Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery: Acceptance and Commitment and Purposeful Action

It. Hi, everybody, and welcome to today's presentation of Happiness. Isn't Brain surgery with Doc Snipes practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life? Today, we're going to be going over something called the ACT Matrix. Oops. Today we're going to be going over something called the ACT Matrix. In this first segment, we're going to review the main points of acceptance, commitment, therapy, and identify what a rich and meaningful life looks like for you. So the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy are to help people create a rich and meaningful life while accepting that pain inevitably goes with it. So, I mean, we know life happens. We can't avoid hurting. We can't avoid occasional disappointment. But if we learn to accept it instead of struggling against it, it saves us a lot of energy. It's like refusing to fight against quicksand. We want to transform our relationships with our difficult thoughts and feelings to be ones of acceptance. If something bad happens, if we get angry, if we get anxious, noticing that recognizing that those emotions are designed to tell us to check and see if there's a threat or to do something, and then figuring out what to do that will help us get closer to our goals. We want to learn to perceive unpleasant feelings as harmless, even if uncomfortable, transient events. So you'll get angry, you're going to get sad, you're going to get depressed. It happens, it sucks, and, you know, I'm sorry for that. However, those feelings will pass. The reason that sometimes people get stuck in those feelings is they hold onto them and they nurture them. So what we want to look at is how can you avoid nurturing those feelings? And how can you take steps to improve the next moment so you don't stay stuck in that feeling? And in that moment, ultimately, you want to take effective action guided by your deepest values in which you're fully present and engaged. So ask yourself, where is it that I want to be? What is it that is important to me? And is doing this or dwelling on this or nurturing this helping me achieve those goals or is just draining my energy? And I have kind of gotten ahead of myself to the shortcut question. But ultimately, that is what acceptance and commitment therapy comes down to. You are accepting that life sucks sometimes, but you're committed to. To choosing behaviors and using your energy in a way that will help you meet your goals instead of distracting you or getting you stuck in an unhappy, unpleasant place. So think about it. A couple of things that come up really often for people are getting angry and fighting with someone on social media and getting and staying angry about an irresponsible driver or road rage. So let's look at both of those real quick. When you get angry and fight with someone on social media, is anger telling you there's a threat? Well, maybe anger is telling you someone is disagreeing with you and maybe rejecting your opinion or being unkind, which goes to some of our basic fears. We don't like to be out of control, rejected, isolated. We don't like to feel like we failed at anything, and we don't really like the unknown. So, yes, it could play into those fears and there could be a threat. But we've got to ask ourselves, is this person's opinion or is this particular fight really worth my energy and effort to divert my energy and effort away from my goals and values, or should I let it go? And there are options you have on social media. You can block the person. You can choose to ignore it. Believe it or not, you can. Or obviously you can engage with them. But again, you have to figure out whether using that energy in some way is helping you get closer to your goals and values, or is it just feeding into some of their negativity and need for power and control? The other scenario is getting and staying angry about an irresponsible driver. How many times have we been on the interstate or on a regular road and we're driving along and somebody comes up and they're tailgating, and, I mean, they come flying up behind you and then they tailgate you. So, you know, that was irresponsible. That was kind of scary. They're riding your bumper, they're passing, they're cutting you off. Now you have the option of getting angry. Is your first response to get irritated or angry? Sure. Is there a threat? Sure. Because they could potentially get into a car wreck with you. However, is the threat one that is present, or is there a way to get out of that threat so you don't have to stay angry or afraid and move towards your goals? Ultimately, it comes down to, is trying to engage this irresponsible driver a good use of your energy? Is it going to do anything to improve your day or improve your life? Most likely not. So we want to ask ourselves, are we using our energy to a good end? We. We could use our energy to get into the slow lane or get into the fast lane, wherever we need to get to get out of their way so they can get past us and get on with being irresponsible to somebody else. Or we can try to create a rolling roadblock and get angry and yell at them and do all kinds of things that are most likely going to cause us a whole other world of hurt. Which one's the better option in the moment? And in section number three, we are going to talk about unhooking because our knee jerk reaction is probably one of trying to fight. But when we take a moment, we breathe, we step back, we go, is this worth my energy? Ultimately, 99 times out of 100 or more, you are probably going to realize that it is not. And that is what the Matrix is all about. Figuring out how to step back and effectively use what limited energy you have before you can answer the question, will this behavior, getting angry at somebody, yelling at somebody, whatever you're doing, will this behavior help me get closer to my goals and being the person I want to be? You have to know first what your goals are. So we'll start by clarifying the destination. Because a lack of clarity about values and goals underlies most of your distress or keeps you stuck. If you don't know where you're going, if you don't know what you're specifically needing to devote your energy to, you may not have a clear idea of what the best use of your energy is. Think about a morning. I'm really structured, and if I don't plan out my day, I'll be kind of sitting there spinning around in the middle of the house going, well, what do I do next, George? I need structure, I need plans, I need goals. So if I don't have those, then, and I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Another scenario you can think of is maybe you decide to go on vacation. Are you going to get in the car to go on vacation and just go, yeah, we're going to start driving and we'll see where we end up. Or are you going to have a destination in mind and figure out generally how to get there? So without a destination in mind, you don't know which direction to turn. You can't say, well, this behavior is helping me get closer to where I want to be. If you don't know where it is, which means you can get caught up spinning your wheels, fighting against something, or doing something that distracts you from your goals. And then when it is all said and done, you realize, you know what? That was a waste of my energy. I will do that on the weekends. If I don't have a plan, I will kind of walk around and do things aimlessly. And then at the end of the weekend on Sunday, I realize, oh, you know what? I really had these other four things I needed to do, but. But I didn't devote my energy to those. So, well, crap. I don't know how I'm going to get them done now. Same sort of thing here. You need to have those goals ever present in your mind, so you can continuously check with yourself and say, is this helping me move forward? The first question then is, what does rich and meaningful life look like to you? So start by thinking about which relationships are most important to you and what do you want those relationships to be like? Now, some relationships you have, they're great, but you wouldn't be devastated if they ended. There are other relationships you have that are super important to you. Which ones are those and what do they look like? How do you want to spend time with these people? How can you nurture these relationships to make them really good, healthy, positive relationships? The next thing you want to look at once you figure out what people are important in your life, you want to think about what events, things and experiences are meaningful to you. And some of this goes to if you want to look at it as your relationship with yourself. Because there are certain things you need to do to take care of yourself. Before you can be healthy and helpful to anyone else, you need to be happy or at least fully charged. But let's look at some things that you do that are maybe important. So work. You go to work every day whether you like it or not. And this is one of those things where you could be spinning your wheels. So you want to ask yourself, what about work is meaningful and important to me? Is it the paycheck? Is it what you do through your job? Is it the fact that your current job is going to help you maybe open your own business or do something eventually? It's a means to an end. What about work is meaningful to you and what do you need to do to nurture that and to create the most helpful happy situation that you can from your current work environment? Then you want to move on to health. Now, not everybody is a health nut. Not everybody loves working out. And that's okay. What about your health is important to you? We all want to be relatively healthy, but what do you need to do? Some people, for example, if they have Lyme disease, need to take special precautions when they start having a flare up. Other people who have some autoimmune diseases need to make sure they keep their stress lower so as not to trigger an episode. So what things do you need to do to maintain and optimize your health so you can be as healthy and happy as possible. And the final aspect we're going to look at in terms of goals is your personal growth goals. And that's really broad. It can be anything from your hobbies to relaxation to, you know, anything you want to do that is meaningful. Maybe it's your bucket list here. And there are probably a lot of things on your bucket list. But again, I would ask you to look at that list and identify the three or five things on that list that are super important to you, that you really know you want to do or think you have to do at some point before you leave this earth. Those go into your goals and values and we round it out with values. Values are a lot more ambiguous than goals and relationships. Those things are tangible. Those things are things we can say, yes, I learned to play the guitar, yes, I've got a good relationship with X. And so those are things that are obvious. You can say yes or no, that's happening. And they're typically a little bit simpler than our values. Our values are characteristics that define us, characteristics that we want to be known by. Sometimes I ask people, when you pass on, what are the three or five values or characteristics you want people to remember you by? And they can range anything from being successful to self reliant, to adventurous to courteous. What's important to you? When people think about you, they think, oh, that person is so fill in the blank. Those are your values. So you're going to take all of those things. And that's still a lot. Even if you only have five things in each area we noted that is still a lot there. But that is helping you define what is important to you, what you want to use your energy on. Because you don't have a lot of energy and you have got to figure out how to best use your energy. A lot of people I work with that are clients have come to me and they are unhappy because they haven't achieved their goals, they haven't gotten where they want to be, and they don't feel like they have any energy to get where they want to be. They're exhausted, they're just done. And what I encourage them to look at is where's your energy going? And a lot of times we find that their energy is going into these distraction and diversion activities and getting stuck in autopilot and doing things without even thinking about it that just completely drain their energy. And that's where we're going to move on in the next couple of modules is looking at what, what's important and what's distracting. So you've defined what a rich and meaningful life looks like to you, and you have all those things over here. I only put a few values there just to kind of give you an idea, but you'll have all that filled out. You're here in the middle right now. On any given day, you're here in the middle and you have the choice between choosing thoughts and behaviors that will divert you from doing those things or working toward those things. Or you can choose thoughts and behaviors that will help you move toward those things. And some of those thoughts and behaviors may be things as simple as waking up and trying to be optimistic and doing things to prevent unhappiness and doing things to prevent illness, because we all know we don't make much forward progress when we're sick. So you've defined a destination. Now we want to look at what are your toward behaviors. So what behaviors can you do? What things can you do that are going to help you move toward those goals and values? You can address physical vulnerabilities. These are things that make you more likely to. To be emotional, cranky, react more strongly negatively to things. And the word vulnerability kind of puts it out there. So if you're in pain, if you're tired, if you haven't been eating well, if you're dehydrated, any of those things can distract you and drain your energy so you don't have that energy to work toward your goals values. So address those. That's the first step. Make sure you're eating well, getting a good night's sleep, and trying to take as good a care of yourself as possible so you have the energy to work towards your goals. The next step is engage supportive relationships. You probably have a relationship or some relationships that are at least somewhat supportive. And it's always helpful to have a cheering section so you can engage with friends, especially when something unpleasant comes up. Or if you're worried about something or trying to make a decision. Ask for other people's input, get other people's assistance, support and help. It'll reduce your energy drain and then you can improve and accept the moment. Sometimes unpleasant things happen and you can either choose to fight against them. And how effective is it to tell yourself to not be angry when you're angry? Most of the time it's not effective at all, just saying, well, you shouldn't feel angry. Well, it's how you feel. So you're either fighting a losing battle, a losing tug of war, or you say, all right, I'm angry in this moment, but I don't have to stay angry. What can I do to improve the next moment and get out of this funk? Improve the Moment and Accept the Moment are both acronyms that are used in dialectical behavior therapy and we talk a lot about those in the module on vulnerabilities. Very briefly it means using guided imagery going to your happy place, if you will, or imagining successfully completing a task or imagining an interaction with your boss or somebody that stressed out about imagining that going well. That can help you reduce some of your stress and free up some of your energy. Finding meaning in a situation, Looking for the silver lining, Trying to figure out what you were supposed to get out of it. Prayer, asking for guidance, support, whatever you pray for. One thing in the moment means instead of focusing on the coulda shouldas all over the place, focus on what's right now. You can't anticipate what's going to happen in that meeting next week. You can't change the past. All you can do is be the best you in the moment. Vacation. Just check out for 15, 20 minutes. Go on a little mental vacation. Watch YouTube videos. Do something where you're not even thinking about the issue so you can let your stress reaction decrease and provide yourself encouragement. Be your own best cheerleader Activities are other things you can do. Engage in pleasurable activities because sometimes things just are unpleasant and unfortunate and there's nothing you can do to change it. But sitting there and being steeped in it isn't going to fix it either. I know when my daddy was diagnosed with cancer there was nothing I could do to change that situation and it was really unfortunate. However, sitting there and feeling sorry for myself and feeling sorry for him did nothing to improve the situation. It just sucked my energy. Contributing means volunteering. Go out, get involved with other people. You'd be amazed at how much better that makes you feel. And if you don't want to get involved with other people, go. Go out and volunteer to pick up trash in a park or something. You know it makes you feel a little better even if you just see the squirrels looking at you going thanks for that emotional change. Do something that can help you feel happier. Read a happy book, watch happy movie, listen to your favorite comedian, rent a or get a check out a book of knock knock jokes from the library. Any of that can help you change your mood. You can just simply push away unpleasant thoughts and tell yourself, you know what? I am not going to think about that right now. Easier said than done. But once you practice it enough, it gets easier and you can Focus on sensations. If all else fails. 4. 3. 2. 1. Identify four things you see, three things that you hear, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you feel. And when I say feel, I mean one thing that's touching you, like the heat of the sun on your arms or the hard chair that you're sitting in or whatever that is. So there are a lot of things you can do when you have unpleasant feeling that can help you move through it without having to necessarily fight with it or get stuck on it. Even if you can't change the situation, feelings will happen. That's our body's reaction telling us that we need to check and and make sure that we're safe, secure and moving in the right direction. You have thoughts and feelings that often lead to those behaviors. So we just talked about the behaviors. What do you do that helps you move towards your goals and values? And those are the easiest things to identify, which is why I started there. But your thoughts and feelings support your behaviors. So if you believe it will work, if you have optimism, you're going to be more likely to engage in those behaviors. So what kinds of thoughts and feelings can you have that will help you want to do the behaviors that will help you move towards your goals? If you feel empowered, if you feel like when you do something it will make a difference, then you're going to be more likely to try to do something. And if that something helps you move towards your goals, well then see, we're on the right path here. Motivation. If you're excited about your goals and values, that's going to encourage you to do the behaviors that you need to do to achieve your goals and values. If you're determined, kind of like motivated and optimistic. If you're determined, motivated and optimistic, you're going to say, alright, even though some of the stuff that I've got to do right now to reach my goals and values may not be easy, I am ready for it because I know that I can do it and I have the power to achieve my goals. So you see how we are creating a positive mental environment which encourages us to do the hard work to achieve our goals and values. Take home. Message your behaviors. What you do impacts your thoughts and feelings. If you are tired, sick, in pain, engaging in relationships that are unsupportive, fighting with emotions, you're probably not going to have all kinds of positive, optimistic, empowering thoughts. But when you're doing the next right thing, when you're healthy, happy and energetic, you're more likely to have positive thoughts and positive thoughts are going to encourage you to keep doing the next right thing. All of those help you reach your goals and values. So in summary, your toward behaviors provide you some benefit in the short term. They may not make you feel great, they may not make you help escape the pain, but they help you tolerate whatever is going on and make the best decision. So you use your energy in the best way possible to achieve your goals and values. Your thoughts and feelings often lead to behaviors to deal with the situation in a way that will help you achieve your goals and values. If you're optimistic and you feel empowered and you feel like you've kind of got the world by the tail, you're going to be more likely to engage in those toward behaviors and keep working towards your goals and values. Even when you encounter some sort of a hurdle or obstacle. In order to reach your goals and become a person you want to be, you need to effectively use your energy and resources. Many people are unable to achieve their goals because they get caught in the trap of using their energy for activities that just don't help them move toward their goals. It may not help them move away from them, but it doesn't help them move toward them. So by defining your goals, you can evaluate each situation to determine if it's an effective use of your energy. If you like this podcast, you can subscribe on your favorite podcast player. 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