How Ghosting Triggers Abandonment Trauma

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's presentation on ghosting and trauma. What's the connection? I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Let's face it, most of us get ghosted at one point or another, and it is really unpleasant. There's just no two ways about it. But what is ghosting? Ultimately, we want to look at what is this behavior saying? Remember, we talk about behavior being communication. When you get ghosted, the person is abandoning the relationship. So the question becomes, why was it me? A lot of times the answer is, no, it wasn't. So why do people ghost? A lot of times people are seeking happiness in the wrong places. They're hoping that if they meet, quote, the right person, that they will suddenly be happy and their world will suddenly brighten up and their problems will go away. And that's just realistic. But a lot of people do do that. Some people ghost because they have this sense that the grass is always greener. And apps like Tinder have done a lot to really promote that, where if you're talking to somebody or interacting with somebody and they're not exactly perfect, like, immediately that maybe there's somebody else out there that is. So you can just keep swiping and swiping and swiping, and it wastes a lot of energy. Ultimately, the reality is nobody's perfect. But that's. We'll talk about that in a few minutes. Some people ghost because they're trying to avoid confrontation. They've learned growing up that confrontation is not safe. Or maybe they don't have the assertiveness skills that they need. But instead of communicating to their partner, hey, this isn't working for me, or I really wish you would fill in the blank. They just say, you know what? No, I don't like what's going on, so I'm just going to leave. Unfortunately, when they get into the next relationship and the relationship after that, they're probably going to have the same problem of having something that's not exactly right, but not having the skills or willingness to address it. And the last reason people ghost, that we're going to talk about today, and I know there's lots of other reasons, can be insecurity. If they start feeling vulnerable in a relationship, if they're starting to get close to somebody and care about them, if they've had abandonment experiences in the past, it may start feeling too scary to stay in that relationship. So they'd rather just cut bait and move on than to stay in the current relationship. Help us continue to make practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or on cash app at Doc Snipes you can become a member of the YouTube channel and get perks. You can go to Docsnipes.com join or purchase a super thanks on any videos that are particularly helpful. Back to the Video when people get Ghosted, it may Reopen Old Abandonment Traumas if you've been ghosted in the past, or maybe you were abandoned and or had an insecure attachment even with your primary caregivers, then when somebody in the future ghosts you, when they fail to hold up their end of the relationship, it can feel like you're back there all over again and you might start asking yourselves the same thing you did back then, what's wrong with me? Why did they do this? When people get ghosted, it negatively impacts their self esteem because they personalize it. Many of us will look at a situation and say, okay, what did I do wrong? Or how did I bring this on? And a lot of times it isn't you, it is them. Because they're looking for magical happiness or the grass being greener, they weren't able to communicate with you what they needed in the relationship or or something else. Now sometimes it may just be a bad fit, but a lot of times it has to do more with their stuff. So it's important to step back and evaluate the situation and go, you know, did the relationship seem like it was going okay? And if so, you know, if I felt like I wasn't doing anything wrong in the relationship and this person suddenly ghosts, is that a person I really want to be in a relationship with anyway? Because when we get into a more serious relationship, if they ghost, how much will that hurt? And when people get ghosted, it may cause them to withdraw because it seems to be a waste of energy to try and form relationships. They start talking to somebody, they get ghosted, they start trying to talk to somebody again, they get ghosted again and it can feel like a pointless endeavor. So what do you do about it? Well, seek support and feedback. Talk with your friends about their experiences of what's going on because that can be really validating when you hear that they are experiencing the same thing. Getting feedback can also be helpful from a trusted friend who is willing to tell you you didn't do anything wrong or yeah, it seemed like you were being a little bit pushy in this relationship or something. So feedback can be really helpful from supportive others in your life. Avoid self blame. Even if you were being too pushy, for example. All right, well, if the person would have told you and said, you're moving too fast, I need to slow the pace a little bit, you probably would have been fine with it. So maybe something you did contributed, but something they didn't do also contributed. Their lack of communication about what they needed or what they were feeling contributed to the situation. Reframe the narrative and consider alternate explanations for why somebody may have ghosted. And it could be if you were talking to them online and then they suddenly ghost. Maybe their significant other, you came back from vacation or something like that. Or again, maybe they just decided that they were trying to find some rush that they weren't getting from this interaction, which I didn't mention that on the last slide. But new relationship energy is another thing that may cause some people to ghost. Because when you get into a new relationship, there's excitement and you're getting to know each other and there's a lot of endorphins and other hormones that are going crazy. And once you've been together for a little bit, that subsides and that's normal. But some people are constantly chasing the high of the new relationship energy. So that's another reason why you may get ghosted. Feel your feelings and explore their roots. If you feel disappointed, if you feel depressed, if you feel betrayed, those are all normal emotions. Feel those feelings and explore how the current situation triggered those feelings and how to regain a sense of personal power and self control. And it's also important to look back and see, is this opening old wounds? Sometimes we get into relationships with people who are unavailable or likely to ghost us because we've been in those relationships before and we're trying to get it right. This time, we're trying to force somebody to stay in a relationship with us. So it is important, again, not to only consider this context at this time, but to make sure that there's not unresolved stuff from the past that is contributing to your current level of hurt and disappointment. Practice self care. As I said, it never feels good to get ghosted. So practicing self care, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, allowing yourself to be disappointed or angry for a period of time, Taking care of yourself instead of ignoring your feelings is going to be important when you're in relationships. Set boundaries and communicate needs. If you are not telling a person it's really important. If we're in a relationship that I hear from you periodically, they may think that you were just talking once a week and that's plenty. And you may not feel that way or whatever your needs are. It's important to communicate this is what I need in a relationship and hear what they need in a relationship, and then you can potentially work out a compromise. Now, obviously you're not going to do this the first day you start talking. You want to do it at an appropriate time, but it is important to make sure there's not a misunderstanding about how frequently you want to have contact or how serious you think the relationship is, and then stay open to new connections. But consider the context. If you are trying to meet people on Tinder or a similar app, the chances of you getting ghosted are a whole lot higher than if you are meeting at a a social club or you're establishing relationships with people that you encounter throughout your work day. So that is also important. People are a lot less likely to ghost you if you are. If you have a relationship in real life, if they're going to run into you throughout the, you know, the days, the weeks, whatever, then they're less likely to ghost than if they are pretty well guaranteed that you will never run into them and they will never have to deal with answering for their abandonment. Most everyone gets ghosted, and it sucks. When you find yourself dwelling on a particular ghost, ask yourself if that person is worth your energy and if there is a better way that you could use your energy to move toward healthy, fulfilling relationships.