Environmental Impact of Betrayal

Welcome back, Everybody, to part four of the Betrayed Spouse. I am your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. There are a lot of effects of betrayal, and we've talked about the emotional effects, the cognitive effects, the physical effects. Now we're going to talk about the environmental effects of betrayal. Yes, the environment is also affected when we are betrayed. Your safe space, your home, the places you used to go with your partner, become a minefield of reminders and triggers that remind you of that betrayal, of that emotional assault that you experienced. If you're still cohabitating, you're trying to work through it, the person is still living with you, then every time you see that person, you may be reminded of the betrayal. It's going to be important to eliminate as many negative reminders as possible. So if every time they wear a particular jacket, it reminds you of when you found out that they were betraying you, you may need to have them get rid of that jacket. If you know there's something they wear or a particular cologne they use or something that every time you smell it, it reminds you of the betrayal, you may need to look at trying to change those things. But you also want to add positive reminders. Put up pictures around the house of positive experiences that you've had. Maybe pictures of your family, pictures of vacations that you went on, pictures of things that you hope to do together. Maybe you want to go hike Mount Kilimanjaro. Okay, well, put a picture of that up there to remind you of the hopes and dreams that you're still working toward. All of the reasons that it's worth putting the effort into trying to work through this relationship. If you're separated, if you decided that this is not going to work, or the other person said, I don't even want to try, then it's important to add positive, unrelated reminders and triggers in your environment so you're not constantly being reminded of that person. Now, this also includes the media. It can be excruciating to watch certain shows on tv. When you are in a bad relationship or have been betrayed or have just gotten out of a relationship, it's important to be cognizant of what you're forcing yourself to watch on tv. And watch things that make you happy, watch things that make you laugh, add positive, unrelated triggers in your environment. Maybe if you can get a dog. I'm all about dogs, because they will require a lot of energy and take your focus to them quite a bit. Dogs aren't for everybody. So if you're not going to take care of it obviously you don't want to get a dog. It's not a temporary thing. But find things that you can put in your environment. Put pictures of you and your best friend up. Put pictures of accomplishments that you've gotten. Put pictures of things that you want to do in the upcoming weeks and months around your house or on your mobile device so you can remember, okay, you know this right now really sucks, but in three weeks I have this vacation to Cancun coming up and I am just gonna have the time of my life. Making sure that you have things to focus on. Smells, sounds, friends, anniversaries, holidays and separation may also be triggers. Going back to those smells I mentioned those earlier, particular colognes or perfumes may be a trigger for you. And recognizing that and addressing those you can change smells. Sounds like text message alerts. If this person was, if your partner was text messaging with somebody and every time they messaged you heard that Facebook sound or that kick sound or WhatsApp or whatever app they were using, then hearing that particular text message alert make your stomach just tie up in knots. It's going to be important for you to encourage that person to change the alert sound and you do the same on your phone. But recognize when you're out in public, other people may still have that sound on their phone. And if you hear it, it may, for just a second make you tense up that pain in your stomach. Grief is a long term process and you're going to have hopefully better days as you get further away from finding out about the betrayal. You're going to have better days, but you're also going to have some little grief bursts where you're reminded of the betrayal and it hurts just like it happened that day. Hopefully those periods, those grief bursts will happen fewer and farther between and instead of lasting for a whole day, will only last for a few minutes and after a while. But it's important to be compassionate with yourself. Friends may also remind you maybe your partner was saying that they were going out with their friends and turns out they were going out with whoever they betrayed you with. And so now when you see those friends, it's a reminder that they were covering for your partner or maybe they even encouraged your partner to to betray you. And that might make you feel very angry. Seeing those people may remind you also just seeing friends that you had that were your mutual friends, when you see them in the store, it may remind you of that betrayal. And you may not, sometimes you may not know exactly how to respond. It's important to rehearse ahead of time how you're going to respond when people say, oh, well, how's your partner? And if you're not together again or if you're not together anymore, how you're going to respond. Anniversaries can also be huge triggers. And anniversaries are kind of interesting. It can be the anniversary of the date you found out. It can be anniversary, your marital anniversary, it can be the holidays. There are a lot of different points on the calendar that can trigger feelings of sadness, resentment, guilt, grief, yada yada. And it's important to recognize that and again, be compassionate with yourself and recognize how you're feeling and say, okay, remember, I feel how I feel and it's normal. What do I want to do with this feeling? Do I want to nurture it? Do I want to spend a lot of energy thinking all the thoughts I can to make it grow and, you know, work with it like, like bread dough? Or do I want to improve the next moment? Do I want to do something to stop feeling this way and figure out what I can do to feel empowered to change the next moment, feel empowered to feel better. Separation may also be a trigger when that person goes to work. If they go on business trips, it's going to be important to talk about how the two of you can work together. If you're trying to work it out, what needs to happen so you, the betrayed spouse, can feel safer and calmer and less anxious. So your partner may say, I have to go to work. How can I help you feel less anxious when I'm gone? This may be an important conversation to have in your next relationship. Well, remembering it's not fair to hold your next relationship hostage for what your spouse did. However, you may still have be triggered by similar situations. So it's going to be important to be aware and figure out how you're going to deal with that and maybe have an open conversation with that next person about, you know, when my spouse used to travel, they used to, you know, cheat on me like crazy. And so when you travel, I feel anxious. You know, I want to trust you, but there's still a part of me that is hurt from what my spouse did and talk about what needs to happen so you can feel safer. Part of that is going to be on you. Part of that is going to be you regularly stopping those hecklers that are saying that, you know, he's cheating on you and silencing those hecklers and addressing the current situation and handling your own thoughts and developing trust in that person, Your partner either the one who betrayed you, if you're working it out, or the new partner may say, I need time with my friends. How can I do that without adding to your stress? If it is possible, you know, maybe you want to go out as a group so you know your partner's friends and their significant others, and you all go out and do something together. Or your partner's friends come to the house. I know my daddy used to have poker games at the house all the time. Not that he cheated on my. On my stepmother or anything, but that was fine. And it was a place that they could come and they could hang out. She went and did her thing. She read her book in her room or whatever because she didn't like to play poker, but they came over to the house. I would imagine if you're in a relationship where you've been betrayed, that having people at your house would feel safer because you have more control over that situation. Another aspect that comes up after betrayal, another time when people may be separated, include when you're at the gym or working out. And somebody may say, running is really important to me, and I'm not going to give that up, but you can track my run. There are all kinds of apps you can get on your phone, and teenagers typically call them nanny apps or police apps. But they will track the GPS location of that phone, and that may be too intrusive in some relationships. Other relationships may be open to it. In order to help both partners get what they need, it's going to be a negotiation and a discussion, regardless of whether it's a relationship with the person who betrayed you or a new relationship. Another thing that may happen in the environment, unfortunately, is that the betrayed spouse may wonder every time they go somewhere, did my spouse come here with the person that they were cheating on me with? Did they come here? What did they do? And if they find out, you know, they went to this particular restaurant, it may feel too uncomfortable to go there. If they find out that maybe they had a restaurant. This couple had a restaurant that they always went to for anniversaries, and their spouse took the other person there. Oh, my gosh, that could feel so painful because that was their special place. So now that's another safe space that has been violated by this interloper. It's important in progressing past the betrayal to make the environment safe again. Regardless of whether you're trying to work through the relationship or you're starting over, it's important to make the environment and the relationships feel safe. Remind you of how you're safe, remind you of how you're strong and remind you of the positive things.