurturing the resentment and the anger, does that do anything to get you closer to God? Family, friends, coach, your horse and dog, or getting a tennis scholarship? Does Susan play that big of a role in any of those things? If the answer is no, then we might think, okay, well, what are my other response options that might be more helpful? You could block her or report her. Delete the post. Focus on the nice comments. Get off the computer. Oh, my gosh. Or talk to Susan about it. If Susan's important in your life, then that might be a toward behavior. Instead of nurturing that resentment and anger, how can you talk to her about it? And the toward thoughts and feelings instead of feeling anxious that you're going to get rejected? Courage that I can deal with this. Acceptance that it is what it is and people say ugly things sometimes. Determination to do what's best in the long run and willingness to accept those things, I cannot change. You know, obviously, I was just kind of spitballing here, but we want to help youth and your adolescents start brainstorming when they get upset. You know, they put down that issue objectively, and then they identify all of their different response options and all of their different possible thoughts and feelings that they could nurture. And then they make a decision, a conscious, rational decision about what Is the best way to use their energy to help them achieve what's important in their life? The shortcut question. You know, sometimes you don't have time for this big matrix sort of thing because you're on the fly. Shortcut question. Are my current thoughts, feelings and actions helping me get what's important to me? If not, what could I do differently? So, for example, a young child is throwing a complete temper tantrum. He wants to watch television, but his homework isn't done yet. Well, is throwing a temper tantrum the best way to use his energy in order to get to watch tv? It's going to use a lot of energy, but ostensibly parent is not going to let the child watch TV until the homework is done. So what's a better way to get TV time? Finish the homework. Or he wants dessert but hasn't eaten his dinner yet. Again, you're at a stalemate. But there might be. There's an opportunity to learn here. You know, sitting here and moving your food around uses a lot of time and may use a lot of energy, but you're not going to get your dessert until I see half of those vegetables are gone or whatever the case may be. So the child understands what his response options are. I can sit here and move my food around, but if I want dessert, then I need to choose this other option. The child is empowered with choice. And then Jane wants to fight Julie. Okay, Jane and Julie, they're into it about something. If Jane fights Julie, what are the possible consequences? You know, she may get suspended from school, she may, heaven forbid, get arrested, whatever. You can look at those things. If she doesn't fight Julie or if. What are the other options besides fighting Julie that she can look at in order to resolve the situation? And remembering when you're working with children that. What is real to them is real to them. And I've made the analogy before, and I don't mean to be. I'm not trying to be sarcastic or condescending to children, but it's kind of like working with a person who's schizophrenic and a person who's schizophrenic. If they tell you the sky is green, no matter how much talking you do, you're not going to convince them it's blue. You need to join them in their reality. With children, we can tell them our perspective, but we also have to be willing to join them in their reality and understand where their fear is coming from. And I always bring up the boogeyman because I think every child Has a fear of the boogeyman at some point in time and helping them recognize that, okay, I can sit here and be stressed about it all night and stay up all night, and you know that's not going to do any good. What can I do to help myself feel more comfortable? And we talked about that a little bit earlier. So maybe it's more helpful for that child to look under the bed with the flashlight and then keep a nightlight on. Or what is it that you think will help protect you or help you feel better that you're safe and you can go to sleep. I've checked your room, and I promise that the boogeyman's not going to get you or whatever. But helping them recognize that they do have the option to do things and help them brainstorm and start finding response options. Even if you know in your mind there is no boogeyman, so leaving a light on or opening the closet door or closing the closet door isn't going to do anything in that child's mind, they've made a step towards feeling calmer. And cognitively, that's. You have to meet the child where they're at, remembering that, you know, they may be very egocentric and at that point in time, so how they feel, they think everybody else should feel that way, and they think that is the God's honest truth. We do want to obviously meet children where they are cognitively when we are helping them identify response options. But even with younger kids, it's not hard to sit down and going back to the matrix, the prevention matrix, you can even make a prevention matrix for kids, for little kids that doesn't have words. You can have little pictures like toothbrush and a little picture of somebody sleeping. You know, you can get clip art and print it out and have children put those up there and you can put it on the refrigerator so they can see what their options are. So when they start having a bad day and melting down, you know, like when my son used to get overstimulated, you know, we could talk about, okay, you feel like doing this right now, probably not going to be your best choice. What are some other choices you have that might be better options? And for him, you know, he would put himself into a little mini timeout until he felt like he was calmer. Helping children start becoming mindful and aware and empowered is what psychological flexibility is all about. So every event is an opportunity to choose thoughts and behaviors that will help use your energy to move toward your goals and values. Children often don't have long term goals and values. So help them see how their choices can help them get what they want in their near future, like a trip to the park or playtime or dessert. Acceptance means accepting without judgment how you feel and the situation as it is, instead of fighting against it, just that it is what it is. Using the flexibility activity or worksheet with youth, they can start learning to apply this on a daily basis so it becomes more routine. And try to keep the prevention matrix up where kids can see it. If you work with families, encourage them to keep it on the fridge. If you're a classroom teacher, keep it somewhere in the classroom. If you're a school counselor, you know, obviously somewhere in your office or somewhere where they can see it, where they can remember what some of the more helpful response options are. Are there any questions.