Exploring How Anxious Attachment Influences Mental Health

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on the relationship of attachment style to addiction and mental illnesses. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. So let's first think about what attachment does. We've talked about how attachment helps build emotional intelligence. But specifically, what do does a securely attached relationship do for the child? It teaches mindfulness. In a secure relationship, the caregiver is consistently aware or consistently mindful of what's going on with the child. So they are kind of monitoring the caregiver's responsive. When they notice the child is happy, they celebrate with them. When they notice the child is in distress, they help the child identify with what they're feeling and tolerate the distress and then figure out how to solve the problem. So it starts by helping people learn mindfulness, emotion identification, emotion regulation in self and others. And then that caregiver is also helping the child develop a sense of awareness and sense of self. They're starting to learn that hey, this makes me angry or this makes me happy and it's about me. It doesn't necessarily make you angry or happy, but this is how I feel or I react to this situation. It also helps children develop a sense of awareness of others. They can see that their caregiver may not be under distress, but they are. So they're starting to learn that just because they feel a certain way doesn't mean other people necessarily do. They develop the ability to identify and respect pacer boundaries. They learn to respect physical boundaries. If they want to be touched, then they can ask for a hug. If they don't want to be touched, they can say, no, I don't, don't touch me. And the caregiver hopefully will respond. They learn affective boundaries and cognitive boundaries. The way they feel and the way they think are theirs. Their caregiver might not agree, but that those are their caregivers thoughts and feelings. And they have their own thoughts and feelings. And they start to learn to differentiate between mine versus yours. And they learn environmental and relationship boundaries. They start learning about people's personal stuff and personal space. Insecure attachment. The caregiver is going to communicate, hey, I that I see you're curious about that, but that's mine. That is not something that you look at without permission. The child develops communication skills. They learn through the caregiver responding and saying things like it seems like you're angry right now. The child learns to use words like angry and communicate how they're feeling. And they learn to problem solve. The caregiver is not going to sit there and go wow, you're really upset. Sucks to be you. The caregiver is going to help them figure out what they can do to improve the next moment. So all of these things are crucial to helping the child develop a sense of self. Be able to consistently be aware of their thoughts, their feelings, their needs, to respond to them in a healthy way so they feel safe and empowered in life. And when that doesn't happen, that then they start feeling anxious, they start feeling insecure, and we start to see a lot of, quote, symptoms develop. So let's look at some symptoms of insecure attachment. Now, you remember the three main types of insecure attachment are anxious avoidant and disorganized, or anxious avoidant. So the anxious person is constantly fearful that they're going to be abandoned. They may appear as clingy. They may emotionally disregulate pretty often when they don't feel safe. Because they don't feel safe so much, their HPA axis starts to become disregulated, which leads to that emotional disregulation. In people with anxious attachment, you also may see splitting. You're all good or you're all bad. You're all safe or you're unsafe. And you may see that in anxious avoidant as well. You can see dependency characteristics in people with anxious attachment. Some people with anxious attachment will want to be in control because that makes them feel safe. If I'm controlling who you're talking to and where you're going, then I feel safe. If we're constantly in contact, then I feel safe. Other people with anxious attachment may be much more dependent and constantly reaching out, not only for reassurance, but for direction. What should I do? Even for the most mundane things, how do I handle this? People with anxious attachment often have a lot of generalized anxiety. They're anxious about a lot of stuff. They. They don't feel safe in their own skin. They don't feel capable of handling life on life's terms. You may see panic disorder because that HPA axis is dysregulated. There may be things that trigger panic in that person, especially things that occur that remind them of times when they were younger and even more powerless of being abandoned or being rejected or being hurt in some way. A lot of people with insecure attachment have CPTSD attachment trauma. Failure to form a healthy attachment with your primary caregiver is traumatic. It prevents the child from learning, in most cases, some of the core tools they need to survive and thrive in the world out there. When they start going to school or even interacting with their with their siblings and their peers on play dates. So it makes it harder for them to connect with others and it makes it harder, harder for them sometimes to be accepted, which creates a situation where they're regularly experiencing rejection. They're regularly feeling abandoned and distressed. Now let's talk about hoarding, addiction and codependency for a minute. Hoarding, we know, is not being able to throw away stuff and even sometimes getting more stuff. And with people with anxious attachment, many times that can be a response to feeling insecure. So if they can't be in a relationship, if they can't be with someone, they distract themselves. They self medicate, if you will, by buying stuff or by keeping stuff of theirs and keeping it sort of at the ready. So hoarding can be self protective, just like addiction. Addiction in for many people is a way of self medicating, a way of numbing the pain for a little while. And people with anxious attachment feel so unsafe. And when their significant other is not in their immediate presence, providing that regular reassurance, their anxiety goes up. Or if they don't have a significant other, if there's nobody that they can trust, they feel kind of like a fish out of water. And it's extremely anxiety provoking for them. So they may turn to addictive behaviors in order to sort of numb that feeling and that addiction, that substance, that behavior that's always there. They don't have to wonder if the bottle of Jim Beam is going to suddenly abandon them. You know, they can see when it's starting to get low and they can go to the liquor store. So that's one of those behaviors that has not failed them, that tends to, to some degree, help them feel better in the moment. Codependency is sort of a people addiction, if you will. But people with codependency may try to control the other people in their world. If you do what I say, everything will be all right. And as long as I'm in control, then I'm safe. As long as I'm in control, you're safe. And guess what? You need me. You need me in your life in order to survive. So you know, I'm making myself indispensable to you that way. You can't leave me. You can't abandon me. Now on the other side of the coin is the avoidant response. The child who's experienced rejection in their life, criticism, who hasn't been loved for who they are. They may have learned that, you know what, people aren't safe. Nobody's going to meet my needs and if I'm not perfect, I'm going to be criticized. So I don't even want to try. I have no use for people or no use for relationships because they're too painful. It's not necessarily that they don't want to be in a relationship. Deep down inside, a lot of people with avoidant attachment, it wouldn't mind it, but the pain is just not worth it. The relationships they've been in so far have been so agonizing and so critical that they don't see a benefit of a relationship at this point. So they may become more avoidant people with avoidant personality. For example, it's not that they don't need other people, but they won't get into a relationship unless they're sure that person is going to like them. And then when they are involved in social situations, there's a high, high, high level of social anxiety. So avoidant people, again, they care. And their, their behaviors are motivated often by fear, not a lack of empathy, which is what you see many times with a narcissist. And sometimes these get confused because the person who's avoidant may appear to say, I don't need you. I'm fine all by myself. And, you know, look at how wonderful I'm doing without you. So some people may label that narcissistic behavior, but in reality, for the person who's avoidant, that's just protective. That's a wall they've put up. The narcissist, on the other hand, doesn't have empathy and they don't care. They see other people as being there to serve them. They see other people as their minions, if you will. And the person with avoidant personality doesn't do that at all. They don't see themselves as better than other people. We also see, just like with anxious attachment, PTSD and CPTSD in people with avoidant personality. And I have PTSD on this one especially, and not so much on anxious, because a lot of times after an acute trauma, a single, you know, big old trauma that causes ptsd, some people may become, at least temporarily, more avoidant of others. Especially if that trauma involved another person, they may withdraw and be like, okay, I don't know, I can trust people anymore. I don't know if it's worth it. In cptsd, the person really has experienced so many ongoing traumas that they've learned through repetition that relationships aren't safe. Other people may not be safe. Addiction and hoarding serves often a slightly different function in avoidant attachment, and they serve sort of a pseudo role, if you will, instead of a relationship. And I mentioned with anxious attachment, the addiction and hoarding is often used to numb or quell feelings of anxiety in avoidant personality. Sometimes addiction and hoarding becomes almost a relationship in and of itself. The person develops a relationship with their stuff and and attachment to their stuff. The addiction becomes their best friend and they know they can rely on those things. So they, their their life, their world may revolve around those things. And then Anxious Avoidant is a combination of the above and I have other videos on attachment styles if you want to take a deep dive into what those look like a little bit more. But people who are anxious avoidant may display a combination of symptoms. Help us continue to make practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or at cash App. You can become a member of the YouTube channel@docsnipes.com join and people who are Silver members are able to attend the recordings of these videos live and ask questions live and get answers. Most days you're able to purchase a super thanks on any videos that are particularly helpful. Or if you need continuing education, you can get CEUs based on these videos@allce.com so let's talk specifically about symptoms instead of about disorders that like we just covered. Let's get a little bit more granular. People with anxious attachment with insecure attachment often need frequent reassurance. They fear rejection or abandonment. They fear or start to develop panic with distance. And that could be emotional distance. The person could be in the very next room, but if they're not sitting right there providing that constant feedback, the person with anxious attachment may start feeling rejected and assuming they're being rejected. And they may have an excessive need to please. Now all of us want to please other people, but they may have an excessive need to please. So these are more common in anxious attachment. Remember, both anxious and Avoidant are insecure, but the person who's anxious may display these symptoms a little bit more often. And it's important to identify the source of those symptoms instead of just saying this person has CPTSD or borderline personality or generalized anxiety. We need to look and say what's causing that? And could it have to do with early relationship trauma? People may have an inability to not be in a relationship in the anxious attachment or be reluctant to become involved with others unless they're certain of being liked. As in avoidant, they may need to be in complete control to prevent you from leaving Me. Or they may have a willingness to turn all, turn over all control to prevent rejection. Just tell me what to do so you won't leave me and I'll do it. We need to explore these, and if you exhibit any of these symptoms, you want to ask yourself, what's the function of this? Where did this come from? When was the first time I started feeling like I needed frequent reassurance from others? What happened that prompted that? Start getting curious about where your symptoms where your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors originated from. Because you can't fix them until you figure out where they came from. You may use substances, activities, or things to replace people. Okay, well how did you learn that? When was the first time you did that? And how is it working for you? You may use substances, activities, or things to reduce feelings of anxiety or loneliness. You may have hyper vigilance to rejection. Now, people with trauma are often very hypervigilant to lots of different threats. People with insecure attachment are often hyperv vigilant to any signs of rejection or abandonment. And it could be the most innocuous nonverbal behavior. Maybe you just kind of make some weird face and the person's like, oh, you're angry with me. That means you're going to reject me. I'm sorry. Some people with insecure attachment lack sort of a use for relationships. These are the avoidant. They may want to be in relationships, but again, those relationships are just so painful. It's like, yeah, I'll, I'll forego that. They're not safe. They may appear self centered, and this can be true of anxious or avoidant. The anxious, anxiously attached, codependent, for example, may seem like it's all about me. You've got to do what I say when I say it. You've got to follow my script and I'll keep everything safe. But that is their way of trying to feel safe and feel in control when in the past their world has been completely out of control. For the person who's avoidant, the self centeredness may come from just focusing on themselves. It's like, I can't, I don't want to start empathizing. I don't want to start developing a connection with you because it's not safe. So I'm going to do what makes me happy. It's not that they lack empathy for other people. They're just too afraid to go there. They, they avoid conflict, but that also means they often avoid pleasure. They avoid connection completely. They may experience false bravado and needing to seem important or worthy. So sometimes people with avoidant attachment may be more boisterous and try to prove how smart they are or how, how great they are and how well they're doing without you. Thank you very much. This is not the same as the narcissist who's going to use others to try to make themselves look good. So what do you do about it? Start by developing a sense of self and secure attachment. When you stop having to rely on others to help you deal with life. Or when you feel confident and safe and loved in your own skin and you don't rely on others again to give you that. So if they leave, all right, yeah, it hurts. No doubt it hurts, but it's not crushing. It's not that complete abandonment replay of what happened with your primary caregivers. So once you start developing a sense of self and a secure attachment, it can start helping you feel safer and more empowered. So you need to be consistently mindful of your thoughts, your feelings and your needs. And, and when I say needs, that often means or, or translates to your urges. You know, when I get feel scared, these are my thoughts and this is my urge. This, I have a need to run, I have a need to self medicate, I have a need to whatever it is that you do. So being consistently mindful of yourself can help you identify early warning signs of distress, but also help you notice the positive. Being responsive. When you're starting to experience distress, instead of leaving it on autopilot, ignoring it, try to stuff it, try to walk it off. Being responsive means figuring out, acknowledging what's going on, figuring out how to stay safe and what to do next. Likewise, being responsive also comes into play when you're happy. When you're feeling happy, instead of ignoring it and going, okay, I'm happy, I'm content, just take it for granted. Being responsive means let's celebrate this, let's really revel in it. Attentive means actually paying attention to what you want and not only just your immediate triggers, but being attentive to what you want in life and what you like in life and figuring out who am I, what do I stand for? Validating. This is where we start helping people develop their, their boundaries or you start developing your own boundaries. You can validate how you feel. I feel angry, I feel anxious, I feel happy. However you feel very, that is how you feel. Non judgmentally. Accept your thoughts, feelings and needs in the moment. This is what's going on. Doesn't mean you have to act on them, doesn't necessarily mean you're going to think that they are 100% accurate after you evaluate them. But in the moment, right now, this is how I feel. It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. And so many of us forget this step. We notice that we're feeling angry or anxious, then we start shooting ourselves to death. I shouldn't feel this way or I should do this. Just non judgmentally. Accept and validate how you're feeling and what you're thinking in the moment and then encourage yourself to take steps to evaluate what's going on. You know those, just use those distress tolerance school skills. Encourage yourself through the moment. You're feeling distressed right now, okay, you can do this. You have been, you've endured anxiety, you've endured anger, you've endured this feeling before. You can do this. Let's use those distress tolerance skills, get into your wise mind and then figure out how to problem solve. You can do it. So in the encouraging part, your inner parent is coming out and, or your inner coach or whatever you want to call them and helping you. Now that you've recognized and accepted what's going on where you're at, they're helping you figure out, okay, what next? And finally, safe. And this is not necessarily all in the same order that you need to do things, but it's important that you consistently feel safe and you provide yourself with unconditional positive regard. Recognizing that you're lovable. Warts and all faults and all, you are lovable. You may make mistakes, you may engage in behaviors that you look back on later and really aren't happy about, but you as a person are lovable. You are lovable even when you make mistakes. And you are worth improving, you are worth addressing those issues. Developing secure attachment will help develop emotional intelligence. Your ability to identify and modulate your emotions, your ability to recognize emotions and respond appropriately to emotions in others. It'll help you create healthier boundaries. You start figuring out, oh, this is actually what I think, feel or need in the moment, instead of just trying to figure out what does everybody else think. All right, that must be what I think. No, no, no, no, no, no. It could be. But what is it that you think and what is it that you feel? And that radical acceptance of how you feel in the moment helps create a sense of safety. You're not telling yourself you're wrong for how you feel. You're just saying, this is my response based on my history, based on my experiences. This is how I feel in this moment, in response to this situation. It is what it is. It strengthens self esteem because you start seeing yourself as lovable, even if fallible. And you start to fear others less. They're less able to cause you pain because you are empowered to deal with life on life's terms. You love yourself. So if other people aren't willing to love you, yeah, again, it hurts. Don't get me wrong, but it's not a death sentence. Initial steps. Become mindfully aware of your thoughts, feelings and needs. Remember those needs or your urges or your behaviors. So paying attention. Like right now, think, what am I feeling? What am I thinking about? And do I have any needs? What's my. What's my urge right now? It's about lunchtime. One of my urges is to go eat as soon as this is over. But just being mindfully aware of those thoughts, feelings and needs. Learn to identify, label and validate them. They're not good, they're not bad, they're not right, they're not wrong. They just are. These are your thoughts, feelings and needs. And once you start identifying them and radically accepting them, then you quit fighting against them. Then you can get curious and go, okay, I'm angry in this situation. I wonder why I'm sad about this. I wonder why. What can I do to feel safe, empowered, and improve the next moment? Become aware of your triggers for your thoughts, feelings and needs, both pleasant and unpleasant. What things trigger positive thoughts, feelings and urges? And likewise, what things trigger unpleasant ones? Identify ways to address distress. That means exploring the facts in context. In this context, at this time, I'm feeling angry. I was triggered by this. I'm feeling angry. In this context at this time, is it a threat? It may remind me of a time in my past, that trauma memory where I wasn't safe. But in this context, at this time, am I safe? And identify ways to increase thoughts and feelings of empowerment and safety and healthy behaviors. What can you do to remind yourself or to create an environment that's safe and empowering? And remind yourself that in this context, at this time, you are much safer and much more empowered than you have been in the past. And help you re. Help yourself remember to engage in healthy coping behaviors like journaling or whatever instead of drinking. And develop unconditional positive regard. That and encouraging self talk. You want to make sure that your inner parent, you're sometimes, sometimes people call it the inner critic, but the inner parent is saying, you know what? You're lovable. You may have screwed that up. You know, we all make mistakes, but you are lovable. You are worthy and we'll work through this together. You can do this. Attachment trauma is routinely overlooked as a director contributing cause of many mental health issues. Until one has developed secure attachment, it's going to be extremely difficult to feel safe. When you don't feel safe, then your HPA axis, your threat response system is constantly being triggered or sometimes even constantly staying on. So you're almost always instead of in your wise mind, you're in fight, flee, freeze, fawn, or forget about it. And all of those types of, of stress response often come out as symptoms. You know, what is it that fight or flee looks like in terms of symptoms? What is it that fawning looks like in terms of symptoms? A lot of times if you look at your symptoms, you'll recognize them as stress responses. Consider your prior relationships, how they've impacted your attachment style, and what you can do to start feeling more secure. And today. Hello, Claudia. Welcome. You join us every morning. It's always good to see you. Hi, Adriana. You join me every morning and it's always good to see you. Do you have any questions about addiction and the connection to attachment style? I know, again, I know I have a lot of videos out there on attachment style and craves and those sorts of things, but I thought maybe it would be helpful just to really sort of try to connect the dots in a different way for people to start highlighting the importance of addressing attachment trauma in counseling.